Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

As silly as this idea kind of seems, I totally believe that this could happen. Kind of a tragic tale, but kinda heartwarming and funny at the same time. Good job on coming up with this one and good luck writing it.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Trying to figure how he title fits into the story. Is what this guy does one big joke? Usually I don't pay much attention to titles, but this should fit into the story somehow, and if it is all one big joke, how many reader/viewers will like that 'twist'?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I think you could really tighten up the wording. I'm thinking something kind of like this: 'Convinced of a coming nuclear holocaust, an ale-swilling Yorkshireman begins building an improvised bomb shelter against the wishes of his wife and the local planning department.' I think most people will understand a nuclear holocaust to be the end.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is unoriginal and doesn't seem to fit the story very well.

The genre is cloudy. The title sounds like a romantic comedy. The logline is a mix of comedy and drama, possibly sci-fi... Overall, I don't get a good sense of the genre here. If I had to guess, I'd go with some sort of a comedy, but it's unclear.

This logline does a good job of summarizing the first and most of the second act in one very long, run-on sentence. However, I don't get the sense that this is a summary of the entire story. If it is, I don't find it compelling enough to be something I'd be interested in watching. We're going to watch this wino build a flimsy bomb shelter for 90 minutes? If it's not a summary of the complete story, it should be. To me, this seems like the first and second act, but doesn't feel complete.

I don't think Nuclear Holocaust should be capitalized. I do think there should be some punctuation in there somewhere. A sentence that long needs a comma or two. Can you say that entire sentence in one breath? Probably not, so there should be a comma in there somewhere. The logline could definitely be tightened up a bit by cutting out some extraneous words.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This sounds like a jolly romp - but I fear that what you have described might only last for a few pages. It doesn't appear to have much of an element of conflict in it either.

The story is, you say, he BEGINS to build an improvised bomb shelter?

Nuclear holocaust doesn't require capital letters.

This is the bare bones of a potentially good story but you'll have to be very creative to give it legs for 100 or so pages.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I love it. Many Americanos will not understand what kind of communist invention an 'allotment' is, but hey, hopefully that won't hurt your rankings. I would be interested to know if there was some inspector trying to get him locked up in a mental institution. It just seems like there isn't as strong an antag as there should be. Otherwise great job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think the title is okay. I don't feel like it does your story justice - it almost feels too simple.

I love the set-up here. I am totally intrigued by this "ale-swilling Yorkshireman" (a great description by the way), but I want to know more about this story. What does this "bomb shelter" lead to. It feels like you have told us the first 20 minutes of the film, but I need to know a little bit more to get hooked.

If you can expand this a tiny bit, I think it could be great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "April Fools"

Yes, yes, he fears a nuclear holocaust, so he builds a shelter and people are unhappy and?... After the set-up, what's the story about? Everyone laughs at him until the bombs hit? He's actually tunneling his way under the bank? He discovers a family of giant talking moles who lead him to Narnia?

I like the set-up, it sounds like it could hilarious, but I don't where goes after it begins. I have an imagination, but I shouldn't be guessing -- the logline should have told me.

The title "April Fools" just sounds funny and I'd like to know what everyone is laughing about, but until I know the story, I don't know if it's a good title or not.

We'll keep your logline on file for future consideration. Please do not send the screenplay at this time.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This sounds like a pretty serious story with potential, but I just don't see how the title fits into the story. The title gives me the impression of comedy, but the story drama. Even though the Yorkshireman appears to be a drunk, the story does have a serious side. However, after reading this a few times over, I've come to the conclusion that this is probably a comedy, however, the logline suggests otherwise.

Interesting concept, though. I'd read the next ten pages to see where this goes.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

This one's good but doesn't put me over the top with I-gotta-read-this anticipation. There's lots of potential for great character work here but the nuclear holocaust/bomb shelter sounds dated. If you're looking for a more contemporary doomsday scenario read up on the Large Hadron Collider and the possibility of it generating a mini-black hole.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...the natural conflict between someone's conviction and "city hall"...my biggest problem i had with the premise is the ambiguity over what makes him so convinced that the end is near...something to make his conviction seem dire...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Not sure if the Title fits or not, it is not apparent in the logline. I am not sure this is something I would really be interested in seeing, it depends on the genre. If it is drama, it better be powerful. If it is comedy, it could be really funny. Not sure I am "feeling" this movie based on the logline. I mean I see a bitchy wife and a beaurocrat standing behind a counter with a DENIED stamp.

I like the Ale-swilling Yorkshire description that is good!! Is an allotment an apartment? Kind of hard ot build a shelter there - thats why I think it could be funny. Maybe it is an english term. Maybe that needs to be more clear and then I would "get it".

Derek Bailey (Level 3)

Good story description and visuals are there. So I like it. Most places don’t use the term allotment; I had to think about what that means. For me an allotment is what is given by one to another. I absolutely loved the first four words. Gave me a mental image and you can then move on to his dilemma.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

First thoughts looking at the title makes me think this will be a comedy. The logline is pretty clear and concise, and we can see who the protagonist and antagonists will be. Could be a fun script (unless I'm off about the comedy angle, then I don't know).

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This sounds like the expansion of a 5 page short recently entered in a contest. (forget which one) Anyway, I think this would make a great comic story, with promising hijinks and characters. The story feels a bit retro, not much call for all out nuclear war fear these days. But therein lies the comedy to me.

I think the logline is just fine, good job, but seems incomplete. I want to see more of the obstacles our Yorkshireman will face.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I think this logline would read better as two sentences instead of one long sentence. What is the main conflict in the story ... the Nuclear Holocaust or the despair of the wife and planning department? I don't understand the title's relevance to the logline.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Not sure how the title will relate to the story, though I'm sure it will... Sounds like the beginning of an interesting story, though I don't have a sense of what the protagonist's journey will be. The logline is clear and well-written. It just needs to reveal more of the story. What we have sounds like the first act.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

It took me a second or two to understand your title APRIL FOOLS. Who is fooling who though I wonder? Doesn't your protagonist believe his own convictions of impending doom? Would APRIL FOOL be a more apt title? You'd have a play on words and presenting a single fool, your lead character.

The story premise is a good one with lots of promise. I love stories of old married couples that have to abide with each other's peculiarities and personal lunacies.
I also very much like the brevity and pin pointed explanation of your premise. Good luck. Well done.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

My first impression is that you can break the logline up into two sentences. I need to catch my breath after reading it.

What does April Fools have to do with plot of the story? Sounds like a mismatch.

Nevertheless, you identified the protagonist, his goal, and the antagonists. So it's a GOOD for me.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Does allotment mean house?
The title is confusing me. Is what happens in the moveie a joke?
Why is the local planning department so involved in the community to be tracking this and becoming so involved? Maybe if it were in a gated community which closely monitored the residents' activity?
I can see this being filled with colorful neighbors, etc. I am interested in seeing it.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I'm not sure that I'm able to figure out the style of this script based on what is presented here. With a title like that, it sounds like it'd be light and funny, but the logline sounds deep and daunting. One of the two needs to be altered. I'm guessing it's the title.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You should have told us the main problem he encounters. Saying that his wife and the local planning department disagree is kind of vague.

The title... is this all going to be a joke? Is he just fooling everyone? Hm.. that's what I get from the title but not from the logline. This is the first title I've read that effects the story line. Strange...

The story is unique, and I'm assuming it's going to be a dark comedy so that gets extra points. I'm wondering whether or not to give this a good or Very Good. Hm...

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Sorry, but I just can't get into it. I am curious to see what genre it is, but nonetheless, just not my kind of theme.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This one's very interesting. I like the title, it seems very appropriate and instantly establishes the tone.

I like the plot, it's very original, but I think you need to further share what kind of repercussions his actions have other than "the despair of his wife and the local planning department" because this part really doesnt tell us much.

I think depending on which direction you take it, I think it could easily turn out brilliant or awful, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is one I'll want to read.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

I'm assuming this is a comedy (as opposed to a drama). If it is, this sounds like it could be a funny screenplay/movie. My only conern about this logline is that I don't see where it goes. It doesn't seem like it would take two hours or a hundred-something pages to build a bomb shelter. Also: why would a local planning department care if someone built a bomb shelter?

I might also briefly mention WHY the protagonist thinks the apocolypse is coming. Is he the victim of an april's fool prank? Is he having visions? Is he just crazy?

Also: I like the title. My only recomendation for it would be that if the protagonist is meant to be the fool referenced, it should be a singular fool.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Haha! Just the logline makes me laugh. This sounds like a great character-based comedy, and you've managed to not only convey clearly what his goal is but also what he will face in trying to achieve it. Only question is what convinces him, what's the starting point of all this, but that's minor.. great job.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Pretty well-written logline. I like the general concept, but wonder if I can relate enough to the main character.

John Ward (Level 3)

Your title is pretty good, not totally sure how it relates to the rest of the story though - unless it is all some practical joke, which you haven't yet touched upon. The logline is simple and easy to read, certainly could work as a zany British comedy, but I think you need to hook us a little more. Why does he go to these extreme lengths to build a shelter? This is the crux of the story which will lead to the comedic conflict. Certainly a great idea lurking here though.

Justin Ormsby (Level 3)

My first concern would be how the title relates to the logline and the story. I'm lefting wondering if said "ale-swilling Yorkshureman" has been the victim of an April Fools joke, or if perhaps he is the fool. I think the logline could be re-written in a way that flows a little better. "Much to the despair of his wife and the local planning department, an ale-swilling Yorksireman builds an improvised bomb shelter in order to survive what he thinks will be a Nuclear Armaggedon." Just an idea. Great ideas here though!

Katie Va (Level 3)

I like a good Black Comedy, which I assume this will be. And I absolutelly love a good Yourkshireman, so this is my luck day! This script will have a lot of potential to be very funny in a very clever way, and I think it will all rely on the characters. Make sure you get very distinct and original characters with individual voices, in order to build the fantastic dialogue this premis will require.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Umm... is this a comedy. I guess it is but I don't know if I love it though. It needs more comedic tone than just ale swigging.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The genre is clear! The title is great I think and compliments your logline.

I'd get rid of "so" to make it leaner.

Does he meet any resistance from his wife and the local planning department? Looks like he should, but you framed it as "despair" which I don't think is a great choice of a word in this instance.
Other than that it's Very Good. Clear, to the point and easy to understand.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this. this is sellable. but as it's written now, I'm not getting the quirky sense of your writing that is unique to you and needed for this type of movie.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama.
The premise is full of conflict. It's inferred that the alcoholic protagonist may not be entirely clear-headed, and his "bomb shelter" project is the result of delusions. Perhaps he tries to convince his wife and outsiders of the urgency, or he stubbornly ignores their pleas for sanity. Either way, no doubt he's likely fighting with everyone.
Interesting title. The "Fools" seems to reference the Yorkshireman. There's no mention of "April" in the logline, but it might surface in the story.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

That's a good title! It's been used before (according to IMDb), but never for a full-blown feature.

Sounds like a comedy, and also a comedy I'd probably enjoy very much. I get the whole picture from your logline: protag, antags, conflict, hilarity. I look forward to those first 10 pages from you! Excellent.

Luke Sharratt (Level 2)

The basic premise is quite entertaining, but more details are needed to pass judgement. How does the title relate to your logline exactly? It could be much clearer. Are you implying that the film takes place in April and that the man is a fool? Or is it a play on the fact that he is tricked in to building the shelter?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This sounds so British! I love it!

You've got most of what I'm looking for in this logline. What you have here is really open ended. I'd like a better idea of what the stakes are.

This is well-written. The premise is really fun.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This sounds like it has potential. I want to read this one...and it better be funny!! :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I'm not sure if this can sustain an entire movie.

I'm also not sure what the title refers to. Is the person who convinced him about the nuclear holocaust (neither should be capitalised) just playing an April Fools joke?

"much to the despair of his wife and the local planning department"
These stakes aren't very high to drive the film. Also, if we as an audience know that he's wrong from the get-go, we can't really root for him to triumph, and so our protagonist is just an idiot.

Nevertheless, this could still be a charming indie film if handled properly.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Seems to indicate that some sort of a gag is taking place though I don't get that sense from the log line.

Logline - Fairly straight to the point. Perhaps something more than despair on the part of the wife and local planning department? Something more challenging?

Story - I can see this as a pretty funny movie, with a great deal of wit and fast talking that I usually can't fully comprehend. I don't think the adjective "impoverished" is quite right. I don't think you would build an impoverished something, but more reduce something to an impoverished level. But I got the idea.

Matthew Walters (Level 1)

Sounds entertaining. What's the connection between the title and the logline? It seems like a comedy with a lot of crazy characters in it. April is an early month of spring. suggests rebirth for all the characters. a sort of rights of passage for older characters. Is the character maybe transferring his fear of death into a wider fear of annihilation. I'd like to know something about his inner emotional journey and I'd like to know more about his effect on the other allotment people. Does he make them feel better or worse?

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

This is a tad dry for my tastes. I'd like to get a better idea of what the stakes are. What's the protagonist's name?

Best regards.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This sounds like a great film- very funny and a lot of fun. I like those English/Irish films about the town drunks who do crazy things, and this fits that bill. It's a unique storyline that if done well could be a lot of fun. I don't see how the title fits, but hopefully it will. The logline is very well written.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

A good title. I don't think it really captures the essence of the logline but it is a good grabber.

I like the concept of this script and the logline has all the elements that make a good story (hero, villain, goal)

However, it reads long, running on a bit. Simply rearranging the structure could take this to another level...

"Fearing a Nuclear Holocasut, an ale-swilling Yorkshireman begins construction of an improvised bomb shelter in his allotment, much to the despair of his wife and the local planning department."

I really like what you have here. If it advances, I would consider this small change to the logline but you still have a good thing working. Could be really quirky and fun. Best of luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: not very original. Sounds comedic. Doesn't seem to fit with the premise.

Story: Has an interesting set up but then not much follows. Is there nothing else going on? No relationships or redemptions or character explorations?

There is a protagonist who wants to build a shelter but the planning dept stand in his way - is that going to fill 90 minutes of screen time in an entertaining manner?

It's not something I would be keen to watch.

Craft: A long sentence but well constructed.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Think I've read something like this before? Although not so specific as this. There was even a moviepoet short about building a nuclearshelter I believe. It's in the Numbers contest, so yeah, on originality it doesn't win that many points, but I guess you put a nice new spin on things. I like the angle where he goes up against the local planning department. Its a nice dramalike premise, but I do feel the title gives away too much (the nonsense) and it's not really covering of the material.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

As per the information in your logline, it sounds fun, but is there enough here for a ninety or so page screenplay? I can already see the filler scenes.

What's the overall genre? It sounds comedic.

Why is this Yorkshireman convinced that the end is coming? More 2012 stuff?

I don't think nuclear holocaust needs to be capitalized, it's not a proper noun.

Title: It's been used before (in a horror) and I have no idea how it relates to your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This sounds hilarious, frankly because nothing beats a Yorkshireman for sheer hilarity. (And ale-swilling, at that.)

If if this logline suffers from anything, it's lack of breath. It's pretty long for one sentence - you can do it, but you're gonna need some commas. You could seperate "convinced that the end is coming in the form of a Nuclear Holocaust" as a modifying clause, attached to the Yorshireman by commas. There phrase "and so" is quaint, but just use "and". And certainly set off "his allotment, much to the despair..." with a comma.

Still, it's a funny, funny idea, and I'd take a peek at your first ten.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works well for a comedic concept.

The story idea sounds strong to me. It sounds like you've got a good source of drama and a basis for effective comedy.

The logline technique looks okay to me. I'm not sure about the unpunctuated length of this single sentence, so I guess that makes me wonder if it could be broken up a little.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I like the title, given the premise. This has a number of elements of those 'small comedies' about 'small events' in 'small towns' and would eventually be driven by the zany townspeople and their reaction to the crazy Yorkshireman. I enjoy those and I like the fact that you set up a well-defined end point and inciting incident. I think this would be fun to watch play out and I think you have a good craft in constructing your log line which tells me you would probably have a well-constructed screenplay.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

First of all, I chuckled at the overall idea for this script. Very clever. I bet it will be fun to write.

But I need to offer some constructive criticism that's intended to be helpful, not hurtful.

This logline was extremely difficult to read (I had to read it very slowly the second time) because it's constructed poorly. It's long-winded and has grammatical errors that distracted me. It needs to be shuffled around and tightened up quite a bit. Here's an example of what I mean:

"A booze-happy Englishman, convinced that Nuclear Holocaust will soon end the world, decides to build a bomb shelter amidst protest".

That tells the exact same story in a much tighter way. The fact that he lives in Yorkshire should be revealed in the script. Where and how he decides to build his bomb shelter should be revealed in the script. Those who appose his plans, and how they might try to stop him, should be revealed in the script.

Get it down quickly without using too much fluff. I hope my suggestions were helpful.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

I love this. I can imagine a lovely, quirky, character driven movie. One little thing, he's convinced, why? Did he mishear something while being drunk? Just curious. Otherwise, I can't wait to read more.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The first 10 pages!

Now!

Wanna read them.

Excellent!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Nice logline. Well written, clearly understandable. I'm already intrigued and want to learn more about this guy and what he is going to do, and if he's going to achieve it.

The first logline I gave a very good to.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Clever, I like it a lot.

Story - It certainly sounds entertaining and you've done a good job of setting the tone of the story with your choice of words and descriptions.

Craft - You've stuck with the conventional one sentence logline and it does well for you. I see the conflict in his decision and the room for comedy in the story. I am rating it a very good. It's missing the big "hook" or it would be an excellent.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Sounds like a pretty funny concept.

But it also sounds like a one-joke logline and maybe not enough substance to sustain a feature length movie. Of course, I could be (and probably am) totally wrong about that, but it's hard to tell from the logline.

A little more info could really spice this up.

The title doesn't help much -- it's kinda ho-hum.

Could be a great one, but it's hard to tell from the little you've given us.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Not sure about it really. I don't really know what April Fools has to do with your logline?

Logline: I like the premise and I could see it as a sweet comedy, very much told from the Yorkshireman's point of view - building up a lot of empathy for him as a character.

Summary: Well written logline and a good premise - could maybe use a change of title, but still a very good effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Hmm... not sure how it matches up with the story. Perhaps if it were "April Fool" - singular - then it would relate more to this misguided protagonist.

Logline:
I think this is supposed to be a comedy, right? If so, you're gonna have to punch up the funny... a lot.

Using the term "his allotment", while I knew what you meant, is an odd turn of phrase outside the UK. I'd use "Garden" or "back yard" or "basement" or something a bit more easy to picture. Or make it better... "... in his wife's prize winning Rose garden...". That gives us a lot of info and we can see in a second some of what is in store.

In the end, this is really only 1/2 of a logline. It's more of a TV Guide description.

I could see what is here now being tightened up to something like...

"Fearing the end of the world is near, a drunken Yorkshireman decides to build a bomb shelter in his wife's award winning rose garden."

The second half would include a variation on why his wife and the planning commission stand in his way and what is at stake if he fails.

I think there is a cute, small movie here... indie...

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

There was a horror film years ago called April Fools Day, and for me that title was a spoiler for the film in a way, but your title may have a deeper meaning. I think I can picture the tone of the story with this clear logline. I would enjoy watching something like this.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I like the title and feel it works well with the logline. Two works that stick out for me in the logline, "improvised" and "allotment" -- the former isn't needed. Ale-swilling clearly states that the bomb shelter is improvised. The later, well, that's just a language differences and I find no fault there -- only that it stuck out for me.

Is it known as planning department? In the states, it's planning board. Had nothing to do with marking, just curious.

Comments Made After the Contest