Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I enjoyed the world you created.

I am very surprised on how much you fit on one page. I feel satisfied with the one page, but wish there was more because I enjoy the idea.

Andrew L. Blair (Level 2)

This script was an interesting concept that I would love to see fleshed out. I was a bit confused at first by your descriptions of the scene, and whether or not the male character was real or a projection. I was also confused by the ending, with there being a second pod with the same name. Is there a triplet? I thought a better ending would have been the main character looking at the countdown ominously.

I did like the moment when the main character touched the pod, and I assumed that was how the pod copied her and created the doppleganger. I was left wondering how the pods arrived at the space station, and maybe some quick dialogue between the main character and her superior regarding the pods arrival would have been appropriate.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Not being particularly fond of science fiction, but open-minded nonetheless, I found this to be an okay read. A little difficult to follow, which caused my mind to continually wander as I was trying to get through it. Certainly not a bad one-pager, but not my cup of tea. Maybe tighten up your dialogue a bit so it flows more naturally. Again, the story may have gotten away from me as I'm not overly familiar with space-terms. That, of course, is my issue :)
As for the writing, you clearly understand format and structure so keep up the good effort and congratulations on completing a one-pager! I know what a daunting task it can be.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I really wanted to like this, and it's written in a nice clean style, but I'll be honest, I don't get it. I'm trying to think of a guess and I'm struggling. I think some experiment created the doppelganger, now the doppelganger is going rogue? I'm sorry.

I've read this now several times and it doesn't make any more sense, but it feels like part of something bigger. As part of something bigger this would be awesome. On its own? This is GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted pretty well, but I think you could have used another page or two in order to clarify the story.

Here's what I got.... Basically, Tera touches a pod, it creates a doppleganger who throws her in the pod and assumes her existence.

I don't know... I feel like there's probably a much more complex layer to this story that would make this make better sense to me, as it is now it kind of left me scratching my head as to what the point was.

Nice effort, but I think this one needs an extra page or two to be effective.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sorry but I didn't understand this. The shimmering pod (repeated so many times)...Chronos One...named at the beginning and at the end? Tera and her twin? The twin a doppelganger or a twin?

I think this could work as a longer piece where you had time to develop characters, motives, plot...but as a one-pager it was too cramped and complex,

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This is confusing - I feel like you're speaking a different language because there is so much story here and so little time to explain what is going on.

Think you should redo this one as a five pager.

Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

A time paradox sci-fi in one page. I'm surprised to have read a couple sci-fis this month. I was going to try one, but decided against it. The problem with short sci-fi is that you have to sell the universe we are seeing fast before the story is over. In this case the audience will be just coming to grips with what they are seeing by the time the short is over.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I am definitely intrigued by this story, but I think this is really tough to pull off (in a satisfying way) in one page.

I found this more than a little confusing and I had to read it twice to really follow it all.

I think if you expand this just a bit, it could be great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I'm sorry, I wasn't able to make much sense out of this. I didn't know who was where when. From what I did get this doesn't look like it was anywhere close to "an entire story". It's seems more like the beginning of a story. Although there was some implied backstory and there's stuff happening, which is a step in right direction.

I didn't spot any glaring spelling or grammar errors. And formatting was fine. This: "It's name: CHRONOS ONE" isn't going to work in a script unless you say the ship has CHRONOS ONE painted on it or you use "SUPER: CHRONOS ONE" on a separate line. That tells the people making the film that their has to be a title when the ship is introduced.

I gave this a rating of "Fair". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

it's really a shame that you didn't get 5 pages (at least) to give this one some life...the problem with science fiction (especially space/future stories) is that the really need a page or two to back-fill any new conflict and technologies...but what was there was pretty interesting...good luck on the vote...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Nice attempt at a one-page sci-fi.

I think the story is OK, though I found it a bit convoluted for my tastes. A lot of mysterious oohs and aahs but I’m not always sure they went beyond the mysterious for mysterious sake.

I’d like another edit of this too. For instance, in the second paragraph, “TARA enters and approaches the shimmering pod” could easily be “ … approaches the shimmering pod.” Drop the “enters and” as it adds nothing and “approaches” implies she has entered.

Little, unnecessary (in my opinion) words and phrases simply slow down the read. I know it’s just a word or two here and there, but it’s those little extra words that I think distract from the presentation of your story.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I loved the images this gave me but found it kind of confusing in some aspects. The COMM OUT threw me. What does that mean?

Otherwise, I really liked the futuristic feel of this.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I commend you on the big vision of this script. I hate to say, however, that I just didn't follow it. I'm just feeling confused by what happened.

It may just be me. I'm not the smartest guy in town. But that's where I'm at.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The word HANGAR is in the first slug line. It does not need to be repeated in the description. Also, the ending punctuation is missing after: Its name: CHRONOS ONE.

Be careful to not overuse ellipses because it can be very distracting to the reader.

Streamline your writing where possible: “Tera reaches out to touch the shimmering pod… the pod dematerializes.” Consider instead: “Tera touches the shimmering pod and it dematerializes.”

I graded this entry as a VERY GOOD. I always like stories about paradoxes.

Ferdinand Casido (Level 2)

Interesting story. Maybe a little too weird for me to comprehend. I like how you utilize the time motif through your story. I'm a little baffled on why Spinard seems to be concerned with Tera's welfare if this scene keeps repeating. Wouldn't he know the outcome?

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I'm genuinely sorry, it could just be me reading this early in the morning, but I am completely confused and found this very difficult to read. I've reread this screenplay three times and still have great difficulty in understand what it going on or the meaning behind the actions and dialogue.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I think there is a greater scheme embedded in the story here, but it's unfortunate that it couldn't come out to full potential in a one pager.

This reminds me of the movie Moon where Sam Rockwell is cloned and the clone can only live three years before the next clone replaces the previous one.

So this script uses a similar template, but left me with tons of unanswered questions such as the paradox that Tera's Twin was talking about. I also didn't understand why the Twin needs to replace Tera. Was Tera sick or just about to be expired?

I enjoyed it, but left a bit to be desired.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

What is the comm? It kept turning on and off but wasn't sure what it was. Would it be more interesting to have the commander actually in the room?

I wondered about the 2nd Tera's bored attitude. If she was nervous 16 hours prior to launch, how does she have such a detached attitude what I believe is the version of herself after the launch? Why wouldn't she be torn up and greatly impacted by having to kill herself?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I'm already feeling the title.

I have no idea what just happened. Where was Spinnard? And the vanishing and glowing green... Too confusing. You only have a page. Try and make it as clear as possible. I'll try and get back to this by the end of the month to see if I can make any sense of it.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I enjoyed your story but it seemed to me like it was part of a bigger adventure (a common criticism for this month's contest). A few random thoughts:

-- When you write "The comm lights up.", I would clarify exactly what the comm is (i.e. it's a television screen showing the commander). I had to pause for a second to realize what exactly you were on about. Pauses like that take me out of the story.

-- Similarly with "Robo security devices" -- perhaps a little descriptions (Mini-tanks? Flying robots? )

-- I liked the clone taking over part at the end. It was a good idea.

-- A quick suggestion for a rewrite: You could start with Commander Spinrad standing next to the pod instead of Tera. Spinrad yells to his second-in-command over the comm: "We must destroy the source of these evil pods! Prepare the battleships!"
Then he gets his replaced by an alien.
Then "The clone" calls his second-in-command and says: "Uh. I've changed my mind. The aliens are nice people, let's not destroy them!"
...there you go, one self-contained story!

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

wayy too much for one page. This has no place on mp! maybe in the feature competition but this is a massive story that needs to be written over 200 some pages! You should do that because it may just be AWESOME! but for this entry it was poor, im afraid.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The scene and the setting all sound and appear very interesting, but I did not get what’s going on. The doppelganger twin seems to have inserted itself in Tera’s place, yet no one noticed or is alarmed by this. I feel that the subtext and subtlety of the scene is too much for me to glean any information from. Perhaps it’s just me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Identical pods, identical Tera's and that's what bothers them.
This is too smart for me unfortunately. I'm sure others will not have any trouble understanding it. I just can't, I read it twice.
I know that 'identical' bugs them but why...and who they are... And what paradox they are trying to resolve...

Sci-fi is not my cup of tea but this is my problem. I believe this one is a good short, just not for me. I'm scoring it Good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting and visual idea. The shimmering and "greenish glow" of the pod would look cool. Bit confused by the term "comm." "The comm lights up" and "Comm out." Not sure what it's referencing. Short for communication maybe... Also confused about the significance of the pod dematerializing when Tera touches it, just to have it rematerialize when Tera withdraws or leaves. The pod vanishes later on, but doesn't seem vital to know about the dematerializing to accept that. Spinrad addresses Tera as "Captain," so her initial introduction should include it.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I could be wrong, but this page feels very thick with writing, as though the margins are just a tad widened at the top or bottom. As I say, I could be wrong.

Some of the descriptions were hard to follow, a little vague. A note that the comms have video capabilities would have saved a lot of confusion up front, for example.

A story about time travel, if I'm not too mistaken. It doesn't seem to bring anything new to the paradox theme, but then again, I was a little confused during the read.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this.

In mythology, Chronos personifies Time. He created Chaos and Aither. I'm not seeing how that works with your story. Using the name should have some meaning, but I'm not getting it.

I do understand that the SPACE STATION is not THE space station currently orbiting the Earth, but only after reading the whole thing. You might want to name it something that differentiates it from the real thing.

When you say "All eyes locked on mysterious pod," whose eyes are you talking about? There's only one person there. There's Spinrad on the computer screen, but he doesn't seem to see what the doppelganger does. I don't know what "robo-security devices" are. Can they see? If they're there to protect Tera, why don't they?..

The formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good. You did misspell "hangar" in Spinrad's dialogue. Easy fix.

One more thing I'd like to comment on - You don't need to keep repeating descriptives, especially in a one-pager. Once you say the pod is glowing, it's glowing. And you never need to say the pod is "mysterious."

I think you might have an idea here that will work, but not as a one-pager. If you do a longer rewrite, let me know.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There's a lot of story here, and we don't see all of it. I like that. I also enjoyed the idea of parallel universes.

"Look, you knew the risks when you signed on. Get some rest. That's an order."
There are at least two cliches in this line of dialogue.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I have the feeling that this is somehow related to that paradox about being impossible to travel back in time and shoot yourself, since this will prevent the past "you" to become the future "you" that travelled back in time.

It's an intersting subject, but I'm not very sure what's exactly happening here. It went a bit over my head.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Good writing. Well executed. Good visual descriptions. Great subject. Interesting and entertaining. Has conflict and tension. End is strong. Has everything that you need in a story. Great job. Well done.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Ambitious but I'm confused.

Too much to try and take in - I'm not sure that I understand what a space pod is.

'All eyes locked on the pod' - whose eyes? Is Tera not alone?

where is the comm?

what are the dangers?

I'm afraid this one has gone way over my head.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I love these types of stories, and I like what you are trying to say, I just think you dont really convey it well. Perhaps that's because of the pagelimit, but I also think it's because of your clarity in words, or better said, the absence of clarity.

I believe you try to tell a story where one shoots herself, so that the timeline remains the same. However, how would she know the mission objective is to resolve the paradox when she doesn't get told beforehand and just put in the machine. Wouldn't her waking up be as confusing as when she got put into the machine?

I tried to tell a similar story with '-273', a contained timetravel story. Maybe you are interested in reading that.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

These are difficult stories to pull off in feature and regular short length scripts, so it's almost impossible to do effectively in one page. I scored this a Good, but I really don't know if I understand it all fully.

Your screenwriting is bulky, maybe that's done here specifically to keep this to a page, I don't know.

Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Visual writing -- but I read it twice and still don't know really what happened. I don't know if Captain Spinrad (great name, by the way) didn't realize what happened, or if he knew that this had to work out this way and he was accepting of it. Also, this story hasn't really concluded, this is just one incident in an ongoing story.

Roberto Gonzalez (Level 3)

Interesting sci fi story. Doppelganger is a good name (I had to look it up, though). I liked Tera's obssession with solving the paradox, and her guts to simply kill her twin after she came out of the pod. At the same time, Spinrad immediate acceptance of the new Tera was great, he decided not to get into any trouble and continued activities as normal.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Pretty epic story for a one page script. I thought the story was quite good and you managed to tell a good story in one page. It should be easy to shoot this with a low budget, because of the one location and only a few characters. The special effects might be costly though.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I like how this looks in my head but I don't really understand enough of the story. I get that Tera's been cloned or something like that, but I don't get why. It feels like this is the opening of a longer piece, where things are explained slowly.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I have read it several times, and I have to say that I still don't understand it.

The most sense I can make is that Spinard has not seen what the doppleganger has killed Tera, but everything seems to indicate the opposite.

I really don't know what the pods glowing or not, disappearing or not, mean.

I don't know what is that paradox Tera talks about.

Summing up, my opinion is that this script needs to be more clear.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Didn't really understand this one. Sci-fi is not really my thing and I wasn't too sure what the whole point of this story was or even what was happening with the pod and the twin. Didn't really work for me I'm afraid.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There is a depth to this that leads me to believe it is part of a larger story. That's a good thing.

You really saved this one, though, with your last couple of lines... because it really wouldn't be a complete story without them. It ties the beginning to the end in a really cool way.

One change I would suggest. Make the beginning lines and the last lines identical. That would pull the whole doppelganger thing together even more nicely.

You get a Very Good from me.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Is it ever nighttime in a space spation?

I re-read this three times and just don't get. Great writing and all, but I'm totally confused. You got me interested, though, and I can't wait to hear an explanation.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I think you may have several reviewers scratching their heads on this one - including me. The story, especially since it's a one pager and that isn't enough time to figure it out, makes me feel I need to be a member of Mensa to understand it. There is no questioning how clever this is, and I like the premise. Your writing style is brief and understandable. This is the weird part, I think I understand everything I just read and at the same time none of it. I would love to read this as a longer piece so I can get to know the characters and the situation.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 2:54 PM

Thanks everyone! I admit this entry was ambitious, too ambitious for a one-pager apparently. I'm not surprised so many reviewers got confused. I also knew I didn't stand a chance when I started reading the other entries ;-)

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 2:55 PM

PS @Travis - is it ever nighttime in a space station? duh... how would you have handled it? They still have clocks don't they?