Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I'm of two minds about this script. On the one hand, it's *very* professionally written and you did a great job of making me feel Erica's fear. But on the other hand, I did not care for the ending. Did the plane crash? If it did, did Ruby *make* it crash? If it didn't crash, why didn't Erica show up for the job? I would think that, having endured the flight, she'd at least show up for the job, even if she didn't want to get on another plane to come back! Oh, and this is a small thing, but I would change Erica's name. Erica Young is awfully close to Erica Jong, who wrote "Fear of Flying."

Still, overall, I give this high marks that would be even higher if it weren't for the ending.

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

I didn't get it. Did Erica die at the end? Did Ruby know this was going to happen? The dialogue and exposition is good.

Andrew Jones (Level 2)

I was engrossed with the story, very good descriptions, good use of a dream scene, all very good... untill the last page.

I was a bit confused as to what you were implying happened... if Ruby wanted the job, she would have told her not to bother going, not convince her to take the most sensible option. The only reason Ruby would try and convince her to take the plane is if she knows its going to crash, which I really hope isnt the case, as realisticaly somebody wouldnt crash a plane for a writers job.

The writing in the script was very good, up untill the end I planned on giving a 'Very Good' rating, but what could have been a very good twist turned the story unrealistic.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Well-written. It's a shame that Erica was not able to overcome her fear of flying; on the flip side, she had the good fortune of never learning just how terrible a friend Ruby is.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

You did a good job portraying the phobia. Well written although I feel like I may have missed something with the red pills. I liked the idea of the twist at the end, but I didn't really get what Ruby's motivation was for talking her into getting on the plane in the 1st place if she was really after the job all along. Wouldn't it have been easier to just let the person that was afaraid to fly freak themself out of flying and thus cost themselves the job? Nicely done. I just got a bit confused at the ending.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You used quite a few parentheticals, which weren't necessary because you expressed it all in the dialogue or actions.

I like the Ruby dialogue very much, very engaging and natural. Erica less so.

Some of the scenes were superfluous and didn't further the plot - like the spilling of the drink could have been one line. I wasn't entirely convinced by the dream sequence either.

The ending was terrific! Didn't see that coming at all. Well done. This was great and with tightening up would be even better.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting premise and I like the twist at the end, but I'm not sure you set it up right. If Ruby wants the job, wouldn't she discourage her from getting on the plane rather than giving her pills that might get her there?

I think your writing is pretty strong, but a little long-winded. You could shorten a lot of your descriptions to make this more "snappy" and move a lot faster. For example:

"A brilliant white flash of lightning causes her eyes to
shut in reflex. Then she is falling, falling to the dark
deserted countryside."

Could be:

"Lightning flash. She closes her eyes. Falls."

Good luck with it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm a little confused by the ending.

Is the plane really crashing or are the pills making her hallucinate?

If the first, then the ending seems really dark (she died and no ones seems to care) and if it's the second, I'm not sure why she didn't show up (once the hallucination is over).

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

Poor Erica! I liked it but it was not clear what happenned to Erica and how could Ruby predict about the incident with the flight. I felt something it's missing.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Writing flowed easily, characters were interesting. I didn't quite get the dream sequence, but assume after reading the ending Erica was given some psychoactive drug? But wouldn't she still have made it to her destination? I'm a little confused with the ending and how Ruby pulled the fast one on her friend.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The twist took me by surprise giving the story a dark comedy edge. It felt like she started dreaming right after takeoff was the only thing that seemed a bit odd. And you could come up with a better title.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Great short but what happens to Erica?
Does the plane crash or does she take the pills and pass out?
Love the cunningness of Ruby. Wouldn't have her as a friend.

Format was great and your story telling superb.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

A saga of four red pills and a traitorous friend. Glad the title page interpreted Pteromerhanophobia. I didn’t suspect the ending, although you foreshadowed nicely with Ruby’s script.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Great job. Well written, and the best phobic character I've erad so far.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

You did a good job of writing this, kept me interested, but then lost me at the end.

First of all - why no time of day in the slug lines after the first scene?

The story and writing were all pretty good - it got a bit confusing with the closing of eyes and waking up, trying to figure out how much time had passed - a simple fade in/fade out might help the reader see the passage of time.

The ending really threw me, though. I got that Ruby took the job, but why didnt Erica make it? Did the plane go down? Was the whole thing in her head after she took the pills? If this was Ruby's plan all along, wouldnt it have been easier for her to convince Ruby not to do something she really didnt want to (i.e. flying out for the job) rather than concocting a drugging plan that was iffy at best?

I thought you did a great job on atmosphere, but definitely work on clarifying and strengthening the ending.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

In quite a few sluglines you neglect to put in the time of day. Also, the passengers at the gate and inside the plane should be in caps.

You do a good job in describing Erica's fear of flying. And it was a nice twist that Ruby was the other writer and set her up not to make the meeting. However, it felt a little incomplete when the plane is having problems. Did it crash or not? And finally I think it would be better to come up with a better title.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The dilemma. The protagonist is forced to choose between two wrongs. One of my favorites sources of conflict. This is an entertaining read and being a screenwriter helps the reader to identify with the protagonist’s struggle.

The protagonist’s phobia was clearly established (I’d say you don’t need that clarification in the title) and it had a relevant part to play in the story.

Good descriptions, you know how to write visually.

The ending left me a bit confused about Ruby’s plan (if there was one) to stop her friend to get to that meeting, since her final speech seemed to hint she knew her friend wouldn't make it.

Overall it was a good read, good job.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I like that you established from the very beginning what was at stake for Erica--the job and perhaps her career as a writer. Good twist at the end as well, with Ruby being the other writer that was lined-up to take the job (and that she knew Erica wouldn't actually show). I was a little confused by what happened with the plane. Did it really crash, or was this all part of Erica's dream? Does Ruby know that the plane crashed with Erica on it, or does she just think she chickened out? I'm all for dark comedy, so if it really did crash that's pretty dark (and funny)!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I can identify with Erica. I'm afraid of flying too which is really bad since my husband is a pilot. :-) I'm not into drugs of any kind and hardly ever even take a Tylenol, but when I fly, the Valiums come out.

I thought this one was well written and I did care about Erica. It wasn't necessarily unique, but told well enough that the result was really good.

My only question is, did the plane crash? How could Ruby have known this would happen?

Elevators on planes are on the tail. The ones closest to the fuselage on the wings are "flaps". :-)

Good job!

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Started out promising but the ending confused me. Why didn't Erica make it? Did her plane really crash? And why would Ruby be smiling at that? Didn't get "back to a full gee."

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Not crazy about the title because you have to explain the phobia. The script moved along fine until Ruby offered Erica her script. Even in jest, it telegraphs the ending. Also, why not have Erica blatantly holding it while she waits to board? I had a hard time picturing Erica's dream then the plane suddenly going down. I didn't know if the dream was continuing or turning to a nightmare or happening for real. Also, there's no resolution. Why didn't Erica show up? Did the plane really crash or did she just imagine trying to go? For a short like this, the open ending didn't work for me. The script read fine and had an easy style to it. You can clearly write well, I think the problem with this script is in its execution.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I thought that your descriptions were very good. I could feel Erica's stress in the airplane.

I couldn't get the ending. I can see that Erica was screwed over by her friend but I don't she how she missed the meeting. She made the plane ok. What happened to the flight?

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Did those pills cause hallucinations or was the plane really crashing? If the plane was really crashing then Ruby's pills were essentially useless but why wouldn't she mention the plane crash or know about it in the end?

Also wouldn't Ruby find it easier to convince Erica to take the train? I guess she wants to come across as her friend when she gives her the pills.

I think you handled the phobia really well and the airport-airplane dream sequence was well paced and well written. It's the bit after she comes out of her dream, and the part where she looks at her two last pills, that threw me off.

I guess I want to know what happened to Erica?

Try and avoid adverbs in your descriptions as they aren't really necessary and your dialogs convey the mood.

You did not have to explain the phobia in the title, as it was quite clear, but I guess you wanted to make sure that the reader realized that it was an official phobia.

Good job.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This is a very well written story, everything flowed. The descriptions were very imaginative and the action was steady. The only problem I had was, Erica is on the plane to her destination, then Ruby at the airport ready to take her job. I think if you told why Erica didn't make the appointment, then I think the ending would have been more complete. Otherwise, great story and great read. Nice twist in the end.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I liked it. Liked the twist at the end. Well, clearly written. My major problem is that it's unclear whether the plane was really experiencing heavy turbulence or if it was a hallucentation brought on by the drugs. That's inferred by the end, but going back and reading the plane trip, there's no indication that it's a hallucentation. Maybe have Erica experience the turbulence, seeing lightening and dark clouds and freaking out, while the rest of the passengers aren't scared at all and look at Erica like she has two heads.

But overall, well done.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

The ending is too prosaic, IMHO. The plane just happens to have terrible turbulance, or that's a dream because of the evil tablets? I don't like the coincidence of the first option, but I think that's the one you meant. I would trim some dialog.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I had a feeling Ruby should not be trusted. If Erica was on the plane headed for LA, then why did she not make it to her destination? Or was this left subjective on purpose? Did Erica take the remaining pills and that's why she didn't make her destination? The pills seemed to work the first time, so why not the second? A bit more clarity would help. Still a fun concept.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable read. I liked Erica. She was a wonderful character that I cared for -- but I found the ending a little easy. Why wouldn't Selzman hire Ruby directly? There is an obvious relationship there, with the "Selzie" reference. I didn't really get that -- Ruby is obviously no friend to Erica, so why not cut her legs off immediately? It packs more of a punch for me if Ruby does not know Selzman from a hole in the wall.

The images painted were very good, as was the scene/dream of the plan and it's difficulty. The phobia was palatable and the script had a professional look and feel. Good luck.

William Coleman (Level 5)

First, I would like to know what sort of job Ericka's after. the stakes need to be high to make this work. I'm a little lost as to where the dream ends. The final twist is good, but it snaps into place before rather quickly. Is something left out, or did you make a too abrupt transition. The dialog is real and honest. There are also nice visuals, especially in the dream sequence.

Comments Made After the Contest

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2007 6:26 AM

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I really liked this script and I feel a bit disappointed that it didn’t do better.

I named Erica after Erica Jong. That's why the name is similar - it's supposed to be similar.

I wasn’t extremely fond of the title but I spent days trying to come up with one for this and that was the best I could think of.

It surprises me that people complained about parentheticals. I only used three and to me they seemed quite necessary.

If you didn’t get that the pills were seconal because of the red capsule reference then I suppose I can see why you thought Erica was having hallucinations. Besides blatantly having Ruby tell Erica that the pills are seconal, I don’t see any way around some people not understanding what Erica is experiencing. I think even if I do have her tell Erica they are seconal some people will still have problems.

Ruby didn’t plan a plane crash. Ruby originally wanted to convince Erica that she should take the train so that Erica would arrive late and lose the job. Erica wasn’t going for that plan. So Ruby came up with another plan on the spot, give Erica some Seconal. She expected that Erica would take too many, so that even if she did make her appointment she would be so out of it that Selzman would run to his second choice –Ruby.

The plane does not crash. It drops 300 feet. I will have to make this clearer in the revision. I have had this happen to me while I have been on a plane and I pretty much described that experience. Actually the drop that happened to me was 1000 feet but I didn’t use that amount because I figured everyone would think it too fantastic to be real.

What happened to Erica? Well, I wanted to leave that up to you. Originally I had her take the last capsules, but then I thought I should leave that up to you as well. The fact that she didn’t show up was the important piece of information, not why. Ruby’s plan had succeeded – the end.

I think that addresses everyone’s comment. Thanks for the read guys. Be sure to check out the revision when I post it.

Cheers,

Michael

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2007 8:38 PM

Hi Michael,

You had me truly involved with your story.
A bit naive on certain drugs, I had no idea what seconal was; I had assumed they were hallucinogenics.

I really enjoyed your story, one of the ones I rated high.

I would prefer to see a more defined ending.
I know your aim was to have Ruby get what she wanted but some sort of reveal as to what happens to Erica would have sealed it off.

Thanks for the read, Elisabeth

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 4:25 PM

I understand your frustration. I have a tendency to underwrite my scripts (not that you do) and it leaves people with too many questions. Sometimes, what's clear in our own head isn't as clear on the page.

I appreciated your detailed explanation and the story is much clearer and stronger for me now.

Andrew Jones (Level 2) ~ 9/7/2007 3:44 AM

After rereading with that knowledge it makes a lot more sense. Its a very impressive story, and I think it would appear well on screen!