Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

From a technical standpoint, this was perfect. The formatting and pacing were both great. I didn't notice a single error or any other distractions so bravo for that.

The characters were well rounded, but the names were mostly very ordinary. Alan, Becky, Ray, Martin... Those are all very common names. I'm a firm believer that a memorable a character begins with their name so that is one of the very few areas of possible improvement I see here.

You did a great job of writing a visceral, easy-to-follow script while keeping a brisk, action-packed pace throughout.

The ending was a little bit too upbeat and cheery for my taste. I wasn't a huge fan of it, but overall, I enjoyed the script and think it'd make a pretty cool film.

Thre's not a whole lot of room to improvement. Character names and maybe bring the ending down a little bit, but other than those few things, I think you've got a really solid script here.

I do believe this script will be in the Top 3.

Good work and good luck.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

First of all, congratulations for finishing a whole feature length screenplay! Believe me I know what it can take out of you, especially those ones that were started from scratch for the purposes of this contest. Mine nearly finished me off!

I think it was a fantastic story concept - thinking people's death could be predicted and, on the one hand, Zoey already KNOWING, and on the other people believing prediction was possible and trying to work out how, and Jason striving to make the results fit the predictions.

However, down to business. I'm afraid that in general I found this screenplay quite a struggle. I've tried to think exactly why, after two complete readings, and these are the main points that come to mind:

1) I found Alan the protagonist difficult to engage with. I didn't feel I knew him, I didn't warm to him, didn't care that much about him, and he didn't develop either - sure, his circumstances changed - he solved his problem and hooked up with Becky. He went through a tough time BUT ended up right where he started, a model actuary, devoted son, attentive boyfriend. Since the whole story hung on him - it then became difficult to care about THAT.

2) I didn't feel that the characters had distinctive voices (with the possible exception of Jason) They all spoke in much the same way, so you could have transposed characters with speeches and it wouldn't have been noticeable.

3) I didn't feel that the TONE changed at all - all the same pace, all the same level. No humour, for example (even tragedies can have humour) No bits that really tore my heart out.There were some 'action scenes' like the car chase, for example, but, I don't know - they weren't written in a way that lit me up. It semed strange because - sure, some dramatic things happened - deaths, attempted and actual suicides, but they just didn't BITE somehow.

4) The other thing that I noticed was the repetition. For example - we see Ray at the funeral, then we have a scene where Alan talks to his dad about what we've seen, and THEN he talks to Becky about it. We KNOW the first time. It's just dull to have it over and over. Again, we see Jason on the school roof and then we have to listen to Becky telling Alan about it. Don't do it if you want to hold the attention of your reader/viewer!

5) Finally - exposition - quite a lot of detail seemed to come from discussions ABOUT things, by various doctors and a psychotherapist (or was she a psychologist?)


One particular scene stood out as being visually stunning - the ballet and the juztaposition with the hospital BUT I felt there were far too many words (the story of Giselle) and I couldn't see the relevance to the plot as a whole to spend so much time on it.


All in all, I thought this was a great IDEA but it really needed livening up in terms of character, dialogue and action scenes to make it sing forth and grab me. It COULD have done, but I'm afraid it simply didn't. Sorry.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

STORY: I think your story is very compelling. The idea that we can predict the date of our deaths is fascinating. This is a great hook and it really pulled me into your story. I really enjoyed all of the mystery and Alan's relentless hunt for answers.

However, I wish there was a bit more of a thriller element in this script. A sense of real danger. What is at risk? The second act loses a bit of steam and if you can create more tension, it will really help with the pacing.

I wish the ending felt a bit more satisfying/triumphant for Alan. The last scene in particular, the dialogue feels a bit melodramatic ("She taught us how to live.").

Still, overall, I enjoyed this story very much.

CHARACTERS: Alan is a strong active protagonist. He makes things happen and he takes charge. Ray and Jason also stand out, in their own quirky ways. I liked Becky. Beyond that, the characters didn't feel particularly memorable to me.

DIALOGUE: The dialogue was believable. At times it felt like it could have ben cut down. There is unneeded repetition and people tend to talk in full sentences - you might try letting your character interrupt each other more.

SCENES: My favorite sequence is when you cut back and forth between the ballet and the hospital. This worked flawlessly and for a moment there was a great energy and tension in the story.

Another great and memorable moment is the image of Jason "flying".

When you rely on visuals they work very well and I wish more of your scenes used them to advance the story.

CRAFT: Your craft is very good. I could picture everything and this was a fun read.

OVERALL: Good script. Increase the danger. Cut anything repetitious. Show don't tell. I think with a rewrite this could be excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

while the beginning had me in a panic that this was going to be "knowing pt. II", the ending was better...a couple of quick "style" suggestions...all the quick hits (i.e. driving in a car) really makes the read tough...we don't need to see someone actually in transit unless absolutely necessary...some of the dialog was a bit simplistic (most of it was really good)...pg. 38 - alan says "love you, mom"...to direct...better "love you" then...alan kisses her as he exits...sometimes you tend to over write...when the dialog is flowing, let it flow...don't waste the time putting in every little hand gesture or nuance...that should be left to the reader's imagination...to quote "script magazine"..."tell us who enters, who exits, and who's holding a gun..."...things like "well,..."...or "alan,..." are generally things to srike out...i did and the dialog read much more realistically...as far as the story structure itself...i would open with the funeral (that is a compelling image)...the closet opening didn't work for me...then you can end with your fight scene at zoey's grave (symmetry)...especially since it's a bit of a stretch that alan would be able to function in the condition that you left him...anyway some things to like with a little story restructuring...

___________________EXCELLENT_____GOOD_____AVERAGE_____POOR
STORY__________________________________X___________________
CHARACTERS____________________________________X____________
PREMISE____________________________X_______________________
COMMERCIAL APPEAL__________________________________X_______

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The write knows how to write actively and has the screenplay format down. As to plot, it is my opinion, that too much time is spent on Zoey’s death and not enough developing the rest of the plot and characters. Here are a few comments … hope they help.

*************

At first I jumped to the conclusion that Alan and Zoey were married. Try to make their sibling relationship clear… sooner.

Read your dialogue out loud. In some places it seems to “on the nose”. Example: “I’ll go. I know the way she drives over. And, it’s your anniversary. Call my cell if she gets here.” I’m sure the parents know it’s their anniversary so mentioning it is redundant. Consider deleting “And, it’s your anniversary.”

Also, listen to how people talk to each other. They rarely use each other’s names. Consider deleting names in some of your dialogue. Example: “Uncle Glenn, this is so...hard.” and “Alan. If you’re having a tough time, come by my office.” “Alan, to our generation that’s half
the male population.”

Not sure what this means: “(eyes the mist)” What mist?

“It was on her table when I left. It wasn’t in her car when I... (he can’t finish) And it’s not in her apartment.” Consider deleting “(he can’t finish)”. Only write what can be filmed.

Look for ways to say the same thing with less words. Example: “Alan’s desk is mired under stacks of tablets and books. Disorganized. He plods over a file.” Consider instead: “Among stacks of tablets and books, Alan plods over a file on a disorganized desk.”

“Sebastian emerges, spitting fire.” You really want him to spit fire? Special effects….????

“EXT. STREET - DAY Alan leans against an apartment building, watches that same car from the cemetery park at the curb.” The first line of description does not seem to go with the slug-line.

“The Man (RAY CRANDLE) from the funeral gets out.” Consider instead: Ray Crandle gets out of the car.

“Dr. Tasker shakes a ‘no.’” Seems redundant. Shaking a head always means no.

“The pump in the dirty fish tank sputters.’ I like how the fish tank mirrors Alan’s deterioration.

“EXT. PARK - DUSK” Slug lines should only say DAY or NIGHT. If you need “dusk” then describe it in the description.

If you can use less words, then do so. Example: “A group of men, the kid’s dads, trail the boys.” Consider: “The kid’s dads trail the boys.”

“He charges at Alan. Pissed was an hour ago. Now, he’s ballistic.” Don’t tell us what happened an hour ago. Just tell us what you want us to film, now.

One way to make your writing more “active” is to look for ways to rewrite sentences which have “is”, “are”, or words that end in “ing”. Example: “Ray is riveted by the equation on the page. He looks up,
moves his lips as he calculates to himself.” Consider instead: “Ray, riveted by the equation on the page, looks up and moves his lips as he calculates to himself.” There are opportunities like this throughout the screenplay.

Whenever you refer to a number in dialogue, write the number out. So: “I can predict stuff too. 7 in 10 smokers die before they’re 70. The Yankees will win and lose at least 30 games this season.“ becomes: “I can predict stuff too. Seven in ten smokers die before they’re seventy. The Yankees will win and lose at least thirty games this season.”

Avoid using a word twice in the same sentence. Example: “He scoops up a random journal, opens it to a random page.” Random is used two times. Consider instead: “He scoops up a journal, opens it to a random page.”

“A naked light bulb sparks to life. Exactly the same as the
one in Zoey’s closet.” Where are they? The slug line says: INT. HOUSE - NIGHT. Is it the hallway, the bathroom, the garage? Be specific so I can get a picture in my mind!

“EXT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT Martin and Dr. Tasker on the patio.” I would suggest the writer set the mood with a few words describing the location.

“Becky’s no threat to Gabby Reese but she’s got a bit of game.” Who is Gabby Reese and should we care?

“She serves an ace. Her teammates clap, some notice Alan’s
Presence.” Be careful with pronouns. From the way this is written, I do not know if “she” is Becky or Gabby.

“There’s a broken 45 somewhere near the door.” Huh? Are you talking about a broken 45 record? I have no idea what you mean here?

“He digs through the cabinets, then the trash can, finds the
empty prescription bottle.” Why is he looking for an empty prescription bottle?

“This is where we went of the tracks before.” Think you mean OFF the tracks…”

Only write what can be filmed. Example: “Alan sifts through an unattended mail pile on the counter.” The word “unattended” is not needed. Consider instead: “Alan sifts through a pile of mail on the counter.”

The description about the ballet: “It takes place in a village. This nobleman, Albrecht… so heartbroken by the news, she dies.” If it doesn’t add to the plot, I would cut it.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

This one has lots of potential and many wonderful elements but my sense is that it's not quite there yet. I like the concept -- it's unique and original -- but it needs development. Some things are unclear, like what exactly was the relationship between Jason and Ray and between Ray and Zoey. Also, with all the strange happenings, I'd like to see quirkier, snappier dialogue. Also, there are some story holes, which I'm sure you'll fix in the next go-around, like how Yvette comes back to life (the current explanation seems too simplistic), and how could Alan let Ray escape from the funeral after he saw Ray with the checkered bandanna. Also, I liked that you wrapped up all loose ends, but it seemed just a bit too pat. True, Zoey remains dead, but everyone has made peace with her death and life has gone on. The only one who truly was affected was Jason, who commits suicide, but he seemed such a shadowy character whom we really don't know except through flashbacks at the end, that I wasn't very moved by his demise.

Here are some notes I jotted down as I was reading. Hope this helps:

p. 1 - Cute banter about Frankenstein. Shows their closeness.
p. 1 - Since you give Zoey's exact age, I suggest you do the same for Alan.
p. 1 - Layout (one word).
p. 1 - Decades? They're both in their twenties.
p. 2 - You say he multi-tasks - show us what he's doing.
p. 3 - Suggest you delete MOVING from the slug (2x, and on pp. 35, 61, 73, 78, 82, 86, 92, 93, 97, and 99). If he's driving, as you say in the next line, I don't think you need to say that the car is moving.
p. 4 - if he "pulls off the road," hard to picture him "screeching to a halt."
p. 8 - ellipsis is enough. No need for (he can't finish).
p. 6 - when he recognizes his sister's bandanna, I would think he'd just tackle the guy, and not even talk to his dad.
p. 15 (and elsewhere) - email (not E-mail)
p. 16 - add "with" after "contrasts"
p. 26 - you describe Jason as fearless, but he's always running away from people.
p. 28 - why is Ray crying? Seems a bit unrealistic.
p. 29 - eyes still shaken and p. 34 - fingers spider with indecision - both of these expressions take me out of the flow of the read
p. 32 - either refer to him as Glenn or Dr. Tasker, but be consistent.
p. 34 - fills should be fill
p. 41 - awakes should be wakes
p. 43 - 6/20/89 would make him 20 when you earlier said he was in his late 20s.
p. 45 – EXT./INT. BECKY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
I would slug it this way: EXT. BECKY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
And follow it with:
Dark, silent, nothing moves.
Alan KNOCKS.
Keep your next paragraph.
Delete the following one (strikes me as a bit melodramatic)
Keep the last one.
Next slugline: I would add “- LIVING ROOM” after BECKY’S HOUSE
p. 46 - off, not of
p. 58 – I like the blending of the ballet and Ray in the hospital, but I don’t get the similarity between Ray and the woodsman. Are you trying to say that Ray was in love with Zoey? If this were true, and you developed it a bit more, it might add an extra dimension and some extra zing to the story.
p. 68 - eight-year-olds
p. 73 - slugline unnecessary: INT. MAUREEN MCKINLEY'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) - same as the previous one.
p. 74 - Can you give Becky a voicemail message that's snappier, something that reveals a side of her character?
p. 76 - river of tears - cliche.
p. 78 - how do we know he's looking for something to throw over the journals. Ok to say he looks around feverishly, but suggest you delete the rest.
p. 84 – I understand it’s generally not a good idea to reference movies in a script unless it’s extremely important or relevant.
p. 84-85 - Too talky. I think this could be accomplished in only a few lines after Castillo enters and before the scuffle. Something like the following:

Castillo
Jason Daniels?

Jason nods.

Castillo
(showing badge)
You don’t mind coming in to answer a few questions about Nathan Lightner, do you?

Jason
What, now?

Castillo
Now would do.

pp. 96, 98, 100 - END FLASHBACK should be on the left side of the page.
p. 100 - headstone (one word)
p. 106 – I wouldn’t use the double dashes. I think they're only used if the same person’s dialogue is interrupted. Just end Alan’s with a period and begin Maureen’s with a capital letter: “And?...”

Galen Westerfield (Level 2)

I liked the concept of the story and think that it is a bold direction, but can't help but feel that it aspired to do more. It doesn't play around enough with the possibility of predicting death. The main character is fascinated with the prospect but never really explores it. Ideally if death was predictable then the question of predestination and free will should show up somewhere. The algorithm is never fully established. It kind of sounds like Ray is just pulling numbers out of the air and writing an equation with them. Some kind of notion of a concrete formula and variables acquired in a scientific means needs to be present if we are to believe that someone as logically-minded as Alan would be taken in by it. I felt rather short-changed by the end, and the climax really just doesn't pay off. The obscurity around Jason and Zoey's characters is effective in fueling the story's suspense but results in the failure of their character to become fully established as characters and ultimately robs the story of verisimilitude. We don't know how either of them came in contact with Ray or why none of Alan's family-or for that matter anyone in the story-knows about Jason if he and Zoey are going out, or why Zoey doesn't tell anybody the secret that would have saved so much trouble, or why she goes to see the most untrustworthy therapist in the world who should be fired for breaking confidentiality. This narrative is rather well-written, but the underlying structure here needs some work.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Good. Nice build.
However, there's got to be a way to make the theory a bit more believable to the audience. Right now it is just so far fetched. Perhaps if you describe some of these algorithms. Maybe start with simple math that most will get and led it into difficult math that only a few will get and then into something completely made up that maybe some might fall for. That could be a way to make us want to believe.

Forgot the T in the word script a few times.
Did not believe the Dad's conversations with Alan. Would he really remember details about Alan's theory in order to ask him such questions?

I like that Alan bribed Becky with the ballet tickets. That made him seem sneaky but resourceful with a hint of a romantic side. He became more likable.

I like how we became suspicious of the uncle and his prescription meds.

I'm pretty sure Michaelangelo is one word. I do like that line.

I like the back and forth between the ballet and Ray's death.

I like how Jason's attack of the officer caught the readers off guard.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

This is a fine script.
First, you really care about your characters, and it comes through in the writing. It's also evident that you've put a lot of effort into the story.
You started with an interesting idea- simple, compelling; but the thing I like best about the script is that you trusted your idea. You didn't push it into some over-the-top or shocking direction. I'm so glad Jason wasn't a vampire and Yvette didn't turn out to be a flesh-eating zombie.
The landlord is a vivid minor character. I like the way you humanize Jason by having the landlord show him friendship.
You also have some great moments: buying the entire yard sale, the uncle forever trying to foist pills on his relatives, and especially the crosscutting between the ballet and Ray's death. Very effective.
The one problem I had was, the intensity flagged a bit in the second half of the script. A few examples:
The first scene with Doctor McKinley consists of Alan reciting what he's learned. At the end of the scene he has an important epiphany, but it takes four pages of sitting and talking to do it.
On page 74, Alan leaves a message on Becky's phone- but it's a playful message. At this point, I expected him to be concerned for her life, and desperate to warn her. It's not until page 92 that he finally tells her that the guy threatening her is Jason.
The flashbacks starting on page 95 stop the story in its tracks.
And finally, after the climax, you spend five and a half pages wrapping things up.
You did a great job of building the urgency through solid pacing in the first half; the second half (from page 70) doesn't deliver on that urgency as well as it could. There's still enough there to keep the story going, but not at full steam.
Still, very well done.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: A brother and sister family story. Alan the actuarial brother and Zoey his teacher sister. They seem to be happy putting together an anniversary present for their parents. The evening of the celebration the brother shows up at his parents house but his sister is a no-show and she has the framed anniversary gift. Alan goes looking for her and finds her dead in her car that has been driven onto the shoulder of the highway. At her funeral a creepy guy Ray hangs around observing. Alan talks to him and they split. It transpires that another guy Jason was a factor in the mystery. The whole story revolves aground the idea that it is possible using figures and statistics to accurately predict when an individual is going to die. Ray is the math guy and Jason is a visual artist. They both believe that Ray has developed a formulae for prediction the date of a person’s demise. This erroneous assumption causes all manner of problems and mysteries. These two guys are both friends of Zoey. Ray it seems is in love with her. Alan realizes that he is in love with Becky, a teacher. Sometime in the past they were a couple, but for some inexplicable reason have split up. When Ray predicts the death of one of Becky’s young students, and the eight year old boy dies. The police get involved and for a few heat beats consider Alan a suspect in the demise of the boy and later of Ray. Meantime the Ray character is going wacko. He becomes a serious menace to Becky. In the end Alan works things out. Jason commits suicide. Alan gets married. Alan; is wife; Becky, Maureen; his mother, and Martin his father all head off to Europe on a Cruise Ship. All four symbolically on the Sea of Matrimony.


Intriguing not so far fetched concept for sure.

This is a well written tale that simply captured me with your lasso of innocent words. It’s fast forward pace is refreshing and the complicated plot and story line are made clear as you unwrap your story. Most importantly you keep the mystery going right up to the moment Jason jumps off the bridge to his suicidal death.

However in my opinion from that denouement moment, the story telling seems to become mired in maudlin. The excitement of the chase is gone. We slither into the mundane lists of living. The thrill has gone.

I do have one small nit to pick. Why would anyone with only two weeks for a vacation choose to go to Europe on a Cruise Ship. Only fourteen days and about six of them on a ship what with getting aboard and docking at the other end.

Think about it or toss it out.

Overall a smoothly written and formatted script with plenty of inviting white space. It should make a compelling mystery movie.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I would have enjoyed being immersed into the mathematical equations and algorithms that played such an upfront role in this script. All I got, however, was mumbling mathematicians and doddle pads. Afterall, it ended up being useless rabble that amounted to nothing. An inventive decoy to keep us from focusing on the truth of the matter. However, in that aspect I do agree that you did a good job.

The final truth was the twist at the end, but Jason being the killer and being driven mad because of his lost love really did not surprise at all. The way he acted and the things he said had already hinted towards that far earlier. I was hoping it would twist into something else, but unfortunately did not. The ending was as expected.

The script dragged the plot point for too long. Alan was basically butting heads with everyone regarding the supposed formula for knowing ones death until the obvious was finally understood and acted upon by the rest of the characters. The realtionship with Becky and the Ballet scene were good distractions, but did not really turned out to be the subplot that it should've been.

People dying, people hiding information from loved ones and failed relationships always make good ingredients for a drama soup, but I feel this one fell flat. Too much chasing around made following the story a dizzying experience. However, I do feel that you are a good writer and the dialogue was not that bad in terms of people having their own voice and personality. You certainly possess the potential for writing a full feature film and this should be one of the many more to come. Keep at it and never give up. Cheers on a Good entry.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

What a great concept but I really really think the tone of this film is not great. I'm really confused because it starts off like a comedy. Then I think you were going for a thriller. I think if you committed to it being a comedy or a thriller. The script just kind of meanders and keeps covering the sames subject over and over and over.

You really got to focus on your concept and find creative ways of pulling off drama. Don't just focus on the pictures of his family. Even the intro of the concept was sort of weak. Your script started off great but man I did not like the expositional dialogue. I like the concept and I think you can do so many great things with it. Make sure every scene has a purpose and there is no real fluff.

The characters were defined enough. After page 10 you sort of loosened your belt. Keep it tight. You can write that's for sure but I felt. I just didn't know what genre you were going for. I thought of alot of things and I thought it was going to be a full on comedy but I see how it could be a thriller. Format is pretty good. Cut all your dialogue in half every single block that's over 4 or 5 lines. Edit with extreme prejudice or use it to make it better. You are not Akiva Goldsmith or Tony Gilroy you should not load your character with info or at least use that opportunity to substitute with action. Like I said the concept has alot of potential but it never really tied in organically to the script. Characters are defined basically as man and woman but not as unique individuals.

My suggestions build your characters from the ground up don't just tell us who people think they are have them become that in front of our eyes. Stay away from flashbacks. I don't think you need 'em but if you can't do without em then more power to ya.

Formatting is fine for most of the script but like I said I think you got a little impaitient. I just want to say that Juno for example was an oscar winning script but it didn't have brevity in the dialogue and action / description. Like I said I was onboard until pg 22 but then it really got boring for me. I think people will like this but maybe if you give us better locations and make it a bit more clear as to what you are going with from the beginning. This is good for me I just expected more and I'm sorry for being stiff lipped about that.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Your beginning is a little surreal for me - Alan listens to some man at the funeral? It was hard to buy into Alan's realization that the strange funeral man might have taken the pictures.
p11 - "Zoey was into something" - why would he say that? The guy at the funeral did not mention that Zoey used to listen to him. I think the set up is missing here.
p14,15 - I'm thinking that as a stand alone scene, it's brilliant. I like a lot Alan's conversation with Dr. TAsker. Alan taking a picture of RAy and asking the doctor "as a favour to my parents" is a nice touch.
p17 - a step above street bum" - too fast for me. Well described, but sudden and thus a bit unbelievable.
p19 - only now I see the prove that Zoey knew RAy.You hinted on it but you never said it straight.
p26 - I'm assuming Jason has a reason to run away from Alan. Will be waiting to see what the reason is.
p34 - you never mentioned that Alan's mother is sick, have you? It's just out of blue to see her this withdrawn (yes, I know she just lost her child but still)
p35 - isn't it "yester-year".
p55 - Now I'm curious if Zoey's death is on Dr. Tasker. And I'm intrigued.

Overall your second act seems to be construed around Alan trying to talk to Jason and Ray. "That" may be good - his goal was to understand the cause of Zoey's sudden death. But "that" is not very exciting. The entire second act is about him just chasing them. I'd rather read about equations, variables and probability. He did believe Ray, didn't he? Why then he doesn't give a thought to any of the calculations?

p56,57 - The romance is so much in the air. Their conversation is so natural. You did a really great job here.
p69 - I'm sure Dr. Tasker has to do with Zoey's death now.
p78 - When Becky told Alan "your number is up" how's Alan didn't think of Jason and/or didn't do anything about it right away?
p84 - It's Dr. Tasker's pills, right? I think that all of them must be his patients, including Jason and Becky. He tries to drive them crazy?
p85 - Ok, I get it now. Jason wanted to "make RAy into a prophet" But who is really behind it? Dr. TAsker, maybe?
p96- I don't get how is that Alan used to be so close with Zoey (he lost his job because of her) but didn't know anything about Jason? That's not very believable.

I'm done reading and here are my final thoughts:

I don't understand Dr. Tasker's role in it. Dr. Tasker said she was healthy. Then at the end she had a brain tumor, diagnosed by a neurologist. And then, why didn't he tell about Maureen right away? I know he forgot - somehow a bit unbelievable.
Jason - I'm not sure what he wanted, why he behaved this way... He was in love with Zoey and couldn't handle her death? But there's so little about their love affair that it's hard to believe in.
Alan - it was easy for him to find out about neurologist. He had to spend more time with his uncle. Ask him questions. Instead he decided to chase RAy, seems like he belived him for a moment and then didn't care to dig in deeper.

Overall, I was very much invested in your script up untill the moment I understood that resolution is fairly simple. I guess I'd want the end be different.

I haven't noted things that I liked about your script, mainly concentrating on negatives, so that the review is of help to you. It's a very good script and overall works for me. I enjoyed it. Thanks for the read. I'm putting Excellent for it. My favorite out of these 7...

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An entertaining cat-and-mouse story with a terrific title. Stakes are raised consistently from the beginning to the end, and there is constant conflict amongst the characters and in the situations presented.
The characters are easily distinguished from one another. Zoey's generic description as "a unique combination of beauty and innocence" is rather vague. However, her purpose in the story is clear and she differs enough from Becky's well-defined character that it works.
Alan's introduction is very good: he places the photo with "the exactness of a surgeon," has "intelligent eyes," and "years of intense concentration." This is one serious guy. The description in the next scene further cements his persona. There is a minor problem with his age. His introduction mentions he is in his "late twenties"; later on, Castillo reads a birthdate of 06/20/1989 from Alan's drivers license -- that would make Alan only 20, not in his "late twenties." Easily fixed though.
Giving Ray his journals and Jason his glass hobby, the two similar characters are possible to differentiate from each other. Likewise, they would be easy for an audience to follow. The Landlord is quirky, adding just enough humor to lighten up the plot. Uncle Dr. Tasker doesn't seemed to add anything substantial so, maybe, consider removing him altogether.
Most of the dialogue is good. The exchange between Alan and Ray about "stochastic analysis" (had to look it up) that evolves into the cigarette representing "The problem is the variables" was excellent. Alan's comments to Becky about the "10 minutes rule" adds some levity. Really like the banter between Alan and Jason on the bridge. It's unique, each character pushing forth their agendas. Best of all, it moves the scene to a logical conclusion when Jason jumps. And, the discussion between Alan and Maureen McKinley at the end serves as a good summation.
Description is well done. The evolution of the aquarium from bubbling "gaily" to storage for Alan's office supplies is a good instrument to mimic Alan's similar disintegration. Not sure that "Himself's Tavern" is the best name choice, but the description of Jason's glass mosaic inside as "A pearl in a cruddy oyster" is terrific. Also like, later on, Jason's pacing resembling "a displaced pack animal." Paints an exact picture.
Using assorted exact dates throughout may not be wise; has a tendency to date the writing and interrupts the flow of the read. Zoey's "time" is referred to more generally. Becky's 05.22.09 date is a bit distracting; impossible to ignore that May is four months ago.
A nice variety of interesting locations and scenes. The Flashbacks need some reworking. The second one especially, "RESUMING THE SAME FLASHBACK," comes across as awkward. Zoey's repeated line to Jason probably isn't needed. Perhaps, combine the Flashbacks into one scene.
Overall, this screenplay is enjoyable. Your diligence and hard work is evident. Congratulations on finishing it.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I found a total of seven things I'd suggest you change or rethink. That's it...

On page 2 - "She holds a look on him. After her mental snapshot, she smiles." I stumbled on the mental image and the wording here. It's probably just me, but I'm mentioning it anyway.

On page 4 - A grey, misty day matches the somber faces and dark clothes of people." I think I'd start with "A crowd of mourners." then go to the grey day and somber faces. You could leave off the dark clothes that way and end the line on their "somber faces."

On page 5 - "The Man (RAY CRANDLE) from the funeral gets out." Introduce Ray as RAY from the get go, and simply say "Ray Crandle gets out" here.

On page 25 - In the middle - Did you mean a large heavy bag or a brand name Hefty bag? Use a cap on brand names.

On page 38 - "...numerous crumbled balls..." A cookie crumbles. Old cement crumbles. Paper gets crumpled into balls.

Also - "There's a broken 45 somewhere..." When I first read this I thought you meant a 45. caliber gun. Then I thought you meant an old 45rpm record. Now I'm just a confused old lady wondering if there's another "45" I don't know about...

On page 56 - Another confusing moment happened when I read that Alan slips on a suit. Ouch! I'm not saying your wording is wrong here, but you might want to give this another look.

On page 101 - "Jason's swerves into heavy traffic." Two things going on here - The apostrophe 's' on Jason is obvious but no big deal. A minor typo. The wording makes me think that he's in a car, though. I wasn't sure until I read a bit further into the action.

That's it. One typo and some suggestions for wording changes. Your writing style is consistent and easy to read. I was totally into the story. I cared about your characters. I perpetually wanted to know what comes next. The dialogue was distinct for each character. They spoke naturally.

By the way, I often tell people that I don't care for similes. I have to tell you that I didn't notice yours until I looked the script over a second time. For any other MPers out there reading this - people I've said "don't do that" to - this is an excellent example of when they work.

I think we have a winner here, and I think it's for First Place.

Truly excellent work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I don't think someone in their late twenties would say "call my cell", rather just "call me" (page 3).

Michelangelo is one name (Landlord, page 82). I assume it's not a deliberate mistake, because you wouldn't be able to tell when it was spoken.

"Jason’s swerves" on page 101 should be "Jason swerves" or "Jason's car swerves". It's not very clear in this line if he's driving, but it's said later on he's in a car.

You have perfected a great Final Destination/conspiracy theorist tone. I also really like the hopelessness of the situation. There seems to be no way that Alan can 'win' after he starts to believe Ray.

I liked the sequence intercut between Becky and Alan at the ballet and Ray in the hospital.

"literally fighting over Zoey"
I liked this subtext to the whole thing, how Alan appears jealous of other people's relationships with his sister. That was very well done, added a whole other aspect to Alan's actions.

Calculating people's deaths like Ray does is impossible, because as Dr. Tasker pointed out, even if you knew everyone in the world and their histories and could guess at their actions, that still wouldn't cover something like Zoey's aneurysm.

So throughout the whole script I was waiting for a mystical or supernatural explanation as to how it would be possible. As a result, the reveal that Jason was fulfilling Ray's prophesies wasn't that surprising, but I still really liked the push into a realistic realm, it made it a lot more exciting.

The climax came together really well. The dénouement was a bit clichéd and sickly-sweet for my tastes, but I guess we have to know that it turns out well for the characters.

The conversation with Maureen reminded me of the (awful) final scene of Psycho. I felt like it was unnecessary, as it's not really important if Maureen knows the full story. She's only a secondary character.

Very good overall.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Your structure and form are done quite well. I read it twice and really did not notice any glaring errors in grammar, spelling, etc.

I like the fact that you do not use a lot of foul language. Too many writers use it as a crutch to make otherwise bland dialogue, edgy. Good job.

Many of your descriptions are wonderful, almost poetic, but I think it could be trimmed down considerably. I tend to gravitate more to description of visual elements critical to the look and feel of the film as well as propelling the story, and shy away from many lengthy paragraphs describing action.

Now the story was not what I was hoping for. I really thought you would take me into a world where the numbers DID mean something. A world where Alan would have to overcome a desire to use this knowledge for self-gain and of course, would be pursued by baddies who want to use it for evil. Instead of having Alan be the hunter, make him the hunted. Formulaic? Yes, but this is a much more commercial (I know artists hate to hear that word) idea.

So, sorry to say, I found the overall story a bit bland, and the ending was a let down. But I think the premise is very exciting and you should definitely build upon it.

Best regards.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I think you did a fairly good job with this. I have no complaints at all about the writing as it was pretty clean.

However, while I thought the log line was intriguing I can't really say the same for the story itself.

First off, I found the main character, Alan, to be a bit cardboard. Okay, he's an accountant but I had lots of trouble seeing him as a real person. That made the begining of the script a bit hard to get through. Things got a bit less stiff as the script went on but I found it a bit difficult to care about Alan as the hero - he just wasn't likeable enough.

But by the time things loosened up we were well into the story. From the log line I thought that I would somehow find the formula for calculating the person's expiration date to be believable but it just never happened - I continued to be skeptical - and I started to lose interest. Maybe if somehow you had convinced me it was real or if I wasn't so skeptical about it things would have been different. But once you lost me, you lost me.

I was pleased to find out later that the formula was bogus but the damage had already been done. You did have some good suspense in there. I thought the scene when Alan was getting the journal from Ray's apartment was particularly well done.

Overall, it wasn't bad but I think you need to up the believability factor a bit more, somehow.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

STRUCTURE/FORMATTING/GRAMMAR: Your structure is put together fairly well. We get Alan in his ordinary life before he is thrust into the action mystery. I cant exactly pinpoint the break into ACTII (either appearance of Ray or learning of Becky's possible death) but there is definitely a tangible change that thrusts the plot forward. There is also a bit of confusion on when we jump into ACTIII. The story gets a little muddled toward the end so, again, I couldn't pinpoint this exactly. However, I don't think it it really compromises your story at all but I know that industry readers look for these breaks so I thought I'd mention it.
FORMATTING: All of your formatting was in perfect order. Excellent job.
GRAMMAR: Your grammar/spelling was outstanding as well. I'll discuss some of this later but you really did a tremendous job with your descriptive writing skills.

PREMISE: The story is very intriguing and the underlying mystery really fuels the action well. The plot/idea has been explored before but I think you put a very good spin on it and the decision to keep it very personal and focused solely on very few characters is a great asset. Your story delivers on what you've stated in the logline but there are almost two plots working here. You could just have easily presented this as " When an insurance actuary discovers there may be a formula for calculating a person's expiration date, he must race against time to solve the mystery of his sister's death before those closest to him suffer the same fate." I think your logline is better but there seems to be a fine line about whether this is more about Becky or Zoey. Again, I don't feel this hurts the script at all but for marketing purposes, I just thought I should mention it.

CHARACTERS/DIALOGUE: Extremely well done. All of your characters have a definite place in the story and all add something to the script. Everyone plays their role to perfection and stay true to their character throughout. The dialogue is incredible too. You do such a wonderful job of keeping the conversations light and interesting. There are no wasted lines and everything is done with purpose. The dialogue is very fun as well. Each person has a unique voice that really adds to their character and you are so witty with letting the people share their thoughts without ever saying exactly what is on their mind. Really good work. (i.e. - pg 68 "Yardsale on Saturday?" "If it doesn't rain.")

OTHER THOUGHTS: First, let me congratulate you on the script. You are well on your way to great things. Your descriptive and economical use of the language is wonderful and far beyond what you expect from an amateur. When I read your script, I feel like I am reading a professionally written, produced screenplay. Things like "pearl in a cruddy oyester" "squeak of sneakers, volleys" "picks at the steering wheel". These are just a few examples as your script is littered with amazing description throughout. Stylistic writing like this is a very difficult thing for many screenwriters and you have mastered the technique. Kudos.
You also do a wonderful job of using visual clues to build character. Simple things like showing 'awards on clean Alan's desk. Such a simple thing but it tells me this guy is a smart, hard-working guy who pays attention to detail. Also, the tactic of using the fishtank to help present his deterioration is outstanding.
The one area where I believe the screenplay could use some work is in the final act. There is so much mystery built up and I really had a lot invested in the characters but things became slightly confusing and all of your sharp wit and storytelling precision got a little muddled as we approached the end. (On pg71 Alan "He's (Ray) wrong a lot":I felt Ray was pretty accurate with things so this seemed like a strange statement.)(Jason's character sort of changed toward the end too. He seemed like a smart but reserve and thoughtful kind of guy but as we approached the climax he became more like just an idiot. (i.e. pg 75 conversation with the Landlord. Just didn't seem like the Jason I had envisioned throughout.)(When Jason chases Alan/Becky and rams their car, Becky takes off running and Alan is still in the car. Next scene Alan shows up at the Taskers. Just seems like the car ramming sequence felt incomplete. And why were the cops at the Taskers instead of out hunting Jason?)(The whole flashback scenes with Jason at Alan's apartment were a bit confusing as well. Why did he go there and put on Alan's sport coat? Then when Becky sees Jason's car at the house she leaves and is never seen again until the final scenes. Seemed odd how she disappeared from the action.)(I also wonder why Jason abruptly gave up trying to kill Becky and instead went to Zoey's gravesite. Jason trying to kill Becky was the main conflict of the story and he abandons it in the end.)
I know this is a lot of stuff but I really got lost down the stretch. Everything was so built up perfectly and this climax sort of let me down.
Another minor thing: (I believe Ray pointed out Natahan in the college picture of Zoey/Becky but why was Nathan there, I thought he was just a kid.)

I hate to end on those negative aspects but I think things got a bit out of sorts there towards the finale. This certainly doesn't kill the script at all and given your skills, I'm sure you will revise as necessary. Your script was still amazing.
I give you a rousing excellent score. You should be very proud of this screenplay and I wish you the best going forward.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Well, it's hard to properly review this script. See that as a compliment. There isn't much I could add to this. It's well formatted, well written and it has excellent structuring. And an ending that wraps a lot up and feels satisfying. The only tip I can give you is to perhaps fill the script with a bit more tension. There's plenty happening, but only at the true end does this Jason feel scary or threatening. May help to define it's genre more. It currently falls a bit between thriller and drama.

I do feel you leave the whole 'formula' thing a bit blank. I never have the feeling they are close to discovering life's end or how they accomplish this. It doesn't feel realistic because it's not explained in filmterms. I'm not saying it can't be done, just explain to us how they did it. Now we only know that Ray was close because people say he was. I don't have any feeling (from the script) that this formula can really predict the deaths of people, I only kow because the characters say it does. For instance: Take Knowing, which deals with a similar subject although in a greatly different direction. It's about prediction as well. But here they visualize the prediction by letting Nico Cage really scribble on it, the numbers add up to what he's saying, even if it's far fetched. Show us some of that 'techno-babble' and make it sound realistic. Make us believe that he's close in actions, not just in people telling about it. This also spills over to the Ray-Jason argument. Because I never have a feeling that Ray was close (only insane), it's hard to see why he would have such an impact on Jason.

I also felt the final action sequence (of Jason's death) was a bit weak. For a thriller and what you build up, it's alright, but I think it could be far more powerful. Let them fight in that glass gallery, smash over some glass. Let the Tombstone of glass impale Jason, something like that. Ironic.

There are also some issues between Alan and Becky. They don't feel that connected, there's little chemistry. All it is, is just words again, I hardly feel they are having a good time together. The leap to marriage is a bit strange in my opinion.

But this is all nitpicking, making the great even better. It's already filmable, I just feel it could be polished slightly. Perhaps it's personal taste, but I think the overall product would benefit from more chemistry scenes between Alan and Becky, and more Thriller-esque features. Let us see that Nathan Lightner crash. Please. That's a moment and it's tucked away in the story.Perhaps a few more visual clues on what's happening, milk expiration dates, exetera. Perhaps even let Alan explain the Formula's mechanic in termns of milk expiration, how that's calculated. Just thoughts and tips.

Anyways, good job on this. Thoroughly enjoyed it and you've got a fine piece of work here.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I am writing the same preamble for all seven reviews. Since almost every entry is a MoviePoet regular, I feel as if I’m doing this for a friend. In a lot of ways all seven entries are already winners. Congratulations on completing a feature, a hell of an accomplishment in a mere nine months, while at the same time writing shorts, reviewing, and living the rest of your life. Now you’ll receive what I would imagine to be a minimum of twenty reviews and it didn’t cost you a nickel (or a pound)!

I only read about half the Loglines and was unable to read any of the 10 Pagers, so these stories are all completely new to me. I’m going to just go in chronological order, list my specific notes by page number, then sum it up in the end and tell you my score. Let’s start!

Title: Very generic, doesn't give me a sense of story or genre.

Logline: I remember this one from the logline challenge, so it's obviously a memorable storyline. You've provided our protagonist, the conflict, the stakes, etc. Not quite sure if the story takes on a supernatural component because I'm thinking this isn't any ordinary formula. We'll see!

Opening Image: It's a short sweet scene with Alan and Zoey, but if Alan's our protagonist, I might introduce us to him first before Zoey (even though she dies shortly after).

Protagonist: We're introduced to Alan right on Page 1, good job with that. Otherwise, refer to my above comments.

Page 4: Zoey dies here, but it's not apparent how. I think you have to clue us in soon after how a 26 year-old woman just died. We finally find out on Page 11, but again, I think we need to know a little sooner.

Genre: By Page 10, I'm still not 100% sure if there's a strong supernatural or fantasy element. Yes, the Man (Ray Crandle) acts weird with these numbers and charts, but otherwise, I'm sensing drama.

Catalyst: Ray tells Alan on Page 27 that Becky is going to die within a month, which by your logline, is the central conflict of your story. I think this has to happen sooner, prior to Page 20. Also, I will comment later about the Becky character.

Page 58: Becky's dialogue should be voice-over, not off-screen.

Title (After reading feature): It's obviously fit for your story, but it's vague. I might think of something a little more specific to your story.

Logline (After reading feature): Your logline offers more mysticism than what is actually delivered upon and I think you need to incorporate Jason somehow into the logline. He's such an integral part of the story and there's no mention of him at all. I suppose you kept the logline as vague as possible so not to divulge your story's plot-points, but a little more specifics wouldn't hurt, I feel.

Summary: This is a very produce-able screenplay which would be very low budget, with essentially just a relatively small cast. There's no special effects or exotic locales, and I really can't see any hurdles from making this into an independent film.

It's an original story with a universal theme and sympathetic characters.

It's funny, I like this sort of genre, and I'm not generally the biggest fan of fantasy or supernatural themed stories, but parts of me wish in the end that there was more of a supernatural reasoning behind calculating a person's expiration date. Or that some scientific algorithm could determine this as well. How spooky would that be?

Becky: It seems that she purposely plays a small role until the start of the second act, but I think she should be incorporated much earlier in the script and play this significant role throughout. Also, maybe have her and Alan be married and having marital problems, instead of boyfriend/girlfriend.

Why not more scenes earlier on of Zoey and Alan? We only get that short opening scene, and then just hear a lot about her. I won't advocate more flashbacks, you already have a couple thrown in, and I think that's enough.

It's probably my own short-comings, but I did feel lost in spots, and in the end I think I understand all that went down and how, but I'm not entirely sure. This might just be difficult on paper and would translate well onto the screen.

Some of the police procedure felt too easy, especially when Castillo tracks down Jason with nothing but his name and Daniels being a very common surname.

Your screenwriting is tight. Some of your descriptions can be curtailed a bit (i.e.- Gabby Reese), but otherwise this made for a fairly fast, fluid read.

There are a lot of conversations, or "talking heads" parts throughout. There are visuals to move the plot along, but maybe break up some of the dialogue between characters, especially in scenes with more than two characters speaking.

Again, I would market this to independent film-makers or production companies looking to produce a film on a small budget. Congratulations again on making it to the top ten, which is quite an accomplishment.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a very fast-paced, hang-on-for-the-ride thriller, I'll give you that. It pulled me along. You're juggling a large cast of characters, each with his or her unique voice, nobody paper-thin or caricatured. It's a difficult job to round them all up and keep them straight, and you've done it well. (I think I like the landlord the best. "Any cars been by tonight?" "Ice cream truck. That count?")

I'm also somewhat glad that it does turn out to be a hoax. I found the very idea to be beyond belief (I may have mentioned before) but you did as good a job as you could making me believe it within the context of your world. I can see how Alan gets drawn in, although once or twice it seemed like he was doing the calculations and coming up with answers (Becky's death - I think he's just going through Ray's notes). I wish it had been a little more nefarious than just wishful thinking gone awry. If Ray or Jason had been AFTER something, conning Alan, then the stakes would be higher, and the scenario might have been more believable.

I have a tendency to write dialogue the way you do, which means I had a tendency to like your dialogue. I like it subtlety, that you don't need to spell out every detail, that character talk around uncomfortable facts. I think I can see now why it can get a little infuriating at times: being too vague ("He can do this?" "He's like you?") rather than driving the specific point home for the audience can leave you feeling like you're not quite getting it. It's never on-the-nose, though. It stops to explain nothing, and demands that you keep up with it. I respects its audience.

All right, here's my feelings on the math, which pervades much of the script. Take it or leave it from a math geek, ex-high school math teacher with not much grad-level mathematics behind him. (You're an actuary in real life, for all I know, and know this stuff backwards and forwards.) I think most people know what an actuary is, at least how to read it. Maybe they're fuzzy on the details. Most high school grads should know what a variable is - no need to explain. However, I've never heard of "twisting" a variable. If that's supposed to be a mathematical term, you've lost me. Ultimately, the math dialogue reads like technobabble: it doesn't seem right to someone with a nodding acquaintence, and it's not very illuminating to someone who is math illiterate. You need to give concrete, real world example of what curve fitting and regression are (terms that don't come up in your screenplay) fitting data points to curves which predict. Have Alan make a VISUAL analogy. Scattered drops of paint along a floor indicate the direction of the painter. Many thrown darts indicate the center of the target. I'm pulling these awful ideas out of the air right now, but you can come up with something to explain the math to the audience.

My next big problem was Alan. Simply put, I just didn't like the guy. His problem is obsessive behavior, I understand. But there's nothing smart about his behavior. He runs down obstacles rather than circumventing them. He interrogates his catatonic mother. He hits strangers. He alienates family members. He demands and expects illegal favors from hospital staff. He can't find three minutes to shave. He's impenetrable, and therefore, not someone I can empathize with. He just seems like a bit of a jerk. He doesn't change, he just moves.

The best Alan scene, by far, was when he gives up and decides to treat Becky as if she's going to die tomorrow. That whole scene was very moving, and completely accepted, in a way the rest of the script doesn't, the reality of a person about to die. There's not much transition from obsessed Alan to fatalistic Alan, so it was a little jarring. Still, it's a heart of gold in the middle of your movie.

In contrast to Alan, I found Becky extremely likeable, and when she shows up on page 35 it's like a breath of fresh air. Her dialogue is always good and provides Alan a balance to keep him from floating away into total paranoia.

Jason and Ray are sort of mysteries. I like them as characters, but I never really understand their motivations. I understand broadly what drives them, but I don't understand why Jason is yelling "Where are you?" even after the email is revealed. I don't understand why Ray doesn't just tell Alan everything. I don't understand Jason's seeming math genius. Or is it all fake? I don't know if Jason's faith has been shaken at the end or not when he leaps from the bridge. These guys are pretty enigmatic, especially since, in the end, they delude themselves.

The jumps from scene to scene eventually got pretty dramatic, and a bit choppy for me. I had to keep going back to make sure I understood where I was. Alan moves around quite a bit, from house to Ray's place to Jason's place, always covering what seemed like the same ground. The last chase sequences were very short and jumpy. There are also some scenes which are played in parallel to the main action which don't jive - the cops solving the mystery in the middle of the big chase, Ray's death set against the backdrop of the ballet (though that one might have worked better if there was no dialogue). Also, when Martin began his own investigation, completely disconnected from Alan, I felt like you were duplicating your efforts. The best transitions had logic behind them, like Alan's realization of Becky's death date, to the homework date posted on the blackboard.

You didn't change much in the first ten pages that I could see, so my original comments stand. I can't remember if Zoey's body was onscreen in the previous draft, but it works. I didn't like may of the character intros: "innocence and beauty" "youthful features crusted by..." They come across as flowery against your usually terse noir descriptions. (Which are usually very good.)

I leveled a lot of criticism here, but still, this was a pretty good go for a premise I didn't think would work at all. I think it CAN work, and you've got several good elements, including the scene where Alan truly believes all is lost, and the fact that it's not real. The first really fantastic moment is when you really define and foreshadow the reality of the world for us visually: when Ray predicts the life of the cigarette, and Alan immediately snuffs it out. You can predict things, but you can change them, too. The whole movie hangs on that philosophy, and it's a good one. Take what works, and run with it.

Good luck with the script, and in the contest.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I review feature scripts by putting down notes as I go through. In some cases my notes turn out to be wrong but generally I’ll leave them in there so that you can see what I was thinking.

Please take or leave any of my comments. I realize that many of these things are style choices and that there are no real “right” answers.

Pg 2 – The first scene has a nice introduction element to it, but it also seems a bit aimless for me.

Pg 4 – You got this moving along now.

Pg 9 – This last scene is close to being a reprisal of the stuff that has happened earlier. It is difficult to make it fresh when the audience has already seen it.

So far this has set up its mystery well. I wonder if it is a bit dialogue heavy.

Pg 13 – I guess he needs to get a start somewhere but I was expecting Alan to be the one who discovers the calculation method.

Pg 17 – At the moment Ray’s story seems like it would be more interesting than Alan’s.

There was good drama set up in seeing what would happen to Nathan, but the scene cuts out before anything happens.

Pg 30 – I lost track of what they are talking about on this page.

At this point the concept is interesting, although at the moment I’m not seeing where you are going with it. Alan is investigating it all, but to what purpose? What is at stake?

Pg 39 – It feels like they are having the same argument they had earlier.

Pg 55 – At this point the story is still twisting its way along, although not moving forward much. By way of a speculative guess I’m thinking that it’ll turn out the deaths are a murder conspiracy of some kind and that the forecasting is not real.

Jason being seen and getting away is a bit repetitive.

Pg 61 – The whole opera sequence is a good dramatic visual idea. However Alan is passive and uninvolved through much of it.

Pg 68 – I’ll admit I’m struggling with this. Stuff keeps happening but I’m not getting a sense of what is at stake and why it all matters.

Pg 74 – Some good urgency.

Pg 87 – Why doesn’t he say to her “That psycho guy gonna kill you tomorrow!”?

I like the uncertainty over whether the Jason is killing people or if they are actually dying however it seems obvious that the first of these will turn out to be true.

Pg 93 – You’ve got some good exciting stuff going on. The police station scene feels a bit like exposition.

Pg 103 – The finale confrontation is dramatic. What happened to Becky? For some reason I thought she was missing, but she doesn’t appear in these end sequences.

Pg 104 – He “resumes work” sounds like a down ending to me!

Pg 108 – The wrap up touches on several themes and pulls everything together.


Overall this has really strong idea to work with, but one that it is difficult to translate into a dynamic story. The characters go through dramatic transitions.

Your writing style is clean and well presented, although at times this felt like a heavy read.

For me the story was lacking in direction for much of the way through. I was not clear what was at stake and what the issues to be resolved were. I’d suggest setting up the race against time element of Becky’s death earlier and having the duration until it happens be shorter so that there is real urgency about figuring the whole thing out.

Good luck with it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

First I like the title, it's intriguing and strong. I thought your opener was very strong also. I am already invested in the movie. I loved the scene at the funeral. Made me sit on the edge of my seat.. Who is this guy and what does he want? I'm totally into this story and we're only a few pages in.

I like how Alan starts to unravel, easily shown by the fish tank and the chaos on his desk.

I like Alan, he's a very strong likable character.

Meeting Ray is a very interesting experience, I want to know what makes this guy tick, right from the get go. Now he introduces a journal with lots of dates, is he crazy? Very intriguing turn of events.

When Nathan dies, wow, that ratcheded everything up a notch!!! I'm invested now, I want to know who Ray is, did he murder Zoey? You're raising the stakes here in a really strong way.

Page 32 Slugline Trasker house, backyard later, you need to let us know that Alan is there with Martin, in the action line under this slug.

I like the relationship between Alan and Martin, Martin is a solid supporting character. I like him. I think we could see more of Yvette, instead of the characters asking how she's doing, maybe we can see her doing something that makes us feel sympathy for her.

Page 35. I notice you use a lot of actions in parenthicals. I know it is done, but I think it looks better as an action line.

Page 38.. ahh good, now you have shown me more of Yvette. I like that scene. It speaks a lot about Alan, and shows me just how much Yvette is struggling.

You are raising the stakes again with the revelation that Ray knows Alan's time. Nicely done. Now I want to know. You're throwing a lot of 'stones' at Alan. Good!!

Action line at the bottom of page 49 is a little confusing. I know what you are saying, but maybe you can write it a little more clearly?

SIDE NOTE. I am very impressed with this writer. I love the style. The visuals are really strong, and the characters are all distinguisble, with their own quirks and problems, easy to differentiate between who is who.

When Jason calls out to Becky from the roof, that is really creepy!!! I wonder if you could find a way to get her phone out of order without her conveniently dropping it in this scene. It seems too contrived. What if Jason had it in his hand, as she reaches for it?

I love the line 'expression goes from charmed to alarmed'.

you have some great lines here.. 'Sunlights about to call it a day'. really good.

I like your story a lot, you've got some really wonderful characters here, that any actor and actress would be champing at the bit to play. Jason's a great character, I love the image of him on the edge of the building, ten stories high.

I like that it ends happily, but I think there should be less at the end. Maybe just s how them on the cruise, telling about it, seems too contrived, like you wanted to tie up every loose end. It's okay, but it seems like it should wrap up quickly. The scene with Maureen and Alan takes too long imho.. and just basically says what we already know.

Wonderful script, I think it's super strong and I think it would make an awesome movie!

Well done!!!

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

I rate the features on the following criteria.

1. Story - This is an interesting commentary on how people respond to knowing the end is coming vs. not knowing and also the incredible need we have to find answers when there aren't any. But, for the most part, the story was confusing for most of the screenplay. I really had to stick it out until the final few pages to have it all come together and there wasn't much to keep me enthralled until then. If it was a DVD, I would have shut it off before the end. This is more of an action movie but until the end it isn't really clear what the stakes are, it's just Alan running around chasing Jason even though he's not entirely sure why. You do kind of make up for that with your final chase scenes. However, it struck me at the end that you just needed to end it and so you did. Your ending didn't seem to fit well with everything leading up to it, IMHO. Also, what's with the garage sale? You make a big deal out of it, even having him buying stuff to sell and sneaking it home and then you do nothing with it. If you are going to have something like that, you need to complete it.
2. Characters - For the most part very well-defined. I thought the cops were cliche but the others held their own well. It struck me as odd that Maureen opened up to Alan and vice versa as quickly as they did. Why did he trust her? Why did she violate patient confidentiality so quickly? Also, Yvette is an also-ran character. Her story line pops up late and doesn't add anything.
3. Specific Scenes - none really jumped out at me as exceptionally awesome or awful.
4. Dialogue - Your dialog tends to be quite on the nose. It also blends from one character to another. Your dialog regarding Alan's questioning with the cops strikes me as too cliche and doesn't really flow very well, IMHO.
5. Craft - For the most part, I think you have good craft. Your formatting is excellent, your pacing is good. Your structure is not as well defined as it could be but it's not awful either. You do a very good job of showing Alan's deteriorating mental state with the state of his office and fish tank.

One thing that didn't make sense to me is that he's only 20 and already an established actuary. I thought that took training at a minimum and usually a college degree. Is he some sort of prodigy that jumped ahead? Otherwise how did he get to this position at only 20, or is his DOB on his ID a typo?

Finally, it seems like Alan is just reacting to the things happening to him instead of being proactive. It's okay for him to be so reactive at first but eventually, he should be the person causing the change and he really doesn't do that very much.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

First of all, congratulations on completing a feature length script, something that I've never been able to do. A great achievement. Best of luck with it!

Now, some comments:

IDEA: Terrific idea -- a weird man finds a way to exactly predict people's deaths...now what do you do with it. Then, turn it into a thriller with a built-in "ticking clock"! Great idea.

TITLE / LOGLINE: Neither the title nor the logline do much to spark interest in the screenplay. The title doesn't tell us anything at all -- it could be about a magazine subscription. And the logline -- well, as soon as you start talking about an insurance actuary....z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z.

STORY / STRUCTURE: The basic story structure is good. The inciting incident is Zoey's death (combined with Ray's appearance at the graveside ceremony). Act 1 sets up the story. The first plot point is on Page 27, when Alan finds out Becky is next. Act 2 is Alan's quest for some answers. The second plot point is a little early -- Page 73 -- when Alan realizes that Jason is going to try and make Ray's prediction come true vis-a-vis Becky. Now it's a race to the finish.

So, the structure itself is sound (although Act 3 is a little long), but unfortunately the story built on the structure is slow, slow, slow. It was a very difficult read (at least for me). I think there are a few reasons for that. First, you waste too much time talking about meaningless details. There are entire scenes that could be deleted. Second, the story sort of gets buried in the words. Third, there are problems with the dialogue (see below).

Okay, what do I mean by too much time on meaningless details? Here are some examples: Page 14, Dr. Tasker and Alan's discussion about the code of ethics. In real life it may be an issue, but we don't need to go over it in a movie. Get on with the story.

Page 31, why all the stuff with the telescope? It goes nowhere. Then Dr. Tasker just disappears from the scene. Skip it -- on with the story.

Page 57, skip the synopsis of "Swan Lake." It doesn't matter. And then we get it all again over the next few pages intercut with Ray's death scene. Skip it! On with the story.

In the beginning of the story, there's just too much of Alan/Sebastian and the Crawford files. Okay, he's obsessed with the weird circumstances of his sister's death and his work performance suffers as a result. We get it. On with the story.

And speaking of that, it seems like Alan gets obsessed a little too easily. He sees Ray at the funeral, and because he's wearing shades and a bandana, Alan gets suspicious, and the obsessive hunt for Ray, then the collage, then Jason begins. It seemed to me like that came out of nowhere. And, throughout the script, too much time was spent on the bandana.

These are just a few examples of time wasted on meaningless details. There are a lot of examples throughout, and they really slow down the story.

Second, the problem of the story getting buried in the words. Some examples:

Page 2, "The pump bubbles gaily." Yeesh.

Page 25, "His youthful features crusted by life's perpetual harrasments." What? Y'mean he looks older than he really is?

Same page, "The pounding forces of conflicting emotions swell behind Alan's eyes." First of all, how do we know what's happening BEHIND Alan's eyes? But the real problem with that statement is that it's a lot more words than it needs to be -- it's confusing and it slows things down.

Page 28, "Tears drain from Ray's unflinching face." Y'mean, he cries?

Same page, "You twist your variables every time." What does that mean? It's just gobbledy gook -- it slows us down.

Page 81, "Alan eyes the numbered rooms. They stop at 22." So what? That's totally extraneous information. A couple sentences earlier you told us "The landlord dangles a key. Walks Alan to an apartment door."

Another story problem: the whole premise (Ray's code) is confusing. Of course, we eventually find out that it's confusing because Ray's a kook and the "code" is bogus. But for Act 1 and most of Act 2, we should believe that this guy is onto something, and Alan should believe it, too. In order for us to believe it, we need a little more info -- early on, we should be finding out (along with Alan) a few little details of the code that make us think maybe this is real. Without those details, we just scratch our heads and think, "This is crazy. You can't predict people's random deaths." Just give us a little something to make us think that MAYBE this could be true. What a great story hook that would be!

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Most of the characters are fine. You went a little overboard revealing Alan's obsessive nature (and he was a little too obsessive), but other than that he was a good protagonist. Who was the antagonist? Turns out it was Jason, but he entered the picture a little too late. Other than that, he was a good character. Too many doctor figures. Too much time spent on doctor "ethics" issues (which they end up ignoring anyway). Too many cops (pick one or the other -- Castillo or Sanders -- for your featured cop). Becky's character was fine, but she sort of flits in and out of the story a lot. But it was a good idea to give Alan a love interest and to put her in jeopardy. The catatonic (almost) mother was a bit over the edge with very little pay-off. Sounds like a lot of criticism, but actually the characters and character development are both pretty good.

DIALOGUE: A lot of the dialogue is way on the nose. For example, on Page 9, "an overly inquisitive, obsessive guy like you." Hello. That's almost the definition of "on-the-nose" dialogue. It's like she turned to the camera and said, "Just so you know, Alan is overly inquisitive and obsessive."

And, speaking of the definition of "on-the-nose" dialogue, how about Page 34: "Let's see, Becky, school teacher, ballet fan, now volleyball spiker. You're a real renaissance woman." All we need to know about Becky.

More importantly, the dialogue doesn't move the story along. It just causes it to swirl around and around. For example, the conversation on Page 13. Alan has just learned that Ray maybe has a formula that predicted Zoey's death. And he becomes confrontational. "You better start making sense or you're gonna wish that you were doped up", and, "You got any answers, answer man?" What's that all about? Why the confrontation? Wouldn't Alan be anxious to hear what this guy has to say?

Throughout the story, people are constantly giving "snarky" answers to questions, rather than really answering them and making things clear. For example, on Page 23, why does Ray say, "I had his number," instead of really answering the question. Isn't he trying to convince Alan that his code is real? And why doesn't Alan say something like, "What the hell does THAT mean?"

Another (minor) dialogue problem. A character talking to himself is a bad way to reveal information, but it's done sometimes. Having a character talk to himself to reveal information that's not even important is just a bad idea. On Page 64, Alan mumbles to himself, actually explaining some stuff to us -- but it's stuff that doesn't need explaining. Just eliminate it. It's awkward.


SCREENWRITING CRAFT: Your script formatting is outstanding. Flawless.

OVERALL: I enjoyed the screenplay a lot. My recommendations would be: 1) scour your screenplay and eliminate everything that doesn't move the story along. 2) Make Ray's "code" thing a little more believable and interesting. It could be a great story "hook". 3) Less dialogue, and clean up the "on-the-nose" dialogue.

My score: GOOD.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Wow!

Totally blown away.

Your descriptions are tight and have style. Your dialogue seems very real. Your characters voices are all different. The suspense is handled very well. The concept is excellent (although a smidgen reminiscent of "23") and the thing just flows.

I predict this will be sold quickly and on the screen soon. No kidding... I think this is that good.

I rate this: Excellent!

Now, having heaped so much praise, I have to list out a few things I think need a little work. Surprisingly little, but there are a few things. In no particular order...

Alan's boss, Sebastian, is too 'cookie cutter'. I felt like I was watching Darren Stevens talking with Larry Tate on Bewitched. The blustery, abrupt, threatening boss thing is so old and done. Alan sounds fine... but you need to work on Sebastian.

Name change alert! - Did you notice how many names ended with an "n". That may not seem like a big deal, but it did affect my read. Alan, Martin, Maureen, Sebastian, Jason, Glenn. They say names in a script need to sound different. Well, the "N" factor affected me. Think about it.

Maureen - All of her scenes seemed disjointed. Not sure if it's the dialogue, the pacing, or the fact that she seems a little pasted in. I think her character/role needs work.

Jason howling at the moon? I know he's lost it... but that didn't play (unless he's gonna turn into Lon Chaney). Also... the 'on the roof' thing... not sure why he does that. If it's you trying to characterize his craziness, I think you can find a better way.

At one point, it seemed as if Alan was trying to duplicate Ray's work... and felt he was close. That doesn't play (if I read it right). I think he should TRY, but not be able to get it and end frustrated.

The way Jason seems superhuman. As I read it, it seemed as if he ran full out and avoided death because he knew it wasn't his time and so he ran as if he COULDN'T be killed (yet). That's a cool idea... but since Ray wasn't able to actually do what he claimed, then Jason's ability to avoid death makes no sense. He even gets hit by a car and seems unaffected. It just conflicts. Further, he is uncatchable, which seems unlikely.

LOVE the Landlord character. Great. Gotta get someone like Burt Young (from Rocky) to play that part.

The stuff with Glenn seemed... odd... sort of like with Maureen. Some work needed there, although I don't have any suggestions at the moment.

The ending... it seems both too long (too many scenes) and a little cliche. I think you can shorten/fix this with no problem.

You've got true chops with this storytelling/writing thing. Can't wait to see who wrote this... and I have no doubt this will get made. Can't wait to tell my friends that I read your script before the movie was made.

Superb.

Tyler Jay Washburn (Level 1)

Hi,

As a writer myself I post my work on several sites for feedback. One thing I've been told is to write action lines like a caveman. For example instead of "Alan looks at Sebastian with a convincing sneer of hatred," you'd write "Alan looks at Sebastian. Now "Tarantino" is the king of long action lines and I find they bring a necessary element to the story. I guess what I'm saying here is I feel, due to the critique I've received, like I should tell you to trim the action lines. However, as a reader I quite enjoy the way you have described what is happening. Maybe you could trim some of the ones that slow the flow down. It's a delicate balance, I know.
Wow, Sebastian is a jerk to the end. I think most employers would give you time off after a death in the family. They would probably insist on it. It just seems strange that Alan is Sebastian's go-to-guy until his sister dies and then he gets fired.
I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the ending. It reminded me of "Seven Pounds," the way you anticipate a supernatural resolution but have a rational one instead. Nice work. Jason and Ray are very interesting characters and are both well developed. They arc. I am having a hard time seeing Alan's arc though. I think Alan needs to change in some way. I can't think of how but right now he seems to remain the same until the end. Everyone else is perfect though and this not to say that Alan has no depth because he clearly does. I just think he needs a more visceral arc to him. Yes his work suffers but he is still on the ball investigating his sisters death. So that's not it. He sort of tip toes around commitment with Becky but even that is more circumstantial than it is a life altering discovery. Hope this helps make it even better.
I do think this script is very well written and I enjoyed reading it. Thank for sharing your work.
Cheers,
Tyler Jay

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 10/1/2009 12:09 AM

Rick, I really enjoyed your script. Well written and a page turner. I found it fascinating! Good job as always.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/1/2009 12:10 AM

Congratulations on your honorable mention. You are such a talented writer. I'm looking forward to our winter project.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 12:27 AM

Rick, I cannot believe this didn't place, and place first. Again - excellent work.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2009 12:43 AM

Great screenplay, Rick. Best one that I read. Keep up the good work and best of luck with this script.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2009 2:28 PM

Rick, congrats on your honorable mention. A truly enjoyable read and I wish you much luck with it.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 4:16 PM

Rick, this script was great & was my odds on favorite to win the contest. Sorry to see that didn't pan out, but congrats on the HM nonetheless. Nice work!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 10/2/2009 7:07 PM

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and extensive reviews. It's wonderful to be a part of this site and I hope to give as well as I get. Congrats to the other finalists and I hope to see everyone again in next year's contest.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 10/2/2009 8:30 PM

I agree with Brian.