Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

We already know it is an abandoned bar outside. No need to repeat.

various seconds, which doesn't really make sense, should be replaced with BEAT or something of that nature.

Both die at the end? I don't like this.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You know I think this story could be great. But the utter lack of correct grammar and some of the uninspired dialogue really brought it down.

Keeping that in mind, I could feel the essence of the story. You have something here--a great tension between this father/priest/killer and his screwed up daughter. I'm disappointed though that it couldn't have had some better attention to the details. It really was hard to read with all the issues regarding correct verbage. So you will be getting a lot of attention on this detail which unfortunately will make people miss what you really want them to focus on--the story and the characters.

I think you need to do a hard scrub on this. Really clean it up and I think you will see it shine. Good luck with that.

Ashley Gwen Patrick (Level 2)

It was a little difficult to read, but the language/dialect(?) almost became a theme to the story. It helped me picture the characters more and imagine them in a particular place. Words like silent instead of silence didn't bother me the second time I read through it. I'm uncertain as to what it was about. Settling a debt? Revenge? Since both characters appeared to be merciless killers, I didn't see a change go through either of them. A change between one or both of them might have made things a little more dynamic before the bitter end.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Young Lady should be all uppercase the first time we meet her.

The grammar and spelling mistakes are atrocious. A few are acceptable, but there are so many that it's difficult to read the script.

This is basically a "talking heads" script. You have two characters in one scene that do very little but talk. This kind of story works well for a stage play, where you are limited by set designs and production, but not for a film.

My suggestion is to expand the scope of the film with flashbacks and more characters. A scene of Jack and Young Lady's mother at the church would be a good opportunity.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that english isn't your native language. This gets in the way of your story. Some of the word choices, the lack of conjugation, etc are clues; that's what slows the read.

The main issue I have is the empty dialogue. There's a lot of talking without anyone saying anything. You've given them some bad language and some cliche tough-guy lines, but that's it. And that's not doing anything for me. I'm thinking that you didn't know what to write. I think the story in your head was as follows:

The opening scene with the girl walking in and getting shot at. Her catchy line, "I'm here to talk Daddy". Then your ending - she shoots him, and in his last, dying attempt, he shoots her.

If you break it down, that's not a bad little short, but you felt we needed explanations for everything so you had your characters stumble through a conversation like this:

Bob - What do you want?
Bill - Where did you get the sucker?
Bob - What do you want?
Bill - Don't play stupid. Where'd you get the sucker?
Bob - Fuck Bill! What do you want?
Bill - You know what I want.
Bob - Well, you're not getting it.

Of course I'm exagerating, but that's what I felt with your dialogue. Too many questions, because the perception is that tough guys ask questions, they don't answer them. In actuality, that's just a waist of time.

Think about this outline:

Keep your opening up to her saying, "I'm here to talk Daddy."
He shoots at her and says, "I've got nothing to say"
She shoots back, says, "Tell me about Mom."
"She's a dirty whore."
"Where is she?"
"I shot her, just like I should've done to you."
"But I was just a baby. Your baby."
"Not anymore you bastard whore."
He shoots. Misses.
She says, "I'm here for the money."
"I killed a lot of people for that money."
"I killed a lot of people to get here to take it."
"It's God's money."
She shoots him.
He's dying. He shoots her.
They both die.

Just a rough idea, but you can cut-out a lot of the empty dialogue. It's a FAIR for me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This script is really rough around the edges. Tons of typos. The dialogue doesn't flow very naturally and a lot of it is very expository. Several chunks of dialogue and description that are too long and need to be trimmed or broken apart. Some passive voice. Lots of technical problems here.

The story wasn't all that original either. Lady tries to rob bar owned by her father, they end up killing each other. The fact that they were related gives this something a little unique, but overall, the story has been done many times before.

As it reads right now, this needs so much polish that I can't, in good conscience, give it a very high score. I hope that doesn't discourage you though. The only way to improve is to keep at it and you are at a website full of people willing to help you along the way. Nice effort. Write on.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

The title is not bad for this kind of script. It might work even better if there were a double meaning, for example if card games were involved in the script, or if one of the characters were called Ace.

The script is clearly aiming to be a stylish, hard-bitten noir thriller. It fails, but gets points for trying. This type of script is difficult to pull off successfully, and so the writer may want to try writing in other genres to hone their craft.

With this type of script, it’s easy for the violence and swearing to become gratuitous, and that’s what has happened here. It’s best to concentrate on the story. In this case, the story has the germ of a good idea, but is let down by the execution.

Also, the characters are so morally corrupt as to be very unlikeable. (This is especially true of Jack at the end of page 3, and both characters on page 5, where they become ridiculously evil, arguing about how ruthless they are at killing people. Instead of working as black comedy, this just comes across as a bit tasteless.) As this applies to both of the main characters, the reader is left with no-one to root for, which makes it difficult to care about the story. Also, even if the reader cared about the characters, the ending would be depressing.

To be honest, the script is poorly written, and there are lots of spelling and grammatical errors. However, these things can be improved with lots of practice, reading lots of other scripts, and getting other people to proof-read drafts of the writer’s scripts where possible.

For example, on page 1 and page 2, “various seconds” should be “several seconds”.

On page 3, “A silent fills the place.” should be “A silence fills the place.”

On page 3, “Jack throws to the ground the finished cigarette” should be “Jack throws the finished cigarette to the ground”.

I’m giving this a Fair, because the writer has tried. With effort, persistence, and paying careful attention to what they can learn from reviews and other screenplays, hopefully the writer will be able to write scripts that can live up to the ideas in their head.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

EXT. ABANDONED BAR "SPIKE" - NIGHT
There’s a gorgeous and well dressed Young Lady outside a
small, abandoned bar...You've already TOLD us where she is. Don't repeat yourself.

Young lady should be capitalised when she's first mentioned.So should an old man and Jack. Don't tell us she talks to herself - SHOW us!

Your action lines are too long and TELL us things like 'The Young Lady start talking' which we don't need.

I appreciate that maybe English is not your first language and for this I admire you! There's no way I could write a script in a language that is not my own. However, it would be good to get your work checked out by someone who could correct your grammar so your story is not spoiled.

(Enthusiastic)(serious) (Mad)- better not to use parentheticals, especially not so often.

You frequently say your characters 'start to' do something - don't! Just tell us what they do!

It's an interesting relationship between the two people but I found both the violence and the swearing gratuitous - there for effect more than organic.

Good try though. Keep writing!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Honestly, there are so many grammar mistakes here that the story is incomprehensible to me.

Please proof-read your own work or have someone else do it (which is what I do) before sharing it with the world.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things i'd recommend would be to tighten up you blocks of description...don't repeat things in the description that is in the slugline...i.e. ABANDONED BAR then put "outside a small, abandoned bar."...remember, tight and descriptive, not wordy and repetitive...like the fact that you used dialog to tell your story...concentrate on that...some grammatical errors that i'll let the others point out...good luck in the vote...thanks...

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Quite a few grammatical and syntax errors.

Too much use of parantheticals.

Obviously English is a second or third language; I don't fault you for that, but it will be difficult to sell or promote scripts that are so choppy and hard to read.

The story seems very slapped together and didn't really have a hook or keep me interested or caring about either one of the characters. I found it odd that Jack couldn't shoot straight when the Young Lady was right in front of him (and with a shotgun no less!), but then after he's been shot numerous times he is able to take her out with a head shot. I didn't buy it at all.

Definitely in need of some rewrites and a little more story development.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story has potential but, as written, felt stilted. I noticed that the tense of verbs was used incorrectly throughout and some attention might be spent on this in the future. Here are a couple of suggestions:

The slugline for the opening scene is for an “Abandoned bar”. Because of this, it is not necessary to mention “abandoned bar” a second time, in the action paragraph.

I would also suggest that the YOUNG LADY character be given a name.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

First sentence, don't need to repeat your location that's already stated in the slugline.

The Young Lady's first dialogue doesn't sound like talking to herself.

Too many wrylies: serious, enthusiastic, mad, etc. The actors should know how to deliver them given the context of the scene.

When Jack shoots, you said "he fails". But what does that really mean? He slipped? There's not bullet? The Young Lady dodged? You have to give us something visual to show how he fails.

I'm getting really lost on the last couple of pages. The Young Lady was talking about the money for a while. What money? It's not clear why the Young Lady want the money so eagerly. Then they switch topic to killing people and babies?! Didn't really get it.

If the lady is asking for the money, how come she just picked up the money after she shot Jack? I thought she didn't know where the money was. You really need to go back and see if the entire story makes sense.

Overall, although there are lots of problems with the script, you shouldn't feel bad about it. We all start like this. Just keep reading and writing.

FAIR.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Hmmm... there is continual incorrect usage of verbs. I'd suggest having a friend or someone proofread for you before submitting.

The story is dark as I think you intended, but the dialogue needs tweaking to sound less stunted.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You don't have to put how they feel in parenthesis every time. Sometimes it's needed but for the most part, your dialogue and actions should show us how they feel.

I just finished it...

If you're serious about screenwriting, I would suggest going on simplyscripts.com and checking out some. A screenwriter you might want to look up whom follows the rules perfectly is M. Night Shyamalan. He uses "we" but other than that he's pretty straight forward.

Back to your script:

I'm going to break down your first page for you, so maybe you can use the advice for the rewrite and future submissions.

- you've already established that the bar is called Spike in the scene heading, so you didn't have to put it in action afterwords.

- the fact that she is gorgeous and well dressed has nothing to do with the story. Just stick with descriptions that push your character forward. Like the priest with the patched eye. That had a purpose because when he shot at her, he missed.

- you could take the scene where "young lady" talks to herself, out. There's no need for it. It doesn't say anything about her character.

- you should have given her a name. We would like to relate to your character.

- you have long paragraphs of action. They shouldn't exceed more than 3 line. When "young Lady" enters the bar it could have been simply put like this:

Young lady steps in. A shotgun blast nearly rips her head open. Jack, an elderly priest, adjusts his eye patch as he reloads.

Young Lady
Hey Jack. Nice seeing you again.

- "Jack leaves the shotgun on the desk, soon after he gets a cigarette out, light it up and start smoking it." Remember, less is better. You could have said:

Jack sets his weapon down. Pulls out a smoke. Takes a pull.

It's kind of implied that he would light it. And "light it up and start smoking" you should add an "s" to the end of "light" and "start" You make that mistake several times throughout the script.

- "A silence fills the place for various seconds" You could have saved a line if you just ended it at "place". "Various seconds wasn't needed. Again, less is better.

- "Why did you shot me" you meant "why did you SHOOT AT me"

I hope this helps. Keep trying. Good luck. :)

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I'm not going to go into plot or character of this script, first you need to learn how to effectively write in the screenplay format.

You've got most of the basics but for some reason your grammar is all over the place. For example just on your first page "shoot" should be "shoots", "He fail" should be "He fails", "the young lady start talking" should be "the young lady starts talking","light it up and start smoking it" should be "lights it up and starts smoking it".

You don't need to use quite so many parentheses, you can usually let the actors and director work out how to deliver the lines.

Small errors in your sentences leave them making little sense, for example, "The Young Lady get’s a knife out from her purse, and stabs it on Jack’s left hand" should be "The Young Lady gets a knife from her purse, and stabs it into Jack's left hand".

Also, try to vary your descriptions, otherwise you may bore the reader, for example "Jack throws to the ground the finished cigarette" and "The Young Lady throws the finished cigarette to the ground" are extremely similar and only separated by one line in your script.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a compelling set-up -- a mistreated daughter of a hitman returning to take revenge. But the construction felt artificial and forced. They spent a lot of time explaining their lives to one another, even though they knew most of it already. And the location served as barely more than a stage. In a film, the characters should interact with their environments.

Also I wasn't sure why JACK was named but YOUNG LADY was not.

But the setup itself was strong, a lot of tension to the situation and two characters with very unusual backstories that gives them the potential to be really engaging.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

All I wanna know is, How did the money appear in her hands at the end? She was shaking him down for it, obviously because she didn't know where it was, but then at the end it just appeared in her hands before she tries to leave.

The script is exciting because it shows off two badass characters whom are related as father and daughter. However, nothing else comes of this. Their conversation is a cliched mix-match of words chosen from other badasses in other movies and did not seem at all original. Why she hunted him down for the money is never explained. Throughout, it feels as if there is no story, just a badass scene being played out byu two badasses.

Your writing needs to be tightened and you should chose your words carefully. The scene is not bad, but the way the events flow and the lack of story is what makes it a difficult read. Keep working hard and you'll get better. Good Luck!

Katie Va (Level 3)

This is very very very poorly written. The grammar is of a very low standard. It's not proper english, there is no flow throughout the dialogue.
I didn't understand the characters or their relationship or their conflict.
What money?
From where?
Why were they killing people?
None of it made sense.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I don't know why I'm laughing. I don't know. Ace Killers for the title, reminds me of an 80's rock band or ballad. I was singing Ace Killers... Ace killers to rock music and banging my head. Ace killleeeeeeeeeuuueeeers. yeeeeeeaaaaah.
Ok to your script.
I'll be frank this needs a rewrite. This needs some work on everything. Young lady give her a name. Please. Even if it's fake. You also rushed this. It is evident by the last couple of lines. As I've said already this story just seems too corny for me.

Your dialogue is not good and there are many many typos in your dialogue. Also the premise is just out there. The action lines are all over the place. The young lady needs a name for goodness sake please name her.
Pg 1: Is fine except for grammar and typos.
Pg 2: More typos thick paragraphs and indulgent dialogue.
Pg 3: Awkward dialogue long action lines. Something about daddy and badass.
Pg 4: gets not get. More awkward sentences. The script doesn't have anything that pops out at me.
Pg 5: A rushed conclusion with more awkward sentences. (lose the parentheticals.)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the flow and the story and I understand what it is about.

The priest seems to have second thoughts about conceiving the baby with the woman whom he calls "a whore". At the beginning I thought he's ashamed and remorseful but then, learning that he steals from believers, I'm a little confused.

The end is pretty satisfying I thought.

I don't know if I should go past the grammar which is not top notch.

Kirk White (Level 5)

the story and setup of this has potential...I think there are some syntax and tense issues that I'm assuming are the result of translation. I think you don't need as much explicit detail in your action lines "she starts to talk as she walks toward him" is a bit overkill. I don't see how she finds the money at the end...seems like it was just there all along.

It's hard to score this one...gonna give a good because of the characters and premise. but the script needs a rewrite and some verb tense work.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A couple dangerous characters, this "gorgeous and well dressed Young Lady" and the "old man dressed like a priest, with an eye patch," Jack.
The dialogue is too long. Except for some minor diversions: smoking, Jack throwing a picture away, Jack's hand stabbing and the shootings at the end, the two characters talk for five pages. The "Abandoned Bar" single location works for the intense drama between father and daughter, but the characters could use something else to do or some type of a distraction. Maybe another party interested in the money knows father and daughter are meeting at the bar and busts in; the other party could be in collusion with either the father or the daughter.

Leonard Walker (Level 3)

The narrative confused me. Plus, it’s too bad that grammar and typing errors diluted what clarity there was to be found in the story. Script needs a little more work and a good ending. Sorry, gave it my best shot.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm sorry to say I don't have any positive things to say about this. The writing needs work, the dialog was especially bad. I get the feeling there might be a language barrier. In that case it would be wise to have someone go over your work before it's submitted.

There are some format mistakes like not CAPPING characters names when first intro'd.

The story didn't appeal to me at all. Almost felt cartoonish. Like it would be an anime type film.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is an interesting idea. I like the idea of an evil priest, and how his daughter is trying to get the money back, but it was really held back by how many errors there were.

Quite a few of your verbs are incorrect: "shoot", "fail", "light" etc. are missing an "s" on the end, . There are also some other grammar and word use ("various seconds" especially jumped out at me) issues that are a bit trickier to sort out. I won't try to correct each one, but there are a lot of this kind of mistake.

Beyond these simple errors, some of your action could be tightened up or made clearer. The dialogue is unrealistic and not very convincing. I don't buy that they would just stand around talking to each other and taking turns to shoot at each other.

Some good ideas, but this could do with another proof-read.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I’m under the impression that English isn’t your mother language, so I won’t score you down for grammar “mistakes”.

The phrase “For what more?” (which makes perfect sense if translated literally to Spanish) might suggest you’re a Spanish speaker. Mexico maybe?

I like the noir-ish feel of this story. And there are some very cool elements like the killer priest who thinks was appointed by God for these killings.

I feel like your characters are too “honest” with each other; they say exactly what they want and what they feel. This makes the plot a bit predictable.

Give your characters hidden agendas. Make them lie to each other (at least at the beginning).

For example, she says “you’re getting killed Jack” and then she shoots him. That’s not surprising. The audience knew that was coming, so the scene doesn’t have much impact.

Imagine if, instead of telling the truth, she says something like “I miss you dad”, and moments later she whips out a gun and butchers him. That would have been more surprising.

And the scene would have a clear dramatic impact, revealing to the audience she didn’t miss her dad at all; she was just lying to get to his money.

Not saying you should do this, of course. It’s just an example to prove my point.

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

There might be a decent story in there somewhere.

I don't know if the title works. Neither of the characters actually seemed to be much of an ace when it came to killing.

Obviously there are numerous grammar and basic English errors. I would work on correcting those issues first. Maybe have a friend proofread before future submissions to make sure the basics are correct.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Let me say right at the beginning that the concept of this story has potential: a sleazy girl and her father, the defrocked priest. There's also some potential in the money angle, and a chance at a moral payoff: I killed them all for the church.

Other than that, I found this story very hard to read. I was tripped up by grammer in a lot of places and, if I were you, I would seriously search for a good proofreader. It won't matter how good your story is if you can't communicate it to your audience. I also had a sense that you were trying to add an urban, street-smart vernacular to the writing. That's great if you use it in dialogue, but the rest of it needs to be clear, well-written language. Period.

The story needs some sense of drama beyond guns and knives pointed at everyone. I like that the priest is a terrible shot. What else can you do with that? How did the girl pull a knife out of her purse and stab the priest's hand while holding a gun on him. The audience won't make a giant leap of logic like that unless it's science fiction and you prepare the audience for that leap.

What about the ending? Can there be a bigger surprise? What if Mom walked in? What if the girl had a sibling? Could it take place somewhere besides an abandoned bar? Think about your original premise and look at the alternatives. And start fresh with your next rewrite.

Keep learning . . . you obviously have some imagination. You need to learn more mechanics so we can see it!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Welcome to Moviepoet.

You have a nice idea and it's certainly is dynamic in it's premise, but it's riddled with typo's and simple confusion. It seems you have some idea of what is supposed to happen in movies, but the dialogue just doesn't add up. Like when he says he doesn't have the money, her response is totally odd.

Also, it seems people shoot at each other then forget they have more bullets. They just miss and give up. The shotgun disappears for no reason and out comes another gun.

Keep trying, keep reviewing. You'll get better.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Unfortunately, there are many screenwriting, formatting, and typo issues throughout that, inevitably and detrimentally, detract from your story.

It might be insipidly presumptuous of me to infer this, but I think the writer here might not be a native English speaker and I think that affected the writing, thus impacting your scores and reviews. Other than my standard advice below, I might suggest improving your fundamental writing and grammar skills, then continue screenwriting.

The best advice I can give you:

Read other scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are in terms of dramatic writing and screenplay appearance, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing. Good luck to you.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's interesting to see the juxtaposition of family affairs and gunfire. If you can punctuate the angry past with shotgun blasts, it makes for a nice visual metaphor for what's going on.

The story and dialogue are hard to follow. The connections between Jack and his "god", the church, the money, Lady, her mother, are all there, but they don't seem to meet anywhere. Why hash all this out? Lady wants the money, Jack has it. There's no emotionally obvious reason for them to chit chat, especially considering the longer Lady talks, the more likely it is that she'll be shot. She starts talking about things that just don't need to be said, tossing off a story about murdering a pregnant woman as an "oh, by the way". You need to up the stakes: why does this talk need to happen?

Minor actions also need more reason behind them. Lady has a gun, why pull out a knife? Jack has a shotgun out, why pull a second gun?

The language needs a lot of revision - lots of verbs with wrong tenses, sentence fragments that aren't clear, and a thick, final paragraph that loses steam when it should build to an explosive climax.

It sounds like you have a solid idea behind these characters; polish the script a little more to make the story clearer.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

...don't know about this one. I'm going to assume English is not your native language so I'll look past all the typos and grammar errors and concentrate on the story instead.

The story wasn't that engaging to be honest. None of the people showed any good traits at all. They are both killers...even pregnant women. This makes me not like either one of them. In other words, I couldn't care less if they both die. That's the major issue with this story. There were also other things that didn't make sense at all. Like abandoned bar, but it still has a neon sign lit up. Is it abandoned or just closed. Inside is a desk and another desk at the other end of the bar? Not that I go to a lot of bars, but I can't recall seeing a lot of desks in them. Did you mean table? Also, what is a priest doing in an abandoned bar? Is he a real priest btw? He sounds more like a sailor IMHO.

Why didn't you give The Young Lady a real name? Jack has a name. I think she should have one as well. Usually speaking parts, especially when they are main characters are given real names.

Anyway, I hope any of this will be helpful in some way. I'm sure some people will be hard on you for the English, but I honestly looked past that as I know that can be frustrating since I'm not an English native myself.

Ray Bogdanovich (Level 2)

I always comment on writing style as it is almost as important as story and character, especially if you want your work read in the system.

Your style works well, and is clear, but lacks fire and punch. Maybe you would consider jazzing it up and little? Good effort, though.

Again, your characters are a little stock but I "bought" them so to speak, so that is not a real problem. They seemed alive to me, which is a good thing!

Nice little story neatly told.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm a little confused by your story. I wonder if you are of another nationality and the translation of language makes it harder to understand. I applaud you for attempting to enter this months competition as this was a really hard one this month.

Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done here, to make sense of the story. But I think with some work you can make it happen. You have conflict and drama, all these are good elements in any short script.

Good luck with this.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I commend you for completing this screenplay and entering this contest. Great! Good on ya!

But this screenplay needs a lot of work in many areas. Let's just focus on two of those areas: 1) basic grammar and 2) crafting a story.

Your screenplay has a lot of errors in basic English grammar. So many errors, in fact, that I suspect English might not be your primary language. Whether it is or not, your grammar needs a lot of work. There are tools for every trade, and these tools must be mastered if you're going to be successful at that trade. Writing is no exception. The basic tool of the writing "trade" is grammar. Before you can expect to be a successful writer, you must devote some time to mastering basic English grammar and word usage. After reading your script, I'd say that's probably your primary challenge.

Secondly, the art of crafting a story. There are rules and guidelines to successful storytelling. It's not enough to throw two characters together in a bar and have them shoot and stab each other while discussing their past history. A good story requires much more. The characters have to be developed so we understand them and care about what happens to them. The story must be developed so we're drawn in and interested from beginning to end. There should be surprise, suspense, and satisfaction. There are tried and true ways to accomplish these things. Once you've mastered basic grammar, your next challenge will be to learn the art of storytelling. Then you'll be on your way.

Your script, as written, needs to be completely reworked. As I mentioned above, I'd start with the grammar, then work on the story.

My score: FAIR.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was a bit of a difficult read. The dialogue didn't read right, the English wasn't quite there and it didn't come across as natural because of it.

You repeat what's said in your opening scene heading in the following paragraph. That's really just a waste of space, so I would go through that and edit it out.

The story itself didn't really go anywhere for me. They both kill loads of people for money. She wants his money for some reason and she thinks he's her dad. He says he isn't and won't give her the money. She shoots him and takes the money but he shoots her too. The end.

I don't get what you were trying to say with this piece and as a pure piece of entertainment it didn't work for various reasons - nobody to root for and the reasons mentioned above.

You may have a good idea here but it wasn't fulfilled with this script.

Sue Ploeger (Level 3)

I think this is the story you had in mind:
A young lady goes into a deserted bar to confront her father about her mother’s death and what happened to a cache of money. They both have their say. Then they kill each other.

There are two issues here with your execution of this story idea.

Although this story has much to offer in terms of sources of conflict, your telling of the story mostly consists of the characters yelling at each other and then shooting each other. You might try a different tact next time. It’s more interesting when a character can go through a rough experience and change somehow, hopefully for the better, and survive the experience. Maybe they learn something about themselves (they’re stronger/braver/worthier than they thought). Maybe they learn something new about a relationship (the young lady and her father) and she comes to terms with her mother’s death at her father’s hand. This character change is the heart of your story.

The other issue has to do with your command of the English language. Your written English skills are below average and get in the way of a reader enjoying your story. I would suggest that you redouble your efforts in improving your written English skills so that your future stories can be appreciated by an American audience.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Mistakes on the first page turned me off, typo "fail" "light" and "start" all need an S a the end, and tech errors (the man dressed like a priest is Jack and needs to be identified). By the middle of page one and I get to "various seconds", I am wondering if the writer is ESL (English as a Second Language)?

Overall, I found it hard to read, the use of parens (direction) in the dialog is further distracting. And, the story didn't really go anywhere. I didn't get it.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I'm going to assume that English is a second language for you, which would account for all the spelling and grammatical errors, as well as your choice of wording. By the time you reach this review, I'm sure you've heard all about it, so I'll stick to story and plot elements.

Frankly, I'm not really sure what's happening in this script. This may be due to the way it reads, but I'd like to think that with a careful eye you can look past that. Still, I'm confused. From what I gather, the girl out to kill her father, Jack, and steal his money because as a priest he knocked up her mother and then killed her. He spent the intervening years raping, stealing and killing many people (presumably as a priest), and somehow getting rich doing it. So now, he hangs out at an abandoned bar with one missing eye, laughing and guarding his money. The young woman has spent those years trying to find him, and evidently killing just as many people in the process. Finally, they kill each other.

The story itself just seem very scattered. At one point she's talking about revenge, then theft, then cold-blooded murder. At the same time, Jack is going on a tirade against religion, the girl's whore mother, and so on. In the end, the whole thing feels contrived. I'd suggest a re-write. Try to find the heart of what you're trying to say, and let the rest come naturally. Best of luck!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This is absolutely terrible. Clearly English is not your first language but still this is just dreadful. There is no story here and it makes absolutely no sense and there is no point to it. Don't want to be overly harsh but there isn't a single positive thing I can say about this script.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this script would play a lot better if there was more to it than the back and forth with Jack and The Young Lady on one level, and what I mean by that -- what about more color? What if you weren't so "on-the-nose" and showed more emotion, a back and forth within each character as it relates to abandonment, repentance, guild and anger?

The script is one-dimensional as it reads, and with more layers, it becomes that much more interesting.

Comments Made After the Contest

Adam Fisher (Level 0) ~ 1/28/2011 5:01 PM

It's got a really cool name, and that's about it. There are spelling errors, and no depth to the story. I feel you put the focus on the violence and not much of the story. It also seems rushed. I'd put a little more focus on which story I am trying to tell versus telling all of these subplots.