Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was great. I loved the horror in this piece. What I didn't like is the ending. Let me tell you my opinion about sad ending. The hero usualy tries his best, he wins at some point then he loses. When he make an achievment before the ending we don't feel so bad about it. He tried his best. You lead character here didn't score any thing at all he was a total loser from start to end. Another thing, things didn't really get really bad to make him throw himself under a train, he killed a boss and banged his own mother what's the big deal. You need to give a better reason for a character to make him cut his own arm.
Good job,

Angela Guess (Level 2)

Clever, and I like the twist at the end, but totally gross. You're telling me the mom was just dying to bang her son? Ew ew ew. The writing itself is pretty good with just a few typos, but it's just a bit too low-brow for my tastes. The jutting breasts, the smashed head, the cliche Chinese man. All no-no's.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I have to say, the ending really made it for me. Loved that ending. It had some really disgusting moments, and I mean that in a good way. Horror needs to be disgusting sometimes. What is up with the mother - ugh!! That was probably one of the scariest parts. Ok, maybe scary is not the word, but it definitely gets a reaction.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your story is unique but Carl and the tattoo are bland characters. Their reactions and dialogue do not help define them. It's almost like Carl is a bad actor that's just going through the motions for a paycheck.

For example, Carl finds out he had sex with his mother. Not a prostitute, or ex-girlfriend, or even a guy. His MOTHER! His reaction? "This isn't happening." I would be freaking out. If Carl doesn't take the story seriously, then why should I?

Try this:

"SHEILA
It was everything I dreamed it to
be. And it cleared up your eyes.

Carl tries to talk but can't find the words.

CARL
M-Mom?

He collapses under his own weight. He tries to stand. Sweat beads on his forehead.

CARL
You're my MOM!! What the hell is wrong with you?"

A bit over dramatic but it gets the point across.

Scene two transitions abruptly from showing off the tattoo to moving out. There is no segue in this conversation.

Before the scene in the boss's office, can you give us an establishing scene of the company Carl works at? When I think of the word "office", I immediately think of cubicles and white collar workers.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

It's GOOD.

The train and him losing his arm was a little weird. And what is it with the trains in this - are we supposed to link the client being hit by a train to Carl using a train to chop off his arm? You don't hear of somebody getting hit by a train everyday, so the fact that you included this is what throws me off.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written and formatted. This was insanely creative.

The story was dark, twisted and pretty cool. As for him boning his mom... haha.... I can't believe you went there, but I got a kick out of it. There isn't much else for me to comment on. I thought you did a really nice job on this. You clearly know how to tell a complete story and there weren't any technical errors so I guess my advice is to just keep doing what you're doing because it's working for you. Nice job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title intrigues!

Straight in there - I like it. Too many scripts have pages of intro that don't further the plot.

While I'm not a great fan of incest (?!?!) this was a very good script.

In fact, my first Excellent!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

-What I don't get a Fade In?
Hahaha, This started a little slow, but then got real interesting. The fight and the tattoo eventually moving, good stuff. I could dig this for another 5 pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Totally twisted and dark - I loved it.

Carl is a great character and the devil tattoo is awesome. I love that you don't pull any punches in this script from the cheese grater, to sex with his mother, to the dismembered limb. It is all viscous and it all works (although I fear some might find it too dark to enjoy it).

Still, I though this was excellent. Awesome ending and perfect title.

David Birch (Level 5)

"wrapping a bathrobe around,..."...is awkward and uses the passive form of the verb...always try to stay in the active form, whenever possible...so...i'd go with "shelia WRAPS a bathrobe around her - smiles - as she walks to the couch."...something like that...as far as the story goes, i'm not clear as to the motivations of carl getting the tattoo...and what was the whole incestuous relationship with his mother...also, you should write that as soon as you introduce shelia (say it's carl's mother)...i liked you dialog (not too much direction between lines...nice)...thought that flowed really well...thanks for an interesting take on this month's challenge...

Dexter Williams (Level 3)

This is the kind of story that makes me think twice before getting any tattoo, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. A guy gets a tattoo that has a mind of its own. The tattoo makes Carl commit gruesome acts. Characters and story are very good, and the Devilhead tattoo is very eerie. Very good story.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A tattoo that comes alive! What a creative idea. Well written and amusing. Very good.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is both thrilling and haunting. You packed a lot of plot in this script, and I appreciate that. But what's missing is the characters.

The protagonist Carl doesn't jump out to me. Right now it's the plot that drives what he does, not the other way around. For example, it feels too easy for Carl to just kill himself on the rail track. There was no hint that Carl was able to do that to himself. It takes a lot of courage to commit suicide. I didn't quite empathize with Carl.

Some dialogues are really on-the-nose. Like the boss talking to Carl about laying him off. Laying people off is a hard thing to do. It didn't sound true for the boss to just blunt it out like that.

I liked the ending though. Seems like Carl can never get rid of devidhead. This set ups the sequel.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

It is a good idea to have a tatoo possessing the kid.

I didn't feel like i have enough background on why the tatoo artist would give him this tatoo, though. She must have known what was going on, why did she do it? It felt a little forced because I don't know why it is happening. She said it was just ink.

I don't know what is going on with the mom. Scenes with the mom seemed unnecessary and distracting from the story. Also, why would a company cancel it order because the owner was killed, did they go out of business?

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Definitely original - tattoo comes to life!
Personally I 'd like Chinese man and Goth chick to have names. Something that
tells a bit about the characters. That's minor though, good job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Give Goth Chick a name. She's important to the story.

That whole exchange with His mother was strange. "I like your skin unmarked" I don't think anyone would say that out loud. And I don't understand what the sheer gown was for. Why mention her breast?

You should put in your heading where Carl works. I'm scratching my head trying to figure out what kind of "shop floor" it is. Home Depo?

Oh okay, the moms description makes sense now.

That cheese grater scene was intense. I cringed just reading it.

Is it Devilhead or Devil Head? You have both.

NO! Ha! That was actually a funny/horrifying ending. I just wonder why was it making him do those things?

This was well structured, though. A little rough on the descriptions and dialogue, but overall, Very Good. :)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great story and title. The devilhead tattoo was a nice comical touch. You could benefit from tightening up your sentences. The scenes were described well, but written rough-around-the-edges and your transitions from one scene to the next were very sudden at times. Interesting characters and equally interesting were the predicaments they found themselves in. The ending was expected, but it was executed so properly (a great final shot with the eyes going white) that it gives the script a unique flair. Very Good Work.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

There are waaaaaaaaaaay too many characters bouncing around. Goth girl red ink, devil head, carl, old chinese man, nurse. Too many in 5 pages. The dialogue is so expository.
Example: You must not let the blood of the immortals see ... Why did he have to tell us that? I immediately get where you are going with this but its like you aren't sure that I get it. I get it. Maybe if you started with the old man giving him that but the plot just goes all over the place. The idea is good but the dialogue is so on the nose. I wish this were less talky. Devil's head needs more charisma. Again, cool concept but the plot is not for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the story. Reminds me of Drag Me To Hell. Yours is a fresh idea though, the devilish tattoo - nice twist.

I liked that the tattoo moved.

I can't believe Sheila was Carl's mom in the first place. When he said "Mom" for the first time it took me of guard - she was in a sheer nightgown saying corny stuff.

And then looks like Sheila liked it - I'm not saying it doesn't work, it's just took me of guard. I hope I understood it correct though, Carl "hops in" doesn't let me be sure - where from, from the bedroom? Actually I'm kind of sure I understood it correct but don't know if everyone will.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The "red grinning Oriental-style Devil Head" is colorful.
Carl tries to pick-up the Goth Chick who gives him the unusual Chinese Man tattoo, yet Carl doesn't display this trait again in the story. Carl seems to react more to situations than call his own shots.
Devil Head's comment that he should have had Carl's boss "pushed in front of a train too" infers that the tattoo had something to do with Carl's cohort who got run over by a train. Not clear how Carl's new tattoo could have anything to do with the coworker's death.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Incest. Good luck getting this one produced. It's a fine, creepy, gore-splattered horror fest which would work fine on its own, but the implied incest is gratuitous and unnecessary. Not sure why you thought it necessary to include it. Deleting that part wouldn't lessen the film's impact at all. Substituting the rape of a stranger would, oddly enough, be more likely to be palatable to the general audience. There it is.

But, as I say, it's a creepy ick-fest to the end. The visuals are well-defined. Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was really scary.

I liked how you mixed horror and humor, often at the same time.

The ending was also good.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Very creative take.

The ending was definitely the highlight. Loved how the tattoo moved to another part of the body to save his ass, haha.

For five pages, I think you have too much going on here. The subplot with the mother, with the boss, the tattoo thing, etc. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t take your time with the scenes; I felt like they were rushing by too fast.

For example, Sheila wanting to screw his son… This is not normal. This plot point would require some sort explanation for the audience to buy it, yet is quickly presented as something natural in this world.

Same with the tattoo. I like “the blood of the eight immortals” thing but, IMHO, a little more backstory about this plot point will surely help to make it more believable. How could this dim witted goth chick get hold of such powerful/dangerous relic?

Perhaps, a more focused approach, could let you dig deeper into your story.

I think it’s got potential, though.

Good job.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like your title.

I thought this was an interesting story, a creative interpretation of the contest.

Most of it I liked. There were parts that didn't work for me, and some of the dialog seemed forced.

In your opening action line you introduced the tattoo artist as "a mean focused GOTH CHICK". I think you meant to have a comma between mean and focused.

Then you have the tattoo apparently on his shoulder. Later he's flexing his arm making the tattoo move, and at the end he has the train sever his arm to remove the tattoo. Why not just tell us the tattoo is on his arm originally, not his shoulder?

You also have some places where you can tighten your writing - "As if in a trance, Carl strolls in right up to beside Ray who does not bother to look up." This might be better as - In a trance, Carl shuffles up to Ray who continues his work.

Good story, could use some additional attention to detail. Nice ending.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

There's an episode of X-files about a devil-tattoo making the owner do things. So it's not the most original piece of work, or idea. I do like the way you portrayed it all, you write well. I was hoping you would take it into a more original direction. The tattoo takes over story has been done quite a few times, most recently I read one at Popcorn-fiction. Which even had the tattoo move up the arm onto the neck, into the ear.

So I like how you write, but I think your material needs a healthy dose of originality. Perhaps you were unfamiliar with the other stories, but still, it seems like you took the easy-way and didn't really present much new. Give yourself more of a challenge and change your dynamic a bit.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a lot of fun. Disturbing and surreal in spots, but great imagination and creativity. I'm almost done reviewing for the month and this stands out among the rest in interpreting the contest's required theme.

I wish I had a little more explanation about Carl and all these events, but I know in stories like these, that's not always necessary.

Your screenwriting is good. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Interesting take on the "it's alive" assignment. I liked it. Thought it was quite clever.

It was an easy read and kept my interest throughout.

The only thing that didn't really seem to fit to me was the part of Carl's mother wanting to have sex with him. That seemed to come out of left field for me. Maybe the tattoo could have talked to her in a way totally out of character for Carl instead. Without her knowledge of course. Her thinking it's Carl.

Anyway, I'm voting Very Good on this one. Good job and good luck. :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Gotta admit, as much as this one made me uncomfortable at times, it delivered. Love the title. The Goth chick didn't need to return but I would have liked to see a second appearance somewhere by the Chinese man in order to give his warning credability. The Shiela/Carl scenes really pushed the envelope but I liked how you didn't show what's implied. I think if you have foreshadowed the train tracks, it would have been even more powerful. It's such a monumental scene I thought it deserved more build up in the script. Still, the ending packed a great payoff and I felt that you not only nailed the challenge but you executed the story within the 5 pages by pacing it almost perfectly. Nicely done and for me, half-way through, this is the best overall script I've read.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ahhh.. a devil coming back to life over and over again. Good idea and for the most part I enjoyed the script. I think you've done a good job with your characters, they seem real and even though the story is a little far fetched (of course), it's entertaining.

I wasn't sure what Carl's mom was talking about when she came out of the bedroom, 'It cleared up your eyes' ?

Good job, it was one of those 'like you're in a bad dream' sort of stories. You think you're going to be okay, then something else happens and you're back in your nightmare.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kind of a creepy story, but it all seems to unfold a little too quickly. The spooky Chinese guy warns him, then -boom- he loses his job, -boom- he whacks his boss, -boom- (and yuck) he has sex with his mother, -boom- he tries to lop off the tattoo. It seems like it might be better if it all happened a little more slowly and subtly.

But, that being said, it is a pretty spooky story.

My score: GOOD.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like your story. It makes me think of some horror comics I read back in the seventies.

I like the concept, the structure, and the story; but I think the style could be improved -- and I hope you excuse my saying so because I don't say it as a criticism.

Simply, sometimes you put down information which relevance to the story I fail to see even after reading sevral times.

For example, the opening scene: What is with Carl and the Goth Chic? I see that he is atrackted to her, and she sends him to hell. No problem with that. But what purpose does that scene serves? Why is it there?

On the other hand, your description of the characters seems to me a bit criptic -- for example "mean focused." I uderstand what the words mean, but they actually don't tell me anything.

Then, I find that some of your sentences seem construted in a very unusual way, for example whe you write "Carl strolls in right up to beside Ray who does not bother to look up." If you asked me, I'd say that English is not your first language -- and I say that with no hint of disrespect, I'm an ESL myself.

The O.S. on top of page four, in my opinion, should be a V.O. since Carl is not in the scene. The action takes place in the living-room, and you say that Carl "hops in," presumably from somewhere else.

I lke that you used a slug for the kitchen.

The Devil Head telling Carl he still needs to get other seven tatoos is great. It makes you wonder how much worse things can get.

Then, I don't quite understand the O.S. in the train scene.

And the ending is great. The Devil Head crawling up Carl's neck is awesome. Great Job.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a fairly well written piece, but I'm not the biggest fan of the way it was executed. A talking tattoo is a pretty cool idea, but the language it uses is so restrained while the actions it makes Carl perform are so over the top gruesome. The two just didn't seem to jive well, in my mind. Since that's the core of the script, overall I feel that this is lacking. Like I said, well written and formatted, but not for me. Cheers!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2010 12:15 AM

Congratulations on your Honorable Mention. I loved this script. This is definitely my favorite of yours.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2010 12:16 AM

One of my two Excellents - loved it, Elias. Well done!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 1:43 AM

Congrats! You got a VG from me!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 8:04 AM

Congrats on the HM! Although I am not the biggest fan of this script, I did give it a good, and am glad my opinion is not the consensus. Cheers!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2010 10:02 AM

Elias, I had this pegged as my top overall script. While you didn't place, I hope you know that it deserves strong praise. It's a wonderful script and I wish you well with it.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 8:10 PM

Wow, thanks. And a couple of favorites from moderators? A special validation. Thanks Chris, Caroline.

Yeah Rick, it did better in the VG and EX percent than a couple on top, but overall I guess the fairs held me back. Maybe it was the, uh incest? lol Might give it a rewrite and float it out to Inktip. I need to identify the reviews I need to act on. It may please you to know that your review was an issue before you gave it. A writer I know said there was no set-up for the train tracks, so I added the train horn, and dialog. It needs more I see, thanks.

And as always a big thanks to everyone who took the time to do the reviews, even if they didn't get to mine.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4) ~ 5/3/2010 8:39 PM

Awesome job! Congrats!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/6/2010 12:20 AM

Glad this one is on top, I thought it was a VG at least. Gave it a VG. Congrats!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 5/7/2010 9:21 PM

This was a very entertaining script. Congrats on the HM, well deserved.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 5/10/2010 5:14 PM

Great work! You can really play on this and make it a feature.

Other than some minor proofreading, you just need to have Carl really freak after realizing he had sex with his mom.

Well done with great pace. But this definitely needs to be a feature. Go for it!

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 5/11/2010 12:05 AM

Thanks guys, it feels odd getting so many congratulations, thanks.

And yes William, Carl's reaction was pointed out by a reviewer who even tried to help by rewriting the scene a little in their review. You backing that up definitely makes that a rewrite point, thank you. Btw, a friend mentioned feature potential, hmmm...

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/11/2010 9:47 AM

"it feels odd getting so many congratulations"

Get used to it! You're a great writer :)