Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I think Declan Believes Sylvia too quickly that she is Miriam. The beginning drags a little bit, you could tighten that and use that space to make the conversation with Declan and Sylvia/Miriam a little longer. Maybe he doesn't even have to believe her, he's just confused, doesnt know what to think and that's why she leaves.

I'm also confused by why does the limo driver look like his grandfather. Is it the grandfather? If it is him, then there should be some sort of mention that he disappeared or something. Maybe she just has a "type" and it's not meant to be him. But as it is right now it's not clear.

Overall I really like the story. It has a creepy, unsettling tone and a good premise.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

Your story is interesting, but it's lacking a third act. You've established Declan and Sylvia/Mirium but nothing gets resolved. Miriam doesn't explain her side of the story or how she comes to be in present day.

I suggest doing away with the supernatural aspect. Have Miriam be her elderly self. If you stay with the young Miriam aspect, then you have to plot lines to unfold in five pages.

Miriam's bodyguards don't serve any purpose. They don't rough up Declan nor say anything. You could do without them.

Lastly, further explore the relationship between Declan's grandfather and Miriam. It's the catalyst for the entire story and deserves more than as sentence or two.

Brian Howell (Level 4)

There aren't any glaring flaws or weaknesses. It read smooth and quickly.

It felt like all the lead-up was a little long, and then I was expecting to see the actual film, part of it anyway. I don't fully understand it either. She comes back as a ghost, or soemthing, to tell her side of the story, but when she goes to tell she concludes that he isn't ready? That was a let down. I feel cheated twice in this. Lead-up for a film we don't see, then a ghost appears to explain something but decides to change her mind, last minute.

The lack of flaws and easy read helped you, but I only feel like this is GOOD, nothing spectacular.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

The story is wonderful. The writer has an exceptional skill of writing enticing stories: and marketable too. This story may be developed into a half an hour short movie. I just got an idea: there are many stories in this contest which may be produced into a 26 minutes shorts. Is is possible that, if we al share the costs, we develop these scripts into real films, and put them on TV? I am sure we will get at least 30 members in this moviepoet community who may be happy to try.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted pretty well. There's a little bit of passive writing in there that should be eliminated. Don't use the word 'is' in your descriptions. Trade it for a more active verb.

Miriam's name is spelled wrong in her introduction. (Mirium) That's something that should have been caught with a proofread.

The story was pretty interesting, but the ending fell somewhat flat for me. You raise some interesting possibilities and questions, but then the script ends without any answers or closure.

Overall, I think you did a nice job on the script. The story has some excellent potential, but I think the ending needs to be addressed to give it some form of closure.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

I thought this was a good story - great potential - but a number of things threw it off. I think it needs drastically tightening up to make it sing. The ending fizzled out weakly.

Some notes:

Miriam or Mirium? Please check your work!

expecting this line of questioning - how the heck can we know that? Please write only what we SEE.

some viewer's hands - how many hands did this viewer have?! I think you mean 'some viewers' hands'

late arrivers are now leaving early - this is getting a bit ponderous. A lot of Declan shaking hands too - is all that really necessary?

INT. THEATER – HALLWAY - NIGHT
Declan rounds the corner and searches the empty hallway.
There she is, Sylvia, at the end of the hallway - Three uses of the word hallway in three lines. I don't think you needed the second two at all.

ESCORTS (twins 20s) - haven't you already introduced these guys? Is it important that they're twins?

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

This is well written and really interesting, but disappointing in the end. I feel like I have to wait for part II to find out what is going on. Was she a vampire? What was the blue light from his neck? Will it affect him?
Seems like either you ran out of time or couldn't think of what happens yourself. Either way, I think if you work on the last part, you'll really have a great short here.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

This is very intriguing. I love the idea of this starlet still alive and young after all these years.

But, this almost feels like a scene ripped from the middle of a much longer story. I am left with so many questions and I really want to know more.

Your craft is great, but as it is, this story doesn't feel finished. I hope you do expand it.

Dan Delgado (Level 4)

This screenplay has an interesting idea, but nothing gets done with it. At the top of page 2 we find out that Miriam hasn't aged and... well not much happens. In fact I wanted strangle Declan when he wouldn't scream "Yes of course I want your side of the story!!!" Then he sees her get in a car with his 1930s grandfather, looking like did in the 1930s and "He shrugs, finishes his water, and joins the crowd." ARRRRRRRRGGGG!!! What's wrong with him?

Competently written but irritating. This was essentially a good hook that drug for five pages and didn't do anything.

I gave you a rating of "Good", because I was interested in the idea.

Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

most things were done okay...it seemed to take a few pages to get going...would have preferred the "action" of a red carpet walk...the dialog fell flat...a little stiff..."do you want to know my side of the story?"..."besmirch"...it's okay if one person is a little formal...not all the characters...if they all speak in the same voice, then the dialog just doesn't ring true...but a nice attempt at the challenge because the "picture" requirement was an integral part of your story...not just a throw in...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Weird story but interesting. One BIG problem! On page one Miriam is spelled (in capital letters) MIRIUM. I believe this is an error but, if this spelling was intentional, I do not understand.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

It's an intriguing concept but it's not fully realized, leading to a confusing and unsatisfying ending.

I think you need to trim the beginning and push the story up so you'll have more space for the middle and ending. I never understood why Sylvia was actually Miriam. She alluded to want to have her story heard, but we never knew what Declan's grandfather's story was anyway. So I could careless and was left confused.

The ending didn't wrap up anything. So was Declan dreaming all along? His assistant was Miriam? Too many questions left unanswered.

GOOD.

Jayaram Sanaran (Level 2)

I really liked this one ! This was handled too well !
But was this a dream or some ghost or the picture sprang to life ? didn't quite understand that bit... but i thoroughly enjoyed reading it...
Who was this Miriam in 30's actually... would be better if you can detail... sorry about my IQ !

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

You spelled Mirium like this in the beginning, but then changed it to "Miriam" later.

This went completely over my head. What was Mirium? A robot? Blue electricity shot out of her mouth? Or maybe some freak science experiment? And then you added that his grandfather was the limo driver? That was very strange. With no explanation. I'm left as much in the dark as your main character.

I think you should have explained. You left us hanging with two secrets. One of them needed to be revealed for this to be a complete story.

I also didn't like how he just "shrugged" at the end. He makes documentaries therefore is a curious guy. He would have jumped into the first car, with anyone in it, and told them to follow the limo.

The beginning hooked me, but the ending just confused.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Great story with lots of potential, but it lingers too long on the setup -- you could get to pg 4 where he realizes that it's Miriam on page 1, leave most of the introduction and backstory offscreen.

And then, perhaps because there's little space, there's not much of a resolution. The viewer can guess that Miriam is a vampire, but she basically gives you a rain check on the ending, and he shrugs it off. Show us what miriam decides, how the story ultimately ends. To that end, you could amp up the conflict, right now it's just a bit mysterious but you could perhaps make Declan a more suspicious person, close to uncovering Miriam's secret and have her desperate to keep it secret. That would put him in more danger.

Good writing, clear and descriptive. Overall entertaining.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I'm not 100% sure what to make of your story. I think the basic idea is a good one, however your screenplay didn't come across as cinematic or dramatic enough.

For example, I think it would be more dramatic if (throughout the first few pages) Declan kept glancing into the distance and seeing glimpses of a familiar woman in the distance (i.e. Miriam). So, when Declan is talking to the Reporter, he's momentarily detracted by a woman in the background (REPORTER: "Are you okay?" DECLAN: "Sorry, I thought I saw... -- you were saying?" )

Later on, when Declan is giving a speech to the crowd, he could become momentarily distracted by the familiar woman at the back again, losing his train of thought again.

You could keep having Declan seeing glimpses of this Woman, not quite sure who she is. You could eventually have the Woman standing next to the cardboard cutout of Miriam (the one the foyer)... at which point the penny drops and Declan realizes who it is (DECLAN: "No. It couldn't be...")


Some other random thoughts: I'm not sure what the point of the blue spark is. Is Declan being possessed? Is he being made to forget what happened?

And I'm not sure what the point of the two bodyguard twins are. They seemed superfluous to the plot. They kind of suggest that Miriam is someone important now, and that she's someone worth protecting. If so, you need to elaborate.

And just what is Miriam's side of the story? You leave little background as to what went on in the past. It's obviously very important to Declan, so it should be made important to us (the viewer)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

You did a fantastic job of creating a noirish atmosphere with intriguing characters and plenty of good dialogue. The setting was well described in sparse elegance and made for a great choice to build up the tension the way you did with Sylvia's and the twins entrance and exit. Now, from this point on you lost me. I didn't get exactly what was the point of his refusal to accept her side of the story. The ending was vague and if it alluded to something I guessed I missed it, could only be me, though. I think it's a fine script, but the reveal and the ending was not executed well. I give it a Good because it had my attention all the way through, but I don't feel there was a reward at the end.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a well written short but it was hard for me to understand it at first. And I had to read it three times.

Now I know why: at the bottom of page 2 you have "There she is, Sylvia" - and you introduced her as Sylvia. When she talks it's always Miriam. I know it's Miriam but this part sent me off the track at first. Then if you introduce her as Sylvia it makes me think that Declan know her. Someone must know her if she's Sylvia. When we watch your movie we won't know anything about Sylvia, why not to keep her Miriam throughout?

Also at first you have "MiriUm".

I liked the continuity of this, the pacing. It got charm.

I wonder about the way others will understand it though. I'll look it up.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific story idea. Declan Owens and Mirium are unique character names. Easy to follow them.
Narrative could use some tightening. "The Hammer Horror Mystery" doesn't seem to be an integral part, and Declan mentions it twice. Might condense Declan's speeches a bit; could combine the comments he makes to the Reporter with his address to the audience. Seems what's important is noticing Sylvia/Mirium entering and leaving the theater. Probably could omit the Usher and two Men with Mirium too. Some intrigue could be injected by initially introducing Sylvia/Mirium by description. Then, she becomes Mirium once she reveals herself to Declan. She would make a good apparition, leaving Declan to wonder whether he saw her at all.
Not sure the significance of that "blue glow from his skin into her (Mirium's) mouth." It's "her open mouth (that) hovers over his neck," inferring that she may be a vampire or zombie.
Good title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Some of the movements were confusing. For example, Sylvia leaves the theater after the end credits roll. But then, later, suddenly she's back in the theater walking down a side hallway.

Declan seems to be really slow on the uptake. Why does he disregard the bodyguards like that? Strange. If he's really gladhanding EVERYONE at the theater, why doesn't he at least nod a greeting to them, much less shake their hands as an introduction.

The electric blue spark goes unexplained. Very strange. I enjoy suspense and unexplained backstories as much as the next guy, but this story really leaves me in complete limbo at the end. If Declan really recognized his grandfather in the car, or at least if the resemblance is so striking that the VIEWER recognizes his grandfather, why is Declan just shrugging it off? Hard for me to get into or understand this script, sorry.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

I'm kinda torn on this one - the writing is pretty good, your action was well written but some of the dialogue was a little on the nose. My major issue was that not a lot happens. A director sees a woman who may be a lost starlet from the 1930's... and then what? It doesn't seem to affect him, or imply anything about his film or the mystery surrounding Miriam. No one seemed to be changed, or even care about what happened, especially Declan, so why should I?

Part of the problem is that I feel like a lot could be trimmed out of your first three pages - there seems to be a lot of filler that is eating up the page space but not really moving the plot forward. For example - why have both the reporter scene and then show him speaking to the crowd? They both accomplish the same goal and I think you could combine them both into either one or the other.

I think you could also establish what intrigues Declan about Sylvia better - what is it about her that catches his eye? People slipping in to a screening late isn't mysterious or anything - would he even notice this? I also don't think that Declan would come to the conclusion that Sylvia is Miriam on his own because of how preposterous the notion would be to him - I think Miriam would have to spell it out a little more concretely or give him some kind of evidence first.

Finally, the ending was a little awkward. The transition on p5 confused me as I didn't know Declan had passed out from your description - a fade or some other indication may sell this better.

Overall your craft is good but I think the story needs some work. Hope you continue with it though - the characters and premise are interesting, just needs an injection of conflict.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You introduce "Mirium" by the wrong name...

This was intriguing. I'd like to see it longer, though. It would make a great opening for a feature.

Formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good. The pacing id good... I like the title a lot, especially in combination with Miriam's nature. I like the enigmatic twins, too. The character's don't have really distinct voices. Declan and Miriam, anyway.

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I enjoyed the ending. It's interesting to me that you would choose not to reveal all to Declan, the main character, or us, and just leave us with the mystery of who these characters really were/are, and the line between reality and fiction.

"grandfathers’ switch" should be "grandfather's", unless there were two of them, and then "viewer's hands" should be "viewers' hands".

As a stickler for accuracy, especially with film history, you'll find that 'Hammer Horrors' weren't made until 1955, and far from being a general term, describes the output of Hammer Film Productions (a British studio) during that period. Perhaps you are thinking of the horror movies made by Universal in the 30s? This error really prevented me from enjoying this script.

It annoyed me that it took Declan almost a page to realise he was talking to Miriam herself. That's probably less time than it would be in the real world, but to an audience that had already guessed that from "Sylvia"'s first entrance it's frustrating to read.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It's intriguing, how this starlet is still alive, still looking like she did in her prime. But I'm afraid I couldn't find any explanation for this within the script.

(Sorry if I missed it)

When she is about to kiss him, "her mouth hovers over his neck", and I thought "vampire". But then, not bloodsucking, just a blue glow... which is cool... but I don't know what it means.

Perhaps you should expand a bit on Miriam's nature. Who or what is she? What does she want? There was something about the film that upsets her... What could that be? Right now the story is leaving me with a "yes and?" feeling.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I love Hammer Films. Is that all based on a true mystery or did you make it up? I wasn't familiar with any Hammer mysteries which is why I am asking.

I liked this script and I think it was very ambitious for five pages. It isn't easy to conjure up a mystery in such a short time. And that's pretty much the major reason this script suffered, it was far to cramped to really give the mystery time to settle in our bones.

We need many more details and more time for a mystery to form in our brains. As it is this script seems like the tip of the iceberg. It needs at least 25 more pages for us to really get the story.

Narrative ***
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story ***

3 * out of 5 *

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

Interesting absolutely, I like the mysterious angle of the piece, I like the slow build. I don't really think this is the best approach to the material.

It's all really spooky and the 30's definitely lend themselves to the mystery/horror genre, but it seems you skip over all the interesting bits.

The 30's period would be interesting (where the grandfathers turns) the film itself would be interesting, the showing of the film would be interesting and the result would b interesting. The dialogue about all of the above just isn't visually interesting.

I think you need to play with your setting and moment a bit to spice it up.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like the mysterious vibe to the story, but I'm not sure I get the overall point or moral to it.

I think we need to get to the heart of the story sooner. It's not until page three that Declan meets "Miriam," and not until page four that "Miriam" offers her side of the story to Declan. Both of these scenes have to occur much sooner to hook the reader/audience in.

Why did you choose the name Sylvia for Miriam?

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall is in order. There are a lot of typos throughout.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

I liked the feel and genre of this script. The only problem I felt it had, was that there was no explanation of how Miriam could be alive still. Then at the end when the driver of the limo pulls up and it looks like Declan's Grandpa, Declan just shrugs it off. It didn't have any punch at the end. I was so hoping for a delicious twist, but it didn't have one.

I liked your writing style though and thought the concept was good. Maybe without the five page limit you can flesh this out a little more.

Good luck with it.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Interesting, but a little too predictable and a little too slow-moving.

By predictable, I mean this: on the top of Page 3, when we get our first good look at the young Miriam, described thusly, "It's more than a resemblance, it is Miriam, the 1930s Miriam, dressed in modern formal wear, but it's her", I had a very strong feeling that she'd be a vampire (or something like that). And, of course, it turns out she is. I'm not sure she's a vampire, but she has some strange ability to suck the "electric blue glow" out of people (What is it? I have no idea.) and she appears to have the gift of eternal life.

And it took a really long time to get to that part of the story. Your script is filled with time wasters. For example, "Declan nods to his assistant", "Declan signals off stage", "Declan shakes some viewer's hand as he makes his way back to his seat", "Declan sits down as the documentary starts", "He shakes another person's hand", etc., etc., etc. C'mon, that's pretty dull stuff. Get rid of it. Cut to the chase!

It started to get a little interesting when Miriam offers to tell her side of the story, but then...WE DON'T GET TO HEAR IT! And why not? Because "Declan hesitates, unsure what to do." Yikes! C'mon, don't give us a bunch of boring stuff then skimp on the interesting stuff. When Miriam says, "You are not ready. Sorry, dear," I was thinkin', "I'm ready! I'm ready!" C'mon, let her tell us her side of the story!

Then, there's one more potentially interesting thing in the story -- the reappearance of Declan's grandfather. But what happens? Nothing. Declan shrugs it off.

So, I think you have a good idea here, but I'd recommend trimming out A LOT of the meaningless stuff, and let us see more of the interesting parts of the story.

My score: GOOD.

Sean Chipman (Level 3)

Well, this story had a lot of missing grammar. There were many places where commas and apostrophes were missing. As for the story itself, there wasn't much explanation as to why he had these visions of Miriam or his grandfather. I can understand the logic of why she appeared but there wasn't... I can't think of the words, but it didn't seem possible or reasonable.

Maybe if there were some reason for it, the story would've been better, but without it, it just felt empty.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I like the idea but I don't really see where the story is in here. I think you need to expand this to get some sort of purpose to Declan and the phantom of Miriam making an appearance. As it is now what does Declan want and how does Miriam's appearance change anything - when it ends Declan is in exactly the same position as he was at the start.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I can't believe that I am writing this, but I am going to have to tell you what so many others have told me many, many times: Your story is very confussing.

To sum up, this is a synopsis of the story as I get it:

Declan Owens is at a premiere of his documentary about his grandfather.

As he sits to see the movie, Sylvia enters the theatre and sits down to watch.

After the movie, Declan approaches Sylvia.

Sylvia -althoug nobody called her by her name yet, so we only know her name because you told us- looks exactly like an actress that used to work with his granpa 70 years ago.

Sylvia, whose name now changes to Miriam, pretty much tells Declan that she is the actress that worked with his grandpa, but Declan doesn't get it.

Miriam goes to him, electric-vampire kind of way, and he passes out.

When he wakes up, Declan sees as limo driven by his Grandpa. Miriam gets in it and disappears.

The end.

So I guess yours is a story about some sort of vampires.
Don't get me wrong -I think it has potential. But you really need to sit down and think with spec script logic. The issue with Sylvia's name is but an example of what I mean: What good does it do to a movie that a character changes names if the public doesn't know one of them? Wouldn't it be the same if the characeter had simply one name?
You know the answer to those questions as well as you know -and I know, too- that you have a promising story in the makomng here.
You jusy need to read many more scripts and see how others have resolved the problems you face.
The way you story stands now, it has a lot o potential, but I'm affraid that is about it.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

I can see the intention here but I don't think it really worked to be honest. I don't get how she is still around, and I don't know what the blue thing she sucked from his neck is supposed to be about. Just confusing really. Why did you call her Sylvia if it was actually Miriam? I get that you didn't want to reveal her identity to early on but why not call her 'mystery woman' or something. Because you refer to her as Sylvia but then have her dialogue as Miriam which just doesn't work well IMO.

Quite a lot of characters here for a short, I'd do away with some that aren't necessary. In terms of writing, it was okay but there was a lot of punctuation errors throughout. You are missing A LOT of commas in your descriptions, it doesn't read well. You also introduce her escorts as MEN and say they are in their 20s, yet just a bit later you introduce them as her ESCORT and again tell us they are in their 20s. Was this an oversight or is there a reason for this?

Overall it's an okay effort, but it needs a fair bit of work to make this succeed.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I'm not understanding why you referred to Miriam as "Sylvia"; even at the end you still called her Sylvia even though you said she was the real 1930s Miriam. Since nobody refers to her as "Sylvia", just keep her name Miriam, and at her introduction she could just be Mysterious Woman".
You gave the ages of the two men twice.
"An electric blue glow leaps from his skin into her mouth." What do you want us to believe this is? That she is taking a part of Declan's memory, since he seems to not care about seeing his grandfather at the end? You teased us with the Hammer Horror Mysteries, but then showed us none of it. You also didn't explain why his grandfather switched to horror. If you let us watch a moment of the film and we see that is was about time travel, then maybe it would explain to us that the events happening on the film were actual instead of a fictional storyline. Basically this was five pages of teasing, but no real story to sink our teeth into.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:03 AM

Yeah, this was a big tease to see if it worked. I didn't really have anything, but I had a feature idea. I tried to boil it down to see if it would be interesting. It was impossible to do in 5 pages and I rushed it. I do think it's worth working on the feature. Thanks everyone.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 7/3/2010 3:21 AM

@Marting - Hammer film productions was founded in 1934, the company is best known for a series of Gothic "Hammer Horror" films made from the mid-1950s until the 1970s. The documentary was about why they (his grandfather) switched from regular films to the horrors. I know I didn't make that abundantly clear in the time allowed.