Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Oh this story could have gotten the best score cause I loved the wonderful parody of Star Trek however using the flashback just for flashback's sake was a disappointment.

You knew you needed to include one in the story but how did it move the story forward? I'll be curious to see what others think of it. Now, I might be just getting picky. I did really enjoy the script though. I can't say how it needs fixing really just a better way of including the flashback.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

How clever! Very original concept. The one thing I think could be improved is the pacing. It drags a bit in the middle -- and while I think it's hilarious that the elves are trying to avoid the drone, etc., the parts about the drone can't drone! Overall, though, a VERY good script.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Excellent concept. I like the notion that our lives are directed by external forces. I'm not sure that the Star Trek theme is the one to go with...I would suspect that a parallel Elf universe with closer ties to a director instead of a TV show would provide you with more material.

In terms of this contest, however, I'd say that the flashback was really only added on, not doing anything to really move the story forward. Given that it's the final moment, and we don't see the reaction of the directing crew or any fall-out from the flashback going through, it's a bit of an anticlimactic ending.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Cute concept, but I think it failed. There was a few grammar errors: "Shield aren't", instead of "Shields aren't", among others.

Sure, you included a flashback, by name only. I scored this one "poor" because it doesn't do anything. It doesn't push the story forward, it doesn't reveal exposition, it doesn't do anything.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very creative & entertaining. I wish I had some constructive criticism for you, but this was a solid script from top to bottom. Great job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very funny. Some bits had me laughing out loud, which was very refreshing as some of the scripts have been very plodding.

It lost a bit for me with the flashback. It was all so beautifully set up, but then the flashback itself was weak and there was no ending after that in the control room to see it's effect.

Needed more, which you could do if you expanded, post contest.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

If there is an award for the most original and bizarre script, you just won it.

This was such an odd/interesting mix of elements. At times brilliant, for me, as a whole, it was never greater than the sum of it's parts. It felt like a very clever skit.

I definitely enjoyed it, but I wish there had been a more cohesive story thread that connected it all together.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

The Star Trek parody portion was mildly funny and could work, and work well, with the right cast and director. But THE TRUMAN SHOW parody through line with Paula and Louis didn't track as a through line -- I understood it (after two to three readings) but it seemed to be there solely as thinly veiled device to get to the Mr. Speck and Directer Cork gags. I liked the fact that the flashback came at the very end but the payoff was something of a non-event. The beginning and the end, though nominally tied together, didn't really dovetail w/one another in any significant manner in terms of a story. In the end I still had no idea who Paula and Louis were or why I should care about them.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

The character names and actions were fun! I enjoyed them. I thought it was clever how you used writing problems as a plot. I was a little confused at first because I thought that a flashback was not being used, but an intercut was being used. Again, I am new, so I was unsure. However at the end, the flashback was obvious.

The ending didn't really satisfy me because I still don't know what the two characters were trying to do, Louis and Paula. I am pretty sure I know what the other film makers were trying to avoid, bad writing/directing! So that was clear.

It was interesting, but I think the flashback at the end didn't really speak to the set up in the beginning.

Thanks!
Dawn

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Silly, humorous. Not the greatest use of flashback (kinda seemed like a cheat). Cute characters.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm still chuckling at this very clever and funny tale, but the flash itself occurring at the end didn't really propel the story forward except to end it, and with prior knowledge of flash perhaps the twist was spoiled. Nonetheless, the concept, characters, and pace made this a very good read.

Fahim Huq (Level 3)

Of course,all the credits for approaching the subject from an unique point of view.
But i thought you didn't properly use the excellent premise you had built.
the flashback is supposed to move the story forward or twists the plot,right?
now I know that's crap.you should use your Fb whenever and however you like.i just did't like the use here.
And i thought the description of elves were too long,you could've used it for building your otherwise Great,funny and unique story.

apologies for my shaky/foggy review!

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

I loved the absurdist nature of this script. It doesn’t ask you to take seriously, or put up any fronts about what it is.
The mechanics behave exactly as they should in a piece like this.
I think it is a little jarring to have two parodies working at once. The beginning seemed slightly raunchy, and that’s quickly thrown off track in favor of the second’s sensibilities.
The end flashback did the same for me. It completely derailed everything. I don’t it was the joke itself, just that it was the last joke.
As it is now, it ends on a WTF note, when it should be WTF with a chuckle.
As a nerd, I appreciate the source material and it’s derision, I don’t know if someone who isn’t would. The names were a little heavy handed. The line where Jack’s caught in the act needs some re-wording for effect.
Overall, I liked the commentary on the conventions of films, and your evident distain.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Jack Hoff??? I don't know. I may have to think about this some more. Self-awareness in a script is usually a recipe for disater...I found myself honestly groaning a bit during this (especially the names of the characters). I think you obviously have good technical skills and everything unfolds nicely. I just can't give a higher score than good for this because it was too cutesy for my tastes.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

This seems more like a SNL skit than a movie script. But even the satire is uneven and lacks clear direction. It's trying a little too hard.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You do qualify for the contest by putting the flash back at the end of the script. But I have to say overall I just didn't get the script. Okay I guess I understand you were going for some thing along the lines of a STAR TREK parody. But I didn't get what was going on between Louis and Paula and the Centre Of Movie Magic.

Louis seemed to ramble on about his day and then he's talking about Paula getting scratched by a cat.

Overall I just couldn't get a handle on the script.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Both the premise and its execution are extremely clever. I wonder if this is the one that Chris and Brian were raving about in the forums.

The weakest aspect of this script: it relies on jokes about the screenwriting craft.

The strongest aspect of this script: it relies on jokes about the screenwriting craft.

While it’s true that this kind of comedy has a limited appeal (people familiar with the craft), it’s also true that I’m part of that limited audience and I enjoyed it a lot. I read about 20 entries and this is my favorite so far.

The flashback’s inclusion felt a little (very little) cheaty, since its content doesn’t have any dramatic impact on the plot. Furthermore, it’s the plot itself that makes the flashback’s content irrelevant. What matters is to include a flashback, any flashback, to interrupt the boring monologue.

And it’s in the content where the writer can show if the flashback tool was well used or not. But since all the screenwriting tools here were used in unconventional ways, to increase the comedic effect rather than to serve their real purposes, the flashback fitted alright.

Yeah, I’m being nitpicky. What did you expect? This is a hell of a script. There ain’t any major flaws in here to bitch about. :-)

It would be a shame if you don’t make it to the podium. I wish you good luck.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Brilliant! Witty! This was hilarious. High concept and really well written. Very original. My favorite part was when Director Cork began monologing himself. I see all of this clearly unravelling on the screen as I read. My only concern is that a lot of what makes this so enjoyable to read might be lost when it gets translated onto the screen (e.g. lines like "plays with his knob, the one on his chair" and "the one and only SOLO"). Nevertheless, I'd love to see this one get made!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Best one I've read so far this month and I only have about a handful left.

I loved it.

Very well written, funny and original.

Great Job!!

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Story about an alternate Star Trek crew that attempts to save a film going bad.

How did the flashback work? Long time coming, and fit what the story was about.

How did the story work for me? Started out strong in parody, satire, all that, then finished weak. I would like to see the flashback resolution sooner, and a result of the fix, the crew high fiving, or something like that. With the flashback coming so late, it was a let down for me and with no follow up, I didn't have the impact of how it worked.

Points for cleverness.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Enjoyed the creative take and the nuanced names of the characters. I think the Louis and Paula set up leading to the the Film Magic world worked well. I thought it was fresh and original. Ironically, it runs a little long by the time Cork gets to the urgency of the transition. I think it could be shortened to allow for slightly more flashback. That was my biggest issue -- the Flashback didn't take us to the incident that caused Paula to be naked and in pain while Louis looks away. That would have brought the script full circle. Having an element of flashback is fine but I'd rather that it pertain to the story. Nice job with bringing a unique story with an interesting concept.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

A very humorous, creative, original story.

I had to read it twice to get the full effect.

The flashback, in my opinion, could have been written better, been more powerful. But maybe that would have taken away from the rest of the story!

Good script!

Sabrina Dubois (Level 2)

I loved it. Different - but enjoyable. Fun to read; good, light-hearted humour.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I'm sorry but I just didn't get it. I thought the descriptions and dialog was written well but, the story fell short with me. I thought the film magic bit and the characters names were cute, but I would have liked to see the story play out with Paula and Louis. The story started off good, but when you interrupted with the film magic bit, I think the story you built up was lost. It also seemed like the flashback was just tacked on to satisfy the assignment.

Good luck

William Coleman (Level 5)

using the medium as a plot device is a clever idea. I wish Louis monolog had been funnier and served some plot service.
The swiching about generally works. I'd like to know a little more about locales within Film Magic.

You cheated on pages by putting your parentheticals within speeches!

Comments Made After the Contest

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2007 12:16 AM

Hey Michael,

I loved this one!

I thought it was one of the best ones this month. I thought this was the one people talked about...

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2007 12:27 AM

I agree with Pia. This was my favorite this month. Very well done, Michael.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 10/2/2007 6:25 AM

Hey thanks you two! The scores on this one really did my head in for a short time. I fully expected that some people would not get it because it was written for a limited audience (If you don't know the original Star Trek then you would be lost). But so many poors?!

I think the main issue many people had was the flashback. Everyone seemed to want the flashback to be a verb, but I treated it as a noun. This, apparently, did not agree with many of the readers.

As far as follow up from the elves after mission complete. I don't think so. You only see the inner workings of a film when something is wrong.

I think, if anything, what I could have done to improve this script would have been to make Paula and Louis less interesting. The only important thing about them is Louis's monologue. I may have given them too many hints of a story because people seemed to feel like there should be more.

The last flashback wasn't the only flashback in this script and I'm surprised no one mentioned this in their review.

While setting up Paula and Louis I had, I thought, a great idea. Why not make the readers flashback to previous Movie Poet contests? What happened when you read the line "It's not as bad as it looks"? If you have been with Movie Poet a while then you would have remembered your entry in that contest or at least the contest itself.

Paula and Louis are in the woods
Paula is nude
Louis has a phobia
Cork has a VO
and Louis is shown as a child.

I did realise that these would go over many people's heads (That's one of the reasons I tried to make Louis and Paula a bit more interesting). But I thought it would be fun for the people who got it and I think that it was.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/2/2007 9:09 AM

While I strongly disagree with the "poor" scores, I'm not surprised by them. I think this script is very clever and you took a risk, which is a good thing. Your story elicited strong reactions, positive and negative, which is way better than boring people. :)

I actually missed some of those earlier contest references. I just reread the script and enjoyed it even more this time.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 10/2/2007 10:11 AM

Michael,

I've only seen Star Wars once and I hated it. Dense as I am I didn't get the references to that film, but as you can see, I still thought it was great. And for anyone that read this, I didn't know who wrote it so no biased comments from me. I loved it for what it was.

Pia :-)

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3) ~ 10/20/2007 9:29 AM

Being only a modest Star Trek fan (I kissed a girl before and never owned Spock ears), I got a good laugh out of this. I liked the translating of screenwriting lingo into standard Trek peril. Dug it.