Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I think this script had a lot of potential. The attention to detail was good. The descriptions are perhaps long and I think could be pared down some. The fear did come across but it just doesn't go anywhere. I was hoping they would get out of the trench some so it became a bit boring when nothing happens outside the trench.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This is interesting. On the one hand, you've used a setting that's inherently dramatic. Your writing is solid, although I feel the descriptions are overwritten. You've addressed the monthly challenge by having a character with a fear of rats. And yet... the script didn't work for me. I think you hold your audience away from Brayton. I knew that I *should* sympathize with him, and I did. But only in an abstract way. I think in order for this script to work, you need to make your readers feel Brayton's terror. Feel his exhaustion. Instead, you kept the focus more on Fillister and Connoch, at the expense of the drama and pathos that the setting deserves.

If you rewrite, consider starting off with Brayton. Make him the focus; or if you're going to make Connoch the focus, have him at least make a connection with Brayton so his outburst at the end will have some power.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

This is well-written. Good job of painting a picture, and immersing the reader. However, I think it would have also helped your story if you arranged the ending so that Brayton was compelled to confront his fear of rats at the end.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I thought this was pretty good. Good writing, good description, obvious phobia, entertaining. Good work. Very well rounded script.

Carolee Eubanks (Level 1)

I am not a fan of war scenarios, in general, but I found this to be very compelling. I like the imagery descriptions and the direct application of the concept that some would rather die than be confronted with the things that frighten them most. It was not a pleasant place to be, but very evocative.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm thinking these soldiers were British? Some of their dialogue was very American - especially the use of the word 'gotten.' I have a feeling, too, that the use of the word Jerry was more Second World War than First - I believe they would have said Hun, not Gerry.

Sorry to be picky like this but I work for the Commonwealth War Graves Commission!

I liked the portrayal of Toby and the fact that he'd rather face death than stay in the trench with the rats.

The descriptions of the trenches were accurate but somehow as though they were from a history book - I mean, they didn't disgust or terrify. (Maybe that's because I spend a lot of my days dealing with such matters and have become a little more immune to the horror?)

Good ending (well, not for the soldiers, but you know what I mean!)

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was great.

I loved that you didn't let this story get mawkish. It was simple and true. A good young man, so paralyzed by his fear, that he gladly accepts a suicide mission.

I loved the characters and the way we start and end with Connoch and Fillister, witnesses to the madness of it all.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

A good snapshot into the life and times of the WW1 trench soldier. The characters were clearly delineated and stepped off the page. The dialogue seemed a bit cleaned up, a bit on the nose, but remained consistent throughout. Couldn't help wondering, though, if the rat imagery could have been more closely linked to both the story arc and to the cruel insanity of trench warfare.

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

A little confusing.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Really brought the reader to the era - very good scenes and descriptions of people and place. I liked the story...until the end. I would like to have seen Brayton do something about his phobia rather than it simply leading to his demise (as most with phobias figures it will do to them); I felt a little let down.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A bit too much description.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Very well written and formatted.
The fear is there but only minor.
The story however, is terrific and would make a great start to a war movie.
Well done.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

This either required a lot of research for the setting to be so well-described--or a very convincing imagination. Strike the smell description, since it can’t be filmed. The situation was sooo awful, and the characters so likable I don’t want to think about it. Neat Looie needs a bit earlier intro so more angst can build on whether or not the boy will volunteer for the suicide mission. That Connoch and Fillister begin and end the episode was excellent packaging. A real Bill Mauldin humorous futility to this even tho he's WWII and this is WWI. Grunge is grunge.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Good job. I liked the dialogue. However, the descriptions tended to be a little longer than necessary. They should show, not tell. Instead of telling us that the trench smells terrible, try showing it, maybe by having a soldier cover his mouth as he passes a body. Otherwise, the audience doesn't get it and the reader is merely distracted from your great dialogue. Otherwise, well done.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

A nice slice-of-life wartime.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

A well told story. I like the fact that the young soldier is so terrified of rats that he'd rather face enemy fire. Still I would have liked to see if he made it back to the trench or not.

One thing, I don't believe in the slugline you would put a period after THE TRENCH.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The trench was a good scenario to force your character to confront his worst fear. And it was described with some interesting details that added realism to this tale.

I can’t find anything wrong in the execution of the story you wanted to tell, although I must say, I wasn’t thrilled by the premise. The set up was fairly good, but there isn’t any surprise or twist in the escalation of the conflict and resolution to make this one stand out. Or maybe this kind of story is not my cup of tea.

On a technical note, avoid describing things that cannot be recorded by the camera (like the stench from the bodies).

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

It might be that I am not particularly fond of the war genra but to be honest I'm not entirely certain what the story is here. The writing is top notch and there is some excellent atmosphere and characters, but the story - to me - seems so simple and so undramatic. I would have liked to have seen more drama.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

A proper dilemma here! Brayton has two equally unacceptable alternatives (stay with the rats or go over the top) and must chose which horn he's willing to get himself impaled on. I have to admit, I was so caught up in your writing that I totally forgot about the contest requirements. The phobia worked into it so well!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

A good story I thought.

A bit overdescriptive at times. Try to keep action paragraphs to no more than four lines at the time and you can omit descriptions that a camera cannot capture.

You did good with showing his fear of rats and I felt for him. I felt sad that he had to die, but I guess the story basically was about avoiding his strong fear of rats by putting himself in a situation that was less scary to him, but more dangerous and as a result had to pay the ultimate price.

Good job. Reminded me some of Black Adder, minus the comedy.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Interesting when you finally got to the phobia. The descriptions were too long and you could have cut them way down and developed why Brayton would rather go into no-man's land than face the rats.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting. My Bristish history is limited but I liked a lot of the presentation here. The depictions were very visual. Some things, like "stench" are tough to convey but the trench descriptions were rich and well done. I thought Brayton's phobia was well presented and it spoke volumes that he would accept a dangerous mission just to get away from the rats but the end of the story didn't bring any resolution. Was Connoch taking out his anger on the rats? I thought it was a very vivid script, rich with description but I didn't get the message or tone you wanted to convey with the ending. I also wanted Brayton to have to jump over or get past a large rat in order to fulfill his mission, not just run away from them. Interesting piece though. Thoroughly enjoyed the writing.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Nicely written. You set the tone right away. I felt like I was in the trenches. The rats gnawing on the leg was an attention grabber!

I liked the structure of the story. There was a clear beginning, middle and end.

I liked how the shells made the trenches bright as day. That was a vivid description.

The end was very clear but a little predictable.

Although there was a lot of military/WW I jargon, I had no trouble reading the story. It didn't slow me down at all.

very good story.

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Mmmm. Nice work. His phobia of rats got him killed. Brave enough for war but scared of rats. Works for me.

Well written and very visual.

But.

Wouldn't someone in his family had warned him about the rats on the battlefield?

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

"If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields."

From what I have read about the trench wars, most soldiers lasted merely a few days since they first joined their fellow allies in the trenches.

I think you set the mood extremely well through your descriptions but they could be trimmed up a bit and more room could be made to see the men in brief action. Especially describing scents of dead men and horses would be difficult to convey and it would be better to see, than to fictionally smell the dead.

Making Connoch and Fillister an audience to the proceedings puts us in their shoes and they are excellently written here. This however made me feel detached from Brayton's plight and I felt that it was a good thing that his suffering ended.

So when Connoch vents his ire on the rats he is purging his rage and in turn doing the job for us, whereas we need to take something back from watching this experience on the screen.

Great foreshadowing with the rats chewing on the leg sticking from the mud. I wanted one scene where perhaps either Connoch or Fillister try and make Brayton confront his fear, by killing a rat, or maybe trapping a live one and asking him to kill it which probably sends him over the edge.

Technically this was fine.

Should be a contender.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Your story was just okay for me. Seems your descriptions were overwritten. You could go back in rewrite and shorten them and make them better pictures. Show us what is happening vividly.

At one point you describe a smell. That is something the audience won't smell. They can only see it, so you have to get them to visualize the smell. Try pictures like this, month old rotting body parts infested with maggots. Flies everywhere.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was a very good story. I recognized the fear of rats in the story, but Breyton never confronted his fear. Everything flowed, the descriptions were very imaginative and the action was steady. I would have liked to see how he overcame his fear.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

I would give this script an A for research but probably a C for character development. I feel that the characters are kinda flat throughout -- maybe it's because they're talking all the way and the only kind of action is them crunching lice or whacking rats with a shovel.

The backdrop of the war feels extremely real. That's a character development there. Perhaps if you've added some elements of a gunfight or death that's linked to Brayton's fear of rats, maybe that might help put some focus back to the phobia bit and strengthen the characters a little more.

Overall, great setup and exposition on the scenes. Loved it. :)

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Why are you describing smells in a screenplay? Think about it. The whole 'show don't tell thing.'

The details of a WWII trench/soldiers etc. should not be explained in such detail. It's not the job of the screenwriter to do so unless the detail is somehow taking part in the plot.

I like the concept, that a man would be so petrified and miserable living amoung rats that he would rather die at the hands of the Jerries.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

A brilliant contrast between what Brayton fears and how he would rather face what everyone around him fears. Descriptive writing had no apparent flaws. As a viewer I would be drawn in by the dark visuals and stank evironment, then Brayton's fear would keep me there. A part of me would have liked to have been with Brayton on his journey to death rather than still in the trench. Which makes me also want to have been with Brayton entering the trench for the first time rather than Brayton entering the other soldier's story. Having been with Brayton's POV throughout the story would enhance it even more. Great script.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the story was communicated well. A war short of 5 pages with a phobia attached is very tough to pull off, especially with the setup, mood and characters involved. You did a very good job with it.

I did want more of a connection with Brayton, which I don't think is possible with the subject and page constraints.

One of the first scripts that I read where the phobia was apparent.

I'm not so sure about the actual orders and how they would be communicated with the Lt. actually leaving the trench with Brayton, rather than another soldier. It seemed unconvincing to me, though what the heck do I know about WWI English soldier protocol... just a feeling.

Imagery was very good. I'd breakup some of the longer passages with a bit of white space. Good job and good luck.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I liked the British understatement in this. Reminds me of Journey's End and all that. The phobia is well placed, but it is not used enough. Maybe it's "Anything to get away from these damned rats!" That would motivate that final rage better.

there seems to be a little sag at the center. I feel that each scene should build on Brayton copes with a world filled with rats. Each scene should show that beginning phobia getting worse and worse until it motivates Brayton to get out of there, if just for a little while, even if it means his death.

Nice color and detail. Good work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 3:11 PM

This was one of my favorite scripts this month.

It all felt very real to me. A true story about the horror of war without going over the top. I admire your restraint.

Very well done.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/3/2007 2:47 PM

This was one of the best scripts that you have written for moviepoet, in my opinion.

A lot of research went into this and it shows. Great stuff.