Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Interesting idea. It doesn't really explain how or why these things come to life, which kind of bugs me. But the script is fun and I did enjoy it. Good work.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This one really made me laugh. I love the hoodies! I was a little bothered by how quickly Stevie just accepts the weirdness of the situation and then how rude he is to Hannah about the whole thing, but I realize you only had five pages so you couldn't really stretch it out. Maybe if it wasn't a first date and he had met them before, it could explain his behavior better.
I would love to see this made. I can see with some creative shots this could be creepy and funny which is one of my favorite combinations.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your descriptions of Hannah and Stevie reveal information that the audience will not know. How will you visually convey on screen that Hannah is a small town girl and Stevie is an office drone?

You don't have to say CONT'D when it's just Stevie talking.

Can you give us a little more detail about the portal? Is it the small opening on the face of the sweatshirt?

I was expecting some kind of reveal from the hoodies. Something that would give me a sign as to why they are Hannah's roommates or how they came to be. As it stands, the Hoodies are not relevant to the story. You could easily replace them with two twins that are overly helpful to the point of annoying.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not sure I fully understand the hoodies and their purpose in Hannah's world, but I really liked it.

The bubble bath, ice cream and The Notebook were not up to par with the rest of the script though. They were trite and changed my impression of Hannah a little. They could have produced anything. This would have given so much insight to Hannah's character, but you chose to use cliches. I didn't view Hannah as your typical 'girl', but that changed when she readily accepted their offerings for her Saturday night pleasure.

I did like Hoodie #1 trying to go after her and #2 stopping him.

I'm going with a VERY GOOD on this.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This is written and formatted well but may just be the strangest story I've ever read.

The dialogue was pretty realistic. A few things struck me as a little unbelievable though... I found it hard to believe that Stevie would scold her so sternly on a first date. I also found it hard to believe she would react with such shock at his reaction. Surely, anyone that's ever met her roommates would have a similar reaction so she must be used to it by now.

This script was truely bizarre, but not in a bad way. Just a weird way. Very creative. Nice work. Write on.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Of all the scripts, quite honestly I can't see how this met the requirements of the contest...

The hoodies already ARE alive, whatever they are. What exactly came to life in the course of this screenplay?

"It’s a comb. For your hair." - surely for HIS hair?

This could be amusing but I struggled to know what on earth was going on. What were the hoodies? Why was Hannah friends with them?

Too many questions, not enough personalities to your characters, not enough plot, not enough development.

Sorry!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- What's wrong with proper punctuation?
- Can you describe bird like. I'm intrigued, but I can't see in my mind what that looks like in a person?

So what are these things? Were they dead once? What person would be with them long enough to get to know them? Hmm I'm left with some questions and that can be good.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think the idea of a single young woman living with two bizarre "robots" is intriguing, but you never really explain "the hoodies". Clearly they freak out her date, but where did they come from? What is their purpose? Is this the future?

Without some sort of explanation it all feels a little too strange and I'm having trouble connecting with it.

David Birch (Level 5)

it didn't get what you were alluding to when you wrote "of his cell"...you don't need to say "it's a comb. for your hair."...we're going to assume that it's for your hair...or, you can write..."it's a hair comb."...but i'd just say 'comb'...simpler...better...needed just a little more backstory to provide a connection to hannah, otherwise, why do i care if her date is an "a-hole"...we need to see that she's a good hearted person who's unlucky in love...like the banter between the hoodies...good luck in the vote!

David Carter (Level 2)

I really enjoyed this piece.

The big thing I didn't understand...who/what are the Hoodies? If I had just come across this script and read it, it wouldn't bother me to not know their origin. But within the description laid out for us I don't get where they fit. Are they cadavers, dead animals or inanimate objects brought to life? (No zombies.) Hence my "Good" score.

For a five page script, you got my attention and held it. I liked how you made the Hoodies distinct, yet still a team. I liked Hannah's laissez-faire treatment of them. They're her roommates. I didn't feel a need for a big back story, save for how they fit in this month's parameters. (Which, again, if I was just reading this in any other situation wouldn't bother me.)

Some suggestions...always offered with the humblest respect for the work and its author...

1. When the door is open and Stevie standing there, I would've loved to have him already tweeting. You have him tweet two other times. (Comedy is best served in three's.) I don't think I'd even have Stevie ask the Hoodies if it was cool with Hannah. Just have him do it. Makes him even more of a jerk.

2. I would've liked to have seen Hannah at least give a brief intro between Stevie and the Hoodies. Just a "These are my roommates.", kind of throwaway. That would've at least let Stevie know the Hoodies are supposed to be there. Otherwise, I would've been calling for Hannah from moment one. "Who/what are these things!?!"

3. Instead of having Stevie lean in as the first item was being produced, I'd loved to have seem him in terror. He's frozen to his seat or clambering for the door as the Hoodie rises over him and produces a...comb. Something of that effect. The audience knows as much about these two as Stevie. Use that.

4. The dress shirt. I was hoping for a description of it. Was it something obnoxious like a horrid color scheme/pattern? Was it paisley? Striped? Maybe it's a high-end shirt, monogrammed on the cuff for Stevie?

5. After Hoodie #2 ejects the ice cream, I was waiting for him to send out a spoon as well.

6. When Hoodie #1 attempts to follow Hannah, I wanted him to produce a loofah or some other bath device.

Again, I offer these suggestions up with all respect to the piece as is. Tell me to jump off a bridge or use them all. Just some moments I thought that could really pump the piece up. As it, it is an enjoyable read. Well done.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Introductions are tough, I tend to just go with my character's action, and dialogue. A small town girl in the big city might be better shown that way. Then again it could be personal preference. Use it in the logline. Steve's intro, unlike Hannah's, is hazy/conflicting, how can I see it? Again, use actions, dialogue. (Again, maybe personal preference.) There is a forum thread on character introductions, maybe the answer is there.

I had a hard time visualizing hoodie #1 does this, hoodie #2 does that, it was too hard to follow. And other of your descriptions may have been unique, but also somewhat hard for me to visualize. "Puckered vent, giant rolling eyes.

I don't see that any character had a goal, no tension, and not exactly a comedy. This was like a scene from a larger movie.

I will say that although I don't think it fit very well with the challenge, the concept was unique.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Sorry but the story did not work for me. Perhaps it’s me but I could never picture the HOODIES or their PORTALS and I definitely could not figure out what they were doing in the story. A couple of notes follow:

In a spec script, the CONTDs are not needed in the dialogue. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

On page 2: “(of his cell phone)” Think you mean, (ON his cell phone). Always make sure you proofread!

Also on page 2… “something small and black”. More description please! Does it have legs? Oh it’s a comb. Why not just say that?

Page 3: The slugline says INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. The next line states they are exiting THE APARTMENT. Since you have already said APARTMENT, there is no need to mention it again. Just saying “Hannah and Stevie exit.” Should suffice.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Hey, that's very original. Didn't know Hoodies can be made alive.

However, what's the genre of your story? It feels like a weird blend of drama and black comedy.

The opening two pages are good. I liked how the Hoodies shoot things out at Stevie, mocking him. The Hoodies have their own personalities. Nice.

Then on page 3 the story starts to drag. I don't know what's going on after Hannah went back inside her apartment. Were the Hoodies trying to comfort her? But the most confusing of all is on the last page where you have Hoodies #1 and #2 doing different things. I was like, what's the point of that?

Overall, your story starts out very creatively and intriguing, but then you seem to run out of idea and the ending falls flat. Your writing is clear and concise.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Please add commentary after the contest detailing how this script came to be, what was your thought process? I give you props for originality. I do not have feedback on the writing, it was straightfoward and easy to read. Although it was an odd story and very different, it wasn't a very complex story, it kind of stayed on one the note the entire time.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very original and interesting. I do however, believe you can improve on the descriptions. I did not feel I had a clear picture of what their portal really was or looked like.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

What does a small town girl in a big city look like? I'm not sure if I understand the description.

I don't usually care anymore about the "describe what we can only see" but sometimes I see people add things that we REALLY can't see. Like my first example and your description for Stevie. You said he's a party animal at night, but all we would see is an office drone. I don't get how we would know both?

The men in hoodie's are very strange. I think Stevie would have jumped up or laughed after he saw that the hoodie covered their faces.

"Only to be greeted by a deserted hallway" I like that line.

I didn't understand the elephant trunk thing. What were they doing?

I think this would be better if it were filmed. It would be funny and great to look at. But the script was kind of dull. Nothing really happened. This same story could have been told with two regular roomates.

I did like how you didn't explain what they were. I thought they were just clothes, but then you said they made some clank noise when the butt heads.

I'll give this a good.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

To be honest I'm a little confused, but I think you intended that, right?

My main problem with this script is that it didn't go anywhere, we never got a full story from any of the characters. Stevie just gets freaked out, Hannah just constantly re-asserts her fondness for the Hoodies, and the Hoodies just keep on being whatever they are, there's no STORY to any of these characters.

Also, you might want to make the portals thing clearer, you introduce them in simile, "like a portal", which made me at first assume they were not actually portals.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm thinking maybe you could introduce the two being as the TWO HOODIES from the very beginning. You said "two beings".
"let's just go to a damn movie" - this is a little unbelievable for a first date, I think.
Why he says that she can't live like that? I mean it's so shocking that her roommates are two freaks that there's nothing left to say.He should have been more confused than resentful, I think.
The visuals on the last page are amazing! I can so picture them - Dr Seuss' thing one and thing two.

It's not much of the story though. But that doesn't throw me off - I know you wanted to show why Hannah likes the hoodies, they are so much fun, who wouldn't like them. Just like Dr Seuss'. I wish yours came in VO rhymes.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Clever and funny idea. Particularly love that there is no explanation about who these "Hoodies" are or where they come from. They are simply assimilated into Hannah's life.
The Hoodies' physical description is visual; might clarify their "cyclopic effect," that "portal or a puckered vent staring back..." Envision actually two single Cyclops-type eyes of black vastness where everything from combs and nose trimmers to a rope spring from.
Might trim the dialogue a bit. Some of the early conversation between Hannah and Stevie is rather chatty. Maybe Stevie should say less, like he's trying to absorb what's happening inside Hannah's. When he's in the "Hallway" and he can't hold it in anymore, then he uncorks on Hannah. Would provide a good contrast to Hannah and her apparent unconditional acceptance of the Hoodies.
Hoodie #2's roping of Hoodie #1 at the end makes sense, but could use some streamlining.
Enjoyable and fun story.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The suspense on the first page is really good, but it comes at the expense of spatial description regarding the apartment's vital features. For example, the television is suddenly mentioned at the bottom of page one, but in such a way that it presumes we already knew it was there. The Hoodies then look at it, but I'm still unaware if it's on or off. It'd be creepy if the TV's off. But, if not, what are they watching? That info could inform their characters even more.

The tension dissipates when we realize that these weird creatures don't mean anyone any harm, but are only there for comic relief. The problem is, once they begin to soothe Hannah, there's a lack of dramatic conflict. The "subplot" that's introduced on page 5, with Hoodie #1's sudden stalking movements occur, begins too late and feels anticlimactic.

There was a strong sense of "one trick pony", though, when the Hoodies failed to do anything to move the plot along besides shoot multiple objects all over the room (consoling Hannah was character-building, but hardly a plot advancement).

I'm not disturbed at all about not knowing anything about the Hoodies' backgrounds. It doesn't matter to me who they are or where they're from. I think they're funny, and that's what really matters. Nice imagination.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That was really... surreal. I enjoyed it but didn't really feel that an overall point or effect was building up. Maybe it doesn't have to.

It was a bit disconserting going from Stevie's perspective basically, then to Hannah, and then the hoodies at the end.

I don't really know what to say. I don't feel like that I understood it, so if there's more to understand then I look forward to finding out after the contest.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Writing style was very good here.

Storywise, The Hoodies were definitely the highlight. Very creative.

I think the story needs more closure though. It was good but it left me with a “Yes and?” feeling. I think you could expand a bit more on Stevie and Hannah’s relationship.

The conflict between these two seemed abandoned rather than resolved. The guy freaks out (with is logical) then disappears on page 3 and is never seen again. Maybe you should bring him back and force him to get along with the Hoodies in order to win Hannah’s love?

Hannah gets along well with the Hoodies (no conflict) and it’s Stevie the one who shows up and upsets the balance (conflict) so, IMHO, you should use him a bit more and see where the story takes you.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title fits the story.

The first few lines got me off on the wrong foot. "A knock sounds from ..." Why not just "A KNOCK at the door?"

The dashes in the action lines don't serve a purpose. In your second action line, Hannah "breezes in..." which made me think she knocked at the door then let herself into the apartment. So your next line really confused me - "She opens the door..." As far as I knew, she had just come in.

From there on, things seem to move along OK. The Hoodies try to make the date feel uncomfortable with their unusual ability to create things from within. Oddly Stevie accepts this and attempts to carry on some small talk.

From a story perspective, I don't feel like I got enough information. What are these Hoodies? Where did they come from? Are we to believe that they are common in whatever time period this story takes place?

It almost seemed like a bad practical joke being played on Stevie. I was glad to see Hannah ditch him however. He seemed like an ass. That part seemed very believable.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Insane, but intersting. Really good visuals.The story itself is pretty mundane, but with the visuals it all because very very interesting. Do wish there was more of a twist at the end, the slapstick sort of works, but could be stronger. It's still great though, I think this will be one people adore. The visuals really spark the imagination.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

That was humorous and original, but what in the hell are these hoodies?!?!

Watch out for relaying unfilmable information to the reader, particularly with the character descriptions.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an intriguing script with a good mix of tension and comedy wrapped together. I like the hoodies and I like the fact that you have left them ambiguous rather than explaining everything about them.

"A knock sounds" - This reads a little awkwardly for me because I'm not sure you need to say that a knock "sounds".

It's interesting that you start with this being clearly from one character's POV, then move to a different character, and then move to the hoodies' POV, although perhaps this makes it a little harder to be invested with the characters.

Being picky, if I had read this outside this contest I think I'd have said these were ghosts rather than being something that was dead, that has come to life, but I can see the living hoodie angle.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

OK - First the obvious. I'm not sure this qualifies as bringing someone back to life. What were The Hoodies before? If you opt for the inanimate object angle - why have them dressed fully with gloves on? But as for the story -- Stevie seems pretty useless. Maybe just focus on the Hoodies with Hannah. Next, it got really confusing with the Hoodie #1 and Hoodie #2. Instead, maybe go with Red Hoodie and Blue Hoodie or Nike and Hollister or something other than the numbers. Some of the script is overwritten. For example: A comb. For your hair. Is there another type of comb? Little things like this add up and take away from the reader's enjoyment. For the most part there are some clever visuals and I can see some of these scenes getting a good laugh at the film festival but as a script in this challenge, I found this to be just 'good.'

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

Without a doubt, I have to give you full marks on creativity. It goes without saying that this script was definitely unique. I love that.

However, it was also very strange. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because it certainly made for an entertaining read, and I laughed several times. But it also lent itself to being a little TOO strange. Still, the imagery is great and the story is fun.

Your ACTION could definitely be tightened up and improved. An example at the beginning would be "office drone by day, nightclub party dude by night". This is a little too extensive in describing the character, and it really doesn't drive the story. Stick to the basics descriptions and keep the story moving.

After all is said and done, I give this a Very Good with furrowed brows and a chuckle. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a good, because it was funny and imaginative. A couple of things I would change is that the action lines are hard to follow. Maybe make the Hoodie's each have a name, not Hoodie 1 and Hoodie 2. After a while, esp on the last page it got monotonous reading all the Hoodie #1 etc etc..

Maybe they could be Fred and Jack or something... LOL. I thought your story was fun though and I got a kick out of it.

Nice title.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very unique and cute.

The structure was kinda weird, though. For two and a half pages, it seemed like this was about Stevie. But it wasn't, it was about the Hoodies. (Hence the title, I guess.) But that really threw me -- I was waiting to see what would happen to Stevie with respect to Hannah and the Hoodies, but Stevie just disappeared. And then, so did Hannah.

So, did the Hoodies always give Hannah whatever she wanted? And did they intentionally offend Stevie to drive him off? Kind of a cool idea. But then what happens? What's Hannah's life like given that she's protected by these Hoodies? Now, that would make a great story.

Anyway, it was a very original idea and an enjoyable story.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I'm trying to imagine that these hoodies were actually mannequins or something, from the rip. Instead, we haven't a clue. You say two beings come to life. If they are beings then, philosophically, they are not dead, and therefore do not really constitute as within the confines of the contest, but I won't tell anyone if you won't, deal?

So, onto the script. I think it was pretty good, though a bit overly descriptive. I think, instead of thoroughly proclaiming every action in the action lines, you could focus more on the action of the date, and what these things actually are.

The humor was fantastic. Very safe and well played. A tad on the cliche side - c'mon, the Notebook; that's a good joke, I agree, but it's a little stereotypical, just like women, sad, eating ice cream. But you still executed it well, so I'm only talking here about your choice of joke in itself, not how it was performed, which, like I said, was done well.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Some funny stuff here, I think it would look pretty good if this was made. The simultaneous movements of the hoodies and the like.

I would like to know more about the hoodies. You don't have to spell it out but a few more clues would help. Are these aliens, robots, or what? Clearly Hoodie #1 has the hots for Hannah so there we have a little story about him going after her but Hoodie #2 pulling him back. I think you need more for Hannah though, what's she after?

For me, the story didn't have enough conflict to really drive it forward. There was funny stuff going on but without a traditional story it just all felt kind of random.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I want to make some comments before I give my overall impression of this script.

I believe you should not write "He decides to make a stab at small talk" if that ia what, indeed, Stevie does.

Then, what is this: "It’s a comb. For your hair."? You format it as an action line, but it is not action. This is something someone would say. Only, there's no one to say it.

Alright, for an overall review, the story is nice. I just think that it needs conflict. Even as a comedy, I think you still need more conflict to push thing around.

Hannah is getting ready for a date, and the guy ends up being a tool. That's alright, but it happens too often to call anyone's attention. maybe Stevie should'nt start as a tool. Maybe the Hoodies should get him over the line. They kind of do it already but not quite: Stevie starts by twitering the date -- how lamer can things get? Not much since that is already a recipe for disaster. But what is Stevie is a nice guy? He comes with flowers, well dressed, the works. And the Hoodies get really jealous and start behaving until Stevie blows a fuse. Now, that's conflict. The Hoddies get rid of Stevie so that they can have Hanna for them.

OK, yes, I know: that's not your story.

Well, your story needs to be pumped up somehow. What I just wrote is just an example of how you can do it. I bet there are a few others, and you are bound to find one that you like.

Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is great, you've crafted some excellent characters in The Hoodies, and they never say a word. I love that you feel that you know them, and exactly what they're thinking. The way that you've described their movement would transfer really well to the screen. I imagine all of this ridiculous crap falling out of their hood and giggle, even now. Not only that, but you've put them into a cute little story that makes their inherent creepiness even more hilarious.

I hope this gets some attention. Great job, and best of luck!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I did not see how this met the requirement of bringing something to life. It appeared all along that Hoodie #1 and Hoodie #2 were always alive (artificial intelligence) by their actions -- is the heart coming to life?

As far as the conflict and story, it lacked for me, not a great deal of interest.

Comments Made After the Contest

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 9:24 AM

Dave, I enjoyed your story quite a bit. The hell with explaining why things are alive! The Hoodies are great characters. Keep it up!

Dave Kunz (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 3:04 PM

Thanks for your comments, Thomas, they're very much appreciated. And congratulations on Communications Breakdown receiving an HM this month. I haven't read it yet but will make a point to do so. Thanks again.