Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Nice scene, but predictable.

You foreshadow that the demon is still hangin around, then you put this woman, Rose, in a house that should be empty. We know that she is the demon or the demon will be inside her.

Sorry, but that's the only reason I didn't like it. Thought the dialog was decent.

Ashley White (Level 3)

This one was okay. It was a little predicatable. Maybe not the vampire thing, but Rose being the villain. I think the story could use a little suspense. Especially at the end. Also, why was Rose packed behind a wall? I was a little confused about that. Is that just a part of her ploy? It seems like a lot of work for a vampire.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The second line you wrote is missing a word or something. Always proofread before submitting a script anywhere. Some line spacing seems off. Not sure if more than one line break between action lines is normal, but it definitely bothers the eye.

You're telling us what is happening mostly (where the sounds/screams are coming from). Instead of telling us the screams are coming from the kitchen, try letting us hear a scream while they look around the house and finally come to the kitchen. It builds suspense better than telling us everything upfront.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

First paragraph in to the script and I've noticed 2 errors. Did you proofread this? First it says the "screaming MADWOMAN is being dragged out of HIS house". Then in the next sentence, it says "blank faced policemen who are drag her into...". Philip was leaning against his squad car, then he gets out of it and runs to the house. We can't see or hear Philip wondering anything. How would a director film him wondering? Lots of typos and missed punctuation. Make sure to proofread your scripts. The story itself was okay. I think you had a pretty solid idea, but I didn't feel like it was executed to full potential. It didn't make any sense why the vampire girl would be inside the wall or why she suddenly decided to start screaming for help after everyone had already left the house. I don't know... The story was okay, but the technical aspects of this script need a lot of polish. Luckily, that's the easy part. Just run a spell check, give it a proofread or two and then pass it off to a friend to look over and see if there are any grammar mistakes you may have missed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like single word titles!

I DON'T like

Wall
by

Why do you do this?

This was not bad at allas a story but you really must look at other screenplays so you get a better idea of the conventions used when writing one.

"A screaming MADWOMAN being dragged out of his house. Her
desperate screams are ignored by the blank faced policemen
who are drag her into the police car in front of the house."

So many errors in one opening paragraph! If I were a professional reader this would be straight in the trash pile. You MUST check your work before submission. Why should anyone bother to read it if you can't be bothered to correct your mistakes?

and wonders of this is?

You don't need CUT TO between scenes. It goes without saying.

Your action paragraphs are WAY too long. 3-4 lines at most,please.

Philip needs capitalising when he first appears.

WE HEAR - please don't use we in screenplays, still less in capital letters.

feeling stupid at the thought - how do we know?

cant - needs apostrophe

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I thought this was well done. A little bit predictable but still a nice effort. Nice opening with the Madwoman being drug kicking and screaming from her house. And there was good chemistry between Phillip and Rose. The structure was also effective.

There were a good deal of typos and that made parts of the script difficult to follow. I would definitely suggest a good polish to clean that up.

And I think more time needs to be taken with the ending. I would have like to see more interaction between Phillip and Rose before the big reveal. I think this script still holds a lot of potential. Good work.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

The typos, formatting errors, thick action blocks, passive voice, and long dialog makes me feel like you just whipped this out without a thorough rewrite. 80% of writing is rewriting. It was creative and could've benefited from more time.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

There are so many typos in this script - too many to count. I'm sure you don't mean to, but the message this sends to the reader is that you don't care about this script that much. It really is worth it to take a few more minutes to double-check your work.

As for the story, there are some great visuals here. I love the image of him hacking Rose out of the wall. The twist ending feels a little obvious, but still I enjoyed the story.

David Birch (Level 5)

a few formatting tweaks would move your entry up a bunch...first, you need to have PHILLIP in CAPS the first time he appears in your story...second, its not clear whether Rose is in the scene or we just are hearing her voice...you say "the voice of a young woman, ROSE"...which would indicate that her dialog should be slugged as ROSE'S VOICE, or ROSE (O.S)...nice twist at the end shows you're using your imagination...lots to like with a good rewrite...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, you have the horror, but you lost the tension taking so long in the house.

You need a story for the horror. This could be the beginning, or the end, of a feature - I'm lost. What, when, (you got where) why, how is there a monster to begin with.

Your writing is more for a novel than a screenplay as it is. You have to think visually. You cannot writer what a character thinks. Just write what can be seen.

The title needs work too.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Good story until the end. The surprise at the end bothered me because I didn't see any foreshadowing for what happened.

Here are a few comments.

"Her desperate screams are ignored by the blank faced policemen who are drag her into the police car in front of the house." This sentence has some problems with tense. Probably should be: "Her desperate screams are ignored by the blank faced policemen
who drags her into the police car in front of the house."

The "CUT TO:" between the first two slug-lines is not needed.

"EXT. HOUSE - DUSK" Slug lines should only be DAY or NIGHT. Describe "dusk" in the description/action line.

"Phillip (24) a rookie cop, lens against the patrol car plays a game on his phone." Should be: "Phillip (24) a rookie cop, LEANS against the patrol car AND plays a game on his phone."

The dialogue seems stilted. Study how people talk. In other words: "Who is this?" becomes "Who's there?" And "You are safe now." becomes "You're safe now."

"I cant. I cant get out." You forgot the apostrophe's. Should be: I CAN'T.

I would suggest that the writer rewrite in a more active voice. One way to do this is to try to rewrite sentences that have the words IS or ARE, or words ending in ING. Example: "Rose is sobbing hysterically as Phillip holds her up, as she is unable to stand on her own." Consider instead: "Rose sobs hysterically as Phillip holds her, unable to stand on her own."

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

First of all, it's always important to proofread. Grammer and spelling issues begin with your first sentence. "He looks at the neighbors TV set through a window and wonders of this is where the noise was coming from." How do we know what he is thinking? Screenplays don't describe thoughts, they describe actions. If you cannot see it on screen, don't write it. I found it a bit jumbled and hard to read. Try shortening your descriptions. The more empty space on a page the easier it is to flow through. When someone is talking OFF SCREEN, let the reader know by putting (O.S.) by the characters name. Overall, Good job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I have mixed feeling for this one. First of all, where is the story? All I'm getting is a police officer trying to find Rose, who turns out to be a vampire. This has very little (or none at all) setup, too many events with the same beats (Phillip wandering around the house with no progress), and the ending comes out of nowhere.

This might get boring on screen as we watch Phillip walking around the house for 5 minutes.

Please separate your action/description into nice little chunks, like 4 lines or less because it would be much easier to read.

Nice try though.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I like what you have created, and although in the back of my mind I had wondered if Rose was the monster of your story, I was still kind of shocked when she attacked Phillip. Good set up and a nice ending. I am wondering though if there was a way to distract from telegraphing that Rose might be the possible demon referred to in the beginning. It was still a good read, and I did enjoy it.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I loved the suspense in this piece. I sort of knew she was going to be evil, but still, you kept the tension up very well. Some of the action lines contain the cop's thoughts, which can't really be seen on camera. You may want to be a bit more careful about proofing. The first line of your screenplay has a typo. A woman being dragged out of "his" house. Ouch. Phillip's first dialogue has the line "Please come out" to an unknown intruder. I am not sure if cops say 'Please" in situations like that.

Jason Ho (Level 2)

I thought the dialogue could use a little work, but other than that it really moves along with a nice pace and has some great visuals. Just try to sharpen the dialogue so it doesn't sound too much like a novel. good luck!

Jay Simms (Level 3)

The story wasn't to bad, but could have been a lot better. It wasn't poorly written, some spelling and other mistakes made. It wasn't very scary at all and not enough of a horror story for me. I knew something sudden would happen at the end and was slightly disappointed in it.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Pg 2 - who are drag her. Take out are.

Pg 2 of should be if.

Pg 5 know should be knows.

Pg 6 pull should be pulls.

Describing how he's tracking down where the voice is coming from could help. Right now it seems almost as though he's imagining the voice. If you mention how the voice seems clearer in the kitchen and more muffled in the bedrooms, it could help build the anticipation a bit more for the audience.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The first paragraph is a mess. You said a WOMAN is being dragged out of HIS house. And then "the policemen who are drag her into the police car" You should try not to make mistakes on the first page, and especially the first paragraph. It sort of sets the tone for the rest of your script.

The whole "cut to" thing. No one does that anymore. You're writing the spec script. Agents and producers don't want to see "directions" in the spec script.

You said he was a rookie cop, but how does the audience know that? It was irrelevant to the story.

Why didn't she just bang on the wall so he can find her faster?

Was she supposed to be a wolf or vampire? You mentioned the full moon so I assume a wolf? Werewolves usually go through the full PAINFUL transformation before they attack, but whatever. (I guess twilight and Underworld changed that) If she was a vampire, why didn't she just break out herself?

You should of taken the time to revise the script. If you had done that, this script might of been pretty good.

John Brooke (Level 5)

A shaggy dog of a anticipatory creepy screenplay. I think you spun out the search for the entombed monster wonderfully well. You just kept spinning out the trivia and minutiae of the hunt. Successfully, I may add. You did keep me into the story. Which is actually pretty short more like a vignette that a full blown story with changing characters and moral dilemmas .

Yes it was good and an entertaining movie, with lots of visual material of the kitchen sink variety. This provided wonderful contrast to the amazing exotic change that occurs when the Rose metamorphosis into a a blood sucking bitch.

Rose is definitely a monster that the Madwomen in the beginning of your tale rightly walled up. Which is not very logical when you think about it. Fortunately I didn’t as I raced through your compelling narrative.

Unfortunately you telegraphed your surprise ending by page two with the tip off on page one.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The title's connection to the script is easy to grasp, but is little in importance.
A voice coming from behind a wall will not be so hard to find. Yet, the cop went all around the house, twice it seems, and it took him all that time to figure out where the girl was.

There are alot of small errors throughout the script. In the beginning, it is stated that the cop is leaning against his squad car, then in the next line you have him exiting the vehicle. You need to proofread at least two or three times and look out for these inconsistencies. Also, you need to tighten up the grammar and descriptions. You would benefit from more brief and direct language.

The end left much unexplained. Was she even a Vampire or what? Guess, we'll never know, unless you do a rewrite that takes into consideration all the errors that will be pointed out amongst your many reviews. I like the setup at the beginning with the lady being dragged out and a rookie cop left overnight to guard the crime scene. The screams drawing him in began to set an atmosphere of horror, but it all went downhill from that point.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Cut out the stuff that doesn't drive your story forward also don't overdescribe keep everything short and crisp. Read scripts that respect economy of language buy the screenwriter's bible. Remember keep it short and sweet. An ok story but hard to get through. Spec scripts are online everywhere for you to look at and some are on moviepoet as well. Don't use transitions on a 5 page script it wastes space. 1-2 lines for description and dialogue will make things easier to read. Looking forward to your rewrite.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

A typo in the second sentence "who are drag her"

I liked the story. The dialog is little thick for me and so are the descriptions. You actually could cut half of the dialog, maybe... There were couple of typos throughout.

But again, it's a good story. And you captured the mood, it kind of felt like the cop got interested in Rose...

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing story, with a good twist. So curious to discover where this woman is.
Should break up long paragraphs of description into two or three lines each for easier reading. Not a good idea to have instances of description that are not possible to see on a screen. "...wonders of (if) this is where the noise was coming from; It is definitely coming from the house(.); feeling stupid at the thought."
Stringing the story out as Phillip searches is good. Dialogue could be condensed. Phillips's initial entry into the house might simply be, "Police. Show yourself!"
Some spelling and punctuation errors. Easily fixed, though.
Since the story ends with Rose as a "female monster," may be able to omit the "screaming Madwoman" setup at the beginning. Perhaps one of the neighbors calls the police complaining about noise, so the police investigate. Just a thought...
There's a good story in here.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

First sentence, first impression, wrong pronoun. "madwoman...his house"

The policemen need to be properly introduced, with capital letters.

"leans", not "lens", "can't", not "cant", and so on. And a run-on sentence where Phillip plays a game on his phone.

There's quite a variety of other spelling and grammar errors. I'm not going to list them all. I'd encourage you to have someone proofread your work before contest submission.

Wow, okay, that was a twist ending. Pretty cool. Work on the non-story stuff.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Good title.

I have to say I wasn't sure about this when I first started reading because of the style, but I read it through and it's a good one! You build up the tension, give the audience a release, and then go back to building tension. Nice work with that! I love it!

You have a tendency to use a lot of words to say simple things. Keep your writing tight and clean. Like Chris says - write with an "economy of language." Keep your sentences simple and don't repeat yourself.

It isn't necessary to say that the police are dragging the screaming woman from her house when you just told the reader EXT. HOUSE - DAY.

I really don't like it when someone rewrites my work, but I also understand that they mean well... That's me softening you up for what follows.

"EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Police drag MEG FOSTER from her home in handcuffs. The writhing woman screams -

MEG
The demon has not been eradicated! You don't know what you're doing! Let me go!..

They tuck her into the back of the squad car and slam the door on her screams.

Her face is at the window. Desperate. Slobber coming from her mouth.

MEG
You don't know what you're doing!

The car pulls away."

My intention in writing the above is to show you a different way to write what you've already written, and I'm adding a bit of detail to draw the scene out on screen. You've got a very strong opening image that takes up eleven lines from beginning to end. It isn't going to be on the screen very long, though. Maybe 5 or 6 seconds. The scene warrants more than that. It's that good. Write it out the way YOU see it unfolding on screen. Think about making it last 9 to 11 seconds when you do. Have FUN with this! It's a wonderful scene.

You need to watch your proofing. You're mixing up some of your wording. You use "his house" instead of "her house..." in scene one. Careful with that stuff. It doesn't matter when you're writing for yourself as a director, but it does when other people are reviewing your work.

You have a ton of potential. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was a cool idea but it dragged out a bit. Some of the dialog near the end was weird. Rose went from panicked to calmly conversational.

You need to really proof read your work. You have a lot of spelling and grammar issues. And structure wise there are some problems. Like in your first paragraph you say the madwoman is being pulled from "his" house. Who's house? You have double spacing when not needed and some long bits of narrative that should be broken up. And I'm not sure about the title. It needs something more.

Just keep writing.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You built up a good atmosphere and gave just the right information on the characters to make them work in the story but not stand out too much. That makes it more believeable.

"MADWOMAN being dragged out of his house."
Gender discrepancy.

There were a few minor mistakes of this nature ("who are drag", "lens against", etc.), which another proof-read should fix.

"CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - DUSK"
This might be more effective if you used a minor slugline, to the effect of "HOURS LATER", instead of putting it in action and having.

Although you may be constrained by the page limit, you should try not to have long blocks of uninterrupted action. I noticed a few times you used a double line break when it was unnecessary, so I think you can find space to split up the long paragraphs (over 4 of 5 lines). This will build up more tension.

"WE HEAR the scream again."
The "WE HEAR" breaks the fourth wall slightly by including the audience in the screenplay, distracting attention from what is important (the scream). This is why "we" is rarely used unless it's very clumsy not to use it. "The SCREAM again" conveys the same information but in a more dynamic way. (Same thing for "WE SEE under all the bruises..." later on.)

I liked Rose being behind the wall, and the details about the "blood and gore splattered on the wall".

A standard story told quite well.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I was really digging this script. Yeah... there were a few grammar and punctuation errors but I was hooked into the premise. I really liked Phillip. I enjoyed the way he was smooth but cautious and heroic under the strange circumstances he was thrust into. Unfortunately, what I really disliked was the ending. The twist felt so cliched, given the interesting and thoughtful story you had built.

Grammatically, here are a few examples of what you need to touch up: 1) You say the MADWOMAN is dragged out of 'his' house. 2) Policemen who are drag her... 3) lens against his patrol car 4) wonders of this is where 5) It is definitely coming from the house[no punctuation] 6) open it anyway[no punctuation].

Your narrative (especially near the beginning) could use more colorful descriptions. Things are clear but lack any flair. Almost robotic sounding at times.

This changes while Phillip is walking around speaking to Rose. I think this part is great. The setting is creepy and I enjoy how Phillip makes small talk to calm Rose while he is actively searching for the sound of her voice. However, I do think you need to add some element during this part that raises the stakes. It drags on a little bit. Maybe have Rose tell him that she hears something else in there with her. This would grow our sense of impending danger and make the situation grow even more desperate.

Like I said earlier, I really couldn't get with the surprise ending. It just felt like a cheap gimmick to end the script with a twist. It also leaves too many questions about the backstory instead of just enjoying the rescue of Rose. This is just my personal opinion though. I think you've crafted a great little script. Just a few tweaks could really make it outstanding.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

No major format errors noted.

Needs edit pass for pronouns, extra words, word choice, missing apostrophes, spelling. Avoid passive voice and 'to be' construction, which rob your writing of immediacy and color. 'We see' is a red flag for some readers; try to find other constructions. Tightent excessive action text and description - strip it down to the minimum. Character names are all caps on first introduction for speaking parts. Dialogue CONT'D is out of fashion. If the scene is on Phillip in the kitchen, how can we see the wall breaking inside the pantry with Rose? Rose's dialogue seems inappropriately flowery and formal, in fact, all dialogue is somewhat stilted. Final twist needs to be supported by the story; Rose being a vampire just comes out of left field despite the warning about a demon. Why did the madwoman lock a vampire in a closet? Also, we need a reason to care about what happens to Phillip; we need to see him as a person. Even a small human moment while he guards the house would do.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Like the title, and I'm ussually not one to point out spelling (because I think it will get patched during revisions, and otherwise overlooked), but do better on your first sentence. You need to hook people with it, the typo's overlap the intrigue.

Like the pacing and the dialogue in this, really natural. It's a cool story and I expected another type of twist. I expected him to find her dead (as a corpse) within the wall and he had been speaking to her spirit all this time. The whole fang thing came out of nowhere so I don't think that's as good an ending. Love the personalities and the entire story. Good work, thanks for the read.

BEST MOMENT: Rose her dialogue, seems really strange yet entrancing. Well done.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

You give a good effort here and I appreciate you incorporating a surprise twist-ending, but I must confess, it becomes very obvious from page one that Phillip is being lured to his death by the woman screaming for help (Rose), much like the Sirens of Greek mythology.

There are also numerous spec screenwriting, formatting, and typo issues throughout.

A lot of the police procedure and Phillip's dialogue and actions as a police officer are not accurate.

The title is also a little bland.

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing! Good luck!

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This is well written. The beginning had some mistakes, but the middle really made it great. The dialogue was fantastic. I think you can do better with the ending though. I don't think she neccesarily has to have the whole fang thing. Possibly look at different directions for that. That's really my only gripe to a well written story though.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Some grammatical errors that made the story harder to follow...But then some of the action phrases were easy to read...So maybe yu just need to go back and proofread.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a good because the first couple of pages were really suspensful. The image of philip walking through the house, trying to find someone, was scary to me. Put some creepy music in there and wow, I would be scared.

Then towards the end, I got to thinking.. wait.. the assignment ... female killer, so then I thought, well Rose just has to be the killer then, and it spoiled the twist at the end, because I was expecting it.

It seemed to come out of nowwhere, that she was a vampire. As I said before, you created a very spooky feeling at the beginning, it was the ending that was a bit of a letdown. With some work, this could be really strong.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A vampire. Surprise! This is the second vampire story I've read today that waits until the last paragraph to reveal the big vampire secret. That means about 95 percent of your story is set-up and the last 5 percent is the punchline, so the punchline better be good! But, unfortunately, it's not that good, because we knew it was coming. When we get that far into the story and there's been nothing else but Rose's voice coming from behind the wall, what else could it be? There must be a surprise waiting for us. And what else could the surprise be? Rose is trapped behind the wall for a reason -- she's evil. Then it's just a matter of waiting to see HOW she's evil. In this case, she's a vampire, but she could have just as easily been a werewolf, a slimy alien, a snake woman, an atomic mutant, an evil genie, whatever. You can't write a story that's entirely based on a last minute reveal like this. We've all seen it before. A story, especially a horror story, needs three things -- surprise, suspense, and satisfaction. You have a little bit of suspense, but absolutely no surprise, and therefore no satisfaction.

Okay, enough of that. On another note -- watch the typos. Proofread!!! I read somewhere that many professional screenplay readers will read until they come to the first typo. You have two typos in your first block of narrative...one of them is in your first sentence! "A screaming MADWOMAN being dragged out of his house." (Should be "her" house.) And "...who are drag her into the police car..." (Should be "dragging".) There are AT LEAST eight typos on the first page alone. Not good if your screenplay happens to fall into the hands of one of those readers who hates typos. Proofread! Or get someone to proofread for you.

Anyway, not a bad idea for a story, but it needs some zip. A long set-up with a last-minute (and very predictable) punchline is not enough. And fix those typos!

My score: FAIR.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. Some are understandable and can be fixed with a read through, but the ones here are pretty obvious and stand out like a body inside the wall.

You had a lot of searching going on in this piece, there wasn't a whole lot of suspense or scare tactics. Not that all horrors need them, but the idea of a horror should at least have a feeling of dread. This was a little more light than one would expect with a scared woman in the wall. Instead, she seemed unusually chipper and the officer was unusually "funny" with his questions like, "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

Fair effort. I think you really need to give this a thorough comb over and not the kind older men have on their head.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I think this is alright. The story moved along at a decent pace, but in the end the twist fell flat. It seemed like tons and tons build up for an ending that was very obvious. On top of that I think you've got a little work to do on your format. Some of the descriptions and dialogue blocks could be cut back. The general rule is no more that four line per block of dialogue or description. Also, cutting description with dialogue can keep the script flowing and the reader engaged. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There is potential here... but a lot needs to happen to make it really work.

First, there are several spelling errors and wrong word errors. In the very first line you wrote:

A screaming MADWOMAN being dragged out of his house.

She's a woman... should it's "her" house, not "his" house.

That may seem picky, but come on... this is the first sentence! Read. Reread. Tear your stuff apart before submitting it.

You pretty much rely on a single slug line for almost the entire script. When he changes locations, you should use a new slug line.

Rose... so... is it dark? She says the same thing SO many times. You really need to make sure every word counts. You could cut 50% of the dialogue easily, leaving room for more plot development, characterization, etc.

When it comes to him not being able to locate Rose, he would have been able to find her in the wall in two seconds. Sound doesn't 'float around' like that. If she were behind a wall, her voice would be muffled... and if he moved to another room, he'd know he was moving farther away and come back.

Now if she'd been a ghost or something, then the voice could follow him without her being seen. But that's not the case.

Ok... now for the ending. What the heck? That made no sense at all. Rose suddenly becomes a monster with no

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Typos: "who are drag her into", and "lens against the patrol car"

Rose says the word "dark" 6 times in only three pages, gave it too much of a deja vu feeling. This is 4 pages of a policeman searching for a voice in a house; not too compelling, although it could have been if pages 2-4 didn't seem repetiive. I figured out early on that something was up with Rose, so I was hoping the story up until the end would be exciting and original, but it just didn't land for me.

Comments Made After the Contest