Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Best one I've read so far. Thank you for giving me something to think about!! I've read about a lot of sex and swearing and no substance thus far. This was entertaining and involved me in the story. Only question- where did she get the match?

Cass is clever and resourceful and I want to know how she got something that a prisoner may not be allowed to have. You showed me all the others so I need to see her get it from a guard or a smoking prisoner, something. That is the one point where the reality broke down.

Also, thank you for keeping it simple with one lead character so I could really follow someone beginning to end. Just right. Not too much writing or explanations - a very shootable script! Great Job!

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is very well-written. I definitely like your writing style. The whole story has a nice flow to it. It was a quick read.

The title is simple, but it fits the piece well. The story is good. I like the ending. I think that was a very cool idea. It would look great on screen. I could just picture the fear in Ed's eyes. Poor guy.

I didn't spot any major formatting or grammar errors either.

Overall, I think this is really good. Nice idea and well-executed. I'm not sure if the story was exactly horror, "horror," but I'm not one to judge on that. Keep up the good writing!

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Love the ending! The beggining needs a little work though. Not much, I just think Ed needs to be a bit more of an ass in the beggining to justify being cursed. Eitehr that or see Cass getting harassed more as a consequence of him having told the other inmates that she was a molester. Maybe even show a bit more of Cass getting harrased as Ed's aging progresses.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

This was very interesting. Well written, easy to follow. I liked the fact that the ending was unpredictable. A clever angle with the spell, as opposed to stabbing, strangling, blood spatter, etc. The very idea of "prison" is scary, in and of itself. It really is a great setting for horror to take place. Nice work!

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Interesting premise. Practice the "less is more" concept. Way too much is written here, especially in them montages, those could almost be separate scenes by themselves.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. It had a Stephen King vibe to it. It seemed like you were cramming a little too much in to five pages so things felt a little rushed. The story starts off a little dull, but takes off once she puts her spell on him. The final twist at the end where she releases him was great and bumped the score up a notch for me. Overall, I thought this was pretty well done. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The Spell
by

Why do you do this?

GASPS as he fingers GRAY HAIR. His eyes grow wide as he
inspects DEEP WRINKLES. - I have an IQ of more than 85 - I can notice things without you capitalising them, thank you!

This was a good story, though. I enjoyed it. Well done! A bit quirky, a bit away from the usual. Good job!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This was certainly ambitious and creative. It didn't work to it's fullest, because of the page constraints. I'm sure in your longer version you show her being attacked by the inmates. And her appeal and apparent innocence. This would give us more sympathy for her and more hate toward him all of which would give what you already got more oomph.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

That was very creepy and original.

I wish Ed had done something a little worse so I felt like he deserved his fate more.

Still, this was a great read and I loved the ending.

David Birch (Level 5)

decent try at the genre...the second half of the story worked better for me...not sure about the set up...motivations for ed and cass just didn't resonate enough for them to act out the way that the did...would have preferred to see a "series of shots" done before cass' incarceration to set up your "spell"...a little tweaking would move this one up a bunch...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That was pretty crazy, but I couldn't buy the premise.

No set up for the voodoo powers they come out of nowhere.
If this woman is innocent then she's no monster, Ed got what he deserved.
I don't believe that Ed is just going to go about his everyday business of being a prison guard after he ages so incredibly fast.

Ed should've raised the stakes somehow, somebody should raise the stakes. I felt no tension, no drama, no horror, just Ed begging. Then you let him off the hook, (sort of) and Ed gets his youth back. I imagine he would eventually get out of the body bag somehow. And having the body bag in with the meat is just bizarre, what century is this prison in?

You have the story structure down, and you write visually, I got a concise picture. So, good job, but with some added tension it could be better.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

Interesting take on this month's challenge. I liked that her revenge was two-fold. I also really liked that she wasn't the kind of monster you first assumed she was.

Frank Kanozik (Level 1)

It seems to me that the motive of Cass is very weak. I don't see why she even bothered with Ed, as you even point out to the reader, "They would have found out eventually." This could be fixed by Ed doing something even more egregious.

The weak motive also causes the setting to be almost unnecessary as the setting merely sets up the situation where Cass would want to have "revenge" on someone.

The twist at the end is kind of interesting, but it also kind of doesn't make sense. She lifts the spell and that brings him back to life... but the spell was that he would age rapidly not that he would die. Also, it doesn't make sense that they would put him in the freezer and not take him to a hospital or store him properly... and given the setting is a prison I'm sure they have the correct facilities for it. Furthermore, the correct facilities would just be a cool environment and so Ed would simply just be a little uncomfortable for an hour before someone came to move the body and noticed that it was alive.

Nitpicks:

Female molesters probably are not looked down on as much as men by fellow inmates.

If Ed aged to the point of losing teeth and heart attack he should also be too old to continue his duties as a prison guard.

A witch with a power over death surely has some other tricks that would have prevented her from being locked up in the first place.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Okay, not bad. I can see you are trying very hard to fit the entire story into those five pages. But this story seems a bit too large for this contest.

Maybe you can trim away some of the scenes where Ed starts getting old. Actually, you can take away the plotpoint of Cass getting out of prison. That doesn't really add much to the overall story. Cass can still be in prison when all these are happening to Ed. I think if you do that, your story would be more focused and in-depth.

On the positive, good horror at the last scene. Being burying alive is something I don't want to think about. *Shiver*. Good job.

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I liked this one. It kept me reading till the end, and had me guessing as to what could possibly happen to Ed in the end. That was my favorite part, having the spell end with Ed lying in the morgue freezer. A nice twist and perfect revenge for Cass. I know five pages isn't enough for character development, but I feel that I didn't sense enough of a driving force for Cass to take revenge. Yes, he did tell the other prisoners about why Cass was there, but maybe if there were a couple of more instances of how hard Cass had it, and less of the paper work and lawyer meeting, there might be more tension to the script. Having them look in disgust is a good start, but in prison there might be those who try to take matters in there own hands. But that is just my opinion. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked this quite a lot. I noticed that you gave the character's names, but never used them so the audience does not know them. They will just be "the woman prisoner" and "the guard" to them. Could the name be worked in? I liked the new context for this curse. I was not sure if Cass intended things to get worse for the guard, or better, which made the ending interesting as well as horrific.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Excellent! I read through every page intently. I kept wondering what would happen next. It was so engaging. You told just enough without the outcome becoming obvious.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Nicely written, but after Ed turned old, the story would have taken a completely different turn. A doctor would of been called and the story would have been all over the news. Ed wouldn't of been working there anymore, instead, been some lab rat for the government while Cass would be under SEVERE investigation. I thought that's where you were going with the guy in the suit, but he ended up being her lawyer.

I think you were trying to imply that he was going to die by being in the freezer, but the warden called his family, and most likely they would rush over and want to see him, then they open the bag, he'd probably be half dead, but still would be breathing.

Overall, nice story, but many flaws. I'll give it a good.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Neatly told and powerfully visualized. Reading this was like being buried alive. Super horrific. The zipped-up body bag ending delivered a double whammy of chills.

Good idea carried creatively to it’s grave conclusion. Your characters are well drawn and their conversations and reactions are individual and unique.

I was unable to detect any typos so I have no nits to pick.

When I return before the end of this month I see if I can be more helpful.

Very good and maybe even excellent horror movie.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great script. This witch is deadly indeed. The title, while accurate and on the spot, could have benefitted from something more poetically dramatic.

Cass's was initially threatened by other inmates for her crimes, but those threats do not resurface throughout the rest of the script. For a minute there I thought there would at least be a scene in which she would get beat up for being a Child Molester, but she goes through her time relatively safe. I feel that this would have added to the script and made her vengeance even more poignant.

The actual casting of the spell, the collection and preparation of materials and the resulting aging in Ed was very well written and shown. You did a great job. At the end, just when you thought it was over... BAM!!! More suffering... LOL!!!

I enjoyed this script very much and it made for a solid read. Great writing and sharp visuals kept this moving at an even pace from beginning to end. Excellence!!!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok we're in a prison but what does the prison look like. Remember you want to take us to a world not just start off with introducing characters is the prison new age is it on an island all of this sets the tone. So when introducing characters remember your locations are characters too. I wonder if folks will catch this and not just be searching for unimportant stuff like spelling mistakes. Make it clear what sex your characters are.
Chester the molester is cliche and unoriginal in my opinion. Your dialogue sounds unnatural and forced get your story moving out the gate don't just use any verb use powerful verbs and sentence structure to drive your script. I think somehow end feels rushed. Characters just didn't come through in the slightest.

Suggestion: Balance your writing with brief poetic flares because right now this feels too deadpan and matter of fact. Also keep a thesaurus nearby and make sure you do rewrites. Always make sure your scenes are teeming with drama and your characters need to be doing something interesting at all times.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's too many short shots for me that disrupt the flow a little.

It was hard to care for your main character, instead you got me to care for ED. I kind of believed him at first.
And then what happened to Cass in prison. People have been calling her Chester and then kind of played nice. Even if it's two days or one day they would do something I think.

Good premise though. Very unconventional. Could be reworked, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well-structured and easy to read. Nice variety of locations, especially considering that the majority of the story takes place in a prison.
The two characters of Cass and Ed are contrasting in description and age; makes them simple to follow.
Understand that Cass is some sort of witch. Really like the way she collects the materials for her concoction.
Not certain her explanation for the spell works, though. At the start, she's apparently been accused of being a "molester," which she denies with "But I didn't..." Ed responds, "I know," intimating that Cass is innocent. She asks, "But, how?" Is she asking Ed how he knows she's innocent?
Her next line, "You told, didn't you?" and Ed's reply, "They would of found out eventually" infers there's a secret, which the story doesn't answer.
Good job with the horror prompt. Cannot imagine anything more scary than coming back to life and finding yourself trapped in a body bag and stuck in a freezer. Yikes.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Where'd Cass get the match? I wouldn't imagine that inmates are allowed to play with fire. You painstakingly show us where she finds the comb, hair, cigarette, egg shell, coffee, etc., yet she just shows up with a match! That, to me, is the most interesting item in her cell.

Along the same lines, how'd she smuggle the spoon out of the cafeteria? I'd imagine prison guards watch that pretty closely. That could be a weapon, you know.

"She lies hands" ought to be "She lays her hands".

What's the point of the "Chester" stuff at the beginning? It doesn't actually matter what she's in prison for, since there's no attacks from other inmates, and she's released awfully quickly anyway. None of the opening scene stuff is ever paid off.

Why doesn't Ed beat Cass, or throw her in solitary for insubordination, or whatever? He seems awfully passive when she blows stuff in his face.

This is a horror competition. You think it's horrible to grow old? :) Just kidding.

That's a pretty cool twist at the end. Although, her witchery powers bring several more questions to mind, such as: if she's so powerful, I don't understand why she she couldn't avoid getting caught in the first place.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Interesting, and your "horror" didn't involved hack-n-slash. Nice work.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The formatting, spelling and punctuation are all well done. Personally, I find colons and semicolons distracting when I read a script. I always stop and consider if they're used correctly. I don't rate on this at all, though. Just a comment that they take me out of the story.

The story itself is well thought out and well written, and I enjoyed it. As much as I like this, though, I'm not feeling the horror. Actually, I'm not feeling any tension at all. It's very even emotionally.

I'd like to see a longer version with more action and confrontation between the two. Maybe she knows exactly what she's doing to him at the end when she lifts the curse...

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was creepy. I did have some questions though. What Ed did was crappy but it she was put in jail for something she didn't do I would think there were probably others out there that did worse things to her. It just seemed a bit harsh. I like the idea of casting the spell, making him old and then ending it and having him stuck alive in the body bag. I think if would have more impact if the person did something really horrible to her though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like the wasting away curse. It's very creepy.

"They would of found out eventually"
This should be "would've", being an abbreviation of "would have".

You switch viewpoints from Cass to Ed. This is a bit distracting. Cass doesn't really have a reason for cursing him, except for him telling the other inmates.

Good.

Niko Sucic (Level 2)

Nice story, but your style of writing is for me, very hard to read and follow. I mean, I can follow it, but it is written in style that is just hard to swallow. She does this, he does that, day, night, day, night, this, that. Sorry, but if you would realize this script, it wouldn't be so interesting. And the end could be better done, you could really punch it with the freezer bit, but there was no intensity...

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

A prison for women is an interesting location. No major format errors noted. Nice twist at the end.

"Would have" or "would've," not "would of." Ellipses indicate the speaker trails off, dashes indicate an interruption - it's hard to tell which you intend. Needs edit pass for word choice, verb tenses. Hard to believe Cass isn't punished for blowing stuff into a guard's eyes. Wonder why no one notices Ed becoming elderly in a matter of days or weeks. He seems very passive about the whole thing. Also, hard to believe the prison would put a guard's body in a food freezer rather than call a funeral home or the county coroner. Need to tighten up the climax and resolution - I assumed the story was over when Ed died, so when it kept going for over a page I was more confused than intrigued.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting read, it's well written and formatted, unfortunately there's also little special about it. I mean, I've seen these things before, although the gender is definitely different. I do wish you took it in more interesting directions because a woman who suddenly knows some kind of VooDoo and hurts/kills a man which only gave information out which was given to him seems pretty unfair. Is her really to blame or is the person who got here in there in the first place. Isn't there a sweeter revenge story in how she's going to get back at them? I think it would also be interesting to see her do more of her magic.

BEST MOMENT: The whole magic in prison thing is welldone. It's like Prison Break meets Charmed...haha

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is refreshingly different from the previous twenty-two scripts I've read so far, but I have a few too many questions and concerns.

I'm not quite sure who's side I'm on, I feel for both Cass and Ed as I think they are both misunderstood.

I would think Cass' ability to cast spells so simply would keep her out of prisoner in the first place.

I think we need more of a motivation for Cass than Ed divulging her "crime" to the other prisoners. He's right, they would've found out eventually.

How exactly is Cass innocent anyway, or is she?

I might keep the entire story inside this gloomy prison, don't take us to Ed's kitchen nook.

In my experiences with morgues, you could definitely hear someone shouting and banging all over. It might be far creepier if Cass doesn't lift the spell until Ed in buried in the ground.

In the end, what's the overall theme or moral?

Your screenwriting is very good. There's a lot of narrative, but it read fast and you used visuals good throughout.

Format appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This is another script that belongs on the Twilight Zone. I don't know if your intention was for the audience to dislike Ed or what, but he came off as someone not to be liked. I guess that's why it could go on the Twilight Zone. I liked the story, I think execution and intent could have been better, it was slow at moments, but it was pretty solid. I liked Cass she was a good character. By far your best. Good work.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Interesting.

So she was accused of something, and in the end she was innocent, but she set a spell on the guard? Why'd his teeth fall out? Or was that the spell..

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This sure was creepy. I think you did a good job of creating suspense and fear into the story. I like that she undid the spell while Ed was in the body bag.

I wasn't clear what happened, why Ed told the other inmates about Cass and I wasn't sure what she had done. The back story is a bit cloudy. How would the inmates have found out what she did? I suppose news travels fast in prison, so I'll let that one go.

Good writing, and this was an interesting story. I loved the teeth falling out and the changes in ED. That really was creepy.

My pet peeve ...

ED
They would of found out eventually.

It should be

They would HAVE found out eventually.

Good job.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty good story. It started out to be a really GREAT story, but a couple things caused it to lose some steam along the way. First of all, why pick on Ed? He wasn't such a bad guy -- it would have been better if he was a creep. Second, it needed some kind of twist (or something) to jazz up the story. As it is, the story is really over at the bottom of Page 2 when we see that Ed is aging because of the gunk she blew in his face. After that, it's just a matter of reading the next few pages to see how it all transpires. And, third, the last scene is kind of a head scratcher. If he's in a body bag, would we be able to see his gray hair turn black? And why did she even do that? Wasn't killing him enough? Or did she have a change of heart and try to spare him, not realizing he was zippered into a body bag?

Anyway, despite those few concerns, it was a pretty good story and a fun read.

My score: GOOD.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I liked it, but wished it had more horror aspects to it. Things don't have to be flat out horror to be scary but this seemed more situational than scary.

Yes, we see him getting old, and that's scary. Kind of like a Stephen King novel, for example Thinner. However, it's done in a regular, run of the mill way rather than showing the horror that the aging Prison Guard feels. It's almost as if he's just taking it lying down and occasionally poses the question, "Hey, you think maybe you could stop all this hocus pocus?"

In order to truly make this frightening, something you did well the very last scene, I'd have implored some scare tactics, or fear tactics into the audience by making them feel his getting older. Making them pain over going from a strong young man to a weak old one; it's a scary thing! Not something that should be given the light treatment.

All in all this was good, though I may have spent less time on her creating the potion and more time on the effects of the potion: the truly scarier of the two.

Shyama Kant Misra (Level 3)

Your story would have been great if you had set up a solid motive for Cass to have thought of casting the spell on Ed. Frankly, I failed to understand as to why she did it. A little more clarity was perhaps required.

The formatting was okay, except for your style of using the slugline LATER. The construction of montage scenes also warranted a little more research on your part - you could have possibly used a SERIES OF SHOTS more effectively.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is well written, but I think the premise behind it is a bit weak. The prison story is a new addition to the batch, but overall I think that Cass' background and the circumstances need to be a explored a little more fully. This would add some depth to Cass and give the piece a little more of an emotional charge. Regardless, I think you've done a good job with the script, but with a bit of tinkering it could be better. Cheers!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This moves at a fast pace. I'm thankful it wasn't bogged down with too much dialogue, however it's the pacing that also hurts this story. I'm assuming nobody else at the prison notices Ed turning old, because they don't act as if they know. It's also not clear if Ed had any responiblilty in having Cass set free. If he didn't, then Cass seems to be torturing him more for fun and revenge moreso as a way of leverage to get out. Having Cass with a lawyer behind glass shows us something is going on, but I don't know what it is. Ed growing old and occasionally asking Cass to change it back and then her ignoring him, became repetitive. What I mean by the pacing hindered the script is that I wanted to pull back on the reins and say "whoa", I need to know what's going on. Excellent scenario.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

A decent fantasy but no horror - especially since there was no suspenseful tension. There were also some plot holes: Why didn't other prisoners go after her? If Cass wasn't in solitary confinement, then she'd have at least one roommate if she was with the general population. And even if she is innocent, getting out of jail takes some time and even requires a court appearance.

Most importantly, how could Ed continue with his day-to-day job with such a transformation? I can't imagine him not rushing to a doctor or any of his fellow officers not saying anything. This lack of acknowledgment was unrealistic.

Also, avoid "MOS". Leave out the stage direction lingo.

Tidying up the loose parts of the story could make this work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 6:07 AM

Hey everyone, thanks for all the comments. I have to admit I wasn't surprised by the reactions but perhaps disappointed. Always disappointed. I'd probably be disappointed even if I "won".

I knew going into this month's contest that I'd have problems with the horror aspect. Many people thought my story wasn't horror. I can't think of many things scarier than being in prison when "innocent". I can't think of many things scarier than fast aging. And I can't think of many things more horrifying than waking up in a body bag in a freezer.

That aside, I look forward to the promised discussions about what horror is...

One thing I do agree with is I needed more pages to tell the story. THAT I will do and as soon as it's done I'll get it posted here. I'm sure it will be longer than five pages. This seems to be my downfall ... I come up with these BIG stories that need more than five pages! :)

Anyway, thanks again for all the helpful comments. I've learned a lot from this exercise and appreciate all the time everyone took to read my story!

Martin Jensen (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2009 11:13 AM

I think this is definitely horror. Stephen King used a similar device in Thinner - the main character, under a curse, grew thinner and thinner no matter what he ate. It was very disturbing, as was this.

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2009 9:55 AM

I'm guilty of the same big story problem Faith. I just wanted you to know that I really liked this one a lot. Great characterizations and very creepy. You did the right thing by focusing on what scares you the most because it really came through.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 11/2/2009 10:05 AM

Hey everyone, I learned something from my husband yesterday... (He works in a woman's prison.) The inmates ARE allowed lighters but they have to be those really tiny BIC lighters that don't hold much fluid. A match would have had to be smuggled in. Of course, he read the SP before I submitted it to MP and he didn't mention it to me then!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 11/7/2009 2:03 PM

I just uploaded a rewrite of "The Spell". It grew from five pages to nine based on all the great comments from MP readers. Love to hear your comments on the rewrite if you have time! Thanks in advance!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 11/7/2009 2:21 PM

I like this version better. I found two typos, but I can only find one now. 'was of cash'

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 11/7/2009 2:35 PM

Good find, Chris!