Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Not sure if an audience can be empathetic to a man putting a con on a terminally ill patient, but if you do it right, anything is possible.

Why would the con suddenly change into a do gooder?

Alex Whitmer (Level 1)

I think this gives a pretty good picture of what the story is about, and how one cannot escape their past mistakes. What I don't get is why is the deputy vengeful? Was there some connection to the cancer patient that would have given him the ticket? Also, I think there is some inherent fear to make a logline more than one sentence. This is a run-on sentence that really needs a comma or a period somewhere.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

How this slacker can be lovable. He conned a cancer patient out of his lottery ticket. You must make us feel that he regrets his action in the logline, otherwise how we would root to such character.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

So this slacker cons a terminal cancer patient out of a lottery winning to do good? Sounds like an extreme Robin Hood thing going on here. Unless I'm missing something story-wise.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The title fits very well. It is short and catchy. The logline gets right to the point and flows very nicely. I can definitely sense the character arc and some distinct plot points. I enjoy your style. Excellent job!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is a little generic, but seems like it would fit the script very well.

The genre is very clear. This will be a comedy(and one I have legitimate interest in reading the first 10 pages from at that!)

The logline paints a clear portrait of what the script will be about (in 1 succinct sentence, no less! Kudos for getting that done. It's nice to come across an actual logline in this contest!)

There were no errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar. Nice job. This one will get high marks from me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this - economical, enough information, got a sense of the tone. Great stuff.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I hate when I sniff a murder. I usually spray some air freshener to cover it up.

It is a good logline, but the vengeful deputy who smells just kills it. I don't have a clear enough connection between the antag the dogging and the smelly death? Otherwise a pretty tight logline.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your title is fitting, but I wish it conjured up more in my imagination.

I am intrigued by this "lovable slacker", but I'm not quite sure why the winning lottery ticket transforms him into a "do-gooder". But more importantly, I have no idea why a sheriff is after him for murder. Is that because the cancer patient died.

I think there is probably a very good story here, but I'm having a hard time connecting all the elements.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Jackpot"

It is a concise, descriptive logline and is mostly clear. (Although the murder-sniffing, vengeful deputy does seem to come out of left field.) Having said that, I personally can't see anything "lovable" about a slacker who cons a cancer patient out of his winning lottery ticket. In fact "despicable" slacker would probably be a better way to describe him. And if he really does turn into a do-gooder (has a change of heart) it would seem like his first do-good thing would be to give the money back that he took.

I'm not really sure if the the "vengeful" deputy is dogging him completely because of an unrelated murder, or if the con job also has something to do with it. If he got the deputy's attention because of the con, then it would seem like the deputy is doing his job, not being vengeful.

Jackpot seems like an appropriate title.

We'll keep your logline on file for future consideration. Please do not send the screenplay at this time.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I think this is a good start, but there is still something missing here. I appreciate your efforts in keeping things short and to the point, but you still have lots of room to flesh out more of your story to help the reader get a better sense of what's going on. How does this vengeful deputy have something in common with your other characters? Who murdered who? What's at stake for the lovable slacker? I think these are details that need to be touched on to help the reader figure whats going on here.

David Birch (Level 5)

everything was top drawer until "vengeful deputy who sniffs a murder"...damn...i loved the first part about the slacker "flim-flamming" a lotto ticket...doing good...but "vengeful"...ughhh...plus i'd drop the murder angle, all he need to be is suspicious of the ill-gotten gains...very fixable by the second round...good luck...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Love it. Short, sweet and interesting. Love that you gave us identifiyable charachteristcs about the film... lovable slacker, vengeful deputy, etc. Gives us a very good look into the movie! Excellent.

Derek Bailey (Level 3)

I was with it until the venegful deputy and "sniffs a murder" OMG how sick of a smell that must be. Plus what is the deputy doing in the story, did someone get murdered?
I was following the first part, and could see it on screen. However try and find a way to describe the actions of "transforms from a do nothing to a do gooder". Find actions or reactions that happen that demonstrate what you are meaning.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Liked the elements of the logline and catchy title. We can almost see the character arc right in the logline. I like that you give the audience a clear protagonist and antagonist.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Everything is there to make this a great logline. Consider a few small changes: "A lovable slacker cons a terminal cancer patient out of his winning lottery ticket. While dogged by a vengeful deputy, the slacker transforms from a do-nothing to a do-gooder." Great title! Gave this entry an EXCELLENT.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Would read better if split into two sentences.

How does a slacker conning a terminal cancer patient "lovable"? The transformation of the character is good, something I'd like to see. But how does the vengeful deputy and the murder comes into play?

Seems like a story has too many things to focus on.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I think once someone cons a terminal cancer patient out of anything, they would cease to be "lovable". Maybe by the end of the movie, the slacker has made amends but I can't get into it from the start because I don't like the character just based on the logline.

Maybe there is a different way to write the logline so I wouldn't get turned off to the character.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

After he cons a dying person, he becomes a do-gooder? Sell that to me. Right now I find it not believable.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This logline was nicely written. I'm not to fond of the story though. How is he a lovable slacker, but cons someone? Those characteristics don't go together. Why a slacker?

So he's going to be doing good? Like what? Charity, or solving cancer? I wish you were more clear on that.

The title doesn't grab me that much.

I really like the fact that the deputy is after him because he thinks he murdered the patient. Nice touch.

I'll give this a VG.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

"lovable slacker" and "cons a terminal cancer patient" just don't belong together. There's no way he's lovable if he does that.

The idea of the con artist going into a situation for selfish means but coming out a do-gooder is a nice one, however.

Also, not sure where the murder or the vengeful deputy fits in. You've got a lot of interesting characters here and tons of potential but you need to find the heart of your story.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

The first part of the logline had me interested, but I don't think you need to explicitly state that he's transformed from good to bad. Instead it would add a lot of mystery to more subtly suggest that he finds out that he got more than he bargained for. The deputy murder part could be axed from the logline entirely.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Woah a little macabre but I think if you can write it with respect and restraint it might actually be an interesting commentary on lots of things....I'd be interested in reading your 10 pages.

Katie Va (Level 3)

This logline is written with too many coloquialisms to be true to itself. I don't feel any connection to the story. It just feels like it doesn't care.
I also don't understand the character. He is described as "loveable" but the first thing we know he does is con a cancer patient. That's not a very "loveable" thing to do. Because of this, I feel I can't really trust the description to acturatelly express what's in the script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

sniffs a murder. Don't know about that. It sounds like a bad choice of words but nonetheless it is one of the better loglines even though it is a very simple idea.
vg

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is Very Good, I think.

I see what it leads to and have a very distinct idea what the movie is about. The genre is very much there. The description of your protagonist is pretty much has a point, which is good.

The title is funny and great. I'm not sure if this one exists though, it's so good that leaves me with the impression that it must have been taken already:))) Great.

Thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

we are NOT gonna like this guy for stealing from a cancer patient, no matter what the outcome is... I think this story may need some tweaking

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama with some comedy, although the terminology used to describe the deputy -- "dogging" the slacker and "sniffing" out a potential murder -- infers an animated tale ("tail?").
The secret to this story would be the personality of the "lovable slacker." Conning a terminally ill patient cannot be positive, so the manner in which the deed is accomplished probably will need to be light-handed; transforming from "do-nothing" to "do-gooder" is an arc and may justify the means.
Injecting a "vengeful deputy" as antagonist seems to mirror the slacker, two characters with positive and negative traits at cross-purposes.
The title of this well-written logline is perfect. An original idea. Excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Not the most original title, really.

How in the world is this slacker "lovable"? Sounds like scum to me immediately.

The logline is confusing, with all these conflicting themes. And then "murder" is thrown in as the last word, but without any indication of how that relates to any other part of the plot. Maybe the slacker killed the cancer patient, but that isn't really even hinted at. I shouldn't have to try to figure the plot out, it should be there in front of me.

Loren Prendergast (Level 3)

So, he was a "do-nothing" and then he conned a cancer patient, that doesn't sound like an improvement. Then, he takes his undeserved winnings and "does-good" and we're supposed to like him? That's going to take some work. This idea just sounds a little all over the place. In addition to this, he's suspected of murder? I can't tell what kind of film this is. the "do-nothing" to "do-gooder" makes it sound like a "feel good" film with a happy ending. The vengeful deputy makes it sound more action-esqu, while the "lovable slacker" makes it sound comedic. I don't think there is quite enough direction here.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

The premise is pretty good. Interesting possibilities.

Protagonist - Lovable slacker
Antagonist - Vengeful deputy
Stakes - Possible conviction for murder?
Journey/Conflict - Transformation from do-nothing to do-gooder?

Your logline gives enough information to let me know the basic story. It's well written and sounds like something intriguing.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This sounds good but the last part confuses me. Does the deputy think the slacker murdered the cancer guy? Hmmm. I do like it but I just feel like it needs a little more. Like why is the deputy vengeful? You had me until do-gooder then I just got confused by the whole deputy thing. I like the title and how it fits in. You did pique my curiosity though...

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This feels a little muddled. I count three characters here, but it's hard to tell who's protagonist or antagonist. Stealing money from a terminal cancer patient is pretty morally reprehensible, so how come he's 'lovable'? (Which is misspelt by the way.)

The main character arc belongs to the slacker, leading me to believe that he's the protagonist, and so the "vengeful deputy" is the antagonist? But the "lovable slacker" has committed a crime? Not just a crime, but a very unsympathetic crime.

This would mean that the "terminal cancer patient" is just a function of the plot, and a reason for the slacker to be pursued by the deputy. In this case, why mention him if he's just going to make your hero even more unsympathetic? If it's a comedy, which I assume from the language in the logline, this part of the story is going to be a huge downer.

The stakes are pretty clear: the money and the slacker's status as a free man. But this decreases sympathy for him even more.

A few of the words just hit me the wrong way, being quite vague and unhelpful to tell what the plot's about. It's still not clear who the victim of the murder sniffed by the vengeful deputy is (I assume it's the terminal cancer patient, who dies early in the film), why the slacker transforms into a "do-gooder" just because he steals a lot of money and is "dogged" by a deputy, who the deputy is (deputy of what? To what?), etc.

You might have a great story in mind for this, but it's not coming across completely in the logline.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It's good idea to make your protagonist "lovable" since, obviously, you want the audience to root for the guy.

Problem is, that the first thing we learn about him, is that he cons a terminal cancer patient out of his winning lottery ticket. Maybe it's well handled in the script, I don't know, but this mean action seems to contradict his "lovable" quality.

The vengeful deputy adds some conflict and gives me a more clear idea about the story. The slacker is on the run from the law I suppose?

The murder angle is a bit unclear. Who died? The terminal cancer patient I guess? Is the protagonist being framed for this murder? If the patient had a terminal disease it shouldn't be hard to prove the cause of the death right?

I would suggest a bit more focus on two aspects:

1) What trouble did the protagonist got into, exactly? (Main conflict)
2) What is it hard for him to solve this problem? (Does the conflict has "legs" to carry a whole feature?)

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - It works for me.

Logline - This is a very good entry. I like the characters. I like the idea of the transformation although I think it will still be hard to make the main character likable.

Story - It sounds encouraging. I look forward to reading it.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I think the story sounds interesting but the logline falters in a couple spots.

It's hard to buy into the slacker's lovable-ness when he cons a dying man, but I suppose it can work. Perhaps you can use a more likeable word than "con".

I also suggest dropping "...who sniffs a murder". It is distracting and sounds a bit awkward.

Overall, very interesting.

Best of luck.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

The title gives a pretty good idea of what the screenplay is about. It feels bigger, more "Vegas" than the logline implies, however.

I like the premise of the story and the logline does a good job of revealing it to us. The last phrase ("who sniffs a murder") threw me a bit. It implies something malevolent while the rest of the logline brings to mind a fairly happy, or at least non-violent, story. Who's murder? The terminal cancer patient? There's a disconnect here.

Great, concise use of the language and a fun concept. Good job!

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Title is a quick hitter that fits the story well.

I like this logline. It is quick and effectively sets forth most of the necessary elements (although I'm not exactly sure you've laid out a goal for the hero.)

Sounds like it could be a fun story. Certainly not groundbreaking in it's originality or style but still a fresh twist on this sort of familiar comedy.

I would consider changing the 'dogged'. I like how it plays off the 'sniffs' verb but you have a lot of 'D' words right in a row. (Do-nothing, do-gooder, dogged.)

Sounds like a fun script. Good luck with it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I like that you convey this is a comedy with a comedic tone throughout your logline.

well constructed, you give us an intriguing protagonist who has an arc and an obvious obstacle (the deputy) but what is not clear is his goal - is it to be a do-gooder? Because he seems to have already achieved this in the logline.

Over all very good, even though not really my cup of tea.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

I very much like the title and logline combination, especially the way the two work together. I am assuming the genre is comedy or dark comedy (I hope I'm not wrong). Also, I am really partial to the short, concise logline, though (per the rules) I do not count off for the long ones. I do have a complain against the adjectives, especially the "lovable" slacker. I will forgive it because I assume this is a comedy. Finally, I like the way the logline makes the conflict and even the three act structure explicit in only a few goods. A very good effort.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I don't quite see how obtaining a winning lottery ticket would really transform someone who's already a slacker. Winning a lottery seems like the perfect opportunity for a slacker to continue being a slacker.

I think I would have to start reading your screenplay to see exactly how the deputy and the murder angle really fit into your story.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

You are telling me the slacker cons a cancer patient, but the deputy thinks he murdered him/her? If that is the case then make it a little clearer, because I am a little confused. Tell in the logline why he transform to a do-gooder. Having a lot of money don't make "anyone" a good gooder -- look at wall street.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Could be really funny, am missing a tone here in your logline. I find it a bit comedy like, but I wish you explain a bit more what he's going to do with the money. I think this has quite some potential. Rating high, because I feel there's a good tight story behind this. I like the concept of conning the cancer patient. Dark humour there.
Hope you do well with this.

Title is not really that powerful though, covering of the material, yes, but not really stand-out.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

How is this slacker "lovable" if he cons a terminally ill cancer patient out of his winning lottery ticket? It'll be interesting to see how you handle this, but it will make for a tremendous character arc.

I might nail down more of a genre and tone. I can see this as comedy and crime-drama.

Why is the deputy vengeful?
Who got murdered?

Title: I'm guessing by the title that this is more of a comedy. If so, then the title is appropriate.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Half of this is fantastic - a slacker conning the patient out of his lottery ticket and becoming a do-gooder. The language is sparing and packs a lot of punch into a tight sentence. The title is almost brazen if considered from the protagonist's point of view.

It's forgiveable, but I wish I had a firm motive to go with the slacker's transformation from layabout to saint. I can certainly imagine why, which is why I give you the benefit of the doubt. But you could afford to clue me in - is it out of guilt? an accident? a new-found sense of purpose? What?

The two problems I have are the whole deputy/murder angle, which seems completely tacked on, and the adjective "lovable". The deputy may be deeply connected, but from this, I can't tell how. Maybe the cancer patient dies and the deputy blames the slacker, but that isn't at all clear.

As for "lovable" - how is a guy who cons a cancer patient lovable? Nothing in this logline suggests "lovable". It's actually funnier if he's a complete jackass. Obviously, I hope he changes (or gets his comeupance) over the course of the movie, but such a generic adjective doesn't sell me on the protagonist. No adjective would have actually been better than that one.

Those are big issues, but it wouldn't stop me from giving the first ten pages a shot.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works well and definitely gives a strong idea of what the movie would be about.

I can see how the story described gives you a variety of things to work with, but I don't know if it feels like a feature length movie story to me. I think that maybe this comes from the fact that the logline almost feels like a complete story within itself, so while I'm sure there is more to it, perhaps I'm not left with much to be curious about or to extrapolate from what is here.

On the craft side, I think this sentence has quite a lot of information and clauses within it, and that without any commas or full stops it reads a little awkwardly.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Very good presentation. The title works and I'm glad you used 'lovable' in front of slacker so we know that we'll be able to build empathy for our protagonist. One thing that I might point out, since you opened with a terminal cancer patient and closed with a murder -- it's not immediately clear that the deceased is actually the terminal cancer patient. If our con man got the lottery ticket, he doesn't need the patient to die in order to claim the winnings. Now, if you have the patient dying and the con man taking it during his last day, I think that could be better presented in your pitch. Still, I like that you didn't tell the whole story and gave enough flavor of both your story and writing style with this log line. Nice work.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I think you have an interesting idea here. I like the fact that you got everything down quickly as opposed to writing a long-winded logline. Short and sweet is the best recipe, and that's what you've done. Nice job.

However, I'm having a little bit of difficulty connecting everything into one coherent story. I get the sense that after the slacker cons the patient out of the ticket, he sees the error of his ways and becomes a better person, but the inclusion of the "vengeful" deputy and the murder he's investigating seems to be detached from the rest of the story. I don't understand how they're connected, so I guess I'm suggesting that this could have been worded a little differently.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

I am really struggling with the premise here. I can't get past the swindle of a terminal cancer patient. I would find this story more acceptable if the cancer patient willingly gives the slacker the money and the slacker still has to prove his innocence.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Can't say I'm a big fan of the title as it seems too innocuous and light-hearted.

Your premise however hints at a few dark shades and seems more like a drama, even with the "lovable" in the character description.

This has a vibe along the lines of "My Name Is Earl" especially with lottery tickets and cons.

The genre is therefore not too clear to me. Are you trying to pitch this as a dark comedy, a thriller comedy or drama?

The last bit about a vengeful deputy and sniffing a murder is not clear to me. Does the patient die and that's the murder being referenced?

I think this has legs for a feature length especially his transformation. But somewhere in there I don't know or can't predict the outcome. Where is this story headed?

If I had a hint of that I'd want to read the first ten pages of this.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this is a great idea. However, the ending of the logline seems tagged on at the end. I think you could end with 'do-gooder' and it would be much stronger.

Great title. I think this would be a good story, I'd like to see more.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Very good. Concise and you can mean a lot of different things with it. I like titles that work on different levels.

Story - It sounds like you've got it all there, murder, intrigue, revenge, money and greed. I'm a little unclear as to what prompts the slacker to suddenly transform to a do-gooder
and I am also a little unclear about the genre. The "lovable slacker" to me indicates a comedy. However, there is nothing else in your logline that hints at being funny.

Craft - IMHO you have everything there that you need for an excellent logline once you define the genre. As it is, I rate it very good.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Sounds like a good and original story. The logline is kinda fuzzy, though.

What's the actual story? The slacker transforming from a do-nothing to a do-gooder? A cat-and-mouse game with the vengeful deputy? Or some kind of murder mystery? How are they connected?

Your logline just kinda throws those story elements out there without any attempt to weave them into a story.

A little focus would make this much more effective.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Suggests a film about gambling and basing it around someone who wins, or aims, to win big. It's a little bland - could use a rethink maybe.

Logline: Well written logline, apart from the '...who sniffs a murder part' - I thought that could have been re-phrased. I don't think it's enough to say that this slacker is lovable... maybe, charismatic works better? We, the reader/viewer, should be the judge of whether he is lovable or not IMHO.

Summary: Not a fan of the title but the idea works quite well. With a more descriptive title and a small edit of the logline, I think this would catch people's imagination.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This sounds interesting & I like to brief, concise way the story is drawn. I like how the characters have personalities. Is it a comedy? I'm also not sure about sniffing the murder, is the slacker a murder suspect? Suspected of killing the cancer patient for the lottery ticket? If yes, I would say so & make stronger use of this angle.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Title: I like it, it's brief and fits the story well.

Story: Your story sounds pretty interesting, although I do feel that your line leave a few question. I'd like a little more information about the vengeful deputy and how the murder fits into all this. Does the he believe the slacker murdered the cancer patient and stole the ticket? Are the deputy and patient related or connected in some other significant way, or is it the slacker winning the lottery that fills the deputy with thoughts of revenge? Also, I'm wondering how 'lovable' the slacker can be if he's comfortable conning terminal cancer patients.

Craft: Your craft is good, I detected no obvious spelling or grammatical errors. You set the mood of a dark comedy here, which I assume is what you were going for. Overall, I think you've done a good job with this. Cheers!

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Is the main character a pothead named Jack? Just kidding. Nice premise and you explained it fully in one sentence. Love the one sentence loglines, though that's just personal preference. Why is the deputy so vengeful though? Like in general or is he connected to the cancer patient somehow? Maybe that could be touched on.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Eh, I can take it or leave it.

Logline: A little light, and the very end (with a vengeful deputy) seems tacked on. I would find it difficult to consider a slacker who cons terminal cancer patients to be lovable. This makes your logline appear a bit more than a tad contrived... like your trying to pull strings instead of build something workable.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

The title is good but the story seems to be all over the place. This goes from a cancer patient having his lottery ticket stolen from a con-man becoming a do-gooder to murder. And the logline does not explain how this becomes, so it is very confusing.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Seems to cover all the bases in an intelligently written sentence. The title is fitting. Has a British farce tone to it, not sure if I'm accurate. It also has a "actor who needs a comeback" tone as well. Although not earth-shaking, it's written nicely.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This one confuses me a bit -- a lovable slacker, yet cons a terminal cancer patient, becomes a do-gooder while a vengeful deputy sniffs a murder... does the cancer patient die and the deputy believes the slacker committed the murder? Why is he vengeful?

The one question that kept going through my mind -- would a lovable slacker con a dying man? I'm not sure lovable would be the adjective I'd choose for the slacker.

I understand that you wanted to get as much into the logline while being economical. I think you can accomplish that by removing "lovable" and "vengeful". Having those two adjectives adds confusion or contradiction, as it relates to the slacker.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 7:27 PM

Ah, as shame. I gave you VG and thought you had a chance, because is was a good log line.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2010 7:50 PM

Thanks, Chris. I think this was a case of my being all too familiar with the story and not describing it clearly enough. The deputy certainly suspects him of murdering the cancer patient, and the deputy's jealousy of the protag goes way back. But oh well, I'm grateful for the comments!