Comments Made During the Contest

Aatif Zafar (Level 1)

Haha I enjoyed the humour in this, although I saw the Boss appearing whilst Scott and Randy in that position with the coffee stain coming along way.

It got real good when Scott and Bob played along with the situation and pulled a fast one on Randy like he's been accepted in to their office foolery. I thought there could have been more tension when Randy gets raunchy with Scott for a bigger impact on when Scott returns.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Yay, a comedy!

Okay, so, this is good. Cute ending. I like the double twist. Fired ... NOT! You had me fooled.

The dialogue between Randy and Scott sounds a lot like the same person. I found it hard to distinguish between the two characters. Randy's older, yet he sounds like he's in his 20s. That could be on purpose, I suppose.

I love the post-it that says "DON'T EAT AT SCOTT'S." Too funny! I like how you bring back the joke. It's what comedy's about. Nice job.

The last line is confusing to me. Unless I'm missing something, there's no punch to it. In my opinion, in comedies, the last line should always be something funny. It should have the audience laughing. Maybe, bring back a joke from the first couple of pages.

Your formatting's good. There are a couple typos or mistakes in grammar/spelling. The one that stood out most to me was two "with(s)" on the top of page two.

Overall, though, this is good. It was enjoyable to read, but I think it needs something more. There are a lot of jokes. I just think it needs more story.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice dialogue. good characters. The story is about a joke. Randy who usually make fun of others is finally cought off guard. The thing that really didn't allow me to enjoy this short is that you couldn't made me root to your character scott. I didn't feel sorry for him in the first place, so I couldn't enjoy his vengeance.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I'm teetering between two grades here so I'll give you the higher of the two. This was formatted fine, could maybe be tightened up a little bit. A good deal of the dialogue didn't seem very realistic to me, but my main gripe here is that this is a comedy script that I didn't find very funny. The punchline was probably the best part, but a lot of the humor made me groan rather than laugh. Overall, I thought it was a decent effort, but it could be polished a bit more.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title doesn't fill me with desire!

What was in the coffee?

Randy can’t believe it. - neither can I! I knew it was a joke, but in any case, you can't fire someone just like that.

You write amusing believable dialogue (though I felt the homosexual lines didn't work) It was light-hearted, romped along but really, I didn't feel there was much of a story here. Lots of dialogue but no story, no character development. The action was held up by too much dialogue. No subtext to give it anything more than superficiality. I guessed what would happen before Scott left for the review.

Try to weave something MORE that your characters have at stake so we can care what happens to them!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Wow the second screenplay of the gay persuasion in one night, that's a first. All this behavior though seems completely unbelievable to me though. You can't lose your audience by going past the point where they'll no longer suspend disbelief. Then it all ends in another gag. I guess an office that allows that type of behavior wouldn't fire someone for it, but then again they probably all know that to.

I hate when people ask, 'what does it all mean?', but in this case I have to ask, what was the purpose of this script. Was it a moral tale? A joke? what? I didn't get it, so I'm guessing it was supposed to be a comedy, but I didn't laugh. Sorry, comedy is difficult. The first part of the script was filled with jokes in a bad taste followed by a joke of a higher caliber. It seemed disjointed. Now sure otherwise why I just didn't like it?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was fun and I think with really good actors this could be very funny.

However, it feels very skit like. It could almost be a play. I wish there was a bit more depth here or else really go for it and make the humor even broader.

Overall, I liked it, but I think you can mine more out of this.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This story did a good job of taking you on the same ride the characters were on. It fooled me a couple of times, and I thought it was getting serious and then I got my leg pulled. It packed a lot in five pages -- it actually read like a longer story -- but not in a bad way.

I gave this a "Very Good".

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was pretty good, and I liked the tension between Randy and Scott throughout the script. Dialogue was pretty tight and the little reverse joke at the end was fun.

Good Job.

David Birch (Level 5)

you had me 'till the end...loved the dialog...was a bit a scene (as opposed to a story) but the ending seemed a little contrived (maybe due to space)...but your writing has a good wit about it...lots to build on...thanks

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Humorous office pranks, but didn't really feel like a movie; it seemed more like a commercial or just a piece of something else. It was a fun little romp, but didn't really have the tension/suspense/drama/comedy of a script; it felt like I was watching it all take place on some security cam - kinda interesting, but gets old fast.

It did read and move fast and it wasn't difficult to follow along; all made sense and seemed to work together well.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I appreciate the first four pages here. A homophobic with a hard core gay guy has funny written all over it, but only goes so far, and that last page totally lost me. The craft/technical is good, but I do believe this would translate better on screen, than my reading.

Perhaps if it were Scott's first day, and everyone acted gay to really make him uncomfortable enough to do something completely off the hook. It didn't come together as is for me, Sorry.

Favorite line - Girlfriend, let me know when you find that fish. Laugh out loud there.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I had a difficult time determining who the protagonist was in this story. Define that better in the rewrite and eliminate some of the exposition and you have a decent story.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I'm sorry to say that I didn't really enjoy it. I didn't quite get the focus of the story. Seems like random people in the office playing random practical jokes on each other.

The first page starts off pretty good. I can picture what Randy and Scott look like in my mind. The setup of having wet spots on Scott's pants allude to something comedic afterward, which gave us something to anticipate.

Then the second page starts to fall apart with the gay and sex talk. Not that I am offended by gay and sex, but I felt the dialogue and situation not funny. I didn't buy Scott so openly asking his colleague whether he's gay or not. Also, what's with the constant reporting of time? It's not necessary because performance review can happen at any time, not just 8:00. Only show us the time when you have a ticking-clock suspense scene.

The scenes at the last two pages didn't go anywhere either. Susan and Randy talk a bit but didn't push the story forward. Then Scott and Bob came back, but ends up being a joke again. Not sure what you want to accomplish with this story here.

On the positive, I didn't catch any typos or grammar mistake. The writing looks clean.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This read fast and was crisply written. Not sure I know an office like this. Is Randy trying to talk like that or is this supposed to be his real way of speaking? Randy seemed more annoying than funny.

When the elevator opens, it reads like Bob and Sue are bosses, I didn't see her as being Scott and Randy's equal.

"Girlfriend, let me know when
you find that fish." - does this line mean that he is saying she is "unclean"? I do not understand. I also do not understand the line Susan says that she should have trained him.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It was funny.
I think the characters can be fleshed out a bit more. Of course you're out of room as far as length goes, so you'd have to cut some of the small talk in the beginning.

When the time was first mentioned, I really wanted to know if it was AM or PM.

It might be helpful to point out that the pinholes in the cup were man-made.
Then I could get it right away instead of after the fact.

When Scott goes to the "vacant workstation", it might be good for us to hear of a name plate or pictures or something of Susan's. That way when she comes on the scene, we kinda know who she is already. Initially, I thought she was in management or the boss's right hand or something.

I also kept wondering if Randy really was gay. Maybe you could give some clues to that as well.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

um... I don't understand. What happened? A new guy is trained by a gay guy. He puts the moves on him in a playful manner. The new guy talks with the boss and they play a prank on the gay guy. What was the point? The story had no middle or ending. I wasn't sure whether it was a comedy or drama. The vibe just wasn't right.

What person would ask another after only knowing them for 30 days whether or not they are gay? That's a bit unrealistic. And Scott didn't seem like the rude type.

I don't think a 30 year old women would call someone freakazoid.

I didn't understand when Scott said "I saw that movie, too" What movie?

Overall I thought it was kind of bland. I didn't see anything interesting happen. Maybe that is what you were going for, but I just didn't get it.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought this one was weird. Format seems good, so not much to rate there, and I tend not to judge it because I'm still wotrking on mine. The storyline: Seems too basic. I always look for more creativity. Just not my cup of tea. Nice to see Bob didn't get fired, just got a taste of his own medicine; but I think Scott just opened up a can of worms. Not sure what the moral of the story was? I actually have worked with people that would report that with the full intention of getting one fired. But it is just a screenplay. Maybe I'm letting my personal views get in the way? Very curious to see how the other reviews go.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

A series of escalating office pranks appears to end in a dismissal for sexual harassment, but it turns out that's just the latest prank.

This had some funny moments, but felt like it dragged a bit as it was just one long scene. The jokes seemed a little flat and homophobic in places. I think a little bit more time establishing each of the character's individual personality would help set up the confrontation and review scene better. Also needs more "joke density".

However, it was a great setup and the twist of the dismissal played really well.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

There is some good interoffice banter going on here. I work in a big company with plenty of offices and cubicles, so I can attest to this sort of behavior happening. Your characters are colorful and each one different from the others, very much like my workplace. I only feel that Randy’s dialogue was not convincing. Not the actual meaning of his words, but the overall delivery that did not come accross as legitimate.

The set up led to a comical ending and I enjoyed that. I only feel that this script is part of something bigger, like some sort of office comedy or business rom-com, and because of this I feel it is without a real ending. A Very Good comedy entry. If you do decide to expand on this, I would be happy to read it. The characters are fun and their antics equally comical. Cheers to your great writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

For me this script is alot of talking head. Alot of it also has cliches in the dialogue. I think this script is cute but try to focus on what we can see rather than the characters dialogue.
This is definitely good but I saw a missed opportunity for a kind Woody Allen script in the beginning. Just asking someone if they are gay might be funny in small circles but I think I would have liked it to be more creatively said. This definitely sounds like a conversation that I might have with a friend but it is not new or fresh or well setup. remember set up and payoff.

Are you...
Don't say it.
I mean you act so...
I like fashion. That doesn't mean...
.....
This might help but this is only a suggestion.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I see - one location, minimum characters rule! I definitely like it and this reason too!

I think it's visual, it's funny, it's original...and well written.

I want to know who Susan is.
I couldn't understand what some of the lines lead to. Like p5 SUSAN "You should’ve let me train him." and RANDY "What happened to your balls, Bob?" Freakazoids and Doctor Frankenstain talk sounds a bit (a tad) teen age.

Overall nice job. Good luck with it.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Unusual gotcha, like a practical joke. Characters of Scott and Randy are described well. Good visual contrast between the "clean-cut" pro and his "big and buff" coworker. Would like some kind of description for Bob and Susan in addition to their ages.
Description is somewhat limited by the single location. Not much color in the "three-person office area." The coffee mugs are a nice detail, but don't know what Randy's dialogue, "Word, to your big day" means. There's the mention of a toast -- maybe it's a typo.
A lot of dialogue; not sure Randy and Scott's topic of discussion is enough to carry the story though. Hard to believe that the horse-play, escalating to the point that Randy pulls Scott "across the desk" with his legs in the air, is occurring in an office environment.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Randy's lingo sounds way too forced. He uses three odd buzzwords on his first three dialogues: "Word", "chill", "oh snap". Space them out in the script: all three so close to each other sounds too far over the top.

You're so careful with your clock mentions, one minute per page. But suddenly, between pages 2 and 3, we've lost FIVE minutes of time. That felt about as wrong and impossible as the inconceivable "pranks" going on around it. The shock value of some of the action doesn't make up for the lack of story and character arcs.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I am so much the wrong person to review this, but I'll give it a go.

Review first - This is well-written. I didn't find any spelling or punctuation errors. There's good flow and everything works together. The ending isn't really satisfying, but it's still good. The story is interesting.

My personal feelings about the situation - Red Flags and Risk Taking! I'm part owner of a family business and if I found out something like this was going on there'd be a whole lot of firing going on... starting with the supervisor if they knew about it.

You NEVER condone something that could shut your business down and put you in court fighting for your personal property because you didn't do anything about it. Believe me, where I live that's an all too real possibility. Many families could live quite well on what we have to spend on HR and awareness training because the state not only expects us to protect our employees from any kind of harassment (which we should), but also to educate grown people on the proper way to treat each other (which they should damn well know how to do by this stage of their lives)...

Sorry... This is a very sore subject for me. It just seems to me that some people don't have the common sense and/or courtesy that God gave potatoes.

All that said, good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm not sure about this one. It felt more like a skit to me. It was entertaining and well written but not much substance to it. My entry this month had no substance either so I can't fault you for that. But something irked me about it. Maybe it was Randy. He was such a jerk. I know that was the point but I kept thinking, who the hell would keep him on as an employee? Maybe after the joke is revealed if either Bob or Susan mentions how lucky he is that he's great at his job, or has the highest productivity...something to show us why they'd keep this jack ass on the payroll.

Anyway, I was entertained. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The office goofing off was very well observed and funny. The

I'm glad that the set-up gradually became a story. The prank was good at the end.

Overall it was funny, but that's all there was to it.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I liked the beginning quite a bit. The pranks were realistic and set up well, and you could feel the building anxiety before the big review. But it got a little too unbelievable for me after that.

It was put together well, and I suppose the dialog works, but just not my style.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is an ok little sketch.

Doesn't grab my interest too much.

Banter between characters is fairly fun.

The post-it note was the best bit for me.

Good feel for the office workplace, felt kind of inspired by The Office.

Did find that Randy pushing Scott onto the desk could be construed as harassment, certainly would be if anyone did that to me at work.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice little comedic short, but feels like it belongs within a series. I hardly get to know these guys now. That’s a compliment, make a series out of this concept.

It does feel a bit lacking on the stand-alone part. Wish there was more to it. Like the little twist at the end and the commaradic laughter. It’s aaallll good at the end. Gives me a good feeling.
Although I wouldn’t have mind the lawsuit either ;)

It’s a bit clean and not really good at being just itself. I see it more as an opening to a bigger film, or even a short scene within it. By now, it’s just two guys messing around in the office. Wish it had more at stake.

Nice lovely story, good formatting, bit low on the actions, but brought a smile on my face.
To be honest, it is slightly mundane though. Could be used on a serie like The Office, which makes those lonely ‘mundane’ moments hilarious.

Best Moment: Scott coming in with the Boss, telling him about the harassment. Love it.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

With companies like that one, no wonder our economy is in the crapper!

Slice-of-life, character-driven, dialogue-heavy stories are tough. Dialogue is one of the hardest things to write. It's not bad here and there are funny moments, but more visuals or scene locations should be included.

I think you might have tried to add in a real gay message here underneath the comedy, which is a fine, poignant theme to touch upon, but if that's not the case, I didn't detect exactly what the overall theme or moral to the story was.

This read more like a stage-play (which so far a few scripts this month have), with a dialogue-driven story containing a few characters set in one location. I'm not quite sure how effective of a short-film this would make, though.

Your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is an amusing chaotic feel to this that gives it energy. It is also good that you've got one location and a limited cast, so in general this is quite filmable.

I think you might have trouble getting these gags to work because the subjects would have you working a fine line between comedy and offensiveness.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was alright. Not much happened sttory wise or plot wise, and that hurt it a little. I liked your dialogue at times, and you have a unique style, but I'd be careful with what characters you give it too. Sometimes they sounded to similar to one another, specifically Susan and Randy. I'd just watch out for that, it may distact an audience.

Robert Decker (Level 2)

It was difficult to get my head around the plot, was not too sure of what was exactly going on. It obviously took place in an office setting and had something to do with a performance review, but that's all I really got out of it. Character development was not really recognizable and the only thing I really noticed was consistent bickering among the characters.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Nice script. You've got a fun situation here and your characters bring it to life. I think this would make a really good short film.

The dialogue is fast paced and snappy. Good characters.

The only thing I might consider changing is your title. I think you could think of something that would really sell this piece.

Good work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Some very funny moments, but overall (to me) it was a little bit of a jumble.

I think a lot of the "jumbledness" had to do with the dialogue. For example, for most of Page 1, I didn't understand what in the world they were talking about. "Word, to your big day." What does THAT mean? "Chill," "Oh snap". I finally felt like I understood something when Scott says, "You're lucky I don't have time to kill you." Oh, it's a series of practical jokes. Then, just as I felt like I was finally in step with the story, the dialogue got confusing again. On Page 2, Scott says, "I saw that movie, too." What movie? And the next exchange: Randy: "You don't say?" Scott: "I'm not saying!" Huh? Not saying what?

From there, the script basically becomes an excerpt from a sitcom with a lot of office zaniness. And finally Scott gets his revenge. The End.

However, mixed in with all that are some genuinely funny moments, so it was a fun read. But what was the actual story. Guy gets punked -- punks the other guy back. Kind of a thin plot.

A fun read, though.

My Score: GOOD.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hey there. This script was very interesting - playful. Office humour via sexual innuendos, which can result either with reciprocating the joke in a weird flirty way, or be offended, uncomfortable - lead to the awkwardness of having bad consequences - I like how you had the result of each scenario, then untimely, it was all just a set-up, perhaps an overall lesson/warning to Randy. I had only one area of confusion re visual - the part where Randy pulls Scott across the desk - this is bizarre to write, but I need more details lol. I'm not exactly sure what position they are in - I'm assuming Randy has Scott in a position that demonstrates sex on a table? I'm not sure there. Scott is pulled across the desk, period. Then start a new sentence where Randy effortlessly places Scott in the gay position of face to face lovin opposed to - pulled across the desk, face up, legs held high. I feel like a perv now lol. I enjoyed the humour of this script, and enjoyed the banter between the characters - fun to read!!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Not a bad little comedy. Nice and light, a few good laughs. I really like some of your wording (Ex. "Bullpen"). I'm not a huge fan of your dialogue. Some of it feels really unnatural. For example "Word, to your big day", "Oh snap, I think you should ask for a raise", "Ready for your 30 day performance review, Scott?" These few examples are very laboured when context is considered. Also, you shouldn't enter "30", but write "thirty" instead. Overall, a good job.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Sort of funny. Not sure I get the point. Seems like part of a larger script, but without the context of the rest of it, there just isn't much for me to latch on to here.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

Complete, funny, diverse, refreshing. Any script that can keep me reading without a single yawn is worth reading twice. Excellent work. I like the sarcasm, surprise fact and innovativeness of the whole piece. This short would make a great openning scene for a romantic commedy.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This script just sat there for me. I didn't care for the joke and thought it would have played better if the ending was not a joke, but instead, a firing of Randy.

I'm not one for sexual harassment jokes, not that I'm prudish, but I feel they are difficult to pull off in a short script -- what if the firing were real and as Randy stood there dumbfounded, Bob state, "Now, let's talk about that raise..." and then Scott winked at Randy, both he and Bob turning around and Scott squeezing his ass as the walk to Bob's office?

What makes the initial joke funnier is the irony of the second joke. As it is, it sits there and the joke is played again, this time on Randy. Having Bob and Scott as literal, willful participants, the title even becomes funnier and rife with double meaning.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 1:27 AM

Reminded me of my workplace when I read it. Great Job. I really think there is potential for a great feature here. You wrote a very entertaining piece.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 8:16 PM

Thanks for the reviews everyone. I wrote this in one day, and thought you might like to know it's based on a true story & real people. The event took place in the mid-80's when I worked at an ad agency.