Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

It was a nice story. Real characters. Dialogue was nice. However, I wasn't interested. They come to question a kid, then they knew who is the killer. It felt like a scene of a bigger movie. I didn't care about the whole kitchen accident, which you mentioned briefly. So I didn't want to know who did it. You need to make the reader care about what you are going to give them.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Your first page needs more white space. It looks like a page from a novel, not a screenplay. There are also portions of dialogue that should be trimmed or broken apart to enhance the flow of this script. You go in to too much detail about the character's clothing. How would we know if Detective Wynn's got a long sleeve shirt on if it's under his jacket and furthermore, why is that important to the script?

Don't tell us "Loren explains the situation to them." If she's saying anything, it needs to be in dialogue form.

The title doesn't really work for me. It's never explained and doesn't seem relevant to the story.

You give us some information that turns out to be ultimately unnecessary. What does the half-naked burned kid have to do with anything? He's not a part of the story at all.

As for the story itself, it was okay but there were some major loopholes that I noticed. The most major one is why Detective Wynn would show up to interrogate the kid with anyone at all, let alone someone from the Department of Child and Family Services? Wouldn't he want to go there alone? Why would he show up with Loren and then expect to go in alone, presumably to hurt the kid? And if that was his intention, why would he offer to let her interrogate Finn after he was done? I really don't know.... This one didn't work for me. A nice effort, but this has some major story issues that need to be worked out and the script needs to be tightened up considerably. Lose any info that's not relevant to the story, shorten your descriptions a lot, dont' go in to detail about what everyone's wearing, etc...

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not sure I like the use of a forward slash in a title.

Your descriptions of the characters' clothes are very detailed. Are they necessary? I don't think so. Almost a whole page gone!

What WAS the significance of the TEEN MALE? He had no relevance at all to the story, at least, none that I could ascertain.

Why was Finn in a mental institution?

As a Brit - I pronounce Wynne Wynne not Wunn. I really don't know any Brit that wouldn't, so I'm afraid the premise of your story rather falls apart.

You have a vivid imagination but you need to channel it and make sure every word counts in your screenplay (and that you get your facts right!)

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Aufweidersehn

- I love titles with slashes.
- How can we see it's 1965 without a super, other wise you'll have to describe the environment to get what time period it's in.
- 'if angry at the world' is fluff and flower. It's fine as long as it doesn't take up an action line.
- I'll let you get away with the 'they introduce themselves'. But this takes screentime, so it should be spelled out.
- Is it FINN or FUNN, is he Irish or Chinese.

Ahh, I'm disappointed. I was expecting something else. We get a good introduction, then some kid mispronounces a word and the whole thing turns out to be a younger than normal directive is just a homicidal thief. Otherwise good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the hook of this story. A child who says the murderer is "one" but is just mispronouncing "Wynn".

However, the story feels a bit forced to make this hook work. Why does the child mispronounce a name he heard and didn't read? Why doesn't the child say anything else? Why does Wynn kill these people? Why does Wynn go to the interrogation? I think if you can make this all a bit more plausible it could be really good.

Lastly, I think you can come up with a stronger title for this story.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It's a twisty little tidbit that says a lot in five pages. It flowed well, had good pacing, the dialogue was just a little on the nose, in a couple places, but overall it was good.

The one thing that did slow me down and made me read it three times, was when they bring the teen out with cigarette burns, and the ORDERLY says "So, what happened to this kid?" The first couple of times I read it I thought he meant the kid with cigarette burns. It could have just been me being dense, and even if it wasn't, it's easily fixed.

Another thing I couldn't quite latch on to is that they stuck this cute five-year-old kid away in mental hospital, just a week after the massacre. Maybe I'm ignorant of what they happens in real life, but it just didn't ring true to me.

But I did like the twists.

Thanks.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was good, but I thought the tension could have built a bit better. At least for me. There wasn't really a good hook that kept me interested.

I would have liked to have a bit more information on Detective Wynn and his motivations for shooting everyone in the diner. The ending just seems like it comes out of nowhere with no hints of Detective Wynn's motivations anywhere else in the script.

David Birch (Level 5)

probably should put one in quotes..."one"...that way it's clear that the person speaking (loren) is speaking...a little of "overwriting"...things like "cawing as if angry at the world"..."he has a blue baseball cap"...also be careful using pronouns when multiple characters are in the scene..."he is strikingly (i'd lose that word) handsome"...he, who he...wynn...the ordederly...but there was much too like about your story...better on a tighter re-write with more in it...thanks

DW Pollard (Level 4)

To start, I didn't care for the title and still don't completely see how it relates to the story; and a title with a slash in it seems awkward.

Was there any particular reason for the story was set in 1965? Not that it matters too much, but just wondered if when filmed, you would put SUPER: 1965 or if it makes much difference either way.

The story seemed a bit simplistic and contrived; just a little too easy with not much dramatic tension. I would think Detective Wynn, knowing what Finn knows, would be more adamant or pressing to see the child first; and even if he did get in to see the child first, what exactly would he do? (That scene might make for a more interesting script.)

The story was just a little too easy and could use a little more conflict. It was a good setting for an interesting piece.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, this wasn't bad, maybe even clever. It did seem to take a while to develop, and as such, by the time I get to the reveal it lost its impact, and felt more like I was the victim of a trick question, a hoax, a fast one.

The concept reminds me of.. Witness? I'm not sure, but that's good because I can't cite a direct example. Either way, it should be a compelling story.

Good writing, I was thrown by a description, "Loren explains the situation to her as they get to Finn’s room." Aren't they talking? You don't need to tell us that, and you can't tell us something we can't see. Point is, it took me out of the story, and Claire's introduction was a little bumpy because of it.

The title may be a bit too clever for me.

Good writing, and altogether a good job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I enjoyed the story. Here are some notes about the writing.

This sentence didn't make sense to me: "An enormous brick building, ominous and eerie, stands alone in a parking lot."

When I first started to write SP's I made too many references to what the characters were wearing. Is it really important that the orderly is wearing a white button-down shirt? Does it matter if the tee shirt is blue? Only tell us those things that add to the character in the story.

"He rolls his eyes." I've been told that actors don't like to be filmed "rolling" their eyes.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This one is okay to me. I didn't expect Wynn is the culprit all along, and it makes sense since he wanted to talk to Finn in private so desperately. I guessed this is what you wanted to achieve and I think you've succeeded in this department.

What I have problem is with the structure of the story. I think it takes a little bit too long until you get to the point of what's going on with the Finn kid. The first two pages described the nature and the environment of the mental hospital instead of the story. So a little bit of tightening would push the read up.

The middle part is good, but too short because Loren got the answer sooooo easily. Like she didn't really have to work for it. Some struggles and complications would make Loren a more interesting character. The resolution fits but not the most satisfying because Loren, Finn and his mother just left the building. Everything works perfectly for them. Maybe you can spice it up having Wynn bashes in when Finn confesses?

I don't think you need the flashback scene at the end. We already knew what happened: Wynn is the murderer and Finn hid under the sink.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. GOOD.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

First off, I didn't see any technical errors that stood out to me, and everything seemed formatted okay. As for the story, it felt like all premise, and then bam, surprise ending. It was a neat little twist, it just felt a little clumsy, especially since we didn't really get to know Winn at all, or anyone else for that matter. They just didn't seem to have any personality to me. It was a neat little premise though.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good!
Interesting idea in that finding the answer is completely dependent on understanding the accent of the witness.

I thought the characters were well developed. I wondered about that orderly and how much he knew.

I'm not completely sold on the title. I do think you can come up with something a bit more clever that's catchy.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The title... which one should I call it? Did you not come up with a decision? Strange...

You described everything they were wearing. Why? It had nothing to do with the story. Especially Detective Wynn. It shouldn't matter what they have on unless it has something to do with the story.

When Loren says "does he pronounce words like you?" I don't think that's realistic. I would assume she would just ask does he have a British accent as well.

Claire wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion unless she was suspect about Wynn the entire time, and you didn't say she was. She's not a detective herself, so it came out of nowhere.

I did enjoy the entire setup of the story though. Seems like it has potential.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

A thriller/mystery that hinges on a child witness mispronouncing the killer's name.

I think this has a lot of potential, especially if it could be made so that the reader comes to the conclusion without being told it. But right not it's a lot of setup. The first scene goes on over many pages, and too much is explained to the reader in dialogue instead of just shown on the screen.

However, it's got all of the elements for a good thriller. Focus more on the word "ONE" and it could bring out the strengths of this piece.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I don't get the first part of the title (Tragic Loss). I'm assuming Evil Win referes to Detective Wynn. I was going to mention that halfway through the script you started to spell Finn wrong, but as I continued reading I see it was purposely done. Very well done.

The introductory scene with the first orderly took too long and expositorily takes up much unnecessary space. The last scene (which was the actual meat and potatoes) felt rushed. At the end we don't even get a complete conclusion to the tale. The script could have achieved an excellent if you would have developed the story less in the beginning and instead placed more substance on the scene with the kid, probably even including the flashback during the interview betwqeen Loren and the kid. Overall, this was nicely written with decent dialogue and a very intersting twist. Cheers to you on a Very Good Entry. Keep at it.

Karen Carson (Level 1)

I liked it. I immediately knew that something creepy was going to happen, given the setting, the glances, etc. I think the word "cute" is used too much to describe people - my opinion. Interesting twist in the word game and accent. I think I share in the thought with the writer that I'd actually like to see actors act this one out in the correct manner. Good characters, good dialog. I'd like to comment on last scene, using "A WEEK AGO," I would use "A WEEK PRIOR."

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

First off, this title... is way over my head. This just seems like a comic book story, even down to the Title. Tragic Loss/ Evil Win.

You don't have to give us a title that tells us exactly how the story ends. I was thinking are you serious. Oh well, except for some telling in the descriptions and some pretty explanitory dialogue. I'd say this is ok. It just suffers from too much on the nose stuff. Please get rid of the title or titles.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's neatly written.

I got a bit lost here "He has a blue baseball black steel necklace.
cap on and his badge hangs from a thin The orderly looks at Loren." - at first you talk about Wynn, but since you have "he", it looks like you talk about "the orderly".
I think you could get away with a few "he stares", he looks snide etc.

I did not understand the importance of wrong pronunciation.

Somehow unbelievable that Wynn would enter the institution since he knows that the boy may recognize him.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Clever twist.
Characters are easy to follow, although might be a good idea to vary some ages; The Orderly, Loren, Detective Wynn, and Claire Gordon are all in their twenties.
The mental institution setting is novel, but probably don't need the reference to 1965. Wondered why a five-year-old is being held in a place like that. Seems odd that the child is confined because all he can say is "one." Why he is in the diner, presumably alone, at five needs to be established. A stretch to believe this child associates the detective with the Voice screaming "Wynn" in the diner, while he is "crouched inside a cabinet under the sink." These inconsistencies would be easy to fix.
Description and dialogue need tightening. Several instances of "looks" -- "He looks at her questioningly" -- that could be omitted without detracting.
An interesting story idea.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title, right off the bat, sounds chunky and melodramatic. I think it needs a change.--After reading the story, I still think so. And now you've even introduced another wordplay on "Win", which is just too clever for your own good, I think.

I could be totally wrong about this (depending on the US State you're setting this story in), but I just want to make sure you doublechecked your research. Loren identifies herself as being with the "Department of Child and Family Services", though the department name sounds somewhat more modern than 1965. By the mid 1960s, most states had already passed laws making child abuse reporting mandatory, but I'm not sure that the institutions had Department titles. Again, I could be totally wrong.

It feels like an unnecessarily long time before we meet Finn. Page 4. Maybe you're just creating anticipation, but I thought a lot of that dialogue was extraneous and could be cut.

The flashback at the end wasn't necessary. We already got the point.

The twist is interesting, but I have a hard time figuring out this mother-son speech impediment from a realistic point of view. The short "i" and short "u" really don't sound similar, and I'm struggling to cause my own mouth to make this mistake. It's an impediment I've never heard before. Again, I could be totally wrong, but this particular impediment sounds contrived. It's a great idea, though, to use a speech impediment to reveal a killer in this manner! I'd just suggest using a more-believable impediment, especially one that's apparently genetically or environmentally related.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't care for the use of "as if" in scripts. Just say what it is. I'm not giving this any weight in my rating, though, because I don't think there's any writing law against it. One of the dangers of using this method, though, is that your analogy might not work for some readers.

You're writing this like a work of fiction rather than a script. Use fewer words and keep them immediate - present tense and active. You have the detective responding to an action that you don't describe.

Cut back on the descriptives. A lot. Don't go into details on what someone is wearing unless it's an important part of the story. Trust your readers, too. "An orderly" in a mental institution brings an immediate image to my mind. I would bet it does the same for almost everyone else. Whether it's the exact image you have in your mind as you write is irrelevant. The important thing is to get the story across.z

"He catches Loren take a quick stare, and smirks." You have the detective responding to an action you don't describe to the reader. Picture it playing out on the screen and write it that way - She does this. He does this. Each action will be a shot. Write shots. If you have any questions about what I mean, email me.

Don't use the word "then" unless it's in dialogue. No eye rolling, either ;D

"Several people have questioned him, but all he ever says is one." One what? I'm not getting this. You either omitted a word or the kid only says the word "one." Clarify this in the rewrite. Okay, I've read on, and it's the latter. Make that clear immediately. You don't want your reader scratching their head over what you meant in the previous sentence.

I've finished, and it's an interesting if implausible story. Rethink the location. The boy's age doesn't fit the institutional setting. The timeline doesn't work for the same reason. No one's going to stick a scared five year old in a mental institution and leave him sit for a week without seeing his mother.

Marjory E. Leposky (Level 1)

The script was nicely written, but I got a little lost. I had to go back to the start of the script to realize who Wynn was. The format of the script was fine. With short scripts you have to have a clean start, middle, and end. The writer was good at decrypting his or her characters. What city or state does the script take place in? It gives a location and year.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't understand that title and how it fits with this story.

First and most important, I've never heard anyone speak like that (funn, wunn). That was sorta out there. Both mother and son had an issue with the short "i" shound? Then why didn't Finn's mother say "kulled" instead of "killed", that's the same short "i" sound. So for me the believablity of the plot wasn't there.

As far as your writing, there's a lof of over explaining action and description. It really slowed the story down. Like did we need to know every article of clothing both Loren and Wynn were wearing? Did that add to your story in any way?

Naked except underwear? Sounds odd. Why not say he's only wearing underwear?

"Loren explains the situation to her as they get to Finn’s room." You're telling us this. If this were a film how would we know what they were talking about? so it needs to be dialog.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Interesting title, although I don't think it suits your story.

I like the twist. I think you have to be clearer about the accent though. A 'British' accent could be Irish, Scottish, or any number of regional variations in those countries and England itself. As I hear a mix of these accents every day, it just took me out of the story briefly, trying to figure it out. If I assumed you meant the English accent commonly imitated abroad, then I don't think the pronunciation would work in this story.

You build up a good atmosphere in the mental institution, always creepy places, although I would question Finn's presence there.

The necessary exposition was well handled. I'm not sure if you need the extra details about the mental institution, considering it doesn't turn out to be that important.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Great twist to end this! I struggled with "Funn" at first, trying to figure out how you came up with that sound, but gave up after a bit thinking it must have been a typo... until the dialog continued.

Some possible improvements: ".. a quick stare.." Which is it? The orderly goes form snide to inquisitive? That didn't fit. Clair didn't seem to speak to her child as you would expect from a mother in that situation - too abrupt and cold.

Overall I liked the story. Good job.

Matthew West (Level 2)

It seemed okay, sort of. I liked the premise, but it's almost like a joke popped into your head and you tried to force it into a serious script. A play on words that I didn't see coming, but I can't help but think I didn't see it coming because I've never heard anyone mispronounce an 'i' so it sounds like a 'u'. It just seemed a little stretched.

Also, two bones to pick, "Loren explains the situation to her". If it's dialogue, shouldn't it be written out? And the characters are described too much for my liking, in terms of appearance. Why does it matter if someone has auburn hair in this story?

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

All the clothes descriptions - are they necessary? I found it really repetitve and it didn't give me any insight into the characters.

Finn and Wynn as character names? could get confusing.

"all he ever says is one" - one should have speech marks around it.

"But we gotta go through here." - this confused me - I kept waiting for them to go through somewhere but then realised the line is justifying them seeing the kid with the burns. I think it's unecessary.

CLAIRE
The poor child. - she says this about her own son? She doesn't know what's happened to her own son? The police have seen her boy, several times before she has? Something seems very amiss here.

Uh - I'm a Brit and that whole thing with the accent is a little odd - I think you may need to be more specific about what kind of British accent Claire has. A straight up 'strong' British accent doesn't usually pronounce words like that - you probably need a regional accent such as Scouser or maybe even Scottish or Irish.

This starts out very well and had me intrigued but then it kind of petered out. What's the relevance of setting it in the 60's? And why the kid with the burns?

Your dialogue margins look a bit wide and but otherwise formatting ok - although TITLE OVER for the dates and flashback should also be used.

The title is also a little strange - what's the tragic loss about?

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

The story has a really nice twist. The reader can feel great because he/she got the hints and figured it out. I liked it very much. I did have a couple of problems with the actual craft -- Describing the characters is always difficult. The descriptions here would be fine in a short story, but are too specific for a script. Everyone was either muscular or cute. The flashback to show Winn as the killer was interesting and I'm not sure how I felt about it: It does "show, not tell." But it is also not a standard technique in post-modern cinema.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Cool twist, with the name thing. The title is absolutely lost on me and I think you can do better here. Does it really convey the emotion of the script?

It is a nice contained story, there's certainly a climax and a reveal, but I don't think that showing the insane Wynn is really strong. Besides, you never really show any motivation or even a sign of ailment within Wynn. Perhaps he was an old resident? Could you put that in there? Or something else that hints at his psychological defect?

There's also little reasoning behind the murders I suppose, but perhaps you could shine some light on that too.

A little err on formatting too, at one point you describe in actions what you should bring into dialog. If they introduce themselves, this has to be in the dialog.

Best Moment: The setting of the building, you certainly opened the script well.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate the surprise twist-ending, but I'm afraid it, along with other parts of the story, all fall a bit short.

There's really not much of a story here, there's just four or so pages of set-up for the twist. The twist being based on an accent feels a little weak, as well.

What is Detective Wynn's motivation to go on a shooting rampage? It feels a little reminiscent to the Night Owl massacre in "L.A. Confidential."

This all feels like part of a larger story, not a complete, contained five-page story.

Your character descriptions are far too descriptive, they need to be pared down considerably. We don't need to know about black windbreaker pants, black boots, blue baseball cap, auburn hair, fair skin, etc.

I don't understand the title, or particularly like it, I'm afraid.

Aside from the over-descriptions, your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

P.S.- You have an extra page six.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

You've got a clean, simple mystery in this, but I'm not sure that this story plays out as quickly as it might. It feels kind of drawn out, but then on page four it suddenly moves very quickly in showing both the clue and the explanation of the clue. Then the wrap up shows us something that we already know about from the previous scenes.

More than half of the first page is devoted to introducing the building and then a sequence of characters. This may be necessary, but it gets the read off to a slow start. In particular I'm not sure if you need to describe their clothes in this much detail.

"Loren and Wynn introduce themselves. Loren explains the situation to her as they get to Finn’s room." - The first part of this is probably okay since the dialogue is mundane. I'm not sure about the second part because that seems to involve quite a bit of detail so it would either need to be written out or it would be difficult to see on screen. Either way I suspect this whole line could be left out and you wouldn't lose much.

"And that’s all he ever says. One." - This feels repetative.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

The plot and twist are very good. I think this story can be really really good if expanded. Loren is a good character, I think you can get a little deeper with her. As for the flashback, I think you can possibly move it to when the characters find out the truth. It might be more powerful in that moment, than repeating what the audience already assumes. Keep at it and good job.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

This is a great story. I love the suspenseful surprise. Although the initial shot sets a mood with the exterior of the building, I think you accomplish much the same with the Orderly at the beginning, so I wonder if you need that very first scene? Names are such a central theme in this it would be nice if the first Orderly has a name as well. Have you thought about, playing with the section when Loren, Wynn, and Orderly travel through the first ward to add more dialogue for Wynn? It might be fun to see Wynn support and comfort Loren through there to set up the secret better at the end. Just a few thoughts, but I really liked this.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think it isn't necessary to describe everything that people are wearing, just cut to simple quick descriptions. It sort of took me out of the story right at the start, as you describe what each person is wearing.

I thought the story was okay. I didn't expect the twist of how the boy pronounced the name Wynn as Wunn or One.

The dialogue is well written. I felt sad for Finn and what he had gone through.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A very clever idea (reminds me of "Witness"), but the way you sprung it on us is sorta cheating.

The whole story -- the WHOLE story -- is Finn's mispronunciation of the word "Wynn". So, why does he mispronounce that word? It doesn't make sense. You have to establish some logical reason for that. Why does his mother mispronounce Finn as Funn? People don't talk like that. And when Loren says, "Does he pronounce words the same as you?", the only word we've heard her mispronounce is Funn for Finn. Why on earth would she do that? Why do she and her son have the same speech impediment (or very strange accent)? You say she speaks with a strong British accent, but Brits don't say Funn for Finn nor Wunn for Wynn.

That's my biggest comment about the script. I have a couple smaller ones...

First, Finn's situation. Why is Finn in a mental institution? And why is the mother just arriving? And why does a social worker have to explain the situation to her? And the mother's response is way too subdued, "The poor child." C'mon, don't you think she'd be a little frantic at this point?

Second, the whole scene in the diner is a little confusing to me. Why did Wynn (along with at least one other person) murder a dinerful of people? Most confusing is this: why was Finn under the sink in a diner? In "Witness", Samuel witnesses the murder because he's in a bathroom stall. Makes sense. But why in the world would Finn be under the sink? (Do you know anyone who's ever been under the sink in a diner?) And who was he with in the diner? Was a five-year-old at a diner by himself? Was his father killed in the diner massacre? Or his grandparents? Or the babysitter? Wouldn't that inject a more tragic element into the story?

A few last small things: the business with the mirrored window and the screaming naked teen seems a little unnecessary to me. Actually, worse than unnecessary, because it gets your story off track. It burns up almost a whole page of a 5-page script. You could have used that page to better advantage. Also, some of your descriptions are unnecessarily long and detailed. Here are some examples: Loren -- you could have just said, "LOREN WILLIAMS (20s), dressed for business, holding a clipboard." We don't need to know that she's "slender, small build". Who cares? Another example: Claire -- we don't need to know that she's cute, fair-skinned, has auburn hair, and is casually dressed. None of those things are imortant to the story. Likewise, we don't need to know that Wynn's badge hangs from a black steel necklace. And what does it even mean when the orderly gives Loren "a snide expression"? Too much unnecessary detail -- focus on the story.

Anyway, it's a clever idea, and (despite all these comments) I did enjoy reading it.

My score: GOOD.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hello. Makes me wonder if this actually happened back in the day. I found the entire Wynn word play interesting. Evil Win, Detective Wynn, One, there's a Finn and Funn, then Wunn. That is confusing for sure.

Loren and Wynn introduce themselves. Loren explains the
situation to her as they get to Finn’s room.

This is the only line I have a problem with. The entire script works for me except for this action sequence. I'm not even sure what to suggest other than consider how this would look on a visual perspective. Maybe it's just me - I see Loren and Wynn intro themselves - Loren explains the situation. As the audience, I'm not sure what I'm looking at. Generally dialogue is that, dialogue - describing dialogue in the action sequence without actually hearing it? I'm not sure how much is appropriate, but it distracted me from the flow of your script.

I enjoyed the read. The characters were unique and the premise was very intriguing - talk about a close brush with the devil. So there were actually two people involved in the diner massacre? Very thoughtful and creative scriptwriter!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This could have been a lot more fun, but as written I thought it was dull.

For starters, I'm not a big fan of establishing shots, physical character descriptions & what the characters are wearing. Page one does little to grab my attention or connect me with any of the characters. It gets boring by page three (cute, auburn hair, fair skin, casually dressed... yawn)

Also the OTN dialog tells the story of what happened rather than letting us discover it.

I suggest rethinking the plot & telling the story in a more dynamic, visual way. Lose all the stuff with the orderlies etc, and either start with the massacre so I immediately identify with the kid. Then jump to the mental hospital and the woman trying to coax it out of the boy.

Lose the business with the orderly & the other patient has nothing to do with the story.

I also think there's a big hole in the plot - Wynn knows the boy is a witness and would have gotten to him by now?

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I have to be honest - I'm not a big fan of this. That said, there are elements that are very good. The opening of the story and your setting give a creepy atmosphere to the whole short. On top of that, some of your imagery is very dark and well placed (kid with the burns). But the language you use and your dialogue make for a bit of a confusing tale. Besides that, the story itself seems a little weak. It strikes me as the end of a much larger story, rather than a self-contained piece. As far as the ending goes, that threw me. The "evil cop" idea is one that I like, but here it seems tacked on rather than built up. Again, I'm sure if the story was longer, you would have had time to build a story around the tragedy, the cop, and the child that connected them all in a meaningful way. As it stands right now, I just don't feel like that happened. Before you begin to freak, I'll tell you that I've given you a GOOD despite my personal problems with the story. Overall, it is well written, formatted, and there are pieces that I really like. Good luck, hope to see a re-write of this!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I like what you were trying for, but there really was zero suspense and the overall of it suffers.

As I see it, you spend so much time describing clothing and a trip down a hall that you don't have room to properly describe what happened. On the first page alone, you describe 3 people, but only one of them speaks and we know nothing at all about the story by the end of the page. You could easily cut that entire page down by 2/3 and get to the meat of the story.

I think the problem is that you are describing, in detail, every scene as you see it in your head... but your not taking the time to go back and pare it all down to its essence. This serves to both tighten the work up and provide you with more room to write more story. For instance, you could cut entirely the teenaged boy scene on page two, as it seemingly has nothing to do with the story except set the mood. But you could do that in one or two good sentences.

If this were a longer work... say 15 pages or a full feature, then you'd have time to add touches like the one referenced above, but you'd STILL need to keep it tight.

Were I you, I'd have the establishing shot of the hospital, then cut directly to Loren, Wynn and the Orderly (give him a name) walking towards the Finn's location and talking about what happened. None of the other stuff on the first two pages actually advances the plot except that. And if you look at the rest, you'll see how much can be taken out, leaving room for more important stuff to happen.

Ultimately, like I said, the Loren character instantly discovers who the culprit is and, so, there is no tension, no drama, no real effect.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

Overdecriptive when it is not really needed. Vague when you are looking for direction. Har to realize someone is huge when they merely sit on a chair and behind a counter. Winns boots are irrelevant to the story and the flashback would have worked better after the kid calls winns name

Comments Made After the Contest

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 11:38 AM

I don't understand all the comments regarding the way I describe characters in my scripts. I think it is very important so the viewer knows how the character will look. Why am I going to leave it up to the director? They might portray them as totally not what I wanted. And I agree the title was weak, but to explain, that the tragic loss was the people shot at the diner, and Evil Win, was obviously the evil Detective Wynn, which most people probably got.

Not sure if I'm allowed to explain my errors. Not getting defensive, but I really thought this was good. I think I could make an awesome re-write, but I'm not sure what the point is. Does it get reviewed? Still not sure if certain reviews were biased due to most people knowing my script, as I put it out there that it was entitled, "1". Lord knows I've thrown myself out there way too many times. Next contest, no way anybody knows I wrote it. I am appreciative for the criticism for the most part. Since my first script, my reviews get better and better.

Martin Jensen (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:51 PM

With the description, it's really more a casting issue. Being too prescriptive about how your characters look limits how many actors can be cast to play them.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 1:33 PM

I agree with what Martin said and I didn't take that into consideration before joining MP.

I totally know where you are coming from Jeff. I've gotten harsh reviews on all of my MP submissions which I thought were better than what they got credit for, but don't get discouraged. Everyone has different opinions.

I did give you a very good on this.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 2:59 PM

Thanks for the feedback. And I take back what I said about being picked on. I don't really think that, I guess I just don't agree with all the reviews, but I guess that's life.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 3:43 PM

Jeff,

First off, if you were happy with what you wrote, CONTINUE to be happy with it. Writing a complete story is hard. You did what most people cannot do... or are too afraid to do. Throw yourself out there every chance you get.

As for detailed descriptions, it really doesn't matter (in the end) if you describe your characters at length, because a Director is absolutely going to chime in and likely change something (or maybe everything) about them. As a writer, you have little or no say what happens once you get paid (unless you direct it yourself). From what I've heard, this is the single hardest thing for a writer to come to terms with - loss of control. It's your baby... but once it's sold, consider it adopted and you have no parental rights to it any longer.

Lastly, even when the criticisms hurt, remember that almost all criticism helps you become a better writer. Look for the trends. If most people didn't "get" what you were going for, then you probably need to figure out why. All of the people here want you to succeed and become a better writer... that's why they take the time to critique.

Keep writing, dude.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 3:48 PM

I am curious, though, why you think everyone knew this was your script? I didn't. I make a point to never search online to find other peoples scripts. I like the surprise later on.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 4:51 PM

Descriptions of characters is something that I point out in anyone's script. When I read a script I usually don't want to see the same pretty blonde hair blue eyes or handsome guy if it doesn't serve the story. Just today I listened to a podcast concerning character descriptions. Clothes shouldn't be described in detail professionally dressed might work.

She’s cute, 20’s,
slender, small build, in a suit coat and skirt.

In the film she could be wearing a pantsuit so what she is wearing is not that important but it is the who and the how.
It tells us that she's a professional but it doesn't give us an idea of who she is. If you can wow with the character descriptions then you are getting better.

For instance is there something in her eyes, does she have a scar? does she have a squeaky voice? does she have a bossy or timid demeanor? all of these are visual. If you can put it together in a poetic way, you can wow the reader. I suggest you read some feature spec scripts Nolan brother scripts are good. Dark Knight, The Fountain or if you can find Children of Men.

As for the title, my advice would be to look at other writers and figure out why they gave something a specific title. If it's a heist film don't just name it heist. Give it a title that gives us a sense of intrigue. So that we keep reading trying to find out what will happen in the end.

Ok, I hope that was helpful. I really want to help.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2010 6:55 PM

Thanks for the feedback. Tim, I thought everyone knew it was my script because I had posted that I was going to resubmit my entry for the "Numbers" contest in which I got disqualified, and I posted the title, "1" when I asked if I could resubmit it, so I figured they would figure it out with the "one" and "Wunn" reference. I have personalized some reviews, but it's only because I'm REALLY not used to communicating this way, and it seems when I do, I put my foot in my mouth, and I think I set myself up. But I am definitely learning from all of this. Like I said, with each entry, my reviews get better and better in regards to the % of poors, fairs, goods and very goods. No excellents yet, but I'm working on it.