Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

This could have been deeper if your dialog wasn't so on the nose. You should show the janitor having no passion. Just saying it seems to water it down.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Short, sweet and powerful! Good use of "voice over." A lot of readers tend to criticize voice over use, but I, personally, think it's a great tool when used correctly. A formatting error with the use of (beat)... should be below "alive" and above "got." You also forgot the period after "ambles." No biggie though. Very good job keeping your blocks of action text clean and crisp. There are no words there that don't belong, helping to maintain the theme of "more of less is more." The janitor found a reason to live, which was a great pay-off in the end. I think what you have here is a poignant little story that will most likely be filmed. Congratulations on a job very well done!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

A thirty something janitor is a bit young to be jaded by the world. It would work better if he was in his 50s.

Good use of your title. It's vague yet relevant.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I like this a lot. It has a good message to it cloaked in a gritty and violent world. I don't know much about the janitor up to this point in his life, but I know he' miserable. I can imagine he's not a perfect guy. Maybe he's done hard time, I don't know, but in the end, that one decision redeems him. This is VERY GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well, but the story seemed very shallow. Basically, a janitor with nothing to live for takes a bullet for a girl who's arguing with her boyfriend.

I have a few issues here. The main one is how unlikely the whole situation is. Boy and Girl have an arguement in a high school hallway and he pulls out a gun? Maybe if Boy and Girl were introduced a little better, but the way you have it just paints the picture of an average teen who suddenly produces a pistol. It just didn't seem very believable.

My other issue is the janitor's VO monologue. It seems like he's preaching or lecturing some profound wisdom, but he's not... at all. Who wants to take words of wisdom or advice from some guy that just got himself shot for no apparent reason? (It didn't seem like Boy was planning on pulling the trigger until Janitor hurled himself at him.)

Overall, this was okay, but I felt like it was ultimately a very unbelievable story. Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a great story and the janitor really came to life (no pun intended!) but I felt the scene between the boy and the girl let it down a bit - there wasn't enough sense of drama created that would result in a shooting.Yes, you only had a tiny length of time but I'm sure it is possible. The dialogue there was lame, as was the 'oh my God, you saved my life'

With a little more thought about this, it would be excellent.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I like the message, but not so much how you get there. The boy shooting the girl is a bit over the top. Would seem more realistic if he were hitting her and the janitor stepped in, maybe got his butt kicked.

Still, the writing is good as is the point of the point of the story. Good job, but think it would be better if made more realistic.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Damn, I liked this one. It had the three acts and a satisfying ending. You are getting an excellent from me. I think it'll win.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Honestly, I'm torn with this script.

One the one hand, it feels very coincidental - especially for one page. But on the other hand, I absolutely love the rhyming voice over narration. That last line in particular is just perfect.

I think if this were maybe longer, a five page short, and we got to know this Janitor and his loneliness a bit more this could be amazing.

Still, as is, I really did enjoy this and I hope you expand it.

Colin Searle (Level 2)

Liked the idea of the janitor getting the feeling of being alive back, just at the moment of death (or maybe injury), but didn't like the faint smile at the end as I have a phobia of scripts that have people doing that kind of thing.

I liked the way you used the lyrics at the beginning and then amended them at the end to reflect the janitors new state of mind, good idea.

I wasn't very keen on the dialogue between the boy and girl as it appeared to me a little generic. I would have liked them to discuss something more personal (maybe mentioning events that we are not party to).

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

In my opinion this is not close to "an entire story in one page". The sentence fragments irritated the hell out of me. It's like this was written with text messages or something. For example: "Girl turns to leave. Boy grabs arm, pulls a gun on her." and "Boy, startled, fires a shot just as Janitor jumps in front of Girl. She screams. Janitor is hit. Both fall to the ground. Boy runs off." Ug, ug. Grunt, grunt. Sorry, but this kind of writing really takes me out of the story.

No obvious spelling errors. Sentence fragments made for weird formatting. Some paragraphs of sentence fragments should have been more than one scene. Some should have been several scenes.

I gave this one a rating of "Fair". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

i like you attempt at brevity...short succinct sentences...nice imagery and use of minor sluglines...my only criticism would be to try and limit giving directions between every line of dialog...it slows the read to a crawl...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Maybe this is not quite the right format for this script. This perhaps should be something longer.

I think the writing is OK and I am always one that appreciates short, succinct phrasing. But somehow this didn’t work for me as a screenplay and that’s because, I think, it simply has to be longer.

Some of the action lines, though done in short phrases, seem jammed together to save length. But there is too much happening in each paragraph. This might work in a novel or short story but I don’t think it works in a screenplay.

There is a story, and it seems like it has a lot of potential.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This is a really good idea that needs to be worked on just a bit. It reads more like a book with a bit too much description and not enough showing. Amble... maybe show him ambling with a limp or something... that is just one small example.
good luck

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A very weird story with a big-impact ending. Well written. The only note I had was the following: “JANITOR, mid-30’s, slops mop around floor of stall.” Consider deleting the words FLOOR OF because it is redundant. We all know that floors are mopped!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A perfect title for this screenplay. Lots of conflict and action. Funny how you introduce a character and then immediately kill him off! (By the way, I did the same thing with one of my characters... sigh....) Tightly written and a job well done.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Don't understand the use of (beat) in the first dialogue. Get get rid of it. If you want him to pause, use eclipses (...) instead.

Don't have the same character speaking consecutively, even though one is V.O. and the other is not. And by the way, why would he suddenly speak to himself while mopping the floor? Don't need that dialogue as well.

I didn't get what the Janitor's intention is at the end. So he became alive because he saved a high school girl? Or is there some other causes that made him think like that. Please enlighten me.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This is about as transformed as one could get in one page. I wonder why you chose a janitor and the two kids at a school. I imagine this story could be told a million ways. You need someone who is not happy forced into a situation where two other people confront each other. This could be anywhere and really involve anyone. I am not commenting on the janitor version being good or bad, I just wonder how you decided upon this story to illustrate the transformation.

I like that you go from black and white to color. You say her face dissolves into vivid color. I am not 100% sure what that means. Do her features go away and just colors are on screen. Or does it mean her face is lit up with color.

I liked your dialogue and voice overs. It all worked nicely. I also liked the title, it got me interested from the start.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You said the argument was going on outside. You need to state that the Janitor steps out, or the door was open because you say he lunges toward them while he's still in the bathroom.

"In front of Girl" sounds primitive. If you just name her it would sound smoother. Pam would have only been 3 letters long so it would have saved you space too. :)

The dialogue needed a lot of work, but the last line made me smile. I enjoyed it. I'll give this a VG. :)

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

I have no clue what that's supposed to mean. He died over a petty squabble btwn som tweens...that's a tough pill to swallow. An interesting attempt but voice overs in a one a page script/movie would seem...intrusive and would detach from the piece me thinks.

Jordan Birch (Level 2)

Why does the Janitor require a voice over? Voice overs are hard to accomplish, especially in this format.

JANITOR, 30's, slops a mop around mens stall. And then introduce the Janitor with your line: Another day in paradise. I feel his sarcasm with this line.

Take out Teenage GIRL and BOY argue back and forth. This happens in dialogue, no need to state it.

I would have shortened the Girl speech to just: Get over it already!

I cut down the action between the Girl and Boy to: The Boy grabs her arm as she turns to leave. He has a gun.

Instead of the long drawn out: Janitor pauses, looks around, then lunges towards them. How about just: The Janitor reacts.

Take the part where the Janitor is shot and replace it with something easy like: BLAM! The Janitor tumbles backwards into the Girl.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm loving the sentiment. And the way it opened and closed on the same words.
I think that you can have these words as spoken. Otherwise VO is kind of too much, I think. Especially for a short short. It's packed with a story - he saved her and that made it all worth it.
A bit too melodramatic for me though - maybe it's just me.
Fade out is in the right hand corner and beats are obsolete - just an info.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I enjoyed this. a clear arc nicely bookended by the VO.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Like the premise. The frame of the Janitor's reference to his beating heart at the beginning and the end is terrific, and the accompanying voiceover works.
Might tighten in a few spots. Janitor doesn't need to say, "Got nothin' for this stone in my chest to beat for" since the one-liner preceding it is clear and good subtext. Also could omit "Another day in paradise" for the same reason. Can understand using "black and white" and his vision of the Girl being "vivid color," but might prove more distracting than allowing the story to speak for itself. Would like the argument between the Teenage Boy and Girl to be more substantial. Maybe he's in a jealous rage over her interaction with another teenage boy? Just an idea.
Extra points for fitting "FADE IN:" and "FADE OUT." onto this one-pager.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Not the most original title.

"slops mop around floor of stall" This sounds like a Chinese native trying to speak English. It's okay to use an article ("a" or "the") now and then.

A well used setup and payoff. Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

I like the premise, but I think the story would benefit from being several pages longer. One page, one minute isn't giving this story the room it needs to develop. We don't see any evidence that the janitor feels the way he does about himself. I like the visual of the mop, but it shouldn't be the best visual in your story.

The scene with the girl and boy needs more meat to it, too. It's short on depth or build up or something... It just doesn't feel complete to me...

I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors. The formatting seemed good. I just think this would be better as a longer story with more character development.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"(beat)" should be on its own line, formatted separately. If doing that puts you over one page, find some other way to edit it.

This was a good story, but I found a few things hard to believe about this situation. That a guy would pull a a gun is stretching it, but maybe it's a bad neighbourhood or something. But if it was a bad neighbourhood, why would the janitor jump in between them instead of tackling the boy to the ground which is a much safer way of dealing with the situation? I guess one way to explain it would be that the janitor wanted to commit suicide but wanted to die for a reason, which would explain his actions but not fit in with his dialogue so much.

The dialogue repeating at the end was a nice touch, although it had less weight because we had just heard it before.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I like the contrast between his first and last words. Pretty cool.

Seemed a bit rushed. The idea is solid but it would take more than one page to do it justice.

Fun read, though.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

I don't get it. I get your idea. But your message? It's better being dead than alive? The guy feels he's in a dead end job. He gets killed. And now he's alive? Oh, that's lovely. Life stinks. I'd rather be dead.

Anyway - it's not bad. The writing is pretty good. A lot of times using generic names doesn't get the reader emotionally involved. You might want to rethink that element. Overall though, not bad.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

If you were to omit the Fades, you'd have a couple more lines to work with to add a little more to the script overall. I like the story, but the one thing I disagree with, is the fact that you haven't named the Janitor. I can deal with the fact that he might not necessarily know either of the students names, especially if it's a large school, but I think there might be a little more power behind the girl's words if she at least addresses the Janitor by his actual name. Maybe she can just take the time to read the name printed on his uniform.

I'm also a little on the fence with the voice over. I like it at the end, but I'm not so sure that it really adds a lot at the beginning.

Good job otherwise.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Cool idea, bad execution. It's hard to make us feel for characters in such a short time and maybe the janitor is an easy likable character, he still needs to do more, or BE more than just a guy who jumps in front of the bullet.

I think the idea of a sudden savior is good, but you need to work out the characters a bit more. The gun-drawing is a bit too drastic and it all feels a bit too convenient. The title isn't that strong either. Still, the material and outcome is good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like your theme and the cyclical structure of the opening and closing voice-over, but in one-page, it felt a little rushed and on-the-nose, including the transition from black and white the color.

I appreciate you tightening up the narrative as much as possible, but the purposeful omission of the article "the" created a bit of an awkward read.

Maybe give the Janitor a proper name so we don't get the sense you're telling us all janitors feel this way.

Your screenwriting overall is good. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Liked it fairly well. Well written, visual, flowed well. Complete story with likable and realistic characters. Could have been a little more dramatic if the Janitor was about to commit suicide or something like that.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I liked the simplicity of this. We have a man who is really down on himself and feels useless. Then he saves the girl's life. There's not a lot going on, but I like the fact that the guy died doing something worthwhile. Or maybe he's not dead, but just wounded? I would like to believe that he is going to be okay.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was a good snapshot of the end of the Janitor's life but I feel like it needs more backstory. I didn't really feel anything for him and felt no connection to the girl that he protected.

With an extension this could work, but it doesn't feel complete as is.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was a good story, but I had to read it twice to make sure I got it. I think the B&W and color direction was unnecessary, and I really didn't get why the Janitor was so quick to sacrifice himself.

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

I liked the condensed noir format. I think that perhaps the girls line could be changed just a bit to imply more drama in their relationship that would perhaps engage the janitor a bit more, but that's a minor thing. I liked the message of the story, especially when considering the short format of your piece.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

You've got a good concept here. I am not very sure that a boy/girl dispute is the best way to put it scene, though. Personally -- so, just my opinion -- I think that a robbery at a corner store, for example would have worked better.

I like that you use slugs. It is nice to find writers that show interest in providing reading flow and story.

I don't like the POV all that much. You could accomplish better just by writng"the janitors sees... "

Good luck

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This one felt a bit heavy handed to me, but I guess the story concept is okay. Few formatting issues, such as your use of (beat) and having Fade Out justified on the left instead of the right.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I like this a lot.

There are some things needing to be mentioned:

1. Calling them BOY and GIRL is a mistake. Give them names so we can relate to them and care about them. This is important.

2. Mentioning that it's "Black and White" is kinda weird. Cut it.

3. The "OUTSIDE" thing should be an actual slug. They changed location... so do it correctly.

4. Having the Janitor VO followed immediately by actual dialogue is weird and (I think) totally wrong. If you move the "Angry shouts are heard." line between the two dialogue tracts, then that problem is solved.

Having said that, this is very good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I thought this script moved way too fast. You read about the Janitor's problems and then two seconds later it's resolved and it's over. The dialogue felt a little stiff and unrealistic, but I think you did a good job in having a good story structure. It started off with a problem, then a struggle and then the problem was resolved. I just think this would work a lot better if it was longer.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

There are moments that the descriptive writing is a bit overly staccato, but that's all I don't like about this. You managed to bookend a one pager, and that isn't easy. I love the slight word changes in the beginning and end. Great job!

Comments Made After the Contest

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:30 AM

Those are great scores for your first entry, Lori! Wonderful. I hope you have many more stories to share. Keep it up.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 1:44 AM

Ignore Dan, he's just a jerk. I gave you an excellent, sure it had convenient moments, but it's one damn page. I cared, although in hindsight, I'm not sure a viewing audience would.

David D. DeBord (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 10:15 PM

Thanks for your comments on my script. I thought you did a great job of summarizing all that I was trying to do. Some people, like you, got it and some didn’t.

As I said in my review of your script, I think it needs to be in a slightly longer format. Your script could work well as a five pager for instance. I liked your succinct phrasing in the action lines. It’s a good scriptwriting technique.

Good people here at MoviePoet. I’ve learned a lot and hope it works well for you.

Look forward to reading your next entry.

Lori Othouse (Level 2) ~ 8/25/2010 4:11 PM

Sorry, I meant to respond much sooner, but I've been away for a while. Just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback and comments. I'm new here and it's so great to have this much feedback!

I think those that said it should be longer were right. I rewrote this from a short story I'd written and it was tough getting it down to one page. Looking back, it's just too much to cram in there, but I wanted to try.

I really appreciate the encouragement,constructive criticism & suggestions. Looking forward to doing more here!!