Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This started out really funny, but then it got kinda sad. I'm not really sure what your intention was. Still, I'm giving it a very good because it was interesting and well paced and kept me in suspence. I like the sympathetic, old lady killer that goes against type.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Were you going for a voice over over black? If so, there should be indication of 'over black' or 'blackness'. If not the voice over should be within the first scene. Some parts were told through dialogue, thats the risk with so much voice over.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There's a lot of passive writing here. Avoid using the word 'is' in favor of action verbs. A couple typos and spacing errors that I noticed. Your writing style is nice and tight so that's good. The story itself left something to be desired. We've basically got five pages of a lady talking about her plans to commit a murder and then she kidnaps a kid at the end. While that is okay, there's so little actual story there that this script could have probably been shortened to one or two pages quite easily. The major logistical flaw in the story is that she spills the whole bottle of chloroform in the back seat and then gets in the car and drives off a few seconds later. In reality, that car would have crashed within a block because the chloroform on the floor would have knocked her out too. That's a pretty glaring gap in logic, but it's one that is easily remedied by just omitting that line from the script. Nice effort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing opening.

I don't think you need to capitalise Frank, since he is only mentioned, doesn't appear.

I'm wondering if we could SEE the implements rather than have her tell us in VO?

make sure you are consistent with spellings - Marilyn, Marylin...

It was an interesting story idea but I felt it was executed in a way that made it feel very flat - especially the end which fizzled out to nothing.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I would say on the surface that this isn't horror, but once you get into the story it is quite horrifying. I freaking loved it! This is my second Excellent!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was creepy.

I think it was a fascinating choice to follow this old woman who has a desire/need to kill. But in the end, even with all her talking, I don't feel like I understand her at all. Maybe, it is because she talks so much. Perhaps there is a way to do this more through visuals, and to show us other moments that help explain how she has become this monster.

Still, your craft is good and this was an interesting character study of a killer.

Christopher Nash (Level 2)

A very interesting take on what the sit requested. I won't lie though, I was very happy to read your "twist" at the end but even more sad there was no killing at all. In a way, it doesnt feel even a coplete sample. The voice overs were fun to read as well.

I think some of your descriptions were too plentiful. It seemed as though you described the same thing after almost every line of dialogue.

I also think you should've added a voice over while the mother touches the baby. It would have really made her creepy but then again, perhaps you were playing with a pysychological aspect there.

Other than these few petty siggestions I loved the script very much. You were able to write a disturbing story without spilling blood much less gore and that made this a fun read.

Keep it up and take care!

David Birch (Level 5)

the images were done well, but i didn't feel much of a story here...she was creepy enough, but she seemed more like this was her first killing than her third...motivation???...and why go to the park to pick her prey?...did something of significance happen to her earlier?...was there a previous tragedy that happened in her life with a salesmen/boy???...we need something to tie the events together to make it a story, otherwise it is just a well crafted scene...just a few more ingredients and you're there...

Dino Julius (Level 1)

You should work more on your story line, because the park scene seems boring in moments and gives you the feeling that your glued to that place. Your character back story is underdeveloped, so the motives seem to be fake. There are some sick moments, I suppose that's good:) Try to give your story more adrenaline, good luck!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Alright, where's the horror? Nothing happened but a kidnapping for me. So this gal has killed people and wants to do it again?

I didn't see the motivation, your character needs to be fleshed out some more, and not with voice over. The voice over made me groan, and then you have this woman talking to herself, double whammy.

I didn't get this much, sorry.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

Marilyn's opening voice over completely drew me in, good job! I thought that this was one of the most successful script for this month. It's another one that I feel a producer could pick up and produce as-is.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I enjoyed the story very much. Very imaginative.

"Marilyn gets bored." Show don't tell. Show us bored. Is she fidgety? Yawning?

If you can say something with less words, then do so. Example: "A man and his dog run out to the field in front of her. The man is tall and muscular." I would suggest that these two sentences be combined into one. Consider: "A tall and muscular man and his dog run out to the field in front of her." Also capitalize MAN and tell us his age. Is he 23 or 83?

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

I've found it's almost always a bad idea to start off with someone talking over a blank screen. FADE IN? FADE OUT? Instead of her talking about her first murder, perhaps show it. All of this talking about killing, leads up to her harming an innocent little boy? "Marilyn gets bored.", how would you film that? How about "Mary yawns, looked at her watch.", that SHOWS that she is bored. I also saw a few mispelled words. Proofreading is key. Good job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Sorry, I can't see much of a story here. An old lady talks about her desire to kill people, and then she hurts a baby and a boy. There seems to be no beginning, middle, or end.

I think you should cut out some of the V.O., there are too many of them here. It's overkill. You wasted one full page with that to deliver exposition. Isn't there more surprise when we actually SEE an old lady is trying to kill someone, instead of hearing it beforehand?

I think you can also take out the mother and the baby. It's filler. It didn't change the state of the old lady in any way. You should focus your story on the little boy instead. I want to know what happens to the little boy afterward. Will the old lady kill the boy? Or are there some surprises?

It's a shame that you focused your story on the wrong elements. It's an interesting idea. An old lady killing people. But the execution needs some work.

Good try.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

It was very interesting to have a little old lady as your murderer, and you did give her motivation. I liked how she had to be very selective, as with size and strength, because it added a little reality to it. There were also some good moments of comedy, such as the spilling in the car. However, I think the voice-overs are a little too wordy, and it seemed liked she talked way too much. I'm a lover of dialogue, but this seemed like a bit of overkill. Overall, I think you had something here, although it wasn't quite as scary as I would have hoped.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I like the title, and the open setting makes it creepier than some of the more traditional horror settings. The way the killer neatly catalogs her supplies is a classic character moment. Bravo. Suspense is handled well, especially with the baby who gets a reprieve. The last line "I can have this"' pretty much sells the motivation that I was not quite buying until then. There's a typo in the action line about walking across the parking lot.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I liked it right up until the end. It didn't feel like an ending at all. It kinda just left me hanging. Wonderful characterization of Marilyn. I particularly like how the baby's mom became frightened by the change in Marilyn's expression.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

read the first V.O., love it so far....

The old lady contradicted herself by saying that she has been planning this for quite a while, and then she says that she doesn't really know how she plans on doing it.

Did the chloroform fall in the backseat or the ground? Either way she would of been effected by it.

Aww... I thought you were going to show the killing. But you didn't and that's okay.

There were a few grammatical mistakes and some plot holes but overall it was a good script. Not very exciting though. The baby part was cool. If she had jabbed at the baby and missed or something, then it would of turned into a more interesting story, in my opinion.

John Brooke (Level 5)

This is definitely a horror story, no doubt about it. Truly sicky tale of the ultimate female depravity. Nothing motherly in this one.

Your ingenious opening and mundane descriptions belied the creepy life taking desires of this demented old woman. Deadly calculating and bumbling creature that your have wrought.

Very unusual to have no visual reference for your opening. Is the dialogue to be rendered over a black setting, or what?

I do like the idea of seeing the action in the park vignettes and then inserting your movie title as a SUPER.

All that preliminary innocent activity works so well contrapuntally to the diabolical thoughts of the sweet voice old woman’s spoken plans and preparations. That worked wonderfully for me.

All Marilyn’s string of failures and trials leading up to that fateful moment of success in luring and capturing the helpless little boy was a wonderful contrast and it sure lured me on too.

You generated a fearful apprehension, and I kept hoping that Marilyn would fail in her cold blooded strategy of murder.

Definitely a modern physiological rendering of a Grimm tale.

It reads effortlessly; ‘like a walk in the park.’

A lovely sweet giveaway at the end.

Good and maybe better, you got my skin to crawl. I promise to crawl back later for another look.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

While the narrative is very good, it does little to move the story along. It took so long to get to the eventual 'punchline' that when we got there it felt sort of uneventful. The old lady, fumbling with her 'tools' and putting the youngboy to sleep was not climatic in the sense that it instills fear, but still managed to entertain and shock.

I felt bad for the poor little bastard that was being taken away by a bumbling hag who can only remember a murder as her fondest teenage memory. This premise started everything off great, but the next four pages suffered from a lack of a convincing set-up. I can see that the attempt was to portray the old lady as a cunning and devious woman who has harbored these feelings for a lifetime. Somebody like that would surely be dangerous although they do not initially appear to be so.

I like the concept, but the execution was a bit boring. I wish it were more exciting. The baby incident did not really do anything other than show her to be a weakling going after other weaklings. She is a deadly and calculating old biatch and should have been presented as such to maintain consistency. She said it herself, 'nothing much really left' in her life, so the shift to evil shows that she's a psycho!

On the other hand, her observation of the muscular man was excellently done. You should have done more of this, intertwining the narrative around her observations and calculations, then finalizing it with the unexpected finding of the perfect victim for her. A solid story with great potential. Very Good Job overall.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Too much talk. Too much voice over. This goes really slow at the beginning. The ending is sort of anticlimax here. Why you went to huge lengths to confess to us what she did. Insert Title. I don't know why that's there. The voice over's could be alot shorter a whole lot shorter. There are no real characters here and no real characters for drama. Just nameeless folk that she meets no story to them. This was sort of boring for me no twist nothing that really shocked me or anything different.

Ok there was one scene that held some drama but it didn't really save the script for me but I'm feeling good today so I'll bump you up to a good.

Kevin McDonald (Level 2)

I thought the woman with the baby was done for! That poor boy scout. If only he had eaten all the candy himself. This scene was extremely easy to picture in my mind. I've heard people complain about narration but I thought that it was fitting for this scene. It's weird to imagine someone waiting 40+ years to start killing off of a blood lust they acquired when they were a kid but then again...

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a good, well written story, I think. Chunks of monologue - was a bit hard to imagine her say all that since the action lines are so short. Would she have the time to say all that?
I'm missing a background story - killing two people in teh past and always wantignn to do it again doesn't do it for me.
Other than that I liked it.

p2 "People jog, bike and rollerblade passed her." - should be 'past her" perhaps.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Apropos title, and terrific job with the setting. Really like that there are people, places and objects that belong in a park -- birds, trees, a jogger, a stroller -- actually described in this park. Makes reading more interesting than simply, "A PARK."
The Old Lady main character, Marilyn, is dressed and described well. She may not need a name; referring to her as "Old Lady" reinforces how horrendous it is that this senior is a killer or a child abductor. Might be nice to assign the Lady with the baby something visual -- what she's wearing, expensive stroller, or baby in pink. The enthusiastic LITTLE BOY (all caps at first introduction) is dead-on accurate, a parent's nightmare as he follows the Old Lady to her car.
Don't think the V.O. is necessary. Thought while reading that everything Old Lady talks about could be slowly unveiled as description or action. The impact would be greater as the reader, and the viewer, would not be privy to what she's going to do until she does it. Show her pulling out the zip-ties, plastic bag, etc. Maybe, she places a hankie on the bench and puts her "supplies" on it, like a neat-nick. The steak knife could be revealed for the first time as she touches the baby. Just a thought...
Probably not a good idea to address readers and viewers, "I know what you must be thinking" or define where the title should go (INSERT TITLE).
The snatching of the Little Boy is a good example of showing what Old Lady is doing, instead of telling via a V.O. Strong visual ending, the "box of candy...tipped over in the parking lot."
Easy to read and entertaining.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I don't think it's quite right to capitalize people's names in dialogue. Proper introductions need to take place in the action paragraphs, from what I understand.

Marilyn does so much talking! She elaborates all of the things she's brought with her. Seeing is believing. The script is too VO and dialogue heavy for my taste on page 2.

Marilyn doesn't talk like an old woman. She breezes on about buying things on Ebay, talks about maglights, etc. Old women generally don't use Ebay, call maglights "flashlights", etc. Her voice sounds much younger than she should be.

I thought you might pull a twist on us, where the old lady on the bench is the one who's actually going to get killed, while Marilyn (the person who's talking) is actually off in the bushes planning it all.

Why does Marilyn look at the baby in disgust? She's already shared with us that she had children of her own, so I don't understand that reaction. Just because she wants to kill someone? This is a hard story to believe.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

While the thought of a little old lady spree-killer is certainly terrifying, I just don't buy that she's basically taking killing up as a hobby, even if she did kill a couple people 50-odd years ago.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this! Creepy, creepy, creepy!

"People jog, bike and rollerblade passed her." Replace passed with past.

I think I'd say that she sees "a woman pushing a stroller."

In the woman's dialogue - "...thats enough..." needs an apostrophe.

On page 4 - "They approach a tan..."

Let me know if you want to film this. I'm probably not your first choice for that, but put me on the list of possibles if you don't plan on filming it yourself.

I love how you keep her appearance and property so neutral. So nondescript. This is the kind of story that makes my skin crawl! If anyone criticizes the use of VO, tell them I said it adds to the creepiness.

Excellent work!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

If Samantha was really a monster/killer why did she seem nervous to be in the woods alone? Her character seemed inconsistant. Because of that your story lost credibility. I think her character needs more focus. You created a creepy vibe thought...good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There should be "BLACK" before the voiceover, so it doesn't look like a mistake.

"Thry approach a tan station wagon" should be "they".

The middle-aged woman killer is hardly used, so well done for being original and mostly pulling it off.

You managed to build up some suspense, but despite all the exposition in voice-over, I didn't really care that she was doing this. It seems that she's just bored, so she's going to kill someone.

There were some good atmosphere and character moments, but the suspense of whether or not she's going to do it is what drives the story, and that never comes to a real or satisfying conclusion here.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I like the original setting (a public place during the day). Not what you would expect in a horror movie.

The V.O. could use some trimming but it works, since it has a clear dramatic purpose which is to let us some cool glimpses into a killers mind.

The contrast between the sight of an inocent old lady feeding pigeons and her murderous thoughts was interesting. Nice choice of female killer.

While the main character was interesting, I didn’t care much for the story, which was quite predictable.

Your opening scene tells the audience “Look this lady is crazy and she’s gonna kill/hurt someone”. This determines that your ending should be anything but this. Anything but what the audience is expecting.

Right now the ending delivers exactly what was promised in the opening. Try to add some twists and reversals along the way. Play against the audience’s expectations.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That wasn't bad. I thought it was significantly creepy, but I also thought the V.O. kind of ruined the mood. I don't think there were a lot of choices other than that to tell the story the way you wanted to tell it. However, it could have been approached slightly differently, maybe with her arrested telling a detective. Or maybe with her explaining it to a victim just before she does them.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I liked the premise of this script, it's short and to the point. But I'm missing the meat of this product, the true emotion. Now it's just an old lady murdering a boy, that's the only vehicle for shock. A killer grandma can be a nice concept, butyou could get far more out of this premise then this. Perhaps some more distinction, let her be far more professional, or yet more clumsy, now it's pretty much a simple murder and at the end I'm afraid I don't know how to react to it. I don't feel anything for the old lady but contempt, her backstory isn't fleshed out (except for the exposition in the voice overs). Maybe she carries pictures, pictures of family, or pictures of victims. Show the emotion in little details.

BEST MOMENT: The part with the baby. You shine some true disgust for human life through this and it feels real. Wish you let that woman be more of a monster during the script, more in the little facial tihngs.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was an extraordinarily creepy and unsettling character study...and you kill a little boy.

I don't mind voice-over narration in general, but Marilyn's dialogue does go on too long in spots, for eight or nine lines at times.

A lot of it can be visualized in lieu of narration anyhow, i.e.- Her husband Frank's death, her loneliness, etc.

Some of her narration is superfluous. We don't really need to know every physical step she's taken to facilitate her murder, i.e.- getting plastic bags, rubber gloves, ebay, etc. It might be more effective to show her getting these otherwise innocuous items, not yet knowing why she wants them.

I do understand that you wanted to keep the story confined to this one location and to this short span of time.

I thought her narration was going to be revealed to be a confession in a police interrogation room or a suicide note, but it wasn't and I was a little let down.

You screenwriting is excellent, but there are some formatting issues throughout-

There's is no FADE IN: or FADE OUT.

I wouldn't start a scene (especially the first one of the script) with Marilyn's voice-over without a scene heading and some action text or "OVER BLACK." During her opening introductory narration, what are we looking at while she delivers this nine line dialogue?

Introduce the OLD LADY as Marilyn from the start.

You don't need to ever capitalize a character's name within dialogue.

Edit out the "INSERT TITLE"

Didn't detect any typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was strange and creepy. Marilyn is quite an interesting character and I like that aspect of you're story. It's a strange tale of an old serial killer and I love that you went with an old lady as a main character. It's different in a cringy kind of way, and I think that's what seperates your scripts from some of the others. Good work.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

A different approach this time...An elderly lady as the killer.

I liked the feel to this, and it could look good on screen if done right.

One spelling error: Thry instead of They.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

wow, I really don't like Marilyn, I don't get what she is all about. The story is not really horror, to me. (although I am pretty sure my own script is borderline) It is horrific, but there's no rhyme or reason to Marilyn. Why does she do what she does? Why did she kill people years ago?

Now that her husband is gone and her kids don't visit her, she has the urge to kill someone? why?

I don't think a little old lady killer really is effective unless you paint a picture of her motives first.


Marilyn is a puzzlement to be sure. I think this would be much more effective if we were to see Marilyn as lonely, and not have her tell us all about her life and her motives, and why she does what she does. There is no element of surprise here, and I think to be really good horror, you need that moment where you're not sure what is coming next.

Here in this story, Marilyn tells it all. Telling is not good for film, show us Marilyn, show her vulnerable side, show us why she's compelled to kill an innocent little boy.

I applaud you for taking this challenge though, it was one of my hardest genres to write. So well done for going for it. And please take my comments as being just that, my own opinon.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

An interesting idea, for sure. But...horror? I don't know. A quirky old lady sits in the park with squirrels and birds and baby carriages. Then she chloroforms a little boy. The End. I think it needs more to really qualify as a horror story. Yes, if this happened in real life, we'd all say "How horrible!", but this isn't real life. It's the movies. When we go to a horror movie we expect tension and suspense. We want to be scared out of our seats. This wasn't scary at all, and there wasn't much in the way of suspense. So story-wise, I think it missed the mark for a horror story.

A few other comments. You waste a lot of space on things that don't matter. For example, look at some of the lines on the first two pages. "A squirrel picks up an acorn and climbs a tree with it." "A group of birds leave a tree." "A dog chases a butterfly." "The jogger runs past." "There are very few people in the park." "People jog, bike and rollerblade passed [sic] her." Yikes! We get it. We know what it's like in the park on a beautiful day. On with the story!

There were also a few things I didn't quite understand. For example, why does Marilyn's warm smile shift into a look of disgust when she's rubbing the baby's cheeks? I could understand if it was the mother's expression that changed, but why Marilyn's? Another example, on Page 4, as she's walking with the little boy through the parking lot, she says (in voice over), "You think I'm a monster. I'm not a monster." Why does she say that? In fact, she is a monster (or at least a VERY crazy person), so why does she make a special point to say she's not? And who is she supposedly talking to in all this voice over narration? Us? Some faceless movie audience? Why is she telling us this story, and why is she trying to convince us she's not a monster? I'm scratchin' my head.

Anyway, great idea for a story, but (in my opinion) it has a few weak spots, and I'm not really sure it's a bona fide "horror" story.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

You should indicate that the screen is black by doing this: BLACK or OVER BLACK. Otherwise, the opening is somewhat awkward and the reader has to grapple to understand what's happening. This immediately throws them out of their element and this seems to cause people to give you bad scores.

Thry should be THEY.

This felt just a bit more comedic than horror. Perhaps that was you intent, and there certainly are comedic elements that seemed intentional. So then we're going for the horrory/comedy genre hybrid. If that's the case then I think this only evens out, rather than excels.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The idea had a lot going for it, the murderous old lady is an interesting character, and since I'm a fan of Dexter, it drew me in. But as the VO droned on for two pages, which is where Marilyn herself gets bored, it started to lose me. Nothing HAPPENED at all until page 4, the business with the baby went nowhere. Yawn.

I suggest turning this story upside down and starting with the boy & the kidnapping. SURPRISE ME with it. Lose the VO until after Marilyn gets the boy into the car - then kick in your VO, and let the boy wake up, be frightened & she can actually interact & explain it to him, show off her murder weapons etc, which would add to his terror and ours. Maybe inject a traffic stop where she scrambles to knock the boy out with more cloroform - this could be a lot scarier.

Overall, I was disappointed but would like to see a re-write, it has so much more potential.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Excellent character study of an evil and demented personality, bent on calcualated, pre-meditated murder just for the sake of murder, with little no regard to the victim other than the potential to become one. The voice over effect here is used well, as it gives insight into the character.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is ridiculous, and I mean that in the best possible sense. I think it's great. It's fun, dark and twisted. I was laughing and uncomfortable. The one thing that I'm not a fan of is the voice over. I think it's totally necessary for this piece, but overused. If you tightened it up the pace would remain intact but the script would flow a little better. Overall I think this is great. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is VERY GOOD.

I love the story, I love the voice of the old woman, I like the concept, you handle things very well.

There are a couple of noticable Whoops type things that need mentioning:

Yikes, you open with dialogue and no slugline.

Yikes, you used INSERT TITLE.

The LADY is named Candice, so you should use CANDICE, not LADY.

Page 4 - you spelled "They" as "Thry"

There are a couple of other miniscule formatting issues and you have the opportunity to tune and combine your descriptions to save space.

Great job. Looking forward to discovering who the author is.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:42 PM

Ignore everyone else. This was the best short in this contest. You got an excellent from me, because this is excellent. Sure there are little flaws to correct, but the story, the story really matters and that was awesome. So congrats.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2009 11:54 PM

When Chris is right, he's right. This is a great story in many ways. I'd be a liar if I thought it was the best in this contest, but it was up there, that's for damn sure. Great job.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 5/16/2011 11:42 PM

That was horrifying! Excellent script. I concur with another reviewer that the chloroform shouldn't be spilled in the car. Maybe on the grass. I think I am going to have nightmares about this character.