Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Why put this story in the past? Are you going to mix it with a real event that happened in history? Why did the atheist get wings? Sorry, lots of questions. But that has to be a good thing because I am interested.

Adam Barnett (Level 2)

Wow. Really good plot and logline. The title is fitting as well. As for the description itself it's not too short, not too long, and doesn't have too much information crammed unnecessarily into one sentence. Everything that needs to be there (keyword: needs) is. And the way you crafted this logline (structurally) had me from beginning to end. The vocabulary and placement of words is excellent.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Heard of a movie called "Legion" that came out recently? Thats what I thought of when I read this. I like the 19th century spin, and title fits well. The logline itself is very well constructed and reads very smoothly. Good work!

Bobbi Burton (Level 2)

This is a very good title and logline. I hope the script has been researched well if you are writing both a period piece and a script with religious undertones. I'd be very interested in reading the script by this logline and think you have done an excellent job of generating interest in your work with this logline.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Excellent job. The premise is unique and intrigueing. As for the logline - it's wonderful. You've given me so much about your movie without giving me too much. I'm not so sure about the term 'atheistic', but it's fine. Very excellent job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I like the title. If anything, I'd say it could be a little darker. It sounds more like a rom-com than a dark religious thriller, but it's catchy nonetheless.

The genre seems clear. As I mentioned above, this appears to be a dark religious thriller.

Let me first say that I love the premise and that this is a script or film I'd be interested in checking out. The logline flows quite nicely. That being said, the logline fell a little flat for me. It's basically a summary of the first act, not the full story. Who is the antagonist? What is the hero's goal? Who is his ally? Those questions should all be answered by a logline, but are not answered here. Basically we know this atheist grows some wings and becomes the centerpoint in a religious war, but I would assume that all happens in the first act so I'm left wondering what the second and third acts will hold. Obviously, the religious war will rage, but what is the hero's role in it?

There were no errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar that I noticed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Have you read Mr.Pye by Mervyn Peake? Very similar premise.

From Grace - funnily to me seems incomplete - Falling From Grace, yes. I suppose that already exists?

I would like to see this, though. It sounds like my sort of film!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hmmm, I've reviewed 5 other loglines so far and most mention a historic time. This is usually awful in loglines unless really necessary, because it screams high production costs. In this case I'm fine with it, because it gives us an idea of the mentalities of the day, of course it could just be set in the deep south, but I digress.

Who's the protag? Is the war his challenge or his fight for power? Need more answers.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Wonderful title.

I love that this takes place at the end of the 19th century. It gives this story a whole different mood and atmosphere.

The mysterious appearance of wings is very compelling and a great hook.

Your logline is excellent and I really want to read this a lot.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "From Grace"

This is certainly an original concept to me. The logline is graphic and clearly tells the story. (With the exception of the very end -- "struggle for control" -- which I assume means struggle for control of his own life. But the logline definitely did its job, it got me interested in the story, and now I want to see it.

Without knowing more details of the story, I'm not sure if the title can be improved on or not.

We look forward to reading the screenplay, please send it as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was very good. I like your story, and you do a very good job of conveying your thoughts and the storyline in just a few simple sentences.

Well written.

Darren Ryan (Level 2)

Great title, and it instantly has me visualizing the story. I wonder if you need the mention of the "mysterious sores" and "wings"? It seems to me that you can have a proper effect with going from "London scholar" to "becomes the reluctant crux". For me, that would be more fluid and have enough vagueness that begs me to find out more. Nice work.

David Birch (Level 5)

i think you had your title in the logline..."the crux"...since he's going to be the central figure in the story (and the "war")...a title that reflects that would be most dramatic...i'd prefer that we get some sort of clue as to who the belligerents in the war are going to be, as it reads, its a little ambiguous...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Great title.

I get a sense right off the bat that this movie is going to move fast. I am curious how you are going to include wings into this and why. It makes more sense to me without wings - I can already picture the drama even if he just gets sick or something.. This has lots of awesome potential.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Superb logline; very clear and concise, no wonders what it's about. Cannot find anything to comment on as this is thus far the best logline I've read.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent title and logline line. I hope this one progresses to the next round. I rate it EXCELLENT.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Title seems a bit vague to me. Sounds like the makings of an intriguing epic story. The logline is well-written and clear. The main character's journey and crisis are well laid out and the stakes are high. Nice job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I think this is pretty good.

Right off the bet we are given the setting, the type of protagonist, and the inciting incident. The markings turning into wings is interesting and original as well.

My concern of this logline is: which side is our protagonist on in this religious war? And who are the antagonist? And struggle for what type of control?

These unanswered questions, unfortunately, make me to give you a very good instead of an excellent.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The logline is written well for what is included. The write up is definitely tight and flows well. It is one of the better written loglines in the contest.

As far as content, I would have like to known a bit more about the scholar and what exactly will happen to him or who is involved in the religous war. The logline is bordering on too general so that I cannot quite tell what kind of movie this will be. As is, I feel like this could be many quite different movies and would like something that would focus it in more for me. I'm not sure why this would have to be in London, in the closing years of the 19th century, etc., these kinds of things make me wonder what kind of movie it will be. Is it a period piece, is it about those times as much as it is about religion, etc.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I believe this is the best logline I've read thus far. Not too much, not too little, just right. Good title. Ending on a hook. Nice wording. Interesting story!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow, very interesting story. Can't wait to read the first 10!

I think there should have been a comma between develop and into.

The rest of the logline is on point. The title... I can take it or leave it, but I love the logline and the actual story. I'm giving this one an excellent. :) I hope you make it to the top thirty.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title is pretty good. I didn't care for the "atheistic" word. I would have preferred another word or phrasing of the word. Overall I think the logline really conveyed the plot. It sounds like an interesting idea and it was very original and stayed away from most of the cliches I've read so far.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

Interesting. You have a character caught in a conflict, a compelling emotional struggle, and a theme. My only question would be: how prevalent was the the belief in winged angels in 19th Century Protestant London?

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Love the premise -- athiest scholar grows wings. That right there is enough to sell it for me.

But... from "he becomes the reluctant crux"... foward, it becomes too vague and non-specific. "Struggle for control" of who? What is his specific aim in this religious war? Who is he fighting against, and what obstacles will he face?

I'd also like to know more about the antagonist, if there is a specific one.

But nice job overall. Title works nicely as well.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I'm thinking that all we really need to know here is that this atheistic scholar grows wings, turning him into an angel.

Justin Ormsby (Level 3)

Good title, better logline. Leaves me intrigued. The only question I really have is what is the main character looking to control? Also, seems like something should be said about the conflict that is sure to occure between the main character's atheism and this new found proof of the paranormal. I'd definitely see this movie, but I think the logline could use a little bit of development.

Katie Va (Level 3)

The title "From Grace", an obvious illusion to biblical falls. Eve or Satan?
It's interesting to find an atheistic character in this setting, though it's important to remember that the idea of atheism at that time was different to what it is now.
I'm curious about the religious war, but I don't know what it's about or why they're bothering to fight it. You grow wings, you join the circus. Freaks are freaks, they don't reluctantly begin wars. What is it about this simple scholar that is important enough to start a war?

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Not interested in this. It goes into something weird that I'm not sure if I'll find fun. I don't know if this can work but it is a good logline.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm thinking Excellent.

Your logline has all the components of the perfect logline, I think. The genre, the theme, the topic, the protagonist, the conflict - it's all there. The story feels pretty unique and thus compelling.

The title could be better, I think, right now it's pretty random for me. But okay.

I'm anxious to read it. thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this idea. not 100% wild about the whole 19th century angle as it's gonna be expensive to produce...but I definately want to read this script.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be character-driven science-fiction.
There is definite irony in an atheist who sprouts wings and becomes pivotal in "a religious war." The time period in London conjures up images and scenes that may resemble "Sherlock Holmes."
The title is not directly drawn from the well-written logline, but "Grace" infers a religious connotation.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

An alternative history, I see. A wild storyline you've got going on here, although I'm having a devil of a time (pun, anyone?) trying to figure out who the antagonist is, who the participants of the war are, etc. Raises a lot of strange questions, all of which might need a word or two in the logline. You could easily make room for the answers, too, by deleting that last unnecessary phrase which begins with: "which turns his once... etc."

The title is pretty good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay. It sounds like it's going to be a chick flick, though.

I'm not sure what you're planning here. Is this about his struggle for personal control, or the warring parties' struggle to gain control of him? I get that there will be a personal thing going on because he's an atheist and he's essentially turning into an angel. Or do I?

What is the main conflict?

What are the stakes? Who or what is the antagonist?

Those questions asked, I really love the concept so far. I've had a real "why didn't I think of that" moment when I read this.

The layout is pretty good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This could be interesting. Reminds me of a couple different films where people turned into angels or demons and grew wings. I'd find some words you can use to separate your idea from the rest. The second half of the last sentence is pretty vague. Maybe there you can be more specific about what happens.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Now here's a very interesting place in history to set a religious war. Victorian times moving into the 20th century immediately brings Jack the Ripper to mind. This sounds like a great idea for an alternative history, and I hope you incorporate many Steam Punk elements into it.

The main character is very well described.

The antagonistic force is a little vague. Who is this religious war against? We've seen many of these - some are the second coming, God's forces fighting demons, unleashing the Antichrist, some even with humans fighting angels (the upcoming Legion for example). From the main character becoming an angel, I assume he's fighting the devil?

The best films that draw on Christian mythology, using angels and demons, have very precise rules that govern how the beings interact. Constantine, although not a perfect film, is a good example of this. I hope you have these rules in mind before you write supernatural scenes.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Cool, he grows wings. Nice hook. And gets involved in a religious war. That means conflict. Of the epic kind it seems. Love all this.

The rest of the logline is a bit vague, though. "Struggle for control" could mean so many things. And what is this war about exactly? God and Satan? Angels and demons?

I would suggest tweaking the logline in order to answer:

What is he fighting for? Who is he fighting against? And what happens if the "wrong" side wins? This is crucial. The stakes must be clear. It's was make us hope that the protagonist succeeds in his quest (and want to read the script to find out if he does).

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Simple and effective.

Logline - Very engaging. The only difficulty I have here is the end of the line - a struggle for control. His self control? Is he seeking some greater level of community/world control?

Story - The most unique I've read so far. If it is able to maintain some realism like Dan Brown's works, it could be quite enjoyable.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

The title is okay.

I find the subject and story premise intriguing, though the logline is a tad too long I think. It could be more concise and pack more punch. Try this formula: "While struggling with A, protagonist, reaches new emotional state B". Without knowing how the story unfolds I cannot say what the 'new emotional state' would be, but I could venture a guess like "...becomes the leader of God's army" or something like that.

Overall, sounds very intriguing. Can't wait to read the first ten pages.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

The title is certainly fitting but it doesn't really have much punch.

I really like the imagery and feeling that I get from this logline. It really tunes me into the mood of the script.

However, it could be sharpened up. I think you could lose mention of the sores and just indicate that he is growing wings. I would also like more indication of the powers at work here. Who are the players (hero/villain) in this 'religious war' and what is the goal for the scholar?

The writing here is very well good and this sounds like it could be a cool and interesting screenplay. Just think you are missing some essential elements that would heighten my interest even more.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: ok. sounds like it could be a romance. Vaguely fits with the premise.

Story: Interesting idea. This piqued my interest but the last part of your logline is vague and confusing.

'reluctant crux' - not sure what this means - he is the pivot the war focuses on? How does that work?

'turns his once idyllic life into a struggle for control.' again very vague - control for what? the war? his life back?

There is no clear goal here as it's not clear who's side he is on or what he wants the outcome to be; perhaps the goal is just to survive.

An intriguing idea that needs to be developed more.

Craft: Well constructed sentence but quite vague about how the story develops.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

I like the title -- nice working of the fall from grace without including the entire line. Also, I generally like the logline. It sets up a very good conflict, both external (the world) and internal (the scholar's own atheism). The logline really works up until the last clause. What is the "struggle for control"? Who is the struggle between or among? The ending leaves me not sure where it is going. Overall, the logline and title are pretty high concept and suggest that a story that could interest a reader or producer in seeing the entire script. It is one good edit away from being an "excellent."

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Very impressive. I understand what the story is, who the protagonist is and what his goals are; and who the antagonists are and what their goals are. The story is interesting and original, without being cliche. There is even a limit on meaningless grabber words. Well done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Very very good. Tight descriptive logline that presents setting, athmosphere, lead and obstacles. I do wish you pointed out his goal a bit more and what's actually causing this struggle for control, but those are details. The title is somewhat related, but sounds more RomCommy then a true action/religion take. I'm interested, bring it on.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Interesting, sounds like it could have some cool, dark visuals. There's a movie that just came out, but I forget the name and I think it's set in present times. It had winged men flying around and looked like it had religious wars going on.

Title: I like it, how it plays on fall "from grace."

Pete Barry (Level 5)

First off, the logline certainly demands a read of the first ten pages. It's highly imaginative, and there just something about 19th century London that makes dark fantasy work. The contrast of the atheist and the supernatural transformation (unless he's a mutant? Hm.) makes for a great internal as well as external battle.

There a single turn of phrase that derail an otherwise excellent logline. The fact that his sores turns into wings is astonishing, unexpected, delightful, frankly, it's the germ of an unbelievable supernatural story. You introduce the idea in a supporting phrase in the second sentence as if the religious war is the big deal. HE'S GROWING WINGS! That should be the climax of one of the two sentences. For instance, change the second sentence to, "He becomes the reluctant crux of a religious war when the markings begin to develop into wings." That's not perfect, but you get the idea - the war is good, but the HOLY COW moment is that the guy is growing these wings. You could actually whittle the whole thing down to one sentence with that idea in mind.

Otherwise, a very nice logline.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title feels spot on for your concept. Although perhaps if you are going for a dark story something more ominous might be a good idea.

The story sounds great to me. You've got very natural conflicts, both broad and internal, that you can work with. At the moment you've not mentioned any other characters, either supporting or antagonist, which I guess gives me a nagging worry about this lacking in interactions.

The logline works well for me, although I could see it being possible to tightened up some of the descriptive aspects of it in order to make space for some idea of who else will be key to the story.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

I like the logline - it conveys all the information I need about the movie - main character, several conflicts and the subject of the movie. I could see this become a good action movie with a message.
The title is suitable and well-chosen. By itself, it wouldn't draw attention or make me see the movie, but coupled with the logline it makes sense.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I got lost on this one. Why the closing years of the 19th century instead of giving an actual year? Concise and it immediately allows the reader to move on. I stopped and started on 'atheistic' several times. Not a word I commonly encounter and not sure what it means. For me, that spells trouble because if I have to look it up and I have a hundred log lines to read, I'm going to skip over it and only go back if I absolutely love the rest. When I did read the rest, I got confused again with 'reluctant crux.' The plot seems convoluted and difficult to understand. I think it's key to give the reader a taste of what the film is about and make them 'want' to read what you've got. If you struggle with reading the log line, you might struggle with the writer's script. Just a suggestion.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I'm really intrigued about this story. I found it to be very eye-catching. You cover the main topics very well and set up the movie nicely.

The only suggestion I have would be to tighten this up just a bit. You could easily just put "discovers" instead of "wakes to find", and "on his back" instead of "running down his back" to save a little space. Other than that, I like this a lot.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

This is very cool premise. The inner conflict of what is happening and the main character's beliefs sets a great tone. I would like to know a bit more about this scholar's struggle for control in this "war"...is he the only angel? or is he the speculation of the pious versus the academic?

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I like alternate reality based stories and you've based a fantasy within your alternate reality scenario which makes the premise interesting.

I do feel that the idea has been explored a few times, especially with TV shows like "Angel" and quite a few films that deal with Angels or people given angel like powers and asked to battle evil religious cults or Satan and his minions.

The title though unique doesn't have that zing which'll make it memorable.

I wish there was one more sentence to explain his role in the events unfolding and he doesn't just wake up to find sores. Other interesting characters, a sense of time frame within the movie's world. How much time before the war starts or ends?

One more specific plot clue is all I ask.

Only then do I want to read the first ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like your title. Very strong. I think the logline is good, it tells us exactly what the movie is going to be about. It's quick and to the point, yet gives a lot of detail. I gave it a very good.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Good. It generally ties in with your logline.

Story - A struggle for control of what? Him? His life? Religion? Sanity? I think that line is meant to be your hook so the fact that I'm confused about what you mean, makes it hard for me to score this.

Craft - It's very long and poetic and doesn't really say too much about your story. You barely mention the religious war and I think that's most likely the majority of your story. Who is the war between? What are the stakes if the bad guys win? What happens if the protagonist succeeds?

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is the most original and creative logline I've read so far (although, it's only the 14th one I've read.) Still, I would go to see this movie based on this logline alone.

I wouldn't change a word.

My score: EXCELLENT.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Doesn't really grab the attention very much and suggests drama to me.

Logline: Very interesting idea with the wings and all that, a real life angel. Tying in with the title I'm getting that he was an angel that fell from Grace but he's getting his wings back.

Summary: Interesting idea and a pretty well written logline. Title could be rethought possibly to make it stand out. Wouldn't mind reading the first 10 pages.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

I like the title and I like the general concept of the story. I would have liked to have seen a bit more attention spent on establishing a tone for the piece. Based on what we have here this could go in several different directions. Is this going to be a battle heavy R rated flick, ala Legion and Constantine, or something lighter?
I also think you could have trimmed a bit of this. Clean, simple and to the point always works best for me. Your first sentence - In the closing years of the 19th Century - could have been done as "In 1899..." or something like that. Not as poetic, certainly, but I'm guessing the date is not nearly as important to the story as the atheistic scholar finding himself the crux of a religious war.
Another word of caution - anytime you have overt religious themes you're going to run into some trepidation on the part of producers. I wrote a piece once about a modern day reincarnation of the arch angel Michael and that immediately scared off the producer. She said those kinds of films are hard to sell to audiences, so they shy away from them. Just something to keep in mind.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This story sounds marvelous, but the convoluted logline made me scratch my head. I suggest tightening this up into one punchy sentence, something like: In 19th century London, an atheist scholar grows a pair of wings and gets caught in the middle of a holy war.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: It's alright, but I think you can do better.

Logline:

I really like this. The concept is an interesting and unique one... it fulfills enough logline requirements that I won't quibble. And from your description, I believe you have the chops to write the full length script... or the 1st 10 pages, anyway.

Based on that, you get a Very Good. Well done.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

Background - clear. Protagonist - clear. Story - clear. Complications - sort of clear.

A very interesting idea and a lovely title, intriguing with its suggestions.

The logline itself flows well and gets to the point without losing anything in its sharpness. The only thing that gave me pause was the phrase 'sores running down his back' - yuk! Which would be fine if I wasn't pretty convinced the writer does not mean the sores to be actually, er, running!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Agatha Christie had a short story...one of my favorite...called "The Call Of Wings". Similiar scenario with a man growing wings, but a different reason why. I'm not claiming unoriginality, I'm saying thanks because I always thought it would be a great movie. Definite internal and external struggles mentioned and a creative scenario. Where can I buy a ticket?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I love it. The title runs right into the logline -- always interesting subject matter, and I'm a sucker for 19th century fare.

The only trouble I have is "atheistic", it doesn't quite roll off the tongue. Other than that, I'd love to read the first ten pages to see the setup of time and conflict.

Plenty of story hints in a small space and conflict unmistakable.

Wonderful.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I really like the concept and the title. The logline is good, and contains about the right amount of info. The one thing I don't like is the ending. Struggle for control? What does that mean? Otherwise, good job.

Comments Made After the Contest