Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This was...odd. Don't get me wrong, that is not necessarily a bad thing. but you have to be really careful how it's shot in order for it to be effective. with the right cinematography, it could be very eerie and surreal like something out of a David Lynch movie. But the story has such a dreamy quality that I think if you don't go all out with the visuals it might not work (or come off as cheesy)since the whole thing is so unreal.
one of the reasons I saw this is that my first impression of the murder and all the windows shattering was that it was too unrealistic and it did not make sense to me. But then I pictured it as more of a dreamy sequence and thought it could be quite striking.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is GOOD. I think the subject is intriguing, but the manner in which you've told the story is a little distracting.

For instance there are many references to us, the viewer/reader. I understand why you've done it, but it draws me out of the story briefly. Also you jump scenes a lot. Between changing scenes so often and all of the series of snapshots and montages and flashbacks, this got a a little muttled. Sometimes less is more. If you could cut some of these, and maybe show him taking the picture instead of just the picture it would flow a little easier. I don't know, I'm just sharing what I thought and fewlt while reading.

GOOD job!

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

Not really impressed by the concept. The story has no power to entice, or stimulate. It looks more of a horror to me: perversion, exploiting women, treating them like commodities... it is not acceptable. Writers have the power to change the world. If the writer (who has talent, no doubt) used this skill to propagate repect for women, it will help in changing the world.
Coming to the story: it lacks coherence. I just can't understand what was wrong with Joseph, and what went wrong with Ariel. No, I am not satisfied. I am sorry.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

A script describes only what we will see and hear when watching the film. Since we aren't going to be in the film, the words 'we' and 'us' have no place in the descriptions of a screenplay.

The story took a nice twist with Ariel ending up to be a haunting vision. I didn't really see that coming.

Overall, I think you give WAY too much info that we don't need. We've only got 5 pages to work with so you should try to focus your script on the important things. What does a snapshot of an irritated teen playing basketball have to do with your script? Nothing. Get rid of it. There were lots of instances like that which could be easily removed without affecting your story at all. What you'll end up with is a more cohesive, less confusing script where every scene pushes the story forward.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

How are the snapshots presented?

stares, irritated, at us? eye us? dares us to come closer. We do. - I don't like introducing 'us' into the mix.

Have you seen her! - is a question and should have a question mark.

I like some of your visual ideas - "Ariel’s eye stares out from the sidewalk; other
fragments rain down around it."

Too many tears in this piece! Wipes away a tear...teary eyes...wipes tears away...

I found this very interesting...but I didn't find that I engaged with any of the characters so didn't much care what happened. I felt...distanced from it. It was a visual atmospheric piece but not one that tore at my heart strings.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I dig the feel and vibe of this piece, nice and stark. I like the murders regret. It'll be tough to shoot, but a nice story. Thanks. The only negative I can say is that it took a little long to develop, but the wait was worth it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Perfect title.

I thought this was great. I love the use of the image and the way Joseph is haunted by her face. I especially liked the ending which felt like poetry - really lovely.

I wish we knew a bit more about Joseph and why he killed Ariel to begin with, but that is a small complaint for a great script.

Well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

...ohhhhh lordy lordy the formatting nazis are comin' after you...how dare you put that "fade in:" on the right side!!!...personally i don't give a s#*t...as far as the story goes, i think you did a good job of using this month's premise to be a major part of your story...i like that...you just didn't have a quick hit of someone looking at a picture and then move on...there seems to me a few too many "adverbs" in the description..."steps sluggishly forward"...i'd try "shuffles", "dawdle"...some form of action verb...your description at the bottom of page 4 is a little bloated...it's an action sequence that reads stagnant...short quick bursts that move the eye down the page....

Joseph lunges. He clamps his hands around Ariel's throat.

ARIEL

gags. Her eyes well up. Face turns red. She stumbles backwards into a

BAY WINDOW

fractures.

JOSEPH

tightens his grip, lifting Ariel off her feet. He pins Ariel against the window. As the life fades from her eyes, the bay window gives way.

...hope this helps...good luck in the vote!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A very surreal story which would make a great film. Well-written and screenplay formatting is perfect. It earned a “very good” from me. Here are a few comments.

In the “urban snapshot”, a picture of BASKETBALL PLAYERS. I found myself wondering if these were 8-year old athletes or 50-year old athletes. It didn’t make a bit of difference to the story but it did take me out of the read.

Not sure about the “at us” and “dares us” references in the screenplay. It worked but I can’t decide if I like it.

Page 2: “Have you seen her!” Ending punctuation should have been a question mark.

Page 2: “A flash. She pushes it away with a dismissive wave.” Be careful with pronouns. After reading the sentence twice, I realized that “it” were tears but when I read it the first time, I thought she was pushing away a flash and it confused me.

Page 3: “Joseph face falls with disappointment.” Should be “Joseph’s face…”

The ending was weird and I liked it but I’m still not sure what it means. But I like weird endings. So, thanks for an enjoyable read!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Sorry, I don't know what to make of this. There seems to be a very deep story here, but it's embedded within the script so tightly that I couldn't make sense of it.

My guess is this: Joseph is trying to find Ariel, but she's already dead and becomes a figment of his imagination.

If there's the core of your story, you need to get rid of the extraneous stuffs: the picture taking, the flashback, the montage. Right now the story doesn't flow and I was having a hard time discerning what's going on in every scene. Very choppy.

I don't understand why Candy always says her own name in her dialogue, why not just "me"? Candy is a good plot device to show Joseph really cares about Ariel.

The writing can be tightened up. Try to write to the point and in present tense.

Hope I have more positive feedback. Good luck. Keep writing.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Nice visuals!

I don't think serious is the best adjective for a camera. Maybe high tech or large or professional.

Good job allowing us to feel the distress of Joseph.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I was really liking the opening pages, but was disappointed when it became a ghost story/murderer kind of thing. The simpler scenes with Joseph as a urban photographer and his hurt and confusion when Ariel left him were the strongest to me, the scenes with the ghost and the murder were just not as compelling even though they were much louder.

Candy was an interesting character, she had the best dialogue in the whole piece, but I don't think she fit into the story very well. Focus on the relationship between Jacob and Ariel. I think the same story, told in a more straightfoward way, would be more interesting. it also seemed like a lot of material for 5 pages.

Also, while having the central character a photographer was close thematically (and some great storytelling through those images, btw), but I felt like this didn't really fulfill the contest requirements of having a single image that was integral to the plot.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I'll have to admit, the first time I read your story I found it a difficult read. It's not very linear, almost coming across as scatter-shot.

I'm glad I read it again. The second time it all came together quite nicely and felt quite rewarding.

Your screenplay is a difficult one to rate, very much a case of style over substance. If it was to be made into film, I get the feeling that whether the story would work or not would depend entirely on the camera visuals and editing employed. As it stands, your screenplay is more like a rough template of something bigger. (okay, all screenplays are, but yours more so.)

Jordan Birch (Level 2)

I like how you choose to handle the way snap shots were taken around town. To the point quickly.

Candy's dialogue was great and turned the script into the direction that was needed to complete the story.

At the end we see how mental Joseph really is, when it's revealed that Ariel isn't in any of the photo's.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's beautiful...

The way his mind deteriorates into the insanity.

I couldn't understand the last part, but I'm planning to read it a few times - in a way your script is very powerful, it makes me want to read more of it, more of the same thing...which doesn't happen that often.

This is unconventional formatting for me which works just perfect... I never minded the still shots. I find it great that you opened on them and closed on them. If you had more space I think you should show the shots.

what's a serious camera?

And speaking of serious, I think it's seriously Excellent!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Visual and interesting "Urban Snapshots." Complete character introduction for Joseph. Can picture the 28-year-old with "his serious camera" taking pictures of everyday life.
Not crazy about addressing the reader with "us, you'd and we." Maybe the story should start with Joseph and Ariel in the bedroom, then move forward in a linear fashion. One flashback is tough enough; three is a bit distracting for only five pages. Understand that Joseph's angst is what apparently compels him to search for Ariel, but it doesn't seem to be set up well enough. Need more than the single encounter in the flashback and discovering her picture accidentally in the darkroom. "Her face becomes positive and begins to shake" is awkward. Perhaps she is smiling and her head shakes?
The story jumps around a lot. Joseph's search turns into a murder of Candy, a prostitute? Ariel appears at the end and says, "I want it to be over"; but, it's not established what she wants to end. Her comment, "He can make me a star...something you could never" seems to be directed at Joseph. It's confusing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm uncertain how the "We do" line works in a snapshot. How do we come closer? Perhaps you're presuming a zoom in on the photo, but it reads like a camera direction instead. Then, in the very next scene, in the darkroom, I thought Ariel was actually in the room because of the action line. But now I'm not sure if it's really her or if it's just the photograph. If it really is the photograph, that line desperately needs to be rewritten for clarity's sake.

Some of the imagery in the second half of the script is really powerful. Especially the "force of her kiss blows out the windows". Original and cool. I also really appreciate the scene transition into Candy's murder. Although that scene (man kills prostitute) felt stale and unoriginal, the way in which you did it gave it vibrancy. Very Good.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

This was an alright read for me. Some style issues made it hard for me to read it - mostly because of vague descriptions. I think overall you could do a better job of describing what we are visually seeing - I had a hard time picturing all of this in my mind. You refer to snapshots being shown, but mention actions being performed in them (like Ariel beckoning us closer and us following)- how is this accomplished? Is she coming alive in the photo? Are we seeing a series of photos like stop motion? The first transition to the darkroom was also awkward for me. Later, what does it mean that Ariel's head starts to shake after the photo is developed, and is she literally morphing to and from Candy before Josephs eyes?

I think the bigger problem is that I don't care about Joseph and have no reason to root for him. Even before we find out that he killed Ariel, he's behaving like a stalker who can't get over an ex who broke up with him for what could be very rational reasons. After we see him kill Ariel and Candy, all bets are off. Even in stories with dispicable protagonists, we should be invested in what they are trying to achieve (usually accomplished by making them very real, multi-faceted characters despite their flaws), but here I just wasn't invested in Joseph at all.

Lori Othouse (Level 2)

Loved the use of Ariel in the photographs throughout and then her absence from them as closure at the end. Powerful ending, too, that brought everything together. It was slowed down maybe just a little by all the flashbacks, but they did reveal important information about Ariel and Joseph's relationship and why he reacted the way he did.

I Noticed Ariel was described as "sad but defiant" three times. Maybe some different adjectives/description to give a little more depth to her character?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

At last! My first excellent. I was getting worried.

I like the way the title ties in with the ending. I don't normally like the writer to include the reader in the text - "we" see, etc. but it works here. I think it's because you have the reader looking at pictures. Really nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow. I thought the first few pages felt very predictable, that he was searching for his lost love, etc., but I really liked the twist and the turn into more of a 'haunting' story. That was very well done and timed perfectly so as to leave enough time left for the ending.

I really liked how that line of dialogue, " I want it to be over", was repeated, each time with a different meaning.

Just one thing: was the ending meant to imply that Ariel was all in his head? Because that might have been a twist too far.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Not sure if your audience will connect with a protagonist that's a psycho killer but this was very well written and I liked it.

Nice surreal tragedy. Thanks for sharing.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting beginning, but the description: "Serious camera" seriously took me out of the story, but no biggie. Still, a bump you need to get rid off.

How does somebody DARE on a snapshot? I don't mind overly being poetic, I actually like a tone of voice, but you say things that aren't just vague (or wordy) but actually confusing. Is it her look that draws us in, or is it a gesture? It's vague about what I need to picture here.

Like alater: "A Flash. She pushes it away.." what does this even mean?

This is not badly written, it's engaging and I want to know more, but your descriptions seriously handicap you.

It's a really interesting concept with a ghost haunting through pictures, and I kinda like the confusing chronology, but it's just the vagueness and your descriptions that end up lowering the emotional impact, and the score.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I liked this one a lot overall, good twist at the end. I wasn't thinking that Joseph actually killed Ariel and was surprised to learn that.

Your screenwriting is fine, but it's a little too bulky. Slim down a lot of the narrative. There's a lot of superfluous descriptions and editorial. Cut out the adverbs.

Formatting overall appears in order.

There are a few minor typos throughout.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

What is with the "us" parts at the beginning? It was just him taking the pictures right? Plus even if it were more than one person do you show that in the way you typed it. Nothing huge but confusing when I thought this guy was talking for two people.

The story itself seemed fine...nothing really grabbed me to care that this guy killed two girls and felt sorry for it. This is probably better in a longer context it was still good though.

Good luck to you this month.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow, lots going on in this story. It was a bit disjointed, but after reading it again, I managed to get the jist of the story. I think it's quite well written, and I felt the pain of Joseph, as he plunged deeper into madness. He's a sad guy, Ariel tries to leave him, so he murders her, then it looks like this is going to trigger a bunch of killings because of his guilt and pain.

It's not a fun light story, that's for sure, but it was entertaining in a scary spooky sort of way.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty decent story, but it's kind of a slow read trying to visualize all the urban photos, which turn out to be not-that-important to the story.

For example, when we first see the photo of the old man with Ariel in the background, what is it that we're actually seeing? She's sad, but defiant -- do we see that? What's it look like? She dares us to come closer. Do we see that? How? Apparently we do see it, because we come closer. But then she's bathed in red because she's actually a photo in a developing pan in Joseph's darkroom. To me, that's a confusing series of images. It may very well work on the screen, but I don't know how, because I don't understand it the way it was written.

Then there's a lot of drama (also unnecessary to the plot) as Joseph shows the photo around.

Okay, on to the story. We're on the bottom of Page 2 when it finally starts. The story is actually (I think) one of unrequited love. Joseph loves Ariel. She doesn't love him back. She dumps him. And it's kind of ironic that in a story about pictures, we find out that she dumps him when...she tells us. "It's over", she says. Up until then we didn't even realize there was anything between them except "animalistic sex". But she tells him it's over, and by extension, she tells us. So now we know.

Then we learn Part B of the story -- losing Ariel has made Joseph delusional. He mistakes a prostitute for Ariel, and when he realizes it's not her, he decides to have sleazy sex with her anyway, to try and fake it. But not to worry, because "Candy rubs her fingers together on her extended hand." Huh? What's THAT sentence doing there?

The last page and a half are very confusing -- a mishmash of stuff bouncing between between reality and Joseph's bizarre delusional world. He apparently murdered Ariel, then murders Candy, thinking he's murdering Ariel. Then Ariel floats outside the window, the photos on the wall change (?), and Joseph apparently leaps to his death.

I found it all kinda confusing.

I think there's a good idea in there, but it was a little too arcane for me.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

What's a serious camera?

'Slightly-bearded' - Unshaven better?

I thought this was a really good story. Some slight issues - I didn't like the start, it read awkwardly and I don't really see the need to have that in. Maybe if you just had Joseph walking around the park taking pictures. I would have had this a lot darker from the outset, it felt a bit jarring when Joseph went with the prostitute and the sex scenes in general weren't described all too well.

I'd be interested in reading a revised version of this though as I see a lot of potential with it.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Nice use of the premise, but this story had me very confused with continual series of shots, flashbacks, and an overpopulation of characters with no depth or purpose. It was really hard for me to focus. This would be better if we spent more time with the characters instead of being bombarded with rapid-fire imagery that didn't seem especially relevant to the plot. And there is a good story in here, but it doesn't come together until we meet Candy.

The opening series of shots were not grabbing my interest, especially the breach of the fourth wall, lose the "us" and "we" since "we" don't exist in this story - solve this problem by showing Joseph first rather than the images. I understand the intent is to show his world thru the eye of his camera, but as written the "us" and "we" pull me out of the story, further adding to my confusion.

I suggest some heavy editing and tightening up to stay focused on the story; I also suggest losing the flashbacks and try telling it in a linear fashion. And less series of shots (get rid of about 80% of the non-characters in all the photos).

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like your story, and I like your style.

I like it because it is very visual. You seem to have used just the right amount of detail in each scene for your reader to be able to compose the image you wanted her/him to see.

The structure is pretty good, too. You have managed to supply all the necessary information at the moments when it was needed in order to keep the reader's attention while, at the same time, leading her/him along the route you wanted her/him to follow.

There's only one thing that I would suggest to revise, and that is the ending. I think think it is predictable. The way the story goes, it comes a moment when the reader knows Joseph is going to die, and Joseph dies.
I don't think the originality of the ending lives up to the level of quality of the rest of the script.

Obviously, I won't dare to tell you what ending to use, but I really think you should come up with something more surprising than what you have now. I think an unexpected ending is what is going to take your script from being very good to being excellent.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this one was well written, and very visual. I liked the story and you managed to tell it without much dialogue which is not always easy to do. I don't know if the early scene with the basketball players is relevant enough to be in the script, I'd just focus on the main story. And some of the descriptions of the photos wouldn't translate on screen, such as a 'mona lisa smile', or how we would know a man is 'tired and poor but happy'.

Overall though I liked it, good job.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was mostly well written. There were some vague parts but besides that the writing was great. The story felt a little A-B, I never really understood why Joe killed Ariel, so it didn't have much of an impact to me. The image of Ariel just floatin' around and stuff was kinda cheesy.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The only picture that seems at all to be integral to the story is the photo that Joseph loses on page 2, then it's no longer part of the story. Nonetheless, your writing style is visually brilliant. You paint a picture without the choreographed stale movements found in most screenplays, (perhaps including my own). You present a psychotic, tortured Joseph and a mysterious Ariel amid an exciting and sometimes crude backdrop. This could be filmed without music and still come across as compelling. Storywise, it offers nothing terribly new, has a "23" feel to it, or any other 'what's real, what isn't' ghost story. It's your execution that saves this, and I hope you intend to produce this.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2010 12:24 AM

Great script. I really thought this was haunting and it will stay with me for a while.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 12:55 AM

Thanks everyone for the read and the comments. I'd like to take this moment to chat about some of the issues presented.

There was a lot of confusion over the poetic approach I take with my story-telling, that it is sometimes vague. Yes, it is.

There were a number of complaints about the use of we and us. I suggest you read some produced scripts.

Most everyone seemed to have a problem with understanding the word serious in relation to a camera. It means "concerned with work or important matters rather than play or trivialities".

Finally, the single picture that is the focal point of the theme is this one...

"Ariel watches the rain stream down the large bay window. She
turns looking sad but defiant. She wipes away a tear.

A flash."

No one ever said you had to see the specific picture, just that the story had to contain it.

Anyway, thanks again.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 1:32 AM

Strong work - you're one of the best 'visual' storytellers.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 9:01 AM

I really enjoyed this, Michael. There's an almost ethereal quality to it. Sorry you didn't place, but I'd guess it was very close this month.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 11:30 AM

Gave this one a "Very Good", Michael. One of the best this month, IMO.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 7/3/2010 5:21 PM

Michael, I am one of those who dislikes the use of us and we in scripts. Still, I overlooked you using them and gave you a VG score.

But since you suggest to us to read some produced scripts -to take note of how is done, I guess (?)- I'd like to point that none of us is Charlie Kaufman, nor Tony Gilroy, nor any of them people who can afford to do what they want.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/4/2010 8:57 PM

Teo,

They got there writing in their own voice - not by writing in a way that was dictated to them. What's going to get you noticed is your unique voice NOT how well you follow some arbitrary rules. If your voice says you should use we or us then go for it. If it doesn't then don't. If what you write works - it works - if it doesn't then...

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 7/5/2010 12:09 AM

... it doesn't. But, for more than I agree with you, that theory doesn't put any food on my table.

The way I see it, there's nothing more arbitray than the signature on a paycheck.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/6/2010 10:04 PM

Teo,

Not a theory. Ask any professional.

Millar Prescott (Level 3) ~ 7/20/2010 11:34 AM

I didn't get a chance to review this one. I wasn't able to get to all the entries. I think this one is great. I really enjoyed it. Once in a while, we all need a good surreal story to keep us on our toes. Not sure if it all made sense, but who says it has to. That's the beauty of surrealism. Really well done.