Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I really wish that I would have read War and Peace, because this finely written script would have made more sense.

Although I didn't fully understand it, I could understand the intended satire and I absolutely loved the last line.

Adam Nottingham (Level 1)

I can definitely see what type of dialog delivery you're trying to create. However I'm not sure it read in a way that made it as humorous as you wanted it. I definitely like the idea behind it all. Turning a lengthy dramatic novel into a one page screenplay is damn near impossible however with a little more consideration of the humor; I think you can pull it off.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I like this. I would love to see all sorts of classical works done in a minute. It seems like a fun little skit to have in between something or other.
Now I'm gonna have to be honest here and admit I haven't gotten around to reading War an Peace so I'm just taking your word that that's what happens.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I've never read "War and Peace" so I have to assume that your story is accurate.

Needless to say, it was rushed. That's not a bad thing, but it loses the impact of the original theme.

"Bunny Films in 30 seconds" works because they put a comedic spin on it. I suggest you try the same.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Perhaps if I was familiar with the novel I would find the humor. This feels like a skit I would see done at a local improv troupe. It's expository and sweeping. I don't get into any of the characters.

The problem is you seam set on telling a story (considered a masterpiece by many) that took the length of a novel to tell, in a one page script. You may have pulled it off flawlessly, but my critique of your script isn't about who can pull off a shorter summary, you or Cliff's Notes. I don't find the humor here. Instead of your summary, perhaps finding a story within the overall novel, one that you could have told in one page, a microcosm of the novel's theme, would have served you best. I imagine that task to be much more difficult than a summary of a story already written.

There weren't any formatting errors or typos that I recall, so that's positive. This gets a POOR from me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. No errors that I noticed, but I think this script is going to miss the mark with anyone that hasn't already read War and Peace (like me.) I didn't really find it funny, gripping, suspensful, romantic or anything else. It literally read like a 1 minute summary of a book I haven't read so while it was written well enough, the story really didn't do anything for me at all.

That being said, if I HAD read War and Peace, it's entirely possible I'd be telling you this is the most creative, brilliant script I've ever seen. I have no point of reference here so I can only base my grade on the script itself and not what it's adapted from.

Nice effort. I'm giving you a good.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is clearly aiming for comedy, but I personally didn’t find it funny. Of course, comedy is very subjective, so maybe someone will find it hilarious.

I really like parody as a sub-genre, but as I haven’t read War and Peace, the references to it are lost on me. Perhaps it’s very funny if you’ve read the novel, but ideally a parody should appeal both to those who are familiar with the source material and those who aren’t. The Star Trek spoof Galaxy Quest is a great example of this.

The idea of compressing an epic-length novel into one minute is a good one, as it has the potential for hilariously ridiculous oversimplification (though this aspect probably works better for those who are already familiar with the details) and for a very fast pace, which generally lends itself to comedy. Concentrating on the specific comedic beats, and making each one as funny as possible, might be the best way to make this work.

The idea of Napoleon saying nonsensical things in French is funny on paper, but the execution of it could be improved. (Perhaps if he were to say something really random. Maybe a Monty Python reference, although that would rely on people being familiar with Monty Python.)

A lot of the dialogue is deliberately on-the-nose exposition, which has the potential to be funny. (I don’t think it works in this case, though perhaps it does if you’ve read War and Peace.) The dialogue might be funnier if it were more absurd. The webseries Previously on Point Dume…, which can be found on Funnyordie.com, is a great example of this technique.

Well done for making the effort.

It’s not exactly War and Peace, though. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist. :) )

Keep writing.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title amused me - though I think it would be more subtle just to say 'War and Peace'!

The whole thing amused me, in fact. It was very silly, and I like very silly.

You would have gained extra brownie points if you'd fitted in FADE IN and FADE OUT as well as the whole of War and Peace!

I'm not sure how this would translate effectively to screen but thank you for the laughs.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Love the title, laughed out loud.

Actually surprisingly good, almost got the whole thing in a nutshell.

A for effort - and a fun script.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I guess if I ever read that pile of words I might find this funny, but instead I found it a waste of 3 minutes. I hope you had fun with it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I've never read "War and Peace", so while I get the overall joke here, it doesn't actually mean that much to me, nor did it make me really laugh.

I think the cleverest thing here is really the title, which is funny. But the short just ends up feeling a bit skit like.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Not "an entire story" and in my opinion not even a very funny comedy skit. Sorry, not much more to say -- it didn't really follow the rules of the contest.

No blatant spelling, formatting or grammar errors.

I gave this a rating of "Poor". Thank you.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

It all worked for me up to the point where Pierre trips on the bearskin rug. The ending degenerated into pure campy silliness but not in a good way (for me anyway). The first part was an intelligent, albeit glib, parody of the classic. I like this one a lot but can't give it an "Excellent" because the ending seems to be a slapped together throwaway, and the first part of the script deserves better than that. I'm going with "Very Good" here. Nice work. I could envision somebody wanting to produce this.

David Birch (Level 5)

well this one certainly gets high marks for originality...i liked the way you weaved all the history into one page...lacked nuance, but overall a good read...thanks

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I really don't know what to make of this, comedy, serious but not hitting the mark? Besides that, things like "dressed to the nines" don't show me anything for what you are trying to show here. Maybe they move stiffly because of all the elaborate brocade.

Again, I am rating good, in the middle because I am just not sure how to make this one out.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Hilarious.
Just be sure that there's a big sign on the front of the old man that says LEO TOLSTOY.

Not much more to say. Funny.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

There is only one slug line for this story, yet, the palace is burned and they leave. So where does the next scene happen?

Also when Napoleon speaks in French, I have no idea what is said.

Ferdinand Casido (Level 2)

Is this a satire? The dialog was on the nose. I think you could have started the scene with the palace burning. Have Pierre trying to evacuate. There is no need to even mention the ball since the palace already represents the aristocrats.
Then you need to add a new scene change showing their simple life.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Wow! What a clever and ambitious and FUN script. Perhaps Sir Anthony Hopkins can reprise his role as Pierre. It's obvious the talented writer had a great deal of fun in writing this screenplay and the talent to back up his inspiration. Congratulations.
And thank you for a wonderful romp.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I haven't read War and Peace, but I can tell that you are spoofing the novel.

This was happening all too fast, to the point I didn't get what they were trying to do. None of the characters seem real to me, they lack motivations.

The most confusing part is right after the palace is burnt, Natasha and Pierre suddenly appeared 8 years older. I thought they were still in the drawing room, so where were they entering from? And didn't they die because of the fire?

And now the dialogue, they are very on-the-nose and expositional. Don't let Natasha explaining why she and Pierre need to go to the ball. Don't let Pierre explaining how much he loves Natasha and what they are going to do afterward.

The ending, you broke the fourth wall, which is definitely a risk as it took me out of the entire story...or the lack of it. I just can't take this seriously.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Readers of your script could be put into two categories - those that have read War and Peace and those that have not. I have not read it.

Not having read the book, the one pager doesn't mean anything to me. I do not know if this is funny based on the book, etc. So, the one pager doesn't really stand on it's own. The only thing I know about the book is that it is long, so I guess it is ironic that you sum it up in a one pager.

I am assuming someone who read the book will have a different experience.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I'm sure for everyone who read the book, this would be a laugh riot... but for the others like me... confusoing. I mean I know the story, but I didn't see the point in condensing it to a one pager. It wasn't my cup of tea. And the blocks of dialogue and action needed to be trimmed.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Funny little scene. Well crafted and executed. However, this appears in my mind's eye as a small little play and not a short little film. Good job overall.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's not my kind of funny but I understand many will find it hilarious.
I think the dialog could be funnier though. Pierre and Natasha could say something unexpected to each other. Also, all Russians (counts, countesses) could speak good French - Natasha could even say something to Napoleon in French.
Appearance of Leo Tosltoy could have more of a punch - why would he say "historical momentum", in fact a "hysterical momentum" would fit better here.
But original and interesting. I just wanted more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific title for this funny story. A real attention-getter.
Might tighten the dialogue so the lines are sharper. Natasha's lines, "You're coming to the ball with my family, Pierre..." would probably be stronger as a demand. Maybe, "Pierre, you'll come to the ball with me and my family because we're aristocrats and that's what we do!" Pierre's weak response could be, "No, Natasha. Napoleon won the battles of A and B and now he's coming to burn Moscow. We have to run away!" A minor tweak of Pierre's last dialogue would make it more emphatic: "Oh, Natasha. We love each other. Let's settle down in the countryside, etc, etc." Natasha's "kids" line is perfect. Just suggestions...
Funny ending to this tongue-in-cheek adaptation.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Okay. For the people who've never read War and Peace, this is going to go over like a lead balloon. At the very least, I appreciate the effort to do something wacky.

I liked it a lot, except for two spots near the end. First, I didn't like Pierre saying "we've realized". Why not keep the action moving, by saying, "Oh, Natasha, I love you!" As trite as that is, at least it's still active, as opposed to simply narrating what happened off-stage (this does feel like a play, after all). Second, I didn't like Tolstoy in there. His line sounds like something out of an English literature class, and doesn't fit well with the zippy story you've got.

Love Napoleon's line in French. Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Funny! You'd have to use a fast montage for the two lines that separate the beginning and end, but it could be done.

You don't have scene headings for your middle or final locations. I realize you don't have room for them unless you edit down to make room on the page, but they are important.

Spelling and punctuation are good.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I haven't read War and Peace, so this will be completely lost on me. However I have seen many YouTube videos that reenact movies in one minute in one shot and read "abridged scripts" of movies, so I get what you're going for.

To me, this wasn't really that funny, and there isn't anything else to it. Sorry.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Well it does feel rushed and the dialogue is quite on the nose, but something tells me that this was intentional, right? The piece reads like a parody.

I'm not familiar with the original material (sue me) so I couldn't quite get the jokes. That's why I don't feel qualified to comment any further. Good luck.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

The payoff was the weakest link. Otherwise I thought it was great. An entertaining and humorous idea. Well executed. Good writing style. Very nicely done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Erm, yeah, I guess I expected a bit more from this. Specially an adaptation. I think it doesn't work because it's too self-aware. Self-aware comedy rarely works.

I also don't see why you choose this piece or what you want to say with it, aside from the small joke.

The whole thing is a bit lost on me I suppose.
Writing is still good, content not so much.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Some of you guys are nuts on here.

What can I say? You achieve your intended goal with this farcical comedy. I smiled upon reading the title and throughout the read, and forgot about all my problems for a few minutes.

Keep on keeping on.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

The cuteness wore off by the middle. When you had 'the French burn the palace then leave.' That's hardly a screenplay description. The last portion I thought was going to be clever but I felt cheated by the Tolstoy cameo. Read too much like a sophomoric skit.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

I'm not bright enough to get the gag -- sorry. Characters didn't feel "real" -- just there for the gag. I know there's not a lot you can do with one page, but I want to see a little emotion -- drama -- something. Writing was crisp and visual, but nothing to draw me in.

Robert Trocchia (Level 1)

Fun script, a little bit dry, but interesting none the less. good job telling such a big story in only one page, impressed by the story you've put together. Quite cool how you actually developed some historical stuff into just one page and you were still able to end with a kick. Quite a funny one, well, funny enough haha

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very clever. I liked the story. It feels epic in one page.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Well I haven't read War and Peace so I'm probably not best to judge this script. All I can do is judge it as a stand-alone piece, as I'm sure there are plenty of inside jokes and such that I've missed.

The dialogue worked well for a kind of satirical script, which is what I'm guessing this is. Writing was good and concise. I'm afraid I can't really comment on the story, as without reading the original work I don't really get it.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Wins my vote for best title & it was probably a lot of fun to write. But this over the top treatment is loaded with OTN dialog and I expected something ... else. The ending was totally forced -- too clever & self-indulgent.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The concept of this story is great. It may very well be the best in the contest. But I have to admit that I think that the ending does not work.

I have not read War and Peace. I have seen a good TV series adaptation. Since that was over twenty years ago, I can not recall if Tolstoy himself appears in the piece. I doubt it does, though. And I think that his appearing in this take on the work is the only reason why I don't give an excellent to the script.

Regarding format, I have the suggestion to change the line "NATASHA, now 21, and PIERRE, 28, enter in simple clothes" by the slug "Eight Years Later". Not only it is correct, I also think that it would do for a cleaner reintroduction of the characters.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Not too sure what to make of this one, perhaps people who have read War and Peace might find this more amusing but I don't think most have. Original idea but didn't do anything for me.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Man, I really didn't get this. The dialogue is very on the nose, there's a cut in the middle where the character's age but there's no scene header for it. The punchy line at the end doesn't work at all.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Dunno what to really say here. I've never read War and Peace and know nothing about it, except that it's a really long book. So your whole story falls incredibly flat for me, any humor or entertainment is utterly lost. So it doesn't really feel fair for me to be reviewing this script, I mean it has good and writing and all but ultimately a non-existant storyline for me.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I'd have to say this doesn't WOW me. It has a very stageplay feel including the dialogue. I suppose if I read War & Peace I would have a better appreciation for this. Historical momentum is a cerebral punchline that I think most will miss.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:34 AM

William, this was the most ambitious entry by far. You might have a future writing visual Cliff Notes. :)

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:36 AM

Additionally: Apparently we need to have a MoviePoet Tolstoy reading session one of these days.

William Dunbar (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 6:32 PM

Thanks for the comments, Kyle. This was a fun entry to write. It's an eye-opener how many people really didn't get it, not even knowing whether it was supposed to be a comedy (it was!). I thought it would work better even with people who haven't read War and Peace. Oh well, sometimes you try something and it doesn't work like you hoped. Thanks to (almost) everyone for thoughtful reviews, good and bad!