Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good use of several females to keep us guessing. I would get rid of the line where Duncan wonders if the cop is the witch just because it allows the audience to think that for themselves. It's good that Darcy ends up being the witchbut I would see if you can think of an ending that is more solid than just a rhyming punch line. You can make it stronger.

Horror films seem to commonly prey upon the stupid and yet audiences are often most terrified when the victim is just like themselves. Layla is not necessarily a character that we root for and so we are less connected to the story. Think of Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. She gives us someone to root for and she seems normal. Just a thought.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I'm assuming the sacrifice of the police officer made the witch show up as a possesed Darcy, but that's only my guess. I think you need to make a little clearer exactly what happens.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Wow! That was a really well written script! When I first read the title, I was expecting something different, but I was pleasantly surprised. Very well formatted, super easy to follow, plenty of tension, great dialog and a superb twist on the end. The only question that came to mind was "could a knife penetrate a bullet proof vest?" Perhaps the Officer was not wearing one, but I'm really nitpicking there. I have a lot more scripts to read for this contest, but so far, this is my favorite. Great work!

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

When the one girl says they need the other to feed the witch, you are telling us the whole right there. All suspense is good from that point on because we know exactly what is happening now. And once the cop shows up things got a little confusing, maybe the page count made you rush into squeezing it all in too quickly.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well. Nice, tight writing. A few plot points that didn't really work for me... Cops generally wear kevlar vests so stabbing her repeatedly in the chest probably wouldn't do a whole lot of damage. I'd recommend having her stab the cop repeatedly in the throat instead. The other plot point that didn't work for me is a biggie... Darcy. This character didn't make sense to me. At the start, she's a timid nerd getting bullied in to the trunk and made to pass out. Then the trunk opens and she's a full fledged witch. If she was a witch all along, why wouldn't she just kill Layla & Duncan right at the start? It didn't add up for me. Overall, very well written story, but the above mentioned points brought the score down a bit for me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was a pretty good story!

Some notes for your consideration...

Shut up, you stupid, little shit! - too many commas in this sentence.

CLICK OF BOOT HEELS ECHO LOUDER - I'm not an idiot. I don't need you to capitalise things so I'll notice them, if that's why you did it.

I'm not sure if the last line - fucking bitch/fucking witch - actually works. It's the wrong tone for the piece.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Who arranges these things. This is the second witch story in a row. Oh snap the third or fourth bad girl Goth chick. Sure they're hot, but I don't see them as bad guys, now cowgirls or Russian cowgirls that's some evil shit.
Wow this was going so well, but how could they grab the witch? I would have been more satisfied if the cop was the witch. But hell it's hard to get more elaborate in 5 pages. This was imaginative and I could see this being expanded into a low budget horror. You've got the seeds of something here.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is great.

I love the characters and tension you create.

But the twist ending feels very forced.

David Birch (Level 5)

everything was written very well...nice images...dialog flowed...the story was a little weak...played to cliches a little too much for my taste...would have preferred more "backstory" to get motivations for each one's actions...otherwise it just plays out as a nice scene, as opposed to a nice story...which is what you have with just a little more...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I thought this was a creative vehicle for your story, this witch. A crisp read was moving right along, I was enjoying it. when officer Kern comes on the scene I think, aha! here's the twist, Kern is the witch.

Too bad it wasn't, I don't buy that Darcy was the witch, we don't even know where she came from, she's just detained there from the beginning. There was no set-up for it at all. It ruined for me an otherwise very good, creative story. Downgraded to good.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

Wow! I actually DIDN'T see the ending coming - it never actually occurred to me, while reading it, that Darcy would turn out to be the witch. Nice job on that! This script seems really producable.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I don't think I understood the ending. Was Darcy the witch? The SP was well written and the story was easy to follow.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

Not a bad idea. I thought the story was a tad contradicting, and had some plot faults. Why did she wait so long to reveal herself as the witch? A witch allowing some kids to stuff her in a trunk in the first place is a bit unconvincing. The story is good. I think if it was presented in a different way it could go a long way. Good job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is an okay entry. The story is there, but not much more. The things that are really lacking are the backstory and character depth. I really want to know more about this "Witch" that people are worshiping. The setting seems during the modern times, so why are people giving the Witch sacrifice? I also want to know about the relationship between Duncan and Layla. How do they catch Darcy in the first place?

I realize this is only a 5 pager short, so maybe I should give you some slack.

The ending is alright. Although it is predictable from the middle of the story, that ending seems inevitable to this story.

A good effort though.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I absolutely loved the last line. It was very clever. I also thought making Darcy the with was a great twist, and actually did come as a surprise, though I am wondering why she would have even let them put her in the trunk in the first place. The only quibble I have is the dialouge ranged from natural to unnatural, especially in Layla's part. Other than that, I thought it would make a good horror short.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked the set up and pay off re the identity of the witch. Even a bit of misdirection with the officer. Well done, and hard to pull off in five short pages. The goth kids seem a bit generic. Could we know what they specifically want? I'm a fan of short titles, so I liked this one. Also the whole "which witch" concept is kind of embedded in the title - very nice.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Good characterization, particularly with Kern. I think a bit of foreshadowing would be nice really early on. Something to hint at the fact that she might be the witch.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The title is not too appealing.

Okay, I really didn't expect the girl in the trunk to be the witch. That was clever, but poorly executed. Especially the last line. Was it supposed to come off as being a little corny? If it was, then, okay.

I know you only have five pages, but I wish the characters had a little more depth. I didn't get Layla. I thought most goth kids were quiet, unless they were on drugs. Maybe I'm wrong. I just didn't really like it, that's all. Nothing stood out.

To sum it up: Too plain, starting with the title.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Nice twist but there wasn't enough setup of Darcy. I liked how the cop might have been the witch but wasn't, that was an effective misdirection, and helped to draw attention from Darcy and didn't make the ending obvious. However, we didn't get enough of a chance to meet Darcy, to see her "bait the trap", so the ending was a bit unsatisfying because we weren't really rooting for her yet. You can trim a lot of "boilerplate" dialogue, for example instead of "license and registration" and all that stuff the we expect a cop to say, just start with the first unexpected line: "plan on bugging the witch tonight?" The exposition in the dialogue wasn't too heavy-handed, but it could have been even more subtle.

Overall, I felt this was a strong story but it needed a lot more revision and attention to detail to reach its full potential.

John Brooke (Level 5)

First off, what does a ‘Goth Teen’ look like? They must look bloody evil to be in this non-stop bloody horror show.

You concept is okay, but you have creatively grown the old Halloween with the witch thing into something very contemporary and frightening.

You have vividly produced evil incarnate in your character Layla. All your characters are well drawn and believable. Although I was totally blown away with the transformation of Darcy at the end.

Your flow is staccato but it does move forward to really incredible surprises. You really sucked me in with your police woman character Kern. Jeez, I was fooled, I thought sure as hell that she was the ‘Witch!’

Bloody good show. I shall return and try to be more specific.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

First of all I have to praise you for the line: "No. Fucking witch" -- it put a smile on my face. :)

I've got mixed feelings about your story. I thought the section with the police officer was very good with some nice dialogue to boot.

I think the main problem is your story seems to start part way through a bigger story. I know you've only got five pages but I would have, for example, liked to known more about Darcy -- Why did Layla choose her to sacrifice? Was Darcy the quiet, shy loner who sat in the corner of class that wouldn't be missed?

What is the great prize for sacrificing? Money? Supernatural powers? Why does Layla want the prize? Is Layla just pure evil or does she have something missing in her life?

There was too many unanswered questions for my liking.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a fun little script. The story is non-complicated and straightforward. Pagans taking their sacrifice to a witch get stopped along the way only to experience the horror of the witch's fury. Your title could have been improved upon by adding something to 'Witch' that would allude to the circumstances of the script.

The dialogue could use some work. It felt forced and heavy throughout the entire script. The action scenes were clearly described, so that was good, but story-wise, things could have been better. I wish there was something in there besides Darcy being the witch or being possessed by the witch. As it is, the story feels empty and non-substantial. Overall, a Good entry.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I can see you in your chair afraid to let your writing flow. Alot of these adverbs seem awkward. She stares angrily into the face of a goth teen. I yawned because it doesn't flow it just seems like you are trying way too hard.

Your dialogue does the same as well " Calm the F^&^ down, or your dead. We get it. You don't have to say or your dead in fact that shouldn't even be there because she's repeating herself she slaps her.

Great what is her reaction to the slap so your action seems sort of slapped (no pun intended) together. Your dialogue though short can be shorter believe it or not. You force in profanity for no reason and it doesn't sound natural. It's like you had it written out then you added stuff that makes things seem rehearsed and stilted.

While strong verbs are great to use, you used them in a way that just didn't flow. You aren't showing us anything just using random verbs. This isn't horror by the way. I'm so interested by how so many people want to make killers/monsters the heroes or glamourize a revenge factor here.

So if she's a witch why didn't she just do it before. Truth is she shouldn't have said a word. Who are they talking about before, why are they doing wnat they are doing?

These are your main characters and don't need flashbacks but what a lame ending that makes no darn sense only kind of winks at the reader and isn't even cliffhanger just feels like you ended it because, you ran out of pages. Not a twist and not even a horror. Sorry but blood splattering on her face does not a horror make. Too many holes in this story to make it complete.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

p4 - "Kern backs up. LAYLA Both of you out of the car - now." - shouldn't it be "KERN Both of you out of the car - now.".

A good story with a twist. Well written - easy to read writing.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story fits the horror genre perfectly.
Characters are different from each other. Layla, a parent's worse nightmare, is a foul-mouthed teen "in black on black on black." Funny. Poor little Darcy is a victim. Duncan, with no backbone, doesn't even drive his Dad's car, and Officer Kern is "hardcore." Makes keeping track of everyone easy.
Dialogue works. Clear from the start that Layla is in charge. Particularly like Layla and Duncan's mislead, though, as they wait for Officer Kern to reach their car: "You know what the witch looks like?" Layla replies, "No one does..." and Duncan concludes, "What if it's her?" Considering the prompt, it could have been the female officer. Interesting twist when the witch turns out to be Darcy.
Predictably, the slashing scene at the end annihilates everyone. Yuck, but good job.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Does "Goth" equal "horror"? I just ask because I've seen several Goth characters roaming the pages this month.

I had no idea Darcy was a girl until Duncan pops out with a feminine pronoun. I went back and noticed that Layla slapped "her" in the face, but with ambiguous names like that, it's really beneficial if you let us know these things right away.

"Duncan recoils, smashing his hand into his face." I'm having trouble imagining Duncan hitting himself.

Although it's a twist that Darcy is the witch, there's never any proper setup for the twist. Here's what I mean. We have no idea where Darcy's from, how Layla knows Darcy, why Layla chose Darcy as her sacrifice, etc., etc. Without any clues in the backstory, we can't go back and exclaim, "Aha! I should've seen it coming but I never did!" For a true twist, we have to feel fooled by the skill of the author. Darcy being the witch, though, I don't feel fooled by it because there were no breadcrumbs there in the first place. It's like saying, "Aha! The car is really the witch!" Anyone can become the witch, but I can't feel satisfied unless there was a proper setup to make me slap myself on the forehead (like Duncan) and say, "You got me."

Besides, if Darcy really was the witch, why'd she submit to Layla in the first place? Doesn't make sense to me.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this, and I really hope that isn't the kiss of death for your chances of placing.

The only thing I'd really question here is where they found Darcy. Did the witch take her over or was she the witch all the time?

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I know you were going for a shocking twist here but it didn't really work for me. If Darcy had all that power, why would she allow Layla to control her at all? I really liked it until that was revealed. If I'm not the only one who says that, you might want to rework the ending.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There was great tension throughout the whole script.

The twist wasn't that surprising or interesting, but I like how it finishes off all the characters. It was well set-up when Duncan posited that Kern might be the witch.

Page 4: Layla's line "Both of you - out of the car - now" should obviously belong to Kern.

Accurate dialogue and teen characters as well.

Good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I liked the simplicity of this short. The limited setting and small cast size are suited for such a tale.

I thought the opening abduction could have been tightened up. I understand the need to set the backstory but it seemed a little drawn out.

The scenes with the officer were the most exciting part of the story. There was good tension built there as we anticipate the outcome of when this trunk is finally opened. Although I think the initial approach of the officer could be trimmed. The "liscence/speeding/you kids been drinking" banter is just filler. Just get right to the meat... the witch talk.

The end was okay. It's sort of a surprise but it comes across sort of gimmicky, rather than a 'wow' moment. Leaves me wondering where they found this Darcy and why a witch would allow herself to be bound and gagged only to reveal herself at a surprise moment.

Overall, my biggest gripe is just a lack of involvement in the story. The characters don't feel like real people, they feel like characters and I failed to genuinely conect with anyone. The script just seems overly contrived.

It's still a well done entry. The narrative, dialogue and formatting are all good. (except one line where Layla says "Both of you - out of the car - now." -- should be Kern's line)"
You writing flows well and keeps a nice rhythm. I just think it's missing something when it comes to engaging the audience and pulling them into the action.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

"Black on black on black," clever. Neat twist at the end, though there's not really any setup for it.

Tighten action text. Go lean and mean. Dialogue feels a little forced in spots, although revealing exposition through an argument is a good start. Don't need INT/EXT when most of the action takes place outside, the reader will understand that one party's inside the car. INT/EXT would be used if you were, say, intercutting between race car drivers and the Indy 500. Or Batman on the roof and the crooks inside as the van drives into the river or something. Needs edit pass for character slugs.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Some nice twists. I like the way the officer knew what was going on, really changes the dynamic in an otherwise clichéd scene. Love how you messed around with that. Also nice that you didn't really show the witch herself, just her puppet, also unexpected. The ending is a bit too fast I assume, like a SLAM CUT TO credits, but I guess it works in horror films. Congrats on an interesting read, I think you did make your characters a bit too simple, just the normal evil Gothic gang and the righeous officer, a little twist in those personalities would have given it some more spice. Overall I liked it.

BEST MOMENT: The officer naming the witch. She was dead on and you could really connect with the character's tension there.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I thought you did a really great job with this. This was tremendous fun. There's a bunch of twists, turns, red-herrings, misdirections, etc.

I'm left with some unanswered plot questions and explanations, but it didn't stop me from enjoying this overall.

One of my two gripes, and I think you meant to do this, is the tone throughout. At times, it takes on a flippant, comedic tone, especially Darcy's final line of dialogue.

The other is the dialogue itself, especially Duncan's, who serves as the plot exposition character.

Also, maybe a different title would work.

With a re-write and possible expansion, this could be exceptional.

It's absolutely no big deal, but Officer Kern would run into some constitutional rights problems with searching the trunk like she did. Again, no big deal, I feel like an ass for writing that.

Your screenwriting is excellent; format appears acceptable; didn't detect any typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was solid story wise. You had a lot of mistakes, which I think may hurt you. Just watch out for those in the future. I'd also tighten the dialogue a little bit. Overall though I liked your characters, Layla was terrific. You really justified her death. I enjoyed that. I liked the nice twist of Darcy being the witch. That was fun.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

I liked this a lot.

Nice add in for the witch which kids see every year.

This worked really good, and the dialog was awesome.

Nice writing, an easy read indeed.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I was really into the story until Darcy turned out to be the witch. That was so out there and implausible, that I couldn't buy into it. It's as if you had to end the story, (which you did, cos we have that darn five page limit), and you needed an ending.

I would much rather have really had the cop be the killer, that would have been better in some ways, maybe too easy of a fix, but better than Darcy. I just don't think Darcy would have been able to be caught, much less abused and locked in the trunk of a car.

I like the way you write, the story flowed well, and the characters were strong and distinguishable. Layla was very colorful and well drawn.

Nice work except you need to tweak the ending imho.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a very well-written screenplay, and it got off to a great start -- good characters, nice narrative descriptions, good dialogue, spooky plot -- but it faltered in the end. Why? Because the story changed. You set us up for one story, then you finished with something else. The set-up was great -- two goth kids taking a human sacrifice to a witch. So, we're wondering what's going to happen when they get there. Is this all real? Or is the volatile Layla gonna explode somehow and wreak some other kind of havoc? Then, you throw in a very nice complication -- a cop stops them on the way. Still a very strong and intriguing story (and still a nice opportunity for some fireworks by Layla). But then it all changes, and the victim (who was really nothing in the story to this point) very illogically turns out to be the witch. The End. Huh? I wuz robbed! Surprise is great in a story, but it's not AUTOMATICALLY great. It ought to enhance the story, not change it.

This script definitely has lots of potential. I would recommend tinkering with the ending so you bring the original story to a satisfying conclusion worthy of the first four pages.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not bad at all. Was actually expecting the cop to be the witch and was surprised to find out it was the goth they initially had tied up. Though it's odd that the goth, if actually the witch, would allow herself to go through all of that.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Liked the interplay between Duncan and Layla, particularly the "no smoking" line. Using Officer Kern as an expository character worked pretty well, also. I don't think that a goth teen could take on this hard-core looking police woman. She'd pretty much be ready for anything, but, for the sake of brevity, I suppose it works. Didn't buy at all the idea of Darcy being the witch, other wise she would "reacted" earlier when it appeared her life was really in danger. Perhaps she was just playing them for time. Few different ways this could have turned out, but I don't think that Darcy as the witch was the best choice.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is fairly well written, but the story is lacking. Why would Darcy allow all this to happen if she's the witch? The attempt at the the double twist with the cop comes off as a little weak given the story as a whole. Your dialogue seems pretty natural, although in Layla's first line you should lose the commas. Cheers!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Darcy can float, she has enough strength to kill Duncan with her hands, bullets can't stop her, and yet Duncan and Layla were able to tie her up? Perhaps Darcy wanted them to capture her so she could eat them, or her witch powers only transform after a certain time of the night; it would have been great to have that clarity. The pacing seems it needs to move faster. It took a page and a half for Layla and Duncan to get driving to their destination. No frills title could be improved. Concept-wise I don't mind the story. I think the stories with a realism to it come across more frightening then fantasy stories.

Comments Made After the Contest

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:02 PM

Hey Bill,

This was my second to last script to review, and coincidentally, one of my favorites of the month. I'm surprised it didn't score higher. It was a blast to read and would be awesome to see on screen!

Great job!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 4:48 PM

Thanks everyone. I didn't have a chance to rewrite the script or rework the story, so forgive me for sending in something that wasn't complete.

And no, Carolyn I don't think you're an idiot. I was taught to capitalize sounds for the sounds effects people.

Thanks for the feedback and take care,

Bill