Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

fear of bees. Perfect. Great character in Janus. Like how he fights his phobia and "saves" the people from the bees. Loved the use of alot of images with hardly much dialogue. I was really wrapped up in the story and could see it all on the screen. The only tiny nit picky thing is that dialogue shouldnt be italiized but since the script was so well done it really didn't detract that much from it.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

Barren dessert -- what is that, a cake without frosting?

Sorry, couldn't resist. But be careful of typos like that. They're spell-check-resistant.

Other than that one typo, this is very well written and original. The image of a Roman Legionnaire running from a wee little wasp is pretty entertaining. And I like the way you resolved both his phobia, and his eternal damnation, with one sting.

One formatting note: why is your dialogue italicized? It shouldn't be -- I mean, it can be every once in a while, if absolutely necessary for emphasis or, say, to indicate dialogue that will be subtitled. But that's the exception, not the rule.

Andrew Jones (Level 2)

I enjoyed reading this script. So much so that it finished very quickly.

I enjoyed the setting and the character Janus. Both very well built.

A few things I will point out; when Jupiter says he must forever guard it, it is later said that he must guard it untill he saves it. I would slightly reword that. Also, his fear seems more rational than irrational.

All in all, very good!

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Great storytelling. Other than the italics, I can't find much to critique.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There were some elements of this story that worked very well for me and some that didn't... It was written and formatted well, and I liked the connection with him being a museum security guard, but what I wasn't crazy about was the ending. All he had to do was get rid of a swarm of wasps and he was set free from his curse? That took him 2300 years?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Writing notes as I read...

'Fucking heat' jumped out incongruously after a very good establishing of scene and character.

It's unusual to have dialogue in italics! Perhaps best stick to convention? Doing things like that distracts the eye.

I thought the idea was ingenious - but also thought the last line rather spoilt it. He didn't have to say that, for us to know it. It was too much 'on the nose.'

I very much liked this.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was terrific.

Setting the story across time and the use of repetition was brilliant. It was clever, funny, and a great read.

I love the character of Janus and was rooting for him the whole time. Very well done.

One small suggestion, I think it might work better, if the first "Fucking heat." was changed to something that meant the same, but sounded older.

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

Very well expressed. Liked a lot.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Good story, good execution. Nice transitions from past to present. Very visual, put the reader right in the thick of things.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A lot of action, fun story.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

A story with a moral. The fear of the sting is much worse than the sting. I enjoyed the span of ages-and what I assume is a happy ending.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Great! I absolutely loved it. It was funny without being goofy, and Janus was just intelligent enough to be extremely likable. Good job!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

There were a couple of times when you didn't end your sentences with a period. And I believe you spelled desert wrong. I don't know why you put the dialog in italics, that isn't necessary. I don't know if the f word would have been used in ancient times.

I also don't think you needed to due the series of shots both in 30 B.C. and the present. Describing the scenes would have been enough.

While you do a fairly good job in describing his phobia, I don't know if Janus would have continued to go after the wasps,especially after being stung.

And I'm a bit confused about the ending. Has he been condemned to an eternity of damnation?

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I didn’t read many entries yet but it’s nice to stumble upon a second favorite; I can see now why some writers are raving about of the quality of the scripts this month.

The transition from the past to the present day was very clever and one of the main strengths of this tale. It was so clearly written that I’d say you don’t need the subtitles.

You’ve got a phobia which was well developed and was organic to the story. You’ve got conflict. Descriptions were visual and very good. The only thing that could be improved is the ending. It was appropriate, but it lacked the kind twist/surprise/revelation that could have made this script great instead of just very good,

Good job. And thanks for the read.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Not bad. I liked that your hero overcame his obstacle.

I wasn't too sure about your formatting though, dialogue in italics isn't that usual.

Also you should try to put more white space in your scripts. This one was a bit action line heavy.

Good work though. Keep writing!

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Very original! I loved the witty parallels between Janus the Roman and Janus the present-day security guard! I was a little confused by the ending though. Was Janus banished to eternal damnation? I thought that he had help up his part by defending the temple gates. As well, I assume that his phobia was of wasps, but there never seemed to be any clear dilemma he faced between fighting or running away. Nevertheless, I thought the tone and style of your writing was excellent and kept the whole thing moving along!

Moorel Bey (Level 2)

Is "fucking" a word that would have been used in 300 BC? Seems out of place and isn't necessary for the connection to the present day.
Story is well written, the description is good, the structure is tight. The wasps nest in the present day seems a little too convenient for me, however I liked the story.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I like this one.

Poor Janus, afraid of wasps and spends 2000 some years guarding the temple because of it.

I liked how you started off with him putting all the armor of his "uniform" on. Making him a tough soldier, but none of it mattered when he encounters the wasps. Also nice how you did the same thing over again with his security guard uniform.

Good Job!!

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Fun the way you treated the phobia and put Janus at his post for centuries.

I tripped on "rock quickly approaching." Rocks are stationary, so Janus must approach the rock. I know what you're trying to say, but at first I thought someone through a rock at him.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Loved this! Enjoyed the set up, premise and execution. I thought the foreshadow by Jupiter would make for a difficult payoff scene but everything came together nicely. I loved the juxtaposition of eras. The only thing I could suggest is possibly having Janus in the present day sport a white beard or look "aged with wisdom beyond his years." Otherwise, this was a pleasure to read. I could visualize everything. I'm not sure what the name of a phobia for wasps is but I don't care, it was a great response to the challenge and one of my favorites this month.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Great description to start the story off, then you went right into Janus' fear. And I could feel the tension.

On p. 2, "a rock is quickly approaching". I thought someone threw a rock at him.

I have trouble suggesting improvements for this story.
I loved it. This was a story I breezed through. I couldn't wait to see what happened next. Your descriptions were vivid.

A clear, solid beginning, middle, and end. Good luck with the contest. This has to be a contender.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I thought both of Janus' descriptive introductions were very good.

I however liked the 300 BC setting more than present day. If you could maybe have a montage through the ages of him dying every time he begins guarding the temple and being sent back by Jupiter it would make the pacing much better because his odds of never making his task successful get worse.

Maybe the enemies know about his fear of wasps and use it to move him away from the gates as the little boy does the same thing but in spite more than to gain entry.

The wasp battle can be broken down into shorter chunks of phrases and it will work much better.

Technically there weren't any typos.

Good job.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Great story. I like the fact you created a battle hardened warrior up front and showed us the one thing that could defeat him -- the wasp! Great.

If I had a comment about a possible improvement it would be your opening dialogue. I am not sure I like dialogue in a script to begin with the "F" word.

Overall, a magnificient little tale.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

A well written story. Everything flowed, the descriptions were very imaginative and the action was steady. Great story and great read. It took a while, but he finally removed the curse. Nice take on the phobia.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Good idea and well-written. The style of writing was fairly light-hearted, so maybe it could have done with some more humor? The ending felt a little rushed, just a little, nothing too serious.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

What no office or living room? Cool! Fun read. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure this will score high if not make the top 3.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a really nifty script! it has a wonderful concept and is well executed.

I love the two time eras and the almost exact parallels with a sort of purgatory inbetween. The dialog is just right for each period. Above all, I loved the droll humor - and the ending.

One suggestion, Janus suggests a two headed god often associated with theatre. That may be your intention. If not, your Centurion should have another less mythological name.

Sorry not to be more constructive, nut when you like something and find it completely executed, what can one say?

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2007 12:42 AM

Congratulations! I thoroughly enjoyed this story and I loved your script last month as well. You are quickly becoming one of my favorite writers here.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2007 9:54 AM

Lee, Awesome job! Great script and it deserves high praise! Best of luck with this. I truly enjoy your writing.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2007 11:34 AM

I'm glad this one made it to the top three; it was one of my favourites. Awsome job!

Lee Carlisle (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2007 5:41 PM

Thanks everyone for the comments - this was a fun script to write. Immediately after submitting it, I found a few stupid typos and thought I was done for sure - just goes to show never count yourself out!

Ill try to keep up on here, and will definitely keep reading even if I cant submit every month - thanks again and look forward to reading more!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 3:53 PM

They're only five page scripts. I'm sure you can find the time to bang out a few more. I want to read them.

Ralph Shorter (Level 3) ~ 9/2/2007 4:28 PM

First, I'd like get my criticisms out of the way:
Do away with "is" and "ing." Try to always use the active voice and do away with the passive.
example - "Alone in a small, impoverished hut, Janus watches smoke filter through a hole in the roof." It can be done and makes for a more exciting read.
"A bead of sweat appears on his brow as his face betrays his perfect physique and stance." - What does this mean?
Subtitles are for interpreting foreign languages. What you want is SUPER: or SUPERIMPOSE: in capitals, and what you are superimposing should be in quotations.
example - SUPER: "Present Day"
"... the largest cloud of wasps..." is used twice in close proximity.
That out of the way, this is the most interesting script visually, and the phobia is one a lot of people share. The idea of tying together Janus, a cursed legionnaire guard of Jupiter's temple from the distant past to the same Janus as a security guard in the present is brilliant, and very original, Lee.
You have a fantastic imagination. Keep up the good work.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4) ~ 9/3/2007 5:11 PM

By the way - the italics was an effort to show this was being spoken in native dialects, not english - Ive seen it done a few ways but didnt want to explicitly state it in the action - maybe I should have.

Im planning on definitely doing another draft - a lot of the stupid typos (dessert and the repetition of the wasps line) I noticed immediately after submitting - this really was an 11th hour script for me.

And I definitely will try to keep coming back - but this is going to be a terrible few months for me while Im in the production cycle down here - very little time to write.

Thanks again for all the criticism!

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 9/3/2007 9:51 PM

Congratulations, Lee! I really enjoyed this.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/5/2007 5:04 PM

Big congratulations!

I really liked this one. Well Done!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 9/5/2007 5:30 PM

Lee -- Great little tale! Congrats on your win.

I was able to visualize everything the main character was doing as I read. So you can see that story takes precedence over spelling.

Spencer

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 9/7/2007 3:50 PM

I can't believe this one had a "fair" vote

Keisha Orphey (Level 0) ~ 9/12/2007 8:23 AM

I'm with Rob Gross - I can't believe this story had a "fair" vote.

This was a great short. I really enjoyed it from beginning to end. Yeah, there were some typos here and there, but it was awesome.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 10/29/2009 12:43 PM

This was a nice one. I really appreciated it.