Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

A lot of stuff happening here. Focus on what your main story will be and sum that up. You can always have all that stuff in the actual script, but we need to focus in on what is really important in the logline.

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

I gotta tell ya, the logline is written out very well, but the story is not overly intriguing enough to make me want to read it. I need to know more about why he hates his parents business. Why this homeless shelter is so important to him? For someone who is idealistic, wouldn't a construction company be something good?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The problem here is that his task isn't that challenging. He's the campany owner, so how hard is going to be to sopt the scheduled demolition. I don't really understand the part about his overseas friend being elisted.

Arun Thattayath (Level 1)

As the Log line goes it seems to be a thriller with an ample space for suspense. As long as a few questions , like, who killed the parents, why is he turning his face away from the calamity that hit his family, what's the back story involved, even why the stop at the homeless shelter and what's the friend's ulterior motive; arises out of the logline it's doing it's job.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

"following the murder of his parents" is sorta understood if he "inherits" it.
Why would a homeless shelter be demolished? Too much info is in this logline, and I'm not entirely sure what the story is really about.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I would rearrange the first sentence to flow a little better like this: "Following the murder of his parents, an idealistic Peace Corps voluneer inherits the family construction business that he despises." Having the bit about the murder at the end of the senence is a little too 'oh, by-the-way'-ish. I also don't think you need American in there. In the second sentence I would cut-out 'and return to his life of service overseas'. I just don't think it is needed in the logline - I kind of assumed as much, by him being a peace corps volunteer and dismantling the company and all. Also, combine the second and last sentences into one. Do you really need to say that the homeless shelter is inherited? I don't think it's necessary here in the logline either. Good Job, but a fantastic idea!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title isn't very good. It sounds too rigid and doesn't really grab my attention.

The genre is a little cloudy here. I'd guess drama.

The logline is a bit crowded. I think it could have been slimmed down quite a bit without losing any impact. So the story is basically this... A do-gooder inherits the family fortune, which he plans to use wisely, but when he steps in to halt the destruction of a homeless shelter an old nemesis rears his head. I don't know... I guess you've probably got enough material to fill the pages of a feature, but I have to be honest and tell you that it doesn't sound like a very interesting film. My guess is that it would consist of a lot of conversations and not a whole lot of action, which to me, translates to dull. I could be completely wrong (and I honestly hope that I am) but based on what's written here, I can't score this very high.

I believe the word 'its' needs an apostrophe in your second sentence and you should never start a sentence with the word 'but'.

Overall, I don't like the title at all. The logline, while consisting of all the necessary elements, is overly descriptive and there are grammar and punctuation errors.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title is fine.

The logline is long but also well-written - apart from starting that sentence with 'But' - it's becoming common but is NOT gramatically correct. You could easily start it with 'First' - the but isn't even necessary.

The story is definitely one I'd like to see - a bit reminding me of 'The Constant Gardener'

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Well, well, you have a lot going on up in here. If it's his homeless shelter it would probably easy for him to stop it's demolition, unless he's fighting someone, maybe he's fighting an antag? Hmmm, maybe that could go into this baby. Otherwise compress and it'll be fine.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm torn on the title. I like the rhyming, but it all feels a bit too clever for it's own good.

I think this logline is good. I have a clear idea of the plot and tone. But, if I'm honest, there's something missing. I don't feel myself getting hooked. I'm not sure if it's the phrasing or the story. I think you could probably tighten this a bit. But, more importantly, I think you need to identify what this compelling. Why do we want to see it? If you can do that this could be great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "The Mission Deception"

The first sentence is the set-up and that's straight-forward. The second sentence is clear and moves the story forward. (I assume the murder of his parents is a solved, because even if the son didn't care for them, it would seem he would want the murderers brought to justice, if only for self-preservation.)

The third sentence is where you lose me. If he inherited the homeless shelter what stands in the way of stopping himself from destroying it and why does he have to bring in the overseas friend with ulterior motives in the first place? To me it looks like you had a clear (if somewhat dull) story going and then it came off the rails and got confusing. It might be an interesting story, but I don't know what it is from your logline.

Your title is unique, but I'm not quite sure how it ties in with your story.

Your logline doesn't fill our current or anticipated needs. Please do not send the screenplay.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This sounds interesting and has the promise of conflict that has the potential for a good story. It's a good logline, but seems a bit wordy.

Good job.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

This logline covers a lot of ground and does a good job touching upon several plot points, but what I feel I'm missing is a sense of style, tone, mood or place. For instance did your protagonist flee into the Peace Corps to escape a damaged past? Was the family business corrupt? Or mob-controlled? What city are we in? Is it newly thriving? Or a rust-belt basket case? Anything to give the logline a distinctive sense of story, a flavor, something to set it apart. Please don't get me wrong, you have done a very good job of getting across the basic nuts and bolts of your story, I'd just like to know why this story is special. But, all that said, if a producer is looking for a drama with a strong social component you've provided enough detail here to warrant, imo, a closer look.

David Birch (Level 5)

i think some of the things i would try to improve on would be just to tighten your delivery a bit..."idealistic" is a given when you tell us that your protag is a peace corps volunteer...then there seems to be a contradiction with his disdain for his family's business but his family is running a homeless shelter...that doesn't mesh...shouldn't he be happy that his family is helping the homeless?...or is there something about the homeless shelter that just isn't right...some things to work with, but a few loose ends...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Lots of information here.. too much actually. I love the premise of the storyline, but don't feel I need to learn so much from the logline.
I love the title and can see the tie in to the mission at hand. I think the first sentence would suffice as a logline. There is drama already in just that one sentence.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

The logline is a bit long; I would like to see it down to just a couple of lines of the pertinent information.

The logline probably doesn't lose anything by eliminating "following the murder of his parents." And I'm not sure where a construction business has bearing on the demolition of a homeless shelter. Why is it necessary to know that his friend is from overseas? Sure, it might be pertinent to the script, but it doesn't add anything to the logline.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I was really getting into this logline, until the end. "Ulterior motives will have a more devastating impact." I like the set-up with the unwanted inheritance, and the homeless shelter hook, but you lose me with the mystery, keeping your surprises and twists a complete secret sometimes doesn't work. You need the full hook in your logline, just leave the resolution hanging. I'm against the grain though, I'm sure the rest of the crowd will find this excellent. I do give you a very good however.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I don't see the main thrust of the story. The title is great but, from the logline, I can't tell what the movie is about.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

The title is a bit confusing and doesn't give me an understanding of the story. The story sounds interesting. The logline is a bit wordy and should be made more concise. For example, you don't need the word "American" and you can probably leave out the fact that his parents were murdered. You can also leave out the word "more" in the last line. It seems a bit strange that he has inherited a construction business as well as a homeless shelter, but I'm sure you'll clarify that. But the logline does a good job of clearly conveying who the protagonist is and what his journey and struggles are, so I commend you for that.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Should the title be The Mission - Deception or The Mission: Deception Not sure how to read it but guessing it should not be read straight through.

I like the story because of that last sentence, but it seems to take the logline a while to get to the real meat of the story with the person he enlists. Maybe you could shorten it all and say something like:

"An idealistic American Peace Corps volunteer inherits the family construction business he despises following the murder of his parents. Setting out to dismantle the company, he enlists the help of an overseas friend whose ulterior motives will have a more devastating impact."

After cutting all of that other stuff out, I do not think I lose anything about the story that I would need to know at the logline stage.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

To clunky. There was definitely too much going on in this one.

"Idealistic American Peace Corps Volunteer"... Huh? You could of just said, a peace corps volunteer. I think you should of started the logline with "Following the murder of his parents, a peace corps volunteer..." I think the parents thing at the end was misplaced.

Now that I think about it, the entire first sentence could be scrapped. Your story's focus seems to revolve around the inherited homeless shelter. That should have been the only thing in the logline.

Your title... I'm not sure if those words together even make sense.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

This starts out in a promising way, but you lost me at "the scheduled demolition of an inherited homeless shelter". If the shelter need money to remain open, why doesn't he use the assets from the construction business?

Also, you introduce the idea that he hates his family's business. Is this a short-sightedness in his character that he'll grow out of, or is it intended to show his moral superiority? If it's the latter, he sounds like a tedious character.

It's not clear from the logline what kind of movie this is. Is it a coming of age story, or a sermon against greed? Or something else?

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This sounds like a clever and intricate thriller.

The "homeless shelter" bit seems a little cliched -- try to find a more original plot point here, but otherwise I think you've got a really strong story. I like the title, too, though it's a little awkward sounding with the -ssion and -tion suffixed bumped up next to each other, but it fits well for the story.

Also could use a bit more to convince us that the protag is sympathetic and active, dismantling a family business, no matter how disreputable, is a very bad thing, almost inconceivable culturally, for an American to consider. Instead, the noble thing for him to do would be to keep the business but drive out the corrupt elements.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I don't think that this logline really concentrates on the important part of the story, which appears to be his struggle against the demolition of the shelter with the help of this mysterious friend.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

An original looking piece, but nothing really attracts me or hooks me into it. The premise itself sounds like something new that may develop into a powerful drama. I find myself wanting to like this Logline, but the information given is not enough to tip me towards it. It starts with him wanting to get rid of everything, then for no reason, he wants to keep the shelter up and running. The threat of the overseas friend with ulterior motives also does not give me that feeling of impending doom. I mean, what kind of devastating impact are you talking about. I understand not giving away the plot is something you're shooting for here, but the clarity of the earlier descriptions on the logline is missing at the end. The best friend may be the antagonist, but I'm no feeling fearful for the protagonist.

Justin Ormsby (Level 3)

Good title and good logline, but I'm curious how the two relate. It seems the overseas friend would be the most likely to engage in deception, yet it's mentioned as a sort of "after thought" in the log line. If the deception is key to the plot, perhaps it's worthy of a great explination in the logline. If it's not, perhaps a change of title. Either way, sounds intriguing.

Katie Va (Level 3)

This seems like an interesting idea. I like how you have introduced your main character so thorouly.
I'm only having trouble understanding what the main plot line is. Is it the murder? the dismantling of the company? The demolition? Or the friend? What will I gain from reading the script?

Kelley Donnelly (Level 2)

I am not really getting a good idea of what this story is about. I guess I kind of understand it, but it's just not that clear to me. The plot sounds good and you could do a lot with it, but there are some holes I see already. Does he not really care about his parents murder? All he wants to do is go back and continue doing what he was doing. Is he not even a little curious about what happened to them? Unless of course he hated them, but that part, to me, just does not make sense. Anyway good luck, I cna't wait to see how it turns out!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Not feeling the Title. Too much information. First he must.... too much going on even as a story. I just don't like this at all. Sorry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Your first sentence - it took me awhile to understand it - it's either wrong punctuation or "following the murder of his parents" is misplaced. If you placed it at the beginning I'd like it better. But see what the other say (if they complain at all about it).

The conflict is in "an overseas friend whose ulterior motives will have a more devastating impact.". I think that "stop the scheduled demolition" is on the way or you have to rephrase that and connect with an enlistment of an overseas friend. Otherwise it's two different thoughts packed in one sentence with no tie to each other, I think.

Other than that it's good.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I have to admit that this type of movie is not my cup of tea...I call it a sub genre: Evil Whitey Movies...where idealistic people face off against evil tyranical businesses. Now I don't exactly know that your story is evil whitey or not...but that is the impression I'm getting from the logline. so you're gonna have to work twice as hard to get me interested in your story. and the logline as it reads is a little too disjointed and clunky to make me want to give it a shot.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama about a Peace Corps volunteer who may have been at odds with his parents over his life choices versus their desire that he take over the successful family business he despises. Preexisting family dynamics would provide conflict. When his parents are murdered, guilt feelings may not dissipate. Temporarily sidetracked from resuming his former life by the homeless shelter issue, the volunteer enlists the aid of a friend who comes with his own agenda and complicates matters with devastating results.
The intriguing title infers that either the protagonist Peace Corps volunteer's activities are covert or the antagonist's (the "overseas friend"?) assistance is not what it appears to be. Either way, the word "Mission" suggests an action-thriller too set in different locations.
This logline is well written and hints at several interesting directions the story could take.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title seems a little convoluted just for no apparent reason.

The logline plays with a lot of different themes, but doesn't promise any resolutions for them. An example: "murder of his parents". I'm assuming that's extremely important, because it's mentioned, and only extremely important plot elements even get mentioned in a logline. But what does this murder have to do with homeless shelters and overseas friends, I have no idea. So it makes the logline look unfocused, even if you have a perfectly good idea of how they're related.

"whose ulterior motives will have a more devastating impact" Really vague, here, on all fronts. Every character ought to have ulterior motives, otherwise they'd make a lousy character. So spell it out. And all movies have "devastating impacts", so again, you haven't given me a specific hook.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title isn't my favorite, but it's okay. This one does tie in with the theme.

You use a lot of words here. Some of the details got lost the first time I read it through. I didn't realize it until I was going back looking for descriptives I felt to be unnecessary. I had missed that the parents were murdered... That looks like a crucial plot point, but you've hardly given it any emphasis here.

All of your emphasis is on the 'idealistic American Peace Corps volunteer who is intent on dismantling a hated, inherited family construction business and donating the money to charity after he saves a homeless shelter, and then he can return to his life of service overseas...' The guy sounds like a superhero. He has no flaws or weaknesses.

The protagonist is 'an overseas friend with ulterior motives.'

The conflict is between... what? Peace and greed?

What are the consequences if he fails? The homeless shelter will close or he won't be able to go back to his life of service overseas? Both?

Think about the specific words you use as descriptives. The way this is written makes me think he despised his family as much as he despised the business. When his parents are murdered, the most important thing he wants to do is dismantle the business they built and get back to his own life of altruism and peace...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

A little wordy but an interesting story idea. I think this type of story will have a lot of tension and maybe you could reword it to show some of that. That would probably make it have more impact.

But it's a good start...I'm definitely interested.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the conflicting ideologies here, how the main character has to decide who his duties side with. That will make for some very interesting drama.

All aspects of this look good.

Excellent.

Matthew Belanger (Level 3)

Had me going at the beginning, but then I'm lost. I get he's trying to dismantle the company, but what does the demolition have to do with it? I don't think you own the property after you build it. Most build for a particular company. I could be wrong. And does the overseas friend have ulterior motives for the demolition or the company itself. Not sure where that would go with this description. What I think I'd like to hear more about the friend, I know it's tight with 500 characters, but it could be done with a few more words I think. I'm just no seeing the connection between the first sentence and the second one.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Not bad but needs some work.

Follow this formula: "While struggling with A, protagonist, reaches new emotional state B".

Then write several versions of your logline on a sheet of paper and have friends and/or family vote on their favorites. I did this and ended up combining the top two into one. However, I don't know how it will fair in this contest yet, but I still think it's good advice.

The title is okay but I'd drop "The" from it. MISSION DECEPTION is pretty good all on its own.

Best regards.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

The title leaves me with a lot of questions, most of them asking what the story is about, and enough to make me read further. There is an obvious comparison in my mind to Mission: Impossible. Not sure if you planned that or not.

The logline is a good one. It tells a compelling story and offers a lot of information. I wish it was more concise and required less reading to get to the point. But I get to the point, and it makes me want more.

Good concept. Good use of the language.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Title is okay but it rings more like a James Bond movie than what I imagine your script to be.

Normally I cringe at the sight of a gigantic logline but I think yours is done very well and I like the approach.

You first sentence effectively sets up your lead character and sucks us into his physical and emotional dilemma. Almost a story in itself.
Your second sentence lays out the goal and even ups the stakes with the mention of the overseas friend.

Very well done. Good structure along with a thoughtful and interesting premise.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Intriguing title, sounds a bit missionary/religous. Fits with the premise I think if the shelter is called a mission??

Story: great, I really like this, very strong.

Craft: excellent, very well constructed logline.

I'd be interested in renting this as a DVD and hope to read the first ten in the next round. Great job, well done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Sounds like a great thriller, but becomes overly complicated at the end. Even if it IS in the movie, I think it fills up the logline way too much. There's enough conflict in the first half without the overseas friend and such. The title doesn't strike me as strong either, and perhaps the entire logline is too mysterious for it's own good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This guy inherited a lot of things, including a homeless shelter.

This is definitely different and unique. Is this more drama or thriller?

Can you reveal a little more about the murder of his parents or are you purposely keeping that vague?

It's an overall well constructed logline. Good job.

Title: It's okay and I can kinda see how it fits the story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've got a pretty likable protagonist, out to do good against the system. I'm not quite sure how difficult it is to stop the demolition in question now that he owns the company, but I can wait to see what complications arise.

The logline is long and, admittedly, a little dry. There's a lot of good vocabulary words in there, showing your skills as a writer, but put together it makes for tough reading. The active parts of the story include "donating assets to charity" and "stopping a scheduled demolition". It's very technical and detached, like a tax document. Try something more active, "he must stop the town from destroying a homeless shelter". That's not great, but at least there's an antagonist, and it sounds little more exciting. Also, the friend's motives are completely unclear, so a vague statement about what he's doing there is best left out of the story entirely.

This could be a very compelling and dramatic story; the logline is your chance to prove it. Tighten it up and make the language more direct and active, and you could really draw some interest in your script.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I think I can see what you are going for with this title, but perhaps it is a little indirect in its correspondence with the story. Also when I read it I immediately pictured a military movie and I don't think that's what you have in mind.

The story has lots of potential. I can see how it gives you a number of interesting elements to work with. I'm a little troubled by the way that it seems to have two slightly contradictory elements at its core. Firstly you've got the great idea of the guy dismantling his newly inherited company. But at the same time he's battling to stop the dismantling of a homeless shelter he has inherited. That's also a strong story idea, but it's the mirror opposite of the other one. I'd suggest picking one of those story ingredients and running with it. For me it would be the first one since that seems more original. You can probably play out your antagonist story around that concept much as you intended to do around the other one.

The craft of the logline is also impacted by the dual story. It results in it being a little longer than it otherwise would be.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

The logline is slightly long, but I'm not sure how you could have shortened it. Still, see if maybe you could find a way. At least make it two sentences.
The title is ok and it relates to the movie, but I think it promises more excitement. I saw it and thought of an action movie, but the logline tells me it's a drama.
The mix you have here is unusual, so I give you points for originality, even though the story itself has been told many times. It depends entirely on the characters and the writing. I'm curious as to what are the conflicts you'll insist on (because you have a lot of them going on there). So in that sense - that it made me intrigued about the movie - your logline succeeded, but only because of the content, not because of your phrasing or choice of words.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

This is a good long logline but it just doesn;t grab me really at all. I don;t know why but it just doesn't. It seems well written and all. Maybe the point to just dismantle is family's company after they have been murdered just seems disrespectful...hmmm. But is that what I judge, probably not. Overall this could work just think I'd be upset while watching thiss one in the theatre...based on the logline of course, :)

Good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Decent title but the log line was a bit wordy. I don't think you need American in the opening and the course of action was a bit troubling to me. Even if he didn't get along with his parents, you kind of leave in the dust the fact that his parents were murdered. I thought maybe you would allude to that in the close of the log line but it's not clear that it's even related. There are a lot of bland descriptions of action and I'm not sure I'm compelled enough to want to read a script without being engaged by a paragraph.

Robert Decker (Level 2)

To be completely honest, the story does not sound very appealing. I would describe it as an uninteresting tale of civil matters. I also don't see why the parents had to get murdered unless there is some type of twist the log line does not offer.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I'd really like a better understanding of what this movie is about. From what I've read, there's a man who's inherited BOTH a family construction business he hates, AND a homeless shelter that he wants to protect. He also asks a friend to help him with his endeavor in protecting the homeless shelter, but his friend has other ideas. Is that about right?

Not only is this logline fairly long, but I just can't seem to understand the real meat of the story from what you've written. Either that, or the story just didn't grab me. Sorry.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

The idea in here is solid. The description is missing just that little extra twist of plot or zest in description to captivate attention. The logline feels flat. Maybe a little more detail about the oversees friend or more about the homeless shelter, something more gripping is needed.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title hints at a comedy, but the content is actually quite dark and this seems like a thriller.

I think you've got the makings of two or three different films in here.

There's one story about his parents who've been murdered. He's idealistic about his career and the corps but he probably would want to find the murderer. Wouldn't he?

The second sentence works as an original comedy as dismantling the company might not be as easy especially if he wants to return back overseas. That is another film.

The third seems like an entirely new film. We have this new character with ulterior motives, which is a vague plot device, and now there's a homeless shelter that needs saving?

I think these three ideas together in one film is overkill.

Either one of these forms the crux of the story and the other two are really inconsequential or, you've not yet focused on what the story is about and are gaging our thoughts before delving into the actual writing.

Honestly, that just leaves me confused and disinclined to read the first ten pages.

There's a nice character and a story worth filming in there, somewhere.

Good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Not sure I like the title. Maybe Deceptive Mission would be stronger? I like the idea of your story and I'm sold on the logline until you get to 'overseas'. Then it seems to wander a little bit. and the ending is weak.

I think it would be a good story though, and would like to see more.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Good. I, personally would like it better without "the" as I think it could be then taken a couple of different ways - someone's on a mission for deception and it could also be the name of a mission.

Story - I'm not entirely sure what the story is. Is it the ulterior motives of his friend? Is the journey he travels of getting rid of his family business? Is it his idealism coming to conflict with reality? I can't tell from this logline.

Craft - It is very long and includes a lot of information you don't really need. As a result, it dilutes your story. I think if you find your story, concentrate on it and get rid of everything else, you will have a vastly improved logline.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A very busy logline -- it's kinda hard to pluck the actual story out of all those words. I guess the real story is the devastating impact caused by the friend with the ulterior motives, but you've left that to the very end of the logline. Why hide it?

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just a plot complication. If so, you could probably leave it out of the logline altogether. But, then, what IS the real story. Dismantling the company? Stopping the demolition of the homeless shelter?

It seems like you've given us several story elements in your logline, but you haven't really identified the real heart of your story.

The logline needs some focus.

My score: GOOD.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I think your logline works well enough in giving enough detail as to what your script is about. Not necessarily the type of story I would get excited over reading but that's just my own personal taste. I like the hook at the end about the overseas friend, as this provides some intrigue and opportunity for conflict. Solid effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Doesn't really match the concept in your logline.

Logline:
You have a lot of info here, but it doesn't seem to tie together very well. Much of the info, in fact, seems not to matter to the story or could be more concise.

An idealistic American Peace Corps volunteer returns from overseas to prevent the demolition of a homeless shelter started by his deceased parents. When the friend he enlists to help is revealed to have ulterior motives for helping, the man must... '

I can't finish it, of course, because I don't know your story. But you get the idea.

You have to tell me the initial goal/desire of the character, then tell me what stands in the way of him acheiving the goal and what he'll have to do to overcome it.

Rating: Good.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

I think the the title is deceptive when I saw the title I thought it was something like "Mission impossible" some spy movie not a movie about a person coming from the peace corps and working at a demolition sight. It is also a little too long I would cut off some of it make it a little shorter and less descriptive.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Seems like you hit every important conflict of the story without boring us with subplot details. My only complaint is that you use the word "murder" in the first sentence, then nothing after that seems to rise to the same intense level. Stopping the demolition of a homeless shelter and a devious "friend" don't compare to his parents being murdered. If there is a connection between the second half of the story and the first half, then you should mention it, otherwise it seems as if the murder was a ho-hum life sucks, but now it's time to move on story, rather than he wants to solve or bring justice to his parents' murder. If he does move on, then I would use the word "death", rather than "murder." Besides that it is a compelling logline that has me wanting to see more it.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I like the title -- don't think you need "The" but it doesn't take anything away by having it there.

I also like the logline. I do think you could change it around a bit to have more impact. For example, "Following the murder of his parents, an American Peace Corps volunteer inherits the family construction business he despises." Having that switch gives the reader an immediate impact.

Following that initial section of the logline, the middle and end can be a bit more economical.

Solid entry.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is good, but a little long. I think you put too much information into it, which even makes it a little confusing, especially at the end. Try trimming it down a little, and it will be fine. The story sounds good, although the title doesn't seem to fit with the story as I understand it. Sounds more like a spy thriller. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 1:45 AM

Whew! Through my first entry on MP. I really thought I would get through to the second round. I appreciate the thoughtful comments form everyone. I have a lot to digest - give us more detail...it was too wordy...I don't see a connection... There seems to be consensus at least that it should have started with "Following the murder of his parents..."

The title is trying to play at a few levels. It wasn't the working title of my story, and I didn't even realize until I was submitting the entry that I needed a title, so it was thrown together quickly. The straight idea behind the title is the deceptive nature of the friend as he "assists" in preventing the demolition of the homeless shelter (which I envision would be named something like 5th Street Mission in the story). Also, both the son and friend have their own mission....

I apologize for the entry being wordy. I'd have preferred a much shorter entry but didn't want to get shot down for not offering enough info, although even with this entry I got that critique! :)

So the murder is important and ties to the end of the movie. There are aspects about the parents' death that are unknown to the son for some time. The nature of the killing leaves him without any specific direction to seek justice or even closure.

The construction company intends to demolish the homeless shelter to build a new highrise office/residential project. This is the behavior the son despises - make money at the expense of the weak/poor/homeless.

So a quick revision could be....

A Peace Corps volunteer races to save an inherited homeless shelter from demolition. In the process, he unwittingly redirects the demolition explosives to the terror group responsible for his parents' murder.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2010 2:52 AM

That's much better.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 6:37 AM

Much better, Matthew. Unwittingly aiding a terror group makes for a much more exciting story than "enlisting the help of an overseas friend with ulterior motives", which doesn't really tell us anything.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 10:17 AM

Yep, I agree 100% with what Scott said. Much better. The changes you made to the second half of the logline are a drastic improvement. It give sme a much better idea of what the film is about.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 8:40 PM

In my opinion this one is much better. (Personally I like concise loglines.) It's much shorter but I can see a lot more of the story. In your first logline I didn't care about your protagonist -- he seemed to be kind a jerk to me. In this logline you put me on his side. I gave you a "Fair" on your first logline. This one probably would have been a "Very Good".

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/2/2010 2:50 AM

Hey Matthew-
I prefer short and sweet too, but give points for an interesting and visual story. I gave a "Very Good" for your original, albeit somewhat lengthy, logline. After reading it, I wanted to know what was going to happen next...

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 3/2/2010 3:08 AM

Thanks for the follow-up everyone.

KP - Thanks. I tried to follow all the rules about what the structure was supposed to be. I thought I was giving enough info to make it interesting without giving it away. The funny thing was the number of comments saying it was too long, and the number of comments saying I didn't give enough info.

Shorter does seem to work better!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 3/2/2010 8:10 AM

Matt, the revised logline works better for me. With screenwriting, less is always better. White space is king. Bottom line, loglines are a necessary evil for this business but a great script will find a way to break out. No one else will hire you to write a logline. Keep at the scripts. In each future contest you'll get the chance to write a logline for the script. Like any writing, the more you do, the better you get.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/2/2010 8:30 AM

Your new logline is far better than the original. Excellent adjustments.