Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Good creepy story. ice execution and definitely original. Nice to see an old lady be a bad a** ! I like how everything is one messed up coincidence after another, from giving Desdemona the wrong injection to slipping on the tray and stabbing herself, it's all Dita's own doing.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

I enjoyed the twists and turns. Highly imaginative. The title of the script is really enticing. The story was clean and easy to follow. A good balance of dialog and descriptive text. I would enjoy watching this. Let me know if it's ever filmed.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

This doesn't look like its written with a writing program, the alignment looks off. This was nicely written, had a nice flow to it, but be sure to use a screenwriting program so it looks more professional.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The formatting is off. I only noticed one typo. The dialogue was a bit too expository in parts. As far as the story, it was pretty well told but could use a little bit of clarification at the end. It gets a little confusing because we're hit with the lesbian love affair, the euthanasia and then the resurrection of The Devil's Avenger within the span of 1 page. I think that part of the story should be lengthened a little bit to add clarity.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very good. You managed to engage me in three different characters. They each had their own personality - so many people don't manage to do that.

The one line I didn't like was:

DITA
No. You’re dead.

Not credible.

Very good job though.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This was an interesting piece. I always love stories that call upon the vintage age of Hollywood. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title. I love old hollywood and I can totally picture the room and Desdemona dying under the watchful eyes of her poster.

I think you do a nice job with the tone and atmosphere. The story unfolds a little quickly. I wish it wasn't all done in one scene. I think if you play with time a bit, this could be more effective. As it is now, it almost feels like a play at times. Perhaps, more visuals and a little less dialogue.

Still, this was a lot of fun and I love that last line. Well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...nice motivation for each character...dialog worked...if i had to offer some criticism, it would be that sometimes things are too detailed...picks up the knife & cuts the crust off of the sandwich reads redundant...don't give us every single movement withing the scene...just the quick hits and dialog...leave something for the readers imagination...especially when we only get 5 pages...less is more...more story...less minutiae...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This should be easy to film, well, one location. The characters were pretty creepy, you set the action up quite nicely and delivered one of the better stories I've read this month.

Excellent

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

First sentence is too long. I would suggest you break it it into two or more sentences. Consider the following instead: First make the log-line MANSION MASTER BEDROOM SUITE - NIGHT Then... "LORELEI (20’s), a femme fatale in a chemise and silk robe, spoon feeds soup to a bedridden DESDEMONA (90’s) Desdemona, small and frail, turns away. Then in the next sentence: "She stares with eyes of steel at the wall, covered with vintage Hollywood movie posters including: HELEN URTH, THE DEVIL’S AVENGER.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

Not bad. A spelling error. Your first sentence is way too long, needs some periods instead of commas. I would have liked to see a little more happen. I also didn't feel anything for the characters. Maybe explain a little more about the "Devil's Avenger" character. Could have incorporated a Max Schreck/Shadow of the vampire kind of deal. Keep writing!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I was actually pretty hooked up with your story...up until the last page. There is so much background information and secrets about this family that keeps me reading on. I was trying to tease out what each character's intentions are, who is the real villain, and what not. So that was quite entertaining. I liked it.

However, you took the story into a completely different direction that both surprised me and confused me. There is no hint of any supernatural presence earlier in the script, so it was very hard for me to believe and digest that Desdemona suddenly turned into a ghost.

I just hope you could have setup the story with some supernatural elements in the beginning, then I'll be more comfortable with your ending. As of now, I suggest you stay within reality horror between the characters. There is just so much tension between them that it feels wasted with your ending.

Anyway, I did enjoy reading it. So good job.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

There were some really nice things going on. The bitterness created with having to care for a sick family member could be felt. The relationship between Dita and Loralei was also very unexpected, as was Dita's betrayal. The ending for me though, didn't seem like a good fit. I liked how it mingled with the movie Desdemona was known for, but it just made everything a little confusing.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked the title - it hits the right tone. You have three characters in the script and two of their name's begin with "D". I suggest a bit more differentiation. The relationship between Lorelei and Dita is portrayed very efficiently. The plot builds with both subtlety and momentum. Very well done. I was not crazy about the use of the ellipses (...) in the action lines. Also, the bit about who is wearing whose body seems to be a bit too confusing for me. "Dita pulls the sheet away and reveals...
HELEN URTH, the Devil’s Avenger.The demon avenger wears Lorelei’s face and body, but it’s
Desdemona’s supernatural voice that reverberates in Dita’s" How can Helen Urth be revealed if the face and body are Lorelei's. Why are they Lorelei's? If we want Lorelei's face and body to be a demon/ghost, then why not just use Lorelei's body? It's right in the room.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

You've certainly got the sensual part of the story down.

I'm not sure that the old woman being a former movie star is really relevant to the story. I think that actually detracts. We don't know of this old movie and it therefore means nothing to us. I think the bulk of the story without that particular subplot stands well on its own.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Everyone talks the same. Would a 90 year old women really speak like a 20 years old?

You said that the poster was vintage. Then you said she was staring at the airbrushed body of her grandmother. Airbrush definitely does not say vintage.

I understand why you said she wears Lorelei's face, because the younger Desdemona looks just like her, but to go as far to say "the demonic Lorelei". Now that's saying Lorelei's body is being used to fight. You should of just used Helen Urth.

The nurse was shouting out Lorelei's name at the end, but you made it seem as though she killed her when Dita removed the necklace. I mean, I know they've done this before, but after the nurse JUST killed someone, you can't watch her inject a needle into an accomplices arm, and not assume that she killed her. That screams DEAD.

The line "no. you're dead" you need to be more creative with it. That line has been used so many times. Step out the cliche.

Why is Lorelei laughing so hard when her grandmother dies, if all she wanted was for her not to suffer? And if she was being sarcastic, it's not as if she's getting any of the money. The grandmother clearly told her she was not in the will.

You use "..." too much.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Your script had a very promising beginning, I just loved the vintage film noir feel, however the end disappointed me. It seemed like the end of an Agatha Christie novel in which all the loose ends are explained and tied up, I find this works for longer scripts that have kept you guessing all the way through, but there's simply not enough material in five pages to create real "mysteries" to be explaining. Other than this, I loved the tone of the piece and hope to read more of your scripts when the voting is finished and I find out who you are.

Oh, one other thing, lose Desdemona's last line. It's a bit "comic book villain cheesy" if you know what I mean.

John Brooke (Level 5)

A movie script as melodramatic as mythical, and powerful as a Helen Urth poster!

Your concept is fiendishly clever and your execution is divinely early thirties talkies clever.

Portraits of the characters are well drawn with an icy precision. Lot of emotional conflict craftily staged.

You dialogue is appropriately bitchy delivered with individual marvelous edginess. Perfect roles for Barbara Stanwych, Gloria Swanson and Betty Davis. Some how I visualized Gloria playing Desdemona, Barbara is Lorelei, and Betty makes a perfectly obnoxious lethal Sappho nurse.

Altogether I found it a fascinating romp suitable for the silver screen of a least an intimate flat screen television set.

This was an enjoyable blast from the best. Small cast of three, a suitable bedroom location, probability already available, this screenplay and could be mounted as an elegant production for a modest production cost.

I thought it was an entertaining story suitable for a female audience to enjoy.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script was going great. Great title, characters and situation. Then all of a sudden Dita trips and stabs herself. She Trips... AND stabs herself. Okay, I understand the scenario: Dita's all scared because she thought she just killed Desdemona and she actually killed her lover, Lorelei. Fear, confusion, panic... your writing did communicate these things. However, I cannot fathom a young nurse just tripping on a silver tray and impaling herself with her own weapon. I mean, yeah it is possible, but the act steals from the rising climax that has been so well built up. I feel that Dita's death should have come from Desdemona herself, or perhaps a more freakish, but fitting accident. Maybe it's just me...LOL!!! All in all, I liked this piece very much and it deserves a Very Good.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Hate to say this but if you're going to write a script about a female killer. Don't call anyone killer or not a femme fatale. Also if she's the nurse she doesn't have to be super beautiful.

Ok there's some thing wrong with your margins. I'm sort of confused why would she come back to take take her or kill or take her soul. I do like the background. There is alot of dialogue to get through in certain parts and you keep sort of pushing the poster in our face. I wish there was something else to go on. Also I still don't think or at least I'm not convinced that what she did warranted the devil's avenger. This is some good writing though just got carried away with your dialogue to explain everything to us.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

There's a little too much, too many themes - Lorelei and Dita are lovers, Lorelei's mother is being bad to her own mother, Desdemona is messed up and thinks wrong about Lorelei. Yet I don't know who to root for and if Lorelei was indeed a bad one - it's kind of very unclear if Dita lyed to her, what Dita tried to do and why. What's in it for Dita?

It was very funny at the beginnign and I was prepared to like it very much but then I thought that the dialog on page 2 was very expositional and when I got to the end of it that dialog appeared unnecessary (I think it didn't pay off...) and I thought that you ended up with too many main characters and vilains that are not clearly defined.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Visual single location. This bedroom setting is distinctive with its noir feel. The "elegant mansion, femme fatale in...chemise...vintage Hollywood movie posters" adds a lot of interest.
The story is dialogue-heavy, which is okay. The characters are distinguishable from each other; Lorelei in her 20s, Desdemona in her 90s, and Dita in her 30s -- unique name choices -- speak with their own voices. Probably the most intriguing is the tit-for-tat exchanges between Lorelei and Desdemona. At times, Lorelei seems to be taking advantage, but then she seems genuinely upset when she thinks her grandmother is dead. Nurse Dita is creepy. Not sure that the relationship between Lorelei and Dita is needed.
Dialogue could use tightening in some places. In response to Lorelei's observation, "I thought you wanted to die?" Desdemona could simply state, "I'm getting better." Lorelei also says to Dita, "Pity you haven't seen any of Desi's films (probably should spell out Desdemona or use Nana earlier). Dita replies, "You look a lot like her," which would foreshadow Desdemona assuming Lorelei's appearance later on.
Particularly like Desdemona's acid ending, "There's no escape from the Devil's Avenger."

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I wasn't really sure what to make of this one. The story seems to really take a turn into another dimension on page 4, what with the kiss, the shooting up, and so on. Prior to that, it was a hard drama, but then it just became rather surreal. The tonal shift hit me rather hard.

The completely "natural" reasons behind Lorelai's and Dita's respective demises, I'm still chewing on them, trying to figure out if I like them or not. Because they don't seem to jive with the whole Desdemona-appearing-like-the-Devil's-Avenger-until-Dita-blinks-away-the-vision thing. That's a weird sequence, but then everything else is explained away in a neat little bundle: Dita accidentally switched the drugs (unlikely) and then stabbed herself in the throat (reeeeeeally unlikely).

And then one has to ask, "Why the Devil's Avenger?" Wouldn't Desdemona have actually been "God's Avenger"? I'd think the Devil would've been happy to have another soul to claim, but here, Desdemona "returns from the dead" in order to wreak justice, which is generally the last thing the Devil is supposed to want.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like your title and your opening. Good visuals and descriptives.

Your script is showing up wrong on my computer, and I think it's something Chris or Rusti could help you with. The page numbers are hugging the top of the page and the body of the work is shifted to the left. It might be a problem with the PDF upload, but don't quote me on that. Just a heads up. It would be a shame to get marked down for a computer glitch.

This is well written and well thought out, but I'd never label it a horror story. If I did, it would be like saying that Agatha Christie wrote horror stories. I know this passed Chris and the mods, though, so I'm not rating on that either.

What I am rating on is the story, the writing, the character development, etc.

Good work!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Wow! That was really good! What a twist! I don't know what I can say as far as a suggestion...this was great. And easy to film too. Excellent work! :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Page 2: Desdemona's line "now she’s doesn’t..." should be "now she doesn't".

You set up a very interesting dynamic between the characters.

Great ending. I liked how the Devil's Avenger played into it. I loved how you piled twist upon twist, and how the characters were caught up in each others lies.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s a cool concept.

My only complaint is that the villains’ plan failed because of their own ineptitude in implementing it. They injected the old woman with the wrong syringe, the nurse accidentally kills her partner and then trips stabbing her own throat.

This doesn’t leave much room for the protagonist to do something *herself* to get out of her predicament. She’s the Devil’s Avenger after all... let her do some avenging. :D

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was not bad for horror. I liked the whole grandmother movie star plot. Kind of Bette Davis. My biggest problem with this was that it was written in a very confusing manner. You kept referring to Dita as the nurse and it got difficult to keep track of what was going on, especially toward the end. When you have a character you should always refer to them by name. Otherwise you did well, a bit melodramatic, but well.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I liked how the story went full circle, there's really a feeling of conclusion at the end. There's a big red line through it which feels realistic, without over emphasizing their importance. The dialogue feels a bit too exposition-y at times, and many times I feel you could relay the information better within descriptions. The lesbian-erotic thing isn't really a strong point in the script and a bit confusing, the passion seems morbid and misplaced. It's not morbid enough to be sickening and it feels unnecessary.

BEST MOMENT: The reveal of the different needles. Good twist.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A creepy story where everyone gets what they deserve.

Dialogue is the main issue here. There's too much of it throughout, and most of it is on-the-nose and expositional. Since you've limited the story's setting to a single room, most of the plot and back-story is relayed through dialogue.

There are a few good visuals incorporated (i.e.- the knife, the pills, etc.), but you should add in more to help relay the plot and theme.

Your screenwriting and formatting are both good overall. Didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This has a drama feel to it for much of the story and then it kicks off into twists that come quite fast. I like the idea, although I wonder if it might be stronger if it used the supernatural angle for real.

"Her eyes wander to the images of Helen Urth, as played by a drop-dead gorgeous Desdemona in her 20’s, her airbrushed body clad in a revealing costume." - I'm not clear on how we would know that this is Desdemona, and did they "airbrush" pictures back then?

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This was an interesting plot. I think it could've used a little more backstory or foreshadowing. You had a little bit, but the plot twist kind of came out of left field. You had some formatting issues, mostly with the dialouge, so watch out for that in the future. I think it hurt the pacing a little bit.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

For the most part, the script works. I think having just three characters and all of them women works well. There were parts that felt weak and just almost too farfetched, when Desdemona woke up after being dead, that felt pretty fake to me.

I didn't feel any sense of foreboding or horror, it was just a matter of knowing something was going to happen, but I guess this was not that suspensful, on the edge of your seat type of story.

I didn't care for any of the women, maybe that was why I struggled with this story. I want at least one good person to root for in a script, and in your story, Dita and Loreilei were so selfish that I couldn't care for them.

I felt sad for Desdemona, until the last page LOL

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a pretty good idea for a story. And it's pretty well told. I found myself getting a little confused at the climactic moment, though, when Helen Urth, the Devil's Avenger, makes her brief appearance. It's Desdemona, returning as The Devil's Avenger, with the physical appearance of Lorelei, but Desdemona's voice. Yikes! Talk about multiple personalities! Why bother including the physical appearance of Lorelei? She's one of the bad guys, and she's gone. This is between Desdemona and the evil Dita now. But, then, after all that, Dita kills herself when she slips on the silver tray. So, nothing all that spooky or horrifying really happens -- Dita kills Lorelei by accident (I think), she very briefly sees an apparition of The Devil's Avenger, then she accidentally kills herself. Desdemona, the protagonist, didn't really do anything but watch. The whole story just happened around her.

Some small things that didn't work for me. On Page 2, the way you've written "Dita picks up the knife...and cuts the crust off the sandwich..." looks like it was intended to be a scary or suspenseful moment. It's not. You can't just put an ellipsis in your narrative and rely on it to create suspense. You have to create that suspense with your writing skills. You need to build suspense -- in this case, you needed to give us some reason to suspect that Dita might do something sinister with that sharp knife. As written, though, it was just a sharp knife.

Another small thing that didn't work for me -- Desdemona's closing line of dialogue. "There's no escape from the Devil's Avenger." Hiyo Silver! Kind of a clicheed thing to say to wrap up your story.

Overall, it was an enjoyable read. I'd recommend putting a little more punch in the climax and get Desdemona/Helen a little more involved in the outcome.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Interesting story with a twist ending. I enjoyed it and found the old woman being shot up with heroin to be humorous.

I wonder if you saw that old poster and got the idea for this script from it. Interesting how things like that inspire stories like this.

Good effort.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

A nice twist at the end, the last page is where the script really became a horror for me. I started to worry as it got closer to the end that it wouldn't meet the brief ..but it did!

Very well written, I like your style and although your dialogue was good, your flair for description shone throughout. Nice work.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a crazy story. You create some great characters in Dita and Lorelei, but I feel it comes apart at the end. It carries a serious and ominous tone the whole way through, suspense building until the twist takes it in a different and hokey direction. Regardless, for the most part the pace and story are great. Good job!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The concept of The Devils Avenger is kind of fun.

The first page seemed off to a good start. Unfortunately, the remaining pages are in serious need of revision.

There are three primary issues:

- Virtually everything was predictable.
- Almost nothing in the script was horrific.
- The dialogue was long, on the nose and just kind of boring.

In a horror, the less said, the better. Not every comment needs a reply... and often those replies don't answer the questions... they lead somewhere else, which gives the piece some subtext.

You need to inject some element of horror earlier. Horror doesn't necessarily mean scary. It can be forboding, terrible, tense, whatever. But as it is, there are four pages of talk talk talk that could be condensed to two, thus leaving room to expand the piece and make room for real horror.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Seems like Desdemona went from her death bed to feeling wonderful awfully quick, too quick to be believable, but it's a horror, so the rules of logic bend a bit. I think this is a creative story with unique names --"Helen Urth"-funny. Has a dark humor and mystery about it that appeals to me.

Comments Made After the Contest

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 12:25 AM

My favorite this month Sylvia. GREAT JOB!!!!

John Brooke (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 10:04 AM

Excellent as noted in my comments above. You gave me enjoyable entertainment!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 2:28 PM

Thank you everyone - I had a good time writing this, and hammered it out pretty quickly. I haven't had as much time to devote to my screenwriting projects in the last few months, and only managed to read about 20 of the scripts this month. I appreciate the comments, this month's contest was lots of fun.