Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your title doesn't fit in with the story. I can't find any motivation for Gary to rest.

In your opening scene, is it a clock alarm that wakes Gary? When you say "alarm", I immediately think car or burglar alarm.

"Walk alarm". Again, be careful with the word "alarm". Use "Crossing signal switches to 'Walk'".

Your story is well paced with a very good visual, the ticker. My only problem is the ending. I was expecting someone else to see Gary's Ticker that said "0940hrs/patrol call/leo hit and run/fatality.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm sorry to say but this went past me. It might be partly due to the confusing formatting of the "Tickers" - whatever those are. But all the slashes had me confused, not to mention the time (I don't think in a 24 clock, so this slowed up the read). But the major downfall was I missed the point. Were these tickers he saw warnings of some sort? And what does the title have to do with this?

Like I said, I'm totally confused, so I apologize if other people get this and I don't, but there isn't much more to say.

This is POOR for me. I don't understand the story. The formatting appears to have issues, and there are even some typos. Sorry.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. I thought the concept was very intriguing. Unfortunately, the ending didn't make sense to me.

Basically, Gary sees everyone's time and cause of death, then he almost gets run over and starts laughing. I just didn't get it. Everything up to that point had me thuroughly engaged and then I got to the end and was just like "Huh?"

A solid effort that just needs the ending to be better clarified.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A Rest? Couldn't get that title from the content.

Why is Gary Italian? Did it have any relevance?

It was a clever idea. I'm assuming the laugh was because he couldn't predict his own death?

I think this is one of those that might work better with development. I didn't feel I knew Gary or why he'd been blessed with these powers so it rather spoiled it for me.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

A bit confusing - does he tell the future or the past? Guess it's the future, thus the ironic ending.

I did really enjoy the end, but think the story needs more development. Would make a great five pager.

Best of luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- One page goes fast.
- You describe him as Italian? Is that telling us something about him? Are we supposed to think of a stereotypical Italian.

Damn man you are really beating the hell out of this dead horse. I've seen this all over the place. And the discussion on some director stealing the idea for a music video. Now if this isn't you then you'll be hearing how you stole someones idea.

This really wasn't a story to me, but more of a glimpse.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this a lot.

It was a bit confusing at first, I had to read it twice, but I'm glad I did. It's actually kind of amazing you were able to do this in one page. This is a great story of a man who can see the future of others, but not his own. I especially like the ending and the use of the tickers.

I fear this will confuse too many, but it is a great idea - either as a one page short or even if you choose to expand it.

Very well done.

Colin Searle (Level 2)

Liked the idea, I can imagine it with some nice jazzy music over the top, maybe a bit of muted trumpet, and a bouncy rhythm. The ending was amusing, and I liked the fact that Gary could see the irony in his predicament.
Although Gary seemed to know instinctively that the business man was the perpetrator of the crime, rather than the victim, I am not sure it would be clear to the viewer (except by Gary's reaction).

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I don't think this is really "an entire story". In fact one page is almost too long. A cop who somehow can see information about the future deaths or injuries to other people is unexpectedly run down. Not bad as a set-up and ironic twist, but they seems to be common with a lot of these one pagers.

No glaring spelling or grammar errors. Formatting was mostly okay. I try to avoid things like "GARY'S POV:" because it takes me out of the story. There's other ways of doing the same thing. But that mostly a personal opinion and I'm not taking points off for it.

I gave this a rating of "Good". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

high marks for an imaginative approach...not sure if one page was enough to fully develop your premise, though...some things to consider...first avoid things that tend to read redundantly...like "chokes" and "laboured"...one or the other is fine...try to keep things in the active (as opposed to passive voice)...subject - verb - action....the boy bumps gary...not gary is bumped by the boy...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Love the concept here! I was surprised that he got ran over as I thought he was a good guy and I got a little confused. Nothing new there I do get confused! ;-) That the writing was very good and again, loved the concept!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I want to like this one SO BAD. I love the concept...but I was having a hard time deciphering how the tickers were connected to the people. Were they the victims of the crime? Were they the perpetrators?

And then, when the cop got mowed down, did that have some connection to the initial HIT AND RUN ticker over the boy?

All in all, it landed just short for me...although the crowd walking towards him with a ton of tickers over their heads is absolutely one of my favorite visual snapshots in the contest so far.

Nice job.

P.S. One last thought: I don't get the title...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story has a unique premise but one page wasn’t enough to do it justice.

One suggestion I have is to use more vivid verbs. Example: “A metal cup is picked up… Why not something like: A metal cup is snatched … or A metal cup is grabbed…

Also, beware of using the words BEGINS, STARTS, etc. Example: “Gary begins to walk across the street. Consider instead: ‘Gary walks across the street…

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

This screenplay left me confused. I didn't understand what I was seeing or what was being described. I read this several times and still didn't understand the point of the ending. "A rest" seems to be a play on the word "arrest" but I'm not sure how this fits in with the script. The lead taking a "rest". Not sure what any of this means.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

Wonderful story, I liked the concepts of the tickers over the people, and the irony of the ending - him not being able to see his fate. I liked how visual it could be on the screen, with only two lines of dialogue.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

What is "INT. CITY STREET"?

This is very ambitious. You're trying to convey a man who has the ability to know the crimes people commit in the future. But then you didn't bring it further. We are introduced to this man and his special talent, and then the end. It's hard to feel what Gary was feeling at the time.

At the end, I think it's more effective if the driver who hit Gary was a person who Gary suspected beforehand. That way it comes full circle. Right now, I didn't get why Gary chokes out a laboured and shallowed laugh.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I read it the first time through and didn't understand what happened. I will go through a second time.

What is the meaning of the title? Is he tired from seeing tickers?

I think the first sentence is talking about an alarm clock going off. But I am not sure. The way it is written made me think of some other kind of alarm so it was a little confusing.

How would we know he is Italian, is it necessary anyway? I don't think that has any bearing on the story.

It reads like the badge and gun are picking up the cup. Why is it metal?

I think the script could just start with him already on the street. I don't think waking up and grabbing his cup have anything to do with the story. You could show he is a cop and just start on the street.

Do the tickers show what happened to the person or what they did? At first I thought it was about what happened to them. But then the way he reacted to the man was as if the man was the one who was the murderer. Is there a way to clarify this?

Are the tickers about the future or past? I am assuming future becuase the kid is only 12 to be driving a car in a hit and run.

There is another sentence about an alarm going off. This confused me the first time through as I thought it had something to do with the alarm from the first sentence. I think you just mean the walk sign turned green.

The most basic question is why he sees tickers. But, I also don't understand why he gets hit by a car, why it would make him laugh, what it has to do with the fact that he sees tickers on everyone, etc. I think this is a cool idea to see tickers but it didn't go anywhere and I do not understand much of the script. This has potential and I think if you could cut down in some places, maybe that would give you room to clarify the tickers and the meaning of the ending. or maybe the 5 page format will work better. I think this is a cool idea and you should definitely pursue further.

John Padgett (Level 2)

The author of this story created a fairly decent story, but some wording issues in a few parts of the story. The author created a very believable main character and they acted accordingly which really draws in the reader.

Overall: A good script / screenplay, but improvements could be made... Good but not flawless.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I think it's a great idea you have but I'm not 100% sure what is happening. Is Gary somehow predicting the future/ what could be? If so, I would suggest a minor re-write:

-- Lose the opening section. All it tells us is that Gary has an apartment and is a cop. You could show Gary is a cop by starting the story with him walking down the street in uniform on patrol.

-- If the tickers do predict the future, after the first one with the Kid, quickly CUT TO the future, showing the kid lying mangled in the road with crushed tibia. CUT BACK to the present and Gary reacting (Perhaps in horror? Perhaps indifferent?)

-- I think the ultimate irony would be as Gary dies, he sees his own ticker. Or perhaps another Cop runs up to him and sees a ticker.

Katie Adair (Level 1)

Ew! It was not well written, I didn't understand what was going on most of the time but when I did...well, let's just say that I wish I hadn't known whta was going on. Sorry, A Rest's writer, but this play is NOT my type. Hopefully, you'll write one in a different genre...

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'd use periods in supers.
By Italian you mean dark haired maybe - I'm not good at stereotyping (Asian or Native American I'd understand right away though).
The images of a ticker appearing is very good. Made me think that Gary is somewhat of a robot. At first I thought he's a policeman - he's got a badge. Then a ticker - a slight visionary discrepancy for me.
I don't understand what happens there. I try to decrepit the supers but they do nothing for me. I think it's more that could fit on just a page. could be a powerful five pager and easy to understand perhaps. But as it's now - a bit confusing for me.

Crowd approaches with tickers - this I did not understand because I see ticker as a telegraphed message, supers in your case, maybe I don't understand the word right. My fault I guess.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting and different story idea. Could visualize those "tickers."
Confused by the ending. Not sure if Gary is supposed to be real or some type of ethereal police officer. He speaks to the Boy (real), but the car that hits him "sending Gary flying" doesn't kill or injure him (ethereal). There's no ticker for Gary, either, just "a laboured and shallow laugh?" Wondered why Gary's cup is "metal" and why he's Italian.
Obviously a lot of thought and good writing here, but am missing something...

Kyle C. J. Wiseman (Level 1)

I liked the concept. The ticker idea under Superimpose works decently well, though the grammar didn't feel right.

I didn't like the point of view that you used. You should concentrate on just telling your story, but at least you didn't litter it with camera directions.

To me, this feels like it would make a good short, obviously of about one minute in length.

Keep writing!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Gary" is not an Italian name. Is he really Italian? Or Italian-American? I'm not sure how to interpret this. Why not name him Mario or Alfredo or Pasta Marinara?

"sound of an alarm" Took me a while to figure out that this was an alarm clock. I thought it was a burglar alarm. Again, make it crystal clear on the first read, so the reader doesn't have to go backwards to figure out information.

This reminds me of that film where people have tickers by their heads telling how many minutes they have left to live. I'm not sure how long Gary has had this ability, because he treats it with casual unconcern. He's just so passive.

I think a better title is needed.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title. It fits the ending of the story very well.

I wasn't sure what was going on with the tickers. I was thinking Robocop or Predator for a few lines, and then I just wasn't sure. Is it meant to indicate that he sees people as cases? Is he seeing their future? I don't get the intent. He's burnt out, though. Right?

The spelling is good. I didn't notice any punctuation errors. The formatting is fairly good. You do have an INT. CITY STREET - DAY location, though. Easy fix.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I remember a script with a similar premise to this, but I liked how you executed this idea (pun unintended) without any explanation because none was needed.

The ending was good too.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I'm sorry to say I couldn't quite get what was happening here (the meaning of the readings, for example).

Maxim Stollenwerk (Level 2)

The ending doesn't really add up to me. I get the feeling it's supposed to be ironic, but it really isn't. The crash has nothing to do with his ability to see "tickers". Maybe if he saw himself in a mirror before the crash it could've worked in a better way, not sure about that though.

The first two scenes also seem abundant and would it be better for the pace if it starts on the street.

I do like the concept and think that with some work it could turn into something in a longer script, has a Minority Report feel to it

Mike Ashlock (Level 1)

This was a great read. Having such a short space to tell a whole story. This story is top notch. I liked the irony that he was a cop and got hit by a police car. I also like that he could read other people's death, but couldn't forecast his own. This was well written and well done. You have my vote for number 1 so far.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

"GARY, a 45 year old Italian, ..." , Why are you telling us he's Italian? It has no importance to the story, and offers no interesting tidbit about him, his personality, or his history. Your slugline - INT. CITY STREET - DAY should be EXT. (unless it's a domed city). The rest just goes nowhere. I don't get the point of the tickers. There's no beginning middle or end, it just is. No story, no conflict, no tension, no resolution.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

An interesting idea but, ike so many of this months entries, it seems like a scene from a bigger story.

Where you have placed the Boy's dialogue makes it seem like the boy is seeing the 'markers' too.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I think the concept is that he can see newsheadlines, or people's deaths? I don't know, it's all a little bit vague. How you presented it, with the tickers, almost makes it SCi-Fi instead of paranormal.

I have little understanding what happened, the tickers give a sci-fi vibe and I think the whole point is that he sees people's deaths and then he laughs because he couldn't see his own.

But yeah, this needs loads of work and certainly more clarity, not plotwise, but just the details to give off a better feeling. Maybe we can talk in the comments after this contest, because it's not a bad idea, but your execution is severely halting the concept from being great.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm sorry, I've read this a few times and don't really know what it's about. If it turns out I am the only reviewer who couldn't figure this out, I apologize.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Had a little trouble following it -- it was hard to tell if the tickers predicted the future, or told the past. The last sentence saved it -- irony helped. One pet peeve... "Gary begins to walk across the street..." Let me know when he actually *does* walk, step, move or stride into the street. I guess I notice that "beginning to" because I used to do it a lot.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I admit I'm a little confused by this. Maybe it's over my head, I don't know. But I didn't get it at all.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I don't see how being an Italian is relevant - also, how would we know that he's Italian?

I didn't get this completely. Is Gary able to see when and how all these people die? He then dies himself and couldn't predict that, hence the laughter? There doesn't seem to be enough of a story in the 1-page. It maybe needs an extension but the idea sounds quite promising if expanded.

Susan Lower (Level 2)

The idea and concept of this peice is good.

However, the "Ticker" is a little confusing as is to when the boy bumps into Gary. Is he walking or reading a paper? If he's reading a paper is he walking or standing by a newpaper stand? See what I mean? "Tickers" over heads, good concept, but I think it needs to be explored and defined a little better.

Like a count down to death maybe?

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

The idea of having the main character see future police reports of the people around him provided a sense of inevitable danger to the story. That said, I think there are a few parts that are not as clear as they could have been. For one, his encounter with the boy and the dropping of the bag, was that more symbolic? Also, the police report with the man involved with the hit and run who was left with the crushed tibia, that was the main character, right? Also, the opening I felt could have had a bit more done to it (or perhaps taken out). Maybe start the script with him approaching the crosswalk, badge hanging casually in sight, and then the supers come in. All in all, good work.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The concept of this story is great. The story itself, IMO, not so much. The format could be a tad better.

I like the concept very much because it opens so many oportunities to interesting stories. Once I've made sense of your first POV, I was drawn in.

Then, the end kind of stinks it for me.

You never explained why Gary saw the tickers, and you got rid of him a la deus ex machina -- too much of a let down, in my opinion.

As for the note on format, why POV? Not only POVs don't go in specs, but you also write "Gary looks to his right", which is the implicit version of the explicit camera direction POV (well done in that instance, by the way).

Why not:
"Gary sees the boy collects his things as letters appear by his head, like an airport ticker, displaying-"
instead of:
"GARY’S POV: The boy collects his things as letters appear by his head, like an airport ticker, displaying-"

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Not sure I really got this one. Is Gary having some kind of premonition about when and how these people will die? It wasn't totally clear but that's what I took it to be. No context though as to who he is or why he sees these things. Writing was a bit awkward in places. INT. City Street should be EXT. as it is an outside shot. Don't know how the title exactly fits into this either. Nice effort anyway.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This started out seeming like a version of so many scripts I've read where the main character sees when someone is going to die... but the ending completely redeemed it.

Well done!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

"...Gary sips from his mug, shooting
the man a cold and knowing stare." this part confuses me - does it mean that Gary is letting a future murderer escape? I think this creative piece would work better if somehow all of the tickers that Gary reads tie in together in an unexpected way. This ticker concept has been done before, including here on MoviePoet so the originality lacks, but the premise is still attractive and your writing style flows nicely.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting and original.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jonah Yarden (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2010 10:15 AM

ok i'll be quick!

1) yes there was a movie poets entry with a running timer where a "ticker" was used. When I read that short I liked it as I had also used a similar device myself. So don't be so protective of devices...there aren't many!

2) with a 1 page short how much "development" can really be actioned that is not implied without using a montage? I think there were many implications in this short that would make it extremely visually rich so it demands that visual eye to bring it to life. There was a beginning, middle and end..as well as an end that seems final but provided intrigue. So...iono.

3) "A Rest" is a play on words. When we first see Gary he is awake even as his alarm clock sounds indicating that he is being plagued by his position as a policeman, seeing everyone as a victim or a perpetrator. I tried to again illustrate this pressure with everyone crossing the street having their own ticker. In the same respect "A Rest" is also arrest- he can't arrest people before they've committed a crime in the same way he can't save everyone, this being a seasoned policeman's burden.

Not much more I can really say about this. It required it's reader to take the minor details to piece together a "feel" e.g. I said he was Italian to allude to, yes, a stereotypical policeman with a stereotypical cinematic pathos...maybe a mistake.

Again, sorry for the passive verbs.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!

Jonah

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2010 4:36 AM

I really liked the concept Jonah, and your explanation reveals a lot. I do feel you aimed a little too high with all that hidden/implied stuff for a one page script.

Still, great effort.