Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Title: Don't think the title fit this piece. It should say something about male dominance or something like that.

Premise: I like the idea. A woman asking for something different, and getting a gender reversal. Seems like that is what she wants until she gets it. Might fit really well in a full length with a ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE type of of plot.

Style: Your writing is fine. Your structure needs some work though. You could have accomplished a lot more here with some creative dialog.

The End: I like that you reaffirmed your theme with the end, but I still didn't feel a conclusion or resolution. It seemed like you need a couple more pages to finish it.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Where is the dead and/or inanimate object? It's an interesting premise, but I don't think it fits the contest guidelines.
There is a lot of voice over. Almost the whole entire piece is narrated. Try having more of the story come out of dialogue and action rather than just telling us what is happening. You need to be more visual.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The title is very vague and doesn't fit. The story is not about Hatira coming back to life, it's more about her choice to be a man.

The grammar in the dialogue needs work. You're using past tense in present situations. "I’d kill you" should be "I'll kill you."

The lines are also very terse. "I grew up. Got married. Higher social status." easily translates to "I grew up and married into a higher social status." Longer sentences flow much better than short, two or three word phrases.

How does Suraya know who Halid is?

I don't understand the ending. Halid is happy that he has a daughter? What about his father? Did he get his approval?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This was going very well until the last page. Maybe it's just me but you lost me. So Hatira comes back as Halid, but Halid already had a wife and daughter? So did Halid die and Hatira occupy his body? That's where I got confused.

I found it very interesting when she spoke with the creator - interesting choice for it to be blinding brightness. I liked that choice. I wanted to linger on his question though, and not have her response. You show me her answer over the next page anyway, so I'm thinking you can let that question sink in - That was a powerful question.

This is GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was formatted okay, but all the VO and foreign character names make it somewhat hard to follow. This script comes really close to not meeting the requirement in my eyes, but it's still here so it must be acceptable.

The story was fairly simple, but lacked a climax or twist at the end. Basically, we've got a girl who's father wishes she was a boy, then she tries to kill herself, meets God and comes back as a guy that appreciates women. I don't know... It's a good message, but the story wasn't really much of a story to me.

One thing that irked me a little bit, and I could be wrong about it, but aren't alcohol, womanizing and lap dances heavily frowned upon throughout the vast majority of the middle east? Because of the location and names, I was under the impression these were Muslim characters, but I don't think they would drink, cheat on their wives or get lapdances as casually as it seems they do here.

Nice effort. Write on.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

DIALOGUE AND V.O. SUBTITLED - what with?

In this country, would alcohol be an option?

I have no recollection of my past as
a man. - I thought his past was as a woman?

A littel confusing but you have a good story here. I liked the daughter at the end. Try to make your dislogue more natural. Listen to how real people speak!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hmmm, interesting setting right off, good job.
- Move the scene heading at the bottom of page 1 down to 2.
I think you really butchered a larger and probably lovelier piece to enter this contest, which is a shame. If you did write this for this contest you need to reel in your stories, you have only 5 pages. I really never clearly understood what happened to Hatari, I'm guessing she was turned into a man, but who where? I'm guessing the same place and time, but I shouldn't have to guess.
- This is another that probably stretches the reanimation rules, but hell I'm sure I did.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was very powerful.

A young woman who has endured only pain from men since she was a child commits suicide and asks to come back as a man. In coming back she learns something about herself and he strength and is a better man than those she knew.

It's a little confusing the first time through, but I gave it a second read and am glad I did.

Well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

try not to "orphan" your sluglines (LIVING ROOM bottom of page 1)...a very ambitious take on this month's premise...dark...i would have preferred a few more lines devoted to the actual transformation of hatira since that is the main focus of the story...but overall a decent read...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I have to say I got a bit lost in this script. I followed the names OK, but the voice over confused me at times. The gender change was interesting though I’m not confident in my assessment of how that affected the attitude/voice of the character.

I guess the bottom line is, I was confused.

Parts of the story really rolled well and I followed the plot, then a twist threw me off.

DeAngelo Okotete (Level 1)

I enjoyed the pace of the story. The twists in the story are intriging, well done! The characters are very interesting ones, especially the main character. I am curious to see the othe places you can take the script. I took away from the story of the difficulties in which a person tries to leave up to someone else's expectations.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Nice b-movie ring to that title. It connects to the story also. I'm afraid I had an extremely hard time following this with all the voice over. It may just be I am tired. I like what I could glean from the script. I will try to come back later, and reread it for a more thorough score.

Well, I follow it just fine until the "switch" then things get dicey for me. I think it must be the constant shuffle between VO, OC, woman's voice, (why not just us the characters name?)

I did find this compelling however, the subject is a live one. It's asking for some hella suspension of belief, but that's okay, the point was made. Good job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A very important subject matter that, in my opinion, needs more than five pages to be told correctly.

When SURAYA is introduced, make sure we know that she is Hatira’s mother. It took me a while to figure this out. This can be accomplished very simply: “HATIRA, 6, on a bench, clings to her mother, SURAYA,. 20s.

Also “Drunken voice of ORPHA, 30s, shouts to them: Consider putting the detail in a dialogue parenthetical, rather than in an action line.

Consider instead: ORHAN (O.S.) (drunken shout) “Come here. I want to talk to you.

Be careful with pronouns. “Orhan brings his made bloated face close to hers.” I think I know who “hers” should be but, as written it could be either Suraya or hatira.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Hmm...this is a bit weird. It starts off pretty good but seems to lose direction.

It would be better if Halid actually confronted Suraya's husband, juicer conflict.

There are times I got confused with the characters and the relationship between them. Won't Suraya feel weird that her daughter's friend's husband is doing the comforting?

Anyway, it's a GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Is this a cultural thing in the middle east between men and women? I do not know anything about it but assuming, based on this, that it is cultural because the script seems more to be general about the culture than it is just about a few people's lives.

I liked the story and the sweetness of going home to a little girl and being happy about having her. The first part made me feel for the mother and daughter. I liked this part of the story more than the time spent on the husband at the bar after she turns into a man.

The couple of things of feedback I would have is that I wouldn't think someone who grew up with that childhood and still has her mom around would try to kill herself? I do not know anything about people in this situation, so I guess I really shouldn't comment, but that stuck out to me as I read it. I wouldn't think she would leave her mom behind.

The other thing was the first voice over when she becomes a man. Would she say she only has Hatira's memories or would she say only my memories? This confused me a little bit at first.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good! The story line is amazingly heartfelt.
A bit of a dialogue is slightly unnatural though and simply needs a bit
of rewording.

Pg 3 "throws a party but keeps on a leash". I did not fully understand that because wasn't it her friend that was having the party and her that was kept on a leash. Since that single statement is about 2 different people, it does not seem right to me. Perhaps, something like "attends parties while remaining on a leash". That seems more accurate.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"City in Middle East" Middle east of what? I'm assuming you mean a middle eastern country. Why not specify which one?

"Hi honey" I don't think middle eastern people say this.

"Hubby" Another word that took me out of the story. I'm sure you mean whatever the equivalent to hubby is in their language, but it just doesn't fit in my opinion.

You forgot to put VO by Halid's voice when you said "He still beats her. Bastard"

Hm... I thought there was going to be some sort of twist. I thought he was going to find out that he was abusive as well. That would have been cool. And then walk into his bathroom and find his wife dead.

I really liked how you took us out of the house, strip clubs and mad scientist rooms like everyone seems to love. The new faces in my head were refreshing. I like your writing, but I thought the story could have been stronger.

I'll give this a VG.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A very touching story. So many emotions in only five pages… well done. I enjoyed the happy ending, but I feel it was lacking for the awesome story that you developed here. I honestly feel that this should be told in a full feature format. There is incredible potential for a feature film here. Aside from the ending, the entire script was Very Good and I certainly felt Hatira’s and Suraya’s suffering. The set up and resolution were great and very well written. The ending wants to keep me from giving this an excellent. While I do understand the symbolism behind Halid’s last line, I still feel that there should have been something else there to bring an end to Suraya’s suffering as well. Perhaps it’s just me, and after re-reading this great script again, I’m going to go with an excellent. Well deserved, congrats on such a very human script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Something is up with the dialogue. I'm sorry but it didn't feel real. It didn't do it for me. The story is not too unique. It just didn't hook me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Unique and interesting location. .
Hatira at six is okay, but no information about Suraya except she's in her 20s. It's unclear that Suraya is Hatira's mother until later. Not much known initially about Orhan either. His dialogue seems inconsistent that in a "drunken voice" he "shouts out to" Suraya and Hatira a request for them to "Come here. I want to talk to you." Suraya has "fear on (her) face" but is brave enough to taunt Orhan that "Maybe it is you? I gave birth to Hatira after all."
The voiceover probably isn't needed. The "Female Voice," which should be identified as belonging to Hatira, repeats information and offers musings from Hatira that do not appear anywhere else in the story. She mentions her "father did not kill" her and she "got married," which is addressed elsewhere. "I was taught that women are born to suffer" and there's a tangent about "Somewhere over the rainbow." Hatira's reincarnation as Halid is a bit of a stretch.
There's a good story idea here, with the potential for some strong emotion.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Somewhere over the rainbow." The reference is too clear to be poetic. This exact reference has been used so often to depict childhood innocence in jeopardy, I'm not sure it strengthens your script. It pulled me out of it. Actually, the finest instance of this use of the song was actually in "Face/Off" by John Woo. I'd say you need to invent something fresh and creative instead.

"See Orhan, heavily drunk"... See? Just cut the word and start the paragraph with the guy's name, which is a much stronger opening.

A weighty content. The Middle-Eastern dialect seems to waver and falter, though, especially right at the end: "how great is that". That's a tumble into American pop culture. My only criticism of the execution of the script (beyond the unbelievability of the "Creator" allowing her to switch genders) is the lack of subtlety in the message. Allow the reader to figure it out. This script was a bit two-by-four-over-the-head as far as message goes.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Your writing style is very strong and evocative, and theres definitely a lot off good material and potential here, but I really had a hard time connecting with this story. I think the scope is way too large considering the length - you could really make a feature out of this plot. The downside to cramming all of this material in is that it is very hard to connect and identify with your characters.

On a whole, your characters feel very broadly drawn. I feel sympathy for Hatira because we see bad things happen to her, but I never feel empathy for her because I never see her pursuing a want, making a decision, or performing an action (at least until she brings her mother home with her at the end, but that close to the end it was too late for me). The biggest event of the script, it seems, is her talking to the creator and being reincarnated as a man, but again - there is no explanation for this, it is just something that happens to her without her doing anything to bring it about.

Speaking of the reincarnation, I had to reread that section a number of times before it made sense to me (and Im still not sure if I have it right). At first I thought it was a flashback to before she was born, but then was totally thrown when we met the two new characters - I think youll probably want to set this up much better in future drafts.

The ending also rang a little hollow for me. Is it pure chance that Hatira (as Halid) stumbles upon her mother. What changes inside Hatira at the end? Anything? Her arc was another thing that I felt was lost by cramming so much material into only five pages.

On a much smaller note, why refer to Hatira's VO as Female Voice when we know her character and the other similar VO gets the characters actual name?

Still, theres a lot of really good potential here, and I think that it could make a very touching story with some rewrites or expanding.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like how you used this story to explore gender inequality. It was interesting to be show a different perspective.

The story was a little lopsided. Maybe it would be better if there wasn't so much of her backstory at the beginning and we got into the change about a page earlier?

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s an interesting take on the challenge… an abused woman reincarnated as a man.

I think the set-up dragged a bit and could be trimmed. An abusive father, a cheating husband, or a depressed woman that commits suicide isn’t very original. What happens to her once she dies… that’s much more interesting and fresh… so I think you should get there earlier.

Furthermore, the setup is eating up more than 50% of the page count allowed. By the time she gets her wish, there are just two pages left, which isn’t much to explore the most original aspect of this story (the reincarnation).

Maybe you could focus on just one moment of her life (instead of many) so we can understand the decision to commit suicide? If you pick one moment that’s powerful enough, it can get the job done and help the pace of the story.

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I think it works well.

This is a nice story. I'm not quite sure how it fits into the contest, I guess the transformation from female to male.

I like the mood and pace. I get the sense of a dusty solitude, maybe evena sepia tone.

The dialog toward the end was a bit confusing. I'm not sure if some words were missed, or if it is written as you intend. Perhaps it will play better on the screen than the script. I also wasn't sure how Surya knoew Halid and his wife. It struck me odd that they would know each other.

In any case, I thought it was a sad and enjoyable read.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

REminds me greatly of Persephone. The tone and the way they talk. Does it have to be so stiff? I get the whole female-male thing in this undisclosed middle eastern country, it just doesn't resonate with me anymore. Seen too much of that. I find the whole body-switching a bit confusing. So he doesn't know who he is, but what are all the connections to the charcters now? Is his mother still the same? Is there still a Hatira. Did this guy always live?

I dont know, I get the middle-eastern impact, but it falls pretty flat for my own tastes. I do like the tone and the characters you create, though they all act stereotypical. Could be loads stronger. Why are all the middle-eastern chracters always the same? The docile mother, the mad father, the closet mysogynist.

I wanted more from this and I didn't get it. Still good craft.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love your theme here and I was able to adequately follow this up until Hatira becomes Halid, but after that I got confused, especially in the final scene. Is Halid going to try and start the trend of accepting women in his culture?

Your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked this one. It was fun to read a script that took place somewhere beside the typical English speaking countries and "English" culture.

I thought it was well written and a good interesting story. My only complaint would be the amount of (V.O). It also got a little jumbled when he turned into a guy, but other than that, I think you did a great job.

I loved the last part when he goes out on the balcony to praise girls.

Good Luck with this one. :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one covered too much ground for me. I wish, for a short, the conflict would be isolated to either the present or just one advance for a glimpse into the future. The opening drew me in. I thought possibly it would have been better to use Hatira's name for the voice over but after completing the script, I understand choosing not to. Hatira's transformation at the third act made it difficult to connect emotionally. We're facing new characters in a new situation and it's a lot of transition is just a short period of time. Adding the name Halid and Ziba just made the action and identifying characters very difficult by the end. If you rewrite this, I would go outside the 5 page limit and spend a little bit of time in each phase of Hatira's life so that the reader can connect on a more emotional level to her plight. You have a great visual style of writing and I wouldn't be surprised if you hope to direct or film your own stories -- you clearly see your scenes in vivid detail. Good luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like what you are trying to do in your story. It's unique and interesting. I think that it needs a little tweaking. The voice over helps tell the story, so we know what is going on, but it also relies too much on the voice over to tell the story.

There are some tender moments, that I enjoyed. The love of a man for his wife, and the fact that he rejoices in his own little girl.

Good in parts, needs work in others.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kind of a nice story, but it really lacks subtlety. All men are bad -- except the one that used to be a woman.

I understand the point you're trying to make, but if you could find a way to make that same point with a more clever and subtle story, it would be much more effective. As it's written, nothing in your story world has changed. When Halid takes his little daughter out onto the balcony and yells, "Hey, People, it's a girl, how great is that!", we all know it's really a transformed woman (who still has a woman's mind) who's saying that. It would be more remarkable if somehow in the course of your story a man's feelings about females were changed. Or many men's feelings -- even better.

A good choice of topic, but more subtlety is required to really pull it off.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not a bad job of putting this all together. It did get a little dull towards the middle and I found the dialogue to be a bit still, rather than flowing. The development of the characters was good and you can easily see where the plot is going within the first two pages, though that's pretty obvious anyways with a five page script, unless you were going for a full-blown shocking twist, which you were not.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is an interesting story, and you have a very fluid style. But in all sincerity, I think the internal dialogue gets in the way.

Your formatting is pretty good; you just need to zero in the small details. For example, you have not capitalized Orhan the first time he appears. Also, I believe -- but don't take my word for it -- that his first dialogue should be V.O. rather than O.S. since he is not in the scene. He is in the house but not in the hall, where the action is taking place.
On the other hand, your descriptions are very crisp and sucinct, and you handle yourself pretty well with slugs.
And then, you have all those V.O.'s, from a female voice that happens to also be Hatira -- I belive -- and from Halid.
I have to say that I get the use of the V.O.'s and their usefulness, but there are instances when the author needs to be really careful about how to use them. I believe this is one of those. All I can tell you is that in the beginning they were helpful to understand what was happening, but, towards the end, they can get in the way of the story. I, personally, don't remember how many times I have had to stop to make sure I understood what you meant.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a well formatted script, and fairly well written. I like your take on the contest, the core idea is an interesting one. However, I am a bit turned off by the dialogue and huge emotional swing at the end.

The dialogue strikes me as over-dramatic, especially the VO. I understand that you have some intense emotional moments worked into this script, but the makes these moments feel over the top rather than painful. I find that minimal dialogue at a tense moment allows the action to play itself out to full effect.

The emotional swing I'm talking about occur mainly at the end. Up until that point, you've painted a really good visual and emotional picture, albeit a harsh one. The last two pages contradict themselves, I find. Halid seems to be lamenting the transformation, then can't wait to meet his wife and help his mother, and then is ecstatic to see his daughter. It seems like the message coming out of this script is that women can't help themselves. I'm sure that's not what you were going for, but by having Hatira so quickly (and easily, and remorselessly, it seems) abandon her womanhood, it gives the wrong impression.

There is the possibility that I'm reading too much into this, and if so, throw a little something into your comment section. I'd love to hear your perspective on this. Overall, while I like the idea, the VO and ending kept this from a higher score. Good job, and best of luck!

Comments Made After the Contest

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 9:25 PM

I voted VG on this one. I liked it a lot and was surprised it didn't place.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 2:18 AM

Thanks a lot. I don't like my every script but this one I do. You know there are places where you can not see women driving or smoking (and while I'm not a promoter of smoking I think that it stresses inequality).

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 5/4/2010 6:58 AM

I gave this a VG too, Khamanna.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 5/5/2010 2:58 AM

Khamanna - I gave this a VG also. I enjoyed it. I expected it would do much better. Good job.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/6/2010 12:26 AM

Glad some liked it! I posted the rewrite but not sure about it. Couldn't rework on the dialog though - that's how she sounds in my head. Maybe in time I'll see it in different light.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 5/7/2010 9:51 PM

An excellent entry. Perhaps when you come back to it you can expand it into a full-feature script. Really enjoyed this one, it is a very powerful theme.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 8:57 PM

Great work! ;)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 10:26 PM

Thanks Pia! That makes me feel really really good...:) I'll work on it some more late Dec.