Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

I liked this one. some of the early dialogue was a bit expository but it evened out as the story took off. The feel of the cold winter night was good, and accurate.. I am betting the writer does not call south beach home. Good tension as the husband has to figure out what to do.. did he make the right choice? the baby lived, so yeah/. nicely done.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This started off well, although rather too long was spent on the build up to the accident. It would have been more interesting to spend more time dealing with the aftermath. To me it fell away at the end, which I've explained below.

swath - swathe

You seem to have very large top and bottom margins!

Personally, I don't like the capitalisation of sounds in a spec script. It makes me feel like the writer thinks I'm an idiot!

Cassie shakes her head 'no' - shaking your head always means no doesn't it? Nodding your head means yes.

Really found it very bizarre that Dean would strip and Cassie 'has been lovingly
cleaned up as much as possible given the situation' - not credible to me. The baby would have far more warmth snuggled up to Dean's body, not to mention comfort.

Unfortunately, this lack of credibility made me lose all empathy for their plight.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Just read as script titled 40, this is -40 degrees, didn't purpose, but same number.

Single dash in the scene headings. Since you are probably the only person still doing this it should be easy to figure out who wrote this.

Now this is a the first script I read that deserves an Excellent, so you got one. This little piece would probably be about 8 minutes when it's done but it would be visually appealing and has an interesting and touching tale. Great Job.

Sorry though, since I'm giving you an Excellent you are doomed to miss the top 3.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

What a tragic story. I'm so glad you let the baby live.

Your craft is great and this was a compelling read.

The opening was a bit slow, I think it could be tightened a bit and and then you could spend more time on the will and desire to survive and save the baby. The ending is very powerful.

Lastly, the title is good, but I think if it weren't for the competition rules, you could come up with something stronger.

David Birch (Level 5)

one of the best presentations in a long time...flawlessly formatted...everything tip-top...my problem would be with the "creative" side of the story...seemed a bit simplistic and predictable...babies and puppies are the easiest "props" to get an audience to melt...the writing gave good visuals...just felt the ending went down the cliche road...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

This has a lot of potential. There certainly is a story.

Some of the expository dialog bothers me (Cassie explaining where the couple live) but overall most of it rings true.

Always questionable to be out in this type of weather but it happens all the time. These are the stories that show up on the news throughout the winter months.

Good work. Some edits would help, but still, a good story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Forty Below, clear concise transition and easy to understand title, one of the best.

Your opening is moving right along, I like the description of the trees, road etc. But on page two after the crash, it felt a little herky jerky with pov shifts within the suv. Perhaps shorten that into two or three sentences and cover everybody in the vehicle. The hook was right on time with the crash, nice timing.

Well after finishing this, I don't really get the resolution, unless you just like sad, unhappy endings. Audiences don't like these kind of endings much, I on the other hand can enjoy one, if it serves a purpose. I didn't see the purpose. Sure, the baby lives which is good, but I still don't see the point. It's not like they were rushing to the hospital, the child was already born before they got in the SUV to take a drive, right?

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I liked the script until Dean let himself die. The ultimate sacrifice, yes, but a baby needs a father. Gave this a very good.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Great story, well-written. I was engaged from start to finish. Good dialog, good description, good pacing, good everything. I don't have any suggestions to offer. I thought it was excellent.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

What a tragedy. I liked it though. The ending is both happy and sad at the same time.

There is nothing I can complain about the story. It's simple, straightforward, with a proper beginning and end, yet it touches me.

The writing is well done as well. I'm not too sure if you wrote Dean's POV correctly. Shouldn't it be within the description? Because the way you wrote it, the entire scene is within Dean's POV, which obviously is not midway through the scene. And why make the scene from Dean's POV? Doesn't add any suspense or anything.

It's a very solid entry, it touches me but didn't wow me. It's a VERY GOOD. Well done!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I'm so glad the baby lived! This was a very sad story, and achieved the emotion that I think you were aiming for. I didn't see any technical errors, and it seemed to flow rather well.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I liked your descriptions. The commments were short but well written so we get a lot out of the descriptions. There wasn't anything showy about them either, just straight and to the point but quality. Maybe with a half of page left, you could have spent more time on Dean's decision to stay or go. I was wondering what the right move would be, so this is a big decision. I am not saying the script was missing it, just that with more room that would be one thing I would be interested in seeing. Given the way you were able to write the other descriptions, I imagine you could written a decent amount of interesting things in a half of page.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Nicely written but terribly sad and depressing story. I guess there should be a bit of hope in the fact that the baby lived, but it isn't much.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why would he throw his phone down in disgust? Maybe in anger. Or frustration. I don't think disgust.

Dang... that story was so sad...

I loved it though! They went from arguing, to frightened, to death. That is terrible. I really felt for the characters, especially when the mother died. I just pictured her mangled below the dashboard, and how she reached out to her husband, that was soo sad. :'(

Why was Cassie saying wait? What ever reason it was, I felt her pain. I just wanted to reach in and help her.

I really didn't expect the husband to die, but it was forty below out there. Poor kid... This story was really sad, I don't know why I expected a happy ending. I enjoyed this short very much.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This was really good. It tells me I still have a lot to learn. I think this was longer than 5 pages, what a great job getting so much in such a short space.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This was a very solid script, every aspect was done pretty well, but it seemed that although there were no major flaws there were also no particularly impressive features. I imagine the script could become a truly outstanding short film with the help of good cinematographer, but this potential relies more in the visual possibilities that in the writing.

I feel it wasn't necessary to put so much focus on the purpose of their trip toward the beginning of the script, as although this gives detail it is somewhat redundant information that has little or no effect on the actions to come. I'm not saying it's bad, I just think that there's no room to mess around in a five page script.

All in all, thumbs up, well done.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A couple and a new born crash in a forest somewhere while it's snowing. At night. They die and the baby lives, cops find them, the end.

While you wrote everything well and made a vivid visualization of the whole event, there's really no story here at all. The father was noble in his attempt to save the baby, by wrapping him up, but he could have bundled himself up also with all the clothes that were in the luggage he threw out.

Why was she naked? Why did he clean her up? Why did he sacrifice his heat and energy to bring a cold corpse to the back? Why did he commit suicide instead of trying to stay alive? I say commit suicide because there were luggages where people usually carry clothing. He could have bundled himself up. If the baby survived buried in cloth, then so could he have also.

I gave this a Good because you write very well, but there really was no story and the turn of events that led to the ending raises more questions than can be answered.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I liked this enough. I thought it was nice. Nice dialogue nice story nice descriptions the middle was a little expected but it works. It all works. This gets my only excellent.
Keep writing.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

An expertly written short, in my opinion.

However, I didn't feel much for it.
In a feature we need to include exciting insident on approximately 10th minute. This looks like it - an exciting incident, except I'm not that drawn to know about it - I don't know these people, I don't root for them, that's only an incident for me...an accident really...

A superbly written little script but a little insubstantial for me. I just want more. I also can't say I liked the resolution - maybe sad stories like that should be left for the features... Apparently not for someone like me.

I would scratch blankets at the end - it's clothing that saved the baby... I think... if this is your punch line it could be stronger if it's just "under the pile of clothing", I think.

My score: Good

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A simple, sad story. Dean and Cassie appear like everyday people. They have a bit of a spat, and then Cassie takes her seat belt off...
Easy storyline to follow. Probably don't need the reference to "Dean's POV." The description of the snow bashing against the window and the deer darting in front of the SUV is clear.
Can understand that Dean would remove Cassie from "below the dashboard"; but, considering it's 40 below and blizzard conditions, don't understand "a thin baby blanket...draped over her naked form."
Seems to be a sensitive tone here, until the Police Officer "peers in" the SUV, apparently notices Cassie and Dean deceased, and his comment is he's "gonna need a meat wagon."
Hoped that a twist would provide a different ending.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Wow. A remarkable story of love and redemption and sacrifice.

I don't think I really liked it, enjoyed it, or even got to know the characters, so I'd encourage you to try a slightly longer version where we actually get to meet and like the two adults. But I have nothing else to comment on, other than I'm really glad you went for your vision. Good for you. Excellent.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Interesting idea, some good descriptions. The thought of them stranded out in the freezing cold with the baby is frightening. The story itself was a bit weak though. We only see Dean and Cassie for a short time before the accident. He's not very likeable and we didn't get to know her. I think they need more depth so we can feel something when these two people die. And I figured out the ending pretty early on. It just needs something more to give it depth. Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

A snowy road is a great setting to build tension. Not only do you have the low visibility, meaning anything can happen at any moment, but if something does happen then it's completely isolated. It was used to good effect here.

I like the almost abstract way you describe the crash. It makes it very disconcerting while still being easily imagined for filming purposes.

'blurred whiteness'
This can just be 'blurred white'.

'No service.'
This is a cliché, but I guess it's acceptable in this situation.

The sacrifice Dean made at the end for his baby was really touching, although Cassie's death seemed a bit abrupt.

Good.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Excellent. I felt Dean's frustration, thought Cassie was a bit naive. Liked the end. There's nothing more I can say.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Well, seems like we were on the same track with that degrees and minus stuff. Hope we didn't end up stealing each other's thunder.

Quite a cold story you got here, murdering those poor parents, what kind of writer are you? Haha. I liked the story, the setting was all too familiar, but I liked the emotion of it. The baby surviving feels like another cliché, but I guess you killing the baby would have frozen your heart over even more.

Title fits and it's a nice story. Perhaps a little more drama when the father decides what he should do in the situation, it's the only true tense moment and you should milk it just a little more. Just to be sure.

Sounds a bit harsh calling it the Meat Wagon, but I guess that's county for ya.

BEST MOMENT: The nice visuals. Although slightly macabre, they would make a stunning sight.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a good start for a tragic story, but there are issues with this draft holding it back.

The dialogue on page one is very expositional and on-the-nose.

Is this the first time ever that Cassie and Dean are visiting Cassie's parents? How could Cassie not know how to get to her parent's house? They don't have a G.P.S.? Why don't they call her parents for better directions?

Unfortunately, there's not much story here and it's ends anticlimactically. Couple and their baby try to visit her parents, get caught in a bad storm, crash and the parents die and the baby lives.

It feels like a scene from a larger story.

What's the moral or theme to this all?

Your screenwriting itself is good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing! Good luck!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the simple emotional connection of this script and the way you have described and conveyed their situation as being one of genuine danger. The description of the crash scene is very effective. I was a little disappointed with the ending because it seemed a bit too obvious how it would play out, and it did what I expected.

For me this script has some on the nose feeling dialogue. An example is "I think so. Hard to be sure." What makes this on the nose is that she is saying what she is thinking.

"Dean, in only a t-shirt and pants" - This seems a little silly. A better plan would be to stick the baby inside his own clothes, wrap them both up, and share body heat. Of course that might not look as dramatic.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Powerful. I think the opening could be trimmed to allow for more drama after the deer accident. Still, after page 2, I was riveted. The indecision and fighting off choices is so difficult. Throw in a newborn and you've escalated the stakes as high as could be and that makes for good drama. The closing sequence, when Dean and Cass are trying to keep the baby comfortable I felt could have been expanded so maybe show some indecision. Are we doing the right thing? Other than that, I wouldn't have the cop use the term 'meat wagon.' It just sounds so cold (pardon the pun). Overall, I thought this really was a strong short that met all of the contests requirements and offered decent structure. Well done -- I'm sure you'll end up near the top.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

You know this is pretty good, I couldn't imagine living in the Iron Range. Doesn't sound fun. I couldn't imagine someone driving up in a blizzard with a newborn either, but I think you explained it enough.

It's a good tragedy. Done right and I think you'll get some tears. Great script.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good title. Very fitting- I didn't have to work to figure it out. Very nice to see only a few characters in the five pages. So many MP shorts have so many characters, it's difficult to follow.

I liked your transition from snow to the air bag.

Your description reads: Back to Cassie. - this sounds like a direction, not a narrative. If we go back to Cassie, there should be a reason. Maybe "Cassie screams".

You set this up well, specifically the love between Dean and Cassie. You could see the end coming a mile away though.

I did enjoy this, and I wish you luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was such a tragic tale and I felt myself wondering why the dad didn't go for help. I dunno, it just seemed unbelievable to me that he would strip down and sacrifice himself in that way. I think with the clothing of Cassie's it would be enough to keep the baby warm, without Dean doing what he did.

I think the story is poignant, but it lacks something, it seems too weak of Dean to just lay down and die. Now who is going to take care of the baby? I would think a father would do all he could to stay alive to take care of his child.

I gave it a good because it was very well written and formatted perfectly. I just didn't care for the outcome of the story. I like happy endings.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Wow! Great story. I don't really know what else to say. Terrific.

You created really simple, believable characters, put them in a dire, but believable predicament, and brought it to a tragic conclusion. And then, very simply, turned it into the story of a man's amazing love for his newborn child. Incredible job. And so simple.

My score: EXCELLENT.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I haven't read many of the scripts this month, but this one could be a winner. Tightly written, fast paced and compelling drama. Made me feel cold.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is well written and very heartfelt. I'm really not sure how well it stands up as a complete story. It seems at first to be a story about these two people getting lost, but then turns 180. I feel the build up is a little weak compared to the rest of the script. A shorter setup and a longer time spent with Dean and the baby would lend more weight to his sacrifice give the story itself the feeling of an epic to save his child's life. One final note: You did an great job of making me feel for Cass. That section of dialogue was great.

GOOD

Vamsee Gadde (Level 1)

A very touching story. Great visuals. I could see everything happening in front of my eyes, until the accident. A little more clarity in the scenes after the accident would have been nice. More care on the format is required.
Cassie's corpse lays alongside Baby. Dean sits between Cassie and the Baby. Is this possible? Tried to visualize but could not.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I think you have a fine skeleton of a story here. I just think it needs more muscle attached to it. Right now it's a story of a couple who get into a vehicle accident, one dies rather quickly, the other hangs on longer, then they are both found dead. It's the middle sequence that fails the story. We really don't know Dean and Cassie. The moment with Cassie being dead and Dean trying to survive and save the Baby is where you need to insert more drama. Instead of having Cassie already cleaned up, let us watch Dean clean her up--may even get a few tears out of the audience. Your ability to draw in a reader with your dramatic writing is apparent, so go with your strength and boldy insert as much drama as you can.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2009 12:04 AM

Congratulations! Great script - phenomenal ending.

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:06 AM

congrats on the placing...deserved better...will be my first designated favorite...thanks..

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:09 AM

Congratulations, buddy! I'm so sorry I didn't get to this one, but I've no doubt you deserve this.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:21 AM

Great job, Brian! Every day in every way, you're getting better and better...

Oh, there's a baby! There's a baby in the story! I should've known it was you. :)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2009 12:24 AM

In the past when lacking a story idea, Brian would turn to Zombies, now it's babies. What I'm waiting for are zombie babies. :)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:36 AM

Thanks for all the great feedback everyone! As always, it's greatly appreciated! I'm glad to see that people enjoyed this script.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:39 AM

Thanks for all the post-contest comments! I'm thrilled to see how much some people enjoyed this one.


@ Chris - Zombie babies, eh? Maybe that can be the requirement for the Feature Contest. :D

"Your script must contain a zombie baby."

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2009 12:41 AM

Hi Brian
I really did like this one, but I felt so sorry for the orphaned baby. I wanted the dad to survive. Great script. Many congrats.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 6:38 AM

Great Job Brian! I think this might have been one of only 2 excellents I gave out. Thanks for your vote of confidence on what appears to be my great flop. :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2009 7:54 AM

Hope this wasn't written from something approaching personal experience! Well done, you!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 8:00 AM

Brian, if you keep this up you won't need any of my scripts again. :)

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 6:11 PM

Shows how much I know about what audiences like, maybe that's why all of my scripts fall short. Congratulations.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 7:24 PM

Congrats Brian! I knew this was a contender!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2009 5:52 AM

Brian, you had several questions about 867-5309, so I'll address them here just in case you don't return to my comments section:
Jenny didn't pull "in to" a dead end alley, he drifted to a stop "at" a dead end alley---I'm going to change it to "in front of" the alley to make it more clear. Jenny let Peg out of the car because her deceseased brother Ellery wanted her to be caught by the Euros--Jenny says this to her right before he lets her out. Ellery knew that Peg would be able to figure out what P-A-I-D meant, and that she should jump into the safe because he left clues for her by referring to gang as Euros, and Kostya as a douche on the CD, and by also saying "dial the number again, and then "find somewhere 'safe' to hide". Peg didn't know that Jenny was going to blow up the cabin, she was just following her brother's clues. She knew 'something' was going to happen. In your comments, you say "I don't know---" Well, if you don't know, then please re-read--it's all right there.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/11/2009 5:54 PM

Wes, I can appreciate you wanting to address comments people made on your script but it should probably be done on the script thread itself instead of here. I still believe that the story seems unrealistic and everything works out all too conveniently, but I scored it a Good nevertheless. In the last sentence of your comment, you tell me that if I don't get it, re-read. In general, I don't do that. Lately, it's because I barely have the time to read through each script once, let alone twice, but in the past, I didn't re-read scripts very often either. My perspective is that it should be clear enough the first time that re-reading it is not necessary. If it's so cloudy that it needs a second reading to understand, then the script needs clarification. I certainly don't think any producer's would bother to re-read a script if it wasn't clear enough for them the first time. Odds are, they'd toss it in the circular file before they even finished the first read-through.

In any event, thanks for addressing my comments on your script.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/14/2009 6:14 PM

Zombabies. just for you Brian. I dreamt something shit scary last night and woke up with that title on my lips and then read this and the title's yours man, as if you hadn't already come up with it.

Look at cutting the first page. You can come in on page 2 without losing anything and that gives you more space to explore what he does.

And why the thin blanket over her naked body - that made no sense to me and and had me going back and re-reading. A few gaping holes but your craft is getting better and better. Love your work. You're the daddy.

DW Pollard (Level 4) ~ 12/15/2009 6:39 PM

Good story. Yes, a little expository in the beginning, but sometimes seemingly necessary in these short scripts when we don't have much time to build things up.

I did feel a bit cheated, though; was expecting a little more of a payoff or twist of some sort. The story was pretty much: "this happens, then this happens, then this happens." It makes us audience members sometimes think: "so what?"

Nonetheless, good job, Brian.