Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Really good leyend. I can't tell if it's based on an old folk tale or something you made up. I just have a couple of questions: who is the little girl in relation to the old woman? Why do people keep letting her babysit if all her charges go missing at harvest time? What time period are we in? Because of the tone I picture both Melanie's story and the old woman's story to be taking place in olden times, but you never specify. I guess the old woman and the little girl could be in the present. How old is the little girl? Some minimal tweaking of the script could answer all those questions.
Also you might want to cut down the voice over a little bit and just show the action. It would just be implied that the old woman is still talking, but we are just seeing it instead of having to listen to every word.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Good effort! Creative and imaginative. I generally enjoy scripts that favor dialog over descriptive text, but in this case, I think the dialog was a bit drawn out. The old lady told the story to the little girl in really big chunks at a time. It may have worked a little better if the entire story was treated more like a "flash-back" as opposed to a narrative bit. This would allow the reader to see what was happening rather than hearing what was happening. I know this sort of thing is really difficult to accomplish, because I dealt with a huge flashback scene when I wrote my first feature length screenplay. Like I said, good effort! Difficult genre here and I'm really excited to see the results next month. Best of luck!

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

A couple long dialogue segments, but I guess there is no way to avoid it with someone telling a story. Also the baby's head getting cut off was a little comical (for me).
I'm not sure if a series of shots can work with just dialogue. I would look into it.
Cool story overall, and neat story being told. Good work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The genre is firmly horror, so that's good. The pace is way too slow due to very large chunks of dialogue that need to be tightened up substantially. I didn't notice any typos or formatting errors. The story itself was decent, but a little dull. We're basically listening to an old lady tell a story the whole time and the only interesting visuals are Melanie cutting off the baby's head and then The Hag nabbing the little girl at the end. There were a few logistical errors I noted. Did Melanie work the fields or tend goats when she'd venture out for her daily chores? Why would the old lady sacrifice the little girl? I was under the assumption they were grandmother/granddaughter or at least niece/aunt. I didn't understand why she'd sacrifice a family member and if they were not family, then what was the little girl doing hanging out with her at all? I don't know... Kind of a minor thing, but it bothered me enough that I thought about it more than once when I got to the end of your script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You don't need the CONTINUEDs

I do feel the Old Woman's story goes on and ON...with very little of dramatic interest in it. It's WAY WAY too long. The beginning and the end of your screenplay are good, but the middle (from the second para to the penultimate para) just drag I'm afraid.

You need to think of a way of radically tightening this up to make it work.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

Very nicely done. A well constructed and effectively told dark fairy tale. It reminded me of the Hans Christian Anderson stories. I really liked the little details of the script; like how the Hag wouldn't wash because she couldn't look at herself in the water's reflection out of shame.

The dialogue had a good flow to it, very fluid and organic. There were a few awkward moments in the dialogue, but nothing that can't be corrected by a quick polish. The characters came through clearly. As I was reading, I could see the movie in my mind vividly.

The ending was a bit predictable but still effective. Overall, this was a very entertaining read. Again, very nice job!

Cheyenne Diehl (Level 1)

I was addicted to your script when I first read it. Very complex and detailed, I enjoyed the tale. I had guessed that the Old Woman was The Hag but the ending was phenomenal. The girl being carried off by The Hag and her appearing on the cloth was a very good twist. This was an excellent script and I could see the tale as it happened. Very good.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Is this about a mother-in-law? I kid.
No need for (CONTINUED), we know how to turn a page or in this case scroll down. VO, oh I hate VO.
Well this is good tale and I see the VO is the only way to make it fit 5 pages. But damn it's a lot of dialog blabbing, this is movie, not a talkie. I would suggest fleshing this story out more visually and go wild with it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really like your writing and mood and tone you establish.

This feels like a classic fairy tale.

What doesn't work for me, is the ending. Why does the old lady do this to the girl? It does seem like this girl is good, so the story didn't make a lot of sense to me - even though I thought the writing was very good.

David Birch (Level 5)

probably gonna get dinged for all the V.O., but if it's needed to move your story then go for it...lots of visuals going on...the twist (for me) seemed telegraphed...i suspected from the start that the old woman was up to something...anyway...you got a lot done in 5 pages...so, good on 'ya...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

So, is the old woman the Hag? This is tough for me to grade, I mean, it isn't what I'm used to. Having the story told through voice over is really cutting corners to fit a story in five pages.

This is certainly a cautionary tale for the young. I can't say I cared for it personally, but the story is fresh and original to me. Unfortunately the ending left me somewhat confused.

I didn't notice any glaring format errors. The continueds and the mores were a little distracting. You should go into your control panel or whatever and turn that off for these 5 pagers.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I enjoyed this story very much. A lot of "voice over", more than I usually care for, but it was needed for the story. Very good job.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I very much liked the premise of the story. A good, folksy tale of a village frightened by a scary witch driven to madness by her careless killing of her child.
What didn't worked was the use of narrative throughout most of the screenplay to describe rather than to show the action. A novel is a novel. A movie is a movie.
Are you trying to tell a storyline or show your storyline visually.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

I really thought the story was cool. But, I almost felt like I was reading a novel during the long dialogue from the old woman. Definitely made it a bit hard to read. Overall, Great idea. Great job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I'm really really sorry to say that this is not a good screenplay. Maybe it isn't meant to be a screenplay because it reads more like a short story book. The entire story is told through dialogue with a few images here and there. It'll get very tiring just listening to the story instead of seeing it. Even when Melanie's story is finished, the Old Woman's dialogue is simply to long and clunky.

Why don't you just show us the story of Melanie instead of having it told by someone else? I think that would definitely make it more suspenseful and interesting.

Anyway, nice try.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I liked the concept a lot, but I might be a little biased since my entry was similar : )

I'll admit that I am partial to horror stories that kind of play out like dark fairy tales, so I did enjoy reading your story. I'm on the fence about the effectiveness of having the old woman tell the story all the way through, but it did add to that urban legend feel. The twist seemed a little forced to me, because I did see it coming, however the visual of embroidery was very well done and an excellent touch.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

This is such a great story. I loved it that the folk story had two endings and that it is somewhat ambiguous what happens to the little girl. So so creepy. I liked the series of shots and the efficient action lines. Very creative. I am giving this one an excellent.

Javier Garcia (Level 1)

I thought this script was fair at first. I believe what made me change me mind from fair to good was the very creative ending that closed the whole story. The part where you mention the other version to the story is kind of vuge. I believe you could do without this part and throw something else in that can make the story more interesting.

Javier

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

A few things confused me. Melanie became the Hag, right? She was the beautiful woman who became ugly after she lost her mind from killing her baby. So why does it say on pg 4 that the Hag wants to replace her Melanie? There it sounds like the baby's name was Melanie, but we never actually learned of the baby's name, right? Also, not getting a clear picture of who someone would hang a sickle on their shoulder and in turn cut of the baby's head. Good ending though.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You definitely should work on your writing skills as well. I felt as though the old lady and the little girl were speaking the exact same way. There should of been a difference. The old lady should say certain words, and phrase things differently. The way she told the story was as if she was reading it straight out of a children book.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have come up with an original fantasy/fairytale screenplay. The story is intriguing to a young family an children’s audience. Characters and dialogue are clearly delineated.

However, you use tons of dialogue to tell not show me your story. I would like to see a lot more and hear a lot less.

On the last page however you take up half the page with 16 action lines unleveated by dialog.

Lots of good writing but I think restructuring is required for this effort to be a successful script. Of couse, just my thoughts to consider or toss as you wish.

“They say the Hag wants another little girl to replace her (Melanie)…” – I understood that ‘Melanie was the original name of the Hag. I never caught the baby’s name. So this was confusing to the reader.

Good take on evil haunting in female form.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Damn. That was some messed up shit for real...LOL!!!

You got me good. I honestly did not expect the ending to go the way it did. I mean, I had a feeling, but I really didn't think the script was gonna go that way. Your writing did well to hide what the outcome was going to be like.

Grandma spinning yarn and tales, then the next thing you know... Sacrificed to the Old Hag! There was a dark tone present throughout the script and the tale itself. That last bit in the room with the wind rattling and the Old Hag coming in was nicely done.

Your Montage was incorrectly formatted. You need to show what happens in each shot, not just give a description for the series of shots in general.

The final scene when the Old Hag takes the little girl, you should add another Slug Line to state that some time has passed when the old woman returns to say her final words.

Ovearll, you did a Very Good Job with this script and I congratulate you on a very creepy and well written tale. Best of all, you managed to do it Bloodlessly. Cheers.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Too much double talk and redundancy. I was waiting for a script about a scary old lady. Sorry but this has way too much dialogue or voice over and does nothing for the story this isn't a movie you got here my friend this is a cute lil short story.

Your characters don't have any names so you didn't bother to describe them. You went for the fairy tale point of view. One of your monologues goes on for like 10 lines who wants to sit through all that talking film or motion pictures as they are called need to be about people in action because actions speak louder than words. Your format aint bad but I can't connect with this story because (no pun intended) it doesn't move me in the slightest.

I'm not trying to put you down but I want you to take another crack at it. Ok, let me ask you this would you rather read a newspaper, or actually be there as the events unfold? Keep writing. Good luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

p2 - "She carrying her sickle,"
p3 - "Melanie looks in horror at what she has done." - looking at a bloody picture, please show it to us too!

This one scares me a great deal! All the rest of them were just tales compared to yours. It's creepy, I had to look back... for the hag.

Excellent

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific setup, like an old-fashioned fable. The Old Woman in her rocking chair embroidering the hideous hag with the little Girl "wide-eyed" watching is well written. Although it's clear, the next scene, "Log Cabin," should reference that it's not in the same time period.
Melanie, her Husband and the Baby are generic, but it works because the Old Woman is relating a fable. Melanie's story gets more intriguing when she places her baby into "a soft cloth pouch" on her back to work in the fields.
The description by the Old Woman of the husband playing and tickling the baby is long, but endearing. Another long description finds Melanie resting on a stump, where she hangs the sickle "over her shoulder," and cuts "the baby's head...off."
Unfortunately, from this point until near the end, the script goes awry. The story is very good, but the presentation as lengthy V.O. after V.O. from the Old Woman is too much to absorb.
Seems there's an inconsistency with who "the Hag" is. A line reads, "...nobody saw Melanie, who they now just called "The Hag..." Farther along is another line, "They say the Hag wants another little girl to replace her Melanie..."
Probably less story would help. There is a lot of material here that would look great in a movie.
The script gets back on track at the end when the little Girl accepts the hag-cloth for the Old Woman. It's interesting, the description is visual, and the Old Woman's final dialogue is terrific.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I think the title could be better.

This is a silly question, but doesn't the name Melanie sound immediately too modern to be stuck in a fable-esque "once upon a time" story?

There's a lot of VO. Huge chunks of VO. I'd be surprised if I were the only one to caution you against this technique. Audiences want more doing and less describing.

A neat twist ending which, even though I expected it, you pulled off in a very neat way with the cloth being blank like that. All in all, the story was pretty darn good, but the execution of it should probably have been vastly changed. The VO technique did a great disservice to your story, and I'm afraid that most reviewers are going to be turned off by the craft and technique. But I thought your story was wonderful. Very Good!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a great story. I like that you used three females and did a misdirect from the old woman to Melanie.

You took a risk by using VO, but it works for the most part. For me, at least. I think you could trim down the talking and put more action into the telling, though. The action is pretty thin as it is.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

That was a very cool story. Scary and very creepy. I think the Old Woman's storytelling was a bit long though. I think you could make it even more suspensful if you gave the tale she tells a bit of a trim. That would quicken the pace and I don't think you'd lose any of the impact of the story.

I really liked this...very good job!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The large blocks of voice-over look bad on the page. You could stand to break them up with some new actions, as something will have to be on screen for the whole time she's talking.

I really like the fairy-tale feel of the story, and the traditional bogey-person that every place seems to have at least one story of.

OLD WOMAN turns into WOMAN once when she's talking to GIRL (give your characters some names, also).

The twist was very obvious from "But there's another version of the story...", and right from the beginning I suspected the old woman of being a hag. Not that it's that important to the story, but that twist didn't work for me.

Good.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Neat way to open the story. Voiceover, normally a warning sign, works well. Good twist at the end. Few format quibbles, no major style errors noted.

Series of shots should specify individual shots, one per line, with a letter or two dashes preceding. I.e., A. Melanie wanders the woods weeping. B. Villagers throw stones at a disheveled Melanie, who runs back to the forest., and so on. Voiceover narration could be tightened up a little, and given a more distinct 'voice' for the grandmother telling the tale. End with FADE OUT so we know we're at the end. I mistook the old woman for the girl's grandmother at first, you might wish to clarify that she's a neighbor or something to make the final twist more plausible.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

like the twist and it would be disturbing seeing them on the cloth...really scary as it unravels, but you didn't do it justice. Build up that powerful imagery and let it linger. Also, WAAAY too much dialogue, it's just voice-overs. Perhaps a little voice-over and just show the rest, or just do something like a flashback? Or switch back to the young girl and the old lady again. That way there's more of a connection. It is a strong story, but it can be so much more powerful. Loved the premise, think you kind of skipped over the best moments. Let the ending linger.

BEST MOMENT: The ending, the girl on the cloth being unraveled is truly the stuff of nightmares.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

You pulled me in immediately with your tight screenwriting and clear, concise narrative which was easy to follow and visualize. I don't mind stories in which a character tells the story to someone else. It's technically not "narration" in its traditional sense and it's a technique I use sometimes.

In this case, it's over-killed. There's simply too much of the Old Woman telling her tale. Her voice-overs go on far too long, for over twenty lines in some spots. If you are showing us exactly what she is saying, the voice-over dialogue is not needed.

Visuals, visuals, visuals. I think your tight action text robbed us of some scary and necessary visuals. You have a "series of shots," but I only discerned one shot really and just more dialogue from the Old Woman.

I do love your setting and the telling of this "urban legend" to the kids as they get older.

The image of the disfigured Hag appearing behind the little Girl is very, very creepy, but it becomes obvious fairly early on that the Little Girl isn't going to live past "FADE OUT.," which is missing, by the way.

Provide proper names for your significant characters and ages for all of them.

Small note: The (V. O.) next to the Old Woman's name shouldn't have spaces, it should be (V.O.).

Formatting appears in order overall; only detected a few minor typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I think you may have a good sttory here. It needs a little work in my opinion though. The long monolouges and voice overs really made it drag. It was just tough to read at points. I think you can break it up with descriptions just to quicken the pace. Also during some of your vo's I think you can add descriptions, just to help the reader visualize everything better. You have a good creepy story here, keep at it.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Interesting.

I liked how you changed it up a bit and had the "killer" be someone IN a story, in the film. That was cool and much different.

I thought the grandma would be killing the the little girl as soon as I started reading haha.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

There are some strong images in the story. I wasn't sure who the little girl was, what her relationship was to the old woman. I get that the old woman has lured her there, but I still would like to know what the relationship is between the old woman and the girl.

I think there was too much voice over. You could intersperse it with action, so that we don't have a lot of talking on screen.

The story was good though, and I think it could be stronger with a rewrite, I hope you take the time to do it, because this could be a really spooky story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good, until the end. It was very intriguing and I really couldn't wait to find out what was going to happen. But when I did find out it was a little disappointing. Why? Because it didn't make any sense according to either version of the legend. It's closest to the second version -- the priest's version. So, I guess the old woman is supposedly a witch, and she's making a "hag-cloth" to bring the hag into town to steal a bad child. But why was the cloth blank? It seems like a blank cloth isn't a hag-cloth at all. And, I thought she only took bad children. And what was the relationship between the old woman and the little girl? And then, why did the cloth suddenly have a picture of the hag carrying off a little girl? Very spooky stuff, but it kinda changed the story at the last minute. You set us up with two possible versions of the story, but what actually happens is a third thing we didn't know was possible. Not a very satisfying ending. If you're gonna tell us the rules, you have to stick with them.

One small thing I noticed. On Page 4, the old woman says, "They say the Hag wants another little girl to replace her Melanie..." But, the Hag IS Melanie, if I understood the story correctly.

Anyway, pretty good and spooky, but I was a little disappointed by the end.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Lots of talking in this one but that didn't necessarily lessen the impact of the story. I do wish there was less talking and more action, as it seems to finish rather abruptly, but it seems to work for what the story needed. In reality, it doesn't get all that scary until the end, but that's where the deep impact comes so it's forgiven.

Not bad at all. The craft was done right, I don't notice any major errors or anything of the sort. An old wives tale turned into a horror. Not bad@

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The idea was original and scary, but since it was all TOLD in the VO, it kinda lost me. There wasn't enough character development of the old woman & the girl, all this telling of the story & series of shots about the minor characters didn't do much to build suspense or fear.

I suggest a fix by gutting all the VO to a minimal, condensed ending of the tale and making the girl afraid. Then the old woman can toy with her by making reassurances leading to the climax at the end. I also suggest focusing on the girl - need more interaction from her POV so we feel shocked & horrified by the ending.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I've read your script twice and feel that it has some serious flaws that really hurt the final product. The first thing you need to look at are the monster blocks of dialogue. The general rule is no more than four lines per block of dialogue. Breaking dialogue up with action relieves the reader and keeps the story moving. In that same vein, the Old Woman VO for the entire story is, in my opinion, unnecessary. Especially in this case it seems like a way to cram the story into five pages. In the end, it tests the reader's patience.

As far as the story goes, I'm not sure I fully understand it. The old woman tells an elaborate folktale about "The Hag" stitching, then casually talks about witches. Then it turns out she is a witch? Or is there another untold explanation for the girl being kidnapped? Who is this old woman and why is this little girl in her living room? The girl obviously trusts and adores the old woman. These are a few questions that I'm left with at the end. Overall, I think this needs some work. A re-write or two and you'll be in business. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I liked the ending a lot... but it was a looooooong road.

The problem is that there is so much long, uninterrupted dialogue, that I don't SEE a story, I am TOLD a story.

Scripts = Movies and movies are visual... so you need to provide us with more visual to give the story true impact.

You could easily rewrite the storytelling bits so that they are just 1/2 the length and provide yourself a lot of room for more visual elements.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great story and great ending. In fact, this needs to be expanded into something bigger and better.

The only thing that prevents this from being excellent is that there is way, way too much dialogue. You can easily cut back the old woman's telling of the story and give us more "show" to reveal what's happening. This can also offer much more in the suspense department if we're not given a "play-by-play" and will also provide much more visual description. That's the only thing you'd need to do.

Most importantly, the story idea is solid and really pays off. A strong rewrite can make this a perfect horror script.

Great stuff!

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 1:45 AM

The spookies one for me! I want to reread but can't:) (too scared)