Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I can see where you might find the humor in this. I'm in no way offended, but this was not funny at all. I kept waiting for something to happen, but nothing ever did. They ramble on and on about penises. I don't know why the pictures were pixelated. Seeing the actual pictures might have helped this, but probably not even that. There is no story here. I know you say it's based on true events, and helps add some legitimacy, but these 5 pages miss the story that interests me. All this is, is two talking heads. Some people like talky stuff, and I don't mind it occasionally but the dialogue wasn't even clever or funny.

This gets a FAIR from me. There are some typos too, by the way.

There is probably more humor either before the interview or after, but the interview itself was not interesting. Sorry.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

Well, the writing style is good, the dialogues are good, and the story keeps the idea of a photograph being an integral part of the story, though I am not sure that any of the photographs mentioned had 'a thousand words' to tell.
I did not like the basic theme, but since the writer asserts that it is a true story, it deserves mention: just to show how perverted human beings can be, and how it offends an unsuspecting lady.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The character descriptions don't paint much of a mental image. There is some passive writing. Try to eliminate the word 'is' from your descriptions completely.

There were several punctuation and capitalization errors that could have probably been caught with a proofread.

Overall, this didn't really work for me. I get that it was supposed to be comedic, but my problem was that I didn't really find it funny. It's just 2 ladies sitting there talking about penises the whole time. I really don't think that would make for a very engaging film. I did like the Phantom Menace joke but aside from that, I just didn't think this was funny and with a comedy script, that's a pretty big problem for me so I'm not going to be able to score this very high.

A solid effort, but this still needs some work. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It seemed clear this was based on a true story because it didn't have much creative spark to it. It was as though you were regurgitating something you'd seen on TV or read. The characters didn't have much depth at all. Where was the arc? The drama?

It could be a good story if you paid some attention to character and made it less linear.

Some notes:


INT. TALK SHOW SET - DAY
Small intimate talk show set. - why tell us twice it's a talk show set?

what,s your book about? What's

I feel the opening is very stilted and matter-of-fact. You needed to come in later.

we can tell - you don't need to introduce 'we' - you could have said the same thing without it.

“Hello! = "Hello!"

Rachel is about to answer but Jennifer cuts her off. - don't tell us stuff like this!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

That might be the most bizarre script I have ever read on this site.

It was oddly intriguing, but there was no real story to go along with it. I think you need some kind of story or character arc to make something like this work.

As it is, it is just strange.

David Birch (Level 5)

i think you want to say "Rachel holds the photo"...as opposed to "Rachel hold up"...they (plural) hold...she (singular) holds...other than that the piece was well written/formatted from a technical standpoint...the story didn't really provide any dramatic or conflict enough to make it compelling reading...seemed a not so veiled attempt at sophomoric human genitalia humor...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story is “different” that’s for sure and, it’s probably me but, I don’t get the whole point of the story. In any case, it is well-written and I could not find any problems with the screenplay format.

A few comments…

CONTD’S for dialogue are not needed in a spec script. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

May sure you proofread! On page 2, dialogue for Jennifer: “Tell me Rachel, what,s your book about?” The word what,s should be what’s.

Also, on page 2: “Rachel hold up the photo for the camera…” Should be HOLDS up the photo

Herman Chow (Level 5)

It's well-written with typos here and there, but I feel nothing after read it. It's just a skit about a woman who collects penis photos.

It says it's based on a true story (there have been a couple like this in this contest), but I don't really care because the event is not compelling enough. You have to add more tension and conflict for Rachel, not just talking about it. What if she really got a man who admitted that that's his penis and sues Rachel?

And I know very little about Rachel. She's weird, maybe hates man a little, not a lesbian, a writer and that's it. Didn't really stand out. Maybe you can show us why Rachel want to collect these photos?

FAIR.

Jayaram Sanaran (Level 2)

whew... this one just rocked ! A novel concept indeed !
Am surely giving this an excellent
Great humour sense and an absolutely superb narrative style...
The script had a very nice rhythym to it !
Kudos !!!
But i thought there were a couple of grmmatical mistakes out there... More with sentence fromation
Unsolicited... the best i ve read in this contest so far !!!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Ha! Okay, although this was comical it was about absolutely nothing. IT was more of a SNL skit (which I'm sure about 5 other people will mention) than a full script. You should have cut the entire star wars thing out and then had her go home, and some strange event happens. Like one of the guys are there. That would have been a complete script.

And you mentioned there was an audience. Where were the reactions? The audience was dead silent. That was strange. I thought there was going to be a some sort of twist behind that. It looks like you just forgot.

So again, this was pretty funny, but not a short script.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I'm finding this one ever so hard to assess, you can clearly write very well and have an effective grasp over the screenplay format, however, some of the most important fundamentals are missing from your script. Though the interview is interesting and funny, the characters show nearly nothing about themselves and the story's containment entirety within an interview situation makes me wonder why I'm reading a fictional account of something when I could simply research the true story instead. My suggestion is that you add something to this script outside of the interview, you're writing is very clever and funny (assuming you didn't lift it strait from interviews with the real author) so I'm sure you could come up with something interesting and personal to the characters to throw into the mix.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a somewhat clever idea -- the woman annoyed at getting random dick pics instead of online dating. Unfortunately, it wasn't presented as a story. The talk-show frame was a way to let her tell the story but that's not a very compelling way to get the story across.

Rather, start with showing the character, then show her shock and revulsion when she tries online dating, and then finally show her clever way of dealing with it. Take the viewer through the her journey, don't just recap it for us.

also, if gay men wanted to find pictures of penises online, I think there's easier ways than ordering a book of them.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Well, I have to say it was something different!

While there were some amusing one liners and dialogue exchanges (the geek in me enjoyed the Star Wars references), I felt your story didn't quite work. You actually have a great idea for a quirky comedy but a five minutes scene with two people talking doesn't do the idea justice.

I think you could get more mileage if you actually showed some of the things that Rachael described: either with flashbacks inserted into the chat-show scenes, or by dispensing with the chat-show completely. The golden rule of cinema -- show, don't tell.

P.S. One more thing... the link www.unsolicitedpenis.com doesn't work :) (I had to check!)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was hilarious. The script really had no story, per se, but through the interview with Jennifer we learn what Rachel's predicament is and her way of dealing with it. The Jabba Penis with the Leia action figure was the funniest line of dialogue in the script. While the whole talk-show setting is right for the theme of the story, I really don't like such settings because they take away from the feel of the short. However, this one worked well in the form of entertaining the audience. I do feel that there was not one, but several pictures that were central to the story and this also takes away from the overall theme of the contest, but you did well enough to still fit in it, in my opinion.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It started very well and I was very much into it.

I think they pretty much circled around and there are no interesting mind invoking thoughts following the opening. I think the theme of your script is very good and you could go further with it. Maybe explore it a bit differently.

It's interesting that it's a true story, some of it reads like a parody. I know how hard it is to write something based on real events.
Some bits I did not understand well - like why Rachel says "why's all that hate" what Rachel did does not seem so hateful to me. And then I couldn't Jennifer's lines on the very top of page 3 - what is she driving at?
In the end neither learned anything, no? Did I misunderstand?

It's a book promotion interview.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Unusual concept. Not fond of addressing a reader with "we"; has a tendency to pull one out of the story. Could streamline the dialogue a bit by omitting "oh, yeah, well" when a character speaks. "internet" would look better capitalized as Internet. Several typos that could be fixed with a final run-through; ie, "picture in you (your) email" and "but It (it) does has (have) some."
Since the five pages take place on a talk show, all the dialogue makes sense. There is going to be lots of visual fodder, so to speak, but there still is an excessive amount of talking. Perhaps condense Jennifer and Rachel's conversations so it's a quicker read. Also would like a hint of Jennifer's personality. Is she an Oprah, Ellen or Bill O'Reilly type? Would turn the subject matter on its ear if there was some conflict between the two, as opposed to a non-combative question-answer interview. Terrific title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Since the whole script is just an interview in which nobody moves and nothing really happens, it reads much more like a skit than a film. Possibly even a radio play.

I'm confused by Rachel's assertion on page 3: "you can admit it’s yours and we remove the photo...". Didn't she just say that every picture is accompanied by commentary about the man who took the photo?

"but It does has some" Lots of problems with this phrase, needs to be reworked.

The ending feels, well, forced. Films rarely end so neatly at the end of an interview.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

There was redundant description in your first slug and the intro. In general, I felt like this was a one trick pony - after what's established on the first page, I didn't feel like the script evolved any farther.

I wish I could comment more, but right now this feels less like a narrative short than a commercial for a nonexistant book - there really is no story, stakes, conflict, drama, arc etc.. There's a few laughs scattered throughout, but I was left asking myself what the point of it was.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You use a comma instead of an apostrophe in "what,s your book about?" There are a few other minor things like that, but nothing critical. Just some minor touch ups.

I found this really easy to visualize. I can just about see it on screen.

Very nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I found this to be really funny satire. Good job, and it doesn't seem to inconceivable given the spate of blog-to-book deals. It was pretty hilarious, and especially the Star Wars tangent was great.

If I have one complaint is that I once got the two women speaking mixed up, but that's probably because there isn't a lot of action breaking up the dialogue to distinguish them.

(The "Based on, a true story" threw me, but as long as it's not meant to be in the film that'd be fine.)

You've obviously focused on your strength, writing dialogue, with this one, and although it doesn't really do anything visually due to being on a TV program, it doesn't have to. Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha, funny premise. Some very clever bits here. I enjoyed it.

But I must say that it felt more like an interview than a movie. Perhaps you could have a few scenes with Rachel outside the talk show? Maybe you can show her dealing directly with the problem and intercut with bits of the interview?

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought that was a cute sketch, I got a couple of chuckles from it. I don't really see a story here but what is there is amusing enough. It seems to me that your wrote this pretty quickly and didn't give it a really thorough proofread because there are few dropped words and typos about.

The dialogue was okay, there was a bit too much of it for a screenplay but it's a talk show so you have to expect talk. There was very little in the area of narrative to judge but what was there was okay. I don't really consider this a screenplay though, a script yes, teleplay maybe, but screenplay no. Sorry.

Narrative *
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story *

2 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Typos -
JENNIFER
Tell me Rachel, what,s your book
about?

and

RACHEL
Yeah. We had been talking for a few
weeks, he seemed like a nice guy
and next think I know. “Hello!

Okay, now that that's out of the way - I didn't get it. The dialogue was natural, but I'm assuming it may be a transcript, if not, then good work on it. The banter had some humor, intentional or not, again not sure if this was a transcript. It started good. I was interested in where it was going, but like an actual talk show, really went nowhere, with no resolution. No conflict. No tension. All required for drama. This was simply a glimpse into a 'real' event. And an uninteresting one at that.

Well written, but poor story idea.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

Interesting concept, but I almost feel like I'd rather see this as a conversation between two friends as opposed to a conversation on a talk show. The dialogue you have here, definitely works for a talk show, because it doesn't seem to flow as well for a regular conversation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you've written, I just think for a comedy, it might work a bit better had it been between friends.

For instance, I'd rather see one of Rachel's friends make fun of some of the guys, like the ones that pose with Star Wars paraphernalia, instead of talking about it on a talk show.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

This is a weird short. I find the subject matter interesting, I think it makes for some standard (yet vulgar) jokes and you nicely avoid getting too dirty.

But I don't think this really is a story. There's no emotional rollercoaster, just a girl showing pixelated cocks. Yeah. That's your story.

So I can't rate this high, there's no emotional thing, there's nothing to say about the characters and your good idea remains just a good idea, unused.

Use this in a real short or feature. Somebody who owns that site or show the actual events. That sounds a lot better than just doing this. Well flowing dialogue though.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Is this really based on a true story or are you just pulling our leg?

This has humorous moments and I smiled, but I don't know...I was hoping for a twist-ending that maybe Jennifer was actually a guy or she would recognize her boyfriend/husband in one of the photos, but there wasn't one and parts of this became repetitive.

I'm a little more than halfway through reviewing this month and I have no problem giving you the originality award at this point in time. This was definitely different.

Your screenwriting is very good, although this is mostly dialogue.

Format appears in order.

There are a lot of typos throughout.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well this was really different, lol. While it started off funny, after a while it just seemed to fizzle. I am not sure how many people would want to watch a story about pictures of penises. I know I wouldn't.

The ending when Jennifer was talking to someone off camera, I wasn't sure what the importance of that was, it wasn't made clear.

So basically we have five pages of talking, with not much really happening. While you have a unique concept, it didn't really work for me.

As I said, there were some funny moments, that sort of tapered off toward the ending of the script.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kinda cute, but not really any story. It's all about the jokes, which (again) are kinda cute, but there aren't really any side-splitters.

So, the whole thing amounts to a short vignette, based on a bizarre premise, with a few jokes thrown in. And, the ironic thing is that in a contest based on pictures, you've written a story, also based on pictures, but we don't actually see any pictures -- they're all pixilated. So all we see are two women talking. It would be nice if you could find a way to make the visuals a little more interesting.

But, it is a cute little scenario.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Try not to repeat what you've already said in your scene heading.

This was pretty funny with some good lines. A few too many typos for a 5 page script.

I would have preferred a traditional story to just the talking heads set-up, but I guess that's just a personal thing. Funny but more of a sketch than a short.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Unsolicited, which I like, is one of those hard-to-grade scripts.

On the one hand, it is well written. On the other hand, it is quite simple (not meant in a bad way) which makes the task fairly easy.

On the one hand, it is entertaining and funny. On the other, I don't think this script qualifies as a story, properly said.

I don't know very well what kind of suggestion I could give to improve your script without changing its essence too much; nevetheless, it is your work, and I'm here only to help if that's possible.

I guess that the only think I can say is a reminder: A story based in a real event rarelly portrays the event exactly as it happened. Not only because there are usually facts that get lost forever, but because a little twicking can go a long way. And we, as storytellers, are supposed to entertain, even at the cost changing what really happened.

All that said, I want repeat that I like your entry, and I think it is well executed so you get some well deserved points.

Sorry if it doesn't help.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

The concept is good as it is actually a real problem a lot of women are confronte with apparently. So it was amusing at first but then didn't really go anywhere. Essentially it's more of a skit than a story, and it felt like once the joke was played out you didn't know where to take this. The writing was okay, but some of the dialogue fell a bit flat for me. Overall a decent effort but it is lacking something to be more than just a one-note skit.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Cute story, but it went absolutely nowhere. You had some funny moments, but at the end it all felt like it didn't amount to anything. You write dialogue as 'unsolicited penis dot com' at one point, then 'unsolcitedpenis.com' at anther. This had witty dialogue at all, but I wish there was a point to it all.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

A few typos" 'what,s' your book" &
"but 'It' does"
A few shining moments include the lines:
"No, I just don’t think it’s that
common."
"No man over fifteen is going to lay
on sheets that are not from the
original trilogy"
"Is that a Princess Leia action
figure next to it?"
Having two people in a room, sitting for their dialogue rarely makes a compelling story. It's affordable to shoot and might make a fun entry into a film festival that has a comedy genre section. But again, it comes off as something that can be done on stage or an SNL skit; they have talk-show skits almost every week, so it doesn't scream original. You have a talented rythym for comedy, so find a more exciting setting to put your characters and maybe add a physical comedy aspect to it, you should have better luck pulling people into your story.

Comments Made After the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 12:40 AM

I have to confess I did picture this as an SNL type skit when I wrote it, so I feel the comments are dead on. I was thinking of Kristen Wigg as the interviewer. I do have a tendency to think of anything short as a skit, which is why I loved reading the other entries and seeing what everybody else came up with.

For those who were wondering about the "true story" part:

Back when mySpace came out, I finally caved in to my friend's requests and made a profile. Through no fault of my own, it somehow ended up in the front page in a "look at out new members" section. I was inundated with emails and friend requests and yes, pictures of penises. I literally ended up with thousands of messages. Eventually they took my picture down and it all stopped, but it was weird and a bit annoying.
Yet still, I have to say I hate Facebook even more.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2010 12:50 AM

What a great "making of" story.

Now everyone knows why we don't allow photos on MoviePoet. :)

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 3:36 AM

Aralis, if a friend ever suggests you should visit chatroulette.com, don't listen to em. Unless you want to see videos instead of just photos.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4) ~ 7/2/2010 1:44 AM

Hahaha! I'm on to them this time! I have to say, at least Chatroulette is honest about what they are. mySpace and Facebook trick you with the pretense of finding long lost friends.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2010 8:50 PM

Hey Aralis, I could definitely see this as an SNL skit with the hysterical Kristen Wigg, who would deliver this outrageousness (word?) with deadpan hilarity.

As stated in my review, you got my "Originality Award" for the month, which gets you..well, absolutely nothing, it seems.

Good job!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2010 9:23 PM

Aralis, I guess all those photos were a backhanded compliment about your stunning beauty?

@Chris: ROFL.