Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I really like your style of writing. It seems like you can get a lot done in a very little amount of pages. With this story it really left me confused. It wasn't a traditional story so I wasn't able to pick up on an arch or anything. I did enjoy the read but would like more of a developed story from you next time. Thanks.

Angela Guess (Level 2)

That was freaky. I think you have some good potential in this story to have a really creepy tale. But right now it's a bit confusing and leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Kid goes crazy when his mom suddenly dies. Does he actually bring the dog back to life, and if so how? If the dog is just a hallucination (which I like to think he is) how did the street sweeper see him alive? If he got the dog to wake up, why coudln't/didn't he do the same for his mother? The story is perhaps a bit overly reminiscent of Psycho (maybe make it his dad or wife instead?) and I really hate the title, but I think if you tidy it up a bit and maybe use some more complete sentences in your action lines, you could have a nice little horror.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The title doesn't fit the story. The dog's eyeball is not a plot point and does not bring the dead back to life. You should focus your title on the moonlight.

What does "Bouncing off the furniture" mean? Is Nash literally jumping on the furniture? You also don't need to mention "accelerated motion". The phrase "races around" is sufficient.

Why does the dialogue of Nash and the road sweeper take place concurrently at the end of page two? If the sweeper is talking over Nash, it will be hard to understand him.

We know that Nash's mom is dead, so why not build up a reveal? Have the camera follow Nash to the front of the chair and show us her dead corpse. Instead you jump right into the scene with Nash lifting her out of the chair.

The plot is good, but Nash is flat. He feels nothing for the dead dog or his mother. He's more interested in singing rhymes than showing emotion. I suggest having him sing melancholy rhymes or sad song lyrics. Once the moonlight does the trick, he'll have a reason to be happy and bouncy.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This was fantastic. Nash is such a strong character. I knew his mother was dead when he went in to eat dinner, but he kept me intrigued. I started thinking of the Bates motel and this kid is totally psycho, and thinks his mother is still alive, but you pleasantly surprised me. And the disappointment of the moon tucking behind a cloud - that was the ultimate tragic ending.

This is a colorful little tale that would make an excellent short.

This is EXCELLENT all the way! Very nice job!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well. The story was really a strange one. Nash really had a weird Norman Bates type thing going on, but with a little OCD mixed in.

So I guess, Nash assumes the moonlight brought Buster back from the dead and that's why he put his mom's corpse there? I guess that seems like a strange assumption to me. If the moonlight brought back the dead, wouldn't everyone come back to life the first night after they died?

Anyway, nicely written warped script. Write on!

Chase Mooneyham (Level 1)

Very interesting script, and an awesome concept. It freaked me out at the start, which I'm guessing is the purpose. I guessed the twist about the mother immediately after Buster arose and went in to the next scene with the mother. However, just because I called it, doesn't mean I was unsatisfied. I like the clouds covering the moon at the end as well. You have a unique style of writing, one that could only be utilized by an equally unique filmmaker.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Well with a name like this it better be good.
I sorta like this one. I'm glad you didn't make mom a zombie and get yourself dq, because it's a sick, but nice story. I don't need the details, because the character was intriguing. You get a VG from me.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love this.

Nash is wonderful. What a great character. His dialogue if phenomenal. I love all the songs he quotes.

There is something very strange and haunting about this tale. It is poetic and I think it would make an amazing film.

Excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

weekend at bernie's meets dr. dolittle...i liked the angle of the story, some of the writing needs to be a little crisper, and in the active voice...things like "buster trotting beside him" should be changed to "buster trots beside..."...keep things in the active voice..."singing" should be "sings"..."muttering" should be "mutters"...you get the idea...keeping things tight, and in the active voice will make your screenplays much easier to read, and then easier to be made...anyway, nice take on the premise...thanks...

Dexter Williams (Level 3)

I didn't care for this particular story. A teen discovers the eyeball of a dead dog and decides to take it home. It had an interesting start, but it is a very slow-paced story with no real surprises. This is a mediocre story, and I cannot recommend this one I'm afraid.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

So, the mother dies to give the dog life? Nothing is very clear here, and I don't see the story. Why did the dog get reanimated? What was the story? It's really the story that matters - a boy finds a dead dog, brings it home, his mother dies and the dog comes back to life. Why? what was the goal? I couldn't find one, or make sense of the resolution.

Could be me, but there is not much going on other than the reanimation of a dead dog. But, I do like the title.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

well done! An excellent from me.
I felt for Nash. Although he has problems, he is a loving little guy.
Like to know how mom died, but not really important.
loved this one.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Nash is an interesting character and the writer did a great job of showing this. I didn’t understand the story, though. I think there was some sort of correlation between the dead dog and the mother but it went right over my head. Probably me. The CONT’Ds are not needed in dialogue. If you use Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is a hard one to score. It's written well, but the story seems to have some deeper meaning that I couldn't fathom. I'm sorry that I don't understand the essence of it. Maybe you could've made it clearer as well.

I don't get the first two pages of the script. Why does Nash talk like that? Why did he walk backward? And what's with the road sweeper's comments?

I liked how Nash made dinner for his mom and of course she's not eating it. That's a very creepy scene.

So I guess the moonlight brought the dog back alive? And now Nash wants to do the same with his mom.

There are so many loose ends and unanswered questions. I want to know why Nash do all these stuffs: bringing a dead dog home, bathing it, etc. Is he some kind of psycho who keeps his mother's corpse at home?

Anyway, it's very interesting but left me a bit confused.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This story included an unusual character in Nash which makes this story stand out from the others. I am not 100% sure of what is going on with Nash, does his constant singing and rhyming indicate some kind of issue? or is he just a boy that is alone? That was one part of this that I think could use a bit more of clarification so I know how to feel about him.
Other than that, I really liked this story, its originality, the mood it creates through Nash's singing, the shots of the dead mom's head over the back of the arm chair with the food untouched, these were all very good, I mean excellent!

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It had a slow start. Felt like you could have gotten to the meatier part of it sooner. Also, Nash is a teen but seems to have a elementary school boy way about him.
Format looks good.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I love the title.

What a strange character! I kind of wish he was a little bit more clear though. I read his dialogue over and over to make sense of what he was saying but couldn't get it.

When you had Nash and the street sweeper speak at the same time, I found that kind of weird. I don't think it was needed.

Nash giving a dead dog a bath would be a disturbing sight. (In a good way))

I didn't think the road sweeper saw the dog, so why would he say "Just like the one I saw earlier" Wasn't it wrapped up?

The mother was dead! I didn't even see that coming. Usually I catch those things.

Aw... I was expecting a big finish. An explanation for the moonlight, or something that didn't have to do with the moonlight at all. I honestly thought the bath revived him. The script just kind of ended.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Ooh, I haven't opened the script yet but you've already prompted me to go and put on "I am the Walrus", I do hope I'm correct about the reference!

Yay, I was right, and what an interesting opening too!!!

:S Sorry, I should get on to the review:
'
Having now read the script I've gotta ask, why "Dead Dog's Eyeball" and not just "Dead Dog's Eye" like the original lyric, I think it sounds a lot better.

What a dark script, however, although ambiguity is good, I think there's a little much of it in your script. There's so much to draw the reader in and make them curious but these hooks never lead anywhere clear.

I think the character of Nash has got to be one of the most interesting I've come across in a 5 page script, I just wish it'd been made more clear whether he already knew the dog was going to be brought back to life by the moonlight or not.

All in all, I think your script shows an incredible imagination and that you have an excellent grasp over the screenplay format, but you need make your story and intention more clear.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I loved first three pages (the song is a hoot and I always liked it), and then I asked myself if the dog was indeed dead and brought to life out of dead - it's an important bit for your plot - it sets up that he is bringing up people/animals from dead and he is planning to do so with his dead mother...but I couldn't be sure that the dog was dead prior to that. I guess yes, otherwise what would be the point... The first three pages are very powerful, funny and I loved the tone of it.

The rest could be perfected, I think. If you started with rhymes why don't you go all the way? It's a very intriguing plot...

his mother coming to life would be another way to end it? - just an idea.

Just a note - the fact that his mother is dead is apparent from the very first pages.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I'd be careful with this one...it teters dangerously close to being self-indulgent without really saying anything. I have to admit, first off, that I didn't "get" it. I don't understand the need for his bizarre recitations of song lyrics or the moonlight bringing the dog to life. I do get that we have a disturbed young man who's kept his dead mother secret from the rest of the world and retreated further into his own universe/reality. I just don't know what it all means in the end. And honestly, maybe I'm not supposed to.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific quirky story. Wonderful writing style.
Love the character of Nash. Unique and interesting; perhaps a little obsessive-compulsive. Particularly appealing is the deliberate lack of explanations. It's accepted that Nash talks in riddles, finds a mutilated dog and brings it home, serves dinner to his passed-on mother, witnesses the rebirth of his beloved dog, and attempts to bring his mother back to life with the same technique that works on his dog. This story has one of the nastiest visuals ever, ""Yellow-matter custard. Dripping from a dead dog's eye." Yuck, and fabulous script writing. Excellent. (Is Daniel Johnston inspiration?)

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Well, this one might win the "Unique Title" award of the contest.

Nash is a unique character, too. But his crazy rhyming (and film-in-reverse action) ends rather abruptly on page 3. Now he sounds normal.

Page 5: "It's plan, anyway." Is this a typo? Take out the contraction and it becomes "It is plan, anyway", and I really don't know what that means.

So, apparently (if I got this one), Nash is waiting for his mom to come back to life like the dog did. But what's the secret? How'd something this miraculous actually work? The dog was unexplained. Just a little moonlight. But we know there must be more to it than that. Did the rhyming work, were they spells or something? If so, why isn't Nash rhyming at the end?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Great title.

That was really creepy. I liked how Nash was at once sympathetic and crazy. This script made a sort of perverse sense that was also unsettling.

I did know that his Mom was dead, although the way it was written ('no response', etc.) made it sound like it was meant to be a reveal.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I think there's a germ of a good idea here but it needs to be developed a bit more. The dog resucitated just because it was hit by moonlight? It's a bit hard to buy. I think you need to expand this angle.

Also try to end on a stronger note, pick some event that has a more clear influence in the outcome on the story. The moon dissapears behind a cloud... but sooner or later there will be another cloudless night, right?

Keep writing.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Your title was very fitting, in a disgusting way.

This is a bizarre story. Very well crafted. Great use of some unusual lyrics. The pace and mood fit very well.

I visualized this as a very desaturated environment. I don't know if you were going for that or not, but that was the mood I got.

I don't know why Nash was so unconcerned about his mother's death though. I also would have liked maybe one or two more lyric lines in the final part hauling the mom upstairs.

I think this will do very well in the contest.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

This is crazy, haha. Love the Nash-character, such good flowing dialogue, insane really. But the point of the story. I expected loads more. The dog resurrection is great and I like all the characters, but it just doesn't come together. There's no point to it at the end. Like you couldn't wrap it up.

Nice for a lasting memory though, but misses the punch it could have. You build up so much, then the ending felt sorrowly empty. Still, the dialogue, great.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was weird (in the good way). It felt like it took place in some alternate universe. If it was supposed to be a reveal that Nash's mother is dead, I did see it coming early on. The story had sort of a "Psycho" vibe to it.

I'm left with many questions and I think some loose ends should be tied up, but this was still a good read.

Your title is unique and graphic, but doesn't really capture what the story is about.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Who's Daniel Johnston?

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Very Good in my book. It's also my vote. Loved the title.

Good writing and good story too. My only wish is that you didn't tell us "no movement" from the mom. If she doesn't do anything, she doesn't do anything. Your comments made it too obvious that she was dead.

The multi-dialogue on page 2 will not be legible if spoken at the same time. I would redo that if I were you.

The writing was good and the story was good. A pleasure to read. :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Quirky and compelling. Nash was a unique character that will stay with me for a while. This one felt like a film and I was consistently impressed that you kept the surprises coming. The answer to the challenge was there with Buster. If I could suggest anything it would be to maybe include a bit of Alex's backstory into his exchange with the street sweeper. Maybe he's a kind hearted guy who always felt bad for Nash and builds him up when he can -- that sort of thing. I was a little surprised that Nash broke away from the limericks to break into song with Van Morrison but it worked in that his arc was completing and he was feeling happy. The bedroom scene at the end worked but I didn't feel too much in the way of completion. I guess I expected something of a twist or maybe a bigger payoff but even with the ending, you surprised me. Nice work.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

Even though the dog and young man grossed me out, I thought that this was a very original premise. I originally thought that with the kid's sing-song creepy lyrics and his infatuation with the dead dog, there couldn't be anything worse in store, but then you gave us the revelation about the boy's mother. This story had a style similar to an episode of "Tales From the Crypt" or "Night Gallery."

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

To be completely honest, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I just read, but I liked it! :-)

I'll just leave it at that.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Totally weird, but totally wonderful. I really like Nash, what a character!! I love the story, even though it made me have goosebumps every so often. My first excellent and I'm quite a ways through.

Your characters are good. The story totally unique and unpredictable. I did figure mom was a goner right when he entered the room. But it just added to the story and the weirdness of it.

I'm dying to see who wrote this.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I don't really understand this story. Nash seems a little crazy, what with all the singing and stuff, but does he have some kind of magical powers? And, if so, he decided to use them on a decaying dead dog before he uses them on his mother? Huh?

But, putting that question aside, the real problem with the story is this -- it's not a story. It's a set-up for a story. We learn that crazy, psycho Nash has an unusual power, and that's kinda cool. Now, what's he gonna do with it? What are the strange and exciting consequences? Simply dragging his mother's body up to bed isn't really a story. It's what happens next that is (or could be) the story.

It's a weird and interesting premise, but not much of a story (in my opinion).

My score: FAIR.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Having read your story top to bottom, I have to say that I don't know if I understand what I am supposed to understand.

But tle's go for parts.

"FADE IN:
BLACK SCREEN"

With all due respect, are you kidding me?

If a screen fades in to black, when does the audience realices the fading has takenn place, that the movie has started?

Later, same thing: you don't "CUT TO BLACK" or to nothing, for the same reason, in a spec script. Those are camere intructions that only the director of the movie gives. This is not a movie, yet, so you are not the director. So, if you ever want to to see your story prosper in the world beyond your front door, you will learn the spec screenplay conventions.

Later, the scenes inside Nash's placed could have been slugged, and I think would actually like that.

And overall you have a fine way to rite. Your characters, while I don't think they are very developed, they are very well drawn, which suffices for a stor of this length.

I still unsure wheas what to happen. Is Nash trying to revive his mother -- a task seemingly unattainable? I guess I'll never know.

Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Well, I'd be liar if I said I fully understood all of this, but I do know that I really like it. I'm not really sure why, but the imagery is great and well constructed, and the prose is equally good. I'm wondering as to how well this would transfer to the screen, but as it stands this is a beautiful, weird piece of writing. Great job, and best of luck!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2010 12:20 AM

I simply love the way you write, but I was surprised this was from you. It seems different from your usual style, but I really loved it. Fantastic script.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 12:28 AM

I loved this. Caroline I must say that you are one of my favorite writers on here (in my short two months here)

This should have placed!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2010 1:34 AM

Caroline I'm shocked this didn't place. Wonderfully done as usual, but this was even a notch higher than your usual amazing work.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 9:11 AM

Great job with this Caroline, I gave it a VG. The visuals make this piece. You have a clear vision of this piece, and you transfer it quite well, at least into my mind. Cheers!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 8:42 PM

Your writing is so consistently superb. I look forward to reading what you write every month.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 5/4/2010 2:45 PM

Review (A haiku)

Skilled writing astounds.
Macabre tales crave atmosphere.
Tis' but Brilliant!

Truly one of your best works in the dark drama category. Honestly, for me you have the best voice distinction for the characters in your scripts. Each speaks and sounds different. A great skill.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 5/4/2010 4:39 PM

Do you have any idea how hard it is to have 20% of your votes be EXCELLENT, and not even land an HONORABLE MENTION???

That's a badge of HONOR...the earmark of a script on the EDGE. Your specialty, I believe!

I loved it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/5/2010 6:07 AM

I'm so delighted with all these comments...which really goes without saying...who wouldn't be? All from people I respect.

Thank you very much all of you. Who needs Hon Mens and places in contests with this kind of accolade? :)