Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is really a very interesting plot, some reminds me of "Death note". The pace is good. The tone is not that clear. I'm not sure if it's going to be mystery thriller or comedy. You have to clearify the tone more. The other problem is that our lead character Josh is hated right after the ten pages which is not a good sign. You don't just kill a man to prove something and expect the audience to root for this character. The title also is a problem. You need a better one.

Brendan Olenick (Level 1)

I really love this script so far. Can't wait to read the rest of it, definitely should be in the top ten. Really an interesting read - leaves the reader wanting more.
One question first of all, is why hasn't Gloria died yet, she appears to have known Josh quite a while. But I probably assume that this comes into play somewhere later in the script.
The dialogue between Josh and Nikki flows extremely well too. Keep up the good work.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

GOOD - I'm intrigued, but I'm not sure what to make of Josh. If I'm supposed to like him and sympathize with him (which if he falls in love is probably the case) then you've written yourself into a little quandry. That being Josh just killing a random janitor to prove a point. He knows the janitor will die so in essence, this was murder. Maybe this is what you want, but it just came off as cold and heartless on Josh's part; and I don't tend to sympathize with characters that are cold and heartless.

Also, you skim over a lot of action. Take the laundromat scene for example. You explain that she tries to flirt with him but you don't show me anything. If she tries to flirt with him, I feel this would take at least a half page to show me, you barely gave it one sentence. It reads quick this way, but it's too quick. I start to not focus on the action because it is so sparse and explanatory.

So while I'm intrigued, I've got to vote this a GOOD.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

This is an excellent story. It holds my attention till the end, and I keep longing for more. This script definitely has the potential for getting produced. Please don't stop your efforts dear writer. I am sure you will make this script to the top. I congratulate you for writing such a wonderful and enticing script.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There were a couple of typos that I noticed, but other than that error-free. Great pace and a very intriguing story.

I thought the characters came to life quite well and the story has the potential to get crazy. Josh can somehow harness his curse to bring quicker death to people he chooses. That's a whole new dimension of the story the logline doesn't get in to at all.

The dialogue was solid, rang true, as do the characters.

Nice, tight script. Good pace.

There's really not a whole lot of criticisms for this one. A couple typos and I think the title is too bland. If you are going to go with the name of the main character, I think he needs a more unique name.

Overall, very nice work. I'm giving you an Excellent and look forward to reading the rest of this in the finals.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Maybe the logline needs amending! 'Every person Josh comes in contact with dies in a week' - in the opening scene he is in a crowd of people on a busy street! Presumably they're not all going to die?

The 'contact' thing seems inconsistent - sometimes he's close to people (like Gloria) yet some people you say he avoids. The janitor dies at once. Other people die in a week. I feel you need to sort this through in your head before committing the story to paper.

I do think this is an interesting story though and with more thought it could be very good indeed.

I think it would be good if you had your worked checked out befoe you submitted because there are quite a few oddly worded phrases and misused words.

the mass people - mass of people?

rushes past the sidewalk pace? Not sure what you mean.

eying - eyeing

Why no girl has snatched you up yet? - Why has no girl snatched you up yet?

Great opening page to a film!

A PAPER COURIER exists.??

The conversation between Nikki and Josh is very flat. It could be a lot more oblique.

Good luck with it all!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I have to admit that I score this logline as Fair, mainly because it's a tagline. But hey it worked and got you reads which, despite what all the books and self help guides say, is the point of a logline. Let's hope the script doesn't disappoint. So here it goes as I read it.

-Opening 5 pages are solid. I breezed right through.
-Once we realizes what he does we would also think that he would become a hermit, kill himself, or become a sociopath. There's little other options for him and this is what the audience will think once they know what he does. I mean seriously how does he make a living, guy a car, shop, he would be killing people all over the place.
-See we learn a lot about a character as how they will react to a situation, you've just made Nikki interesting by how she reacted to Josh.
-Oh, so he is a sociopath, I mean that's the only type of person who would kill someone to prove something.

Ok, that was an interesting first ten. It sucked me in and had me reading all the way through smoothly. I imagine the whole movie will be the week this guy spends with the girl. If that's the case your tone is of a suspense thriller, but a relationship movie is a romantic drama. I say write the story you want and then see how it works, if it doesn't then write to your targeted audience. What I mean is the audience that will sit through a relationship may not be the same people that would appreciate a man knowingly killing people. Although you never know. Great Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I know it's not part of this challenge, but I would consider modifying your logline a bit. You could add a few details in particular, I think it's important that we know that by "contact" you mean touch.

This is a very intriguing idea for a story, but at the moment it still feels rough around the edges. At first, I thought from the logline that it might be a comedy, but reading it now, it feels much more dramatic. However, if it is dramatic, it needs to make sense, and I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense.

In particular, I found the moment where he kills the Janitor (just to prove a point to the girl) a bit horrifying. I think you need to think through the "reality" of this world and then a path for our protagonist, Josh, to follow that is both compelling and has us rooting for (or rooting against) him.

Lastly, there are a lot of typos in these pages.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

You had me then you lost me. Why do I care for a guy who intentionally kills a man just to let a girl know he can do it? He falls in love -- so who cares -- he's a killer? He needs to drop dead and do the world a favor. You spent nine pages making me feel for this cretin and on the tenth page you made me despise him. And the girl -- if she's normal -- would be repulsed by a guy who kills so carelessly. Is there really no other way for him to prove that he is what he says he is? Is witnessing a senseless killing the only way to get it across to her? You've got to have a character people care about. Unless I'm reading this wrong, Josh is supposed to be the protagonist not the antagonist. If you've got a "bad guy" put worse people around him. Read "Save the Cat", by the late Blake Snyder.

You could have probably gotten by with a little less set-up. His actions over the first few pages seemed overlong and unnecessarily repetitious. I got it -- he stays away from people and works alone at night. You don't have to beat me over the head with that over and over again.

Thank you.

I gave this one a rating of "Fair".

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm not sure what you meant by saying that "josh walks on a now clear sidewalk" (which reads awkward)...then you write "he makes a wide turn at the corner to not bump into anyone."...if the sidewalk is "now clear"...then why would josh have to make an effort to avoid bumping into anyone?...i liked the style of writing "clean" action lines...i thought that was the strongest part of the story...i did have trouble with the dialog in places...a lot of it was "on the nose" (as they say)..."so, why am i going to die within a week?"...i have to believe that that line might come up during the ride home (assuming that she'd still be interested in riding home with him)...while i really like the premise of your story, your structure is a little convoluted, by that, i mean that i don't think a complete stranger is going to get into a car after being told that they are going to die within a week...maybe having a third party (a mediary) convince nikki that the threat is legit...perhaps the waitress?...someone else has to know...that way you can deliver so much backstory through a dialog between the mediary and nikki...but i like the path you're on...so i'd go on with this...thanks...

Dexter Williams (Level 3)

Who is the main character? The script's title clues us in. "Josh" is the main character (protagonist); this is his story.

What is the dramatic situation? Everyone Josh comes in contact with dies in a week.

What are the circumstances surrounding the action? Josh is like a bad omen (people he contacts with die in a week), and he fears the girl he's just met (Nikki) will be the next "victim".

This is a very good start. You feel sorry not only for Josh, but for Nikki as well. You root for Josh to overcome this "grim reaper" curse, and for Nikki to survive beyond a week. Well done.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

What a logline! it will be very interesting to see what this is all about. Usually, a logline that leaves questions isn't good, but these are plot driven questions - not because of confusion - your logline is quite clear and has impact. (Sorry I didn't make it for the vote.)

The first six pages seem slow, the man, Walter, getting run over is belaboured. First, we see him run down, we see the notebook. Then we hear from Gloria about it, and finally Josh reads it. Cut some of that and use more room to more thoroughly introduce us to the main character Josh. It came through some at the diner.

I think it would be lonely indeed in Josh's situation, and you did manage to convey it somewhat in the laundromat scene.

You should start right off using NIKKI instead of GIRL. Don't leave the slightest room for confusion. I like that we get right to it, the logline did say today:)

Well, I can't say I'm a big fan of the way Josh proves himself. He's a murderer. I am still interested in the story however, and you have certainly allowed for Josh's character to arc. You also need to proofread. I would like to see how this ends, good job. Great concept.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This story intrigues me and I hope we get to find out more about it in the final round. A very original plot! Here are a couple of notes.

On page 2: “A PAPER COURIER exists.” Not sure what is meant by this.

Also on page 2: “Staff member GLORIA….” Think you mean a server or waitress. The term “staff member” is non-descriptive and tells the reader nothing.

Page 5: “Why don’t you go ask her.” The sentence should end in a question mark.

The scene on page 10 is great, makes me want to read more.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

The opening scene can be written more visually and in more details, but it did catch my attention right away.

I assumed Josh was taking notes how long it takes for the guy to die. And I assumed Walter is the business man in the opening scene. But didn't Walter die right after he touched Josh? This might be a point of confusing for some people. I don't think you need the time to be displayed in the script either.

It's a nice touch to see how Josh goes about this routine life. Apparently he's not afraid of Gloria handing him back the change?

It doesn't seem to real that Nikki would just ride with Josh the first time she sees him. A more bantering approach would be better to develop the relationship. They shouldn't get on right away, maybe at least the second or third time. Try to take more time with it, or push the appearance of Nikki sooner.

I didn't understand the way how Josh kills people. Does he decide when the people will die? I thought it takes a week but then the janitor just die right away, as if on cue by Josh. And that's very unsympathetic. Killing someone to prove a point? I hoped you have another approach to this.

Writing is overall good, albeit can fill in some more details in places. Spotted a couple of typos.

Score: GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This logline grabbed my attention more than most. This BETTER be good...

"Which only dims the sunlight" I don;t get that line. What else was it supposed to dim? Maybe "Sets the window shades down, which dims the sunlight. Cut the "Only"

You said he couldn't be less interested, but then you said he avoids eye contact with her. He wouldn't be TRYING to avoid contact if he was not interested, he just wouldn't be looking.

I also don't like how she tries to flirt. That was strange. Maybe you could say she keeps on looking up at him, and finally when it looks like there's an opening to speak, he walks away. Don't even mention how Josh feels.

"Gloria fails to suppress an obvious smile" Take out "an obvious" and replace it with "her" Or put: Gloria fails to suppress a crafty grin.

"Emerge from the corner" is not correct.

You don't need to transition the names for us. When she said Nikki, we now know that she is Nikki. No need for the /

I like how you added that he has a car in the distance. Nice touch. But when did they go over there? Why was Josh on edge? I'm assuming the guys on the block were intimidating, but you need to make that more clear. And you need to say that they walk to the car.

The morse code line needs to go.

I don't think Josh would be able to read the title of the book that fast. It's pretty long.

"About half way" No, she would say how many semesters in, or how many credit hours she has left before she graduates.

I knew he was just going to blurt out she was going to die. I would be smiling from ear to ear in the theater after he said that.

The entire Burger King scene seemed way to forced. The dialogue needed a lot of work, and since I like this story I will point it all out for you :)

Pregnant pause: Take that out.

You're not weirded out: This lines seems too juvenile. They aren't in the 9th grade.

"So, why am I going to die in a week": When Josh told her she's going to die, the only way she would have gotten back into the car is if he explained his reasoning for saying that. Even if Nikki jumped in, they would have talked about it on the way there. What was said during the car ride? Or even to convince her to get in the car? You should take the conversation from the burger place and have it outside of her apartment. Then when she finally finds him interesting enough and says "prove it" show them riding around to find a victim.

Now, even though I said show them riding around for a victim, would Josh REALLY just kill someone just to prove a point to another that is already dying? That is heartless. That completely turned me off from his character. I strongly, STRONGLY suggest you go another route to prove his point. Maybe a sick cat, or a starving dog. Not another innocent human being though. That tells us your main character is evil.

Now, for my final words... There is a television show called "Death Note" that is very close to what you're writing. This guy has a journal and whoever name he writes inside, dies. He can be specify how they die, or if not, they'll die of a heart attack in like 40 seconds or something. It is very similar to your story. You might want to look into that before you write something you think may be unique, but ends up being a story someone already wrote. That happened to me with Kill Bill (sigh...)

Overall, Very Good in my book. :)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I remember your logline - it's pretty powerful, great premise.

The story feels kind of short for me, is it enough of the premise to carry onto a hundred pages?

The first ten read a little slow, not much happening, just a lot of people dying. I think you could cut Josh meeting Gloria and have important stuff in. What is Josh' struggle, is he bothered by his powers (if I can call it that) at all? It's ten pages but there's not enough of who Josh is in your ten.
And there's too little about Nikki, I think. I wish their meeting was unconventional, otherwise there's no chemistry between them (for me).

Again, great premise. I think you could rewrite it and make it more exciting.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An interesting premise. The scenes are structurally sound, allowing Josh's everyday life to unfold apparently to indicate that he leads a somewhat secular existence. Some definite intrigue at the end of page ten -- Josh exposes his deepest secret to Nikki. Assume all the characters have been introduced and, since "Every person I (Josh) come in contact with dies," that Gloria will likely be the next person to go. Really curious about where the story goes from here.
All that's known about Josh is his age -- 25. A glimpse of his personality by description or action would be helpful. Josh is in the street when the Business Man, "Ahead of Josh," is hit by the car. Josh didn't appear to have any contact with this man, so it's unclear whether his death is related to Josh or a random act.
The setup for "Walter's" death is in the notebook in Josh's apartment; the inferred payoff is in the "Coffee House" when Josh reads "Walter Rice's" obituary. The character of Walter doesn't seem germane to the story. If Walter is the Business Man, there's the question of what contact did he have with Josh.
Nikki's introduction as "A Girl" doesn't provide much descriptive information about her except she's in hurry, bumping into Josh and rushing for a bus. The interaction between the two seems inconsistent. Josh discourages Gloria's offer to help "set him up" but allows Nikki, a stranger, to get into his car, ultimately signing her death warrant. Nikki "gathers a last sense of Josh," but decides to get in his car anyway. He tells her "You're going to die in a week" and instead of fleeing for her life, she joins him for a burger. Unfortunately, the scenario is confusing.
Some terrific potential with this idea. Perhaps delay Josh's contact with Nikki. There would be conflict because he wants to meet her but not cause her death. He could investigate how to stop the dying and connect with her for a happy ending. The logline was an "excellent," and still is.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm going to start off by saying that I really, really like this so far and hope to see the finished script. I'm already wondering how he's going to be able to save her... And I hope he does...

Your writing is very lean. I like that to a point. It can become difficult to stay in the story without more meat in the sentences, though. I'm going to include comments these times. Watch for parentheses.

Page 1 - "Parked cars separate him from the mass (of) people."

Page 2 - "A couple machines active." I really want more description here. It doesn't take much...
Drop the "But" in "But Josh closes..." You used the word in the previous sentence, and it really isn't necessary here.
"He makes a wide turn..." Find a better way to describe this. Show the reason for the wide turn through his actions.
"A paper courier exists." I know what you mean, but say it in a different way.

Page 3 - "Why no girl has snatched you up yet?" Try "Why hasn't someone snatched you up yet?"

Page 4 - The two scenes - "INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT" and "EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT" - need more detail. Have Josh working on something specific in the first, and be more specific than "kids" in the second. "Kids" could be five to twenty for many readers.

Page 5 - When you introduce Nikki, introduce her as Nikki, not the girl.

Page 10 - Take "rolls" out of the ambulance sentence and "The" out of the last sentence.

That's it. Very well done!

I really like the morse code comparison on page 6. I really like the story so far. I don't think I voted this very high in the logline contest, but I'm really glad you made it to this stage. Very intriguing.

Very good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

This whole idea kind of reminds me of the tv show called "Pushing Up Daisies". Love the concept. This is the first one so far that starts off with what exactly the character flaws and how that's going to conflict with what the characters have to go through. Nice setup. Nikki should have a name from the start instead of "Girl" maybe a little description after the first introduction since she is a very important part. Great storytelling skills. I'd love to read the rest of the script.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice high-concept idea. I like films that take a high-concept idea and really treat them seriously. This idea really demands to be taken seriously.

You've started here but I think we need some more rules for how this works. It seems if he touches people he can accelerate it, but by just talking it's around a week. If these rules are established early on then Josh and Nikki can start trying to work around them.

The solitary life Josh leads is really sad, but necessary. Hopefully by the end he will have found a way to end this.

As with any high-concept idea, there is some backstory that should probably come out at some point. Did his parents die? If he was raised in an orphanage then wouldn't the whole orphanage die? Or maybe it only manifested at puberty? Why haven't the police noticed that everyone he comes into contact with dies? This information will probably be given soon, but these are the questions I had in mind while reading this.

Very good.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

This is a good beginning. A couple of observations.

The character Josh strikes me as numb to life, even as he takes the life of the janitor. He doesn't seem very sympathetic. I would love to see some glimmer of humanity in him, something to hang my hat on. I'm sure that, once he falls in love, we'll see a lot more depth develop in the character, but I think you need to give us something earlier. I want to love this character and want to follow him.

One other thing that bothered me: if everyone he touches will die, why does he live in a big city? Seems like the Mohave Desert or some remote Canadian island would be a better place to live so he can spare everyone from his affliction. Is he there for a job? Family? It would be helpful to clarify that point.

I'm not sure where you go from here. I'm curious to read the rest of it, as I can't see an entire movie in this concept.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

You plunge right into the story here & although your logline was brilliant I now wonder how you're going to squeeze 90 pages of story out of it. I would have thought spending more time setting up Josh's character before leaping straight into Nikki being touched by him – I presume she's the woman he falls in love with?

I thought a lot of the central dilemma would come from him not being able to touch her for some time. I'm not really sure where your story will go, it feels as though you're put the whole first act into ten pages with no hint of what is to come.

I'm not finding Josh particularly interesting – as Nikki so rightly points out – and I'm not hugely bothered by what happens to him – he basically murders someone to prove a point to Nikki and that does not endear me to him.

The characters are rather bland and one dimensional without any description to lift them off the page and the dialogue is a little stilted in places.

Your grammar is poor in some places such as the opening four lines on p2 – illuminates – I think you mean glitters or shines..--- the city fading with life – I think you mean the city life fades.

Ypo p2 exists/exits

Lines such as 'Gloria, with slight disappointment, hands Josh his change for the coffee' are completely unecessary as they tell us nothing to do with the story or character. Cut that line and your script loses nothing.

'Josh works at his desk' – doing what? Give us some clue about this guy.

You introduce Nikki as a GIRL – this makes me think young like, 10-13 which later becomes obvious she isn't.

'The bumps in the road simulate a morse code conversation' – way too flowery and purple for screenwriting – how will this be seen on screen??

'becomes very nervous' – Josh eyes her, nervous – the latter is much more immediate.

P7 typo – close them/close to m

Nikki starts to fiddle – Nikki fiddles - is better craft

Your craft needs honing and unfortunately this hasn't grabbed me as much as I thought it would.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Yeah, this won't do at all. So he proves his point by murdering another guy?! haha, that's just ridiculous. Why would he do such a thing, he could have just done it through some other way, doesn't really make it morally ambiguous anymore.

Besides, and I'm not sure if you know this, but it's similar, there's a certain Japanese Anime around called Deathnote, it's almost exactly how you describe it. The cause of daeth can be written down and then the person dies in that way. The whole week seems to come more from the Ring-japanese-horror films.

So, it's kind of mixed-up plot elements. Not really original, but I don't mind. But you have no idea how much you hamper your own idea by letting him just murder a person. I mean, sure he doesn't really react to the world anymore. Atleast that's just nihilism, but to just go out and murder someone is just weird.

Too bad because I really felt like you had something. Besides this point, I'm not too sure where this movie is heading. The logline doesn't show anything else besides this and I have this nagging feeling that you don't know where this is heading either.
what's the 30minute surprise, what will this story be about? Him trying to save her, what makes her more special than the janitor?

I really can't get past the janitor. So cruel.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: I guess this is the story of Josh, but I think another title could work.

Logline: I remember this as one of the loglines I was intrigued the most by. It is brief and leaves us with very little details, but I think it's a promising story.

Page 2:

-Okay, so it's the people that Josh makes eye contact with that will die?

Page 3:

-Philadelphia is an enormous, bustling city where, sadly, pedestrians are probably struck and killed everyday, so it doesn't sound right that Gloria would bring it up to Josh and it doesn't really serve a purpose anyway.

Page 5:

-Just introduce the Girl as Nikki when we first meet her.
-"womens" should be "women's"
-The parenthetical (wryly) is a little too much to the left.

Page 6:

-Nikki taking a ride from Josh feels a little too easy.
-Parenthetical again.

Page 7:

-Parenthetical.
-You should've probably established Josh and Nikk's relationship first, have Josh fall in love, then ended page ten with, "You're going to die in a week."

Page 8:

-"thats" should be "that's"
-Okay, so it's the people that have physical contact with Josh that will die in a week. I might clarify that in your logline, and be careful of treading into "The Dead Zone" or "Unbreakable" territory.

Page 10:

-It took an ambulance only ten seconds to get there?

I'm sorry, page ten killed this whole thing for me.

Josh is going to, for all intents and purposes, kill some poor janitor working the night-shift just to prove to some girl he just met that he's telling the truth? Do you expect us to be sympathetic to that? Why couldn't Josh go out and find some low-life drug dealer to exemplify his "powers" on?

My initial score was a Very Good, but the events of page ten cause me to score this a reluctant Good.

I think you're going to regret that plot-point; I doubt I'll be the only reviewer to comment on that and it may prevent you from continuing to the next round. Please rethink it.

Good.

Good luck to you.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You do a good job of carrying off the beginning without a lot of dialogue - given Josh's condition, we'll probably see a lot of that throughout the script. You've managed to make the situation workable, and telegraphed the one-week timeline early, so we can believe this isn't going to get boring quickly.

The logline is fantastic. The first ten showcase it well, but there isn't much that happens in those first ten that I didn't get in the logline. I more fully understand the rules of the game, though not entirely. Of course, I can now see Josh's personality, as well as his ladylove. Josh himself is more morose than I expected, or maybe just morose and not more. I figured we'd meet a sad person, but unless he's got some spark of optimism, or pluck, or something unexpected, it feels like this is going to be a joyless slog. By the end of the first ten, it almost might turn into a thriller. In fact, that's the unexpected and unfortunate turn: Josh actually kills a guy on purpose, to prove a point. That drains all his potential likability away.

Nikki's reaction are hard to swallow as well. She might jump into this stranger's car, that a character trait. I don't see any spark, any connection yet. Josh reveals his secret to her, but I'm not sure why. Then, Nikki's reaction to the dead janitor is speechless silence, from the moment of his death, until the EMTs arrive. That's gotta be twenty minutes. I understand you can compress that in film time, but what does Nikki do? At the very least, I'd think she'd run. Get away from this guy. Better, stronger - she'd turn on him. Yes, she wanted proof, because she didn't buy it. To prove it, though, is morally abhorrent, and if she doesn't think so, this has to turn into "Natural Born Killers" fast, to make it make sense. She's also going to ask a lot of questions about her own impending demise.

The logic of Josh is also questionable. Why is Gloria immune? She's pretty chummy for someone who's met him less than a week ago. Is this a recent development? If not, who raised him? How? There are so many questions raised by this premise, that to simply expound on the premise in the first ten seems like it hasn't been delved into deeply enough. What would a person like this do for a living? Hitman? How does Josh pay the rent? These are all questions I was willing to have answered when I read the logline, but it seems like nothing is being answered.

Perhaps you planned on answering these in the next few pages, but the way Josh exists in the first ten don't seem right, not controlled enough. This is not to compare, but check out "Black Cherry Lane" from this competition. There are tiny details throughout those ten pages that show how the smallest thing taken for granted must be attended to in a life-altering situation. Josh should be more careful, more isolated, more particular in his manner. He lives with an out-of-control condition. The guy in these first ten pages doesn't seem careful enough.

It's still a fantastic idea; a little more thought would make for a very dramatic story.

Richard Scott (Level 2)

Not sure where to begin. I really can't buy in to this at all. Is Gloria exempt? Maybe we meet her fate later. Is Josh a Sociopath? He has to be, or at least, he's had all humanity beaten out of him.

How am I supposed to sympathize and relate to a character who willingly and knowingly incurs death? This "problem" he has, it's a little fantastical, but it could work if we were shown more of the emotional problems attached to it, and the measures he is taking to co-exist with others without being a giant detriment. Considering his condition, he just murdered Nikki in cold blood, at least to his knowledge (I imagine this will somehow be worked out, but he doesn't know that yet).

This is a tough story to maintain. Everyone he talks to has to die eventually, and some back tracking is needed as to how this happened (does he know?), when it happened, and how long it's been going on. There's just a million things wrong with this, and I can't see it working at all.

If he had this condition as a child, how did he develop properly?
With this much death surrounding him, police would be watching this guy like a hawk.

He meets this girl, and now the two of them are going to somehow find a way to kick this problem in a week? Not sure if that's the plan, but really, where else do you go?

I could go on for hours. This needs a major re haul in premise if it is to go any where, but without making it an extremely deep and complex emotional piece, or a ridiculous surreal comedy in the tradition of "Epic/Disaster/Teen/Scary/etc etc etc Movie", I vote scrap it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

There are elements in this script which like your logline are straight to the point and don't give us any freedom to work things out. You pretty much spell out stuff for us.

Before that I should warn you a bit about typos and little grammatical errors. They tend to be distracting and take me out of the story. A good once over to check for those makes the readers job much smoother and more engrossed in the screenplay.

What work does Josh do specifically? In all those scenes where you establish his loneliness we never get a sense of what he does for a living or how does he usually pass his time.

The opening felt a bit slow paced to me. Your character isn't actively involved in seeking a solution to his problem but is in fact looking to avoid problems altogether.

What I can deduce from the ten pages is very little. I know that,

a) Josh is lonely.

b) Avoids contact.

c) Whoever he physically comes into contact with dies within a week.

But the fact that he can will them to die as well, seems a bit surprising to me. That element and the little dialog he has with Gloria at the start kept me interested.

But the slow pacing with his moments alone; then at the laundry, where dialog was really need and Nikki accepting his offer and taking in the confession about her death without much resistance gives this a slightly forced dramatic moment.

This needs more memorable lasting visuals and I believe you have the skills to add those plus pace this up quickly.

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought your logline was one of the strongest so I was looking forward to your story, and while the concept is still good, the first ten pages don't pull me in. You spend a lot of time with Josh not doing much.. walking on the sidewalk, going to bed, pulling down the shades. Your first ten pages should really pop.

The meeting with Nikki seems odd to me, I mean, she would be freaked out by someone telling her she was going to die in a week. I know I would, yet here she sits in a coffee shop with the person who told her that. Wouldn't she react a different way? Sure she says that makes him interesting, but we don't really get too much of a feel for Nikki.

When Josh purposely kills the janitor (and why a janitor, are they more dispensable?) just to prove his point, made me lose all respect and sympathy for Josh, and I would imagine it would do the same for Nikki.

If you're going to pull this off, you need to have Josh do everything he can to warn Nikki and showing her he's telling the truth by killing someone else off, is just not working for me at all.

You've got a million dollar concept, you now need to back it up with a script that will sell.

Good luck with it.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

You've got a really great idea here. Even though it's a lot like "Pushing Daisies", in the previous contest I gave your logline an Excellent. But your first ten pages don't live up to your logline for a number of reasons.

First, it's moving much too s-l-o-w-l-y. Like a snail. You've managed to get the key point in there (the fact that he causes death with his touch), but it took a l-o-n-g time to get there. You could trim so much out of these first ten pages. For example, on Page 2, the scene where Josh sees the Philadelphia skyline. That entire scene can go. It adds nothing to your story. Another example, on Page 4, Josh leaves the coffee house, then there are two meaningless scenes in there (including "Josh works at his desk" and "Josh goes to bed"...b-o-r-i-n-g), then he's back in the coffee shop. Why not just skip the two intermediate scenes and smoosh all the coffee shop stuff into one scene? (Then shorten that.)

Second, I think you're trying very hard to adhere to the "show, don't tell" rule (and that's a good idea) when you have Josh do things to show us he's avoiding people. But in a lot of cases what you end up doing is "showing us by telling us". For example, on Page 2, "He makes a wide turn at the corner to not bump anyone." How does the movie audience know that's why he makes a wide turn? There are some other "show, don't tell" violations, too. When the girl in the laundromat "tries to find a chance to flirt" with Josh, what will we be seeing on screen? And right smack in the middle of Josh (the protagonist) meeting Nikki (his love interest), you've written, "She realizes the posted bus schedule is no help." How do we know what she realizes? And (more importantly) at this very important moment, who cares about the bus schedule?

Okay, third, and most importantly, you can't have your protagonist intentionally kill an innocent janitor just to prove a point. That makes him a murderer. Up 'til then, as far as we know, he's just a guy who's cursed with a deadly touch. But he's a good guy. As soon as he kills the janitor, he becomes a bad guy. Have you ever read "Save the Cat" by Blake Snyder? He says every screenplay should have a "save the cat" moment early in the script, where the hero does something that makes us like him. What you have (on Page 10) is a "reverse save the cat" moment. You start with a likable guy, then he does something that makes us like him less. Probably not a good idea.

Anyway, I liked your logline a lot better than I liked the first ten pages. I think they need some work.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I wish Josh had just a little bit more personality, or a side to him that is shown through his daily functions - which are rather boring and mundane, which I'm assuming was the point, and that's fine; However, we should have a little more something that will attract the audience to Josh because, as it is, we don't really give a damn about a thing he does, or who he is as a person; He's just walking around avoiding everyone and being mopey and aloof simply because he's afraid people will die when he touches, or they are touched by, him.

The initial setup with the guy walking and getting hit by the car was good, though it could stand to use a little more suspense. Almost as though Josh was following him to ensure he died. As of now, it seems like Josh was just walking around and a guy happens to get hit by a car and Josh writes something down afterwards... not very entertaining to watch since it doesn't lead us anywhere. Then, after all that happens, we get a better idea of Josh because he's telling us exactly what everything is, rather than you showing us what he is.

The love story beginnings was a nice touch and is a nice setup that will eventually turn into something. We know we have a week between the two, and that Josh has the ability - for a lack of a better word - to kill with his touch; so, we're left wondering if Josh will try to reverse it, or if together they will embark on some sort of lover's journey before she dies, with both of them coming to the realization that death is inevitable. Maybe Josh will somehow die too and it will end in a Romeo and Juliet style lover's death tryst?

Not bad.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Barely getting this review in time... rating Very Good... will expand on it in a post-vote review. Well done.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this script was very good to excellent up to the point of Nikki getting into Josh's car. From that point on it was too easy. The conflict needs to start there -- where she does not take the ride, possibly leading to Josh following her. She thinks he's insane and he begins to fall for her as he's trying to warn her of the danger she faces. You would have so much tension and emotion in the chase, a dual chase -- the chase of love and her death, where there is a mutual attraction, both trying to save each other. Having them together that early ends that buildup which is an important part of the conflict.

Proving to Nikki that he is correct by killing the janitor just makes me dislike Josh and not sympathize with his cause and/or curse. To end the man's life over lunch does not endear Josh to your audience. He goes out of his way to not come into contact with folks, yet he is nonchalant about ending this man's life? It doesn't work for me.

How was Josh able to control when the janitor died and not the other man and/or Nikki?

Again, this is a very marketable premise, and well written. I would try to get the most out of the love/death angle and have Josh, though he may be numb to causing the death of folks, I would not have him kill to prove a point.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2010 12:20 AM

You got a VG from me, sorry about that. :)

Bill Delehanty (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2010 12:23 AM

...looked like alot of people had a problem with page 10...

Herman Chow (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2010 12:47 AM

Yes, at the end it kinda flatter, BUT the first 9 pages were good. I wished you can fix up page 10 and then continue to finish the script.

I'd like to know how Josh escapes his "curse".

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2010 12:54 AM

Bill, have you ever seen Death Note? I find it funny that I'm not the only one to mention it. If not, I think you'd enjoy it.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2010 1:45 AM

Bill, this was 1 of my 4 Excellenst of the month. Great script!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2010 2:58 PM

Honestly, I'm one of the people who absolutely called bullshit on the final page. I can't believe you went that direction. You go out of your way to say that Josh doesn't want to come into contact with anyone, then he blatantsly kills somebody.

I was really invested in the story and I admit your logline is unique.

I hope you continue writing on this though because the premise is really strong.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2010 3:40 PM

Hey Bill, not to beat the dead horse, but I think the concept for this was great, this was one of my favorite loglines and it's a story that has potential, but the janitor dying was, as I predicted in my review, a huge turn-off. Please reconsider it.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 6/2/2010 9:27 PM

Bill,
I barely got your score in before the time limit was up. Here are my comments.

I remember that I didn't like your logline at all... that it seemed ridiculous that everyone Josh came in contact with would die.

How pleasantly surprised was I that you found a workable direction for it and did a fine job? I thought your pacing was fine and your handling of the difficult plot well done.

I have to agree with some of the others with regards to Josh killing someone to prove his point. You need to find some other way. Glad it's not my job!

Anyway, I think you have a good concept here and I also firmly believe that you can write this. So keep at it and let us all know when you are done.