Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Really liked this one a lot. It feels like a real legend/urban legend. Well written, the suspense is really good as well as the pacing and you have some really cinematic images that would look great onscreen. I also like the boy scouts as a way to tell the legend without sounding too much like exposition.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I enjoyed this for the most part. But why would a witch use the trees. Does she have power over them? Easy read too. Not sure if the bold-ing of the years will turn off some, but I think it worked well in this case.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I don't think it's necessary to bold & underline the years in the sluglines, but aside from that I didn't really find any problems here. This is a very well written, creepy tale that could easily be filmed immediately without any changes to the script. My main complaint would be that I wish it was a little longer because I would have liked to have spent more time with the lovable stoners from the intro. Overall, very nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

How do we know it's 1985? Or 2009?

Trespass not tresspass.

How can you set up a tent on a road?

I thought this was pretty good but - I don't know - I wanted more connection between 1985 and 2009. More links. Why those specific dates anyway?

I think if you worked on the second part and made it the whole thing, it would work better.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I liked this script. It was entertaining and scary, but in a fun way. It kind of reminded me of Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series.

It was well structured and the characters came across clearly. I especially like the intercutting between Josh and Sierra and the Boy Scout telling the Witch's tale. Very effective.

There were some horror movie cliches but I didn't mind that so much because there was some style behind them. The opening was a grabber and the ending had a good little twist to it.

Overall, a very nice job.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

There's no need to bold or underline anything. Ok, this would really be longer than 5 minutes filmed, even if you trimmed some action. But that's ok I forgive you. You actually built a legend and history in a 5 page short that's something. Some people may say the story isn't resolved, there's not third act, but I think a good evil ending is satisfying. Sometimes the monsters win. Great Job, You get a VG from me.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great craft. I love the tone and atmosphere you create.

I also like the intercutting between the story and the events.

Excellent visuals, I just wish I felt like the victims had done more to deserve their fate.

David Birch (Level 5)

classic horror...done well...written really well, although you don't need to have the year in bold...smacks of amateurism...just slug it EXT. MICCOSUKEE RESIVOIR - NIGHT (1985)...then you can either slug it as MICCOSUKEE RESIVOIR - NIGHT (15 YEARS LATER), or give the date, or just PRESENT...i prefer to say 15 YEARS LATER because it leads the reader into the right place without making him/her have to flip back through the pages (a cardinal sin) anyway nice creepy tale...will improve with expansion...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is one of the better ones I've read, very entertaining.

I don't see what the beginning in 1985 had to do with the story, (you need 1985 as a superimpose, and miccosukka reservoir too - unacceptable slugline) then you switch to the present and the witch gets folks too. Perhaps a flashback to see this woman drown would be cool. Could use a better set-up to cement the story of this witch, who should be the main character. You don't really have one tho I did enjoy the two story lines.

Very good, but should be excellent with a different set-up.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

I realize that you have to keep it to five pages or less for the contest, but I'd love to see some more information included in the script. Did they mention why the forest was to be flooded and why the witch wanted to save it? Some back story on the witch might be nice. I also wasn't sure if there was a reason Sierra and Josh were camping with the boy scout group as they seemed so much older. Counselors? Just two people who happened to be camping in the same general area?
Overall, I think this could be a really fun little movie for someone to produce and for others to watch. :)

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Monster trees! All the slug-lines with no DAY or NIGHT or SAME distracted me but, overall, a very good story. Loved it!

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

I thought the story was pretty good. The deadly poem was excellent. I fell in love with the originality, very cool. I noticed some issues with grammar, coma's are needed in some spots. The opening scene was awesome. Overall, not bad. Beside the small grammar problems I thought it was one of the cooler one's i've read so far. Good job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is pretty good. A solid story here.

Good beginning to setup the mood right away. And good ending that ties back with the beginning. The middle is kinda muddling as nothing happens to the boy scouts. Their purpose is just to provide exposition. I think it would be better if you focus your middle part on Josh and Sierra. One of them can tell the story. No need for Luke, Jack, and pal.

More action involving Josh and Sierra running away from the witch would be good. That adds more suspense and tension.

Overall, it's a solid effort. I enjoyed it. Good job!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

The setting reminded me of a movie I had seen a while ago, however I am trying to not base my votes on that unless the movie is copied word for word, which yours was not. I like that you had an opening "Death Scene." I assumed that would be pretty hard to do with a five page script, but you managed to put it in to set up your story. Your descriptions were also very well done. The only comment that I can make is that there might have been one too many characters to keep track of. With such a small story, the tension might be tighter if you regulated it to a few choice people. However, it was a good read and it is something I could totally picture on the screen.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I like the premise. I consider the witch a kind of a dark Lorax with a real attitude. However, I am not sure the story progresses much from the first killing to that last. Things don't get much scarier. Eveyone is kind of an innocent victim, so there is no sense of vindication at the killings. The lack of connection between the two stories hurts the overall effort. The tone, however is very good, and I liked the ironically named Sierra.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

The story wasn't too bad. But was confusing a little, going back and forth to each tent with different people in them. It was hard to tell which tent was which sometimes. I thought it was written pretty good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I certainly like the ending. I was able to get a nice picture of it in my mind as it was described so well.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

What was the point of the first scene in '85? I thought it was telling back story, but nothing that would tell us about the witch was revealed. I felt as though you should have.

I mean the action was decent, so I gave it a fair. Y

I think you should of had less characters. It could have worked with four: The main one, a girlfriend, the one who dies first, and the person who tells everyone else about the "myth" Simple.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was very well told, I liked the changing perspective between the scouts, the campers and the flashback to 1985. But there really wasn't much conflict here -- they say the witch is going to get them, and she does. No surprises.

Very good storytelling by "showing" the action, but the backstory was more told than shown and it distracted from the main story. Try to hide exposition, or simply blurt it out early and move on, don't keep going back to the nursery rhyme and filling in details about the witch... show it, imply it or leave it out.

For dates, you don't need parentheses or underline. And using PRESENT DAY is better than 2009 because you never know what year this is being read in.

The writing was very strong and visual.

John Brooke (Level 5)

The root of the evil tree hugging witch is rooting for you.

Reading the little poetic verses about the witch was a magical touch and provided and air of malice to your screenplay. Good idea.

Your story line is cohesive and your movie starts up historically with a chaotic crash throwing the reader immediately into the action. A good set up for what follows.

The visual contrast of the Boy Scouts camping and innocently underscoring the two sneaky lovers provided a nice back and forth contrapuntal comments to their actions.
Your ending is so melodramatic and is so far out it verges, no teeters on the edge of a deus ex machina solution.

Pretty good stuff, I’ll check back later and see if I can be helpful.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Save the best for last, eh?

This was the last script I reviewed and I must say that it was certainly amongst the best I read this month. As a florida resident, a definite fav. I've read a little about the whole scandal with the Miccossuke indians and the Dept. of water and sewage. The script takes it subtly into account. With the myth you created to go with it, all of the elements came together to make a perfect backdrop for your script. You manage to set up the story very well with the Camaro and it's stoner occupants. Their demise foretold what was to come, but it didn't ruin it. The soul-trapping-trunks glowing underwater was a really excellent touch of supernaturality and will create a great afterimage-effect that's sure to last a few nights.

Great dialogue, pacing and descriptions made this an all around excellent entry. I really enjoyed this and I believe it would make a great horror short if ever filmed. Excellent work, Cheers!!!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I really liked this script! Your description flows really well and I was captivated from the very beginning. However, I felt that it started a bit too good. I felt the second half was a little less surprising than the first half. From the moment that Josh leaves the tent, you know that he's about to get killed. I would have liked to have been kept guessing what would happen next. Maybe while Josh and Sierra were gone, the campers could have been attacked? Overall though, I really dug the script. It's my favorite so far this month.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Doesn't really do much in terms of creativity. I don't really care about the backstory or the voiceover at the end. Just told me what I already knew. It was good though it didn't give me any twist that I wasn't expecting. I will say this don't give your story a title that tells us what your story is about only hint at what the story is about. It helps to increase the intrigue. Like if you called this Wicken of the Woods or Wood Witch/Wicken then I wouldn't be expecting the twist but then again most witches in the forest are often protecting nature and that's what what witchcraft is based off of nature. Doesn't really add anything new to the witch mythology.

Also when you do a background on a ghost or supernatural being you need it's like saying to the reader yes yes eventually she's going to show up but truth is we've seen that done so many times before it won't surprise so my advice stay away from flashbacks and v.o.'s. Good job though. Also why is there a couple, a boyscout troop, random kids that already heard about the story. Why is there no fade in or fade out.

My advice is this unless they are essential to the plot don't add them there to just fill space. For 5 pages you have to limit your character because I couldn't tell who the protagonist was. Is it luke is it mike and the other guy, who's story is this about. I know you will try and argue with me and say that the with is the protagonist but she doesn't really show up until the very end. Remember you have 5 pages so make sure that each character is not just a stereotypical kids/ teens on a camping trip that are nothing but forest fertilizer. I felt like either or character needs to go either the first or the couple. Just felt like you were trying to tackle too much.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'd like it more if it started with Josh and Sierra. And then if you could somehow connect those two to the boy scout camp...

How do we know that it's 1985 at first and then it's 2009?

Good story. I liked the poem and the way you used it. And all the voice overs.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written combo horror and ghost story. Visual, and easy to read.
Character descriptions are excellent. Short and to the point. Especially like, "Doug, typical teen burnout" and "...his clone, Mark."
Some terrific description too. Particularly like, "Jack picks up a stick and playfully pokes Luke in the butt." Clear and concise. Not a wasted word.
Might be one too many scenarios, though. Probably would still work using only Doug and Mark and the rambunctious Boy Scouts. Maybe substitute Josh and Sierra's tryst with Doug and Mark's story in 2009 (update the car). Like the manner in which Luke relates "the witch of the trees" saga at the end.
Neat reservoir name, Miccosukee. Assumed it was real place, and it is -- in Florida.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The date is bolded and underlined. It came across a little strong, almost like a slap, as though you just knew I would forget to read it. I'd encourage you just to leave it regular font and trust the reader.

"A lifeless, drowned forest." A fascinating visual.

"handsome hippie" This is 2009. Are there hippies who are 19-year-old? Maybe I don't know what you mean by this description. If this was 1974, and you wrote "handsome hippie", I'd have known exactly what you meant.

"The forest floor now replaced with black pavement from an abandoned road." Another confusing line. Why is the floor "now" replaced by a road? If the road was abandoned, it must be really old, of course, but the word "now" makes it sound as if the replacement happened suddenly, recently. I think the visual in your head got just a bit scrambled on the page.

I'm struck by the thought that this is a large cast for a short, and throw in a car crash, of course.

Somehow I intensely doubt the backstory. They flooded the forest, knowing they were about to kill a woman who was trying to attract publicity? Not likely. They would have arrested the woman, then flooded the forest.

The whole opening prologue is completely unnecessary. It adds nothing to the stories of Sierra, Josh, or Luke. It foreshadows the poem and the way people die, but not in a mysterious way. Really, the rest of the story feels like deja vu, since we've already heard the poem, we've already seen people die. Sierra and Josh don't die in a new way, they die in the same way as Doug and Mark. That makes their deaths a little ho-hum, actually. To keep the audience entertained, you'll need to vary it up a little.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like your title. I'm anticipating a good scare.

If you include a date and it's important to the story, do a SUPERIMPOSE or use regular font in the scene heading. Don't use bold face type in a script.

You don't need to number the first page of your script.

Great opening scene.

Great everything!

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I love the setting at the beginning. Driving at night, especially through woods, all manner of spooky things can happen.

I was totally getting an Evil Dead/Evil Dead II vibe from the roots grabbing Josh and Sierra's legs, reinforced when Sierra tries to grab onto the road with her fingernails. You obviously know your horror movie tropes (sinister children's rhymes, the teenagers that have sex die, etc,)

The final image was great. I really liked how you brought Mark from the first scene back. Often the prologue scenes are completely superfluous in horror movies, but this really worked.

Very good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This is a good story with some classic 'in the woods' horror elements. The backstory of the witch and the subsequent rhyme are creative touches.

However, I think the Mark and Doug scenes can be cut out. I understand the need to help set up the legend and I think in a feature, an intro like this can work but for a short script I don't think it is necessary.

I think the scouts at the campfire alone would give you a perfect opportunity to introduce the 'ghost story'. Luke does tell the story anyway so it almost seems repetitive as it stands now. This would also free up more pages and allow you to spend more time building up the characters of Josh, Sierra and the scouts. Maybe give them all a little more depth.

I really liked some of your imagery. The slithering roots, the moonlight and the underwater glowing trunk paints a very creepy picture.

A few other observations: The part when we first meet Josh, peering at the scouts is almost too descriptive and confusing.

Maybe just something like:
"Distant screams echo. A hand pulls back some branches to reveal a troop of rambunctious boyscouts running around a nearby campfire.

The hands belong to, Josh Nelson, handsome hippie. Frustrated, he lets go and the branches snap back into place as he turns back to his girlfriend."

Also, you might want to specify the two different 'tents' in your slugline. It was a little hard to discern which one we at.

All in all, a good horror story. A few minor things that slightly held it back but still a great effort and effective tale.

Niko Sucic (Level 2)

Very nice story, but i will first start with the negative sides. It is the same old story said 1000 times. It is just not interesting anymore. It was obvious that the people that died will die, there was no trill. But the writing was great, very nice and detailed. And the song, it was great. So, my advice: you have talent to write, but you need to find something more original to write about.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Nice opening scenery, very creepy. Good revelation of the witch's story. Like the rhyme. Good juxtaposition of the ghost story & horrific events at the climax. Format seems good.

Needs an edit pass for word choice, verb tenses, punctuation. Action & descriptive text can be tightened. I'd move the tent just off the road, even if it's closed - asphalt can't be much fun to sleep on.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Excellent formatting, but don't let your characters foreshadow too much, the dialogue shows forced exposition. Then later on, you have your character proclaim the origin of your monster is 'stupid'. That's so much self-criticism. If 8 year olds don't find the story scary, we are supposed to? I don't think that many characters in such a short script works either. There's little to no focus, and since 4 characters basically die the same way, it's not interesting enough for a killfest. Either make the kills more interesting or lower the killcount and work on the tension. Concentrate on one story, multiple lines work in a bigger movie, not really in a short.

It was very well written though, just didn't have much athmosphere due to the rush to keep it under the 6 pages.

BEST MOMENT: The dialogue and your introductions. They work and feel right.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love the urban legend themed stories and this is one of the better ones.

There's no true protagonist, and while the teen victims aren't deplorable, they're not the most likable characters, but I suppose that happens with horror stories.

My only real concerns are with the screenwriting and formatting itself. The screenwriting is chunky in spots. There's no narrative paragraphs past four lines, but there's approximately fifteen three-line paragraphs, and I think that's a few too many.

The screenwriting itself is clear, concise and easy to visualize and follow.

I think you might have to either "SUPER:" the "1985" or provide more visuals that this is the year, other than the Camaro and heavy-metal music.

I would just include the "NIGHT" in every scene-heading. Keep it simple and consistent.

I might keep the location a little more vague. Miccosukee is a tongue-twister and I'm not sure if it's a fictitious location or factual, and I think most people might concur.

The scene transitions from tent to tent were unclear at first, especially when the Cub Scouts enter the tent, and then the next scene, the interior of a tent is described with liquor, but we then realize it's Josh and Sierra's.

No typos detected.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This story is good. I think therte's plenty room for improvement though. You have a lot of characters that distract from the real story. I think you can tighten it up a bit and maybe even lose a couple of the boy scouts. It even becomes confusing at points with that. Overall, this is really unique, so good job on that.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

OOOH this one definitely was horror.. good job. I like the many characters you've managed to fit into only five pages. I'm not sure if the car crash at the beginning is necessary though, maybe just have the lovers and the boy scouts. I think I'd rather see the boy scouts at the beginning, talking about the witch and getting ready for camp.

I thought it was well written, interesting characters, and very spooky.. Good job. One of my favorites this month, so far.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty good, spooky campfire story, and very well written. Of course, it doesn't make any sense, but what the hell -- it's a ghost story.

I'm not sure why you chose to have the parallel stories running for the last three and a half pages, though. Including the Boy Scouts gave it more of a campfire atmosphere, and that was kinda cool, but without the Boy Scouts you might have amplified the real story a little more -- the real story being (of course) the witch of the trees. As it is, we (the readers) are in sort of a quandry -- who's good here and who's bad? Should we be horrified that Josh and Sierra are now spooky glowing trees at the bottom of the reservoir? Or should we be glad that the environmentally-friendly witch is slowly exacting her revenge? Hard to tell, because we never really get to meet her victims, so do we like them? I don't know.

Anyway, maybe I'm getting too deep into this. It's a ghost story, and it's a pretty spooky one. And a fun read.

My score: VERY GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not bad at all, though it did play to the stereotypical "couple screwing out in the woods, guy goes to take a piss and is grabbed, then the girl, alone in the tent, is killed" scenario that seems to happen in any and every movie that has a camping or woods scene.

Other than that, it was done very well, I just wish you'd have gone a little crazy with it since you had such an original idea with the tree, almost like a homage to the rapist tree in Evil Dead.

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

You have written a great script. The story is first-rate. Your command over English is simply superb. The formatting, however, could have been a little better.

One of the biggest formatting flaws that I noticed is thee absence of the transitional phrases such as ‘FADE IN’ and ‘FADE OUT’ (or ‘FADE TO BLACK’), as well as THE END. Incorporating them is the standard practice – almost a rule - in the industry. I think you just forgot to add them.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

This is a well written script, it flowed excellently. I also like the concept. I'm glad you managed to shake the Blair Witch stigma attached to a "witch in the woods" film.

The line: " I gotta piss. I'll be right back" was up there with the five most insensitive things to say to a girl after sex. I actually laughed out loud.

I wasn't entirely sure if it was a good thing to see the witch in the end. Perhaps it would be more powerful if we didn't, but either way you revealed her at the right time, so no harm done.

All in all, a good job. Well done.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was great, the classic campfire ghost story well told. Atmospheric and believable. A little predictable, but lots of fun.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Cool idea behind this story, kind of a hippy revenge/nightmare. I really like the ending with all the people locked in tree trunks. The abandoned road is interesting, but a little far-fetched. Regardless, your story is well structured and haunting. Great job!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There's a lot about this to like.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you go with it), I think you don't really have a story here.

Yet.

You have two scenes from a larger story. But so far there is no real plot, no theme, no beginning or middle... and you sort of have an End.... sort of.

So if you are planning on writing this either in a longer form (15 - 30 pages) or even as a feature, I think you have something. Sort of Blair Witch crossed with Friday the 13th. I like that idea and think you should pursue it.

However, even though I like the writing and the characters, for the most part, are clearly drawn and the dialogue is fine, I can only rate this as Good.

But I think you have something here... keep at it. Good luck.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Besides the typical "guy peeing in the woods after he has sex/Friday the 13th" scenario, the rest of this is hard not to like. Creative spooky poem, and an interesting legend, spooky setting; all make for an entertaining piece. Very Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2009 3:10 AM

Ok Marnie I'll tell exactly why I said what I said. I expected the witch to use the forest and I expect her to take the kids and the teens by using it and that's why I said what I said. I mean why are the campers and other folk there? To die but there are too many. Why does she need so much. Also the title was also a culprit of my intrigue.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 10:51 AM

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I WANTED TO TELL THE STORY KEVIN!!!! You know what? This was a big let down for me too. You aren't the only one feeling disappointed. I really thought I had something great and it sucks to find out it wasn't even mediocre. So piss off you big baby.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 11:03 AM

Marnie, you were 1 or 2 pecentage points away from being the only Honorable Mention--you shouldn't be disappointed at all. I loved the ending, loved the backstory, and if I remember right, you said you got a very late start on this. It was far better than mediocre.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2009 11:15 AM

Marnie, This was far better than "mediocre" (I scored it "Very Good") and the majority of people really seemed to enjoy it as well.

I know it stinks to not do quite as well as you hoped, but you really should be proud of this one.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 11:32 AM

I gave it a Very Good, too. Very spooky campfire-type story.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:49 PM

Thanks for the positive words. This one will take a few days to get over. I'm totally bummed. And Wes, I actually worked hard on this one, unlike my usual wait till the last minute entries. LOL.

Anyway, I had thought about expanding this cus I thought it might be something good enough for the screen, not sure what I'm going to do now but I created the DVD cover from a photo I took at the Manasquan (NJ) Reservoir. . .hee hee hee. . . Check it out.marnzart.com/SCREENPLAYS%20-%20MOVIEPOET/Movie%20Poet%20SP%20links%20page.htm

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:30 PM

I only read about 20 scripts this month, and none of the winners. I was surprised this one didn't place, it's the only script that got an Excellent from me this month.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:43 PM

You got a VG vote from me. Very entertaining.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:46 PM

Marnie, this got a Very Good from me. I thought the final scene was visually amazing and haunting.

I understand your frustration. Try not to let the comments of others bother you. It's time for some folks on here to let the quality of their scripts do their talking instead of their reviews and forum postings.

Keep your head up and stay tough, girl, you're from Jersey!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 8:55 PM

That's great cover art, Marnie! Gorgeous.

And I agree with Paul 100%... "It's time for some folks, etc."

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2009 1:15 AM

Great script Marnie, got a VGeezy from meezy:) Also, I agree with Paul.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 2/23/2011 2:39 AM

Hi Marnie, the rewritten pdf (2/17/2011) doesn't open on my Mac... Hope I can get a chance to read it.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 2/23/2011 10:58 AM

Hey there Ayal. I just sent it to you in an e-mail. :)

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 2/23/2011 1:21 PM

Again well-written and I can see the movie unfold in my head as I read it. A great screenplay!

You mention years in the slugline. I guess the director will then figure out how to communicate that to the viewer. One alternative I've seen other scripts do is to super-impose it over the image, as:

SUPER: 1985

I very much like the transition from Mark screaming in 1985 to screams echoing in the next scene in 2009.

On page two: The part that starts with "On the other side, ", I think you can leave that out as it repeats how the previous action ended.

Tiny nitpicks:
- on page three, there is a period followed by a single space, no double space: "KUMBAYA begins. Kisses turn ..."
- on page two, an ellipse (...) as a single character, whereas in most of the rest of the screenplay you use ". . .", periods wide apart.

I'm on page five as I write this and love how the tension builds up as there are two groups in the forest. It hooks me, I want to know how it ends.

I didn't see that ending come, the bodies absorbed into the dead trees. Great setup in the beginning with the dead trees, and here the payoff. Excellent! Very rewarding surprise in the end, these souls locked up in the trees.

Great how you let Luke tell the story as a campfire horror story, so the exposition is hidden a bit as we see real live action, Josh and Sierra getting killed. It reminds me of the "Pope in the pool" trick mentioned in the book "Save the Cat!". He gives the example where exposition is delivered through dialogue as we watch a pope swimming in a pool. The audience is thinking "Where are the pope's clothes? His robe?" and meanwhile they get the exposition. You do the same here, deliver exposition while we see dramatic action.

In that light, I think you can leave that exposition out from the dialog on page one. The car just crashes, rolls, Mark is pulled out by a branch. We don't have to know *why* just yet I think, just that it happened, so it foreshadows the events in 2009 (but since there are two groups we don't actually know what will happen).

Interesting, in this story, like in "Private Property", you also surprise the reader by a late and sudden change of protagonist. It is an excellent trick! Surprises usually work well in shorts and I like the effect.

The wicked witch turns out to be the protagonist, the decision maker pushing the story forward. Her inciting event, her initial problem was her being tied to a tree and her drowning. The deeper problem was with people who keep ruining the forest, so she ends up solving the deeper story-worthy problem as a ghost taking the souls of the perpetrators.

In that light, one thing I think would make the story stronger; have Mark, Josh and Sierra do something to the forest, have them vandalize it somehow. Josh carves their name in a tree with a heart. Mark does something else. Flicks the bud of a joint into the forest maybe. Giving the wicked witch a reason to kill them.

And the wicked witch responds by stealing their soul forever. Muhahahaha!

Excellent story once again!!!