Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Someone has also experienced robbing a bank and ending up in the Australian countryside? Elements of unbelievable fantasy, but then you add horror and action with the serial killer and FBI. I don't know if this will work.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Not sure how robbing a bank will turn into running from the FBI? And running with the serial killer. How they end up in Australia is certainly interesting. I wouldn't mind reading this one. Good work.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Almost there. Do they just encounter the serial killer, or do they have to team-up with him? Or do they have to run from him too? I thnk it would be good to connect everything together somehow. I don't mean in your movie, I mean in your logline. Like: 'they must team-up with an infamous serial killer to escape the FBI' or 'they encounter an infamous serial killer. Along with escaping his killing spree, the FBI has tracked them down and wants to capture them.' Just some thoughts.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is pretty good. I don't love it, but I don't really dislike it either.

The genre is fairly clear. Mostly thriller, with a dash of sci-fi throw in.

This logline is a really welcome sight for me after getting through a pretty rough patch on the last dozen or so reviews I've done. You've got the protagonist, his ally, their goal, their obstacles, the antagonist(s)... All the necessary elements are present. On top of that, the logline flows very well and gives me a pretty good mental image of the entire story, not just the first act (which is the problem I've been running in to a lot with these reviews.)

No problems with grammar, punctuation or spelling that I noticed.

Overall, very nice work. One of the most complete loglines that I've come across thus far. Bravo! I look forward to reading your first 10 pages.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sort of reverse Crocodile Dundee?

I like the idea but the logline needs trimming. For example, of course it's mysterious to get on a subway in NYC and end up in Oz - no need to tell us it's mysterious.

Ignorant Brit (me) Do the FBI work in Oz?

Chris Burdette (Level 2)

Great title. I can see the movie poster. A tunnel through the center of Earth. The story sounds like something I would totally love to see. Kinda has a Lost feel to the plot, and I would love to find out how this happened.

As good as the title and the story are, the logline itself is kinda clunky. Did the woman also rob a bank and then get on the subway? I don't think so, but the sentence isn't completely clear. Do you really need to tell us they're gonna try and figure out how it happened? Do they really "encounter" a serial killer, or does he terrorize them? Does he hunt them throughout the Australian countryside?

Just some thought. Great premise, though. Kudos.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Whoa, hold the crazy train. You started off alright, but then it went off the rails. Where does a freaking serial killer come into it and what's FBI doing in Australia. I initially didn't like this at all, but it's kinda grown on me. If the logline was better organized and tighter I probably would love it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

I love the setup here: a man gets on subway in NYC and ends up in Australia. That is strange and intriguing. But the rest of the plot sounds so convoluted (from the bank robbery to the serial killer), that I am having a hard time putting it all together. I have no idea what the genre or tone of this movie will be.

Still, there is something oddly compelling about it. I think if you can add some clarity to this story, this could be great.

Craig Ramirez (Level 2)

It certainly sounds that you have an interesting concept going here. I'm no logline expert, but I think it might help to flesh out what kind of people we are dealing with here. Maybe just a hint of what type of characters the man and woman are.

After robbing a bank, a (what kind of man?)man boards a NYC subway thinking that he has gotten away with his crime only to find himself mysteriously transported to the Australian outback where he finds a (beautiful?) woman who has experienced the same phenomenom. While struggling to understand how they got there, the pair find themselves on the run from both the FBI and a notorious serial killer.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Through the Center"

You definitely have an interesting idea and I love these kind of stories, reality-shift, time-travel, alternate paths to other places or whatever. But unfortunately your giving me the set-up and not the story. The set-up is cool, but we need more than that. A criminal are jumps into the Australian outback, he meets a woman, they're kind of freaked, they meet an infamous serial killer -- are they running from him or was it just a meeting?

And they have to run from the FBI. Like I said, this is all cool -- but what do these two intend to do now, other than run, which get monotonous without any more positive goal. Are they trying to get the hell out of their, are they trying to go home, are trying to find a way to adapt, are they trying to find a way to wipe out the FBI agents? I don't need the whole story, but I do need a direction.

As far as the title goes, it's my guess that that's a clue to how they got there, so it probably applies well to the story.

We'll keep your logline on file for future consideration. Please do not send the screenplay at this time.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Whoa.... There's lots going on here. Although the story is a bit, "out-there", you actually did a good job in hooking me into the premise, however, once you threw in the serial killer and the FBI, it took me right out. Too much, "double-mumbo-jumbo" as the late, great, Blake Snyder would say. The logline still leaves questions unanswered. Do these people want to get back to New York City? What's stopping them from getting there? Why would the FBI be down under? Is this serial killer from the United States?

I think you may need to re-think your story and narrow it down a bit.

Darren Coyle (Level 2)

Why do they encounter the FBI in the middle of Australia? FBI cannot go out of the boundaries of the US.

I give you points for thinking outside the box and giving it a "Life On Mars" feel to it. However, as a premise in a logline, I think you should go for more mysterious. "Can the two bank robbers escape a serial killer and the law in a strange world down under?" Something like that?

I like the title. It gives me an idea that they mysteriously passed through the earth and ended up on the other side. Good for you, cute name. If you can tie it in to something specific in the story, the more power to you. The man and woman are starving and only have an apple, so they cut it through the center? I don't know, but you get the idea.

As a logline, it feels a little all over the place. As well, I am unsure if it's a serious movie or a comedy. It would be helpful if this were made plain in the language of the logline.

Darren Ryan (Level 2)

I do like the title, and it makes me want to know more. Your logline is also very clear in story elements, but I wonder if there are too many. Or at least too many listed. Perhaps if the two sentences were able to exist as one sentence while still conveying the same information that would help. Nice work.

David Birch (Level 5)

i didn't know they have the fbi in australia...interesting concept, unclear if there is any time travel involved, but i guess i'll find out in the next round...does the woman rob banks also??...the title could use a little more originality...but a decent try...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

The title is nice, but not sure it fits the story.

Also, what jumped out at me first thing was the use of "a man" and "a woman". No description given at all to let us know if we want to spend 2 hours with them.

There is a lot of words with not enough punch here.

Derek Bailey (Level 3)

I will give this a "good" score, because you hit alot of the basics of a logline. But I believe that you missed something when you said that she had experienced the same thing. Because that would mean that she also robbed a bank and tried to escape by tram. However just for my personal feelings, I was so confused by the story line that I just wouldnt read this, or request a snyopsis.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

The story sounds a bit convoluted and confusing, but it does draw some interest and one wonders, "What the...?"

But I wonder if there isn't just a little too much going on; we have a bank robber going through some sort of time warp, who runs into a women experiencing the same thing half a world away, and then they just so happen to run into ANOTHER guy, who also just so happens to be a criminal and also experiencing the same time/space travel enigma.

It would be interested to see how this might be pulled off and if it could be kept believable within the story's context.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

To me, this reads more like a synopsis than a logline. Don't understand the title.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Good title. Interesting concept and has the makings of an engaging tale. Logline is well-constructed and clear, with no errors or typos! I'd like to know a bit more about the woman he meets. Also, it would be better to use a word other than "encounter" the second time. And don't they call the Australian countryside the "outback"? I like the fact that they have two antagonists they must evade, which makes for more complications and conflict. Nice job!

James Hughes (Level 5)

I liked the title, it was different and made me want to know more.

The story sounds very interesting, although having to outrun the FBI seems like the least unoriginal thing about the story. It would have been nice for all of it to have been so original as the other parts.

The wording on this is keeping it from being "Excellent". The wording is bland and not making this plot jump out as much as it should.

It could be tightened up as well. For example, the first part could be shortened to say "a bank robber riding the new york city subway mysteriously ends up . . .".

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

There's certainly a lot going on here, but I think you've worded it well and kept the audience interested.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Aw, the ending threw the story off. Now it's became a chase, other than a mystery. I love the first sentence. My eyes grew bright at the thought of it. It made me want to read more, but the serial killer thing seemed a little much.

If you haven't written this story yet, you might want to take that out.

'Through the Center' seems like the perfect title for this.

Your logline structure was on point too. You cut straight to the points we needed to know.

Very Good.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title is pretty good. Part of me was really confused by the whole concept, but for the most part I was intrigued and would love to hear more. It all seems so random I would like to see how it all ties together.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Kick-ass title, it stands up well on it's own, but also compliments your logline very well.

As for the story, I think you have such a great mystery/hook here, I just hope your explanation for it lives up to it. Personally, I think there are already too many serial killers and FBI in hollywood movies, so admittedly that part repels me, but I'll let you get away with it since they might be integral to the mystery.

Your craft is alright, but the double "encounters" sounds very clunky.

This is one I'd like to read, Well Done.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Really feels like a non-sequitor. You've got two completely unrelated things going on here -- a serial killer and a mysterious blackout/transporation.

What's the common ground between them? I'm sure they are connected cleverly and the answer is pivotal to your script but don't be afraid of giving more away in the logline.

That aside, the setup is really intriguing and it leaves me wanting to know more.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I'm finding myself wrinkling my brow in confusion about this logline. It seems like there are two or three potential storylines here but the connection between them is tenuous.

Justin Ormsby (Level 3)

Interesting concept for a story. Logline is a little ambiguous. What of the "Same thing" has the woman experienced? Just he subway ride? A bank job too? Is the seriel killer the antagonist? Why are they running? How does the title relate? Does it imply they travel through the center of the Earth? This submission makes me feel like this movie will just be strange. Bot sure I'd see it.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I like how this is set up. The idea that he just ends up in the Australian countryside after boarding a subway really brought me into the idea. I also liked that you mentioned that this happens to others. However, I would like to get a better idea as to where the story is going, other than just being on the run from the FBI, unless that's what the story is about. Maybe you could mention that the robber, the woman, and a serial killer all board a subway in New York and mysteriously wake up in the Australian countryside. Are these three working together now?

I would have liked to have learned the characters names instead of just man, woman, serial killer. I do like that you told us the man is a bank robber and the other person is a serial killer, but what about the woman? Is there something more to her character that we should learn? I think you've got the start of something interesting here, and I'd love to see how it plays out.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This is all over the place. It feels manufactured. It feels like I would be confused and this takes place in jumblesville. a serial killer a train. Focus your story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like the title a lot. It signifies the genre and is perfect for this kind of movies.

The logline is not together, I think. Who is the infamous serial killer and what he wants from them, to kill them? I'm curious to read about what happens and how they end up in the Australian countryside but I wish the rest of your logline was more about that and not about the serial killer. But if you chose to include that serial killer and if he's an important figure in your movie, I wish you connected the two ideas better.

Kirk White (Level 5)

i think the concept is great...but the logline needs some tightening! It just doesn't really unfold in a compelling way.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama with some sci-fi time travel. Maybe a romance develops between the man and the woman too.
Potentially some terrific visual locations. There's likely conflict as the two are pursued by the FBI. They could meet the serial killer, consider him a friend, and discover later that he is dangerous.
The idea is intriguing. The title might hint that the man drops from New York City "through the center" of the earth and pops up in Australia where he encounters the woman in similar circumstances.
The logline could be streamlined a bit. "On the run from the FBI" might not be necessary information; it would provide an interesting reveal in the actual story.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is a bit vanilla, because it doesn't immediately tell me what kind of story is coming up. There's no genre clues, though if I had to guess I'd say a romantic melodrama.

I'm not sure how the FBI got to Australia. Wouldn't Australian law enforcement be on their tail instead?

It strikes me that the two sentences of the logline are not well connected. I'm still puzzling over the disparity between the two storylines. Each by itself is already unlikely (magic/supernatural in one, gritty chase in the other), but they don't make a lot of sense together in the same movie yet. I'm also not sure why it's important to know that our protagonist robbed a bank (how does that impact his relationships or future choices?). The logline is chock full of interesting ideas, but I'm not yet sure what the focus of the movie is.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay. It compliments the story.

The logline could be cut down quite a bit, and cleared up some. Here's what I'm getting from what you wrote -

The protagonist is a bank robber.
The antagonist is the FBI (they're the ones chasing him).
The quest is to figure out how he got from a New York City subway train to the Australian Outback.
The woman is the secondary protagonist - essentially a sidekick.
I'm not sure where the serial killer fits into the story.
I don't know what the stakes are.

I'd think that the antagonist would be the serial killer, but that's not what you're saying here. The emphasis is on the FBI...

The story has potential, but it needs to be stated more clearly.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Why Australia? Parts of this sound cool. I guess I'm just having a hard time picturing them finding each other in Australia after having the same experience. I guess this is like a sci fi/crime/thriller?

It sounds pretty cool but maybe there's a way to work the first part so it doesn't sound so out there. Interesting though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Does the title refer to the center of the Earth? Because if it does, then it's blown your twist really. It still could be a portal or something else.

Why are the FBI in the Australian countryside? They only work within the USA.

It would help to have some more description of our two main characters. We know he's robbed a bank, but that's all we know.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I like the subway/portal idea. It's intriguing that the protagonist gets on in New York and ends up in Australia. Even better, he finds out he's not the only one that's been through this weird experience. Sounds like the beginning of a Twilight Zone episode.

It's a good start but the other elements of the story threw me off.

Why a bank robber? If you're telling the story about a man who can't lie for a day, making your protagonist a lawyer makes a lot of dramatic sense. The guy has to lie for a living. The choice of profession escalates the conflict. There's an organic relationship between both story elements.

Your main character encounters a serial killer and must go on the run from the FBI. How is this related to the subay/portal angle?

Being on the run for robbing a bank doesn't seem organically connected with the weird subway trip or with stumbling upon a serial killer.

The logline seems crowded with too many (unrelated) ideas that don't seem to click together very well.

Always make sure that the character's journey is dramatically connected to the hook (and the rest of the story elements). In the case of the lawyer who can't lie, the best thing to do is to give him a big case that requires lots of lying.

Hope this helps.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I guess it has something to do with this mysterious travel through the center of the world?

Logline - Tell me something about this man, other than he robbed a bank. The woman also robbed a bank? I'm not clear on that, or if it's relevant. The last line seems like you just added an interesting character that really has no connection to the story, and then brought in the FBI. You lost me there.

Story - Maybe there is something better in your story than the logline presents. I'm at least curious about this crazy train ride.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

The title is rather bland but not bad.

The logline is very confusing and rambles a bit.

There are interesting tidbits scattered throughout, but there's not enough here to really hook me.

Try trimming it down some and write several versions for others to rank, then pick the best one.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

The title doesn't really arouse any excitement or immediate identification with the premise.

I like the mysterious concept but the logline isn't a very smooth read. It's tricky to find the balance between too much and not enough but I think you've spun a little too much information in here and it appears unfocused.

I would cut the 'woman' out unless she drives the story just as much as the hero. If so, maybe lump them together with something like "A bank robber and a ____ woman are mysteriously transported from New York to Austrailia where..."

Maybe even cut out the FBI from the logline. They might be an important part of the story but the serial killer is much more intriguing as an opponent, where as the FBI chasing a bank robber is a pretty tired concept.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Not sure about the title.

Story - great. This is a wonderful and original idea but I'm just not sure what the robber's goal is before he goes on the run from the FBI and what is the FBI doing in Australia?

Australian countryside is called the outback.

I do hope I get to read the first ten pages or this quirky idea.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Haha I really like the insane premise. I hope you can create a great spin on it, the why or how. The title feels a bit simple though, and the killer and FBI are a bit cliché. But you did pull me in because of the cool concept.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

You got a lot going on here, a few genre and story-lines coming together: teleportation, crime, serial killing, etc. I wonder how (or if) they'll all come together?

Does he jump on a subway right after robbing a bank? I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

Who exactly is this woman? Can we know a little bit more about her?

Title: It's a cool title, just not entirely sure how it fits your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a good setup with and intriguing mystery. The title gives me an idea of what they think happened (although pedants may point out that The other side of the earth from New York is in the middle of the ocean).

Some of the language doesn't quite create a gripping sense of suspense - "who has experienced the same thing", "While trying to figure out", "gets on a subway". It's humdrum, everyday language which doesn't exactly bolster the spine-tingling mystery I think you're going for. Without shooting the verbs full of steroids ("embarks on a train" or "flee the FBI") there are probably a lot of active verbs that could heighten the effectiveness of the logline. Without that sense of urgency, it's not as promising for the script itself.

Still, I'd take a peek at the first ten pages.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title has a movie feel about it.

The story sounds like a good set up for some solid action. It is a little bit off the wall sounding but that's what makes it fun.

I guess the logline might be a little better if you gave us a hint of what the character and personal stories in this might be.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

I'm having trouble knowing what type of movie this is. Is it a fantasy drama? And is this based on a weird dream you had?
I'd probably see the movie out of curiosity, but I'm reluctant to believe I'd enjoy it. Is the serial killer someone infamous from the real world or does he exist only in the context of the movie?
The logline is ok, but you could have made it slightly shorter.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I think you can use periods :) Interesting idea but the idea of the people randomly appearing in a different country is interesting enough. I don;t think the serial killer is needed...but that is just my thought. Title is interesting.

Good luck this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

As wild as the premise sounds, I wonder how the action would hold up over the course of a feature script. Apart from the subway train, how else could they figure out how they got to Australia? It's a good twist to have these two encounter an infamous serial killer but why would they need to go on the run from the FBI? It seems we're given odd details and I'd rather just know that it's a fish out of water story culminating in a thrilling chase. Two New Yorkers in Australia is a movie all by itself. Good luck.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This logline is "Good". I like the title, the strange scenario involving going from New York to Australia on the subway, and how the two tie together. Fun and creative idea!

I think this could have been quite a bit tighter, though. I'm not sure the fact that the man robs a bank supports the story. How and why he gets on the subway should be revealed in the script, as the actual trip he takes from New York to Australia is the real meat on the bone. However, if the bank robbery ties into the FBI (why the FBI and not just the police?), then say "A bank robber gets on a subway" instead of "After a man robs a bank...", yada, yada, yada".

"While trying to figure out how they got there" could be worded a bit better. I like "Struggling to understand their journey" a little more. That's just an example, but it saves a little space and says the same basic thing.

The ending threw me off completely. Not much is explained as to why the serial killer is a key point. Do they all become a "team"? Does the serial killer take them as hostages so to speak? And what sparks the "run from the FBI"? I like the fact that I'm left to use my imagination to try to fill in some of the blanks, but these blanks are a little big in my opinion.

Still, I love the idea and would love to see this movie. I hope my criticism was constructive and helpful. Good luck!

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

I am not quite sure what your plot is with the teleporting and the serial killer. You may need to identify more clearly how the two interplay for the reader.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

What a weirdly original premise.

The title seemed a bit ordinary and I had a bit of trepidation when I read bank robber gets on subway.

Reminded me of similar heist films and Murray's "Quick Change".

What follows surprised me. Pleasantly.

It is original, weirdly funny and has elements of a thriller chase film within this sci-fi potpourri.

What makes it really interesting is that these are seemingly ordinary people in this extra-ordinary situation.

Wish we knew what the lady's background is.

Wanna read the first ten pages. Bring it!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmm so this is a fantasy? Why do they need to go on the run from the FBI when they meet the serial killer? That part was confusing to me.

The title is a little too vague I think. It doesn't really nail what the story is about, it could be about anything.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Good. It sums up what you are saying with your logline well.

Story - A good action/thriller with a twist. It's not really my genre but I can see people who enjoy sci fi getting into it.

Craft - There is nothing technically wrong with what you wrote. I, personally, think it's a bit long and you could get away with shortening it and not lose anything. In fact, I think shortening it a bit will help your story jump out. For instance, you could cut "go on the run from" and use one word and it would shorten the sentence and heighten the drama you are trying to convey.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is probably a terrific story, but the logline is all over the place. The really intriguing part of the story is that a guy gets on a subway in New York City and ends up in Australia...then he meets a woman who has experienced the same thing! To me, there's enough of a hook there to be almost a complete logline. When you continue and introduce the serial killer and the FBI, it becomes a big jumble, and it starts to sound a little silly. (In fact, it sounds like three separate stories.)

I would consider focusing your logline on the first sentence, then maybe adding a sentence to give us a little hint of what this story is...a sci-fi thriller? A mysterious fantasy? Something else?

Sounds like a fun story, but the logline needs some focus.

My score: GOOD.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hello. A lot of characters going on, almost to a fault. I'm not clear what the main threat would be for this action? Is it the mysterious subway, serial killer or the FBI? To trim up the first sentence, you can describe the guy as a bank robber and drop the first bit 'after a man robs a bank'. Keeping a logline short and sweet is a challenge, have to keep the focus on the main drive, or threat the hero must overcome. There is a lot of set-up by intro of characters, but there is no hint as to the hero's goal - is it to find his way back to NY? The premise has me hooked. I like the idea of being displaced and having to adapted to a new environment, in this case, from the craziness of NY to the dangers of the outback. Great concept!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This could be a good story, but the logline lacks any sense of excitement or emotion. Punch it up and make me want to know more.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I love your title and logline, but I have to admit that your ending thorws me off. I have read your title, and the first thing that has come to my mind has been Jules Verne and the center of the Earth. For some reason, I've tried to push it from my mind, thinking that the story would have nothing to do with that. You can imagine my surprise. Very good work with that, indeed. And I like very much your first sentence. It is intriguing, myterious, adventurous. I think the posibilities are plenty. But then, and infamous serial killer and the FBI? In Australia? I kind of feel like I was in a movie and all of the sudden I am in another, if you know what I mean.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: A good one. I like it.

Logline:
While a bit wordy, the first sentence catches my attention. Sadly, the second sentence spins out of control. They encounter a serial killer... but go on the run from the FBI? Why wouldn't they be running from the serial killer? Makes no sense. You need to intertwine things so they make more sense.

There is a story here I want to see written, but the logline fails in several respects. Since that is the point of this part of the contest, I can only give you a Good.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

The title is good I don't know about the story but the logline is good it is short and consise and tells the audience about the story without giving up too much. This is what loglines should do.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Experienced the same thing--does this mean that she too robbed a bank? An original scenario. Could easily see the trailer for this. Although not memorable, it seems to be a fitting title.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The title doesn't evoke anything for me. I don't have much of a reaction to it -- so I think it's "good".

The logline: I think a staccato approach would really work well with the first half of the logline -- "A man robs a bank, gets on a subway in New York City and ends up in the Australian countryside..." With your subject matter, I think it lends itself to a punchier pace.

The second half of the logline feels disconnected, almost as if it's an entirely new logline.

Comments Made After the Contest