Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I like this one a lot. I think it could be a really good feature length script of you wanted to develop that. There are so many little details you managed to sneak in the five pages! I'm assuming Coleen killed the bar owner's son. The shaving and hair cutting in the beggining... Subtle, I like that.

Ashley White (Level 3)

This was a good idea for a story. Colleen was the villain, but towards the end, you wonder if her Dad is just as much the villain. He kind of steals her thunder a little. I enjoyed your character names. They were obvious and to the point. I am not really sure if doing the names like that added to the story, but I did like it.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Having a character named Sick Fuck is humorous but after you read it a couples times instead of a regular name, it loses its effectiveness. Nice little twist on the werewolf thing. Some drama is lost when somebody else drags Sick Fuck out of the car and not Coleen, as another character steals the show from the main character.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pretty well written and paced. The story was pretty solid too. There were too many characters that weren't needed. What did Ms. Cougar or the Frat Boys add to the story? They were just there taking up space. Once we find out she's a wolf and the Big Hand belongs to her dad, there are no surprises left so I guess I felt like the ending was a little too straightforward. I did like the names you gave your characters though. Overall, this was a pretty solid script that could just use a little tightening up. This can be done easily by writing out the aforementioned unnecessary characters.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Despite some annoying writing habits (see below!) I thought this was a good story! However, why did you start with Ms Cougar and give her such impotance when she wasn't part of the story at all?

Good visual opening scene.

'Almost omniscient' 'Stares into his soul' - I understand what you mean but maybe better for novels...

(to Coleen) - I don't think you need to keep on telling us who is speaking to whom.

That's she's - check for errors before submission.

Aaaargh re single tears falling on cheeks! SOOOOOO trite.

BLOWS HER BRAINS OUT. She instantly goes limp - I expect she probably does!

(I'm not an idiot. I don't need thing capitalised for effect)

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I really like the build in this script. There was a very nice understated and ominous feel to the action as it built to the climax. And I liked when the Dad character appeared; a nice twist. I would've liked to see a moment with Dad earlier in the script though.

I like the dialogue early on. I thought it was effective. I wasn't crazy about the dialogue during the climax. I thought the action was very good in that scene and I think the dialogue could've been more streamlined and maybe even more poetic.

The Colleen character came through very clearly. I could really feel her inner struggle. There was definitely strong emotion in this script.

Overall, a good piece of work.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Jumping Jesus on a pogo-stick another Goth girl. Damn what is up with you all British folk and immediately pegging goth chicks as evil.

This was a nice twisted tale. I really hate it to see in movies damage done to mere mortals and they bounce right back. I'm not sure there's very many people who can be pushed into a tree hard enough to snap the tree and keep their spine intact. But that's something most audiences will overlook.
Now I'm wondering how Dad tried to make it work. I mean she's a wolf, ooh gross. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

So many great visuals here.

This was a fun read with a great pace and energy.

My only complaint, I wish the characters had names.

David Birch (Level 5)

very good...would have been more effective with more pages at your disposal...straightforward...deliberate...easy to read...one typo Sick Fuck needs a cap in one instance (pg. 3)...would have liked more backstory, but, what was told was well done...thanks...good read...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That was pretty cool, seems to me a little rushed with the five page limitation. I missed getting to know the characters. The dialogue from dad explained everything nicely, and there was tension in the scene, so that's okay with me.

You may get some flack for not coming up with traditional names for your characters although the main character has one.. Coleen. So, I think the problem for me is perspective. I would like to see the story through the eyes of just one person, it would resound more.

I really didn't care for the bar scene. It was a set up for her getting a victim, but was too long.

On the whole, I enjoyed the story, good job.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

I thought that this was a nice take on the werewolf myth. I enjoyed the Coleen character and the story of her family. I also enjoyed the Dad character's appearance.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

"Female hands grab a pair of scissors, it's already bloody." Since you are writing what we will see, I would encourage the writer to consider instead: ""Female hands grab a pair of bloody scissors."

"Sure, it'll be ready for you when you come back in 5 years." When you use a number in dialogue, unless that number is a date, always write the number out. So: " ... when you come back in five years."

Proofread for punctuation. "Give the girl a drink" The period is missing.

Why don't you give "Sick Fuck" a name?

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

Check your grammar and spelling before posting. There's lots of places that you missed commas and even periods. When describing characters, only describe what we will see on film. How can you film "fresh out of college"? Don't put any dialogue in italics. It's improper. Good dialogue cancels out the need for Beats. Why give these characters such foul names(Assholes, sick fucks)?. Too much over-the-top, out-of-place cursing. Overall, the story wasn't bad, it was just wasnt presented correctly.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Okay, not bad. You delivered not just horror but also some family drama, which I liked. The story is very straightforward, I was just a bit disappointed there is no "twist" at the end. How about Dad also turns into a werewolf? Just a thought.

I don't like how you wasted like two pages in the beginning for the bar scene. That scene didn't do anything for me, it didn't move the story forward. It just introduced us to some characters and that's it. The conversation between the bartender and the bar owner did not ring true to me at all. If Coleen killed the bar owner's son, you think Coleen is still allowed to be at her bar? And the bar owner spilled her guts so readily to her employee? In such an open and messed up environment? I don't think so.

I wish you can find some other ways or settings to setup the story. Because what you have afterward is actually pretty good.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I thought this was interesting, and I liked that characters were known by their "traits." Some of the human touches you added were also well done, such as the father being the one to take her down, and having Coleen drink in order to have her killing feel like a bad dream. I also liked how it morphed from what could have been a thriller into something supernatural. That's sets it apart from a lot of the stories I have read.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I like the title. Some of this script seemed well thought out. Colleen killed her old boyfriend, the drinking to hide the guilt etc. Some seemed not so well thought out. Dad having run off and just happening to show up is odd? Couldn't Dad have been acquitted? Not sure it's realistic that the bartender would serve her anyway. First the law, second, he seems to have some sympathy, and he can't think that's good for her.... Maybe if he gave it to her out of fear..... Oh, the action line "They call him Dad", is a bit silly. Whose they? And the audience can't see this .... I dunno. There was a lot of violence, but the conflict could have been amped up if the Dad were ambivalent about killing her. He's pretty gung ho. The main character could use some more development from her own words and actions.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Extra 's on pg 3.

In the final line, baby girl is two words.

I would have liked all the secondary characters to have actual names. It would have helped me to view them as people and not merely objects.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I love your style of writing. The way you introduce the characters are comical and fits the writing style. I just don't understand why the bartender didn't ask her for her i.d. before denying her a drink. Most 17 year olds looks just like 21 years olds if you ask me. Okay and I understand it's kind of a hick town so the bar owner allowed her to drink.
The time you mentioned the full moon I thought you gave the story away, but you have a gift for surprise. I liked the fact that when it seemed like the girl was going to attack him, "DAD" (great way to introduce him) shockingly interfered.

The fathers dialogue while he was fighting could of been better, though. I know we had to learn back story and he probably went through all of this with his wife, and that's how he's so skilled and can casually speak, but all while a werewolf held him by the neck against a tree? Even though you could of explained that better, it was a great short script. I'll give it a very good. :)

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I didn't like the characterizations as character names, i.e. SICK FUCK or ASSHOLE #1. Stick to names, or at least physical characteristics. If a character is a sick fuck, let us know through his actions.

The description was good, really set the tone well, although there could have been less of it and it would have helped the pacing. The story kept my interest until the last page, Dad explains too much and it got too melodramatic and over the top.

John Brooke (Level 5)

There are a few spelling errors and a couple of typos, which tend to interrupt the flow of your creative rendering of this werewolf shape shifting violent tale.

Perfect title by the way.

The opening scene showed me a woman in a series of disembodied mechanical snapshots certainly got my attention immediately. What follows is an overly long chunk of action line descriptions of the bar scene.

What is almost omniscient - almost all knowing – the bartender either is all knowing or he isn’t.
Gothicesque you’ve coined an apt new word for the appearance beautiful woman with the resemblance from the Dark Ages of the Goths.

That the bit of business between the Bartender and the Bar Owner certainly set the rest of the story up for the reader.

The ominous atmosphere of impending doom between the sex driven Sick Fuck and creepy Coleen was cleverly written, setting up the violent filled actions that soon erupted.

What follows is a feeding frenzy of nonstop violent visuals. They pile up on after the other so that the overload of horror tends to become boring.

The dichotomy of the Dad loving his daughter and blowing her brains out is a shocker. I’m not sure that the dialog line “Sweet dreams, babygirl” has the right feeling for what has happened.

The last line with the symbolism of the full moon is sadly poignant.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Nice title. Coleen's intro in the beginning of the script was well done. The next scene has us at the bar and the scene is established very nicely. All the happenings at the bar set up the coming scene with Sick Fuck (should've given him a name as he really didn't do anything in the script to earn such a prestigious title) and the ball got rolling after that. However, the Dad was such a boring character, cliched to the bone.
Even with his final moonlit stroll. His lack of love and emotion just made him seem all the more unreal and it left me wondering why he wasn't badly hurt after the tree broke?
The ending is not clear on whether Coleen turned back to a human and lives, or if she died completely.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I liked how you kept the monster away from us for most of the script. I was thinking it was going to be Ms. Cougar, so I was surprised when it turned out to be Coleen. I did feel that the ending seemed a bit rushed though. I felt that there was a lot of build up with everything flowing and then it ends on a low note. I think a stronger, more impacting ending, can really help make this a really solid horror film.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Nice opening might be a grammatical or technical mix up in the beginning but who cares. Nice visuals. The name miss cougar is very tacky. Capitalize your characters even the random men in the club that are unsavory. Bartender caps. I can forgive one mix up but I can't forgive many now. God I cringed everytime I heard the name ms. cougar man that is what's the word tacky. Punctuation.
Start naming your characters. Crap man Sick... if they're going to speak name them and describe them and let us decide whether they are a sick ^&*^& or not. 1 line you don't need 3 you don't need four. You need one line, just one or 2 but you consistently over describe everything... that won't get you any brownie points, do you see the banner at the top of the page it says economy. You can say everything in one line and it will still give the same emotional impact. You don't want us distracted or bored. See someone can say something in one line and be more exciting and more vivid. Anyone can tell you that.

The ending is weird and contrived the dad just shows up and kills, you can write but is this a comic book.

Shorter sentences. Caps. Better Dialogue. Name characters that have something to do with plot. Care about your characters and give them names and be subtle not just corny with the names. I knew alot folks would have a problem with the guidelines. You set the tone very well in the start but just went off and your writing got less fluid and seemed to be trying too hard there. Cute a werewolf girl but it is just not the right scenes.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm putting Very Good for it.
It's very well written. The only thing - it was hard for me to understand who was Dad and whose dad he was. He says he is Colleen's dad but then the bar owner said he was her (bar owner's dad). Who dated who there before someone died? - that I did not understand either.
It would be fun to watch it. A good horror well told, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Perfect title. Visual and lots of action.
Good mislead, introducing Ms. Cougar first as "an older desperate woman." A second mislead -- expected the "female villain" was going to be Bar Owner, especially when she's introduced as "female, although it's hard to see through her manly outfit and appearance."
Some contradiction and mixed messages from Coleen during her ordeal with SF. (Might be a better character name). She "...looks at him seductively" and would "love a ride." Next, she's "anxious...more timid and afraid." Then, "distraught...smiles... sensually," but "her eyes betray a sense of discomfort."
Dad's appearance is an interesting surprise. Might add some curiosity if Dad's unexpected response, "Saving your ass," is delayed a little. Prior to the reader and viewer getting to "see" Dad, maybe, SF "gets thrown to the ground," asks "What...are you doing?" Dad doesn't reply but grabs SF, drags him off, etc. A third mislead as Dad's identity is unknown for several more moments, until Dad utters his response and SF looks up to see who this is? It is dark in the "Forest Clearing." Just a thought...
Bar Owner mentions a dead son, but he's not any part of Coleen's saga.
With some tweaking, this script could be a money-maker. Kids seem to love this kind of horror.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"They call him DAD." Who calls him Dad?

Coleen's transformation was somehow entirely predictable, and not just because Dad is "saving" the fella.

The action seems odd. ColeenWolf, if you will, slams Dad against the tree so hard that the tree falls over but Dad is unhurt? I'd have thought his back was broken at this point.

I'm trying to figure out why Dad took eight years to come back for his daughter, who pretty obviously has been at this game for a while, given the first scene.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title fits the story nicely. It's simple and memorable.

Your opening scene is really good. Is she shaving off the wolf hair? If she is, can I ask if you're a fan of the "Ginger Snaps" trilogy? Those are the only films I've seen where that's happened. Loved them!

I, personally, prefer that speaking characters have names. Even when their names aren't spoken out loud. It helps me visualize and keep them straight. Using generic titles instead of names leaves me with an unfinished mental image. I'm not rating on this. Just commenting on my own preferences.

You mention ASSHOLE #1, but there's no ASSHOLE #2 that I can find mentioned after that. This brings me back to names again. Name characters who speak or play an individual part in your story. Real names. As I go through this again, it's becoming annoying to read "Sick Fuck" and "Bar Owner" and "Bartender" over and over.

It would be fun to see this as a longer piece, with SPECIFIC characters.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

There is a huge bit of convenience here and that's when Colleen's Dad just so happens to be at the clearing when they pull over. Too easy.

What was the point of the older woman in the beginning of the story?? I really think this needs more focus.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You've created a nice atmosphere in the bar for the second scene, but I would say that the first scene gives too much away.

"Ms. Cougar"
Intentional? Unintentional? Either way, funny. It's strange that the second scene opens on her, and then she isn't involved at all in the real story, which I would say only kicks off once Coleen leaves the bar.

"Disco lights" is two words, as is "remote key".

You misuse "perpetually", which means "continuing forever" when applied to an action (emptiness is not an action), and also "omniscient", which means "all-knowing", often used as an attribute of God. I think for the bartender a neat little phrase would be much more effective and accurate to what you probably mean. I would suggest something trite like "wise in the ways of the world", but you can probably think of something better.

"Gothic" is already an adjective, and so doesn't require an "-esque" suffix.

The twist was unsurprising, and falls into a pattern that's been done and seen many times, but I liked how the pattern was broken when her Dad ends up shooting her.

Her method for living with the memory of killing people was also a nice touch, but the bar scene is too long and really weakens the story, which is really between Coleen and her father.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love werewolf stories and this is the first one I've read this month out of thirty scripts, maybe it will be the only one, but I hope not.

You've added a couple different angles on the werewolf genre, but overall it felt like the classic werewolf story, stifling some freshness to the script.

In the end, I'm left with some questions:

Why the epic battle between Coleen and her father tonight out of all nights?
It would seem Coleen's werewolf alter-ego would be a little more well known around town. She's killed the Bar Owner's son, she was going to kill Sick Fuck, and I think it's insinuated she has killed an unknown person recently, not to mention her mother's murderous history. That's kind of hard to keep a lid on.

Your screenwriting is fine, just a little too bulky. Slim down the narrative paragraphs, give the script a more lean look. Make it read fast, especially the action sequences.

Format overall appears in order.

There are numerous typos throughout, so just give it the once over one more time for that.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was kind of cool. I really liked the foreshadowing. It's nice to see that in a story. Not enough writers utilize that technique. I liked the vague character names, like Ms. Cougar, it didn't really have anything to do with the story, but it was kind of funny. Pretty good story.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Very well written.

SICK FUCK made me laugh. Interesting titles for the names and actions.

I like this style of writing. Fun to read. Will rate this high.

Robbie

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This script had a lot of horror in it, impending doom etc. The ending was okay, it then turned into a supernatural twist at the end, which made the story a little stronger. I think it would have been good if you could have named your male character. It detracted for me to have to read the F word over and over. It probably won't bother others, but to me, it seemed a little lazy. Name your character, bring him to life, then we care what happens to him.

Coleen was a pretty strong character.

Good title. Although I think Prowling would have been stronger.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

You've given us two different stories here. Your script begins with Story #1, which goes with your title, "Prowl". A young goth girl, actually a werewolf, goes on the prowl for her next victim. She finds him, and lures him out to a dark, deserted area where she intends to...do whatever it is werewolves do to people. But, then Story #1 is interrupted by Story #2, which is "Dad vs. The Werewolf Daughter". As a result of the two stories colliding, we don't really get a satisfying story at all. Each of these could be an exciting story, if crafted properly, so stick with one or the other. Either tell us the story of a teenage vampire on the prowl and the unexpected or surprising or shocking difficulties she encounters, or tell us the much deeper story of her mother (the werewolf) and her father and her and their history and maybe how it culminates in the events of that evening. Personally, I'd prefer the second story. It has a LOT more potential. The first story is like every other werewolf/vampire story you've ever seen.

So, I'd strongly recommend minimizing the first part of your script (the bar scene, for example, instead of being two pages could be about half a page), and focusing on the richer story about her family and how the women became werewolves, etc.

My score: FAIR.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

God, I love the names of your characters and the general way in which you write. Very poetic and such a flowing, endless read. I never wanted to stop reading at all. You're my type of writer and you've got the kind of style that gets recognized as talented.

Who are you, mystery writer?

The winner this month ladies and gentlemen.

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

For a change, the deadly female looses in the end. Your story definitely takes many twists and turns – some good and some not so good.

You formatting perhaps needed a little more care - such as, missing one odd (CONT’D), using upper case for BIG HAND, SILVER, etc.

Experts also say that a screenplay should have descriptions that can only be seen or heard by the audience. Nothing should be left to imagination (such as, “could be a dealer”; “sinister smile”; “fakes a moan”) like they do in novels.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

I liked this script. It's well written. You have a flair for description but I felt at times you maybe over did it with the adjectives. Particularly on the first page. A minor bit of trimming and it could be flawless in terms of your craft.

On occasion you also told us what to think rather than showing us what we should see. "Coleen is in great internal pain" .

Beforehand you had shown us that she was cringing at her fathers words and that she was fighting an urge. Maybe this is enough to show us that she's in great internal pain without having to tell us.

Aside from these minor comments, it was a good job! Well done. I look forward to reading your future work.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The exposition is loaded with editorial and reads like a novel (ie, they call him DAD, who exactly are they?) ; I found this heavy-handed and off-putting.

The character development was weak, most of them don't even have names or are irrelevant. By page 2, I don't know who the protagnonist (I assume it's the girl since she's the only one with a name, but she hasn't said or done anything) -- I have no clue what the story is about. Nothing really happens until page 3, this is moving too slow for my liking... and it didn't get interesting until page 4.

I did enjoy the action on pages 4 & 5, so this she-wolf story has the potential to be a lot better. I suggest getting rid of the bar scene altogether - start with Sick Fuck (give him a name please) and Coleen getting into his car, create a little suspense with the moon and all to suggest what's coming. Maybe have them be followed by Dad so we can wonder whether he's a good guy or a bad guy. The I'd play up the action, have Sick Fuck narrowly escape or go ahead and kill him, and let's have more of the battle between the girl and her dad - he should be a little more reluctant and sorry to kill her. This needed a lot more emotional impact.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Cool story. First werewolf in the batch, so extra points for that:) Ending did seem a little typical to me, trying to reason with the beast. Regardless, this is well written and interesting. Good job. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

What a great opening scene!!!

Overall, I liked this.

However, you try a little hard to be a a little too precious with your naming conventions.

"Sick Fuck". "They call him Dad". Those don't work for several reasons, but mostly it makes me think that your trying to be a hip, cool young writer.

Another example of "cuteness" is where you describe Sick Fuck as "sloppily dressed, round 30, could be a dealer, averagely attractive". It's not just precious, it's lazy.

"Could be a dealer"? Lazy. "Averagely attractive"? Is Averagely a word? Is his attractiveness even important to the story?

The fight scene between Coleen and Dad didn't play well. She slams him against trees, squeezes his neck until he bleeds, but he's always able to talk perfectly. The trees break with the force of him being slammed against them, yet he still leaps around and can fight. Made no sense.

Other than that, I liked this a lot. With some spit and polish, you could have a nice little film made out of it.

Very Good.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great read. Fast, frenetic writing that really set the stage.

In the beginning, however, I thought Ms. Cougar was the woman with the bloodstained teeth - not Colleen.

Clean up some of the grammar errors on page three - you'll see them with a careful proofread.

I'm glad you're dialogue was sparse, but you don't need Dad to be so on the nose with his words.

Just a little editing and tweaking and this will be excellent. You're one helluva a writer.

Comments Made After the Contest

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 1:10 PM

First of, thank you all for reviewing. I'm new to this kind of thing and the ammount of feedback is overwhelming. Well, I thought I had a winner on my hands here, but I guess that's how everyone feels. My first entry and I'm actually pretty glad about the results. I get this 'hate it' or 'love it' kind of vibe about some of the risks I took.

The character naming seems to be a big issue, and I'm glad some people loved it. I was laughing all the way as I mentally pictured 'Sick Fuck' getting his share, but I know I know, it's not proper scriptwriting. I felt it added to the overall horror/throwaway killing that fits to these types of stories, but I guess others felt different. I meant to name them after their functionality in the script. Joel Davis mentioned that I didn't show Sick Fuck BEING a sick fuck. Well, he feels up and plans to have sex with a drunken minor, so now you know.

Ms. Cougar, as well as the Bar Owner were distractions, like I said in some reviews, everyone who is going to review the scripts KNOWS the requirements, you can anticipate on that and I knew that a little focus on those chars would throw people off a bit, keep them guessing at least until I straightened it out of the bar. They COULD have been the deadly females in the description, but they were basically just Red Herrings. It did trick KP Mackie, thanks.

The typos and grammar errors knocked it down somewhat I suppose, I noticed many when reading through the script, unfortunately after the deadline.

For those who cared about it, I put quite some little hints in the script:
- The shaving, is indeed wolfhair, (right on Margaret Ricke!)
- There's a howling when Coleen walks into the bar
- Yes, she has indeed killed the Bar Owner's kid, poor woman.
- Yes, Daddy shot mommy because she was a werewolf
- The moon, many times, perhaps too much

The Assholes are a remnant from a forgotten draft, looking back, I see I should have removed them entirely, they add little to NOTHING. Asshole #1 becomes Sick Fuck, introducing him just a little earlier.

The Dad-window surprise, I personally like it alot, I don't want any foreshadowing on this one because it suddenly changes the entire dynamic of the climax. He gets hit against a tree and many people complained he should atleast be VERY injured. I did mention it was a ROTTEN tree, many rotted trees break easily and are easy to push over. I'm surprised this was such a bump for many.

I guess that 'tonight of all nights?' (Paul Williams) does need a better reason than just 'Because'.

In any case, I hope it was a read you will remember, if only for the silly Sick Fuck name. Thanks for the comments and the compliments, (Shane Shearer & the other 'excellents' in particular.) For others who liked my 'style': I'll be rewriting this, so look forward to that and I entered the October Contest too.

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 1:22 PM

congrats on a job well done...i have to say that i've been reviewing here for almost a year, now and can't recall ever seeing a score like yours...perfectly symmetric...2-24-46-24-2...now there's a title for next year's numbers contest...

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 1:36 PM

Haha, I was going for the 50-0-0-0-50, but I guess this suffices as a 'hate-it'/'love-it' sort of thing ;)