Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Very intense and great twist at the end. My thoughts while reading were "Why not start just a few minutes earlier and let us see the knife going in and falling through the table." Get our hearts beating right at the jump and fade to black, then he comes to. Also, had a hard time believing that he wasn't paralyzed with a knife right in the spinal cord so maybe just in the back? Loved the graphic pain of REinserting the knife. I'm not really into gore but this is good. You also inserted humor. "How does one look dead?" Great read! Excellent!

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

This is the most creative thing I've ever read in my whole life. No exagirations. My eyes was glued to the screen the whole time. I wanted to know more. This has to be Matias' or his lost twin brother's. However, because we are here to give feed-back, and because there is not such thing as a perfect script, here is few things you could use to make this masterpiece even better.
1- Guy talking in his cellphone: I couldn't know if he's talking to himself or into his cell in some lines. Make it clearer.
2- Tone swerve: Every thing were dark untill you wrote (tangue in or out?), it turned into comedy. Swerves like this hurts your script. Better water 'em down a bit.
3- Comments never make the script better. Never ever. They look good, sound good, but thier not good. Like this one: "What an actor?" get rid of them.
4-The plot hole: Police always check the pulse of victims. It's a very common routine. They my find a headless body, still they check the pulse. Try to find a way to plug this tiny winy hole.
5- Don't ever post such great scripts to moviepeot. THIS IS NOT FAIR! Sniff...sniff.
Grats for the first place.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. No formatting problems. My big issue here is that the script is a little bit confusing, largely due to the twist. If Guy didn't try to kill him (which is what I gather from the ending) when who did? His wife? If so, that wasn't clear. Once it was revealed what was going on, the whole situation became a lot less believeable. I have never heard or seen a police investigation that consisted of 1 cop searching a room with a corpse still laying on the floor. It doesn't work like that. First thing a cop would do is check the person's pulse and get them help if they were still alive. The second thing they'd do, if the person was dead, was get a coroner in there to take him away. Then they'd search for clues, but it wouldn't be just 1 officer, it'd be a whole team. Those were the logic gaps I noted. Then there's the twist ending, which apparently means the wife did it, but that's confusing in it's own right. Why'd she do it? For the money? Why didn't she take the money then? Why/how was the room completely ransacked? Are we to believe the wife tossed him around, smashed the table and busted the whole place up? I don't know... This story had a lot of potential, but I felt like there were major hole sin the plot that need to be addressed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I love this title! Faulkneresque. It's amazing how a title can really whet your appetite.

Good opening. It's written rather like a novel in places, tho I'm quite absorbed in it anyway, but you need to be careful. In fact, very careful. Phrases like 'what an actor' begin to annoy.

I'm a bit dubious about the idea that he could remove the knife and suddenly his legs would work. Even MORE dubious that he could reinsert it.

"Fell on do not...one" - I don't understand this.

Let's = lets menu's = menus - NO APOSTROPHE

Great twist at the end.

While there were clever parts of this and it kept me interested, I felt the way it was written let the good story down. It seemed to be a list of violent acts. The best bits were the OTHER bits. That's more easily fixed than not having a good story.

I still like the title!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Took a little bit to figure out what was going on. I like the little twist, but it's completely unbelievable which ruins it for me. Unless this guy was some kind of vampire he would be dead.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

That is the most brilliant and surprising twist I have read in a long, long time. Seriously, it was amazing.

I have a small problem with his legs not working and then the knife coming out and his legs working again, but I can overlook it because of the brilliance of that ending.

This will make a phenomenal short film. Your craft is great and this was excellent.

Lastly, perfect title.

Christopher OConnor (Level 3)

Okay, before the last half of the last page, I was ready to hate this piece, but that last bit saved and redeemed this entire script. I did not see that coming at all. But I do have to fault you because there is no way anyone with a knife in their back is going to be moving at ALL, not a chance. And even the idea of reinserting the knife, even to save their own life, would never cross someone's mind. But other than that, good work. I do feel you are trying TOO hard to be like Quentin Tarantino with the excessive gore.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I thought the story was very good, and it hooked me right from the beginning through end, but good grief... There was WAY too much description on the page. More like a novel than a screenplay.

Your story has a lot of potential here, and you have a killer title (no pun intended). Also, the twist at the end was great. Never saw it coming! Fine job there.

Overall, I thought this was a good job, but a bit too much description on the page.

David Birch (Level 5)

too much direction...i felt like you were micro-managing every movement of the scene at the expense of delivering a story...much of the direction (and there is much direction) can be tightened as well.."with two fingers guy feels for a pulse,"...just say "Guy checks Ryan's pulse."...simple...to the point is always better...and the "asides" should only be added as a last resort..."tongue in or out"...besides being subtext it smacks of self-awareness...tends to be annoying to any studio reader (which is where you eventually want your screenplay to land)...try putting your direction on a "diet" and you'll find your scripts being taken much more seriously...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The title looks off without each word having a capital letter. Is it supposed to be a sentence, (no period) a clever way to say a person is lying (miss-truth) and dying, while he's dying? I guess I should read the script now. Punctuation in a title (comma) always throws me with the entendres perceived.

Bravo on the twist, so he killed the cops thinking that his wife was in danger, when she was trying to kill him to keep the money. It wasn't really set up, and kinda came out of nowhere, but did seem to tie is all together. Seems a little implausible that a person would be able to do so much with that kind of knife wound, but I guess extreme situations happen.

The writing at times tells us things that can't be seen on the screen. Limit descriptions to what the audience sees on the screen, what actions the actor does, and what he says will show us what a character is thinking.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Only write what can be filmed. The following sentences are "thought process". Either SHOW the decision being made or leave them out. "Tongue in or out? To which side did he head lie? Eyes open or closed?"

"INSERT: Ryan and MEG..." Only capitalize a character's name when they appear in the SP as a character. This is just a picture of her so it does not need to be capitalized.

Nice story. Two points. I have a hard time believing the couple would keep $5 million in cash. Also, I think the story might be too big for the five pages.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked this very very much. All those tension building up. Very good visual, especially when Ryan was trying to plunge the knife back into his wound! I was guessing the entire time how you're going to end it, and I didn't expect the ending at all.

One minor thing, make sure you proofread your work. And although you got some non-visual asides and sometimes read like a novel, I liked the style. It works here.

EXCELLENT!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I really liked the twist at the end. I did not see that coming at all. Your descriptions were nicely done, and moved rather quickly. The brief dialogue you had was also believable. The only thing I can think of to comment on is that maybe you tell more than show on some occasions. Other than that, it was a very good read.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I definitely had no idea what was going to happen in this one. This scene was developed well, good description and exciting story. I am not sure that this would be the way the police would be handling the crime scene, though. That is what is keeping my rating as very good instead of excellent. Maybe the story can be developed where this same situation happens but within a more believable crime scene.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The ending was a complete surprise to me!

The one thing that stands out to me as something that should be changed is where you say the knife is in his spinal cord. No. If it were, he'd be paralyzed. You could say it appears to be very close to or something like that.

Great descriptions of all the action.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Okay... I'm just going to throw this out there just to do it. This read like a book more than a screenplay, but what can I say. Most of the story was action, and there would have been no other way to do it.

But to be realistic, this is the best damn script I've read on here. I really didn't want to put the first comment but it was my initial thought. Sorry.

This will definitely be an excellent, and I can't wait to favorite it. I was waiting for the twist. I thought of every possibility of what could be going on, but I was utterly amazed when it was thrown in my face. Then all I could think was "duh"

Great build up to the shocking ending. This will definitely place.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This was really good. Captured my attention from start to finish; made me needing to finish. Great twist at the end, with Ryan inadvertently murdering the Feds. Not sure if his wife really did try to kill him for the money, but I like how it keeps the reader guessing. Great job!

Joel Davis (Level 5)

SUMMARY: A man dying from a knife wound kills two intruders, in what he believes is self-defense and under the impression that he is protecting his family. But ultimately, he realizes that the attackers were detectives, and his wife was the one who stabbed him.

This is a clever set-up, but the dialogue in the beginning feels deliberately misleading, to the point of feeling contrived. There's a lot of stretches of credibility in the beginning, it was hard to go back and suspend disbelief.

Mostly, though, I felt the characters were lacking development. I'd like to have a hint of why she stabbed him, who they were.

Also, I didn't get the title.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script feels like a scene in a bigger picture. I like the ambiguity at the beginning and how you exploited that at the end. However, the action was far-fetched and the ending didn't really make a big splash because we do not get to know what actually happens next, although I admit that I did not expect it to end that way. The reveal was Good.

The scene plays out the wife wanting to kill him for the money, I guess. The baddies are actually cops that are looking for whatever evidence they need, which happens to be money in a shoe box. And 5 million it cannot be. Ryan wakes up and believes himself to be under attack by a Guy (Agent Jones). What I don't understand is why he doesn't remember who hurt him? Makes it seems as if the wife is innocent, but then nothing is really explained at the end anyways.

Nice visuals, but you need to tighten your wording and lessen the long blocks of action. Some of the details you include in your descriptions can be done without. Streamline the action to make it more poignant. Cheers on a Good entry.

Kenneth Goorabian (Level 2)

Clap, clap, clap, clap. Nothing like a bit of murderous greed to get the blood pumping. Nicely done. Well written, flow is good, and descriptions put me right in the thick of things.

Punctuation and sentance structure could be patched up a little. May I suggest (I do this often. Do not take offense.) "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. Tiny book every writer should own. I refer to it all the time.

Ryan is one tough character. Got a chill myself when he attempted tp stick the knife back in.

Great ending. Completely took me by surprise.

I liked it alot.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Hmm... This isn't a story for me, it plays out like a scene that I've seen alot of. Also, I really didn't like the body movements. It felt like over description. Some of the description seemed like you were trying to squeeze it into the script. I just didn't feel like I was there. In the beginning I loved it but the end doesn't feel like an end. The middle just. The action really doesn't feel fluid, it feels like a five page fight scene where we don't really get any time to know these people. I don't get any real conversation. It is still good but I feel as if all this action wasn't needed.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is really unexpected ending. Great ending. You get Very Good from me.

I wish the writing was leaner though - I thought there were moments, sentences, words on which you could cut. When Gerald talks on the phone you have both V.O. and (voice on the phone) - one of which is redundant I think - V.O. tells it all.

p2 - "let's go of the shard" - it's "lets go of the shard"

Very clever script! Thanks for the read.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good visual description. Particularly like the slow unfolding of Ryan's account while lying face down inside the house with the knife in his back. The shards of mirror are an interesting detail. Limited dialogue allows the focus to stay on Ryan and his predicament. Good surprise twist at the end with the mislead.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I prefer titles to be properly capitalized: "Dying, He Lies".

Wait a second. Ryan seems to be perfectly fine from the waist up. This wouldn't be the case if he really had a "big knife" stuck in his back: his ability to move would still be compromised by all the internal hemorrhaging, since I'd have to assume a kidney or intestine got nicked. At the very least, make his motions seem torturous, like it's all he can do just to lift a finger. The guy's dying, right? It seems like he just moves around easily, willy-nilly, grabbing a mirror shard, moving his head all around, etc. Slow him down, make the reader feel each painful movement.

Several easily fixable punctuation-type problems.

NO! NO! NO! If his spinal cord was pierced or even touched, there's NO WAY he could move his legs again so soon, much less carry on a full-out brawl with Martin. Research your medical stuff before you hinge your story on it! You're never supposed to pull out a knife wound until you get to the emergency room and let a professional do it. Okay, maybe Ryan didn't know that. But he certainly would've found out that you can't put a knife back in! I'm not talking about pain: the wound doesn't retain its perfect knife shape. It's not a peg in a wooden hole. Impossible.

Why does Martin have his gun drawn at the door? And why does he knock? Neither of those things make sense given the surprise ending. There's no need for a gun: the crime scene's already been secured. There's no need for a knock: the door's been unlocked for a while as agents come and go.

Your action writing is phenomenal, it really is. And the ending is brilliantly set up. But I'm thoroughly dispirited by your disregard for medical reality. The script dropped from an Excellent to a Good in my book. You may well place with this script because of the wonderful writing, but you need to fix it immediately.

Luke Sharratt (Level 2)

Brilliant! Loved the way you built up tension through your descriptions. I could really visualise the action happening on screen, beat for beat. Especially the part where the 'Guy' checks for Ryans pulse- very tense. The twist at the end was the icing on the cake- I didn't see it coming at all. Very clever. Love the title too!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't care about any mistakes you might have made. WOW!

Excellent work!!!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm guessing this is written by a first time screenwriter. I think it's a good first effort but there are some issues.

The most important is the fact that you tell us way too much. Screenwritng is 100% visual. You can't tell us anything we can't see on screen. You also tell us what people are thinking and feeling. If we were watching your story on film, how would we know what they were thinking???? You need to show, not tell.

And you ask questions in your narrative like "was he lying like that before?". Again, if we're watching this on screen, how would we know that's what he was asking himself? so describe his facial expression or his actions. Maybe he does a double take.

Then there are some technical things like a knife in his spinal cord. He'd be paralyzed or dead. And I don't think it's humanly possible to put the knife back in after he took it out, or even to attempt it. So watch those types of things. It has to be believable.

And how do you relax your complexion? did you mean expression?

As for the story itself, you had some pretty good tension in there. I didn't really understand it though. It lacked focus. Sometimes a good story can get buried in too many words. so choose your words wisely.

Just keep at it. One of the best things you can do to learn the craft is read and review a lot of screenplays. You'll learn a bunch of lessons from this contest, then a bunch more from the next. . .you'll get there. Just keep writing!!! :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Great brutal action. I felt every moment of pain.

It took me a while to get what happened at the end. Why would Ryan not remember being stabbed by his wife? This threw me off. I had to look over it several times, and the way the agents were talking at the beginning was a bit of a stretch, another reason why I didn't get it at first. I may just be slow.

I like the strange reveal of the lottery money. It's a good transferable motive that can apply to the men at the beginning and his wife.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the premise, but the story isn't believable at all. The guy is paralyzed with a knife in his spine and then just pulls it out and is able to fight off two cops, after trying to put the knife back in the wound? Also, wouldn't cops first check to see if a body lying on the floor was alive or dead?

Technically I think you'll get some more meaningful critiques from the senior writers here, but it seemed to be more of a flowing narration than a script.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is a good premise with great tension but unfortunately has some gaping plotholes.

Why agents not police? Would the dead body really be left and the crime scene contaminated while they look for money? Why are they looking for the money? A knife in the spinal cord would probably paralyse him for life. Five million bucks in a shoebox? Why not the bank?

A shame because this could be a fantstic and extremely tense low budget short. I'd certainly recommend tweaking it and ironing out some of those holes.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like the twist-ending, as it causes us to go back and re-examine Guy's (Agent Jones'), otherwise exposition-heavy, cellphone conversation. I like that all the characters then have role-reversals: bad guys became good guys and vice-versa.

However, that twist-ending also causes the previous four-and-a-half pages to push my limits of credulity:

-The police and paramedics aren't going to verify that Ryan is dead or not? They're just gonna let him lie there with a knife sticking out of this back?
-Wouldn't Guy and Martin be wearing badges on their belts or hanging around their necks? Holstered firearms? Police radios? Cop haircuts? Some evidence that they are cops, not criminals.
-Guy is the only cop inside the crime scene? That place would be crawling with uniformed cops, detectives, crime scene investigators, etc.
-Guy is on the cellphone with someone who is only feet away outside?
-Guy is gonna use the "murder" victim's toilet? He can't hold it for a little while longer?

These questions and concerns prevented me from giving this the highest score.

The lottery ticket is a good visual way of exposing plot information, but it gave the story a hokey, comedic feel. Maybe another, but also visual way, of Ryan gaining this fortune can be included?

Your screenwriting is very good; there's a few instances of "unfilmables," but nothing too serious. Format overall appears in order. Only a few typos detected.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There are a number of implausible things in this, but for me it doesn't matter much because you've got great tension scenes, strong action, and a good story.

The bit where he reinserts the knife is mind bogglingly unlikely, however that very fact probably makes it stand out memorable.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was pretty interesting. I liked the twist and I had to re-read to fully get it. It was a well written twist, so good job on that. I would keep the narraration, such as the internal thoughts, out of the descriptions. Like tongue in or out. A VO maybe interesting to use in that situation. Overall very good story here.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Wow great twist.

Some questions..Why did they want to retrieve the money? Wouldn't they check him for a pulse RIGHT away? I know you wanted to leave the twist and the suspense until the end, but in reality, I think they would've checked him right away.

Robbie

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I read this a couple of times. Comments as I read.

When you write action, don't write things like 'his head hurts' how do we know that? That's what he's feeling, not what we see.

Also when he discovers the knife in his back, and then hears voices and decides to play dead, how do we know he's trying to get into a good 'play dead' position? You're telling more than showing. How do you 'relax your complexion'?

I'm feeling that this is a little far fetched. Someone with a knife in his back to the spinal cord would I think be pretty out of it, if not already dead. Then he pulls the knife out, with minimal blood? I'm not a doctor, but I think that would be a pretty bad move. And now he can move his legs? Hmmm.

The story only seems to go downhill the further I read. I just don't believe what I'm reading, literally. There's no way that this guy could accomplish everything with such a severe injury.

I was completely lost at the last page.

Maybe consider a rewrite with your action scenes being a little more clear, and also making your characters believable.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great ending to a really good story. I didn't see the ending coming at all. Nice job with that.

The story was pretty good, too, except a couple things bothered me. First, I don't get what happened to Guy. Did Ryan stab him with the big knife? Apparently, he did, but why didn't we see that? One moment, Guy is taking Ryan's pulse, the next moment he's got a knife in his skull. And, why is he saying, "Fell on do not...one"? I mean, I guess he's babbling because he has a knife in his brain, but the written words are confusing. Do they mean something? If so, it needs to be clearer. If not, why not just have him make gurgling noises or something?

Second, the room is a shambles, so apparently there was some kind of a confrontation between Ryan and his would-be killer, who turns out (apparently) to be his wife. Wouldn't he know who stabbed him?

Third, he was in pretty rough shape in the beginning, he has a big knife "straight in his spinal cord", his legs won't budge, he has a tough time pushing himself up just to look around, etc. But, by the time he's tussling with Martin, he's pretty spry, slashing his wrists, bashing him with a table leg.

Lastly, it seems odd that with a street full of police cars, the cops would enter one at a time, close the door behind them, and communicate by cell phone with their buddies out on the street.

I know all these things can be explained away. (He didn't remember who killed him because he hit his head and had amnesia. The knife wound to his back wasn't as serious as it looked. The cops were there by themselves because they had already scoped out the scene, and didn't think there was a threat. Whatever.) But, it would be better if you closed those plot holes rather than leaving it to us to explain them away.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed it. Great ending.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I really liked the writing style of this. Very dramatic and visual. I do like asides in scripts but I felt you might have too many in here.

I was liking this up until the end. It came unstuck for me when we find out that they are police and it's the wife that's done this to him. It doesn't really tally with the earlier conversation on the phone. Then I looked back at the start and the whole knife right in his spinal cord would surely mean he couldn't move? I'm no doctor but I'm guessing it would be a bit of a miracle if he could walk about and stuff after having such an injury.

So overall, I like your writing style. You definately know how to write screenplays but I thought the plot had one too many holes in it. Also, there was a bit too much of the writer in the script, if you know what I mean? Too many asides and exclamation marks and the like.

PS, I totally didn't understand what "Fell on do not...one..." meant?

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hello! Whooah! That was a wild ride. Nice twist at the end. The tension build was great. I could relate with Ryan by his pov of being the victim - my fav part was his first attempt to play dead, made me laugh even though it's a serious situation. I'm wondering though, how do the police know she was trying to kill Ryan? Or did they set the couple up? They must have intervened just after she stabbed him, but couldn't run with the money. I'm leaning more toward dirty cops. I only ask because it's obvious somebody was successful, not entirely sure who though. There wasn't any description of Guy other than his name, talking into a cell phone, rummaging around - I just assumed a wise guy - maybe describe his garb, age? Enjoyed the tension, I think this would make a great short!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Opening with mirror shards & blood, pulled me right in. This had all the makings of a compelling tale of betrayal & intrigue... except it didn't work for me.

For starters, it reads like a novel, loaded with passive verbs (is, are) and adverbs. It was also jam-packed with editorial: "His head hurts, his visition blurry." and "What an actor." and "He has a hard time moving into a believable position." and "The tension is killing him" and on & on. The dense exposition slowed down the story and lessened the suspense.

The phone is used a crutch to explain what's going on in the dialog. For example, the lottery check could be shown sooner, then Guy finds the money & we immediately know what's happening without all the talking on the cell phone.

I may have got a little confused; I assume the bad guys were the cops, intending to pin the murder on the wife? In which case Guy needs to be in uniform to drive home the twist, maybe it initially seems like he's a good guy...

I also suggest killing the wife; they still pin the murder on her by making it look like she died in the struggle. Although I'm not sure the lawyers would buy this since the money would be missing. Might be a plot hole here.

This had a lot of potential & I'd like to see a rewrite.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a pretty cool take on the genre and a decent story. Interesting that the cops are the ones who are staging the hit. Frankly, I found some of your descriptions to be a little off. For example: "His head hurts, vision blurry" No need to describe say that his head hurts, we'll all assume that if he's all cut up. Also, you write in a passive tone for a lot of the script. I'm sure you've heard this before now, but an active tense will keep your reader engaged. For example "... at Guy, who's searching through the mess, totally ignoring Ryan" - "... as Guy searches through the mess, ignores Ryan"

Finally, I felt that some of your action sequences were very unrealistic. Ryan, who's had a knife lodged in his spinal cord, is able to pull it out, attempt put it back in, get up and best two trained cops. I know that strict realism is not what you were going for, but still, it seemed a little far fetched. Regardless, this was entertaining and different from many of the other scripts. Good job!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Excellent. Great twist, nice writing. A few small technical issues, but I'm not going to bother mentioning them (others will do that, surely).

Well done. Looking forward to finding out who wrote this.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2010 12:16 AM

Yes, this script has some tiny flaws, but that twist is beyond awesome. I loved it. Congratulations on the Honorable Mention.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:32 AM

I'm with Chris. Fix those issues that everyone mentioned, and you've got the coolest short I've ever read. Good job on the HM!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:34 AM

The twist was truly awesome. Someone WILL film this. How can they not? Congrats on the HM.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:51 AM

Congrats on the HM. I admit that I really messed up with my review on this one LOL. I didn't get the ending, and so I feel really dumb! Congrats again.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2010 12:57 AM

I can't believe this wasn't first place. It was the SO GOOD!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 5:23 AM

Thanks people for the support! Really enjoyed writing it and, surprisingly, the ending came natural...if you believe that.

Feels like many people tripped over the little 'quips', but I felt it added to the pretty passive situation (from an action point of view).

Absolutely thrileld about the HM, thank you all for the compliments.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 7/6/2010 5:47 PM

.....Paul, I'm still waiting. Make my medical brain happy, dude, because I can't wait to add this one to my favorites list! :)

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 7/6/2010 6:03 PM

Haha thanks Kyle. Funny you should bring this script up, I'm trying to get it filmed right now, so a rewrite is definitely coming soon.

Can't wait to have your name on that list ;)