Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I very much enjoyed the conclusion of your script.

I wasn't quite sure where it was going in the beginning. Something gone terribly wrong, obviously. But you got us there in an unpredictable manner.

I like the way in which you incorporated the title with the script.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well with only one typo that I noticed. The story was fantastic! Loved it! The only thing I wondered about was how Jay knew how much a soul weighed. Aside from that one little thing that made me wonder and the typo I mentioned (which I can't seem to find to point out now), I thought this was damn near perfect. You get an Excellent from me. Great work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

They walk past other lab-coated scientist - scientists?

vessels - vessel's or vessels' depending how many there are.

The Lead Scientist points to the other monitor across from the
booth marked with a number two. -is this sort of detail necessary? It makes my head spin trying to envisage where you mean.

jay - capital letter required

I thought that this was very good. My only criticism is the detail of the descriptions of location and x moves here and Y looks there.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I enjoyed this script very much.

Your craft is good and this had strong characters, drama, and tension.

The ending through me a bit though. After reading your script I went googling and found out where the 21.3 came from. I think if I'd known that ahead of time it would have made the script even better. For those who don't know this though, I think it makes the ending feel a little forced.

David Birch (Level 5)

can't believe it...back to back time travel stories...like the twist at the end...never thought about the soul...so, good on ya...if i had to suggest anything, it would be to give your lead scientist a name...he's pretty central to your story, so come up with something really unique and "unforgettable"...but a nice read and a good number for the premise...thanks...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

This was certainly a decent script. A story, a plot, linear story telling.

And of course the soul concept was explored in “21 Grams,” a movie I thought was quite good. Intense, but good.

I still surprises me how much I think could be trimmed from our five page efforts. Extra words, extra scenes, extra explanations, extra stuff. I my opinion little changes, almost always trimming, can really focus and improve a script. That includes things I write too. I go back to my masterpiece of a few weeks ago and cringe at the fluff I left in.

21.3 delves into sci-fi and that’s always a pleasure point for me. I like the volunteer effort by one brave scientist, the concern from another, the unbridled enthusiasm of yet another, and the workman-like attitude of others. It’s just another job kind of attitude. Separate personalities for characters helps a reader and a movie watcher keep track of who is who in the script/movie.

And you know there’s going to be a problem, these results have been seen in some many previous similar movies. The curious part is what is the problem this time.

But another edit would help. For instance Jay’s lines “We don’t know everything. Something could go wrong.” Really doesn’t need to be said because we can see Jay and imply that from his actions. It’s so obvious then that something bad is going to happen. Removing the line doesn’t remove the thought, it just tightens the script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I really like the concept here, good job.

However, you need to cut back on all the technical jargon, just show us a graph printout, or monitor with lines and spikes or whatever. The thing is, your characters Jay and Robert need to be fleshed out a bit more, (and the story) I can't relate much to Robert, and don't feel sorry for him. Good twist, but needs more set-up. There are plenty of things you can do with this concept.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I enjoyed the script right up to the end. How the heck do they know what a soul weighs. Ending seemed forced to me.

One note: "Everything was 100%." When you have a number in dialogue, write the number fully unless the number is a date. So, one-hundred percent.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Good concept and good writing. Opening is a tad confusing. You don't need "lid" - open car trunk is enough. When trunk closes, suggest you just describe Robert and Jay and make each of them distinct in some way. Forget "reveal" - sounds too directorly.

There were several typos/grammatical errors, eg, scientists (not scientist), Jay (not jay), etc. Overall, I liked it, but I think to really bump this one up I would intensify the opening conflict between R and J, so that perhaps Jay creates a massive stink while Robert tries to shush him as they stride down the NASA corridor. You could have Robert be really pissed that Jay is making this easy drill so damned difficult while Jay is freaked that he might lose his best friend. Also, Jay might refer to some other accident that happened without adequate testing and maybe allude to Robert's family having to manage without him, to give a sense of what's at stake.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is pretty good. An interesting story, albeit a bit predictable with the outcome. I knew there will be something wrong with Robert after the transfer, I just didn't know what will be wrong with him.

The setup might be a little too long as the transfer of Robert happens on page four. I didn't mean pushing up the climax, what I mean is there should be something more interesting going on within the first three pages. Rather than Robert and Jay talking, going into the lab building, chatting in the locker room, etc. It's still okay right now, but doing that might improve the story.

The writing is very good. I didn't find any unnecessary details. You described the lab quite well.

I enjoyed this one. A VERY GOOD job.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I really enjoyed the dynamic between the two friends. Robert and Jay felt like real people who know each other very well. That is what made the ending so effective, in that Robert wasn't the same anymore and Jay would have to deal with that. I also liked the idea of traveling back in time and then coming back but not with the soul. It was a nice touch. The action felt a little stale to me though, as if it took place simply watching machines and screens. Overall though, I think it was a nice story.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The script was matter of fact, there was not much atmosphere built in for the characters. I think more time spent on the people and less time on the description of the action would have been better especially since the story was about the soul not being transported. The ending could have more impact if we were more interested in the people and developed more of an understanding of them personally. I think people are pretty familiar with a scene of lab technicians and even of transportation, so there could have been less focus on that action and description. There are ways that this story is similar to another one in this contest called 1-10, with science vs. the intangible. Comparing the two, I think 1-10 sets up the two characters right from the start and makes the reader want to see the outcome and whether or not the main character suceeds. That is the kind of thing that I would want to have for the main character in this story, something from the beginning that draws me in more to him and his situation.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very unexpected and clever ending! Perfect title.
If the contest didn't insist on just #s in the title, might consider making it 21.3 grams.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"I think history will remember you as a disco star" Funny.

When you said "Data. You mean Robert" You forgot to put a question mark behind it. Usually I don't nit pick at little things like that, but the missing question mark completely changes the sentence and I had to reread it like 3 times to understand. (maybe I'm just slow...)

I felt as though this was overcomplicated when it didn't have to be. I had to reread most of it to understand your descriptions. It was too much in my opinion.

And the end, I don't understand why you didn't finish the sentence. They weren't being attacked. It was confusing.

I was wondering what the title had to do with the story but you brought it all together at the end. I thought this was okay...

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Hmmm, the mixture of science and theology always makes for interesting results and your script is no exception. However, if anything is needed to improve your script it would be a bit of kick, some more conflict and excitement throughout rather than just at the end. Also, I think it would advance your script a lot to ditch the "Lead Scientist" character and instead let Jay take over his responsibilities. At the moment it seems that the "Lead Scientist" is pretty redundant, he is a well filled out character that really doesn't need to be, you just need to focus on your two leads.

All in all, I really liked it and I'll be sure to check out what else you've written when the results come back.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Good Job! I think it's interesting that the weight of one's soul is 21.3 grams. The script was centered on this pseudo-fact and ended in a manner that is befitting the title. I like the concept and the direction that you took this in, but the execution was mediocre. Too normal and day-to-day like. There was minimal excitement and considering the fact they were in NASA, the crew working on this project was quite small. It would have been more complete to have also stated the cause of the lost soul, and how NASA was going to correct the problem, yet we still have Robert in the end without his soul - a victim of experimental circumstance.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This is an interesting idea but it just doesn't really have any action and there is nothing that grabs me for the entire script. It seems like you were really just focused on the number and that was it. Again another script where the characters aren't even named. Cmon give your characters personality. Cliched or not because scripts are about people not the idea alone. How does this develop your characters and what's the message what's the moral of the story.

All these things need to be thought out not just clever. It has to move me and if it doesn't then I really don't care for it. So name your characters and read more scripts and I'm not talking about old stuff or academy award winners. Search out recent stuff and genres that you are interested in.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The opening is a little slow for me.

The idea is very creative - failing to transport a soul like that - very clever.
The title is well explained and fits perfectly.

I have my reservations however. I'd like it better if I cared for Robert and I didn't. At all. I'd also want to see Jay's reaction, his emotion, his dissapointment.
It just didn't grab me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cool. Transporting, with a glitch.
Story straight-forward and easy to follow. There is a lot of attention to the machine-like details of actually moving Robert. Wonder if there is some way to make all those buttons, gadgets and screens -- which, by the way, relay a clear picture of the procedure -- more visual. The description is good, but somewhat dry.
Robert and Jay's characters kind of stereotypes. Again, maybe they could be livened up with some personality or details of a personal life. Plus, all those Scientists and Assistants are hard to differentiate from each other.
Love Jay's last line. Clear, concise, and eerie.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A laser can tell you water density? And weight? That must be some ridiculously advanced laser. Just saying. :)

I'm not sure I get the ending completely. A soul has weight? Perhaps you're referring to something else, like a famous quote or famous movie or famous song or something, but if so, I really haven't the foggiest. And that's unfortunate, because clearly the whole screenplay revolves around my understanding and believing Jay when he claims that the weight of a soul is twenty-one point three grams. But I don't, really, and that's too bad.

Since this is a "punchline script", I have to point out that everything that precedes the punchline ought to be quick, snappy, and hurtle us forward towards the punchline. I felt that this script really should be told in about two or three pages instead of the full five, especially because movie-going audiences are already so familiar with tales of space-travel, time-travel, and NASA based awesome technologies. You can get in, get out, and get the story told quickly, since the whole point is that last line.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I am so curious to find out where you came up with the weight of a soul. Is it made up or have you heard of some research? Not that I think NASA is working on that particular, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else was...

I really wish you'd used names for the different lab techs. I can never keep track of number 1's, 2's and so ons. And give these people some sex ID! You want the reader to be able to visualize these people. I've got these androgynous people floating around in my head - and I don't like it. Give me a name, age and gender and I'm good to go.

I love the 'disco star' line. Love it!

I've read this through once, and I don't recall any spelling or punctuation errors. Formatting seemed okay, too. The story was interesting and had me wondering if you were going to pull "The Fly" on me... So glad you didn't. This was a neat twist on that idea, though.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I was into this but I don't know...not liking the ending too much. How in the world can you weigh someone's soul?? It's not even a physical thing. So it just doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry. I mean it's not like in the future they'll be able to weigh it, cus it's not an object. I think you're gonna hear this from more than just me. But I'm scoring you a good based on your writing and the story up until the last page.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You built some really great suspense. The countdown sequence was great, and the first scene of character introduction was good.

The ending really threw me. Whether or not you believe in a soul, how would you weigh it? There are two main philosophical theories about the soul as far as I understand it - that the soul is separate from the physical body, and that they are inseparable, or the soul doesn't exist as a separate entity. Neither of these provide for what you have here, which is the soul being a physical thing separable from the body. It doesn't really make sense. Why would it weigh 21.3 grams? What's it made out of? Where did the soul go? Wouldn't he still have memories if he lost his soul (the special handshake)?

Of course, that's just what Jay says. It would be much better if there was a different viewpoint presented in one of the other scientists - maybe that they didn't transport a vital part of his brain? That would leave it more open to interpretation. The soul could have been that part of his brain, or that part of his brain was just another part of the brain, only more important.

The ending didn't make much sense in the story, but other than that, it was good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Interesting premise but the execution is a tad clumsy.

Your description is way over the top. What I mean is you give every little gesture, which is really unnecessary. This guy looks at that, that guy looks at this, this dude gives two thumbs up. --Not necessary.

I suggest giving Lead Scientist a name. He's too prominent a figure not to have a name.

I think the character of Jay is pointless. He hardly says or does a thing. Strip him out and combine him with one of the lab assistants. In fact, give the lab asistants names too.

A tangent point to that --when using and introducing 'tertiary characters' such as Lab Assistant #1, just give the reader enough description to fetter-out a personality. Think about it... is their age or gender really important? I disagree with those that believe you need to describe the gender and age of tertiary characters. Usually the context is more than enough for the reader to determine those things on their own.

Best regards.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought the writing here was quite good.

For some reason though, and I'm not at all certain why, I found the story very familiar.

The one major criticism I have of this script is about the ending. Sure, it's shocking, perhaps even a bit too shocking because there really isn't any foreshadowing - no reason for us to worry about it - no tension. I also highly doubt a scientist would automatically assume the man's soul was missing.

So, he's lost his soul, then what? You've spent the entire five pages giving us a set-up but then you only deliver a theory. We need to see what losing a soul means.

This script is much longer than five pages, the rest of the pages just aren't written yet.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I really liked this one and it somewhat connected to my own story. I think we think alike. There's some great sci-fi here and the premise is really haunting. But I'm sure you can get more out of it than what you set up here. It reminds me a bit of "the Jaunt" by Stephen King, take that as a compliment. There's something Twilight Zoney about this entry.

I do feel your cast is cluttered, why can't his friends BE the lab assistants? I guess that would strengthen your cast. And make the 'soulsucking' experience a bit more haunting, perhaps some commercial pressure: The machine was a succes, so it will be produced on a massive scale, in turn turning the population into a soulless crowd?

Liked it at it's core, but felt it could use some work.

BEST MOMENT: The ending, twenty one grams, should have seen it coming, haha.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A good cautionary tale about meddling with science, with religious undercurrents, as well.

The subject matter feels a little familiar though, there having been numerous stories touching upon the dangers of developing teleportation in the past, most notably Stephen King's "The Jaunt" and The Twilight Zone's "Valley of the Shadow."

While the two are different stories, this script also shares the same title about the soul weighing twenty-one grams as the critically acclaimed movie that came out in 2003, so there was a familiarity issue there as well, stifling some freshness of this script.

I imagine with something of this magnitude, the lab would have dozens of NASA scientists and government officials, but I understand you couldn't include this into a five page short. But, I might simplify even further, just combine Lab Assistants #1 and #2, or perhaps consolidate them together with Lead Scientist.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall is in order; there are a few typos throughout.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Overall this is well written and I like the tension, as well as the concept. I wonder if some of the early scenes are a little evasive, because we don't know what is happening and yet we are expected to feel the tension of it. Then the teleportation stuff works okay but feels like it is quite a familiar film set up.

"They walk towards the modern building made of glass and steel." - These details about the building may be unnecessary. In general, for me, you might be putting more descriptive detail in than is required.

"Yes. Robert will be broadcast through our quark field to Canopic Two." - I know it is hard to avoid in a Sci-fi story but this is an example of a line in this that feels like exposition to me.

"We transported his body, but not..." - I like the concept of the ending, but I'm not sure that you have established the soul thing in such a way that I'd buy into it. I think a different kind of evidence might be needed.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one fell in line with the requirements of the contest but I didn't care for the execution. I felt that Jay and Robert's exchange outside should have been a little more geared toward some moral or religious aspect for the payoff to work. Also, the Lab Assistants and Lead Scientists are merely voice pieces. Couldn't they be consolidated to two characters or even one? I think the dramatic tension was more about whether the experiment would work and that circumvented your twist at the end. What if Jay agonizes over agreeing to do this, thinking of what could be lost in the process. Maybe he even tries to abort the test. My biggest issue was the reveal itself. Caluclating the weight of a soul? That's just not possible and even worse, not something to be quantified. I'm not trying to make it a religious thing but I thought you were going for the weight of Robert's brain -- that would make the woodeness in his voice ring true. the ending just comes across as inplausable and spoken so on-the-nose that it really left me with an empty feeling. If you consider a rewrite, try to focus on what could be SHOWN as lost. Maybe they weigh Robert and then refer to a chart of organ weight and it reflects 21.3 (probably less for a human but the number is easily changed). Best of luck.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

It was good at points. The plot kind of dragged at points, it just felt like it took awhile to get to the good parts of your story. The teleportation was kind of cool, I like that aspect and I like the whole 21.3 angle you took. Maybe foreshadow that a bit in the beginning. Good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmmm really good. I liked this. I liked Robert and Jay. I didn't know you could weigh a soul? How did you come up with that? Anyway, I thought it was a good story, and the characters are what made it work most for me. With the right actors, this will be a good story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Good story and a very cool ending, but it was kind of a struggle getting to it. I'm not exactly sure why, but it was sort of a difficult read. I think maybe because it was quite predictable (except for the soul part, which was cool). Let me break it down some.

Page 1 was all set-up. It was pretty good, but kinda cliche -- stuff we've seen a million times. By the end of Page 1, we know that Robert is going to submit himself to some kind of experiment that (at least according to Jay) is not really ready for humans.

Page 2 is all scientist hoo-hah and the "handshake", which we'll need later to show that the new Robert is missing something from the old Robert.

Page 3 -- more scientist hoo-hah, and we're starting to realize that this experiment is very much like "The Fly" -- matter transfer from one booth to another. And not exactly ready for humans.

Page 4 -- The experiment appears to be a success. But we know it's not. Otherwise, why bother with...

Page 5 -- Robert doesn't remember the secret handshake. He's not himself. Uh-oh, he's lost his soul. (So he probably doesn't remember how to dance, either.)

That's actually, not a bad formula for a story, but it's been done before, so it's really predictable. What it needs is one of two things. Either, (1) a less predictable set-up, so we don't see the ending coming, or (2) a wildly surprising ending, so that we get sucked in by the set-up and then totally fooled by the ending. Something like that would make this story great.

It's pretty good as written, but it could be really fantastic with a little twist or something.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Interesting premise but a difficult read.

Title: Fits the story. It helps because you're wondering the connection right up to the end. I can't help but think that there is a better title for the script but then again I think the story idea came from the need for numbers in the title, so fair play. 3/5

Characters: Good relationship between Robert and Jay, if a little cheesy at times. I see the relevance in the secret handshake but isn't that a bit 80s? I would have liked you to come up with something more original to show that Robert isn't right when he gets back.
There's a few too many numbers in the character cues. It got a bit annoying by the end to be honest. Why not make this a very underground, maybe illegal experiment, and just have the one scientist controlling this? Robert could be the brains behind the whole thing, experimenting on himself and Jay his second in command. Giving Jay more responsability would also increase the conflict in allowing his best-friend to go through with this and the pain when it goes wrong. 4/5

Dialogue: Good dialogue. Easy to tell the difference between Jay and Robert. The technical stuff got a bit too much for me but given the subject matter that was probably needed. 4/5

Story: Really like the premise that transporting someone has lost their soul. I'm pretty sure I've seen it somewhere before though... not sure.

The fact that Jay knew immediately that a soul weighs 21.3 grams is a bit of a stretch. How does somebody measure a soul and would it have weight at all? Is it an entity? I don't think so. 3/5

I like the idea, but it's just too much of a stretch with the weight of the soul thing. Could use a rethink. 3/5

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This script was well written as far as format goes. The interspersing of action and dialogue kept things moving at a nice pace. You do a good job of creating an obvious and relatively deep relationship between the two main characters. Unfortunately I found the overall story to be lacking. In the end it seems to be an introduction more than a complete story unto itself. After Robert loses his soul, it seems like the questions and the exploration are just beginning. I imagine Jay not believing and searching for a reasonable explanation, while in a sub-plot people attempt to return Robert to a functional human being. It just seems to be much bigger than the five pages. I do like the ending, but the final piece of dialogue by Jay seems very on the nose in light of the success of 21 Grams. Good luck!

GOOD

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Very, very clever story. I wish it would have started a bit faster. The test didn't even happen until 3 1/2 pages in. "Something has to have gone wrong." probably would read better as "had gone wrong". Whether it's fact or fiction, I'm really digging the "weight of a soul" concept. This story could be meatier if either made into a larger piece or tightened by removing some of the conversation teases between the friends. This is the kind of creative story that stays with you for awhile. Thanks!!

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:08 AM

This was my favorite script of the month. Nice job on this one Chris!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 6:40 AM

Wow, this was probably the worst rated scripts of mine. Thanks to whoever the one person was that rated it Excellent, Brian. :) LOL

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 7:58 AM

Ok, so here's the feedback breakdown.

- A lot of people didn't know that 21.3 is the supposed weight of a soul. Some people even wanted to argue that a soul can't be weighed. Well duhh there's no proof it exists, so how can it be measured, it's fiction. Of course relying on people to know the wifes tale of the weight of the soul was a fault, even after '21 Grams' people still don't know this old myth.
- The character interaction was good for some, but most people thought it was boring.
- And to Paul you were dead on, I was going for a "the Jaunt" by Stephen King, type story.
- A few people thought this was a time machine? That one I don't get.
- Apparently I went too heavy on the mundane descriptions and sci-fi jargon. I'm reminded that Sci-Fi isn't for everyone. But I think with a rewrite, moving the expirement from Nasa to a private lab and elliminating the supporting nameless characters I could heightent the tension. Ooo, maybe I can have the dude come out of the thing and then do some bad stuff and his buddy must figure out what went wrong and when he finally figures it out our souless dude sells the technology, so the world will soon be covered with these transporters.

Thanks again for all the feedback. This kind of feedback is why this site is so valuable. Keep it up!