Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I really like the way your characters stand out so much. The dialog of your characters where outstanding, and the way you set up you setting was great as well. I really enjoyed this script and the end was quite a surprise.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

At first I thought this was going to be a Jack the Ripper story with either Mary of Sarah turning out to be the Ripper but I like this better. Well paced and nice creepy atmosphere, would make a really cool short film to watch.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

You have a good story here but it was hard to read. I think the exchange between the woman and girl could be shortened a bit. Try shortening some action lines. If what you are saying can be said in 1 line instead of 2, its always an improvement.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced well, but a bit wordy and overly descriptive. There's a lot of room to tighten things up here. No errors or typos that I noticed. Good unique characters. The dialogue was pretty solid. I didn't really care for the ending. We get an idea of what happened, but it's not very clearly explained and I can see room for confusion there. I think the ending could be better clarified but aside from that, I thought this was a pretty well done script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Lady of the Night
by

Why do you do this?!

EXT. COBBLED STREET - NIGHT
Gas-lit steam glows as it rises from the cobbled streets, - you don't need cobbled streets twice.

thirty-ish - around twelve years of age- - this ia rambling. You need to be lean and mean.

fairie - fairy, beedy - beady

Manchester Monster? And Mary speaks like 'cockney' Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins from the East End of London! Dialect is risky unless you've really got a handle on it.

I did like the story though, and the twist at the end. Very well done.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Well that hooker got hers. Other than some overwriting it was a good piece. Sure the little conversation was fine, but it'd been creepier if the girl never talked and Mary just chased her down until Mary was led into her trap. Good job overall.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the style of this story.

Your craft is great and I think the dialogue is wonderful.

My only complaint, I saw the twist coming from a mile away. Maybe that's just because I read so many scripts, but I think you need to do a double-twist if you really want to surprise the audience.

David Birch (Level 5)

it was a creepy scene, but would have like a little more backstory and motivation...why does mary talk like a pirate?...why does she wield a knife?...the writing was very visual...just needed a little more substance...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The writing is very creative but a touch flowery in this tale of female on female horror.

I like the dialogue, it was a nice dialectic touch to the English story, It flowed nicely, and was entertaining.

I like the twist that the little girl turns out to be the monster. A well put together story, the main character certainly had a definable goal.

The title is a bit generic, but altogether I thought you did a good job.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This was a fun one, and it is obvious that you don't have any problems putting words together at all...it's well written. Here's the problem that I have with it though...and it seems like a small thing, but I feel like it lead to this piece meandering a bit:

What was Mary doing? From the beginning, what was she doing out there? She's walking along a back street, brandishing a knife...to do what? I think we need a quick look (it can be as short as 1/4 page) that establishes Mary's character better. Establish a problem that Mary is having that can be SOLVED by this little girl. If you can establish the HUNGER that Mary has to use this little girl in some way, then the irony is that much greater when the girl is actually using Mary. (I see that you were implying that Mary had a plan for the girl, but her intentions throughout were very foggy...make it very obvious what Mary is trying to pull off...make her more THREATENING.)

Overall, nice job though. Nice work.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

One of my favorites so far! It felt a bit like reading some long-lost tale by the Grimm Brothers, in a good way. I hope someone makes it, I think it could be a lot of fun.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Nice work. Good story. Just a few comments.

In the description "cobbled streets" and "gaslights" are mentioned. So, I'm assuming
this is from the past but maybe not. What time period's the story in?

Make sure you proofread! Example: "She shoves the knife toward Sarah face." Should be "She shoves the knife toward SARAH'S face."

Frank Kanozik (Level 1)

Huge issue is that it is written like prose and not a script.

Nitpicking:

Peter Pan reference seems an anachronism for the time period.

The dialoge and accent is a little clunky.

Why doesn't Mary just stop following the girl.

The twist is a little interesting although a tad too predictable.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Hmm...this is a mixed bag for me. It's not bad but not to the point of very engaging. I liked how Mary was telling Sarah the anecdote of the monster, which leads up to the conclusion of the script. The story is fine with me. Actually, I kinda liked it.

However, I found your action/description to be very clunky at times. Maybe it's because you combine several subjects (e.g. Mary, Sarah, the shadow, the crate, etc.) into one paragraph. I usually found paragraphs with more than two subjects to be frustrating.

Overall, I think you did good for this contest.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

Overall, I really liked the story. The setting was perfect for horror, and you created quite an atmosphere. The dialogue was very well done, but there were spots that had the characters blending for me, where I couldn't tell if it was Sara or Mary, but mostly I think you distinguished the two very well. Making Sara the monster wasn't too much of surprise, unfortunately due to the fact that we already knew it had to be one or the other for this contest, but I do commend you for not showing the eating of Mary. It made the whole situation a bit more chilling, which added to the mood. Good job.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked this quite a lot. The ending was especially good, but I did not feel like the tables were actually turned. I think we've seen the little girl turned monster before - starting with Lestat, so it does not feel that fresh. However, I liked the victim's inner conflict - should she help the girl, help herself, or both if she can? I like it that she shows a whole range of emotions. Her dialogue is also intersting, and you've done a good job of establishing the dialect without over-doing it. If the little girl were more conflicted this could more poignancy... Sure she needs to eat people, but what if she does also want to be loved, or part of a family? I'm giving this one a Very Good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Mary is not at all likable. We see her death coming and don't much care.
I think you can establish what type of person Mary is before she really has much dialogue with Sarah. She needs to genuinely soften though as she's speaking to the little girl. She needs to become someone that we can actually relate to on some level.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why would Mary put the knife in Sarah's face, just when it seemed as if the little girl was going to cooperate?

This was okay. I liked Mary's character, I know you probably put in a lot of thought in her. But was she Jamaican or Scottish?

I also wondered what sort of world this was set in. I just thought "Sin City" where everything goes, because a prostitute carrying knife, lunging for rats, and trying to eat children is insane, so the world of "sin city" fits just right.

I liked it. I'll give it a very good.

John Brooke (Level 5)

The cold and grimy streets of a Victorian English City at night conjures up thoughts of ‘Jack the Ripper’ and worse. It has been done many times in the the past. You however have created an entirely novel idea and transformed it inot this compelling script. Bravo. Your characters are believable and the subterfuge of Sarah is initially believable under the circumstances of those time.

Scenes were painted with suitable dark grimy brushes.

That script was definitely a ‘orror show. Word pictures all mighty suggestive and chilling. Your dialog with just a touch of that British accent is a nice condiment and it spiced up your dark film perfectly.

The slimy metamorphous of Sarah was handled with care. You had me sucked in almost to the middle of page five.

Compelling opening with the nervous street wise Mary and her sharp shiny knife. An icy cold feeling of impending menace throughout. Hauntingly told.

Excellent writing that captures the mood and spirit of Dickensian times perfectly.

My nit-pics will have to wait.

Very good if not excellent. I shall return.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I ain't gonna lie, it's the ol' bri'ish street accent that does it for me, really!

Great dialogue. The exchange between old Mary and Sarah was excellent. It probably went on for longer than necessary, but it wasn't dull or boring. Your visuals are haunting and the setting you chose was perfect.

We didn't get to see exactly what the little girl was, in terms of monsters, but that was no faze to the end. You were able to leave us with a haunting image before finishing off with a few sounds and then the rat, smug smile and all. What a perfect way to end it. Excellente! Cheers to your great writing skills and I do hope this script places well. 18 scripts in and this is certainly gonna be a fave.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

You got to know that you are overly descriptive right and I just don't connect with your characters at all. Us? who are you talking to, me? Try to write without using we see or referring to the audience sure all the big boys do it but it is a frowned upon practice. I could shorten all of your sentences and make them more powerful even some of your dialogue can be cut and I think you know it.

This story has potential but it just never drew me in because of your writing style.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

p3 - "another fairY story?"
Somehow I knew from the very beginning that the little girl was the monster. And it spoiled the read for me.
But a good story, well told.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Entertaining storyline with some of the best dialogue ever. Must have taken hours and hours crafting "Auntie Mary's" words. Not a confusing line or misunderstood word in the bunch. Absolutely swept up into her world...
By contrast, the 12-year-old Sarah is on a mission, unknown until the end. Her dialogue is sparse and purposeful; single lines fit her character perfectly. Perhaps omit "You're trying to frighten me. Well don't bother," and keep the irony, "I don't believe in fairies, or monsters." Maybe, too, shorten Sarah's retort to Mary's, "Come out to Auntie Mary or I'll..." down to one line such as: "Have me for your supper?" And, perhaps, Sarah's last three words could be, "I am home."
Description is very good. At the end, don't think it's a good idea to address the reader with "It glances toward us." Also, delete "smugly" -- it's perfectly clear "who" that rat is...
A real pleasure to read. Excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"I’ll slice you up to ‘ave for me supper, that’s what I’ll do." Although the dialect here is really stunning, the words themselves are simply a rant to the audience. This is on-the-nose and needs to be cut.

"Then the screaming starts..." This sentence construction is suited to a novel, but a screenplay needs to be forward moving, action all the time, very little passivity.

It takes Mary a whole page to realize that Sarah doesn't want to go home to her father. I figured it out after the first headshake. My guess is that this must be a set-up for something. It's not too hard to figure out what it's going to be. You might want to disguise your setups a little better, bury them deeper inside the dialogue, so that the reader doesn't even realize they've been setup until you spring the trap... But now that I've read the whole piece, it appears that it wasn't a setup at all! It was just wandering dialogue.

The Manchester Monster, a pivotal plotpiece, isn't even introduced to the story until the middle of page 3. I'm thinking that's too late, that we spent too long on the introductions.

A monster disguised as a rat and a little girl. Imaginative. I'm left unsatisfied by the setups with no payoffs.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Nice twist. You could probably tighten the language a little bit, particularly in the opening descriptions, to give yourself a bit more room later to draw out the suspense. Overall a very good story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like your title, and I like that it can refer to either Mary or Sarah. That keeps a person guessing (I guessed right..;)

You're writing short paragraphs. The opening action, for instance. You want to set the tone for the story here and do it in a clear and concise way. Describe the visuals as they play out in your mind instead of writing a paragraph about the scene. When I got to the word "except" I felt like I'd missed something. It's a little like following instructions for assembling something and coming to the words "but first..."

Give all of the important physical information when you introduce a character, not some now, some later. Age is one of the most important of these. A "young girl" could be five or seven or twelve. You want the reader to have a fairly clear visual right away.

This is a good little story, and well done.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

The idea here was great. I liked the setting too. I thin it went on a bit though. Mary's dialog could use a little trim. her dialog was great, but after a while she wasn't saying anything new.

Very good job here. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

From the "Lady of the Night" title and the cobbled streets at the beginning, I was immediately thinking of Jack the Ripper and the alleyways he escaped into, so I think that you've created the right tone. I like how the title applies to Mary at the beginning and Sarah at the end, but neither really fulfilled its meaning.

I really liked the relationship between Sarah and Mary, which definitely felt like they had been forced together and that they weren't too friendly too quickly.

The call-back to the rat at the end was good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I thought this script was very well done. I enjoyed the setting and it worked well in capturing the ominous mood of the piece. I think the twist was fairly obvious but the writing was strong and allowed me to enjoy the ride getting there.

The gaslights and the dingy streets make for a great visual as I can easily imagine the fun possibilities of playing with the lighting. I often shudder when quirky dialect is used but the dialogue was simple and easy to follow and added to the character rather than distracting from it.

The narrative was a pleasure to read. It excites me to hear clever little descriptions that help paint a picture. The visual of Mary's bodice, how she 'cups Sarah's chin with her hand', 'makes a hand claw and gnashes at Sarah'. These are good lines that add tremendously to the storytelling without being too flowery.

Well written and easily a true 'horror' story. Great job.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

The atmosphere is set immediately, well done, but the first dialogue is way to much, it takes us out of the story. I don't think Peter Pan is that old actually, in fact, he was introduced after the victorian english period, and it's hardly fitting that he would be used as a popular reference. Aside from that it's a great story and pretty horrific. I like the rat-little girl dynamic and the whole eating-you-up part. How a woman like that would walk around in just a cape and a knife and severly underdressed is anyone's guess but I'm sure you weren't going for realism in this thing. I enjoyed the read, although the chase went on a bit too long and could probably benefit from a different sequence to cut up the action.

BEST MOMENT: The ending with the shadows, gruesome and terrifying. Rats getting revenge, that's a first.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I always love the creepy setting of cobble-stoned streets at night in a foggy English town, it always delivers on the visuals.

I must honestly confess, it becomes obvious at a point that Sarah is gonna turn the tables on Mary, who's underestimated this twelve year-old girl.

This is written much too much like prose, it is all fit for a short story or novel. All the narrative on page one is daunting upon first glance and there is too much dialogue on pages two through four.

I know you were trying to keep Mary's dialogue authentic and accurate for her in this time and setting, but it became difficult at times to read.

There are some formatting issues throughout; didn't detect any typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I like your story. I think your plot is very solid. However you did have some formatting issues. I'd also watch out for the accent language that you created. Sure it works wonderfully on screen, but reading it was almost like a nightmare. It just dragged on and on. Finally I'd watch out for some of the commentary in your descriptions, let the reader maker their own assumptions. Again I like your story and characters, just watch out for the formatting.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought the story was good. I had a feeling as soon as the Sarah showed up, that SHE would be the killer. I think that's because we all know the assignment, and in another competition, that twist would be really quite good.

I like the setting, especially as it's so dark and gloomy and the perfect setting for a horror story. The rat adds a scary dimension, and I assume that Sarah becomes the rat when she is sneaking around. I hate rats and they are scary enough on their own, so having Sarah become the rat is really creepy to me.

I like the writing style and the story is strong and suspensful. Well done.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Rat people! Spooky! Pretty good story, and very well written. My biggest comment, though, would be that it's a l-o-o-o-o-o-n-g set-up for a very small pay-off. That would be okay if the long set-up was designed to slowly build up the tension and suspense, but it doesn't, really. Well, maybe a little. But it's mostly just chatty. Pages 2, 3, and half of Page 4 are all yakkin' without much else going on, at least not visually. We need more tension, a more sinister feel to the whole situation. More terror.

Overall, though, a nice spooky, well-written script, and a fun read.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I'm not sure you needed to place THE END at the bottom, especially considering that this is a screenplay and not a children's story. But whatever floats your bobber, fishsticks. I didn't lessen your score any, in fact, I didn't lessen your score at all; I gave you a perfect since that's what you are and that's what this script is. Perfect form, perfect set up, perfect anticipation and perfectly filmable. Wonderful work and I look forward to you revealing your identity and it turning out that you're not such a creep after all.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I don't know about this one. I found it frusterating trying to desifer what mary was saying. And I think it took to long to get to the meet of the story. Also what year and area does this take place in. I got a Jack the Ripper era london, but that was probebly because of mary and her knife. I was not 100% sure what happend at the end either. did the girl turn into shadows that turned into rats that ate mary?

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

Your’s is a good story and a very well-written script. However, I simply don’t understand why you’ve not used the transitions FADE IN and FADE OUT in your formatting. Isn’t the industry practice to put them in the beginning and end respectively?

You also don’t prefer to use the dialog extension ‘(CONT’D)’ for a character continuing the speech. I really don’t know if it’s okay to omit that.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

You story is fairly well written, but it seems a bit stagnant. The long conversation seems to test the reader a little, and the accent felt a little comedic for the situation. I feel a little more focus on some action would increase the pace of this piece and breathe a little life into it. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This was fantastic. One of VERY few Excellents I've given out so far.

One thing... the bit at the end with the rat looking at "us". You broke that fourth wall and there was no good reason for it. This sort of cheapened the effect of the real ending (just before it).

And "The End" isn't correct. Use "FADE OUT:"

Other than those two small issues, well... it's great.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

As soon as Sarah appeared I knew she was the rat. Other reference along the way supported that feeling: The mentioning of and description of the Manchester Monster. So since the ending reveal was predictable, then the middle should be at least exciting to witness, however it was three pages of Mary and Sarah talking, with Mary asking or hinting to take Sarah home six different times. I'd prefer a "cat and mouse" chase sequence to the dialogue. Overall the story is "set-up, talking, reveal", and this could be improved by making it "set-up, action, reveal", or "set-up, reveal over early, action". Setting-wise probably the creepiest of the month so far; you succeeded in bringing me into the atmosphere, felt like the picture you wanted me to see was quite clear. Writing in general was very strong.

Comments Made After the Contest

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:40 AM

Nice job with this Michael. :)

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 6:50 PM

Hey thanks Marnie...and Tim and Jose too. I had fun writing it, I wanted to write something a bit more British this time and I think it worked. If people thought this draft was flowery, they should have seen the earlier one.

And yes, Caroline, I realised I was treading on shaky dialect ground, but I figured more people wouldn't notice than would. Frank, I thought it was stretching things to reference Pan but it was a good indication of the time period and it might not have been a pop reference then, but it is today.

I do know that the phonetic dialogue doesn't work for some people but I used it for this because it gave the script lots of flavour.

The biggest surprise is that some people didn't get Mary's motivations - she was out at night because she is a prostitute. A HUNGRY older prostitute who chases and eats rats. She wants to bring Sarah home because she wants a reward, it would let her live well for a while. She brandishes the knife at Sarah to threaten her, she'll kill her and eat her if she doesn't tell Mary where she lives.

Anyway, that's about it. Thanks for the comments all.