Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I really would have liked to see him react as a machine. You have about a page to do so, and I would have loved to see it.

I am not sure I understand some of the action and dialog pg 2 and 3. We kind of want to get to the meat of the story which doesn't come until the end of page 4 and then it is over.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was good, but predictable. May be because of the contest. Any way, the way you ended the story didn't really satisfy me. I knew he was dead after she pushed the button the first time. I waited for something different to happen to add something to the story. But nothing really happened.

Angela Guess (Level 2)

This script is awesome! So so cool. One typo, but I'll overlook it because all the other scripts I've read so far have been... less than stellar. But this one really blew me away. Very inventive, very well written, and very well done! You'll finish at the top for sure.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I like your story due to its very possible nature. Organic computers are not out of the realm of possibility.

The first and last scenes are very dramatic and held my interest. The middle act, did not. You have a full three pages of just Betty and Tony talking, and the plot does not move forward. Neither character is strong enough to keep me interested for three pages.

It would be helpful if Tony could expound more about his contract. Why did he agree to it? What are the terms? It doesn't have to be purely exposition. It's common to review contracts between parties. It wouldn't take more than half a page for Betty to review the terms Tony agreed to. Don't give away the ending, just tease us a little.

The testing portion is rather bland. Having Tony flip switches and read numbers is not interesting. Have him recite pi to the 51st digit. Let him use his brain to accomplish things he never could previously. Build the mystery to the punchline that is your final scene.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Well, I'm a little confused. I don't get how time is working in this. Is it chronoligical or do we flashback after the opening scene?

"human brain bristling with wires" sounds cool, but what is it? Have they added the wires? Were they already there?

Those few things make this a little hazy for me. I absolutely love her cold replies that "it was in the contract" - very funny.

A quick read. Fast paced style - which I like a lot. The story itself was just so-so. I'm voting GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted well. The story was pretty coo. Even though I read it last month, I still enjoyed it the second time around.

My main question would be what phase two is, but I suppose it's ultimately irrelevant in this script. Still, you've got an interesting concept here and I think you should give some consideration to expanding it. If not to full feature length, at least several more pages so we get more of the backstory on this program he's in.

Anyway, nice job. I still like this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Like the title.

Is scene 2 a flashback? It's confusing.

I don't like being spoonfed but I found the plot difficult to fathom out. Not exposition but more clues would have helped, especially as you had space. It was mostly scenes of Tony having to comply or he'd be punished - which could have been contracted then something MORE could have happened.

Little personality in evidence

Some people really hate the use of (beat) in dialogue so it's best avoided.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Perfect title.

I like the mysterious opening and the ending is wonderful.

But, I wish I knew a bit more about this man. I'm not quite sure I understand what it is he signed up for. Also, what is the purpose of phase one? It's all cool and creepy, but it also left me a little confused.

I think with a very small rewrite this could be great.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I liked this one but it left me with a lot of questions.

So here's my best guess regarding the story's plot:

Tony, who is perhaps some sort of low-level criminal or mobster, signs a contract with some kind of shadowy agency. The contract states that when Tony dies, or is near death, the agency gets his brain. Tony manages to get himself shot, the agency harvests his brain and he "wakes up" thinking that he's his old self. He passes a battery of intellectual competency tests and moves on to phase two not realizing he's really just a brain in a jar.

I liked the flow of the piece. The story clipped right along and kept me wanting to know more. I was really looking forward to the final story twist. And when the pay off finally rolled around it was well worth the time and effort. But my main criticism is the fact that, after reading the script two or three times, I'm still left in the dark on several plot points.

If you decide to develop this story I would suggest giving your audience a few more clues regarding exactly what is going on in the plot, and flesh out your two main characters who came off as two-dimensional.

This would be an easy script to produce which could make it highly attractive to a producer or director.

David Birch (Level 5)

i really enjoyed the writing on this one...just right blend of dialog v. action...would be more effective as a longer piece because it would give you more space to set up your characters and their motivations...specifically, i'd prefer your scene heading to be just a little more specific...(i.e. later, moments later, same)...as opposed to just night...only so i can get a feel for a passage of time and the pace of your story...small quibble, nothing earth shattering, but a really good job...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, I like the concept, if I have it right. We have a facility where people are turned into computers, I prefer the interface, but the contest requirements, uhg. So, cool concept anyway, but the problem is, just revealing this after four pages of mystery, makes the story itself flat, well, even hides the story itself. Sure, a guy signed up to, "live forever(?)" but this is cloaked too.

I think the concept should be the backdrop. A unique setting is here, but no real story, just a revelation about this facility's purpose.

I like your main character however, dialogue was natural, it does deserve a good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

In the last scene we find out that Tony died in 2020. When does the rest take place? If this question had been answered I would have liked the story even more!

A few notes: “Tony looks up at the screen with a twinge of fear.” Consider deleting the word UP.

“Tony stands and approaches the screen.” Consider deleting the words “STANDS AND”.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is interesting, you kept me guessing to see what will happen to Tony. However, when it comes to the end, I don't exactly understand what had happened.

I'm guessing the opening scene is where Tony is going to die in the hospital, and then his body is subjected to some type of experience to bring him back to life?

The brain inside the jar, I assume that's Tony as well. But what's the point of the experiment? How does the experiment permits people to live forever?

I hope you can add more stuff at the end to make it more clear. Or you can tighten up the middle part.

The good thing is your writing, it's concise which made it a breezy read.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

this was a cool idea. I liked the dialogue between the man and the woman on the screen, the way she kept repeating it was in the contract. I didn't think it while reading it, because I didn't know what was going on, but after being done I thought you could have made the man even more frantic about his situation. The woman's attitude on the screen would have been even that more detached and puzzling. I would have liked some more at the end in the lab. This was a good idea and would have liked to experience more of it. I guess you don't want to take away from your shock value but I just didn't want it to end already because I was enjoying it.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It did not hold my interest throughout.

The characters were not developed enough to make me care about them.

What about perhaps replacing contract with program or operating system to give the audience a chance to catch on before the end? By not knowing he's a machine til the end, it makes the first several pages just too confusing and in need of a reread.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I like the title so far.

I see where you were going with this, but you failed to mention a couple of things that were key to your story.

You said that Tony died on July 19 2020. What date did your screenplay take place? I'm assuming after this date and they are using his brain and placing it in a robot.

The only reason I figured robots is because your title. "Man in the Machine". If it wasn't for that I would have been completely lost. I know you hinted at it by saying "They were thinking they would live forever" but I don't think that was clear enough.

I did however like your writing style.

I'll give this a Good.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A Solidly good concept; Brains being put into human bodies for rescucitation. What I don't get is why the harsh treatment of the patients who are seemingly participating in an involunaty testing procedure. I feel that the idea, while it is great, was not exploited all its worth. Dialogue and descriptions were good in execution, but the actual content was boring. I still give it a Very Good because of the idea and the good writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Man in the Machine sounds familiar. Sorta like this script I read called Source Code. The idea is definitely similar. Man wants out but can't etc etc etc. Instead of a male instructor there is a woman. That aside this is a different script but I don't know if this really meets the its alive contest. I do like the exchange between the characters though it does sound genuine. I'll give this an excellent.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is very well written. An easy read. Nice twist in the end. Creepy.

I can't suggest on the improvements, maybe to know what they kept them for would be nice though.

Very Good work, I think.

You know I gave it another look, I think it's overly original - told from Tony's (brains) POV - deserves an Excellent.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The blood pouring from Tony's chest as he is rushed into a hospital is a compelling image. Perhaps a little more information about Tony, other than his age, would help with a mental picture.
The story is rather dialogue-heavy. Could be a little more revealed in the exchanges between Tony and Betty that sheds light on the story or on the characters; much of their discussion seems to center around "the contract" and "phase one." The "Interrogation Room" scene is quite lengthy. Maybe break up the one scene by moving Tony around to a different location or two and give him, hence the actor, something to do.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A cool story. Every time I had a question, you seemed to anticipate it and answer it. The dialogue felt natural throughout, and Betty blended in perfectly with her twisted laboratory setting. The unique twist at the end, which included the contract to "live forever", was sneaky and well-done.

Excellent.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the idea of a cautionary tale about reading what you sign (I'm only half kidding - the idea that you could legally sign away your life at some point is terrifying).

Wow. Great ending.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

There are some interesting elements in here but I’m not sure if I got this right.

So, Tony died, but his brain was kept alive, right? So the guy we’re seeing… is he some kind of robot remotely controlled by this brain? I’d suggest simplifying/clarifying this.

Also, it’s cool to open with some mystery. You need to raise questions in the reader’s mind (which you do very well), but also, make sure you’re giving some answers as you go. I reached page 5 without a clue of what was going on.

You want the reader to be intrigued, but you also need him to be involved. And some level of understanding is required for that.

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - OK

The first read through was tough. The second time was a bit easier with knowledge of what was going on.

The concept is interesting in the sense that many people would probably like to be able "stay alive" in this way in some future society. And I like the idea that the brain still thinks of itself as the whole person.

What I don't understand is this "behavior modification" process that's taking place. There's no real explanation of why or what the result will be.

One oversight, I think, was on page 3. Betty said "Press button number twenty three" and the response was "Tony flips the switch". The actions should have matched.

This didn't wow me and I think it was because I don't have any idea what the ab techs intended to accomplish with the brains.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

You have not read about Source Code yet. That's basically the premise of the movie. A guy in a machine being used by a higher company to fullfill some training/mission. I do like the concept, it just isn't that original anymore. Besides that, I think you could do more with the world he is trapped in, make it loads more visual. Hell, if he's trapped in his mind, why does it have to be a simple room, can't it be anything?

I do like how you let the story progress and the reveal, but it needs more visually memorable bits. Title is really covering the material and still interesting, so good work on that.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm not quite sure I get this all in the end. After his death, is Tony's brain being used as natural intelligence computer? Tony seems like a bit of a dimwit, so I guess that's why he's in training?

Your screenwriting is good. Format appears in order. There are a few minor typos.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

One of my ideas for this month's contest was about cryogenics so it was sort of similar in the idea.

I'm not sure exactly what was going on here. Did Tony sign some kind of contract that when he dies his brain will be kept alive? If so, why was it called an interrogation room? It's not like he was a criminal or anything. Did I misunderstand that part?

The writing was fine and so was the story. My only suggestion would be to make it a little more clear so it doesn't leave anyone confused in the end. Maybe I'm the only one that didn't get it all! :D

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one felt as sterile as some of the scenes depicted in the script. Good opening. Dove right into the action but we're never given any back story to Tony and don't know what he's fighting or what he hopes to achieve other than resistance. Betty's cold, caluclated computer speak runs a bit long and the middle of the script drops the pace a bit. By the time the Lab Tech and Betty exchange the reveal, there's no room for an emotional build up, so the script just kind of ends. We don't see or know enough of Tony's struggle to feel for his loss in the battle. You have at least 3/4 of a page to at least give a glimpse of what Tony left behind. Still, you complied with the script challenge and presented a readable and format friendly script, if you rewrite it, try to give us a little more of Tony so we feel something at the end.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I wasn't exactly captivated by this script, but it's a good little sci-fi story with some decent imagery. I think your ACTION is what lends itself to the most improvement. It's very safe, which means it didn't "wow" me. Sometimes simple is the best recipe, but I would have liked a little more pizazz in the descriptions.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well written script, I liked the dialogue between Tony and Betty in the room when she was interrogating Tony. The ending fizzled a little bit for me, it was a little predictable.

I thought the title was strong and I enjoyed the back and forth banter with Tony and Betty.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

That was really good. I have to admit, the end took me totally by surprise.

On the other hand, it was a little bit of a let down, too, because I was anxiously waiting to see what Phase 2 was gonna be for Tony. But, for us readers, there was no Phase 2 -- just the big reveal, then The End.

But I still enjoyed it very much. A unique and clever story and well suited to this contest.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I really liked the premise of this and I liked the way you handled it.

I'm not sure what Tony has actually signed up for though? I get that he is dead and his brain is being used as a computer but is that exactly what he's signed up for? If not, what is it that he agreed to?

Not alot else to say really except that you did a very good job. My fave so far after reading 21.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I don't know if I get your story or not. I read it earlier, and I thought I did. I just read it again, and I think I don't... or maybe I do.

Thinking about it, I imagine that you intend to shoot this as through Tony's eyes or, better yet, his conscience, his idea of himself. So, I'm going to evaluate it with that in mind.

In that light, I get it.

The concept is pretty good. I like the idea, and the way you show it goes well with it: Sterile.

Structurally, I would say the narration works. There are things that I find to be out of place, but that is so because they are actually not at all there and I think they should be there.

The way I see it, you are leaving out the juiciest parts.

Let me see if I can say what I think.

I think you have an ambitious project here, but, for it to work, you need more than five pages. What I mean to say is that, for me, the most interesting part of your story is: Why?

You have a good start here. But what I really want to know is whatever happens in phase two -- and phase three... four?

These five pages are not bad, but they are kind of an anecdote more than anything else. You know? the first minutes of a movie -- but a good one.

I don't think I can give you very good grades, but I can give you bad ones, either. I just hope that you consider thinkig futher in this story, and you come up with something awesome.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Strange story, what a creepy idea at the heart of this script! Overall, I don't find the story itself all that compelling. It more a way to expose the truth behind the scene, rather than a complete story. If you could throw the foundation of this into a compelling narrative, it would make for an interesting piece. Good job, and best of luck!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 1:37 AM

Thanks everyone for your comments. I seemed to have confused a few people. As a psychological sci-fi I expected that. The real sci-fi fans out of you all wanted to know what phase two was and what the purpose was, good for you, because that's the interesting part, but alas you can't do an truly thought provoking and entertaining story in 5 pages.

Some of the art of screenwriting is writing for the screen and not writing a short story. You don't get everything on the screen, you don't get inside the characters head, and you rarely see their past or dreams. You see their action and the type of person they are by how they react to their environment. You have to picture your story in your head and ask what will this image say. Too many people write short stories in screenplay format without truly thinking about a film. Do so at your peril.

Thanks again,

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 9:03 AM

Oops! -- "but I can give you bad ones, either" was menat to be "can't" give you bad ones, either. Sorry.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 1:11 PM

I figured that was the case Teo.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 8:37 PM

I will certainly read the rewrite if you choose to do one. I forgot to say that not only did I find the concept a unique setting, but compelling to this, uh, well, I do call myself a sci-fi fan.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 9:46 PM

I checked out 'Source Code' and I'm not sure how it relates at all to this story? Maybe the story has changed since it went into production?

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 3:51 AM

** Spoiler for Source Code:
It's about a guy, who after an accident, gets trapped in a 'mental' place. His brain the only thing left alive. Then he has to do a mission for a mysterious company. So, I guess that's pretty much the same.

Only he gets inserted into this type of reallife-simulator thing. Eventually you find out it's actually some kind of time-travel.
**

Least that's the draft I read, they don't tell you this upfront in the synopsis, it's a surprise in the script too.

Anyways, those are the similarities of your script, unless I misunderstood your story.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 2:27 PM

I see, as I read the movie description it said it was about a time traveler that must relive a bus bombing until he figures out who did it.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 5:09 PM

Weird, draft I read was in a train and the time travel was definitely a surprise at the end, when he finds out he can actually CHANGE things instead of just observe them.

Still, it's a good idea, the brain in the box, but at it's core it's the same as The Matrix. Which was inspired by plenty of psychological/philosophical stories too.

I think the only way to really put this into new perspectives is to play with the dreamworld, like they do in Source Code. It's not just about the brain-in-the-box, it's about stopping the bombing too.

Remember there was this really good X-files episode about sucha thing too.

Not to piss on your idea, we obviously think on the same level, I just feel it needs a bigger angle. Still enjoyed it.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 5:56 PM

Well, shucks, Keaton. Looks like I Kursed you. Deep apologies.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 8:11 PM

Yeah, I know, thanks Kyle.

This was a retelling of a longer short I had. Basically the brain is used as a computer for a space ship, because smart computers won't work in hyperspace. The brain on the other hand doesn't realize what it's doing it sees the controls as strange tasks he performs. But yeah, it might not be that unique.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 10:38 PM

Chris - I didn't get any reviewing done last month, but I just read this and it's Excellent! I can't speak for anyone else - obviously - but the idea is new to me and I love the way you executed it. The tone of each character's voice is so distinct. Everything is simple and elegant...

I think I could film this...

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2010 12:21 AM

The idea was a simple to shoot psychological film.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2010 1:59 PM

Well, I actually love the brain-spaceship thing, and then the Man In The Machine within that.
Sounds like the psychological/philosophical proposings of Alan Turing: Turing-test, or the Chinese Room. Read up on that, it's really good, fits with your theme.
Not saying it's unoriginal, I think actually there's a really original story in the brain-space-ship thing. It's a level complexer than what you currently have and I really like that ambition.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 5/7/2010 9:42 PM

Chris, you have a great concept here. Really would make for an interesting full-feature film. Good luck with it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/9/2010 4:34 PM

Great script! Congrats on high excellent rate! And high production value, the only challenge is mushy brain stuff... (for many it's not a challenge though).