Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

If the Floor Assistant talks to him from the door, there should be some dialogue there so we know what he's saying. Avoid using the word 'we' in descriptions. You are writing only what the audience will see and hear so for you to say "We see..." is redundant. We know we'll see it because we're reading a screenplay. I noticed at least one missed punctuation and another missing word. The story itself was told very visually, which made it easy to picture. I was confused by the ending though. Leonardo gave him a piece of paper that said 301. Years later, when he pulled it out, the paper just said 0. Then he performed his trick and disappeared, replaced by Leonardo. I didn't get it at all. I also don't see how his relationship with his wife factored in to the story since she never really became an important part of it. It seems to me that her character could be written out without losing a thing. Anyways, nice writing but the story needs some clarification in my opinion since I really have no idea what was supposed to have occured here.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It is black and white - the studio is black and white? This is how it reads. If you mean the FILM is in B&W then you should say in your scene heading.

You don't need CUT TO - this goes without saying. In fact a lot of what you write is for a shooting script, not for a spec script, where we only need the story NOT camera directions etc. This is for the DIRECTOR and the DoP to decide.DOMINIC’S POV:SLOW MO:FADE OUT.FADE IN:Now in color, we descend (PLEASE don't use 'we')SMASH CUT:The camera follows and we next see them - none of these should be there.

broken tenacity? ignorant resolve? What do these phrases mean?

I very much liked the use of the tunnel to denote the passage of time - brilliant!

While the story was intriguing and the setting was imaginative, I keep reading it and STILL don't understand the 301 and why it became 0

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Is 301 the lesser version of 401?

Are you telling the director to film in b&w? That doesn't make them happy.
Cut To is a direction, remove them. We know we've changed scenes by the scene heading.
Holy crap this is packed with direction. Unless you intend to direct this yourself get rid of them.
Good even with no dialog. I like the countdown, but what was it really counting? Couldn't be weeks, or acts, what? Hmmm

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is very good, the images are fantastic, and I love a silent film.

However, I've read this twice and I just don't quite get it. What does 301 signify? What does O signify (it's not a zero)? Why do we see his relationship with his wife -what is her importance in this story?

I'm sure this was all clear in your head, but it's not on the page and I really want to know more.

David Birch (Level 5)

the writer certainly has a well of talent to draw from, but in the end, too many transitions, flash backs/forwards...no dialog, which i figured you wanted for effect, but without the dialog, the reader is kept guessing why??? it might work as part of an overall feature, but a five pager needs dialog to provide subtext and backstory...but what was written certainly indicate a writer's touch...very interested to see how you get reviewed...thanks for the imagery...BTW my brother is a magician, so you caught a receptive audience with me...thanks...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

It’s always interesting when a screenplay downplays, or in this case does without, dialog. Action then obviously has to carry the story.

Though much of the action lines carry the story forward there were many breaks that probably confused. Confused me at least. Flash forward and backward. Time jumps can certainly work well and actually be part of what I would call linear story telling. But I’m not sure they worked as well as they could here.

I like the overall premise and think this certainly has a lot of potential. Perhaps even in a longer format.

I’ll be interested to read other comments on this one.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This one pretty much lost me, even after a second read.

I do like the old time feel, and the visuals are well written, good job. I like the silent feel also. But I still don't get the whole story.

I'm afraid I don't see how the title relates either.

You write well and the visuals, as I said, were well done. Good job all in all.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A nice story that needs some work.

"It is black and white." Are you saying this should not be filmed in color? Not clear. Not sure you want to tell the director how to film his picture.

"Outside closed auditorium doors a small easel holds a hand written calligraphic sign “TONIGHT: Dominic the Magician” Since the writer is describing the outside, the slug-line should probably read: "EXT. SMALL THEATRE- NIGHT".

To write in a more active voice, look at all sentences that have the word IS or ARE or words ending in ING and try to rewrite them. Example: "Leonardo, who is standing in the wings, slips back into the darkness with knowing eyes." Consider instead: "Leonardo, stands in the wings, slips back into the darkness with knowledgeable eyes.

All the FADE IN's and FADE OUT's are not needed. FADE IN at the beginning of the SP and FADE OUT at the end. In your SP, you forgot to put it at the end. Suggest you add a copy of "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier to your personal library.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I think there is an interesting story in the script, but there are some plot points that I failed to understand. I still didn't get the significance of the 301 paper. Does that mean Dominic has 301 more magic tricks to show before he disappears? Maybe I am just too dense, I wish the writer can be more clear.

I kinda liked the way that there is no dialogue, which makes the script very visual.

However, I am not too thrilled with all those flashbacks and time lapses. One is fine, two are still acceptable, but three are way too much in a five pager. Sometimes it left me confused. Especially the subplot between Dominic and Helen.

Anyway, I'll give you a Good. So well done!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I think it was very admirable to create something that had little to no dialogue (I honestly cannot remember if it did or did not have any, gonna go back and check) but although this might not be the case with other readers, I tend to get lost without having any character interaction, because although we can see the dynamic, having them not interact with words doesn't create enough tension. Well, at least in my opinion. I was able to picture everything you wrote, and I think it flowed rather well, but I did find myself having to re-read just to make sure what was going on. I got the feeling of a novel, and not a screenplay. It was a very interesting premise, one that I would like to see on screen.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

It was written very well and was a nice little read. I'd say more, but I don't know how to write a script and most people on this site reminds of that fact when I submit. I suck and you don't, good job and keep it up.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like that it is subtle, but some parts may be a bit too subtle. I say that because I do not know what the 301 truly stood for. Other than that, terrific descriptions throughout.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

What is black and white? The world? Try to stray away from "is" in your action. I'm sure I've probably made the mistake too, but I just wanted to point it out.

Don't use "Cut to:" in your script.

If you're not going to have any dialogue in the script, then you shouldn't have them speak at all. Now I'm wondering what they are saying to each other.

"Slow mo:" Never put that in a script.

"they are unhappy" You should describe what they look like other than telling us what they are.

You definitely should of had dialogue because I have no clue what happened at the end. What was the paper for? It had 301 and then it had 0.... hm.... It couldn't of meant the years he was living because he was like 60 years old in the sixties. so that would make him like 110, right? Why was the other magician still alive?

The 301 isn't days, weeks, months... I don't get what 301 means, or 0! Did he take the life away from... never mind, this is hurting my brain.

You should look up the difference between a spec script and a shooting script. That may help you on all your "Directions" in the movie. They were very distracting.

Overall, I feel as though if I understood the ending it would of came all together. I really wished you wrote that better, because I want to get it. It seems so mysterious and I couldn't wait to find out what the number was for... I'm looking forward to you explaining what it was all about next month.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

After reading your script three times I still cannot work out the significance of the slip of paper. Why did it read 301 and then 0, I couldn't deduce the meaning of either number or why it changed. Other than this, there were few mistakes and I loved the lack of dialogue, this always tends to work well in short films.

I found your script bared a few to many similarities to the Twilight Zone episode "The Pharaoh's Curse" for me to call it original, perhaps this is coincidence, unlucky if so.

I thought your use of interesting and juxtaposing cuts between scenes was very clever, especially the tunnel so well done there.

You just need to clarify the meaning of your numbers and you'll have an excellent script on your hands. Keep up the good work.

John Brooke (Level 5)

ABRACADABRA – Magic! It’s an illusion Ladies and Gentlemen. Or is it? That is the unanswered question proposed through this confusing veil of smoke and mirrors.

A whole lot of hocus-pocus that’s beyond my intellectual grasp. Lots of hankies, and gestures but the magic has de-serted your story. I must be missing something. I am left, with a puzzle of no understanding. What does it mean?

I shall return an attempt to be more helpful.

Fair.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I do not understand what's going on in this script. The 301 eluds me. Leonardo and Dominic are clearly master and apprentice, with the apprentice finally taking over. I simply do not understand what goes on for the better half of the script. Dominic dissapearing in the end and Leonardo standing in his place certainly was weird.

The writing in general is convoluted, though i'm sure there is a story in there, I was not able to extract one from the script.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I think it's great that you went with a script that attempts to tell a story visually; however, I found the script to be a bit confusing. After reading it once, I immediately went back and read it again, and I'm still not sure as to what happened. What was the deal with Leonardo? Did he need Dominic to perform a certain number of shows for him to return as a 60 year old Leonardo? What was the significance of the 301 earlier on and the 0 at the end? Was that to say that Dominic's time was up? I think some dialogue may have helped to make it less confusing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Smash cut: Cut to Fade out fade in. All of that in 5 pages. Flashbacks. 1960's super. Why not give us a certain year. Please don't give us that, it's too ambiguous. No transitions please. I'm sorry I have to get to other scripts, I'm sure other folks will tell you why transitions bother people.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I admire your creativity - no speaking parts - wondering how hard it is to write something like this.

It's an interesting story and I liked the ending. However all these supers may confuse your audience, I think. and at one place they go from 1960 back to 1940 - I wonder if there's a reason to do that and if you could avoid that. Your story is complicated as is, I think and that makes it even more complex.

I also did not understand what 301 and 0 mean.

A touching conclusion and a touching story really. Left me confused, however.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting setup. Lots of visual fodder shows a flair for description. A sentimental tug as "Dominic (10) sits...mouth agog at his teacher's deftness." Nice touch as "Leonardo musses Dominic's hair." Really curious to see what happens to Leonardo, Dominic, and the cage "full of parakeets."
The Supers of difference decades are intriguing. The several "CUT TO, FADE OUT, FADE IN," and "SMASH CUT" are not necessary. Slows down the read trying to figure out their significance, as opposed to simply reading the well-written story.
After a couple reads, still don't understand the placement of the scene with the 1960s poster of "The Amazing Dominque." Is Dominque supposed to be the daughter of Dominic and Helen? There also is no motivation for Dominic's apparent abuse of Helen.
The dialogue-free tale is appealing. Didn't understand the "301" title or the paper with just the "0" left. Perhaps a linear telling of this story would be more clear.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Balletic". My new word of the day.

No egg has a "yoke". It's "yolk".

I love the style in this piece. It crackles with atmosphere.

I haven't the faintest idea what it all means, though. 301 times to do the trick? And then he disappears? And Leonardo hasn't aged a day? I just don't get it, especially with the use of supernatural whatever after all of the raw, pure human emotion of a lifetime. It felt like a weird juxtaposition.

I'm left wondering what happened to Helen, who inexplicably disappears on page 4.

I've become a huge fan of "speechless" scripts. I think they're very difficult to do, and very satisfying to watch. You made a great effort, and I commend you. Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The formatting is fine if you plan on producing, directing and generally filming all of your own work. That would mean you didn't expect anyone else to read or review it, though. This is a director's script, not a spec or reader's script, and it should be the latter. You only have five pages for story here. Don't waste space on direction. You need to be concentrating on selling the story to the reader, not planning camera angles or fades.

I didn't understand the whole thing with the woman. He gets the slip of paper with the '301' on it, and then he finds another with the '0' on it. How does the woman fit in with that?

This felt a little fractured to me. I think because of the many time shifts. You're taking us through decades at once, then use flashbacks. The read didn't flow well for me at all.

I do like the story. A lot. But I'd really like to see it fleshed out. It needs dialogue, too. Especially with the jumps in time. It needs something to ground it...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I really liked the first half of this but then I got REALLY confused. My confusion started on the top of page 3 when you forwarded to the 1960's. I still don't know why you did that if you were going to just go back again.

I love the no dialog and there seems to be a good story, although I did lose it. I don't know what "301" meant. He gave Dom that note and then what?? Did I miss what it meant??

I think this is cool but needs focus or maybe more pages. Just too many flashes for 5 pages. Some of your transitions were great by the way.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow. A great silent film that manages to tell a good story spanning a whole lifetime.

I didn't understand the significance of the paper with 301 on it, or the "O." nearer the end.

The surreal jumping around in time was very well done.

The ending was great.

Excellent.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Overall, the writing is good. But it tends to get overly descriptive. --"...a black dinner suit..." --you already told us the scene was black and white but then color suposedly creeps in but it's not really clear.

"a mop of immaculately slick black hair" --awkward. I've never seen an immaculate, slick mop of anything.

There are some errors in punctuation as well. "...husbands eyes" should be "...husband's eyes".

I don't get the ending. I mean, I understand what happened, but I don't get why it happened. What's the point?

Give it another pass. Trim down the description. And clarify the ending.

Best regards.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

What just happened? You really have a knack at athmospheric writing, but I missed the point here, it simply felt a little messy. Was there any reason for so many scenes and depictions of him removing that silk? I feel I'm overwhelmed with information here and the truth is, it started to confuse me. Care to explain the 301? Was it the ammount of tricks he could pull?

I loved the writing and the detail, but unfortunately couldn't get into the entire story because I didn't completely understand it. I have to be honest here, I thought I was a pretty smart guy so I guess you either made it beautifully geniusly complex, or it's simply a little bit too chaotic.

BEST MOMENT: The great and fast montage of the flirt/ring and wedding combo. Would be striking visually.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love the fact that you've told this story without dialogue. I wish more writers would challenge themselves, especially in the infancy of their writing careers, to tell a story solely with visuals. My praise to you for that.

However, I must confess, I became lost throughout the story, more than once. Unfortunately, the give-and-take of no dialogue was the over complication of the narrative and distracting spec screenwriting violations throughout.

Keep it simple, focus on the story. Lose all the supers, black and white, color, abundance of adjectives, scene transitions, P.O.V.'s, smash cuts, flashbacks, etc., etc., etc.

I do apologize if it turns out I am the only reviewer who struggled with this submission.

There are a few typos throughout.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the idea of a countdown of uses of magic and it is good that you went for a visual story telling concept with interesting visuals and no dialogue. For me I don't know if the character story presented engaged me and I'd have preferred to see a clearer use of the countdown premise.

"It is black and white." - I wonder if you could make this point a little less proscriptively. It has the feel of a directorial instruction and those don't generally read well. In general your script gives the director numerous technical instructions.

"a visibly red silk handkerchief" - Red on black and white carries immediate associations for me with Schindler's List.

"CUT TO:" - If you are going to specifically identify a cut then I wonder if it would make sense to use a transition style cut. In this case if the first scene ended on Dominic the transition to the 20 year old Dominic would have a clear meaning.

"theatre a buzz" - abuzz?

I'm not sure I understand why the 1960 scene is out of sequence.

The scene on the top of page 4 is an example of a scene that has a lot of concepts packed in and perhaps not fully developed so that they would come across on screen.

When the 301 becomes 0 I was wondering how he could have had such a long career with only 301 shows. Perhaps it needs a higher number, or maybe I've misunderstood what is being counted.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Wow, there were some amazing visuals captured here. If you haven't directed in the past, I can't wait to see what happens when you get a camera in your hands. The opening scene is captivating but I would find a way to exclude the Floor Assistant. The distraction of wondering what was whispered doesn't help the reader move on. Even on the re-read, I don't understand the significance of 301. I know it's on the piece of paper but I don't know the message behind it and since it's the title, it's a bit frustrating. I had no problem with the script having no dialogue but I would caution against it for a short. This would play wonderfully with just the right music but that's asking a lot to carry the audience through five plus minutes. Even if only one or two quick scenes have a line or two, it serves to engage the audience even more. Bringing Helen is and taking that arc through the tunnel is bit ambitious for a short. I think it might be better to keep the focus on Dominic and Leonardo for just the five page version and expand on other plot lines outside of the contest 5 page limit. Format wise, for all the Fade Outs you placed throughout, I was surprised you omitted the most important -- at the end. Close with FADE OUT. Nice, original piece. Best of luck.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This really isn't a script... it's more a treatment or a "scriptment". It almost reads like a novel. That being said, it is well written. Some dialogue would be good though, instead of people just talking. Also becareful with the flashbacks, you use a lot, which may become confusing. Also what was 301, I didn't really follow what was going on with it.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Leonardo's initial description is one of elegance, class, and style, but two paragraphs later, you describe him as "weathered".

The floor assistant should be described- man or woman? How is he/she dressed?

You can eliminate the "CUT TO:". I don't think it's used.

I see "small theatre" and "auditorium" as locations, but I think they're the same location in your script. Also you have "INT. SMALL THEATRE" then describe "outside closed auditorium doors"- this is a little confusing as you have it written.

Again, you can do without the transitions: you have fade out and fade in at the bottom of page 2.

I read this three times, but you lost me where you introduce Helen. I'm not sure what she hat to do with the story, and I have no idea what happened between Dominic and Leonardo.

I think this was going well, but unfortunately, I'm not sure what happened.
I like your use of black and white and color later.

I'm not sure what the title means.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good story -- a countdown. But there was also an incomplete story inserted in there, the story of him battering his wife. But that secondary story came out of nowhere, and it went nowhere, too. What was that all about?

Some other comments. First, there are a few formatting issues. On Page 1, you say "It is black and white." What is black and white? This scene? The whole movie? Since you have that statement in the narrative of the first scene, it would seem to apply only to that scene. But it doesn't, it applies until Page 3, when you say, "Now in color..." I'd recommend making that a little clearer. (Trottier recommends putting it in a note.)

Then, throughout the screenplay, you have people talking with no words. For example, Page 1, "A FLOOR ASSISTANT (20s) talks to him from the door." Do we hear this? If so, what does he say? If not, indicate that with MOS (or something). Another example, Page 2, "Leonardo speaks to him and hands him a piece of paper." Do we hear him? What does he say? There are several other examples throughout the script.

I'm not sure why, on Page 3, we jump to the 1960s (where nothing really happens), then flashback almost immediately to the 1940s. Why not skip the 1960s, or save that shot for later?

The scene headings/locations don't line up quite right in the next couple scenes. Dominic and Helen are in a restaurant, then we see them in wedding attire, then they jump in a car. That requires AT LEAST one new slugline, probably two.

Okay, enough about the formatting issues. One more comment about the story. It was a pretty good idea to have him find the note, which now reads "0" and his magic skills disappear. (And he does, too -- I didn't quite get that.) But you revealed it too early. As soon as we see the "0", we know what's going on, so it's not a surprise when he pulls the red handkerchief away and the broken egg is still there. It would have been much better if he reads the note and we see a look of shock on his face. Then he tries the trick and it fails. And THEN, when Leonardo comes out on stage, HE picks up the note and we see that it reads "0". Or something like that.

A pretty good story, though. My recommendations would be (1) clean up some of the formatting, and (2) make the surprise reveal a little more surprising.

My score: GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Very different take on this month's contest. The lack of any dialogue is a cool choice. I think that story here is a interesting one, but the script itself needs a little work. With all the flashbacks, I really feel this would be confusing on screen. I also think that they hindered the flow of your script by constantly changing the focus of the narrative. While your descriptions are very well written, some do not lend themselves to screen. For example, you describe Helen as "startled, confused yet intrigued." It would be better to let her actions and word paint a picture of how she feels, rather than simply telling the reader (Something you can not "tell" a viewer). Things like this leave the reader with caricatures rather than flesh and blood characters.

Overall, you have a very vivid and visual imagination. I think with a few tweaks in form this could be much better. Hope this helps!

GOOD

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

For the life of me, I don't know what "301" means to this story. Is it a magician's special number? Was Dominic only given 301 attempts at the egg trick, and the "0" meant he had run out of them? I've read this several times and can't quite put it together, and trust me I've seriously tried because I HATE when reviewers don't "get" my story. I think I would enjoy watching the camera movements and cuts, but story-wise would wish for more clarity.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The actual writing is very solid and the images were vivid. I could be a dolt, but I found this script a big jumpy, zigzagging from one period to the next and I was not sure of "301" significance.

Was equally challenged as to why it was a film and not an actual present time event.

Obviously the jacket and the red silk handkerchief was magical, but why was Dominic replaced by Leonardo at the end?

Maybe I missed the subtlety of this particular script, but I did enjoy the writing and visuals.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jonah Yarden (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2009 11:44 AM

It's that time again!

Time for Jonah to insist there is method to the madness he scrawls on 5 pages and forces his peers to read. First off, I must say that I wrote this in a couple of hours and then made changes to it over the course of the next couple of hours leading to the submission deadline. I am really unable to write a script on the 1st of the month...its a problem. Therefore, I AGAIN apologise for the habitual spelling and grammatical errors. And, yes, I always write as though I intend to shoot it, even telling someone in critque this month to do the same (opps).I will write readers scripts from now on. Anyways, to the "script"!

301-

A master magician, Leonardo, shows his student, Dominic, a trick. It flummoxes the young man who, try as he may, cannot perfect it. One day Leonardo gives Dominic his handkerchief and a piece of paper which reads 301. 301 was supposed to connote the opportunities he had to perform 'a trick'. Also, with the paper in a forgotten jacket, that he hadn't put on since he performed the trick for the first time, I wanted to imply ambiguity in how long it had been since it had reached 0 (it was supposed to be a zero btw).

But I have a rhetorical question for you: just because you can do something, why should you do it to excess? No one said it was his only trick. :) Even if he did it 3 times ayear as a finale to massive shows he would still have had tricks to spare. So how important was knowledge to him in relation to the trappings of success?

I didnt want to connote that he had run out of use of that particular trick THAT day but that in finding the note it was brought to his attention that he had failed to be concious of a known consequence. What I tried to weave was a tapestry of chances that the trick of celebrity allowed Dominic to perform. Celebrity and magic being hyperbolic yet humanistic allegories.

The magic of celebrity
+ the false adulation (sycophants),
+ the feeling of everything being attainable (Helen),
+ A false and dangerous sense of authority and power (starting subtle in stopping Helen from biting her nails and leading to domestic violence)
+ turning one into a caricature(the make up, Dominic changing his name to Dominique, from the auditorim to the lavish stage production)

However, there comes a point where those chances or tricks run out.

So the 'reveal' wasn't that he could or couldn't do the trick, because he still did it, the reveal was he was no longer ALLOWED to be ignorant of consequence.

When he saw the paper was at zero he was angered because he thought he had a choice. Whatever that choice may have been he still decided to go out and perform the trick again. However,the real trick was that his life was a living illusion orchestrated by Leonardo.

The spindle ending the movie was to place the audience in an awkward position. Just when the secondary reality was accepted they are asked to leave it...left questioning the meaning of it all in the darkness.

I wanted to create focal points in emotion and gestures that would be uplifted and punctuated by music. Most of the time silent films had no dialogue at all and relied on emotion...I really wanted to play with that.

NB. An auditorium can be a space in a building. So a small theatre could have an auditorium (hall).

Little disappointed in my scores but I appreciate my mistakes and formatting did me no favours. Thx again for all your opinions and recommendations.

Onwards and Upwards!

Jonah