Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Howell (Level 5)

You kept me interested and guessing until the end. A tangled web of corruption and lies always keeps my attention.

The plot is a little far-fetched. I think there are two issues that I struggle with the most. The first is the fetus. Even to be kept as evidence, I can't see someone, outside of a psychopath, actually carving out the unborn child of a dead woman and storing it in their freezer. I'm sure there can be another source of evidence that can be kept. Which brings me to another issue, not one of the two big ones.

I'm not sure what the fetus proves. I think it proves that the child is really s
Snyder's and not Jefferson's, right? I don't know how this proves Jefferson's innocence. And if Thomas' account is correct, and you've given me no implication that it's not, then Stephanie actually killing the girl, or at least thought she did, doesn't jive with her current actions. Her saying stuff like, "he doesn't deserve to die". And then after all this comes to light for Jordan, he doesn't bring it up with her? Like I said, the plot is a little far-fetched. I won't say unbelievable because movies are that way, but I think that the character's motivations aren't clear to me.
For instance Jordan. Does he want to solve the case for justice? Or does he just want to hook up with Stephanie? Or does he like Megan? And at no point does he just want to be done? I mean the guy is getting broken-in to and robbed, what drives him to continue the investigation? And why would a prison guard be doing an investigation?

The second major hang-up for me is the timing of the story. The average wait time for execution in California is 20 years. The nationwide average is a little over 10. Even if Jefferson fits into the 10 year time frame, that doesn't jive with the feel of your story. I guess it's possible, but all of this seems to be happening so quickly after the trial. The fact that Megan is referred to as "so young" still leads me to think she's in her early 20s (I actually just looked and you have her listed as 24). I guess you've written this as 6 years later, but that still seems so quick to me. Especially in California. The average wait time I mentioned earlier comes from a USA Today article by Kevin Johnson, titled, "Prisoners' time spent on death row doubles".

There are many typos and misspelled words. I've marked a bunch on the pages of your script, I'll email that to you after the contest.

I feel like there is a lot of potential here. I also think you strayed from your initial intent and logline. I didn't get much sense that Jordan and Stephanie were falling in love. I think the reason for this was the presence of Megan.

With all that said, I've got to rate this a FAIR. There are too many holes and errors for me to overlook. Sorry.

Here's that article:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-07-23-Death-row-time_N.htm

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I thought the story here was pretty interesting. It kept me guessing as to what the outcome would be and I was genuinely surprised to learn Stephanie was the culprit. I thought the characters were pretty well developed. I'm guessing this is an early draft because the script was a little rough around the edges. Since the story was pretty solid but the script still needs a lot of polish, I focused on the technical things that will hopefully come in helpful when you decide to get to work on your next draft.

There were quite a few typos in this script. The only things besides sluglines that should appear in all CAPS are character names upon their initial introduction and important sounds. This script overuses CAPS quite a bit. Same goes for underlining... There's really nothing that should be formatted with an underline, however I believe it's acceptable in very rare occasions to stress a particular word of dialogue. This script uses it a lot more than is necessary. There were a few instances of weird spacing/formatting here as well. Also, a handful of instances where 'to' should have been swapped for "too" and "your" for "you're". (See below for specifics.)

Pg 3 - Typo in Delray's dialogue - "throug" should be "through"
Pg 4 - Typo in Delray's dialogue - "theiy" should be "they"
Pg 6 - Typo in Delray's dialogue - "sacrice" should be "sacrifice"
Pg 6 - Typo in Santiago's dialogue - "though" should be "thought"
Pg 9 - Ventilator, Heart rate monitor and IV stand shouldn't be in caps
Pg 9 - Typo in Leavitt's dialogue - "the" should be "The"
Pg 12 - Typo in Stephanie's dialogue - "prgram letting go" should be "program for letting go"
Pg 13 - Prison cruiser and Kawasaki streetbike shouldn't be in caps
Pg 13 - Missed period after "streetbike"
Pg 15 - Typo in description - "mapele" should be "maple"
Pg 17 - Typo in description - "The" should be "They"
Pg 19 - Laundry bag shouldn't be in caps
Pg 20 - White-glove, American flag, photograph taped to freezer door shouldn't be in caps.
Pg 22 - Ferryboat shouldn't be in caps
Pg 22 - Typo in description - "of female approaching" should be "of a female approaching"
Pg 23 - Extra space - "hands his plate to Megan."
Pg 26 - Megan's dialogue has some strange spacing
Pg 29 - Blasts, CHP cruiser, signal goes green, red lights shouldn't be in caps.
Pg 30 - Patrolman has 4 paragraphs of dialogue in a row. At least one of those seems like it should be Jordan
Pg 31 - Pharmacy bag should't be in caps
Pg 32 - Filing cabinet shouldn't be in caps
Pg 35 - Door and pizza box shouldn't be in caps
Pg 36 - Miller's dialogue - strange spacing/line break
Pg 37 - "poors" should be "pours"
Pg 38 - Typo in Stephanie's dialogue - "pumping full of" should be "pumping him full of"
Pg 39 - Typo in description - "the contents as she" should be "the contents of her purse as she"
Pg 42 - Extra space - "no one's seen him since"
Pg 42 - Blackberry shouldn't be in caps
Pg 43 - Typo in Megan's dialogue - "guys that here" should be "guys that launch here"
Pg 44 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "sound to safe" should be "sound too safe"
Pg 45 - Extra word in description - "hands palms his card"
Pg 45 - Toll booth shouldn't be in caps
Pg 45 - Typo in Megan's dialogue - "back to you place" should be "back to your place"
Pg 46 - Typo in description - "recedes" should be "recede"
Pg 46 - Car deck shouldn't be in caps
Pg 46 - Typo in description - "sparking" should be "sparkling"
Pg 48 - Polie helicopter shouldn't be in caps
Pg 49 - Typo in description - "watches Jordan shoulders his" should be "watches Jordan shoulder his"
Pg 50 - Jordan has 2 dialogues in a row. 1 should be Police Officer.
Pg 50 - Taxi and motorcycle shouldn't be in caps
Pg 51 - Window and recliner shouldn't be in caps
Pg 52 - Freezer shouldn't be in caps
Pg 52 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "come from" should be "came from"
Pg 52 - Typo in Megan's dialogue - "Call the anyone" should be "call anyone"
Pg 52 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "be to careful" should be "be too careful"
Pg 60 - "give-a-shit" should just be "give a shit"
Pg 62 - Typo in Burman's dialogue - "aren't on of them" should be "aren't one of them"
Pg 62 - Typo in description - "envelops" should be "envelope" and it shouldn't be in caps
Pg 62 - Missed period at end of Morgan's dialogue
Pg 63 - Typo in description - "The turn the corner" should be "They turn the corner"
Pg 64 - Cuffed hands shouldn't be in caps
Pg 66 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "He just into" should be "He just got into"
Pg 69 - Typo in description - "pulls an large" should be "pulls a large"
Pg 69 - Typo in dialogue header - "JORDANW" should be "JORDAN"
Pg 71 - Typo in Samantha's dialogue - "to get to close" should be "to get too close"
Pg 73 - Swinging doors shouldn't be in caps
Pg 75 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "return you call" should be "return your call"
Pg 77 - Bottle of champagne and champagne glasses shouldn't be in caps
Pg 78 - Typo in description - "Stephanie attention" should be "Stephanie's attention"
Pg 79 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "hopes up to much" should be "hopes up too much"
Pg 79 - Typo in Stephanie's dialogue - "get out foot" should be "get out foot"
Pg 80 - Typo in Stephanie's dialogue - "I just Daniel" should be "I just want Daniel"
Pg 82 - Weird spacing. One line just says MEGAN
Pg 82 - Police cruiser shouldn't be in caps
Pg 83 - Weird spacing. One line just says STEPHANIE
Pg 83 - Champagne glasses shouldn't be in caps
Pg 83 - There's nothing on this page that should be underlined
Pg 84 - Note shouldn't be in caps
Pg 84 - Weird spacing. One line just says JORDAN, another just says THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE
Pg 84 - the champagne bottle shouldn't be in caps
Pg 87 - The announcement over the PA should be written as dialogue
Pg 87 - Passenger loading area shouldn't be in caps
Pg 89 - Typo in description - "wife a his" should be "wife at his"
Pg 90 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "Your like" should be "You're like"
Pg 91 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "get him he day off" should be "get him the day off"
Pg 92 - Typo in description - "spare, but clean" should be "sparse, but clean"
Pg 93 - Weird spacing. One line just says JORDAN, another just PLASTIC BAG
Pg 94 - Weird spacing. One line just says JORDAN
Pg 94 - "It budges." doesn't need to be underlined.
Pg 94 - Chunks of ice shouldn't be in caps
Pg 97 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "baby would for" should be "baby would be for"
Pg 99 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "pills down her by" should be "pills down her throat by"
Pg 99 - Typo in Jordan's dialogue - "gotta got back " should be "gotta get back"
Pg 100 - Typo in Thomas's dialogue - "No go get" should be "Now go get"
Pg 100 - Ice chest shouldn't be in caps
Pg 102 - Cell phone, high powered rifle and news van shouldn't be in caps
Pg 103 - prison ID shouldn't be in caps
Pg 103 - Weird spacing. One line just says STEPHANIE, another just says MEGAN
Pg 104 - Typo in Stephanie's dialogue - "you know this?" should be "you known this?"
Pg 105 - handgun shouldn't be in caps
Pg 105 - strikes Stephanie, hits Jordan shouldn't be in caps
Pg 105 - Weird spacing. One line just says JORDAN
Pg 106 - Bank of televisions, crawl shouldn't be in caps
Pg 107 - Completely blank page. Unnecessary.


Overall, I enjoyed your script. If there weren't so many typos and formatting oddities detracting from the flow of my read, this would probably move up 1 notch from me. Nice work and congratulations on completing a feature! 'Tis no small task! Well done.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I have been through this once and there were so many errors I didn't engage with the story. Believe me, I KNOW what it takes to finish a feature length but PLEASE don't submit work that is not checked through. It's as though you don't value our time, so generously given to read your work.

See below for corrections. I shall now read again for the story...

p 3 - STATE TROOPER - STATE TROOPERS

ACCROSS THE ROAD - ACROSS THE ROAD

sings - signs

I do really honestly find it annoying and unnecessary that you capitalise things like LOBS INSULTS and FLASK. I can only ask WHY????

throug - through (there are so far quite a few typos which give a sloppy impression)

p 4 Theiy - they

Sometimes you capitalise PROTESTERS, sometimes you don't! Things like this really take me out of the story.

A series of CAMERA FLASHES through the windshield blinds - A series of CAMERA FLASHES through the windshield blind (a series is singular)

p 5 Delray leads Jordan into brightly lit - Delray leads Jordan into a brightly lit

Did you not proofread your work?

On p 4 you capitalise POUND, on p 5 you don't!

p 6 - sacrice? Sacrifice?

p 8 Aboslutely - absolutely

p 17 - wretches - retches

p 20 - White-glove hand - white-gloved hand (and why the caps?)

p 22 He voyeurs out the window - is voyeurs a verb?

p 23 - carring gift bags - carrying

p 26 - It was my first trial. A real
“baptism of fire.” That courthouse
was such a
mob-scene. You know, I always had my
doubts about the way the defense went

What happened to the formatting?

p 27 - you put a lot of things in quotation marks which isn't necessary. Best to avoid ANYTHING that attracts the eye away from the story, The same applies to underlining and italicising words.

‘full alert.’“boys” “baptism of fire.” ‘gear-head.’“community property.” “two-buck chuck.” ‘inhouse’ ‘stripers’ ‘crime scene’ “reasonable doubt.”
‘pea slot.’“eyewitness” “past tense.” “still want to be friends.” “Natty-light” “sorry.” “yard”

express mail envelope = this was underlined. Why?

P 30
PATROLMAN
Where-the-hell you think you’re going
like that?
PATROLMAN
Strawberry...shopping center.

Is the patrolman answering his own questions??!!

P 31/32 - Rather a lot of insignificant detail at ER

rumages/rummages

p 36 - I found this on you deck - on your deck

Well then...I leave you two to enjoy
your
dinner...formatting?

p 43 Most of the guys that here?

p 44 - Doesn’t sound to safe. - too safe

p 45 - You need to get back to you place - your place

p 46 - He watches the San Francisco waterfront recedes - He watches as the San
Francisco waterfront recedes

sparking waters - sparkling waters

p 47 JORDAN
(her hands)
Does that hurt? Uh?

Your sure - you're sure

p 49
Stephanie watches Jordan shoulders - Stephanie watches Jordan shoulder

p 52 -
or where it come from - came from

Did you call the anyone else? - uh? Did you call anyone else?

can’t be to careful - too careful

p 56
That’s sill pretty good odds. - still

p 58 - As Jordan wretches... retches

p 62 ENVELOPS - envelope

p 63 - tatoos - tattoos

p 64 - heavy meatal door - metal

p 66 He just into an accident on the Golden Gate bridge - got into?

p 70

Sam toes the kickstand to his motorcycle and lifts his
helmet off. He sees a weary Samantha walking to her car
carrying a stack of personnel files.
JORDAN
High Sam.

Sam's on the motorbike? High Sam? Do you mean hi?

p 79 I know. But if we can get out foot - our foot

p 80 I just Daniel - I just want Daniel.

p 83 There both on the couch They're both on the couch

p 84 as far as he can through it - throw it.

p 89 - The photograph of him and his wife a his academy graduation. At his?

p 90 - Your like the guy - You're like the guy

p 91 - Sam couldn’t get him he day off - the day off

p 93 - Jordan grabs his bag and walks to threshold - to the threshold

p 94 - why on earth did you underline 'it budges'?

p 95 - IT’S THE FETUS (again underlined) What fetus?

JORDAN
Please give me the keys to you car. - Your car

p 96 JORDAN
Why did you show me a prop the day
that Mel shot himself? - I don't understand what you mean by this.

p 97 - so no would give it a second - no-one

p 99 - their was a chance - there was a chance

A lot of exposition on these pages in the cabin.

p 104 STEPHANIE
How long have you know this? known
Jordan can’t answer. He’s backed into a corner.
STEPHANIE
HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW THIS? KNOWN

Further notes - get confused between Stevenson and Jefferson - better more distinct names

If the fetus is in the bag in the cabin what on earth was in the OTHER bag that Jordan put into the champagne bottle?

The story was good - I wanted to know what was going on - except I didn't understand some of it. I felt the drama in it was greater than the storyline demanded - all those suicides and murders? For what?

I warmed to Jordan as a character but less so to Stephanie - no real indication of her psychiatric problems that caused her to flip. The other men were indistinguishable - they needed far more individuality.

I was most interested in what was happening to Jefferson - wanted more of that!

My conclusion - you MUST tidy up your work before expecting people to take it seriously. You do yourself a great disservice because the story has potential to be stellar.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

STORY: Honestly, I liked this story more than I thought I would. I got caught up in the mystery and I wanted to see how it would end. I do have two concerns though. First, what is "the hook" that makes your story stand out from the sea of mystery films that are already out there? Second, the ending felt a bit rushed and I was disappointed that Jordan died.

CHARACTERS: You have a lot of characters, but I thought you did a great job of making them each distinct and individual. I really liked Jordan and that helped pull me through the story.

DIALOGUE: Your dialogue feels natural and had a nice flow to it. It wasn't the most memorable part of the script, but it never distracted either. I just think you could use less dialogue and more visuals.

SCENES: There are some really powerful moments in here and if anything, I wish you had relied a bit more on visuals throughout to advance your story. When you do, they really work, and they help to make the story memorable.

CRAFT: Your craft is good. I'm was especially impressed with how you wove the intricate plots and characters together seamlessly. The only real negative is that there were also a lot of typos.

OVERALL: I enjoyed this very much. I know how hard a feature length is to write and your craft and attention to detail really shows. I think with a small rewrite (the story is pretty solid), this could be great.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Congratulations on having a gift for characters and dialogue. Your characters and dialogue aren't just good, they're great, (clever, engaging and entertaining). The characters are strong individuals with believable personalities.

Technically, you are misusing action in the dialogue section.
Page 20 (taking a mug)
Page 28 (taking the package)

But my greatest criticism is your general presentation and please give this consideration. You are asking someone to spend 1 1/2 to 2 hours to read a screeplay and then the reader runs into a sentence that makes no sense, such as, "Did you call the anyone else?" FULL STOP - smack into a wall. It's very disconcerting. It's very annoying. And there are many obvious mistakes throughout the screenplay. Please comb through the script, for however it takes, as tedious as this is. I know how time consuming this is but this self discipline is absolutely necessary, for you and especially for the reader.

Be well and continued good success to you.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Page 12, so how long did Delray and Jordan stay with Jefferson? They seem to be there for less than an hour as Jordan didn't talk to Stephanie for that long. I thought this is Delray and Jordan's night shift which'll last for at least 6 hours. Or am I missing something here?

Page 14, no MAN'S VOICE, just go straight to MILLER, and it should be in (O.S.)

Page 16, I didn't get what Jordan is worrying about. What happened "this morning"? Is it related to how Delray died?

Page 17, good job on surprising me. Never thought Delray would die so early on...or even die at all.

Page 22, the sudden appearance of Stephanie at Delray's funeral rubs me the wrong way. Unless she's involved with Delray's death, then it's not possible to have her in this scene. Let see if this scene makes sense later on.

Page 23, not too sure about this Jordan-Megan meeting. Megan is a diligent reporter and Jordan knows he couldn't say anything. So Jordan was a bit too inviting. Or maybe he's just being a gentleman?

Page 30, one of the dialogues should be Jordan's.

Page 33, I think the same problem emerges here again, but this time with Stephanie instead of Megan. Jordan and Stephanie seem to be too chummy. This is only the second time they talk to each other, right?

Page 36, this Miller guy starts to rub me the wrong way. He seems to picking up everything Jordan forgot to pick up. Let's see if there's something about this character later on.

Page 44, "a lot of people are looking for Millard", I liked how the plot starts to thicken here.

Page 53, don't understand why Jordan hides the note away from Megan, maybe this will be revealed later on?

Page 72, some good reveals here from Samantha. I think the story can move a little faster and sooner to get to the reveals, but maybe it's just me.

Page 76, good, more and more revelations piling up. I hope you can spread these out a little more, put some of them in the first half of Act II.

I'm on page 90 right now, don't know if I still have time to finish.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script was pretty engaging. The story was a bit over the top, but it kept me pretty tied up until the end. And therein lies my first complaint – The end. What a sorry ending. You have this magnificent script going on: Cool characters, bad guys dressed as good guys, a female reporter who can’t leave it alone and the victim’s wife playing a wild card. The plot was well composed and the structure held tightly straight to the end. But then the end came and it was the most terrible ending possible. I hope you can see this as a compliment – I really wanted some more to bring this tale to closure. While Megan will do the right thing, at least we could have seen some justice take place on screen to end with some visual appeal.

Your characters were great, but they hardly arced throughout the script. Dialogue was good, but the characters sounded a lot like each other at times. You maintained a steady pace throughout the entire script that even permeated the last few scenes, and that’s usually where the pace ratchets up a somewhat, yet you managed it well.
I can say that while the surprises were well hidden, the whole scheme was convoluted and unreal, but it worked well within the confines of the script. The beginning circumstances served well to introduce everybody and to give us a glimpse of the situation, and while at times the script slowed up, you stood within the parameters of the story and steered it back on track quickly with a good turn of event. That these transitional events reminded me of so many similar movies where a group works to hide their crime while one of them has a change of heart is sort of a letdown because it is a big cliché. However, you organized your story well and created something that can stand on its own. I congratulate you on your Good work and I wish you the best of luck in all your future works.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

That's an intriguing premise. I just wish the explanation didn't come in big chunk at the end. I think I should be engaged throughout and my brain should be working, deciding, taking sides, hoping. I did not feel invested enough in Jordan, your main character. I couldn't understand how your script supports the logline up until very late, I think past page 70.

There's not enough of Stephanie on the pages. Overall there are too many characters and I'm wondering if all of them are important enough to remain in the script. Are there any you'd want to scratch? --sometimes it's good to scratch few for an ultimate reading experience, and maybe the director decides to add these/others later to pull it away from low-budget tag...- reading is not the same as watching (that's my latest discovery!)
Also, I think your script is full of detail and my attention seems to jump from one "important" thing to another, the details do not support each other and thus the whole investigation (and this script is about an investigation) comes off as a little disjointed.

There's another kind of details in the script that describes the characters gestures and such. One of the reviewers (a great reviewer) on this site cited once (don't know who he was citing) "avoid incidentals...we tend to be too detailed at first, looking at every scene too closely and describing the slightest gestures of characters. the actors are not puppets...they do not need to have minor gestures explained to them just as we do not need to read about them...if your character raises her cup of coffee to her lips, that's not important enough to describe...unless there's poison in the cup...". It's not that the script is full of these, it's not, it's very well written (safe few typos). I thing that this script is too much dialog. As a matter of fact a lot of the important/informational stuff I learn through dialog (I think). The minor action breaks the dialog, true, but I should not learn of character's feelings from minor action, I think.

There were few typos, I understand typos, but let me bring them up here, in case you overlook them (just in case - who cares about typos):
p2 you have "How do respond to reports that he's going to request that you attend his execution?" - this whole sentence is a mess.
p3 - through, not 'throug'
p38 you have "Abosulutely" and there was "theiy" somewhere in there too.
p44 'Doesn't sound toO safe' - and I noticed quite a few 'to' instead of 'too' - you may want to search/find these and correct the wrong ones.
p52 "Did you call THE anyone else?" - not sure here 'the' is a correct usage, but I may be wrong:)

Few page notes:
p2 - first pages are crammed with visual info - which is good
If I didn't read your logline I wouldn't know who to focus on which is fine with me. I have a feature written like that -too many characters and locations - and I would want to ask you to read my first ten/fifteen pages. I wonder what your opinion would be.
p12 - I don't think any woman (even a movie character) would confide into a guard about her love for her husband. And look at him asking just like that. She says "emotional bender" - it's like she's trying to show off and sound smart at a time like this.
p16 - She knows I can't talk about what happened last night - he doesn't even know the man, yet explains to him what h's aoubt to discuss with some lady - good move, very movielike. These instances may read ridiculous but you never question them in movies (I don't). I'm learning to use them.
p17 - this is very interesting. Here I see a promise, and I think I understand now what the movie will be about. On p14 you had very touching Jordan/Stephanie exchange and I want more of it.
p20 "Sometimes grown-ups just need to be apart" - I'd scratch that. Is there every conversation about their divorce?
p25 - she should return his jacket and thank him for it - just a suggestion.
p32 - I want to let you know that the script lost it's pace and now it reads slow. I like slow once "slow" is throughout.
I'm on p39 - Still don't know what Jordan's goal is.
p48 - For some reason I'm not invested enough. Too much of it is about other people, not enough of Jordan on the pages. I think you don't let us into his head.
p52 - the envelope with the smell adds some texture. - here the script picks up the pace, but as I read on I see that you dropped that detail and there's no explanation on the immediate pages (I see how it pays off but in order to hold my attention to it maybe you better explain bits right away)
p69- he says... this whole script is an investigation and I wonder if you could get rid of "he says" and if there's a way to make it more visual.
p71 - want to return to "detail" discussion - "Mel took a liking to you" - is it important? If Mel is helping, why shouldn't he, let him this little explanation doesn't add much I think.

p98,99 and forth - nice reveals, but I think you could give away little by little. Or maybe I'm slow...:)

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Always eager to read a good police story. The idea is a good one. The ending is a series of surprises. Perhaps the biggest reveal is that Stephanie is manic-depressive and turns out she thinks she's responsible for beating/killing Stevenson (Did I miss her first name?) with a golf club. Caught me completely off-guard. Jordan uttering, "Stephanie?" twice is effective.
Probably could tighten a few characters. The other COs don't necessarily need last names. With Jordan's last name so memorable -- Friendly -- curious why his dialogue identifies him as "Jordan" throughout. Kept wondering too how Stephanie could be sympathetic to her incarcerated/philandering husband one minute, and showing up at Jordan's "to celebrate" the next. Her diagnosis covers it.
Had a problem reconciling Delray's suicide. Samantha's comment that Delray had "become more withdrawn for some time now" isn't validated anywhere else. Her reference to Delray loving to fish might be substantiated by Delray at the beginning with a simple comment to Jordan. Megan's character is a good side-kick for Jordan. Her job as a Reporter comes in handy.
Confused a few times with the names of Stephanie, Samantha, and Stevenson. Judy and April don't seem to be particularly relevant to the overall narrative.
The San Francisco setting and variety of locations are interesting and integral. Provides opportunities to "show" more and "tell" less, especially with all the landmarks available in San Francisco. Good color.
There is a lot of dialogue. So much vital information is presented in a discussion form; the actors on the screen talking for long periods with nothing to do. Fascinating reading -- there is a great story here -- but may not be enough visually for an audience. Jordan's confrontation "in a rocking chair with a...SHOTGUN in his lap" with Thomas in the cabin is a prime example. Thomas returns "holding a string of fish." Several bombshells are dropped, but there could be more action.
Fascinating title -- the Lee Harvey Oswald reference, with Burman's off-handed comment of Oswald's rumored sexual preference used as punctuation when Burman eliminates Jordan. Fitting that the explanation surfaces at the end; forces a reader, and hence an audience, to keep looking for the title's inspiration.
Congratulations on completing this screenplay. It was easy to read and entertaining.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your premise has a ton of potential, but the story needs some work. I found the layout confusing and difficult to follow...

You tell most of the story through dialogue. There are a lot pages that are almost entirely dialogue. This story needs more action. Dialogue is really hard to visualize and it isn't very engaging when you can't see the faces of the people speaking.

You have too many named characters to keep track of. It made it very hard to figure out who was important and who wasn't...

You start with Governor Snyder. Then you introduce Amy and Marshal. I expected at least one of these people to play an integral part in the story, but I don't remember them ever being mentioned again after the press conference. By starting with the Governor, you imply that he has a deep involvement in the story, but nothing comes of it. Everything and everyone you bring into a story should be a part of the story.

Then you introduce Megan and the reporters and all of the cops and Stephanie and Miller and Jordan and Delray and Leavitt and Simmons and etc... I couldn't keep track after awhile... Not without working at it.

You also introduce the NINJA MOTORCYCLE. That works as a product placement, but a NINJA is not just a motorcycle. There's a reputation that goes with it. A NINJA is rumored to be dangerous. A NINJA rider is a death defying man of action. Everything about the NINJA carries a promise of high speed, edge of your seat, wet your pants action. None of that was made use of here. The bike could just as well have been a CanAm Spyder, which is cool in totally different ways.

Jordan is a very passive protagonist. He's fed information through dialogue. It's almost like he's along for the ride instead of an active participant... His attitude from the beginning suggested to me that he was undercover.

I'm not sure who the antagonist was supposed to be.

Technical stuff -

In general - I'm not crazy about underlining or extensive use of all CAPS, but I don't rate on their use. You might want to pick one or the other, though, and avoid using them unless they're really necessary. Overuse reduces the impact they're intended to have.

Use the same CHARACTER NAME to begin each character's dialogue. The only change should be adding an (O.S.) when necessary. A character report of this script would include people named STEPHANIE/WOMAN'S VOICE and WOMAN'S VOICE. Be consistent.

You use a lot of parentheticals. Consider writing action lines that show what's happening instead.

You sometimes end action sentences with colons. Use periods or exclamation points.

I really dislike the use of LATER in scene headings. If you're in the same location and it's later, just insert a LATER between the times without adding a new heading. Otherwise, the writing should be enough to indicate a change in time. Unless there's a big jump forward or backward in time, there's no reason for a LATER designation.

Watch the use of CONTINUOUS. I'm not sure you always used it correctly, but I could be totally wrong. I'm not rating on it. You should see if others say anything similar, though.

Page 3 - STATE TROOPER(S)" -- "Delray offer(s)..." -- "...you get throug(h)...

"Page 4 - "Theiy" spelling. -- Consider including a rearview mirror image of the ambulance lights before Delray says, "Something's wrong."

Page 5 - "Delroy leads Jordon into (the) brightly lit..."

Page 6 - Spelling on "sacri(f)ice."

Page 8 - Samantha's first dialogue - Use a comma after an introductory element... "Despite what happened here, Jefferson's..." -- Rethink the "Thomas gives Jordon..." sentence. -- "...and sees Thomas reach down a(nd) pull..." -- Drop the "One reporter" and simply say "Megan Plante wraps..."

Page 9 - "(T)he Calvary..." Also on this, did you intend that Leavitt use that word, or did you mean "cavalry?"

Page 13 - Use a comma before or surrounding the name of a person being directly addressed as in Stephanie's first dialogue... "...listening(,) Officer..."

Page 15 - Spelling on "mapele."

Page 17 - "The(y) sit..."

Page 19 - You end a sentence midstream - "Walks away, until."

Page 21 - You don't need the apostrophes around 'fifty.' -- Reconsider the last dialogue sentence.

Page 22 - It took me a while to figure out that Megan was coming from the bridal shower. You might want to work that into the action lines.

Page 23 - "I would have loved to (have) been there."

Page 26 - Megan has a big chunk of expository dialogue here, and you hit the enter key accidentally while you were writing it. You might want to break it up with some action. Think "Pope in the pool here.

Page 30 - The middle PATROLMAN dialogue should be Jordon's.

Page - 34 - Is it supposed to be "Richardson" bay?

Page 35 - "Jordon pulls the open box..."

Page 37 - In the parenthetical, change the spelling from "poors" to "pours."

Page 38 - Check over Stephanie's longest dialogue.

Page 39 - You might want to mention that Stephanie's digging through her purse rather than the sink.

Page 43 - "Most of the guys that here can get..."

Page 44 - Top of the page, spelling - "too.

Page 45 - Megan's last dialogue - "You need to get back to you(r) place...

Page 48 - In the first action sentence - Remove "holds" and correct the spelling on "pari-mutual."

Page 50 - You have two JORDON dialogues in a row. One of them should be the DETECTIVE.

Page 51 - "Snifs" needs a second f.

Page 52 - "Did you call (the) anyone else?"

Page 60 - "the dropped of(f) the bike."

Page 61 - Nice product placement with the Mr. Pibb!

Page 62 - Spelling - "on" should be "one" in Burman's third dialogue block. -- Envelop(e). -- And Morgan's last dialogue needs a period.

Page 63 - Three by three foot cages would only allow a person to stand up straight. You don't really need to specifiy a size, though. Just say "jail cells."

Page 66 - "He just into an accident..."

Page 70 - The last line needs to be rewritten.

Page 72 - Bottom of the page - What prescription bottle?

Page 75 - "Hands it (to) Jordon." -- "I just wanted to return you(r) call."

Page 79 - Bottom of the page - "I wouldn't get my hopes up to(o) much." -- If we can get out (our) foot in..."

Page 80 - "No, I just (want) Daniel..."

Page 83 - "There both..." should be "They're both..."

Page 91 - "Sam couldn't get him (t)he day off..."

Page 97 - "...so no (one) would know..."

Page 99 - ...their was a chance" should be "there was a chance..."

Page 102 - Bottom - "Waiting to for a chance...

Page 104 - Bottom - "How long have you know(n) this?" Twice.

Page 106 - ..."the lid of(f) the..." -- "Hold(s) it to her chin."

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The Oswald Solution
Check for typos. A few got past you, and there were a few technical/format things you should fix, such as "he wretches" when you mean "he retches" using "voyeur" as a verb and the killer, "to" instead of "too". These are just the errors that stuck out the most to me, but they increase in frequency further into the script.

I like the title - Oswald Solution immediately conjures images of a lone gunman assassin and the conspiracy theories that surround them, yet some might still not get the reference (in that way it reminds me of "The Manchurian Candidate" title).

Jordan's relationship with his daughter felt under-developed. Going into more detail about it could have lead into clichéd areas, but I think it would have helped to see more of Jordan's character. At the moment he's a bit of a blank state. I was also wondering about the age of his daughter - he was introduced as 23, yet he has a daughter old enough to be mistaken for his girlfriend? Or maybe I misunderstood that part.

There were a lot of suspenseful scenes but overall I didn't find that they flowed into each other as a part of a larger story until it started coming together at the climax. I love the conspiracy stuff, but it felt as if we didn't have enough information to really be following the breaks in the case. The characters talk about what happened a lot, but there's very little visual information given.

I think you can definitely take a few more pages dealing with the ending. Our protagonist dies rather abruptly, and then Megan's fate is left unknown. This is a really unsatisfying ending - more so than an "evil triumphs" ending.

Mary McKevett (Level 2)

A fast pacey story with good twists. Nice writing style with great dialogue. The current story would be great for a 'made for TV' film. With more work on the structure, character and gentre, the script would be perfect for a cinema film.

One has instant empathy for Jordan, the protagonist - the new guy at the prison (a fish out of water) on a steep learning curve . He's very sympathetic - the divorced but caring dad. Much later on we discover that Jordan is an infiltrator, sent to spy on his fellow prison officers. Leaving this fact hidden from the audience for so long wastes some great opportunities to create conflict and crank up tension. For example, it would be interesting if Delray found something incriminating about Jordan and has a show down with Jordan just before his suicide. Jordan would feel his cover's completely blown - his assignment's over. Then Delray's suicide can come as a big turning point into act 2 - it's a second chance for Jordan. He can continue his secret assignment plus develop his relationship with Stephanie.

Discovering that Stephanie is the real antagonist and that Jordan gets killed at the end was initially very disappointing. However, re-reading the script I realised it's a good and suitable ending for a 'film noir'. The script though, has to be made more film noir all the way through. e.g more lies, betrayal, darkness.

The two female characters have great potential but need more work to make them quite distinct to one another and to appeal to Jordan in different ways (so he's even more conflicted). In film noir there's usually an attractive, sensible woman that the protagonis should choose. However, he's always drawn to the sexually irrestible, manipulative female who uses him to do her dirty work before he/they are punished/killed. There needs to be a sexual charge between Jordan and Stephanie from their first meeting. The audience needs to see him become putty in Stephanie's hands. And even more conflicted with guilt for his feelings for a Death Row prisoner's wife. The confined claustrophobic atmosphere of the prison (and bars) and night scenes are made for a moody, dark film noir.
Quite a few of the prison guards are hard to tell apart except from 'giant' Thomas. Nice if they had more individual quirks to distinguish them. More conflict could be generated between the guards and Jordan - they could be a lot more suspicious of him (he's drafted into the prison at short notice). Plus their colleague, Delray, dies suddenly and suspiciously after meeting Jordan.

Nice set up with the noise and conflict of protestors outside the jail. Good locations -I like the house boat setting as a big contrast to the prison. Maybe I missed something in the script as I can't figure out how the title fits in. Is it the lethal liquid for execution injections? The Oswald Solution has a terrific story and with more work has the potential to become a really fantastic script.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

It's a good start. Intense. Introduces the characters well.

From the "full glass of bourbon" to "throws back the rest of his drink" in 1/3 page? Must have been a small glass.

You should find a good proofreader. There are a number of grammatical and spelling errors. "throug" on page 3, "Theiy" page 4, "Calvary" instead of "cavalry" on page 9. They distract the reader (at least they distracted me) and will make your screenplay unsalable.

By page ten, it seems like Jordan is the protagonist. A couple of good bits show him as level-headed. Seems incongruent with his actions in the van at the beginning, where he just seemed scared.

Stephanie has a lot to say on pages 11-12. Can you show any of this. Action drags here.

Why does Jordan drag Stephanie from the funeral?

By page 22, you've created a lot of questions. Looking for answers...

You set Megan up as a pretty heartless reporter wanting to "cover" the funeral.

Not sure what the point of the hospital visit was. It didn't move the story and chewed up a lot of time.

Well, there's a germ of a story here...it needs fleshed out more. There's a lot of talking and not much action. A film benefits from the audience seeing things happening, not hearing them spoken by the actors. I found myself confused and my mind wandering a couple times.

Work on Jordan and Megan. Why should I care about them? There isn't a character I really care about. Jordan goes through the motions of investigating. I had a sense that he was more than he seemed, but I really didn't care enough.

Why was Jordan and vegetarian and non-drinker? Was there a reason? Why did Megan investigate this story in high school? I found more questions than answers.

You introduce a lot of characters early in the screenplay and it's confusing. How can you make each one distinctive so the audience can differentiate them?

The ending is dramatic and a good closer. I like the idea of a fetus as the evidence that ties up a case...it's creepy and very real. Easy to identify with on a lot of levels. The blood type thing is good if a bit esoteric and hard to follow.

You set up a lot of potential for sex. Jordan with Megan. With Stephanie. Might raise the stakes and create some interest.

What themes were you trying to communicate? It wasn't clear to me.

Look at beginning a rewrite. I would suggest writing biographies of your characters first. This story needs some meat, some nuance. People's lives are messy...you need to show that to make them more real.

And, again...find a proofreader. It was hard looking past the spelling and grammatical errors.

An interesting premise that needs a lot of work. Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

THE OSWALD SOLUTION

Well done for completing a first draft in the time limit, I know how tough the challenge was!

STORY

A very well thought out plot with lots of twists and unexpected turns that kept me guessing (sometimes too much) and intrigued. I did feel confused quite a lot of the time and was often scanning backwards to see if I'd missed something. Some of the scene transitions were rather abrupt and again I was checking to see if I'd missed a page. Specific examples are:

p7 – why does he kick the chair?

p47 - which guys? How did she know? Where did this happen? Is she talking about them looking for Millard? Was she following them? What's a pari-mutual ticket?

P54 – I found the dialogue very confusing and rather too cryptic.

P61 – thing? What yard?

P62-63 – I realise the guys were getting Jordan out of the way so they could access his phone but I was extremely confused as to what he'd been sent to do. It seemed that they'd been sent to unlock a pair of handcuffs. I had to re-read those pages a couple of times and was still a bit lost.

P72 – the stuff with the prescription – what has he noticed? Does this tie in with him counting them earlier? What has he noticed here? Does he actually need more pills or is he just going to question the doctor?

P84 – why did he toss the note away? I couldn't make sense of that choice.

P88 – the first paragraph – how will the audience know that was her space. Again I had to read over to get the point.

Leavitt is important but again I'm not sure how he fits in the picture. I had to scan back to see if he actually has a scene or is mentioned anywhere before Megan talks about him and then is killed and why does he have Jordan's photo?

The relationship with Stephanie was again a bit befuddled. I'm not sure where the attraction between them first sprang to life and the hints towards her being a baddie were a little vague.

The end felt a bit rushed with a lot being explained in the last few pages and Jordan's death came out of nowhere and really shocked me. I feel there should have been a further scene to let us assimilate what has just happened and to fully grasp that Megan will be able to prove them guilty. I also wasn't sure where all that money came from was it the campaign money – how did the guards get it?

I had to check back to the beginning that Snyder was the governor in the first scene, so perhaps another scene with him somewhere else in the script just to keep in him mind.

How did the foetus end up back in the cabin? Isn't that what was in the envelope sent to Jordan? Who put it back in the cabin and why? Surely they'd want that evidence destroyed not kept?

I also found the Oswald dialogue confusing at the end, it didn't make sense to me and surely Burman would be caught and the whole thing investigated and was he going for Stephanie or Jordan?? I would have liked to understand this better as it ties in with the title and is obviously important but I'm not sure who the patsy was meant to be.

CHARACTERS

A lot of characters to keep a handle on and I found it hard to differentiate between the CO's.

Jordan is likeable, an everyman who's easy to identify with but lacks depth and qualities to set him apart.

Stephanie I liked a lot, I found her the most interesting character because I wasn't sure of her motives and where she was coming from. I would have liked to see more of her mental instability and a hint at the violence she is capable of.

Megan – a sounding board really for Jordan and quite straightforward.

None of the characters really stood out for me or blew me away with characterisation or originality.

DIALOGUE

Good, particularly the banter between the CO's.

Very few idioms or quirks of speech or speaking patterns between the characters, a lot of the dialogue could be spoken by any one of them without anything to distinguish between them.

OTHER POINTS

Less romance than I was expecting but I understand the story morphs and evolves during the writing period. What made your logline so spectacular was the choice facing your protagonist and that has all vanished from the end script.

The divorce that you set up at the beginning doesn't lead to anything and seems superfluous as it really flagged up as a possible sub-plot.

Good tension in the final scene when Jordan finds the money and foetus, this had me sitting up straighter, it's a real attention grabber.

OVERALL

The makings of a very strong and plausible thriller but a bit unclear in places with too much being explained at the end. There's quite a lot of telling rather than showing and some unecessary detailed descriptons in place:

'the busboy pulls out Megan's chair'
'stops... pulls out keys...'
'perhaps too long'

Sometimes it feels as though the lines are there to just break up the dialogue but it happens rather a lot.

Lots of typos throughout.

A very strong hook though and I certainly hope you pursue it, you definitely have an extremely strong plot and with a bit of work this will be a marvellous thriller. Very well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I enjoyed the script even though I'm not a big fan of cop/detective type of stories. I really liked the dialogue, it was natural, well written. I like you kept the guessing game for me till the end.

My only concern is you have a lot of typos. Sometimes you miss words.

Overall the writing is pretty good.

Concept wise, I've seen so many cop/detective stories, that they all seem the same to me, so in your case you have to work hard on jumping out with something fresh, and I think you've done a pretty good job.

Scenes with Jordan/Stephanie and Jordan/Megan conveniently switch one with another. Did you do it on purpose? Like Jordan is somewhat trapped between the two? Or otherwise, it seems a bit artificial how it goes back and forth and the two women don't accidentally stumble on each other. I was expecting something like Stephanie eats pasta at Jordan's houseboat and Megan walks in with "what is SHE doing here?" But everything is safe: she just calls on the cell.

Not clear to me when did Jordan get introduced to Stephanie? Is it in the beginning when he offers her a cup of coffee? At that point it felt like they've known each other for quite some time. I'd like to see how they met and get a hint that he likes her, striken by her beauty/character. What's so good about her? And I'd like to see his arch of falling for her.
Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've got a great idea for a thriller/romance, and you do a pretty good job of juggling an enormous cast of characters. I like the choice to set many scenes on the water, including Jordan's home - I'm not sure if it's symbolic of anything, but it makes for a nice change of pace in what essentially amount to a Sherlock-Holmes private investigation. I like Jordan immediately, with his smart solution to the Coke machine and the easy way he interacts with the guards and Stephanie.

I remember the first ten from last round, and if I'm correct, you seem to have made some changes. I see how the "calm before the storm" angle works better. The governor, while clearly a potential villain (revealed as the actual villain) is reasonable and likable. He contrasts the angry protesters in the street, and gives you reason to side with him before his true nature is revealed (in the investigation).

Megan really grew on me. Her spunkiness was annoying at first, but when it was made clear that her reasons for being nosy were genuine, and her work was first-rate, then she became very likable, even more likable than Jordan, by the end. (I really like "I'll make it worth your while." Beat. "Not that way.") Surprisingly, my next favorite character rapidly become Miller, with his total cluelessness and his habit of getting left hanging by Jordan.

There are at least two really great suspenseful moments: the scene where Jordan comes back to his home and smells the rotten envelope, and the scene at the cabin where finds the money, and ultimately the fetus. The slight problem in the second is that it's not entirely unexpected, for something so shocking and gruesome, the problem with the first is that there's no payoff. You're expecting some horrific clue, but the stickiness on the envelope (which gets you primed for a big scare, or at least gross-out) is the most you get to see. Still, I understand the logic behind both scenes, and while I wish you could maximize the payoff in each scene, I don't see how else you could do it without a complete rewrite.

The problems inherent in the script, I think, can be boiled down to three umbrella topics.

The first is the simple need for a spelling and grammar check. One or two mistakes is acceptable, especially in a full-length. But there were a lot of very basic grammatical errors ("to" instead of "too", a lot of missing periods) misspelled words ("theiy" "sacrice" "rumages" "wretches") and at least one confusing sequences where Jordan speaks three times, talking to himself instead of the detective (and since its so hard to tell who should be speaking, that doesn't say much about how different Jordan's voice is from the detective). Again, I know this contest had many people under the gun, but these mistakes make it seem like you didn't have time to read the script down before you submitted it.

The next problem is that there seem to be way too many plotlines, or maybe just subplots, and it's sometimes difficult to tell which we should focus on. The primary plot includes all of the following: the actual murder, the trial of Jefferson, Jordan falling for Stephanie, Megan digging up the truth, Snyder's involvement, the prison guards suppressing the evidence, Delray's suicide, and Leavitt's murder. Unrelated plots seem to be Jordan's marriage falling apart (which is never really expounded upon), Jordan's head injury, and the fact that Jordan is actually an undercover investigator.

The sheer number of characters to keep straight just to untangle all of these plots is difficult. You do a decent job of keeping the voices of the major characters distinct, but I literally lost track of the different guards (it doesn't help that Jordan calls out sick for a third of the script). When Leavitt died, I had no idea who he was. I had to keep flipping back through the pages to remember who was who and what they did. It does not help that "Jefferson" and "Stevenson" are the convicted man and his victim - I kept mixing them up. Ditto Miller and "Millard" - it's just too close.

Here's an example of how the plotlines get entangled. Megan brings Jordan to a marina, without much explanation. When the conversation starts, I don't know if she's talking about A) Jefferson, B) Delray, or C) something totally new. In the end, I thought she was talking about Jefferson, but then it turns out that that murder happened during a fundraiser. Maybe it was at the marina?

This helps to also illustrate the almost paradoxical third problem - despite the large number of plots, there's very little information about any of them. No one ever spells out exactly what happened when Stevenson was murdered. Thomas comes the closest at the end, but I still can't visualize it - how did they get the fetus? Who did that part? This crime could stand to be told in flashback.

Why are the prison guards ALL involved? Why wasn't Leavitt the only witness? Why wasn't Delray (the union rep)? Does a presidential candidate need the support of a local prison guards' union? If Jordan really thinks he's investigating the guards, why doesn't he spend more time with them? And if he knows it's a sham, than he's just there to make sure the execution goes through, why doesn't he implicate Snyder earlier to Megan and Stephanie? What is Stephanie doing behind the scenes? Why does Delray crack and send Jordan the fetus? Why did Leavitt seem to want to come clean by running with the flask? How did the murder by semi-truck work? Who was Stevenson? Why was she invited to a meeting where they would agree to shaft her? How did she end up in Jefferson's garage? I may not need the answer to all of these questions, but I need the answer to some of them. Otherwise, it's very hard to untangle the story, and harder to follow along. And I get the feeling that you know the answers to these questions, but that they just got edited out of the storytelling.

There's an issue I have that may not be an actual problem, but I think if you changed it, you could solve some of these problems. You make a big reveal at the end that Jordan is not a prison guard, but an undercover agent. This makes me feel cheated. Jordan seemed honest, and as an audience member, to have spent so much time with him, to see him throw away evidence but not understand that he's on a case, seems like a cheap trick. Some people may like it, I don't. That's an opinion.

But consider this: open with a meeting with Snyder and high-level staff, where Jordan is in attendance, and receiving his assignment. You can spin the story out Snyder's way right at the top: the crime, the assignment, the execution, and Snyder's excuse for mistrusting the guards. That builds a whole new level of suspense: when Jordan goes in, he's not just a rookie trying to fit in. He's in enemy territory, and we all know it. And we like Delray, and hate that he's fooled (just like Jordan). And then he dies, and the safety net is gone - these other guys hate him already. Now add the complication that Jefferson is likely innocent, and the love of Stephanie, and I think you'll take the story up a notch.

Lastly, I'll say the the promise of the logline isn't fully realized in this variation. For most of the script, the innocent-man-wrongly-accused that Jordan has to decide whether or not to save is in a coma. Jefferson's gonna check out whether or not Jordan does anything. It does make the decision harder, more murky. But if you stick with it, you have to make it less about Jefferson's innocence, and more about Snyder's guilt - even if we don't know it's Snyder who's guilty. Nobody in this script (even Megan) really cares about Stevenson. She's just a faceless victim. Jefferson's gone no matter what - so make it less about his innocence and more about her justice.

I hope these comments were helpful. Good luck in the contest, and congratulations on a well-deserved place among the top ten.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.

I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.

Pg 1 – When I looked at the top of this page the amount of capitalization threw me off. Also you have two lines after “FADE IN:” and the first slugline wraps over. None of these things is terrible but right at the beginning of the script they don’t give a good impression.

“Is the podium ready?” – Shouldn’t she have asked that before she told the Governor it was ready?

The start generates immediate intrigue.

Pg 2 – “One MALE REPORTER shouts out:” – This seems like an odd thing to describe. Perhaps something like “A MALE REPORTER jumps to his feet.” avoids the problem.

“Jefferson was a high ranking member of your political organization.” – Feels like exposition.

Pg 3 – I notice you are capitalizing things like the vehicles and the strong sound effects. This method makes sense and in particular it is good for a production draft, however I wonder if it makes your spec script look cluttered.

Pg 7 – “Looks like you had a lot of practice at it too.” – Is the wrong character saying this?

Pg 8 - “- LATER” – This should probably be NIGHT, either that or DAY.

Pg 9 – Similarly MOMENTS LATER doesn’t help with lighting set ups.

I like the plot development of this.

Pg 12 – “I’ve practiced shutting…” – This is good stuff and I like the change of direction caused by what I guess is your inciting incident, however this particular dialogue line might be an example of overly done dialogue that is a little on-the-nose.

Pg 14 – “ONE ENVELOPE” – I’m not sure these minor slugs add much. If you write that it reads something on it then it goes without saying that an INSERT is being used.

Pg 15 – “MAN’S VOICE” – For me you might as well just give his name straight away.

Pg 26 – The relationship stuff is going fine but I’m not sure how they got together. Perhaps I missed something.

Pg 30 – Jordan cutting his head feels a bit random and I’m not seeing how the detail of getting to the hospital is going to be important to the story.

Pg 38 – I think I recall from the logline that these two are going to get together. So far I’m not sure I’ve got a sense of sparks flying.

Pg 43 – “(shutting the door)” – In a few places I think you probably don’t need the parentheticals you’ve used.

Pg 45 – “For all we know, she could have lead them right to him.” – It’s probably my concentration but I’ll admit I’ve lost track of what this means. I know they are talking about Stephanie, but I don’t know who “them” or “him” are.

Pg 46 – “of sparking waters” – This is just one example of numerous typos in this.

Pg 52 – The smell stuff is intriguing but I have missed what it was that smelled and why it smelled.

Pg 55 – “His message said he’s here.” – What message?

Pg 64 – When he’s in the prison I’m finding it awkward to distinguish the other COs from each other. Perhaps you need less of them.

Pg 66 – I didn’t remember who Leavitt is and having looked back for him I doubt an audience would.

Pg 68 – If my recollection is correct the Golden Gate Bridge is doubled decked with traffic in one direction on each deck. So a head on collision seems very unlikely.

Pg 75 – At the moment I get the sense that a conspiracy is being slowly revealed. I don’t know if it feels like Jordan is dynamically tracking it down which at this stage in the story I might expect him to be doing.

Pg 84 – Him chucking away the champagne bottle has good drama and visuals, but I’m afraid I’m struggling to understand what it is or what it means.

Pg 93 – Discovering the money injects some energy into the story. 15 pages from the end I was looking for the finale to get going.

Pg 95 – Jordan finding the evidence works okay but I’m wondering if it seems a bit like random luck instead of something that he has to work for.

Pg 98 – It’s nice to get an explanation of what happened but you’ve got a couple of pages of solid talking right in the middle of the finale so that might look slow on screen.

Pg 105 – “Oswald was a fag.” – Who’s Oswald?

Pg 106 – I didn’t catch why Burman wants them dead. I’m also not sure why the Governor resigning matters. I’m not really sure what note she has in her hand at the end. Sorry it might be me reading it badly but unfortunately I struggled to understand the ending.

Overall you’ve got an intriguing location and character set ups with a story that has good mystery and good twists.

The writing technique reads well although it does have a first draft feel about it because of the typos.

As I’m sure you got from my notes I struggled to follow the events in this which makes it hard for me to make suggestions for the story.

Good luck with it.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

This story drew me in, had an interesting idea and a detective/guard who played against type, but it was *very* "talky." It seemed like everything was happening off screen. What was particularly annoying is that several times the scene would end as just Jordon discovered something... but what he discovered wasn't revealed to the reader. Then he would be talking about "whatever it was" in the next scene, or a few scenes further along. These characteristics tended to blunt the build up of drama -- and made the pacing odd. You didn't feel a lot of urgency because of the way the characters just kind of talked so casually about everything -- how they mixed in the pertinent stuff with all the chatter.

What was also odd is how Jordon, who's the "new guy," immediately becomes the center of the story -- especially with Stephanie and Megan. They've both been working on this case for years so they would obviously have toher contacts, then Jordon shows up, and now everything is immediately working through him. Basically that quickly. And that just didn't ring true to me. I almost think it would have been better to just make Jordon a detective from the beginning and then all of this would have fallen into place more naturally.

There were also some smaller "suspension of disbelief" issues. When Jordon meets the kid on the dock about the witness (Millard?) he hands him his card. Okay, what kind of card does a prison guard carry? And he's just moved into his house, not even unpacked, but he already has a card? Also, when Jordon walks into the prison infirmary, "swinging doors" are mentioned. I've never been in San Quentin, but years ago I filled vending machines in the California Men's Colony (CMC) in San Luis Obispo. The East facility was a high security prison, though nothing like Chico or San Quentin -- the prison housed murderers but San Quentin (or maybe Chico) was were they went if they couldn't behave in CMC. That said, the deepest I got into that prison was the day I was issued my vendor's badge. I had to go into their administrative offices -- which wasn't even where the prisoners were housed. Still I had to go through at least five doors -- each one controlled by a guard, each door steel. You buzzed in and they "clanked shut" when you went through them. And this was not the "secure" area of prison. All this just to tell you why "swinging doors" in a prison seems completely out of place.

Another issue I had with the story is that you've done a pretty good job of making Jordon a Boy Scout -- and that makes his sleeping with Stephanie (a married woman) a bit hard to accept. At least you should have her seduce him and him make an effort against it -- instead of (more or less) making it go the other way.

I'm nitpicking now. As I mentioned at the beginning, this is a pretty good basic story, but it needs more intensity -- and they way to do that is to cut out a lot of the talking (and explaining) and add a lot more "doing" (action). And, when you reveal something to your main character, reveal it to us also (unless there is a really good reason not to).

I'll quit rambling now.

Thanks for submitting this script.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

I believe that there's a pretty good idea for a story in this script, and I think that this idea could be turned into a pretty good TV-movie. The story certainly kept my attention until the end, trying to figure out what had happened. My criticisms are of the plot points, the way the mystery is finally revealed, and the dialogue.

There are too many plot points that I found questionable to go into, most of them small ones, but I will mention, for example, the way the characters of the story keep opening themselves up and revealing information to Jordan, someone who they barely know. Also, the characters of Miller, Jordan's landlord, and Samantha seem really unnecessary to the story.

Usually in mysteries the investigator, whether it be Perry Mason or the "Cold Case" investigators or whoever, will find clues along the way, which gives them new directions to search in, but won't necessarily reveal who the killer is. We don't find out anything about what has transpired behind these mysterious events until the very end, and then unless the director has decided to use flashbacks, it would be just too much to listen to Thomas recite nearly three pages of information. We could have at least found out at an earlier time in the story that Jordan worked for the California Bureau of Investigation and Intelligence. Otherwise we'd be wondering the whole time why a Corrections Officer has gotten so involved with this particular case.

Finally, I thought that the dialogue needs a lot of improvement. Too often it was mundane or cliched, like on Page 34 on the houseboat with Jordan and Stephanie's conversation or even their original conversation in the hospital cafeteria.

In some cases the dialogue could have been more concise, like on Page 38, when Stephanie says to Jordan, "They told me that there were complications..." This could have been reduced to, "Apparently he suffered a mild stroke and there are complications. So they're planning on pumping him full of barbiturates to induce a coma. They control any and all decisions about his medical treatment."

In some cases the dialogue could have been eliminated altogether. The telephone conversation between Jordan and his daughter, for example, didn't really seem to add anything to the story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I was really impressed by your dialog in the ten pagers and this is no different in the longer version too. One thing I'm really having trouble with however is the number of characters.

Jordan stands out of course but still can't distinguish the others and I'm almost 25 pages into the story.

As I finsih an hour of the the script I find myself trying to put together the puzzles and admire your craft. This is a very well woven crime/drama with suspense thrown in good measure.

Though lack of major dramatic action is evident, I'm enjoying the dialogs a lot and also the fact that events accur at different locations with motivated reasons for the characters being there.

There are moments in the script where I notice typo errors with character names switched or repeated. This does make me halt a bit and you might want to give this a once over to get rid of the issue.

The kiss with Stephanie on pg. 80 occurs a bit too late in the plot. I want it sonner even if it is an act of manipulation.

Delray's note is too much on the nose exposition. In a story as taut as this one I expected a better means of delivering the explanation than just a note.

This was taut, well crafted and other than those typos and some pacing issues, I think you've got a very original suspense/drama going on here.

However it doesn't quite fit the logline and this is more suspense than love drama and their relationship is always under a cloud of suspicion for me as the audience.

Your research shows, the lingo is on par and the characters that really matter are believable.

The ending does feel slightly rushed to me and death by sniper I'm not too sure about, especially that the bullet passes through Stephanie and enters Jordan's heart.

The large cast does get a bit confusing and their voices sound similar as compared to Jordan and the ladies.

This reminds me of "Rising Sun", "Murder at 1400" and similar taut scripts.

Very well done!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a really quick read and I enjoyed it. I don't think the logline is exactly like the movie. Did Jordan fall in love with her? I didn't see any evidence of that at all. They seemed like they were going to fall for each other, but nothing happened.

I gave this a good, it would have been very good, but there were so many typos and grammar problems that I took points off. Only because I think with a good proof read you would have found them and been able to correct them. If you're going to submit a script, a few typos are passable imho, but there were a lot of them in this story. You even had the wrong character for the wrong dialog in one part. Making sure your story is as pristine in formatting and spelling and typos is so important.

The story starts off strong and it did keep my interest all the way through. I felt like the first half of the script was stronger than the ending.

For Jordan to die in the end was to me a mistake. We've invested so much time into this character and for you to have him killed just came out of nowhere to me.

My favorite characters were Megan and Jordan. Stephanie came off a bit weak to me. I think it would have been stronger if you'd eliminated one of the females. That would have given you more time to develop a love interest. There would have been a stronger story if you'd had a love interest really developed between Jordan and Stephanie.

The title is strong. Intriguing.

I have a couple more scripts to go, but so far this has been my favorite one. I like the way you write, it's clear and concise. Your action lines are really well written and your dialog is well done. It was just those darn typos that bugged me.

With a couple of rewrites, this will be very strong and I could see it on television.

Well done.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 10/1/2010 10:03 AM

This was one of my favorites. It was the typos that pulled it down for me. But of all the stories in this months competition, this was one of the favorites for me, and I'm surprised it didn't place.

It must have been the lack of attention to the formatting, typos, etc that did it.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 10:46 AM

David, you had a really solid start to this, with some great ideas and unique visuals. I hope, with or without a rewrite, you have a lot of success with this script. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2010 11:23 AM

thanks to everyone for taking the time to read/comment on my story...i've been in the process of fleshing out all the typos and formatting problems and then will go about reworking some of the story lines that weren't as effective as i had hoped...i have been encouraged by the interest that "oswald" has gotten outside of MP, so (hopefully) a cleaner and leaner version of the story will emerge...thanks again for all your suggestions...any further success of the story will be directly attributed to all of your help...peace...

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 2/10/2012 2:09 AM

Hey, David. I have notice that in your reviews, you give each person a rating on the sturcture, and most of them are "Needs Work." What do you mean, "structure" as far as your rating system goes? I understand the other system ratings you give for your reviews.

After I read the first ten pages of this screenplay, it was looking good. I hope you get this made someday.