Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I really love this story. At first I wasn't sure where it was going, but it turned out to be the perfect example of a picture being worth a thousand words. We don't need to know the story of the man in the picture, we don't even need to know Chris' or David's. The picture says all the unspoken consequences of doing something drastic and we just know it changed David's life and now Chris'. I like the twist that what is being passed on is hope instead of a curse which is what ussually happens in similar stories.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I was intrigued and interested despite a severe lack of any action. Talky shorts aren't usually my thing, but you kept me interested, so nicely done. My problem is I felt let down in the end. All the talk and the picture kept me interested because I was waiting for a big reveal or something in the end. But the ending just kind of came and it was over. The message is kind of cool, but a little too vanilla at the same time. My thinking during the script was the man with the beer was going to be the man who had killed himself. I know that is way off your story, but that's the kind of dramatic reveal I felt was lacking. I'm not saying to change it to that, just that this was sort of bland. It is GOOD, but not spectacular.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

It is a good story, with a good message. I liked the way the writer has intelligently delivered his point of view. What is lacking is the twist in the story, making it plain and a bit uninteresting. I will recommend some twists to be put in the story: like a cross hangs in Chris's neck... the man comes- delivers his message... then when chris is going out of the bar, he turns back to gve a final glance of thanks to the man... only to find that the man is not there anymore... signifying divine intervention to save his life.
I know the writer is a better writer than me... still it is just a humble suggestion. May God bless.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I don't think any of these characters needed to have last names. I also don't think you need 'Fade Out.' and 'The End'. One or the other is sufficient.

This was written and paced pretty well. I didn't notice any typos or errors here. A lot of the dialogue could stand to be trimmed a little bit.

I'm not sure I loved the story. I didn't dislike either though. It was an interesting discussion taking place at the bar, but I don't think 2 guys talking over drinks would translate in to a film that would be all that interesting to watch. Regardless of how interesting the discussion is, at the end of the day, it's still a film of 2 people sitting there talking to each other.

Overall, I think this was a nice effort. I just wish there was a little more happening.

Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I rather shared the moods of the character Chris at first :) (completely uninterested..."you lost me"... stares blankly!)

It was hard to fathom out the glass theory. It was an interesting notion but it just didn't grab me, I'm afraid. I guess it was because it was pretty much all expositional speeches, no action, and I didn't get a sense of the characters so suffered from an i=overwhelming sense of detachment.

Good writing though!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This story has an interesting concept, but I'm not sure that it completely works.

David seems to know a lot about Chris for just having observed him in a bar. At first I thought he was a ghost or an angel, but he was just a guy who had been depressed once who someone had helped out.

I thought glass half full meant you were an optimist and half empty meant you were a more negative person. I don't see where if the drink is poured it's half full and after someone takes a drink it's half empty - you could still see it as half full if you drank half of it.

The piece is well-written and I like the setting and the idea of passing the picture along to the next guy in need, but I think it needs a little more work to get it there.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a very interesting short. It's got a cool fable - urban legend kind of quality to it.

In some ways it feels more like a play than a short film (it's very talky for a film). But, I was still very curious to see where this was all going.

It's very sweet in the end; I would just suggest you try and find some ways to open it up and make it a bit more visual so it will play better on film.

David Birch (Level 5)

"idly" and "slowly" in he same sentence?...adverb alert!...how 'bout, "bourbon drizzles into an orphaned shot glass."...something that trims the adverbs and tries to stay in the active voice...most of the dialog was really well done, but most of the asides were sprinkled with unnecessary adverbs..."chris looks at it closely"...could be, "chris studies..."...or, "chris examines..."...not saying all adverbs are the scurge of society, but it's a good idea to limit their use...

David Laffey (Level 3)

The suicide image was real strong, I think through choosing such a dark and powerful "Polaroid" it made the script interesting. I was definitely caught off guard.

The message: deal with your problems (with your loved ones, friends, family), don't hide from them (with booze, drugs, etc.)...This may have been more powerful if the suicide was more addiction related from some kind of overdose/accident/etc.

...You'd still be able to keep the dark Polaroid picture, but instead of David assuming Chris has a depression/suicide problem maybe he has a depression/substance abuse problem. It just seems that preventing substance abuse in a bar setting is a more probable subject than preventing suicide.

Maybe if there were more clues from Chris, via his dialog or interaction with his setting, that he could be potentiality suicidal, this may be stronger.

Interesting and thought provoking. Overall maybe there's an opportunity to cut dialog and replace it with subtle images/actions.

Well done

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I like the fact that the story had a message, too often missed these days. The SP earned a very good from me.

The writer has a firm grip on the screenwriting format and I didn’t see any typos. My only comment is this: The writer has a tendency to overwrite in places. I will provide some examples but, remember, “less is usually more”.

Example #1: “Before Chris can drink it, he looks over at the source of the voice.” Consider instead: “Before Chris can drink it, he turns towards the voice.”

Example #2: “David looks up at a grizzled, burly bartender, TOMMY MOORE (53). David points down at his glass.” Consider deleting the words UP and DOWN. Not needed to get the point across.

Example #3: “Tommy nods as he sets the glass on the bar in front of David.” Consider deleting ON THE BAR. We can all assume that that’s where he’ll place the glass!

Example #4: “I thought that I could get some peace and quiet here.” Consider instead: “I thought I’d get some peace and quiet here.”

Example #5: “David stares in, focuses on Chris’ eyes.” Consider instead: “David stares into Chris’ eyes.”

Example #6: “A guy is at a bar and he asks the bartender for a beer.” Consider instead: “A guy at a bar asks the bartender for a beer.”

Example #7: “He leaves the bar as David stares down at Chris’ unfinished bourbon.” Consider deleting DOWN. Not needed.

Also, the CONTD’S for dialogue are not needed in a spec script. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is pretty straightforward, maybe a bit too straightforward for my taste. Basically this is all a setup to something bigger without a satisfying resolution.

The beginning started off pretty slow, with all those back-and-forth dialogue about the glass being half-full or half-empty. This lasted for almost two and a half page without moving the story forward. And then you skipped straight to the payoff, which is just David's lengthy monologue.

The role of the picture is not fully realized. What David said sums it up: "Nothing. It's just a picture. Even though his death doesn't affect you or me directly...." The picture doesn't affect me and really relate much to the story. I was disappointed at that.

However, the dialogue sometimes is quite interesting. Writing is clean as well.

GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like the story. I do think it need a bit more description though. Right now it's primarily dialogue and therefore reads a bit like a play.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I'm pretty sure it was intentional, but not one hundred percent. This had a Christian message to it, right?

The story was just explaining the theory. It had no ups or down, or twists. It was just a guy explaining something most of us already know.

If you were to cut down the dilaogue, you could add a scene where the main character leaves, and his problems are much more complex then what the man in the bar assumed.

Like, he goes home to his wife and child dead and then casually walks to the phone and sits on the couch and calls the police to report a murder. Not that ending specifically, but something that shocks us, or leaves us with an uneasy feeling. Or a happy feeling. I didn't get any of that from your script.

What I did like was the message. You didn't shove it down our throats, but it was there. Great job on that. I'll give this a good.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was strange. Interesting story, but too much was simply told through conversation. This wasn't very cinematic at all. Also, the half-empty/half-full sentiment is pretty well-worn and tired out.

Good characters, I would have liked this story more if they were actually doing something, instead of just talking over drinks.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I don't know, but to me it seems as if Chris left the Bar, and his untouched drink, because David was annoying the hell out of him... LOL!!!

The Glass Theory was very well presented here and David was good in his approach towards Chris. The conversation went very much the way I thought it would and while that was not bad, it was too predictable and I even expected Chris to leave the way he did, so as to not leave the audience with the satisfaction that the speech actually worked on him. I like the way the scene is paced and the writing is top notch. Great dialogue between the two. Good Job all the way.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I though it's a romantic comedy at first.

The premise is good but isn't that convincing. If someone starts talking to me about some picture and a glass half full I'll thin one thing - that person is drunk. What if David knew the man on the picture - that would make the matter much more personal, David motivation would be justified and the whole "go spend your time with your family and not in a bar" would sound much more convincing, I think. Maybe it's just me though.

It's well written. A lot of dialog though and I wish it was more visual.
But the production value is high - it's three people in a bar - good job.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Fitting title. Limiting the characters to two, plus Tommy the Bartender, makes it easy to distinguish one from the other. Wondered if the purpose of Chris's specific age, 37, is to make him older than David without labeling them both "late thirties." Tommy's age is specific too, 53, not 50s. Also noticed that Chris and David had the same initials, only reversed, and curious about the relevance.
Not a lot visual happening. There's no description of the bar. Obviously the story's point is the important discussion taking place between Chris and David. The altruistic nature of David's intervention is meaningful, but it's hard to envision what occurs on the screen other than the two guys talking. Might add some dimension if there is some type of diversion during their conversation; perhaps a bar fight or a guy arguing with a woman. Just an idea...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Nothing happens during the first two pages. It's all one long conversation about the "half-empty" thing. The plot needs to be more condensed in such a short film.

Page 3. There's dialogue at the top without a character name. Careful about that, if you're writing in Word or some other non-screenwriting program.

In fact, the whole script is just one long conversation. Films are about action, but here we're just witnessing two guys talk for 5 minutes. That's a really long time to watch someone else's conversation.

I felt like the heart of the story was good, but the characters didn't feel believable. I couldn't see Chris taking all that conversation. He wanted to get out of there immediately: why didn't he? Because the author forced him to sit there and listen. But the character needs to be authentic.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

I liked the simplicity of this script - nice basic setup, but with conflict and an arc still in the story. You did a nice job with your dialogue - it had a good flow and seemed realistic for the most part.

I did have a hard time with the character motivations though. David seemed a bit off to me - his decision to pull out the very graphic photo so early on in the conversation was strange (also strange was Chris' non-reaction to it), and his insistance on 'helping' seemed like almost like a warning sign to stay away from this guy rather than him really being interested in trying to help.

I think part of the problem is that Chris never showed that he needed help or an intervention - just because someone lost their job and they're having a beer doesn't mean that they're going to go home and off themselves. Yet David's insistance that this is the case again makes him seem mentally imbalanced rather than a truly caring person. Think about how a normal person (as Chris seems to be an everyman) would react if a random person in a bar started talking about preventing them from killing themselves mere moments from being introduced to each other. I think Chris would at the very least point out that this isn't a cry for help (and if you really do want him to be on the verge of suicide, he needs to do more to tip off David).

As far as smaller notes, your script starts of in the passive tense and I would re-word that to make the first few lines more engaging. Also, despite the fact that I liked the dialogue's flow, I think it could be trimmed slightly as the conversation about half full vs. half empty seems to go on for just a little bit too long - at a point it stops moving us forward and starts to move circularly.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really, really love this. I've got 13 left to go and this is my favorite so far. Hope you place.

Excellent work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You write dialogue really well. At first I was a little sceptical that such a conversation would arise, but actually it feels natural to a bar, where there is little to hide about your problems, and I like how these two strangers interacted.

I also liked this Pay It Forward-style idea of preventing other's suicides because yours was prevented. That's a really interesting idea.

Excellent.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Really good core here, love the idea. Think it would work a bit better in a different setting though, almost film noir/mafia esque, some guy using this as an example. Still, I like the way you explain things.

Visually, this wouldn't really be interesting, it's just two guys in a bar, nothing really happens aside from a dialogue, which is okay, just not really exicitng. Maybe you could do a little more with the premise?


I like the title too, only drop 'the'. Glass Theory sounds a bitter better. To me atleast.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like the themes touched upon here, but they have been portrayed before and I think with a story structured like this, a twist-ending of some sort could've added a final punch this so desperately needed.

While you've created a highly producable screenplay, this is essential two guys having a conversation and that might not be so visually appealing on screen. Perhaps the inclusion of some more visuals could help.

David's dialogue boxes get a little too thick on pages four and five.

Your screenwriting is good, but it doesn't appear that you're using a screenwriting software. CELTX is free and easy, but there are many others out there that I'd suggest looking into.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Very well written all the way through. Pretty good dialogue script but seemed to go on and on with this guy jabbering so much. :) - But still good.

I liked the characters and the setup.

Good luck to you this month.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Liked it once it got going, but the first few sentences were kind of clunky.

"A shot glass sits idly as bourbon is slowly poured into it." Why not, "Bourbon is poured slowly into a shot glass?" Then we get to... "stares at the glass with his head in his right hand..." I know what you're trying to say, but you didn't quite say it. Why not something like, "Chris droops over the bar, his forehead cupped in his right hand?" I know it seems kind of niggling, but this is the first impression someone gets when reading your script.

But, as I mentioned, I did like the conversation, the dialogue flows well, and I liked the general direction of the story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I liked your script quite a bit. The story, while nothing new, was a feel good sort of film. I do think that it could be tightened up a bit, David started to bore me with his half full half empty speech in the middle of the story.

I'm glad Chris took the advice and headed home to his family. The story was good, not great. I think with some work and tightening it could be great.

I thought the title was really strong and intrigued me as to what the story would be about.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This has the same basic premise as "Pay It Forward", but it's the two-guys-in-a-bar version. (Two guys in a bar, one trying to drown his sorrows, the other on a mission to save guys who are trying to drown their sorrows. Now, pay it forward.) A decent idea, but it's a little too "talky" and a little too preachy for me.

As written, it's just two strangers blabbing in a bar about a lot of nonsense. Is the glass half empty? Is the glass half full? It's only half full if it was poured that way. (Says who?) Blah, blah, blah. All talking, and the talking isn't very riveting. The one thing that injects a little excitement into the story is the photo of someone who's committed a bloody suicide. But that turns out to be fake and not even part of the actual story (except as part of the pay-it-forward scheme). In Hitchcock's terminology, it's a "MacGuffin".

Just think about this as a 5-minute film up on the screen. Two guys in a bar. They talk incessantly for the entire five minutes. And I guess we're supposed to believe that this "pep talk" by David cured Chris of his blues. Really? How?

Anyway, it seems like an idea with some potential. But, as written, it's not really believable, and it's too talky. It needs more drama. Or laughs. Or something.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Some odd phrasing - 'glass sits idly' 'his head in his right hand'

Interesting discussion, but that is really the main problem with the script. There is very little action. How will this look on screen?

I think this would work as a scene in a longer piece but without a build-up and resolution it doesn't really do much for me.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Yours is one of those "nightmare" stories to review. Everything seems alright with it, but is still is hard as hell to eveluate.

That, in essence, tells me I will give you a good or a very good grade. It is not a fair story, much less a poor one. Still the excellent is not quite right, either.

The structure is good, as it is the format.

The story doesn't blow my mind, but it's well handled.

The dialogue is a little too heavy. The good thing is that it is interesting. It's not there instead of something else that could have been shown on the screen.

Cinematically speaking, it falls a bit short -nevertheless, it is basically two talking heads. But I'm not very concerned with that because this is just five pages, with all the limitations that means.

Then, I get to the characters, and there is where, at leasr for me, the nugget is.

You haven't told us anything about Chris except that he's "clean cut." And all of the sudden this other guy gets there and knows Chris's whole life story.

I'll give you that working someone's life in half a page is quite a task, but I think you need to give something to the reader so that s/he has somewher to grab to. You need to htrow at least one rope so that we can grow some sort of attachment for this guy -Chris. Or give us somekind of clue as to why everything seems so clear for a complete stranger such as David.

You could present Chris surrounded by empty glasses, or shirt untucked at least.

Anyway, you've got a great story here, and I think that it could be better with very little more.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I think that you have a good idea here, but I feel that you lose something in the presentation. This is a conversation, one which lasts five pages. Mid-way through I had really lost interest. It's not because what you're saying isn't interesting, it's how you're saying it. Instead of showing me your message, you elected to have two characters sit at a bar and hash it out, which is not very dramatically or visually appealing (in my opinion). Maybe if you brought the family into it and allowed Chris to discover David's message for himself it would have given this story a shot in the arm. As it stand now, I feel that it's lacking. Good luck!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

The problem I had with this is that the scenario and dialogue doesn't really ring true. When guys are drinking in a pub one doesn't just start commenting to the other one about how he suspects he might be going to commit suicide or whatever. So everything that happened was too convenient and unlikely so I just didn't buy it.

In terms of formatting I'd suggest you don't have broken sentences that start and finish on different pages. You're better off leaving a few extra lines of empty space at the bottom of a page and having all your text together on the next page than what you currently have. Just makes it look amateurish. I also don't see the relevance of providing last names for any of these characters. It's only a five page script so just sticking with their first names if fine.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Although the dialogue is interesting, it kind of goes on and on and I know almost from Page 1 where it's going. There's a lot of setup and not a lot of impact. We know the guy is there to teach him some sort of lesson, but in the end there isn't much of a payoff.

If there'd been something a little more interesting, either in the story he tells or the impact/result, this would have garnered an Excellent.

Instead, it gets a Very Good. Which is still pretty good, eh? Well done.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Two guys talking at a bar typically doesn't resonate excitement unless something unique happens, or if the dialogue stings and in this case I don't feel it stinging. The main reason is that Chris asks way too many questions:
What?
What’s it to you?
Empty?
I don’t know, all right?
You’d like to help, huh?
And, what would you like to help with?
I answered your question, all right?
Yours?
So what if I am?
So?
So, what’s your point?
The glasses, the picture?
But, why?
So, what is it?
Do you want me to keep it or what?

Chris needs to be more active and less of a setup man for David's teaching. There should be more conflict and deflection. Give your dialogue skills a boost of energy and sarcasm. Instead of Chris asking David "Yours?", have him say "Sorry to hear about that." David could then say "I never knew the guy." More statements and fewer questions would give the dialogue a much needed punch. The theory is OK, but the dialogue doesn't make it compelling. Descriptive writing style in general is great.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sean Chipman (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 9:14 PM

Thank you to all who read it. I'm surprised that the results came out as well as they did and because alot of people were unanimous on what they liked and what they didn't, I know where fixes need to go in the future.

P.S. Everyone who thought there should've been a twist at the end or something, I think you'd have liked this ending better than the original 17-page story ending where on the drive home, Chris is killed by a drunk driver.

Happy 4th of July weekend. =)