Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This needs to be tightened up a lot. The Guard needs a proper introduction. The dialogue needs to be trimmed down. A lot of the dialogue sounded very expository and/or unrealistic. Too much voiceover. The ending was decent with the reveal of him being an undercover cop, but the story was paced too slowly to be truely effective. Nice effort but this needs some polishing.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You need to name people with capital letters in your action sections when they first appear.

Some of your dialogue and some of your action sections are way WAY too long. You need to trim severely.

mining their own business? Minding.

Not a school yard, definitely not a school yard, He tries to find an answer, trace of hope, anything.- it's better just to say what we see rather than make editorial comments about it. These are YOUR thoughts.

Whatcha wan’t - want

it is urgent - without contractions, this sound unnatural.

I would let all of you fuckwads to just kill each other. Now move along till I crack your scull open. - this is ungrammatical - perhaps get someone to proofread before submission?

Nice twist at the end but the way it was written the whole thing lacked tension. I never felt I knew Manuel.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Is this a zipcode?

No need for a page number on the first page.
First thing I noticed is dense action blocks and fat dialog, trim and compress. Mind you I haven't read them but just from looking I can see they need work. Unfortunately this is what pro readers do.
No one mines their business they MIND it.
Man this is packed with fluff, we get it's a prison and not a school ground, do you need these words. Just like a good director doesn't allow anything in the scene they don't want you should include an extra word that doesn't do exactly what you want.
Why is everyone explaining everything?
Why not fade out?
This could have more impact if tightened up.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

So many grammar mistakes. You should get someone else to proofread your work (I do).

I think it is an interesting twist, but I'm not sure it works or really jives with his V.O. narration. You would think an undercover officer would have more protection than this or if he were really fearing for his life, he would have revealed himself to the guard.

David Birch (Level 5)

very ambitious piece...decent twist at the end...some things to consider...keep you paragraphs to a max. of 4 lines...quick hits...nothing more...if you look in the july script magazine they say "who enters, who exits, and who's carrying a gun"...your description at the top of page 2 can easily be boiled down to 3 lines...i.e. Manuel approaches the guard post in a crowded hallway. His eyes dart in every direction; head on a swivel...that's all you need to set the tone...all the gangsta rap and not a schoolyard is redundant...leave something on the table for the reader's imagination...unless something is out of place, then leave it be...anyway would like to see this on a re-write...good luck...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

There’s a story in this script though I wish it were more clearly shown. I got lost and sometimes distracted reading the too long and too explanatory action lines. Too many times I read about things that were said or about to be said. Too many minute details about activities.

However, again, there is a story, something that’s too often missing. So I have to give the writer credit for keeping me interested even though I did struggle through the narrative.

A good edit would un-bury the story. Characters are a bit clichéd but again, an edit could give them some depth. And maybe a twist or two with the characters, perhaps going against the stereotype if just for an instant, would make the story even better.

And was the cell door open? The prisoner could just walk out? That threw me early in the script.

Good try, keep at it.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is great first page set-up, prison politics always bring tension, the dialogue is a good example of how you can use a little exposition, with tension, in the words and, as you did, with the scene. It generates tension. My only pick with page one, is - Manuel turns away from Billy, makes few steps back and forth and storms out.

I have a little trouble visualizing this scene, does he pace back and forth and storm out? That's what I see. That action alone also adds to the tension in the scene. I mean, make a few steps back and forth? I'm certain Manny wasn't doing a dance move.

So, Manny was a cop, that twist actually took me by surprise. Usually the plant is a tougher hombre.

Don't care for overly long speeches. Need a way to break up Mr Pablo's speech. And, I think this needs some sort of flash back, (or something) to show Manuel's cowardice.

Not bad, good job actually.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Interesting story. Well done. Here are a few comments.

"Manuel raises his head, takes a deep breath and stands up." I would delete the word UP. Ever heard of anyone standing down? Redundant. Remember "less is more".

The CONT'Ds on the dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft you can turn this feature off.

When numbers are used in dialogue, write out the number (unless it is a date). Example; "I would like to help you, but I didn’t survive in this shithole for 20 years by helping people." Should be twenty years.

The first paragraph on page two is six lines. I would cut that paragraph into two shorter paragraphs. Remember, lots of white space!

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Your script was engaging and kept my interest, but I was disappointed in the ending. In fact, I think the two voiceovers on pp. 3 and 5 would be better deleted than included. They do nothing but state the obvious. I assume your switch from Manuel to Micky at the end was unintended. Also, there were several typos and grammatical errors, eg, mining should be minding (p2), lounges should be lungs (p2), etc. Don't forget "FADE OUT." at the end.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

What a tragedy. An undercover cop tries to survive in prison. Good story, although the number element can play a more important role in the script.

You can just introduce Manuel in your first sentence, not just "a man". The same thing applies to your second paragraph where you can just tell us is Billy, 40s, etc.

The characters' dialogue sound real. Their ways of speech sound different. So that's good.

Nothing more I can say. I liked it. Good job!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I think the story was good, but I didn't feel too engaged to the character, which may be due to the ambiguity of the situation, though I do understand why that was necessary to the story. I did like how Manuel turned out to be an undercover cop, but although I understood his plight, the sense of urgency wasn't there for me until his meeting with Pablo. There were a couple of typos (mining instead of minding)but none too glaring. Some of the dialogue also felt a bit cliche, and a couple of the descriptions were very wordy. But as I mentioned, the underlying story was good, there just needs to be a bit of tightening up.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Pg 2 minding not mining.
want not wan't.
Capitalize Warden.
lungs not lounges.
Pg 3 skull not scull.
The fuck me in the ass comments from Manuel seems
out of character.

Good story though.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Sometimes you over explain things. Like for exmaple on pg 2, first paragraph, you go on a about something that can be said in 3 lines or less, other than 7.

One thing, you should try not to put your own opinion in things. "not a school yard" "in this God forsaken place" I know you are setting a tone, but I think you could have done a better job with that.

Here's a cleaner (not necessarily better) way to put that paragraph:

Hispanic gagnsta rap blares through the inmate invested hallways as Manuel scurries through. He catches no suspicious eyes as he makes his way across the prison's jungle, towards a group of GUARDS.

Bottom line, you shouldn't have sentences more than 3 to 4 lines in your screenplay.

I wrote more, but for some reason my computer restarted and it all erased. But this was my main point in your screenplay. Overall it was a good story.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Whilst I could easily admire the advanced writing your script exhibited, I could never quite get past the fact that this seems like the generic prison drama. It featured many of the stereotype characters you see in most prison movies (eg. the cruel guard, the gangs and their leaders, the nice guy who doesn't seem to belong).

You certainly proved you can write, but I would have liked to see you do something new with the prison drama genre because I really felt I'd seen this script several times before.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

This was an interesting short. The dialogue wasn't always as realistic as it could be, which in turn distanced me from connection. Plus you had a corpse giving a monologue which was a novel approach...but then the corpse said "i was gutted like a tuna fish" which was graphic...in a comical way and undid all the intensity you sought to build. Its little things like that that can completely devalue your efforts. You've been warned.Good Job!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Melodramatic prison drama at it's most... melodramatic.
Dialogue is a driving force in a script. While the characters were talking about the right things, the way they spoke was very on the nose. There was no subtlety in their words. I feel as if the whole story, what little story there was, is told completely in needy dialogue instead of using more visuals. You need to introduce all new characers in CAPS and try to eliminate the long blocks of descriptions. The ending did contain a wicked twist, but it was executed poorly. The detectives sounded worse than television cops. These characters need to have original things to say. You have to also make them sound different from each other. Pablo playing a game of chess and not looking at whomever it talking to him while eating his opponent's piece is a scene that has been overly used in so many films. Super cliched. Try to go for more original and unique situations in your scripts.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Alot of your characters sound like news reporters. My eyes wandered constantly. Alot of this story is told through dialogue. Alot. It feels a bit more like a transcript than a movie script for me, sorry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

A good twist, the kind I care for. The fact he's died is a bit disturbing, I would like to see him remain alive. But dead might have a stronger impact on audience.

Dialog is a bit chunky. If you could cut it a little... Also a description could be broken to fewer lines.

Good flow and very good pacing. Good build up to the twist. Good story really. Needs little polishing I think.

Lastly, I think that title is brilliant - you have two names for your prisoner - in the end he is a prisoner 11309. You could even have PRISONER 11309 (V.O.) at the end when he talks. - Just a thought.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Gritty story with tough characters.
Manuel is described well. Probably more impact at the start if Manuel's first dialogue was, "So they are going to kill me. .." Billy's introduction could be moved up prior to his first line, which might be shortened to, "Sorry man. You're a goner."
Boyd and Pablo need some tightening too. Dialogue and description bit overwritten.
The VO isn't necessary. Manuel's musings are explained at the end by the two detectives with his demise. Several instances of description that cannot be seen. For example, "...as if he (Manuel) is trying to find a miracle in this god forsaken place" and Manuel "tries to find an answer, trace of hope, anything." The description inside the horrendous prison is clear, as is Manuel's panic.
All the words are here for a good drama.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The three VoiceOvers from Manuel really add nothing to the plot, and don't tell us anything new about the story. I'd strongly encourage you to remove them, and then I think you'll have a much stronger story, to be totally honest. It takes us away from the "gritty" aspect that the rest of your screenplay, almost removed.

The twist is interesting. The impact of the ending is really destroyed by that last VoiceOver, though, because it drags out the ending for no discernible purpose. Manuel is only telling us what we've already figured out, what we've already been led to think.

For the title to make sense, we need to see Manuel's prison number somewhere. It's far better for the viewer to see it than to be casually told it through dialogue.

Some of your action paragraphs are very "black", too long. And Pablo's speech on page 4 suffers from excessive verbiage as well. In general, I'd encourage you to chop and chop at your dialogue, make it fast and snappy like real people speak, and less like you'd read in a novel or short story.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was good. I like the vibe and the dialog was great. I just feel like Maunel needed a bit more development. We only see him as a scared little guy and it's hard to believe he was an undercover cop. And why was he undercover? I think an undercover cop would be more resourceful in that situation. Why not double over in pain so you have to go to the infirmary? That way he could get the word to the warden that they have a hit on him? So for me the story fell short because I just didn't connect with Manuel's character. I just didn't find him believable.

Your writing style is VERY easy to read and like I said, I dug the vibe. In the end I just didn't connect to the character. Good job though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Good high-stakes prison drama set up right from the beginning.

Wow, great twist, one of those that makes you re-examine everything, yet still makes sense. It's a shame it has to involve two hitherto unseen characters, but there's no way to avoid that. I like how you involve the guard and Pablo in the story, with their scenes actually revealing more information after the twist (that the guards didn't know, and that he was investigating Pablo).

"mining their own business" should be "minding". When you introduce Guard Boyd you should say his name in caps with his description, the same with Pablo. I would also recommend shortening your paragraphs or breaking them up. If you don't, then proper character introduction is needed even more.

"...and his tone of voice changes..."
You don't want to belabour the way Guard Boyd talks, especially if it's meant to be an interruption.

The voice-over doesn't really add anything to the story, mostly just showing Manuel's emotions, which can be seen in what he does and says. The ending voice-over was really unnecessary and very distracting. Unless you've set up the rules of a dead narrator early on, it doesn't really work. You could easily transplant this voice-over almost word for word to the senior detective, and it would be much more effective.

Good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I've read this a couple times now, but I'm still sitting on the fence. The story didn't really draw me in. I knew where it was going from the outset.

While I didn't notice many overt errors in formatting, or grammar and the like, some of the writing, both description and dialogue, was a little strained.

I think that the two detectives at the end should have names, at least the Senior Detective. Otherwise, it just seems too impersonal and matter-of-fact. Actually, I would have rather seen Micky fight for his life. I don't like the fact that an undercover cop snivels like a wimp and then just shows up dead. It just doesn't work.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Strong entry with a lot of sorrow. Hard tale to swallow, but I guess that's prison for you. The writing was alright, numerous typos and it could be tighter, you dwindle a bit on some unnecessary stuff.

Other than that, I liked the premise, maybe you could give a few more hints about him being a cop. Now it was all just surprise ending. I'm glad you didn't show the kill and jumped over it, that made things a lot more interesting. It's a nice story, but I think the voice overs take some of it's power away. There's too much moral pressed in which we could have figured out by ourselves and I think it would have been a stronger story for it.

BEST MOMENT: Poor Micky. Should have seen it coming. Nice twist with him just ending up dead.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

You give a fine effort for a sympathetic story, but unfortunately, there are numerous spec screenwriting, formatting, and typo issues throughout this draft, holding back its potential.

It's hard for us to care for Manuel, even when he's killed in the end, because we know very little about him.

There's no subtlety or subtext to this. There is too much dialogue and most of it felt expositional and on-the-nose.

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing! Good luck!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a good idea for a short script and I like the ending twist and the way it has a clear resolution to it. You are outside conventional screenwriting format in several places and your story is told largely verbally, rather than visually.

At the first point a character appears it is conventional to give them a capitalized introduction.

"Not a school yard, definitely not a school yard." - You have used a slightly narrative description style and this is example of it. This line doesn't help me picture anything that appears on screen. The voice-overs used in this also have a narrative, rather than cinematic, feel for me.

In several places you have used long blocks of text. For a spec screenplay this should be avoided because readers like to see "white space". Typically blocks of text should not go beyond four lines, and recently I've heard suggestions that going beyond two lines should be avoided if possible.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was some raw ernest truth in this. Stil, it read like a first draft and I hope some of these comments will help rather than hurt. Generally, first pages of script are not numbered. Also, you need to complete your sluglines. INT. PRISON - DAY. Even if we can't see sun or darkness, it gives a reference of time. Maybe a few scene later, it's NIGHT and we know hours have passed. When you describe the man on the upper bunk, identify him as BILLY. The Guard Boyd exchange was good. The dialogue rang authentic and I think it was the script's strength. When you describe Mr. Pablo, identify him as well before he speaks but if it's not important how many or what type of tatoos he has, leave those descriptions out. Also, at the end of the script you need FADE OUT. I think you have a gritty, engaging idea here that would benefit from a rewrite and possibly get the attention of someone. I hope you'll rewrite it, correct the typos and format issues and get it out there. I would love to see it made into a film. It would be powerful.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I liked how you incorporated the title, I think that was smart. The script was interesting, you had some long dialogue, that was tough to read. Maybe break it up or shorten some of the lines. I think you can do more with Manuel, it might be better to reveal that he was undercover or whatever he was earlier in the script. I think you can get more emotion out of an audience that way. Good script.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

It would have been nice to see a description of Manuel and Billy- something to set them apart.

I would assume the prison cell was locked, then he just walks out- this threw me a bit.

I liked how you described Guard Boyd, this gives him a characteristic we can link him with.

This script is full of spelling and grammar errors. I won't mark down too much for this (i'm not the spelling/grammar police), but it is distracting.

When introducing a character, you should capitalize the person's name, so it gives the reader a heads up.

A cool little twist at the end. I honestly didn't see it coming.

His voiceover at the end didn't ring true to me though. I would think that he would be tough S.O.B. to be undercover in the prison.

Good luck with your entry!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like what you're trying to do here, but the language just put me off. I know that's how it goes in films like this, but it's hard to read it. Sorry, it's just me.

I don't buy that he was undercover, he'd say something to someone. The powers that be, would know who he was.

And it would be nice to know what he was investigating? Why would a guy go undercover in a prison, to get information, right? I like the twist, but I had a hard time believing it.

The film depressed me. Maybe it was supposed to?

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a pretty good script, but the plot is a little thin. It's kinda like this: a man in prison gets the word that he's gonna be killed. He tries to find a way out, but he can't, so he's killed. The End. Then there's a short epilogue, where we find out he was an undercover cop. I guess that was supposed to be a shocking twist, but it was too late. The story was over by the time you revealed that. For a twist to be really effective, it has to be cleverly woven into the plot, not tacked on at the end.

You did a really good job painting a picture of prison life, especially what prison life must be like for someone who, as Billy says, "ain't prison material". But what this lacks is any sense of growing tension. Manuel is desperate, so he asks his cellmate for help, then a guard, then he finally swallows his pride and goes to Pablo, the cellblock kingpin. But all of this just feels like another day in the life of Manuel -- there's no tension building. There certainly would be for Manuel, but it doesn't really come through so we can feel it, too. So, in the end, Pablo tells him he's gonna die...and he does.

Tension -- that's what this needs. A tacked-on reveal after the real story's over just isn't enough.

My score: GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Interesting story. Like the prison angle, it's fresh after reading a bunch of happy ending family pieces (nothing against them, obviously). Your script however has a few problems that hold it back.

First I'll say that I'm not a fan of the voice over in this script. I feel they can be used effectively, but in this particular script there are better ways to advance character and plot.

Next, your format needs a little work. The huge blocks of description and dialogue are very tough as a reader. The general rule is no more than four lines of description of dialogue per block. These aren't hard and fast rules by any means, but I've never heard of a script that is too tight.

Finally, the dialogue itself struck me as on the nose at times. Billy and Pablo are particularly bad for this. As a side note, I feel I need to point out that nobody asks to join a gang in jail, ever. Doesn't happen. That means cop, straight up. Cheers!

FAIR

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Now that I've read the story, I realize how the opening VO is not accurate: "How did it come to this? How the
fuck did it come to this? (He knows how it came to this--they found out or assume he's a cop). I was
always such a nice guy, (It doesn't matter how nice he was, he knows it's because he's been fingered). and now
this is happening to me. These...
savages... animals..." (He knew they were savages before he entered the prison). This story is not engaging enough to get away with the ending reveal. The dialogue is too expositional--it seems like a stageplay where the characters HAVE to TELL the story to the audience for us to get it. I would rather have had this story have the tone that would make me feel like a fly on the wall--don't give me all the information at once--upon first dialogue you tell us someone's out to kill him. After the story begins, it's Manuel talking--he talks to Billy, he talks to Guard Boyd, he talks to Pablo; all of this talking gives this story a passive tone in what should be an active world. If Manuel knows this could be his last day, then I want to see him fight for survival, not talk about it.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I was hoping for something different than the "cop in prison on assignment" routine, but your story did have some decent bones. Just proofread for grammar, punctuation, capitalization and spelling. Remember, there are no blocks of text in scripts longer than four lines. Furthermore, when introducing characters for the first time, make sure their names are in all CAPS. Regardless, I did like the dialogue - just read it aloud for consistency.

Comments Made After the Contest