Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I didn't see the end coming, so that's good. But I really thought that we should have felt a little more for that guy. When he starts beating that girl, we lose any kind of empathy we might have with him. We still don't mind if he dies, because he cheats and lies to his wife, so he can still die without him going that crazy. It was just too surprising.

Liked the asian food line, by the way.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

The beginning of the story had me hooked, not only was it well written, but I was really looking forward to seeing Sam get what was coming to him. But then when that happened too quickly and off camera and I feel kinda cheated. I want to know more about this Marcy Denton. Who, or what is she? I want more of a description other than just "vile". What exactly does she do?

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Nice little setup at the beginning and connecting it at the end.
Written very well, it was easy and quick to read. Good work!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well enough, but I had a few issues with this script. One is that it's just barely horror. There's a lot of action, but no tension. The only thing that has tones of horror is the final image with the eyeball in the soup. Other than that, this was like a crime or action script, not horror. The second issue I had was that the entire story is incredibly unlikely based solely on the fact that Marcy somehow knew which Vegas hooker he'd pick and arranged to have the hooker kill him. In the script, he opens the phone book and seemingly picks one at random so the big question for me is how would Marcy know who he'd pick? Overall, this was written well but the gap in logic dragged it down a bit for me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the gory twist at the end, but it made it seem like the story was split - no forewarning of Marcy in the first 4 pages. I think we need that. What you've done seems like that bit has been added on as an afterthought.

It is so good to see you! I am not disappointed.- stilted dialogue, sounds unnatural - use contractions.

Bon Appetite - should be Bon Appetit.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I found this script a little confusing and somewhat awkward. I had to read it twice to try and get a good take on it. There wasn't really much of a story. There was no progression or arc to the characters. It just didn't seem to have a clear direction or consistent tone.

The ending came off as funny more than anything else. And it felt tacked on and unnatural, almost like it should have been in a different script.

There was some nice dialogue between Sam and Liz and a good chemistry there. I would suggest somehow focusing the script around those two and eliminating the Marcy Denton character.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Well if that title isn't intriguing. Unfortunately it's going to be about a seductress that kills the horny Johns. I'm guessing mind you.
Ok, this was a twist on that old hash. Was it enough, eh, I won't be the judge. I did like you tried to make the John a more that one dimensional character. The action was pleasantly brisk. Good Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Lots of powerful visuals here, but I'm not sure I believe this story.

The characters feel a little false.

David Birch (Level 5)

really liked the dialog...flowed well...story seemed a little straightforward and cliched...need to have the characters not go to stereotype...keep your reader/audience off balance...but an honest go at a tough assignment...thanks

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Whoa, now how crazy was that? A unique concept, got a problem - - brew some human tea.

The story was pretty tight, but I would like to see more of this Marcy, what's the story with her, she just shows up at the end. Isn't she the fiend? She's drinking this human stew, yuck.

I like your dialogue with the "Chinese" reference, good subtext. Good job overall, but it would really be great if it were more about Marcy though.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

1(702)Hot-Chix ... substitute numbers for "Hot=Chix" and this could have been the title of the next competition! Bet I'm not the only one to point this out to you!

Well-written with a surprise ending! Loved it!

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

The beginning was great, the dialogue was on key. The contradicting dialogue from Sam while talking to his wife and picking out a hooker is classic. Great stuff. I really enjoyed this script. Just a few comments. It's usually custom to put (cont'd) beside the characters name when their dialogue is broken up by an action. Also, I foung Sam to be more of the villain that anyone else. Sure Liz got the best of him, but it was self defense. Granted, she didn't have to feed him to someone. Same goes for Marcy Denton, although she eats people, I still wouldn't really label her the villain to be Sam. Great job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Ooooo....gruesome. I liked it. You took the story into a direction I didn't expect. At first I was like: Oh man, another pretty girl who's going to have sex with the guy but ends up killing him. But I was surprised that it's the guy who wants to abuse the pretty girl and gets what he deserved at the end. There is also some explanation why Liz is doing the deed, unlike other scripts where the woman just kills the guy for no reason.

I liked the scene at the end where Marcy is the primary villain, what the soup is made ties in with the entire situation before.

The characters seem real to me. And you actually got TWO female villains, not just one.

I think you did a very good job on this contest. Congratulation!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

At first your story did not have the feel of a horror film. I kept wondering if Liz was going to turn out to be a witch or vampire, but it didn't happen. It wasn't until the end that I got the horror feel, and by then it kind of felt tacked on. It seemed to kind of come out of left field, and this is just my opinion, it didn't really connect well with what had happened previously. You did have some nice touches, such as the blue iris in the cup. That was an image that stuck in my mind. If you added more touches like that, you would have something truly scary.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

The title did not grab me, but the story sure did. I love the hypocrite getting his comeuppance and the fact that the call girl has two types of clients, one of whom wants to eat the other is pretty subversive. The end was certainly gruesome. Sam is very well characterized and no one is what they seem to be. I'm giving this one a very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I found the script to be terrific! Transitions between scenes were great!I have mixed feelings about the title. I didn't even realize right away that it stood for a phone #. Maybe if you change the area code to that famous 555 that's used in all movies, it would become more apparent.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The script was all right. I really liked how the escort was supposed to kill or sedate him, but she was attacked first. Although we figured she was the villain, you didn't reveal that until she made the phone call. That was a nice touch. I was wondering the entire time, why the guy was attacking the girl, if the contest is about a deadly female. You really put a twist on that.

But the whole thing with the lady eating him? You should of mentioned her before. I felt as though she came out of nowhere. But it wasn't that serious.

Liz obviously knew Sam from before, but when they got into the room they spoke as if they were total strangers. I think you should of stayed consistent on that.

I don't understand why the maid ran out to vomit. You would think since Mercy is allowing the maid to bring her the drink then she would feel comfortable with her, therefore the maid would be used to doing things like that. Why would a wealthy women hire help that wouldn't follow her life style?

It was okay. I'll give it a good.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I really liked some of the dialogue you wrote and the subtle humour but all in all I felt your script lacked a strong enough idea or plot behind it. You seemed to meander around your main story as if you were unsure of what you wanted to focus on. Although your technique was on the level, perhaps you never found the idea you wanted to write about.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Nerdy guy goes to vegas, hires a hooker, unexpectedly turns into a psychopath, beats her up, gets maced, and for revenge she sells him to her rich cannibal friend.

This just didn't fit together at all for me. Each new scene I felt like I must have missed something, I didn't understand why the characters did anything they did, and there was nothing to hint at the cannibalism that was ahead. It just felt random.

Props, however, for going out on a limb instead of playing it safe. It didn't quite work for me but I liked that the script tried something different instead of playing it safe.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Meat packers beware of baby blues on the loose.

Lots of visual action in this screenplay of female revenge and male violence. The idea of cannibalism is not new in this kind of story but you have given the horror of it a new twist.

I found the transformation of Sam to be inexplicable in light of your character build up. His change just seem to me completely out of the character you had so expertly devised. He seems to metamorphoses almost instantaneously from an unfaithful husband and father to a ruthless sadistic prick without provocation or any reason whatsoever. Almost robotic in action.

The profitable revenge of Liz is cool. Profiting from the quelled violence is a great twist.

Marcy Denton makes a perfect profitable business partner for Liz on those occasions when a get-to-gather just doesn’t work out.

Good work, I shall return, hopefully to be more helpful.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This guy got what he deserves. I don't think Liz would've sold him to Marcy Denton had he not behaved abusively with her. Sam is truly a crazed fruccker and he deserved every bit of what he got. When he and Liz fought, and she finally got the upperhand, I was cheering for her. When she knocks him out, it was awesome - but it was not scary.

Marcy Denton apparently likes human flesh, and Liz must be a regular business associate that supplies her with a fresh catch often times. The transaction was smoothly handled and the 'Ocular Rum Runner' at the end was tastefully written. However, even at this point, the script was more of a shocker and a wowzer than it was scary. It's like a psychotically long "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" commercial.

Good Job.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I'm going to give you a very good on this one and that's not going to change but I think this is sort of weak in terms of dialogue it runs on alot when it shouldn't. I hope I don't regret this. Honestly I like that idea that she knows her victim but I'm so happy that you explained everything. I can't stand the fact that so many people this contest have opted for style rather than solid story. Undeveloped characters are everywhere. I think I have one underdeveloped character in my script but that's for suspense reasons.

I didn't like the long rambling chatter she goes on about meeting him again. I did like that she asked him if he used drugs etc. I did like that she is very careful about what she does. I like that this isn't necessarily a vampire story like you hinted before with the old clerk. However there are alot of plot holes. God I was so desperate for a complete story with characters.

one of the things I didn't like were in the dialogue and I'm willing to forgive that but like I said if I met a milf or a cougar and had an opportunity, I wish you'd played on that a bit more. Cut out the entrance with the hotel start from when she knocks on the door or when he calls her to exemplify your theme. Instead of introducing her as this hot thang.
Woman
Don't I know you?

Also a woman isn't going to engage in a bare knuckles brawl with a stronger male adversary. Women, I like to think are smarter than that she would definitely drug him but I feel like the fight is shoe horned in there to add some sort of action.

Get into that.... and go from there, if he knew her great maybe if it was about them deciding whether or not to have sex but in the end he decides to which of course is a mistake that would have been a better approach in my opinion maybe if he was just motionless on the bed then she makes the call and make it brief 3 lines would do.

Also I wanted to get a better picture of The old woman at the end. I'm guessing this is to help her as in being a donor. An old urban legend that has been done before.

I wish you made him have a drink or just plain get knocked out instead but the fight works. Very good job though.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

"She takes a gulp and smiles with a ghastly grin as blood
dribbles down her chin." - who takes a sip, Marcy? Who is Marcy Denton - I did not understand it. I'd prefer it if it was Liz who took a sip of soup.

I noticed that you do not combine your sentences in paragraphs when you could.

I'm thinking you could have mentioned Marcy Denton earlier. Who is she and why she's sent Marcy the soup.

I think this could have been simpler. I liked it overall though.

a good story, really and well written too.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing and "eye-catching" title.
Good enough character descriptions. Actually learn more about the sleaze-ball Sam through his actions. Probably don't need the long cell conversation at the beginning. Would be good irony to have Sam finish his sentence to the wife with, "...tell her daddy misses her...and you too" and then open the phone book to "escort services." Might omit his next two speeches -- the point has been made.
Couple typos: early on using "Sammy" instead of "Sam." Thought "Sammy" might be someone different. And, assume "James" and "Jimmy" are the same too. "Jimmy" may be better considering his second job driving that van...
Believable scuffle/fight scene between Sam and Liz.
Terrific scene introducing the "female monster," Marcy Denton. The surprise works. Think Liz's dialogue should be trimmed though. Just the basics; for example, "Jimmy, it went bad. Gimme Marcy Denton's number. Hurry...and bring some ice."
The "Ext. Denton Mansion" scene is confusing:
A van is in the driveway...
James/Jimmy is in driver's seat. Liz in passenger's seat...
Marcy comes outside and gives Liz cash...
The van drives off...
A Maid delivers the "eyeball' to Marcy in the driveway?
Needs some simplification. Delete the Maid, and how about the "exchange" occurs back at that Las Vegas hotel, maybe in a dark alley?
Like the surprise; definitely squirm-worthy. Some adjustments needed, but there's a very good horror in here.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Great. Now you're gonna have people calling you at home. :)

"They must be teenagers by now." Even a flustered Sam would know that a woman in her 20s isn't likely to have teenaged sons.

I'm not sure this is really a horror story. There's a fight, then some hinted-at gore and cannibalism. I didn't really know what to make of it, since the genre seemed to swing to and fro. It starts off as adultery and goes downhill, but it's purposeless, unless it's to moralize against the dangers of "fooling around".

And, actually, the title doesn't really work, since the thrust of the story (pardon my pun) has nothing to do with Liz at all.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm not crazy about the title. It's okay, but I think it could be a bit more connected with the story. Maybe in a longer rewrite you could mention the number in dialogue.

At the end of the script you mention the eyeball with the blue iris. You might want to bring that into Sam's description. Maybe it isn't his eye? Make it more clear either way.

Okay... I found the place where Liz refers to his baby blues. So it is his eye. I still think you should put it into his intro. It's a physical feature that is also an element of the story. It's important for the reader to know.

At the bottom of page two you refer to Sam as Sammy. Not a big deal, but try to use the same name to refer to a character throughout your script. That doesn't apply in dialogue, of course.

On page 4 - The contents of her purse spill 'onto' the carpet.

On page 5 - "Driver's" side.

You've got the sex and violence down. The horror is confined to such a small part of the ending, though, and there's no build up toward it. By that I mean that the first four pages of the script wouldn't necessarily be labeled 'horror.' All of the ickiness is on page five.

I think you've got the start of a really good horror story here. I hope you do a longer rewrite and amp up the dread factor in the first pages. And I REALLY want to see more of Marcy the maniac!

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This one had potential but for me the plot itself was a bit vague. He looks through a phone book, decides to order an oriental chick who just so happens to know the hotel desk clerk?? And her intention was to kill him and deliver his body to Marcy? Just seems a bit out there. Maybe if James suggested the service to Sam, or handed him some kind of flier...that would be a more believable connection. Maybe James gets a cut of the money too. As it is now it's just too convenient and Marcy is vague. Is she a cannibal? Or is there more to it?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wonderful character introduction. In Sam's first line of dialogue and first action you find out everything you need to know for the rest of the story.

"...me and the Lord... we have an understanding."
If you're going to steal, steal from the best I suppose. But The Blues Brothers isn't a horror movie, and the line doesn't seem really tied to this context. I would suggest removing it. I imagine it's quite distracting for other people who have seen that film and recognise the line as well.

Because of the rules of the contest, I thought I had guessed the story, but Sam getting rough was a very interesting surprise for me, and the ending... WOW! I am still in shock.

This is the first entry to really disturb me. I like the familiarity with which Liz talks to Marcy on the phone, how they have a business arrangement, how Marcy has all these people working for her (she's obviously rich)... I love it when there's an implied extended story or history between the characters, beyond what's just presented.

Excellent.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was an effective little story. The formatting was well done and the story flowed really smoothly. A breeze to read.

I enjoyed the twist of Sam being the aggressor in the situation. I was expecting that Liz was the villain so you did a nice job of disguising the 'female' villain aspect.

I really would have liked a little more time dedicated to Marcy Denton. Her introduction as simply 40's and vile, didn't do much for me and I don't quite understand her character or motivation. I like the idea of her but she could have been built up a little more.

In order to free up space for this, I found a few areas where you could trim up the earlier scenes.
I think you could shorten or cut out SAM's:" Never mind that! Oh my God! It is so good to see you! How’s Alex and the boys? They must be teenagers by now. My, my. How time does fly."
After Liz knocks out Sam, she calls the desk and has a little chat. I think it would be much more effective to have her simply end with "Yeah, that Marcy Denton!" This would be a nice transition to the next scene at the Denton house.
Therefore, you could cut out the extra "You saw him. He was a medium build, one ninety, maybe two. Alright, but hurry up...and bring me some ice." -- Liz grabs her dress from underneath Sam and sits down at the small table. -- She finds a loose cigarette and lights it with hotel matches.

Just a couple of areas where your story might benefit from a trim to allow for more character and mood building.

I did like how Liz mentioned the forbidden taboos and Sam's baby blue eyes. This helped set up the finale at Denton's.

Overall, a good and simple horror short.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Well, this story goes places. I like the dynamic of it, how it changes setting and athmosphere a few times. I think the ending is a bit too cheeky and unnecessary, but it's still a nice read. I have a hard time seeing if this was all planned out or not, since it seems that this Marcy Denton has worked with this girl before. Besides the problems of all the things you cut out (body getting out of a hotel), its a good cohesive story. It could benefit from a few edits, like focussing more on the girl, since she lives longer at the end.

BEST MOMENT: The short introduction and fight in the hotel room. It really felt like a good short film there, tense and cramped.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A harsh cautionary tale where Sam surely gets what he deserves. It felt almost like an urban legend type of story.

The story itself feels like it's missing something, or a bit anticlimactic.

I think we're introduced to Marcy Denton too late in the story, and is she like some sort of Vlad the Impaler? How and why on earth do Jimmy and Liz know this lady? I feel including this scene, literally in the bottom half of page five, without any foreshadowing, came out of nowhere.

It's a very small point, but the scene where Liz enters the hotel lobby is confusing to me. She asks Jimmy to page Room 405, then Sam is there in like a millisecond, and he's referred to as Sammy, the only time in the script, so I thought it was a new character at first.

Not a fan of the title at all.

Your screenwriting overall is very good; format appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an effective drama with a strong morality tale element. I like the way Sam is introduced and you make it so that he deserves what he gets.

Within this contest however I'm not sure that I'd call this horror, only the last few lines have content that I'd put in the horror genre. Prior to that it is a drama. Also your deadly female has quite a minimal role on the end of a story that does not otherwise require her to be there. Sam is the bad guy in this. So I guess that for me your script does not meet the challenge well.

"in the driver#'#s side."

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

First I like your title, maybe the best title I've come across so far. I like your story up until the end. I think you could've gone in a different direction and I think if this is a horror, then I would focus more on Marcy. I'd also like to see more descriptions of your setting. What kind of hotel is this? I had a tough time visualizing that and it would help your story. Your story is really strong, it just needs a more warranted conclusion in my opinion.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well the first four pages were not horror, but the ending page was. I thought it was a really gross ending. I think it qualifies for horror.

The main thing I found in this script, was that I really didn't like anyone in it at all. I mean, they all were pretty nasty people. I think you need to make one person at least a little likeable, otherwise why would I want to invest time into watching a story about nasty people?

Your writing style is good, you had some good humor at the beginning when he said he might have Chinese for dinner. That gave me a chuckle.

You write very visually and that's a good thing. I could easily imagine what I was reading.

Good job on that.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good story, and well written, but it did seem like a very long set-up for a very small payoff. Just take a look at the scenes. The first page and a half are a phone conversation with his wife, and meet-and-greets in the lobby. Then some sexy small talk in the hotel room, then a v-e-r-y long fight scene. Finally, at the bottom of Page 5, we get to the real story -- some weird lady is going to eat him. It could be a great story, too. Who is this woman, anyway? (A witch? A vampire?) How did the hooker know about her? But, unfortunately, it's not presented as the real story here -- it's just the punchline to a very long set-up.

Some small things:
- On Page 2, you say his weight is 150, then on Page 5 you say he's 190 or 200. Kind of a big discrepancy.
- On Page 5, you describe Marcy as "vile". There are so many possible interpretations of that word that it doesn't really tell us anything.
- You have quite a bit of extraneous narrative. (Some extraneous dialogue, too.) Some examples: Page 2, "Sam and Liz walk toward the elevators." Why not just cut to the elevator? On Page 3, Liz asks, "Would you like some music?", and he shakes his head. Why bother asking the question? On Page 5, the two lines after Liz calls Jimmy (she grabs her dress, and she lights a cigarette with hotel matches) are both throw-away lines. Why not just cut to the next scene. On with the story!
- Why the title? Other than the fact that she's a call girl, the title doesn't really go with the story.

Overall, it was well written, and there's a kernel of a really spooky horror story in there. But there was too much set-up and not enough payoff.

My score: GOOD.

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

Your story is fairly good with a truly horrific end. Nonetheless, the opening scenes, especially the first phone conversation, don’t appear to be very coherent, or even necessary.

You certainly have the apparent knack to become a good screenwriter. Perhaps with a little more experience and research on formatting issues you’ll be able to effortlessly do that.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the title & expected more. The set-up for Marcy's arrival needs to happen sooner, as written she comes out of nowhere. I suggest dropping the intro w/the phone conversation which is really pretty irrelevant and have Sam interact more with James to arrange for "Chinese food" and the cleaners are mopping up in another room -- James can tell Sam it was a crime scene or whatever so we get an idea of what's in store. I'd also lose some of the "foreplay" and have Sam be mean & hurtful so we can sympathize more with Liz.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This script is well written, but the idea behind the story does not really grab me. The ending seems to be a little forced within the confines of the story. To me it seems almost tacked on. There is a lot of build up and tension with seemingly little payoff. Your dialogue is great and comes off as very natural. I like the set up with Sam talking to his wife. In that brief conversation you really capture him as a slime ball. Finally, I would consider changing the title. It seems too comedic. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A very quick read. All of the action is great, and the dialogue is pretty good, too.

I do think it would have worked better if the horror element existed throughout... or was at least hinted at... or was between the two main characters. But when the Marcy lady was tacked on at the end for horror's sake, it kind of ruined things.

All of that took a Very Good down to a Good.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I really didn't care what happened to Sam by the time Mizz Denton came along. That was a problem for me -- though several funny/vile lines, after he smacks around Liz, I lost interest in the script.

I don't think there needs to be a rooting interest here, but having concern for Sam or Liz, for that matter, does help as far as the ending. Getting to Marcy sooner could also help -- she's a mystery.

Sam on the phone with his wife while thumbing through the escorts is a wonderful moment in contrast.

Comments Made After the Contest

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2009 5:25 PM

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a thoughtful, insightful comment. Those who blew through it in 5 minutes to get through 'em all, eh, not so much.

I don't get the 'poor' or 'fair' scores, but that's pretty typical Movie Poet for ya.

I admit that Sam swiped the line from Joliet Jake. He was not sincere enough to have come up with it on his own.

The ending was not a complete surprise; there were references to cannibalism through out the script.

Agree the word "vile" was telling, not showing. Drinking an eyeball cocktail is pretty vile, though. This set up was alluded to during the pillow talk when Liz explained to Sam that she knew people for all kinds of "forbidden taboos."

No, Liz and Sam had never met. When Sam placed his "order" with the agency, he would have been instructed to greet her in the lobby in a friendly manner before bringing her to his room. He over does it.

She was, however, friends with James, as he implies as he's happy to see her "out and about." (He knew she had been in jail.) Would the story have transpired the same if it had not been at James's hotel? Yep, only a bit more tricky moving the body out of the room, though she still would have gotten James's help or help from the network.

Suspect in his past he had been violent towards his wife, which again alludes to the idea that he was supposed to be a "changed man", finding Jesus and what not. That would imply that he was something else before he was the family man, calling on the phone.

And no, it was not Liz's intention to go on this gig to get beat up. Unfortunately, it happens sometimes in the business. She did make the best of it, though.

Hard to convey on the page, and short pages at that, the wieght that words would have when spoken by an actor. When she asked about Marcy Denton, it would have frozen the blood in Jame's veins. He knows she's a disgusting cannibal, and hates to deal with her.

The weight? Sam lied about it and Liz was playing him.

The title? Eh, seemed good at the time, but I'll likely change it.

The maid. She was difficult, but felt she was important. She was illegal, and was pretty much at Marcy's whim lest she be turned over to INS...She wasn't prepared for this kind of thing though, which is why she got sick. Meant to give insight to how nasty this lady was.

Did everything work? I dunno. Definitly went over some people's heads, and I think the definition of horror worked against it a bit, with the ending not being enough to seal the deal.