Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I don't get the feeling of a full story, it seem like just an excerpt of a much longer script (probably a feature). It just feels like Penny's story is so horrible and complicated that this is just glossing over it. Even at the beginning,she says she has been molested three times, her uncle was the first...and then it kinda just leaves us hanging, like there was a story about the other 2 that she was gonna tell and then forgot. I'm thinking it's implied that at least one of the other times was there at the school, but I still feel like she left us mid-sentence.
Now, don't get me wrong, Penny seems like a really interesting character and what I have seen of her so far is very well written but it needs to be fleshed out more.

BTW, is she the woman that picked them up going to turn out to be evil and hurt the or is Penny going to kill her? It could go either way.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

In your opening scene, should the slugline contain the name of the school? I don't know, I'm genuinely asking. There's no visual of the name of the school, so the viewer won't know the location.

The story and pace is strong, but nothing about Penny or Lila stands out. Maybe it's the use of voice overs that distracts me, but I just can't empathize with Penny.

A flashback or two might serve better than a voice over. You don't need to horrify the audience with the actual molestation, but a brief reaction shot of Penny's face in pain and anguish could do. A follow up flashback of the death of her uncle would also suffice.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

The characters are captivating. The conditions in this home for girls is vile and dark. Penny mentions being molested 3 times, the first being her uncle who she killed, which is why she's in there. Based on that strain of thought, I can only conclude that she's been molested in this home.

I really enjoyed Penny's attitude. Yeah she's bitter and raw, but there is still some belief in god. She's pragmatic in wanting to tell Jesus what her life has been like. I sense that she believes he knows, but questions if he really KNOWS.

The escape was odd though. She dug the hole with her bare hands? That would take at least hours, if not days. That was one hang-up. The other was her very direct VO in the beginning. It was like you needed the convenience of us knowing her full backstory in minimal space. I can't help but wonder if there' another way to get this info across. In the least, she can be less direct about being molested. That just felt odd. But outside that this is VERY GOOD!

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

This is a wonderful story. I loved reading this. The writer has exceptional ability. I congratulate the writer.
The faith in Christ, and the way the story moves forward is amazing. I am sure this story can be developed into a feature length story, or at least a one hour short screenplay, and it does have a potential of getting produced.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This is written and formatted properly. Some of the dialogue paragraphs are a little thick and could stand to be broken apart or trimmed down.

Lila is not properly introduced at any point in the script.

I felt like this was trying to be a little preachy. Also a little bit scattered. We're told she was molested 3 times but only informed of 1 of the times it happened. An assumption can be made that the guy with the dogs was the most recent offender, but what about the person in the middle? #2? Nothing is mentioned of them at all so why not just have her say she was molested twice? I didn't get any connection between the David & Goliath story and their escape. What did one have to do with the other?

Overall, this was okay, but could stand to be polished a bit.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

According! Shame to have a typo in your title. And why the different font?

Powerful opening.

I thought this was very good -nearly excellent, until the ending. The woman in the car bit added something unnecessary, in my eyes. I think it would have been a terrific ending to finish with the picture of Jesus jamming up the hole under the fence.

In some ways, Simone was a bit of a distraction too. Perhaps as a larger piece, you'd have more space to develop these scenes properly so the characters didn't feel bolted on.

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Wow.
What a great story. Jesus did help them escape!

This is deep. Love all the symbolism, Jesus, the Bible - great job. Starts off so sad and hopeless.

You will probably get some flak for all of the voice overs, but I think you used it to good effect. Maybe a couple could be cut or turned into actual dialogue (like when Penny says, "I never cry" - great line for this story, but probably more effective on screen if we see her actually say it).

Liked the ending, though I think I want a little more from the woman picking them up. Where is she bringing them? Is she concerned?

Still, this was great, I can see the movie in my head. Nice work.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

Great script. I thought the voice-over was used really effectively here.

This is a really tough story to do in five pages and I wish you kind of had a few more so we could learn more about Penny, but still I enjoyed this a lot.

Your craft is great and this was a very good dark tale of escape and freedom.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

"Penny" definitely resonated with me. I liked the way the story continued to turn and change and play with your expectation; I was never quite sure where it was going but in a good way. Excellent use of tension. Great use of the picture of Jesus, I thought the way you use the picture to help block their escape was brilliant.

And the ending completely hooked me. I loved the ending.

But I did have some quibbles. I think the story could be trimmed. And the girls home seemed to be out of a 1930's prison movie which was a little odd and took me out of the story for a bit. Simone's character was over wrought and needed toning down and Lila's character could have used some fleshing out. I gave "Penny" a very good.

David Birch (Level 5)

most everything was done at a high level...i liked the way you incorporated the picture into your story because it didn't feel "forced into the plot...if i had one slight suggestion would be to diminish the amount of direction between lines of dialog...it tends to make the read "stutter" a little...decent actors know what gestures to make while delivering lines...hope this helps...good luck in the vote!!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I felt like this SP needs to be longer. I would suggest that the writer rewrite it without thinking about page length. Many of the voice overs can be replaced with flashbacks. A strong story but more work is needed.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

You didn't introduce Lila when she first appears in the kitchen.

The voice overs, sometimes, are a bit long-winded and too expositional. I think some of them can be shortened, especially the ones on the first page.

This is quite emotional. I can feel the oppression felt by Penny, so I guess the V.O. works.

I liked the sequence of events. Well-structured. Good setup in the bedroom, progressive conflict in the kitchen and during the escape, and ending in the car.

Hope things will work out for Penny and Lila.

VERY GOOD.

Jayaram Sanaran (Level 2)

A very touching and sensitive plot ! good narrative style.. but, the portrait of Jesus can be substitued with a bible or a cross for that matter.. it need not have really been a picture...The lead character was neatly etched out !

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like the story very much, however I have mixed feelings about using that much vo. It could be dangerous thing to do.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

This story just didn't seem complete. I don't think you established that the place was that bad. Yes, there was a mean girl, but we didn't get to witness the staff being so ruthless until the dog man came out. Was he going to kill them? I mean sending dogs after children means death. I guess so...

The man character dialogue didn't seem that natural either. The way she stated she was raped in beginning was strange. And she said a few things I did not understand. "Statistics say if a kid is molested, it's usually someone they know. But
statistics can be flawed." But her Uncle molested her. I don't get why she would say that.

"Tomorrow its gonna be her turn. But after it's over I'll hold her and tell her it won't be so bad next time." - What was going to be her turn? To run away? To get beat up? I'm not sure about this...

The ending went over my head. I thought the lady was going to bring them back. I'm glad you didn't take that route though, but this ending wasn't all that better either. It didn't pop. I don't need a twist, but something satisfactory.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Penny's life was vaguely described and the voice over was a bit overdone. I feel as if I have seen and read this before many times, as it is such a popular theme. It would have stood out if there was some sort of originality. The ending was very ambiguous, but that's the part I liked the most. You can't trust someone just because they flaunt a rosary. Overall, a Good entry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The picture saved them - this is quite original.

It's my personal opinion- but this is way too dark for me. Dark, dark dark. Dramatic, but how it won't be- it's about the house where all these little girls are held... for the filthiest reasons of all...

I think at the beginning you could cut some of her lines. She could just say "I'm thirteen". Then her talk about statistics doesn't blend in, she could say something more related to the place and to her condition.. - just a suggestion.

To make it low production you could get rid of the rest of the girls, I think, and the scene in cafeteria. Some attic with her and Lila, perhaps? You could make this business international by the way and it would add to it - maybe it's just me.

Well done, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

What a sad story. It's well written and elicits strong sympathy for these young girls subjected to horrible circumstances in such a terrible place. Very glad when Penny and Lila got away.
Really would not want to read a first hand account of what Penny reveals in voiceover; but, not sure who she fears. The "Figure" sets dogs on the girls, but isn't defined enough to link him (her?) to the misconduct Penny describes. Penny mentions, "Tomorrow its (it's?) gonna be her turn," referencing Lila. But, there aren't any other men mentioned at Blightworth. Touchy subject matter.
Not sure that the kitchen scene introducing Simone and watching the girls gang up on each other is needed. Penny's story seems to provide enough drama.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'll be honest. When I saw page 1 and immediately noticed a whole page of voiceover, I groaned aloud. Wall-to-wall voiceover is a very difficult technique to pull off. I've only ever attempted it once. The dialogue must be absolutely crackling to succeed.

Penny's voiceover, though, is pretty on-the-nose. Nothing happens on page 1, yet we're learning all this stuff. More action, less voiceover.

Part of the issue might be the subject matter, too. There's something about molestations that really draws writers, probably the injustice and spiritual wreckage. But there are sooo many molestation scripts on this site, I just don't see how they bring anything new to the table anymore.

By the way, molestation victims (especially aged 13) rarely murder their molesters. Unfortunately.

The cult/concentration camp setting is well portrayed.

The ending is rather weak, in my opinion. The whole last scene is kind of unnecessary from a plot standpoint: they've already been rescued, and there's no need for a denouement which doesn't tell us anything new.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Overall very nice job. I really like your writing style - it's effective and quick, making the script an easy read over all. The story seemed complete and had a clear beginning, middle and end. Most of my notes are going to be nitpicky, but for the most part I thought it was very well done.

My only quip with the writing was that there seemed to be just a little too much voice over, especially in the beginning. I think it's effective and by no means do I want you to remove it all, but at times it seems to meander and verges on becoming too much of an expository story crutch. I think toning it back just a little will fix this.

Some of the logic of the story didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand what this house was - were these children adopted, or were they placed there by child services? Is it a halfway house? A foster home? It was so nightmarish that I had a hard time believing any service would place children into a fenced in home protected by guard dogs and wanted a little more explanation to the setup. My concern with this is that by not explaining it, it may give your script a more horror feel than the gritty realistic feel that I think you were shooting for.

The characters were good and felt like individuals. I do think there were some motivation problems for Penny - her standing up to Simone didn't play for me. She says she had a bad night, but we saw her the night before and it didn't look particularly bad (especially by the standards of her bad nights). Also, her motivation to leave on this night could be played up more - what is the straw that breaks the camels back? Or is it that she has an opportunity tonight and tonight only?

Finally, I liked your integration of religion, but I feel like the picture could have played a larger part in the story. Right now, Penny seems more attached to the bible than the picture - maybe you could swap the stories so that the picture is something her mother gave her instead, give it some more importance and make the fact that she parts with it that much larger of a moment.

Well done!

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

WOW! This story is quite powerful and it felt like the little girl talking was the right age. Sometimes as a writer we think we're writing for the right age and it's more like for our adult age. Great storytelling power in this script and VERY visual. I'd love to see this script made into a film. GREAT job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That was a great story. It went to some very unexpected places (that's a good thing).

Using a lot of voice-over is a brave choice. However, it can't function in the same way as first-person narration in prose, because we actually have to be watching something happen while Penny is delivering this voice-over, and it has to be interesting. I was afraid that the script would continue in this fashion, but I'm glad it didn't. I don't know how you'd rewrite it without all the voice-over at the beginning, perhaps with a prequel scene, but I think it works very well for the rest of the script.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Nice one. Pretty dark. Love dark.

For the most part, I liked the voice over, but during the set-up, I got the impression that it was carrying to much dramatic weight, so to speak.

You might wanna balance the first pages with more showing and less telling.

Still, really enjoyable read. High marks.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I was a bit worried when I first started to read this that you were going to take the Jesus thing to levels I didn't want to see in a screenplay. But you didn't. I thought when you started talking about the abuse then this was going to be yet another abuse story. But it wasn't.

So congratulations on completely surprising me with the directions you took. I really don't have any criticisms. That was excellent.

Narrative *****
Dialogue *****
Character *****
Story *****

5 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

This one was pretty good, although it's another one of those 'little-girl-gets-revenge-for-being-molested-(mostly by a family member but sometimes not)' stories. Enough already, with that topic. I thought the ending was anti-climactic. The writing and story are good. It's well executed. Dialog is well written. All in all a fine little screenplay.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

Actually pretty impressive. I'm kinda turned off by all the voice-overs though. REally think you could create a better athmosphere if she literally talked to Jesus, least that's what she says she does.

I think childmolestation is kinda an easy subject to gain sympathiy for your characters. It sort of works here, but I guess I've seen the setting too often, a Home for Girls that's more like hell/prison that it realistically could be.

I do like your tone and pace of writing, although you introduce many characters we don't meet again, perhaps tighten that up a bit. I don't really get what the Simone bit does in this story.

Other than that, Very Good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I liked this one, although a lot of it felt a little too similar to "The Shawshank Redemption," to feel entirely fresh.

I think Penny's voice-over works overall, but it might be a little too much in spots.

It felt so easy for Penny and Lila to escape, I wondered why they didn't do it sooner. But, I like how Penny uses the picture of Jesus to dig the escape hole.

Same goes for the Woman Driver picking them up. Penny and Lila are dirty and wet and I'm sure the Woman Driver knows that Blightworth is located nearby.

I would use a smaller font on the title-page and center it.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall is in order. There are a few minor typos throughout.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good story and very well told. It's missing one thing, though -- a satisfying ending.

A girl in some kind of juvenile detention home is abused. She escapes. The End.

To me, that doesn't seem like a complete story. There's not much tension (a little bit when the guy with the dogs comes) and nothing is really resolved. There's no antagonist. There's just not much of a story arc. It needs more.

It's also kinda talky. Very significant portions of the story are just told to us via Penny's voice over. I'd suggest a little less of that, then use some of the freed up space to develop Penny's story a bit. Put a little zip into it. And a killer ending. Maybe a twist, or maybe some revenge. Something to make it a little more compelling.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was very well written and the voice over was well handled.

My one complaint is that Penny and Lila get out a bit too easily. A little more of a struggle or another obstacle in their way might help.

Overall though this was very good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This had a lot of potential and an interesting protagonist... but for me this story didn't start until page 3 and the ending did little to inspire hope. The slow start got me bogged down (blue eyes? this is irrelevant & unnecessary detail). The heavy-handed VO explanation did not draw me in, especially since Penny's running commentary was not the voice of a 13 yr old (they don't quote statistics so glibly) so I half expected to see her as an adult in the end. Ditch the first two pages in favor of more character relationships between Penny & her sister, Simone, etc. Amp up the drama on the escape, the faceless FIGURE/VOICE didn't scare me, neither did the threat of the dogs. As written I wasn't feeling it.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It's easy to see that you have put a lot of effort and spent some time working on your backstory.

I have a doubt, though, regarding that. Penny says that she's been molested three times. She killed the agressor, and that is why she's in the Blightworth Home for Girls, or that is what I understood. My question is what happened the other two times she got molested? If her uncle was the first and she went to the Home for it, what's the story of the other two times?

The good news is that that is pretty much the only unanswered question in your story.

Your structure, format, and story are pretty good; but, in my opinion, you realy too much on internal dialogue.

The way I honestly see it, there's no easier way to tell a story than through voice overs. But that is the point: You just tell a story, the same way as if you open a book at bedtime. But this is supossed to be a movie, not tucking time.

I think that if you are going to use so much VO's, the effective way would be to use it in conjuntion with some interesting visuals that can or cannot be related to what it is being said, so that you are actually telling and showing two different things st once.

That didn't happen here.

You showed me an interesting story: Penny's escape. You told me an awesome story: Penny's life.

I just wish you showed me what you told me, and you told me what you showed me.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

This was excellently written. The story was clear and easy to follow, no real mistakes that I noticed. When Penny talks about how statistically kids are likely to be molested by someone they know, why does she say statistics can be flawed? As she was molested by her uncle it backs up those statistics, so I didn't understand that.

Overall one of the best entries this month, I'm giving it an excellent.

Travis DeStein (Level 4)

I thought you could've explained the reasoning why she suddenly decides to escape at that specific moment. The dialogue was a little cheesy, especially Simone's. I didn't really see the major point in the picture, it was literally just something the main chracter had to carry around. It didn't have much of a meaning, when something like a crucifix would've served a much simpler and more realistic purpose. The story was very clear and easy to read and I liked the last line.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Typo: "Tomorrow 'its' gonna be her turn."

I could sense the darkness and desperation through your writing style. I like how you have Jesus helping block the bad guys/dogs from getting to them. Although I feel satisfied that the girls have escaped, I think I would have been more satisfied had you not included the hanging cross at the end, because it makes me think that there is a possiblilty that these girls are heading down the same road of misguided religious torture. Just because the woman picks them up in the car doesn't mean she's their saviour; she may just be the next stop of an abusive life, such as the ironic abuse from her mother handing her a picture of Jesus and then telling her she's going to hell. It would make a fitting ending to have the character who saved them not be religious, although I don't know how you would portray that. If it was your intention to leave the ending subjective to create dialogue such as this, then you've succeeded in writing a compelling story. Again the writing is strong and I like the title as well. Thanks.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2010 12:10 AM

Sally, I really loved this. Scored it Excellent. Great work!

Chris Messineo (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2010 12:29 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. Great script.

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:17 AM

Thank you Charlie and Chris. I appreciate it.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 11:34 AM

Congrats on the honorable mention. Loved this one, Sally!

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 11:38 AM

Thanks Matias, coming from you, that is really high praise!

Brian Howell (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 11:44 AM

This was so close to being an excellent from me. The hole digging was a little far fetched and some of her VO was a little too convenient. Very moving story. One of my favorites!

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 11:49 AM

Thanks Brian.
I am going to be doing some changes to the story. Thanks for the note on the hole. I think I'll make it where Penny has been planning her escape for a long time and the hole is almost big enough to crawl through. I may turn it into a feature.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 11:53 AM

This was the first script I read this month - set a high bar for everything else. Happy to see it do well, I really enjoyed it!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2010 11:54 AM

Congrats on the HM, this was one of two excellents I gave this month. Great job.

Brian Howell (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 11:59 AM

I had the feeling that she had been planning the escape for a while, until she starts digging. Even then I thought she was just uncovering a tool or something. Wire cutters (I don't know how she would get them) or something. This would make a great feature. Keep me in the loop on that, I'd love to read the expanded version!

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 12:01 PM

I will for sure, Brian. Thank you Tim and Lee, I really appreciate that.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 5:49 PM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention, Sally! This was another solid entry from you and I'm not surprised it placed high. Great job!

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 5:55 PM

Thank you Paul! I appreciate that.

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 7/3/2010 4:39 PM

Good job Sally. You did well this month. I'm still working on budgeting my MP time and fighting off the teens for the computer. I will catch up and read this one.

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/3/2010 4:48 PM

Thanks Ali.

I know what you mean about teens!! I really enjoyed your script this month too.