Comments Made During the Contest

Arthur Gregg LaShelle (Level 1)

The audience will have to be furnished with a program covering all range of emotions as described in the 'action' portions of the script as the dialog does not. Unexplained and implied prior actions between characters abound. The best of the script was the finish for two reasons. #1- It tied some loose ends together, #2- It was the end of the movie.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

You don't need to say "Get lost" in your action line. It's implied by Antonio's stare.

I like your action lines when Leena greets Antonio. Very descriptive and visual.

I guessed that she was wired but I didn't predict the ending. Good job!

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is GOOD. I cut to the surveillance van was distracting and unnecessary. I'd rather see that last moment with the two of them. I want to see his reaction to her note and the goodbye.

I was anticipating her drawing a gun on him or something, so your twist worked well for me.

Like a lot of these this month, this doesn't feel complete on its own. I feel like it would work better as a part of something bigger.

I enjoyed your writing style.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well.

I don't believe police use wires that have blinking lights on them though. That could put a lot of their informants in danger.

I think you need a new title. This one kind of steals the thunder from your twist ending.

Aside from the above mentioned issues though, I thought this was a pretty solid script. Nice work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

'He stares daggers at Mikey. Get lost' - the second sentence is superfluous.

But this is excellent - a real good story well told.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Though well written, this seems more like a part of a scene from a much longer film rather than a self-contained piece. Too many questions left unanswered, and what a cad that Antonio is - he couldn't even take her note with him?

Good writing, looking for a more complete story.

Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Nice story. I like the bleak, but loving end. I didn't notice any problems. I'm giving you a VG.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Simply awesome.

Fantastic story for a one page short. You manage to capture a tense and poignant moment between two criminals and it totally works. Your craft is excellent.

Lastly, I love the way the title echoes the last line - very powerful.

Definitely one of my favorites so far.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Enjoyed the story I got a good idea about what had happened. Not sure about the relevance of Mikey and would have worked just as well without him. Possibly more characterisation brought out so good and bad could be defined more. I did enjoy it.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

There's backstory here, but this scene still seems more like a scene from a longer story and not "an entire story", but maybe not. I'll give it the benefit of a doubt. It's visually written, clear and easy to read. It introduces you to two people you can care for, even though one is a gangster.

No blatant spelling, grammar or format errors. Well done.

I gave this one a rating of "Very Good". Thank you.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

A criminal love story. I liked it. The setup was effortless and everything in the story built to a believeable and touching payoff. I thought some of the action lines could have been a little more powerful in how each moment was described, but that's just a quibble. If a story works, it works. And ILYG definitely works. A director would have a lot of fun working with this material. Nice job.

David Birch (Level 5)

another missed opportunity...too much in description...would have been very compelling with the use of dialog...then have her flip her lapel at the end showing the wire...much more interesting that writing out a note...a nice back and forth would have been great to see what their motivations would be...why are they meeting now...is she going away to prison...is he going on the lamb...why is she working with the feds...how did they get separated...why did he wave of the frisking of her...all this would have been great dialog and would have had real tension...line after line of "puppeteering" is dull, especially when the story has so much to offer...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

The title grabs me, I like it. The story is different than what I guessed from the title, but that’s OK too.

I like the story, I think it works well. Inclusion of the Mikey character and his actions, summarize the back story quickly and quite well. We learn a lot with this simple beginning.

I’d really like the action lines to say “… drinks in every feature.” rather than “… drinking in every feature.” and “They shake.” rather than “They are shaking.” I think these are little things that distract me from your story telling. I’d also drop the “ly” adverbs as they don’t add anything to the descriptions that isn’t already implied in the action. Those words seem to lessen the impact of your dramatic descriptions, they modify the intensity inherent in your verbs.

A few tweaks in format would improve this story for me, but importantly, you have a story. Very good work.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like the story, I could feel the emotion. I also like the title, a lot! The one thing I would say is careful not to be redundant in your sentances. Also, instead of ING, like Sparkling, it should be Sparkles.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great story with a nice surprise ending. There are places, however, where the writer could say the same things with less words. Remember, less is usually more.

Example #1: “ANTONIO 30s, well-dressed, a man of power. He stares daggers at Mikey.” Consider instead: “ANTONIO 30s, a well-dressed man of power, stares daggers at Mikey.”

Example #2: “He goes to her and holds her tightly.” Consider instead: “He holds her tightly.”

Instead of writing “He whispers to her.” And then writing the dialogue. Write “whispers” as a parenthetical.

Example:
ANTONIO
(whispers)
Oh Leen….

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I enjoyed everything about this screenplay. A great set up with strong characters as well as a minimal amount of dialogue to push the story forward. The title I LOVE YOU. GOODBYE sounds a bit awkward to my ear but otherwise, I really wouldn't change a thing. Well written and entertaining.

Henrik Nordin (Level 1)

I think the last scene brought the story together in a good manner. However up til' that point the story was a bit hard to get into and felt a bit forced (probably because of the challenge). But a BIG thumb up for the ending and I would definitely be interested in reading a full feature script.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This could be tightened up in some places, especially the very beginning with Mikey. I don't think you need him anyway.

Some of the sentences can be reworded.

- "Finally, almost reluctantly, she sits." -- too many ...ly endings.
- "Agony. His heart breaks." -- write in actions that signify his broken heart.

Didn't understand why the FBI was angry with Leena. She was helping the FBI, no?

Overall, this is alright. I can definitely feel the dilemma Leena was facing.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

You have lot packed in here, I think you would have broken up the descriptions some more if you weren't forced to one page.

I like the writing. The backstory is hinted at but in then end it doesn't matter. It's about this one moment and so a good fit for a one page format. However, I don't understand why she had to write things down if she knew she was going away anyway. Why couldnt' she just tell him to be quiet and tell him what was happening?

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Ooh, I do like it :) For some reason it seems very film noir without any overly notable cliches of the genre.

This'll be a short review because all in all I can find only one criticism. I was never certain of the role of the character of Mikey, if he is an associate of Antonio (as it seems) then I'd have preffered you make it more obvious by having them enter clearly together, their relationship was just never stated clearly.

Other this small confusion on my part, you did a wonderful job :) Well Done.

Oh, and I do think your title is excellent too.

Kelley Donnelly (Level 2)

Wow! Really good job, I almost got teary-eyed at the end! You pulled off the very difficult job of telling a story in one page...and you did it well. I was connected to the characters and the story from the very beginning. I really hope you consider expanding this story, it would make an amazing script! Good Luck!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

"when a throat is cleared loudly in front of him" - doesn't read as smooth I think.

It's very well written I think, but I don't understand what happened in there. It's a bit complicated and I think in the situation like that you better let us in their heads. And you didn't because you have no space for it. Maybe it's not a onepage story? For me it doesn't fit for a page - it's good enough for five.
So what happens here - she wanted to let him out but she didn't? They wired her so that when he talks to her...but she didn't let him talk? If that's it - I like it very much. I imagine it would work very well as a short novel, you could let us know of her thoughts... Maybe a VO for what she really wants to say (is it 'don't say a thing, they are listening')?
It's between VG and G for me. I wish I could know for sure if I'm correct about the way I understand it.

I'm not sure about the title - I know it's the words she wrote on the napkin but still... Too melodramatic for me (the title I mean)

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing angle on the gangster theme. Antonio's reference to the incident "down in Miami" instills enough curiosity without necessitating a full blown explanation or flashback.
Did think that Mikey's role could be cut a bit. Might accomplish the same purpose to have him approach Leena, attempt to frisk her, and have Antonio stop him. Mikey doesn't really need to utter a word. Also could probably omit Antonio's comment for Leena to sit.
The scene and dialogue with the two FBI Agents is terrific. Instead of switching to Leena alone, though, perhaps follow the Agents as they race toward the restaurant. Insert some gunshots and maybe Mikey fleeing. The Agents could stop dead in their tracks at the entrance, crouching, with their guns drawn. Leave the reader/audience guessing as to what the Agents see. Did Antonio leave, stay, or kill Leena for being a traitor? The ending could be a still shot of that sentimental note. Just a thought...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I don't care for the punctuation in the title. In my opinion, punctuation only belongs in titles if it's really different or for an effect that can't otherwise be achieved, such as "Frost/Nixon".

I don't think wires have blinking lights. That would make them way too conspicuous. I'm glad you went for a visual, but I think that needs to be rewritten.

The story was interesting, even though I have a hard time believing it. Leena condemns herself to prison just to see him one last time? I know love and I know love, but that's really out there.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is good! I love the way the title leads the reader to a different possible ending. It enhances the twist at the end. Nicely done.

This is so well-written. The characters are strongly written and the dialogue is just enough.

I don't see any spelling or punctation errors. The formatting is good. The spacing is tight...

Very good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

What a powerful storyline in one simple page. The title is wonderful placed in the end of the story. I can't find a single thing here that I'd change. You have a great talent for storytelling. Keep up the great job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This feels like a scene from something bigger. For me, it doesn't really stand alone. You put us in a situation where something has already happened, but we only see her saying goodbye. It has no impact because we have no clue what they've gone through.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Great story. I like how you have boiled it down to the most essential parts, and left us to work out the rest.

Although this is a familiar situation from movies and real life, testing someone's loyalties like this is still powerful drama.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Nice! You packed a lot into this page. The dramatic situation started out quite familiar, but then you put a nice spin to it. Cool ending.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

First 5 of the contest. Very, very, very nice. Loved it. Great. What else can I say - I don't think a 'wire' would have a blinking red light, but who cares. Great job.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I like that this could've been over before it even started by the opportunity for Leena to get frisked for weapons or a wire. I feel for the Leena character, because you can really tell that she wants nothing more than to ensure the best for those that she cares for. She seems like a strong character that would benefit from a longer story.

Makes me want to see what happened in Miami.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice story, really nice. I don't really like the build-up of all the characters (Perhaps a bit much and cliché) but still really nice. And I dont like the title either. Besides that, I think your description-lines are a bit on the long side. Over explaining movements.

BUT! It's all very good. It comes together, there's an obvious arc and ending, plus an implied history. I think this will do well in the contest.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I liked this one and the ending is cool, but it might be too big of a story for one page. Try fleshing this out some and see where it goes.

Your screenwriting is very bulky, but I understand you only had a page to work with here. I wouldn't suggest normally writing a screenplay with four to five paragraphs per page consisting of three to four lines. It appears you're using too many words to convey this information.

Format appears in order overall. Didn't detect any typos.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Ambitious. I think it could have been stronger if you eliminate Mikey and start with Leena at the table with Antonio. The intercut with the FBI agents happened too quickly and I think it needed to be prefaced with one more cutaway as they thought they were about to get something off the wire. Still, this was an engaging read. You have a voice in your writing.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Flowed well, good description, believable emotion, interesting characters and a strong ending. Maybe a little "on the nose" with the words on the note, but that's niggling. Liked it. Good mood, good theme. Not much more to say.

Roberto Gonzalez (Level 3)

Good script. Except that I wonder why she didn't get rid of the note before the FBI guys came, it would have been the logical thing to do to avoid being charged for obstructing justice or something like that (I guess, I'm not a lawyer). I didn't find any relation between the Antonio's line about Miami and the rest of the story; I understand that might be irrelevant, but probably it was a good opportunity to build background or character.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Excellent. The story is really strong. The way you write so quick and clean, with no extra words, is really a joy to read.

The story is awesome. I loved it, and it's really hard to pull off a short one pager, that leaves a reader thinking about the story once it's read. I'll remember this one.

I gave it an excellent. Well done!

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I really like this one. Sure it could be developed further but still works as a one page script.

Writing was crisp and expressive. Very good descriptions and the dialogue sounded natural.

Would like to know more backstory for this one - that is my only complaint.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is a good story. Still, there are a few things in it for which I don't care that much. I'd say that all of them have to do with they way to tell the story rather than showing it -which is the reason for a screenplay to be.

Point in case: "ANTONIO ... stares daggers at Mikey. Get lost. Mikey slinks away with a nod." Why not "ANTONIO ... glares at Mikey, who slinks away with a nod"? I mean, why not besides that you may not like it, that is. But what I really am asking is why the unnecessary overwording, why "get lost" instead of showing Antonio a) saying it or b) doing something that the reader understand as "get lost" -same for "pure joy", "agony", "a blinking red light", "his heart breaks"... not only they don't belong in a script, but they are unfilmables as well.

The funny thing is that you actually know how to do it. When Leena and Antonio meet, she is nervous, which is crucial because it gives a number of different ways to read their relationship. How does the reader that Leena is nervous? You don't say "she'd nervous". You show her hands shaking. Well done! That's all you need! That's what the reader wants to read. All you need to do is finding a way for your characters to communicate the rest of their emotions. The readers do not want you to tell them; they want to discover by themselves. In my opinion, that's what would get this story from a good to an excellent.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this was pretty decent, part of a larger story obviously but we get the gist of the main story here. Maybe a tad overwritten in places considering the space constraints, but overall I thought it was a very good effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Except for the Title page using a different font... this is Excellent. A complete story, well conceived and well written.

Well done!!!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This is a strong piece of work. The pacing is great. The tone is consistent. Storywise it doesn't scream original, it seems more like a sequence from a larger story, but the writing is strong so it has me wanting to read more from you, to see if you have something more compelling. Very good.

Will Pepper (Level 2)

You cannot tell someone is a man of power from the way he is dressed. Saying someone is well dressed is enough. The descriptions are close in this script to accurate, though reaching. No to the "get lost" part or, if you must, a Get Lost Stare. Too much of this story is telling and not showing. Always remember action speaks and you cannot read the character's mind. If you want to do that, put it in novel form. The title is almost there but not quite.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:30 AM

Congrats Erich! Well done!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:42 AM

Congrats, Erich. Your logline made me laugh, I gotta admit. Very concise. :)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2010 1:02 AM

I love the way you write and this is definitely one of my favorite scripts of yours. It was awesome. Congratulations on winning third place!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2010 1:22 AM

I really really loved this. Very well done!! Congrats.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 1:53 AM

Congratulations, Erich! You rocked it.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2010 2:43 AM

This was a frickin great one pager, man. Well done and congrats!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 5:21 AM

Congratulations Erich, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I do love a bit of romance.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2010 6:25 AM

This got one of my Excellents - lovely!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 1:26 PM

Didn't suspect this was yours. Is there a way to take my "Very Good" back? Congrats on the third place. :)

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 8/2/2010 1:58 AM

Ya'll know how I feel about my Thirds. Carve another notch in my laptop!
Thanks everybody...

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2010 11:30 AM

This is another one that grew on me the more times I read it. I gave it "Very Good". Maybe if I'd read it one more time it would have been "Excellent". Congratulations.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2010 1:10 AM

Congratulations on your Third Place finish.
And, thanks for your kind comments. With your track record, it means a lot.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2010 1:47 AM

My gosh...I just noticed you selected my "Octopus" as a favorite? You made my day. Thanks again, Erich.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 8/3/2010 4:14 PM

I calls 'em like I sees 'em, KP!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 8/4/2010 6:25 AM

Really strong piece. Of all the stories this month, it feels like this one had the most implied depth. Adored it.