Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

If I knew what was going on more this would have been one of the best. You have a great complex story going here but without some more details the audience is going to be lost.

That being said I think the story is great though I struggled through it you had good visuals good dialogue and intriguing characters. However I would find a way to fill in some of the info that makes this so complex. maybe this story cant work as just a 5 pager because it has more story to it than 5 pages would allow.

Andrea Honan (Level 2)

I had a hard time following at times. The stuff about the binary code and not living past 33 because of it was interesting. I think maybe the subject matter was too lofty to tackle in five pages or less. Too many unanswered questions. However, I admire how you create a whole other world.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Jexu & Joze-Ef should be capitalized and properly introduced the first time we see them. This was an interesting sci-fi take on the life of Jesus Christ. I noticed a few typos. I think you called Vrilas 'Villas' at least once in dialogue. I'm not sure the title works here as it is ultimately an insignificant number in relation to the story. I think 33 would have been more appropriate. The script could definitely stand to be tightened up a bit, both in the descriptions and in the dialogue. Overall, I thought this was a decent effort, but a read through or two would have caught a couple of the errors that I noticed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sleep deprivation? Occult cabal?

Why have you said the screenplay is by the binary code for 69?

Why have you put this URL AGAIN? (I hear you mailed Chris about it and it's okay!)

Very VERY clever use of biblical references in a futuristic setting. I was a bit disconcerted that Joze-Ef betrayed Jexu - when it should have been Judas, surely?

echos - echoes

VILLAS - VRILAS

I was left a little deflated by the very last bit of the ending. I thought it needed MORE or DIFFERENT - what Vrilas said just seemed a bit feeble.

Very, very good though. I liked this a lot.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Oh no here's the dreaded computer language.

Ok you made the story of Jesus a sci-fi. Alrightee, uh, what can I say. It was technically fine. I hate 'THE END' at the end of screenplays, but that's probably just me. You had to be creative to pull this off, so why didn't you just use a unique story? I wasn't offended, but as sci-fi goes a lot of people try to retell classics in a sci-fi setting some work, most don't.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

It is so hard to do Sci-Fi in five pages, especially when you have to create a new world with new rules.

This was intriguing, but it all felt a bit rushed and a little confusing. It reminded me (in a good way) of "Logan's Run", but I wish you had more pages to work with to make this story feel complete.

David Birch (Level 5)

high marks for originality...like the idea of using the binary code for your title...should have devoted a little more time on setting up your confrontation...something to hook the reader on and engage him with your protag's situation...but overall, and interesting concept and something to think about on a tighter rewrite...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

First, a compliment on what should be a simple task for a writer but one that so many have difficulty with.

It’s interesting how some writers are able to take very unfamiliar character names and plant them into a readers mind so that the reader can keep track of which character is doing or saying something. Even with two characters with similar appearing names, the characters are distinctive enough to keep them separate. You did that and thanks, it makes it easy to follow the story.

The story is interesting though I’m not conversant enough to know the deeper meaning behind the numerical codes you used. I’m sure if I understood them better I’d have a better understanding of the story.

I like the story, it seems linear with a beginning, middle and end. It rises to a climax. Even if I don’t understand everything, I can appreciate the construction, conflicts and characters.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I think this story needs more than five pages. Good luck on the rewrite.

"Two moons hang in an alien sky and cast a bright wash across Jexu (32) and Joze-Ef (30) as they walk across a manicured lawn to a large white building." When characters are first introduced, make sure you CAPITALIZE their names.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I appreciate your creativity in this sci-fi script, but it was a tough read for me. It was very hard for me to follow the story. I am assuming it's about the people have a restricted lifespan and Jexu is trying to avoid that. It's not to the point of incomprehensible. I guess a few more reads will do it.

I can't say too much about the characters and the dialogues. They are talking about something that's too deep for me to understand. I feel like I'm at the perimeter. I wanted to get in to know what's going on but there is a layer that just blocked me from entering.

I'll give you some credits for being extra creative and clean writing.

Sorry if I couldn't be more helpful.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

There were some interesting visuals, but I didn't quite follow the story. It reminded me of a few I have seen in the sense that people are killed before they reach a certain age. A lot happened, and I just wasn't sure what that was.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like the fact that we are immersed a different place in a short 5 page script, so that must show you did a good job bringing us somewhere else. The ending part was more futuristic / otherwordly as you describe Jose-ef wheeling Jezu away and then bringing out the seed packets, etc. The middle part with the courtroom and the tribunal came across more theatrical than futuristic / otherwordly. I thought the beginning was more generic with "two moons" telling us that we are somewhere else. So, if I were to split the script into 3 parts, I liked the last 3rd the best. The descriptions, the action, the dialogue worked best to be original an also bring us somewhere else. I didn't think the first two parts were as originally written as the last.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

No... This isn't fare...

THAT'S MY IDEA!!! :) I'm almost finished with the first draft of a feature film where a different kind of Jesus lives in parallel universes. I was actually considering to make it a short and enter it in the december contest. (grumbles)... and I still might....

Anyway, I knew it was Jesus from the get go. Especially when he revived the dead guy. You should of changed the name.

All that future stuff I didn't get. What was that clear goop? And how did Jexu know Joze betrayed him? I don't know what triggered his suspicion.

The numbers didn't really have anything to do with the story if you ask me. It was a morgue and that's it. The numbers weren't involved.

The ending was great. A decent story. I give it more points because I like the idea. ;}

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It was certainly a fresh and unique story. I never really felt at home in the setting. The concept was fairly original

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

In my opinion, when writing sci-fi, try to steer well clear of the reams of clichés associated with the genre (unless of course you are going to satirise it, in which case you should dig right into those clichés). I think your script's downfall was that the excess of clichés and conventions buried the your original and unique ideas. A few clichés are ok but you had multiple moons, typical sci-fi names, ray guns, bright white buildings and threats to the universe to name just a few.

Also, I felt the dialogue was a little too melodramatic, for example "I will seed a million wombs, my prodigy will swarm the universe and stamp you out." I think sci-fi often needs naturalistic dialogue to gain the well needed realism that's so hard to achieve within the genre (check out how genuine the dialogue is in "Moon").

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a hi-tech retelling of Jesus's life and death? At least that's what I get from it. I believe your title is missing a zero in the end if it's supposed to be '666'. I wrote a script with the same title, but different content based in the future too.

This script is a little vague in it's ending. Jexu's acts sort of mimick certain events of the gospel. However, I cannot connect the events in the middle and ending. Why did Jexu bring Larrus back to life? Why did Joze-ef betray Jexu? Is Vrilas supposed to be satan?

The ending was too agitated. Once again we got a series of actions going on, but we really do not understand the reason why Jexu must send his DNA accross the universe to be inserted in wombs on all life-giving planets in the universe. I feel as if you were going for a sci-fi retelling of the life of Jesus Christ, but that is something nearly impossible to do in five pages.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

All these characters sound alike in my opinion. They just go along and seems like a comedy to me at times. I liked the opening although I think it could be better. I think this is an ok script but like I said all the characters seem to sound the same and the names and so many characters to focus on I think you can cut so much of that aspect of this film.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm sorry but I have to tell you that it took me long to read it. It's overcomplicated for me. I'm curious if others think the same, I'll come back to check.

That's how I understand it - people have an obligation to die at 32 due to some equation (I'm guessing the number is an equation) Jexu (Jesus?) started some kind of movement, his believers are able to get born again and again. His friend Jose-Ef (biblical Joseph?) betrayed him, but Jexu can't be betrayed, he'll be born again and again.

Well, I'm sure you based it on Biblical characters and I find it intriguing, original and clever. I wonder if it works against you though. Still don't have a grasp of it all. original though..

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An intriguing sci-fi story. Nice variety of locations.
Read a couple times, though, and the techie information and vague references are confusing.
The opening scene infers that Jexu and Joze-Ef are aliens; but, there is no description of them, except human ages.
First dialogue from Joze insinuates that Jexu is on some kind of mission, "...more people believe every day. Joze responds, "...in what, a free lunch? They need to see the truth of their equation." Then, Jexu "looks at the building" with "100 plus zeros and ones."
No idea what's being setup here.
Jexu brings a man, Larrus, back to life and says, "And they shall bear witness...Life should begin at thirty-three, not end." Larrus is agitated about being alive. When he's asked to "present evidence" -- of Jexu's treason maybe -- Larrus insists that his birthdate/deathdate is off. A Tribunal's "verdict" is "zero one, zero zero zero"?
Believe this story is about Jexu trying to incite people -- he's the "leader of the Z-Raelia movement" -- those getting close to thirty-three and death, into a kind of insurrection. It's well written and sophisticated, with parallels to Jesus being betrayed and born again.
Probably just needs more clarification for the average person.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

How do I know it's an "alien sky"? Maybe you want to describe it so I immediately know: maybe it's green, or streaked with orange, or has fish flying around in it, or something.

You need to tell us the sex of your characters. Are they male or female? I'm assuming they're aliens, too, but you don't really say. What do they look like? Are they humanoid, or not? I'm confused right at the beginning by the overall lack of description.

At the bottom of 1, I realized that this is a play on Jesus and Lazarus. I'm not yet sure how I feel about that.

You're peeling away the layers of this, making it more and more obvious what you've adapted. It'll be hilarious reading back through the reviews, seeing which reviewers figured out what you were doing, and who didn't.

I'm still not sure how I feel about your story. I'm confused about what you're trying to say through it, what the ending means, and what the purpose of all the binary talk was. The best I can come up with is that this is just one step in a cosmic chase of Jesus and the Devil, hopping through worlds, recreating the same war over and over on various planets. Any more than that, any moral you're trying to convey, it's getting a little foggy in there.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Something about this feels so familiar. Like the names of the characters. I wonder if this is part of something I read of yours or maybe you're adding on to another entry you wrote...or maybe I'm just crazy. Quite possible. It would make sense if this was part of something bigger because it feels that way. I feel like it doesn't start at the beginning.

You're good at writing SciFi...not my fav genre but I'll be objective. Like I said, for me it felt like we were jumping into something and not getting the backstory.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like binary.

Ugh, the 'allegory' is very obvious. There are so many ideas jostling for dominance that I'm not sure any of them come through completely in the way you intended. They kill people at thirty three, but they are also replicated in other bodies? And the society is based around binary, but Jexu challenges it with hexadecimals and bringing people back to life?

It's too complicated a story for five pages, and as a result, hasn't been communicated very well.

Michael Johnson (Level 2)

I didn't come away from this specific entry feeling as though I read a screenplay for a short film. Moreover, it felt as if the writer chose a series of scenes from a bigger work, and then rattled them around to make everything "fit".

Also, there were many profound moments of dialouge that I feel completely outweighed the story. I realize the story is dealing with life and death, but in the time it took me to equate that, the screenplay ended and I felt as though I needed to give it a second read.

Third and final note, I would consider changing the names. In a VERY short screenplay such as this, you dont want your viewers wasting good attention time on wondering why your characters names are slightly abnormal.

MJ

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Another Binary code. Yeah that was to be expected. Glad I stayed away. Don't want to sound to negative, but alien planets, double suns, been there. Also, the names, not really original either. We;ve seen these types of humanoid aliens before talking perfect english. I'm not impressed.

Okay, so I get it now, it's a jesus-sci-fi story. Love the idea beind that one, don't think the story was quite as good. There isn't that much overlap aside from the names and some minor details.'I'd love it if it was a little more like the 'original'. All in all a cool set-up, but not really breathtaking. Felt like it would be better as a larger movie, specially considering the budget needed.

BEST MOMENT: When I went "Oh snap, it's Jesus!"

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A similar title-page appeared on a script last month, which with it's unique markings, eliminates the writer's anonymity. There has to be a way to delete all that, right? It appears amateurish and the title is different from the WGA(w) registration.

Now, let's focus on the important matters, the story itself:

I always appreciate the imagination, creativity, and originality that goes into stories like these that create their own worlds and civilizations. The story itself might be too big for a five-page script and could benefit from an expansion, because it was a little hard to follow in spots.

Jesus is reported to have died at age thirty-three. I wonder if that's how you arrived at that age?

There's a hard-rock band, Clutch, that has a song titled, "10001110101." I wonder if the meaning of the two are somehow related?

Your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order; there are a few minor typos throughout dealing with punctuation.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This script is an intriguing story set in an interesting location and well connected back to our own culture. I like how you have paralleled a familiar religious story and used the idea of multiple Jesus stories playing out.

"Carved high on the facade is 100101001011." - Is this meant to match the title? Actually I tried figuring out what some of the numbers here are to see if they formed a pattern that I could understand and I didn't detect a pattern in them.

As a minor suggestion I wonder if a number like "11111111" would not make more sense as an end of life binary number?

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I'll give you credit for being ambitious but this one was a little confusing to me. There were consistently new characters being introduced early and I had a hard time focusing on who was doing what. I also thought these futuristic type characters talked very much like normal people today -- 'This is insane.' especially. I did like the way you incorporated the title into the story and I thought there was some interesting visual opportunities here but I also thought they would be extremley expensive to pull off well. One thing I learned from writing shorts is that, unless you plan to shoot things yourself -- learn to tell a story that consistently engages the reader. It's hard enough to tell a great story. It's even harder to tell a story so good that someone else is inspired to spend their time and money to make it into a film. There's some good things here. Maybe consolidate down a character or two and put emphasis on the story arc earlier. Best of luck.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I confess I was a little confused with this whole story. It felt like more and more conflict was being added and it jumbled the overall story. This was like an alien version of Logan's Run. I have a feeling this may work better on screen than reading it, just because of the alien names and stuff. That added to the confusion for me. Overall though, decent effort.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

Not to take away from the Bible or from your work, but this story was a very drab, and somewhat vague. The main focal points of my concerns were in both character and plot. At no point in the story did I care about the characters because I didn't know what or why they were doing something. I didn't even realize that they weren't on Earth until the end. I read "two moons hang in an alien sky" and just thought you were referring to some point in the future. Maybe a planetary label in the slug would help clarify.

Normally, for shorts, I would expect some form of character motivation by 1/3 of the way in for the establishment of Act II, but we didn't know what was going on until the last page. It was like this HUGE idea with too many working parts was trying to be squeezed into this six page story. Honestly, the entire Lazarus parable in the beginning could be axed, as it serves no purpose of Jexu's plan to beam his seed into Mary's womb. Honestly, you should have started the story sometime after his capture, and expanded form there. Oh, and if Jexu was against him, why did he disguise himself as an orderly, assist in the beaming of the womb deal? I mean, I understand that he crosses Vrilas too, but it doesn't add up. He helps Jexu, then sells him out, then helps him again. All within one minute of screen time. Why? There is no logic in his actions. He should have either helped Jexu and that was it, or not appeared at the end at all because his only motivation for being there should have been to help Jexu. "Yes, I will help him escape only so we can capture him again." See what I mean?

The names of your characters were reasonably placed, I supposed.

LARRUS - LAZARUS
VRILAS - RIVALS
JEXU - JESUS
JOZE-EF - JOSEPH (Most obvious one, :) )

Oh, and the binary in the script was another detail I couldn't digest. It didn't translate into anything. Normally if you're using a code as a convention of speech, you should subtitle it with the proper translation, but your title translates into ” and some of your dialogue translates into more .

I have nothing against the "Jesus was an alien" theory, and I like the way you portrayed it, but the story was too flawed to fully enjoy. Simplify and fill in those logic holes and it would be a reasonably enjoyable yarn. :)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well done, this is a very good, well written script. The story pulled me in and I think this story would make a great short film. It has a lot of depth to it. The characters are well written. I gave it an excellent.

I'm always amazed at some of the scripts that are posted here, and wonder how these stories come to someone's mind. This is one of those scripts, the detail, and the way you wrote the story, all were excellent.

I hope you get to make this for next years short film competition, as I would love to see it made.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Uh-oh. Another binary title. Hope they don't show up at the multiplex at the same time or there's gonna be a lot of confusion. I haven't read your script yet, but my first comment...the title is a bit unwieldy.

Now I've read it, and the story is a bit unwieldy, too. (Interesting that the two scripts I've read (so far) with binary titles are both otherworldly updates of biblical mythology.)

Your story is kind of a cool idea, but the end result is confusing. It's a big chore creating a whole new world, with all new rules, mixed in with some biblical allegory, and then weaving all that into a satisfying and entertaining story. (Maybe too much of a chore for 5 pages.) Challenge #1 is to make the story understandable, and I have to admit, I didn't really understand this. I think I got the gist of it, but at the end everything got kinda fast and furious, so I was lost. As I'm writing this review, and re-reading parts of the story, I'm starting to understand it better, but movie viewers don't have that luxury -- they have to get it the first time through. But now I see it -- Jexu beams his seed to wombs throughout the universe, where a virgin birth occurs and he saves the people from whatever they need saving from. In the case of this universe, it's forced euthanasia at age 33. Okay, not a bad idea for a story, but it shouldn't be this difficult for me (or anyone) to figure out.

And I'm still not sure what the binary numbers (and, therefore, the title) have to do with anything. When Vrilas says, "Nothing lies beyond the binary," what does that mean?

Anyway, kind of a cool idea for a story, but also kinda confusing. I'd recommend clarifying it a bit.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Characters should be capitalized when first introduced.
The third character introduction is correct so I'm guessing it was just an oversight the first two.

Title: Fitting. It tells you the theme of the script so kudos for that. 4/5

Characters: Difficult to comment really as I couldn't quite grasp what was going on. I saw a mixture of ideas that I've already seen so not sure how original this was. Characters didn't really connect with me. 2/5

Dialogue: Again, difficult to follow. I think the dialogue may have suffered due to trying to fit in a story that's too big for 5 pages? 2/5

Story: This felt like a feature somehow squeezed into 5 pages. Some good ideas going on but nothing that really struck me as unique and original. Isn't it 'A Brave New World' where people get killed at 33? I'm sure I've seen the three faces in darkness before as well somewhere. There was a strong religious feel to this aswell. A futuristic Jesus Christ? 3/5

Overall, I was intrigued by this but felt it shouldn't be a 5 page short. There were also elements that I have seen or read before. 3/5

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. This story seems really well thought out and structured, but too big for five pages. I have an idea as to what you were going for, but I feel it loses something with the details being mostly spoken rather than shown. This leads to the on-the-nose dialogue that really hurts the final product. For example:

JEXU
Knowing that I will be born again,
and again, just to go through a
new death, to save a a new race.
Nothing eases the pain, but it
must be done. And I'm a better man
for it.

Very on the nose, especially because the preceding conversation does not really lend itself to this kind revelatory speech.

The ending threw me for a loop as well. Villas is hell bent on stopping Jezu, and in his rage and singular goal he betrays everything he stands for and uses the "seeding" technology. I think this ending would work much better if there was more development of Villas. Showing his transformation from a man of justice and dedication to his people to an agent of revenge would be a great sub-plot. Again, I think it's the page constraints that hurt this the most. A re-write after the contest could do wonders for this. Cheers!

GOOD

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The science fiction version of the New Testament. Clever idea. It seems like one would have to be a member of MENSA to figure out what the characters are saying. I like the similar names matching their historical figure. What I like about this story is that you don't include the year it happens, so this could be the past as much as it seems the future. It didn't quite hold my interest mainly because I know the skeleton of the story, so there were few surprises.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2009 12:25 AM

Loved this one!

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 10:43 AM

Thank you Caroline. Your comment and favor made it all worthwhile.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 11:31 AM

Not to dismiss all the other reviews, because they are quite insightful, and have certainly identified the problems with the script. So, thx to all.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2009 3:02 PM

Thanks for the Clarification.

I think the idea of a gospel retelling that is refreshed with a scifi setting would be awesome. I am convinced that something of such magnitude would be impossible to cram into five pages. My comments tend towards that too. It seems we both rode the same train here, just in different boxcars.

If you do decide to expand this into a full feature, keep me in mind as I'll be willing to read it and offer an honest insight.

Cheers.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 12/26/2009 1:40 AM

I was a bit confused after the first read and went back to it a few times. I think I got that it had to do with Jesus on the first read, but I couldn't understand the need to end life at 33. How does that benefit this alien society? I had the sense that Vrilas was older but that couldn't be true. So I was left still feeling confused. But the concept was un ique enough to me that I enjoyed it.