Comments Made During the Contest

Adolphe Clouzot (Level 1)

I actually really like it. I love the short hand kind of writing. If done well it can suck you and you won't be able to stop turning the pages. Like this script.

Maybe a lot of younger writers could aspire to your writing. I know personally I enjoyed and would love to read more of your writing.

It's simple. How it should be.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I found that to be very interesting. I liked the characters, and the story was interesting. It was also nicely contained within the 5 pages. I could have read more, but didn't have to, which I think is one of the goals of a short. I'd love to see it filmed.

I'm wondering if there should be a slightly more dramatic response to the first picture. There is some indication, but that moment could be heightened a little more.

Good, though sad, ending. It both closes things nicely and adds more depth in a way.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I love that after seeing their future together Renee refuses to go help the skateboarder.
Oh no Nick! Why did you have to take a picture of yourself? The ending is so sad. I really liked Nick. This was a great story.It's cute and funny and creepy and sad all at the same time.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The phrase "What-If" doesn't flow very well in your title.

Not many people are familiar with the term lomography. Try to be more descriptive for the average reader.

"Half-Dome to my Ansel?" If this is some artistic reference, it's over my head. Your knowledge of art and photography is alienating me from the story.

Nick and Renee just watched their future lives unfold in a picture and they have no reaction? Renee gets a text and that's the end of the scene? If your characters don't care about the situation, then why should I?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not exactly sure the ending means. So the picture doesn't fade, does this mean this is his destined future? This is GOOD. It read fast and easily. I kept thinking this was set back in time for a bit, I don't know why, but I did. Maybe because of the vintage camera talk. Who knows.

Anyway, I was sort of hoping for more. I liked watching the pictures show the What-If scenerio's but during your seies of shots you did away with it. I kind of wanted to see these. If you don't have time for them all, then just cut some, but by hiding things I had this feeling that a bigger reveal was coming. But it never did.

Also, the warning says to never do a self portrait, does that mean if you do the self portrait the camera will curse you to a life of loneliness?

While I like the style and it's creative and fun in parts, I'm kind of confused as to the ending. So this is why I'm voting GOOD.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

A very good piece of writing. It is a nicely composed plot. It keeps me engaged throughout the story. The story is enticing, but lacks a message to the public. If the writer can think of a good message to be conveyed to the public with this script, it will make this script even more beautiful.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The formatting and pacing are very good. No errors I noticed and it reads like a breeze.

The story is interesting to say the least. Extremely creative. My main question would be why the final picture depressed him since the photos obviously don't show the future (since she ended up leaving), just possibilities. I also wasn't sure why he wasted all his film taking pictures of strangers. Was he hoping to find his soul mate or something?

Overall, this was a very well written and unique story. I've only read 6 scripts so far, but this is easily the best of those 6.

Nice job! Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Do you know what? I thought this was brilliant EXCEPT FOR THE TITLE which made it sound like some sappy kid's story. Please change it!

I'm still giving it an excellent :)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I really love the premise here, the camera telling the future is quite compelling. I think the writing needs a little work, misspelling and context problems make it a little difficult to stay in the story.

It loses a little steam where Nick goes around taking pictures of strangers - I get why he does it, but with what the camera can do and so few pictures/film left, seems rather a waste.

Don't quite understand why she doesn't rip the tickets up at the end - If the camera were accurate seems that she would have. Like that he takes the picture of himself, despite the warning, and it won't fade, just think it needs to make a little more sense getting there.

Still, great concept and nicely told. A little work and you've got a compelling one here.

Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

The title intrigues me.
Can't complain about much here. I liked the idea of this story, but I think this might have been a longer piece that you hacked down and it feels like it. I don't get what he was doing with the other girls. Not sure why it did something different. I mean the first picture was showing him rip the ticket up right? I guess it wasn't totally clear to me, still good. Use the feedback you get to hone this story.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great script and wonderful ending.

I have seen other films with magic cameras before (the Twilight Zone comes to mind), but there is something unique in this story. The idea that the images are just possibilities and then I love that you show us the final outcome.

My only quibble would be that they seem to react a little too lightly to the camera. I would expect them to be in shock at what is happening.

Still, this is a great story. Very well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

i thought this was well written and had a decent amount of imagination and creativity put into it...not much to offer in the way of criticism...just congratulations on a job well done...thanks...eight to go, and this is the leader...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A really original story that earns an Excellent from me.

The CONTD’S for dialogue are not needed in a spec script. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

The premise is intriguing. I thought it was going to be in the vein of Goosebump where bad things happen to the people in the photos. It's good that you went in a different direction, but at the end it kinda just...ends.

The main problem I have is the pictures themselves. Are there even consequences for taking those pictures? The pictures can show us our possible future, but we can change them as we wanted. So what's the point? This problem really lessens the energy of the script, making us not to care as much as we wanted.

I'm not too thrilled with the series of shots where Nick take random pictures of girls. I guess you want to show him he's obsessed with the camera? And he wants to know if he has futures with other girls? I'm not sure about his intention there.

I feel indifferent to the ending. I mean, Nick didn't do anything and his future is shown before his eyes. It might be better that Nick actually did something that triggers the events of his future. Right now Nick's fate is just kinda random.

However, it's still a GOOD for me.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

What a sad ending. Certainly understand why one should not self-picture.

Don't know how he could throw away all those what-if pics though. If he truly didn't care about them, then why even take them?

I like their relationship. It felt very real.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I looked up Lomo. I got a sense of what it is, but not really. I hope it's not vital to your story...

"Fuck. No." that was tooo funny! Haha! Especially since you put periods after each word!

Their actions toward this camera is very unrealistic. They would want to snap a phot of everyone. What happens when they take a picture of an old man? What about someone else's pet? And then she told him not to bring it? That doesn't make sense to me, unless he;s hiding something. And why wouldn't she believe a morphing photo that;s deciphering the future is real? It shows THEM in it. That would be the freakiest thing ever.

I didn't get the ending. Why didn't the picture fade? I'm assuming it tells you what your life is going to be like the second you take the pic, but it will change the moment you do something else. I mean that has to be the case if it changed every time they snapped the picture. So his "lonely" pic was just for the moment. Not permanent.

Another thing, when the guy took the picture for them, wouldn't they see their lives with him in it? It would only make sense since he snapped the photo.

This was entertaining though. I've seen the story done before, but it was still good.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It would be expensive to produce your short, I think.
Complicated a bit for me. It's well written.

Why the picture doesn't fade in the end?
I kind of don't understand what the skater meant, what Nick asked her about when he said "are you going to help him?" and why she said "no".

p2 - maybe you could let us know that she's translating in her head or I couldn't understand that bit right away.
p2 "and he's still riding" and "the whipeout never happened" - do you mean as in a movie?

You tell us about him taking the pictures of the waitress and the girl - is it because you want to tell us that he relies on the camera too much? If yes then you did it in a very subtle way (not very clear to me at least), and maybe I'm alone at this, but what if you make it this clearer. Because if it's what your story is about then it's important.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Like this story a lot. It's different, has colorful details, and has that page-turning quality. Not familiar with the term "lomography"; enjoyed learning about "casual, snapshot" (Wikipedia) analog pictures with the Austrian name. Nick and Renee's relationship is believable and they talk like 18-year-olds. Especially like all the description. The writing is very visual and would look terrific on a screen. Following the developing pictures is interesting and fun. The limited amount of dialogue keeps the focus on those visual pictures. Real picky -- probably could omit Nick saying, "I dunno" and Renee's admission, "I don't even know what's in these rooms."
Not crazy about the title; such a good premise that "The What-If Camera" doesn't seem to do it justice. Story appears to be more about the evolution of people's lives as opposed to the camera. Just an impression...
Enjoyable with all those vivid images and loved the original ending.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I don't know what a lomo camera is. No idea. I had to go look it up, which of course took me out of YOUR story. Perhaps you could give a quick explanation in the script, to keep the reader engaged. The real-world fear is always that if you lose your reader, the reader may never return.

Since we're referencing accented storeclerks and St. Petersburg, perhaps a little more description of Nick and Renee is needed. What country are they from? Where are they now?

Okay, beyond those page 1 issues, this script is excellent. Captivating. Perfectly paced. Excellent. Excellent. I hope you win this contest. Thank you.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

This had a great hook - camera that shows you your potential life with the subject, but the storytelling was a little too convoluted for me to really enjoy it. Your writing is sparse, but perhaps too much so - for example: in the beginning there seem to be missing beats as they move around the store, decide to buy the camera and then go to check out - we are left to assume what is happening based on what they're saying. The read didn't have a good flow for me and was hampered by some typos and formatting problems (improper character introductions).

In addition, there are some logic issues. It seems that the camera shows the life of the subject and the picture taker together, so when the tourist takes the picture of Renee and Nick, why does it not work the same way?

It was also hard to tell the history between your two characters. From the beginning it seemed like they were good friends who never took that next step to a relationship (evidenced by pointing out that they don't hold hands, the reaction to the pictures of them having sex), but then we skip straight to them going at it in the bedroom with no indication how we got there - especially if that's the first time, it's a pretty big beat that I wish would have been on screen.

I also had a hard time following the complications about leaving - who was leaving, where to, why, etc.. This is complicated by the fact that you have Renee leave not once, but twice (once to the beach house, the other time we dont know where). I feel like the script would be a little stronger if you paired it back to what's most necessary and cut back the scope a little bit - for example, shorten the timeline, only have Renee leave once, or something else along those lines.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like this idea. I think you could expand this out and elaborate on the photos of people he takes. Maybe have him take a picture of someone right before they get hit by a bus or something... and that picture doesn't fade. So much potential!

This is very well written and complete in itself, as well. I love that you have him using the camera to look at his own possible future with these various women... It makes the end so much more poignant.

Excellent work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your title is selling me on the high concept already. Good job.

I love how you use the horror movie tropes of an old antique store and the bored teenagers messing around with a power they don't understand. The story felt very familiar - there have been many haunted camera stories before, but I like how you show the implications of knowing the future, and how that would change someone, particularly because of self-fulfilling prophecies.

The ending was too abrupt. I wasn't sure what had really passed between them. The story just didn't feel like it came to a satisfying conclusion.

Ultimately I liked how it started out slightly corny, but became more and more sinister and serious. Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Very cool concept.

I think the ending is surprising, but not emotionally satisfying.

Perhaps there's a way to achieve both? Perhaps you can find a way to give the audience what they want but not the way they expect it?

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

On the positive side, this was enjoyable. The story moved along quickly, it was easy to read, and it kept me interested. I was curious about the blank final images and what might come of Nick's discarding all the photos.

Parts of it did seem a bit jumpy though but that might be easily dealt with in the editing.

I'm not a fan of the title. Conceptually this strikes me as a story out of The Twilight Zone. I also don't understand the significance of the lomo style camera. It's not a name with which I'm familiar so I had to look it up. Unless the idea is to suggest that the oddity of the photos is somehow related to the lomo type camera, I don't see the reason to mention a specific brand.

I think you did a good job bringing the story full circle. THe ending is good. I don't know if they would both treat life so casually after seeing the incident with the skateborder, and certainly Nick would have some more reservations about letting Renee leave after everything he'd seen from the camera. SO although the last photo is a good ending, I think you got there a bit too easily.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought that was nicely done. Good little story with a bittersweet ending. I thought the writing was a bit clumsy in some part but it wasn't anything major, nothing a few more passes wouldn't cure.

I think there was a minor logic error in the picture with the two main characters. Since the last one didn't fade and theirs did it seems kind of weird that any of theirs came true. Does that make sense?

It still worked anyway.

Narrative ****
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story *****

4 * out of 5 *

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

This is absolutely fantastic! I love the material! WOWOWOWOWOW
This is such a great concept, you need to get this made.

This would kill on the screen, and the end is so good. Problem is, besides the concept (which is fantastic), there are some issues:

- The series of shots should be different in the actionlines. You kind of cheat with the way you explain them.
- The title is horrendous
- The introduction of them receiving the camera could be loads better.

The rest was spot-on. It's not perfect, but I really really want you to rewrite this. I think you have a fantastic concept on your hands that I'm really jealous of.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a cool concept. It had a real "Twilight Zone" feel to it.

If it's the "What-If Camera," then perhaps the camera's prognostication about Nick and Renee won't come true just like its previous predictions. Or is it because the photo's image doesn't fade?

Nick and Renee's reaction to this magical camera seems a little unbelievable. They wouldn't go back to the camera store for more information? Then go to M.I.T. or NASA to have them study it?

I think a better title would work.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wowzer I just loved this so much!! I can't really pick at it at all, it's just beautifully written, feels like a novel in five pages (but in a good way). Wonderful, thank you for sharing your talents, they are impressive.

Very well done. I gave it an excellent plus plus!!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Weird. I just reviewed a script which I called a "what-woulda-happened-if" story, then the very next one is titled, "The What-If Camera". (Geez, what if this is all a dream or something?)

Anyway, I like your title.

The previous script had hot dogs in it, too. Weird.

Okay, I've read it now. (Hot dogs were the extent of the similarity with the previous script.)

The good news -- yours is really great! A sad ending for poor Nick, but only sad in comparison with the joyous life we know he could've had. Maybe his solitary life as a "great thinker" was rewarding, too.

You told his story very well, the visuals were great, the series of photos he took with the camera really told the story well. The airport scene (when Renee decides not to tear the tickets) was very realistic and poignant.

And it was all a very easy read. I enjoyed it a lot.

My score: EXCELLENT.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

This sort of reminded me of that old Twilight Zone episode "Some Kind of Camera" (I believe that was the title.) You didn't really need to give an explanation why the camera does what it does. I think we can accept, just randomly, that it takes pictures of your future.

The dialogue was pretty good and I liked the ending because he ended up with the only resolution he didn't want. The story itself was kind of lacking, though, but it's more about what the camera does than anything else so a pass can be given here. Overall, it was good work.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Really good premise - I actually had an idea a while ago that was a little similar although mine was for a horror.

There are a few little errors that could use cleaning up but I thought the story was sound. Could maybe cut the build-up a little, I don't think we need as much time in the store - they could have already bought the camera? Or they find it when clearing Renee's things for packing?

I think the sad end works well and it's a good final line.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I'm torn by having to review youyr entry.

On the one hand, I like it. On the other, I think it could be better.

What I think it could be improved is the concept. It seems to me that you had a great, great idea, but you didn't get as much as you could out of it.

I think the idea of a camera that takes photographs that tap into the future is great. I think it lends itself for awesome stories.

The "what-if" aspect of it, though, I think it just falls short of the expecattions.

It seems to me that you basically open a big, big, enormous, gold-covered, jewel-encrusted, all-around-amazing door, to the possibility of things not changing at all.

I give you that that is life, plain and simple; but it seems to me that if you have a story worth to be told, it probably should be the story of something out of the ordinary. In other words, I think you had this great idea for something fantastic to happen, and a regular old day came out of it.

In terms of what you show in your script, I think your style and format are pretty good. The structure, the characters, and the cinematic writing are pretty solid.

I cretainly would be interested in reading a reawrite if you don't mind to explore other possibilities.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I liked the concept behind the story here. I think that the kids took it in their stride too easily though, likely they would have been a lot more shocked and disbelieving of what they saw. I felt that maybe some of the dialogue and actions were a bit too mature or sophisticated for a couple of 18 year olds, but maybe that is just their particular personalities. Generally it's a good idea to have Fade Out or some indication that the story is finished, rather than just coming to the end of the page limit. Overall though a solid story and good effort.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Damn, that was a depressing end. I'm not really sure what message you're trying to convey. You mention a Maui sunset but don't specify how we'd know it's Maui. And maybe explain what exactly Lomography is and that Cyrillic looks like Russian.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Very very creative piece of work.
I'm not understanding an importance with this:
"INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Nick writes in his journal."

"I don't even know what's in these rooms." Seems too explanational, as if it's thrown in there to counter-attack any challenges from reviewers who may ask why she doesn't know what's in every room. She's drunk, she could simply yell "Let's go exploring."

Damn great piece. Terrific premise with a fitting ending. Thanks!

Comments Made After the Contest

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 12:16 AM

congrats on a terrific submission...this was my one and only excellent for the month...thought it deserved a higher grade...thanks for a fun read...

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2010 12:31 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. Wonderful script. I love the way you write and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories in the future.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2010 12:43 AM

This was my favorite one this month. I really enjoyed it all the way through. Good job! I can't wait to see more of what you do. Congrats on the honorable mention.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:03 AM

I think you have a really good concept here, which seemed to resonate with other people too. Congrats!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2010 10:22 AM

I loved it immensely, Joel, and I really thought it should win it all. One of the best scripts on site. Great job.