Comments Made During the Contest

Angela Guess (Level 2)

I don't know how to rate you, so I'm going to give you a fair. THe story is pretty well written, and it is grammatically sound. But yorr story leaves a lot of questions unanswered, and I didn't feel like the gore served a purpose aside from just being really creepy and, well, gory. I think you acheived what you were going for, and maybe it's just not my taste, but I think the story definitely left some explanation to be desired. And I think you could come up with a better metaphor than an oyster.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I have no idea how the title fits the story. If "Pia" has some symbolism to your script, it may be lost on your reader.

Camera direction such as "close on", "pull back", and "reveal" are reserved for the director and the shooting script. Leave them out.

The first voice over of Father Aaron is misleading because we're focusing on Charlie's lifeless body. We're going to associate Father Aaron's voice as that of Charlie. Try to have Charlie be the first to say something as we focus on his situation.

A blood splatter from ten feet away is a bit far-fetched. He's only stabbing her eyeball.

Your story is good, but complex, and requiring more than five pages to fully develop. I need time for the plot points to sink in before advancing to the next one. This script would be better suited at ten or more pages.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I haven't given many of these this time around, but this is EXCELLENT! A spelling issue somewhere (should be "an OLD MAN" on page 3), but let's not let that get us down.

Very violent, very dark. I like this. I enjoyed the twist of the Father being to killer.

You have a nice clean style that flowed well.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted very well. No errors or typos that I noticed at all.

I don't think the title pertains to the script at all but maybe I'm missing something there.

The story itself was pretty cool, but a little bit confusing. I still am not really sure why he'd take the eyes, especially from 1 victim but not the other, but really I don't understand why he took them at all. I was also a little confused as to how Father Aaron transformed in to The Libra. Is he some sort of monster? Or was the transformation meant to be more metaphoric?

This was written so well that you're still getting a high score from me despite the few points of confusion I had. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title? Relevance? Pia Mater?

While I don't usually like camera directions, your opening sequence was well done.

This is simply excellent! I have nothing I can say about it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

FIrst, I don't understand the title, is the girl named "Pia"?

Visually, this is brilliant. So many fantastic images.

However, the story is a bit hard to follow - it feels a little too jammed into five pages. I like the voice-over dialogue, but I wish it all didn't feel so rushed.

I think if you took a bit more time with this, expanded it a bit, it could really be excellent.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Really good execution of style/mood/tone. I knew exactly what sort of story I was in from the start and that carried through straight to the end. And I loved the use of daylight in the subway car scene at the end of the script. very powerful moment.

I got the impression that this story wants/needs to be told in more than just five pages. Also, all of the "definition of hell" V.O. stuff (particularly on page 3) went on a bit long and, ultimately, felt convoluted. It seemed to me there were places where all of that exposition could have been edited down and made leaner/meaner.

The V.O. in one place at the start of the script switches back and forth between Charlie and Father Aaron, not sure if that was a typo or not, was a little confusing.

Overall: a taut, visceral story with a couple of moments that packed an emotional wallop.

David Birch (Level 5)

never orphan a scene heading, so include foyer in with INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK CITY) - FOYER - NIGHT...the heavy use of voice over is a bit of a turn-off, but if you think it's necessary, then, as they say, "you're the writer"...wish there was a little more backstory here, because i had a tough time connecting to your protag...but an interesting read...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

It may be me but I think you should name the Lovely Woman. (Pia? I don't see the relationship of the title to this story otherwise.)

This was very intriguing, but hard for me to follow. Some unique ideas from the Libra/Father Aaron spoken however. Good job altogether I think. There is more to this story, needs expanding to flesh out Charlies character, both Charlie, and The Libra/Father Aaron.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

wonderfully written.
Not quite my kind of story but you are a master at telling tales.
Wonderful attempt at this month's theme.
I cannot offer any good or encouraging advice as it was good.
thanks for the read.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

An unusual story that was hard to follow but I really think I’d like the visuals on screen. Here are some notes.

“Ten feet away from Charlie’s body…” Consider instead: “Ten feet from Charlie’s body…”

“Speaks in a growl. THE LIBRA Don’t fight it. It’ll hurt less.” Consider instead. “THE LIBRA (growls) Don’t fight it. It’ll hurt less.”

Be careful with pronouns. There were several places where the word HE was used and I wasn’t sure who you were talking about. Example #1: “As Charlie passes, he gets up and follows.” Is HE Charlie or the homeless man? Example #2: “He pulls out two huge hunting knives.” Is HE Charlie or THE LIBRA?

“Charlie stumbles past a OLD MAN…” Should be AN old man.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This reads smoothly with interesting elements. The story did pull me in but somehow I am left a bit dumbfounded as to what actually happened.

Maybe I'm not that familiar with the bible or legion, but what's the purpose of Charlie coming back to life again? Why did the Libra kill the woman, and then revive Charlie?

I'm assuming Charlie wants to take revenge for the lovely woman. What's with the homeless man and the old guy helping Charlie?

Although there are many questions unanswered for me, I still think it's a beautiful script.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I do not understand the title?
I read it through once, do not understand it completely, why the father is the killer, what that means. But I like it. I like the rythm of the script. I like the voice over mixed with THE LIBRA's dialogue. I like when it flashs back to the Libra repeating what he said. It became hypnotic, the flow of it. Now I'll have to go back to make sure I understand what happened.

I like how the camera keeps pulling back further in the very beginning. With each voiceover, more of the scene is revealed. That was nice.

I felt like you were in control of this script. You weren't in hurry, you only said what you wanted to say.

OK, he wants to see the face of god by looking at himself in the reflection of her eyeball?

Then those that he let back into the world out of the oyster gather to avenge their "deaths".

I thought it was excellent.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It was a bit hard to follow for me. If you give clearer descriptions of each character upon their entry, it may help.

Very dark.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"A lovely woman, nineteen" That's a girl, not a woman.

"normally cheery, but not tonight" How do we know this?

So is the Libra a monster?

Why didn't you give the "lovely Lady" a name if she was going to come back? This story was okay. It was a lot of talking, and then what seemed to be random violence. I know it was explained at the end, but I still thought there could have been more story to show us rather than tell.

I'll come back and give this a second read, because I'm not sure if I'm entirely understanding it.

So I read it again and I think that the woman's spirit came back to life in the mans body. I think... was he dead while he was speaking to the the Libra? I dunno.

I'm not sure what makes this confusing, but I just don't get it.

What was or is a "pia"?

John Ward (Level 3)

Took me a couple of reads to get the flow of this one. I do like it a lot, but I think it would benefit from a little tidying up. For example, the first flashback could be more direct so that you have END FLASHBACK to spell out where it ends. Most readers have a lot of scripts to get through, so you have to make it as simple as possible for them to read. I wasn't sure about the ending, but perhaps this is because I don't know the mythology of 'The legion", and my ideas about "Libra" come from the DC comic 'Final Crisis'. But I did like the pacing, and the story - but I think you could really have something great with a bit more thought on the structure.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I do not understand the title nor the ending. Does the title refer to a person's name? What's with the flashback at the end of the script?

The story moves through macabre scenes of torturous death with the point of identifying the narrator as the killer himself. While that served well to peak the excitement within me, I was let down with the paltry ending. Bringing in Legion was cool, and perhaps it would have been better to just leave the script off at the Libra's death, perhaps with a new vioceover with the main character putting in his two cents.
Overall, this was a Very Good entry and I enjoyed reading it twice. Just wished it had ended better. Great writing, keep at it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Pretty strong images and nice visuals, I'd say. But I think you need a rewrite.

Right at the beginning I think you could keep either "dried" or "caked" - omit one since these mean the same in this case.
I do not understand what you stressing by "He WAS twenty."
what is "pull back"?
I'm not against alternative formatting but it's just makes it hard to understand what you intend to have on screen.
p2 - HER BODY - whose body, same nineteen year old girl's?

Good transitions, but overall it was a little hard for me to understand it all. --maybe it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written. Nice variety of visual locations.
No doubt a great deal of thought went into this story. The gruesomeness of "dried, caked blood" on a 20-year-old, a 19-year-old (Pia?) strangled, and eyes cut out with a knife is vivid and definitely squirm-worthy. The VO is a bit preachy, kind of a lecture. It's likely the saga would still be clear without it.
Not a fan of the subject matter, but the structure and description is top-notch. Very easy to read.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I don't understand the title in context with the story. In Latin, the title could be interpreted to mean "Pious One", I suppose, but even then it would have a feminine construction. You'll have to explain it.

I have to take issue with Charlie's line: "I am Legion", especially in a script which affects to dabble so freely and expertly in interpretations of hell and Sheol. Who, according to the Bible, is "Legion"? That's your homework for tonight. One Wiki search later, you'll quickly realize that Charlie couldn't actually be Legion, and that this is a gross misuse of the term as used in "religious" circles.

I'm also puzzling over The Libra's name. Clearly you chose it on purpose. Astrologically, The Libra is the Scales, right? But this guy doesn't seem to have any interest in "justice" as such, I don't think.

So, overall, you've got a very interesting and stylized script, but some of the details appear rather suspect.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Not sure I understand the title. The story was very cool though. Loved it. Great writing, awesome atmosphere...for me that was the best part.

I was a little confused on exactly what was happening and how, but I got the idea. Enough that I wasn't left scratching my head.

Nice work here.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like how you built up a mythology (I guess that's the right word for it). It had a similar tone and treatment of religion as Constantine did, and I really liked that movie.

The voice-over worked well, and made the plot easier to understand when it could have been too complex.

"PULL BACK TO REVEAL..."
Camera moves aren't normally used, but I didn't really notice them when I was reading this script. They could still be removed easily if they bothered someone else.

In the end I wasn't sure what relevance the title had, but I looked it up and it seems to fit.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The mythology here is just amazing, but I gotta say it, it's a bit hard to follow at times.

I enjoyed this, but I would have enjoyed it a lot more if the story was a bit simpler, specially considering the restrictive page limit.

I understood that one soul travelled from one body to another. And I kinda understood why. But then Legion shows up (a demon right?) and I couldn't quite follow why.

I love the way he showed up though, with all that following. Great take on "For we are many". You got style.

The writing was top notch, speaking of which...

Opening with a close up of a strong visual is the way to go, IMHO. It's a good way to hook the reader right from the start. But there's no need to include the technical terms in the script (close up, pull back, etc).

Your descriptions are clear enough to convey the shots you have in mind. Trust the reader's imagination.

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I don't understand that title though I'm sure others here will have some thoughts.

When I got to page 2 I felt like I had been watching a movie for about 5 minutes.

My next thought was how simplistic my entry seems compared to this.

I enjoyed it all the way through, the dialogue, the mood, the slow pace. I read it slowly not wanting to miss anything.

I got the sense that the following crowd had also experienced this rejoining of body and soul. Is that the case? They came across as almost zombies - blindly following, fighting en masse, some losing. I wasn't sure what to make of them.

This is only my second 5-page contest to review, but I'm marking this to see if I know the author.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

There's a brilliant story here, but it's trapped in excess. By which I mean that you try too hard to create a tone. For example, there's a single sentence flashback at the very end. That's too short and unneccessary, no emotional impact. Also, a flashback earlier shows a scene we have just seen. That means we see the same thing twice in a time spn of 3 minutes. You get the problem of this.

I like the story of Father Aaron. It's a really strong voice-over, but then at the end with Legion and the other souls it just becomes confusing. And I don't mean the 'i-don'tget-it' confusing. I mean the 'too-many-elements' confusing. I think there's a better way to tell this story.

Still, at it's core it's really good, just the tone you immediately set. There are also too many camera directions and others will call you out on that. Still this would look good on the big screen.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Who is Pia? Is she Charlie's lovely woman?

I liked this one a lot and it's written excellently, but I must confess, I immediately had Father Aaron pegged as The Libra.

Your screenwriting is very good. The format might not be standard, but I was able to follow everything and that's what counts the most. Didn't detect any major typos.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Well...I certainly liked the title. :-)

The story, I have to admit was a little confusing. I read it twice. I didn't really get The Libra and Father Aaron part. I did however like the oyster idea and thought that was interesting.

You probably meant Father Aaron (V.O.) instead of Charlie's...

If you could make this story just a little more clear for dummies like me it would be quite an interesting good story I'm sure.

The writing was done well, I just didn't get the story so my vote will be Good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Did not get the title - unless it was the woman. I thought the opening was a little too directed on paper. I understand reveals gradually but in a five page script, there's not enough room for direction of the camera. I did foresee the Charlie-Libra-Father Aaron connection coming. Maybe introduce something or someone to let us think it could be someone else. The pacing felt a little jagged. Maybe more time spent with some of the victims before they emerge at the end would be better. The ending really threw me. It's clearly Charlie's story but what did he want to achieve and what was your intention for the audience to feel after viewing the film? Were we to feel happy for Charlie? Relieved? Truthfully, I didn't understand the ending in relation to the story. I think it was ambitious and answered the challenge but I would have preferred a more straight-forward story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very spooky and eerie, but it's what I call "a wandering story". You're making it up as you go along, so it has no boundaries, and it just goes where it wants to go. Father Aaron's voiceover starts out really good, but after a while it becomes nonsense -- he's just making it up as he goes along -- and at that point it loses interest (at least, for me).

What is "The Libra"? Is he just a serial killer? Or is he some kind of supernatural thing? Why did the homeless people follow Charlie? Why does Charlie say "I am Legion"? Is he a demon? Are all the homeless people demons? How would we, the readers, know that?

That's what I mean by "a wandering story"? You may think that it's great that a story has the freedom to go where it wants, but it's not really great, because a story needs context. That's why vampire stories work (for example). We all know the vampire legends, and the stories are constructed within them. They may have some slight variations, but if so, those variations are explained to us and the context of the story is adjusted accordingly. Without that context, the story just goes wherever it wants, and it's usually not very satisfying.

That's my biggest comment -- the story and its background need a little more definition.

Other than that, it was pretty enjoyable.

p.s. Where did the title come from?

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I enjoyed every moment of this script; every line was like the chain of a bicycle and you the foot on the petal, turning and turning the chain until you squeeze the brakes and the whole unit comes to a screeching halt that is the end. I loved it. Today you are a winner.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I've read this twice as I was a little confused after the first read. If I understand this right, The Libra kills people and cuts out their eyes so he can see what they see - the face of God. That's a pretty good premise but I have no idea where Charlie, or 'The Legion' comes into it.

A few nit-picks;

How can you slowly strangle someone? How do we know that Father Aaron is normally cheery? The V.O. felt a little disjointed and it would have been interesting to see how this played out without it. I think it might have been a lot more creepy if we didn't know why The Libra is doing what he's doing until the end.

Lastly, I don't think you need the CLOSE ON and PULL BACKS. Are you directibg this yourself? Still a good effort though and very imaginative - I just don't feel you quite pulled it off with this draft. With a little reworking this could be very special.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The way I understand it, there's no PULLING BACK in a spec script, which is, as far as I know, what you are writing. If you don't know how to say what you see in your mind without giving camera instrutions, you should just think harder because there is always a way to say whatever it is that you can imagine.

You get to your fisrt scene, "INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK CITY) - NIGHT." Then you use another two lines to point the slug "FOYER." First of all, do you really need NEW YORK CITY thrown in there? I'm asking because there are better ways to let your reader know what city the story takes places and also because, unless you have a scene taking place somewhere else, it may not be that crucial to know the exact city. Anyway, you write "INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, FOYER - NIGHT," and you already got yourself two extra lines to play around.

Regarding Charlie's first V.O., hell is not where the souls go to await judgement. That place is more like Purgatory -- although not quite because in Purgatory souls are not waiting so much as staying for good.. just, neither up nor down, but rather in the middle. In any case, Hell is where the damned souls go.

No CLOSE ON's in spec scripts, either.

Well, OK. I just read to the end because middle of page three I'm lost. Sorry, writer, but unless you format this properly , it makes no sense to me. You throw flashbacks, and V.O., and camera intructions, and a whole array of things that do nothing but cluttering whatever is that you are trying to say.

With respect to your story, I have to admit that I don't know what it is about. That could be I, thoguhg, so I am giving you the benefit of the doubt with my grade.

Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a twisted story. I like the way that you've told it, the narrative is pretty engrossing, but a few things gave me pause. The repeating visuals during the VO are one. You repeat much of the initial action during the last part of the VO, mainly Charlie's resurrection and the important events surrounding it. This repetition seems more suited to the end of a longer script, rather than directly after we've seen it all. Changing the VO timing to coincide with the relevant event would solve this problem.

Second, the ending. It's very dark and haunting, but I find myself with a lot of questions. How did Charlie find him so quickly? He's The Legion? Dark sounding, but where is it coming from? What is the angle? Why would The Libra sit and chat with Charlie the whole time? Does he not recognize the man?

Overall, I think this script is really solid, but I think extending it to flesh out the a plot a little more would help this a lot. Cheers, hope you do well!

William Wilson (Level 3)

Wow where to start...

I thought the dialogue and V.O. was very well but on the other hand your story seemed rushed and it was just a cluster of way to much happening at once!

I mean i know you only had 6 pages as the limit to write up to but man there was a lot going on in fact there was to much going on! That it was distracting me from enjoying the story.

I give "Pia" a 6 out of 10

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2010 12:14 AM

WHY WHY WHY didn't this win? Really, Kirk, I thought this was brilliant and not even an Hon Men.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 1:22 AM

I LOVED the title!!!!!!!! ;)

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 10:00 PM

I really liked this one Kirk...nice job. :)

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 10:59 PM

This got an excellent from me! Should have placed for sure! Nice job.