Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Thoughts as I go along...

Lots of "beats" in the beginning. A lot of them feel unnecessary. I was once told "beat" is what you say when you can't think of anything else. I would get rid of them or change it to something else. It takes away from the story.

Ooo, I'm really interested now that Guy is dead. However, I highly doubt anyone on the news would use the word "butchered" to describe the remains of someone's body. It seems a bit gruesome for a news channel.

"Do Not Disturb" and "Everyday Heroes" ... sounds like film credits from someone on this board. Either it's you who wrote this, or you have a secret work admirer, lol.

You really know how to paint a gruesome image. Great job with that. When the detectives found Daisy, I could see it all clearly. Sure, I didn't really want to see it all that clearly, but your writing and descriptions are nonetheless, awesome.

The whole marijuana, "Fury" thing is really specific. Makes me a little suspicious. Kidding. I think. Nice job describing that scene. Okay, going to keep reading...

I'm beginning to notice that some of your direct addresses don't use a comma. I don't know if it's so much a rule as a personal preference, but I've always been taught to set off an address with a comma.

Ex: Good afternoon, Officer.

haha, I love the "What other guy?" part. And, then as the hand comes through the window, he says, "That other guy." Great comedy during all the suspense.

I like how it comes full circle with the line: "Can't have big movie stars getting assaulted on my watch, can I?"

Okay, I finished it. It was pretty good and well written. I got confused at Donovan saying he paid them to kill Guy because then, why would Cash kill Daisy too? And, why did they want to kill Sheldon and make it look like a suicide? They got their money, so, maybe it's just in their blood to kill celebrities? But, if that's the case, then why did Don pay them off to kill Guy?

But, if I overlook the reasons why I'm confused (because I always get confused so easily), I really like this script and idea. You got the love story, the action and the comedy. I think you should expand the story a bit. Maybe add more stuff to clear up confusion -- more scenes with Cash and Windsor, perhaps? Also, it seemed a bit unrealistic for Cash to survive all that he did? Maybe only shoot him once because two bullets in the chest seems a bit much.

Overall, though, nice job, and congrats on finishing a whole screenplay!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The spacing seems a bit weird to me - too much at the top. The page number seems way down.

I'm afraid I had a few problems with this screenplay (and yes, I know it was your first draft, written just before the birth of your child and so on - but I'm reviewing it as a reader!)

I thought the basic idea was brilliant - agent murders rival actor for screen role. I wanted to know what would happen. Why it would happen. The way you write is appealing and easy to read. It's perfectly formatted (aside from the top margin) and there are hardly any typos or grammatical errors BUT three main downfalls:

1. Far too much of it was padding that did nothing to advance the plot. (I've noted many scenes below) There were very few actual dramatic moments really - a lot of it seemed to be getting to places and talking on cell phones and fixes with elaborate bongs. Pages and pages of fights and car chases too...So the actual plot itself was very thin.

2. Far too much of it lacked motivation - both on a small scale in dialogue responses to questions or situations, and on a larger scale. The responses often took me aback because, bearing in mind the dramatic scene in which they occurred, they seemed flat and without emotion. Then there was much lack of motivation in the plot. Why DID Cash and Windsor want to set Sheldon up, for example? Why did they murder all those people?Anyway - again I've listed all the points below.

3. I suppose a similar point to 2 - but some of it was very contrived and not credible either. Again I've noted this below.

So - sorry to be so stringent about it all, but your first draft needs a lot of re-working - but I think, from your comments on the forum, you knew that!

Opening pages - establish character well, although a lot of meeting and greeting which perhaps didn't advance the plot overmuch?

p.13 - for Sheldon to say Oh! when he heard that Guy had been murdered was not the reaction I felt he'd give. I doubt if, so soon after the murder, the news would be about Sheldon. His reaction to being accused is also quite bizarrely non-committal IMHO.

p. 15 - peaks - peeks

p 18 - any anonymity you might have possessed has just been blown apart by the mention of Do Not Disturb!

p 23 - considering Brix witnessed Sheldon taking out Guy in the club, his reaction is strangely not a reaction when Sheldon turns up at his door.

p 28 - why does Donovan not realise at once that the cops want to talk to him about Sheldon?

Why all the details about not being able to park?

p 30 - while interesting detail, does The Fury REALLY do anything to further the plot?

p 32, 33 'I did not know that' 'I will certainly keep you in mind.'- stilted dialogue

p 38 - now a page or so on getting to the car/sending Carlos. Why? How does it further the plot?

p 42 - How many years have I hated Guy Tile?
Ten? Fifteen? Why would I just
decide to kill him all of a sudden? - because he just got the role Sheldon wanted and humiliated him??!!

Would Alexis really be so cool as to calmly meet the man she thought had just murdered two people?

p 48 - time wasted on selecting a vehicle

Also - quite a few cell phone conversations.

(I'm pointing out all these things but I still want to know what will happen - it's just that there is a lot of padding in your script that doesn't add anything)

p 51-53 two whole pages on arriving at James' pad and setting up the bong! Then a page talking about a gun.

p 58 - would sheldon REALLY risk going into a club where his agent is plainly trying to set him up. Why did he not just confront Donavan about going into the club?


p 61 - Sheldon says 'oh.' when confronted by Cash??!! "

Would someone mind explaining why
we're here?" why does that tell the police he's innocent? It could be referring to anything at all.

p 64 - this all seriously lacks motivation. Why would they want to frame Sheldon anyway? Perhaps we might find out? Why did they kill Donovan? Seems unlikely that the two of them would have escaped practiced killers such as Cash and Windsor in the confines of a room.

p 67 - 73 - 6 pages of car chase! up to p 79 another cell phone conversation and more car chase and fighting. That's really 12 pages of car chase...then 4 pages of fight...

Then contrived cheesy ending!

And we still have no idea why Cash and Windsor wanted to set up sheldon!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

STORY: This story was a lot of fun. It reminded me of "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" (a movie I love). Your script has a great energy and pace. This was easy to follow, although I think maybe a bit too easy for this kind of story. If you had a few more twists and turns, I think it would make the mystery much stronger.

CHARACTERS: Sheldon Reese is an interesting character. I don't really like him and yet, I am drawn to his story and his predicament. I think you can either go "bigger and broader" with him or tone him down (but I'm leaning towards the former). Carlos, his chauffeur, was also a stand-out character for me. I wish I knew a bit more about Alexis, she doesn't quite feel three dimensional yet.

DIALOGUE: I love the style of your dialogue, but I wish the characters all spoke a bit more distinctively. Keep the energy of your language, but make sure each character has their own unique style.

SCENES: I think the opening scenes are the best. You can tell they have been given a lot of love an attention. The further we get into the script it begins to feel like a mad dash for the finish line, but I think with a small rewrite they will be just as strong.

CRAFT: Your craft is great. This was a quick and enjoyable read.

OVERALL: This was a very fun story. I like it and I think it has a lot of promise. If you can twist the plot a bit more and make the characters really sing, I think this could be excellent.

p.s. I've said this before, but really love the title.

David Birch (Level 5)

well, this is it...number seven...didn't think i'd like it when i read the ten pager, but this, actually, turned into my favorite read...for two reasons...first, very easy to read and follow (i.e. the reader was told what was important to know/see without burdening him with a bunch of useless, flowery, insignificant dribble)...second, you kept to the "spine" of your story, so as not to throw in a bunch of red herrings to try and distract the reader from where the story was going...now for my suggestions...i wouldn't have the limo driver doing drugs...remember, he just got done paying off his new limo and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that investment (he could lose his livery license)...second, you need to give us some hint as to the fact that james isn't dead...that came out of right field and has the reader scratching his head and having to turn back and re-read through to see where he came from...overall, the story was a little farcical, primarily because sheldon (somewhere) acquires some "superhuman" strength to do everything he does in the third act (remember the comment about sheldon getting winded for just a little exertion)...the second half of act 2 needs help...a few obstacles that get in the way (just remember to set them up in your first act)...but all in all a fun, easy read that kept the pages turning...thanks...

_______________________EXCELLENT_____GOOD_____AVERAGE_____POOR_____
STORY_________________________________X____________________________
CHARACTERS_______________________X_________________________________
PREMISE___________________________________X________________________
COMMERCIAL APPEAL________________X_________________________________

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A fast read which I enjoyed. Overall, my only big suggestion would be to add a sub-plot to give the reader a little variety. Suggestion: put James Bond in the SP earlier and more often. He’s a colorful character!

Here are a few comments:

Do not overuse “beat” in dialogue. In most cases, let the actors determine where the pauses will be in their parts.

“I always try steer clear of that prick.” I think you mean “I always try TO steer clear of that prick.”

“Sheldon and Donovan disappear in to the club.” Should be INTO.

“Alexis rolls her eyes, cuts him off.” And then a few lines later, Alexis rolls her eyes again. I suspect that most actors do not want to be filmed rolling their eyes. Suggest you try to find something else…

“Sheldon scans the line of people, then the curbside, notices Daisy and Sugar standing near the street, approaches. A taxi approaches.” Using the word APPROACHES so soon, so fact, is distracting. I would suggest you find another word for one usage.

“INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE, BEDROOM - MORNING” Slug lines should only say DAY or NIGHT. If you need to specify “morning’, make the point in the description.

I like the dialogue exchange between Harris and Jordan on pages 19-20.

CASH QUARTERS … a name to remember! Wish I’d thought of it.

“CASH QUARTERS, 30's, mean looking, bald headed, beast of a
man wearing latex gloves, lowers himself from the balcony
above down to Sheldon's with great stealth for a man his
Size.” I had to read this sentence twice since it was so long. Suggest you rewrite it into two sentences.

Suggest you do a search on “in to”. Most of them should be “into“.

Nice touch … naming the limousine!

Page 55. Nice moving. Good pace. But what’s missing is a sub-plot. Just about every scene has Sheldon in it, good for the actor who plays his character … but I think something else going on would be nice.


“INT. BETSY THE LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS SHELDON Drive!
Carlos turns the key. The engine won't turn over.” I would suggest that you start the scene with Carlos turning the key, then go to the dialogue… Put the reader into the scene before you introduce dialogue.

“A somber shindig is full swing.” Do you mean “a somber shindig IN full swing.”?

“From behind Sheldon, a hand appears, grabs his shoulder,
jerks him backwards. Carlos furrows his brow, glances in the rearview mirror, sees nothing. Confused, he turns around, looks in the back. He sees Sheldon wrestling with Cash on the floor.” I have a difficult time believing that Carlos would see NOTHING. Would he HEAR something?

“Sheldon flails his arm, grabs a shard of glass , which cuts…” NO SPACE before the comma.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

A fun, fast read, and I think you’ve got the makings of a hit here. Sheldon is a likable character despite his glaring personal flaws. And the world you’ve created, with its violence and gore shrouded in humor, sex, and light romance, seems to be the kind of movie the major quadrant will pay good money to see.
A few suggestions are: (1) thought Alexis would come off as a stronger character if she were more on her guard against Sheldon’s advances and gave him more trouble. They could still end up together, but perhaps she doesn’t defend him to the media, especially when she hears that he was with another woman the previous evening when the murder occurred. And perhaps you could add more conflict so she isn’t such a supporter of his and he really has to woo her to win her, all the while trying to prove his innocence.
(2) Dialog was generally good and often made me chuckle, though at times I thought it could use a little sharpening. Sometimes it’s a bit too straightforward, eg, when passing a street with a lot of media and police, Sheldon says: “Shit. This is the street Guy Tile's house is on.” (p. 44) And sometimes it could be a little snappier, like on p. 7, when Sheldon is trying to win Alexis back and she tells him that he was unfaithful less than a year ago (not when he was “young and stupid,” as Sheldon just said), I was expecting Sheldon to come back with some edgy repartee, not just frown.
(3) Thought some of the scenes were a bit over the top and would benefit from being more believable, like the fight scene in the limo at the end.

Here are some notes I jotted down while reading. Oh, and as far as Cal, Cash, and Carlos, you may want to change these names so that they begin with different first letters. Especially Cal and Cash – I got them confused. Overall, very nice job! Hope this helps.

3 – add “to” between "try" and "steer"
3 – different, not difference
4 – Road Rage? (not Roid Rage)
6 – won’t, not wont
14 – his, not this (2x). But it seems strange to have this part of the V.O. repeated.
15 – delete “in” alongside Sheldon’s building
35 - "where you think I get my weed?" He's already said he gets his weed here (p. 22), so maybe delete the earlier reference.
39 – delete something here: less than an two hours
41 - period after believe (not ?)
49 – add me after Meet.
59 – delete “the way”
68, 71 (2x), 72, 84 – I would slug this LOS ANGELES CITY STREET (not STREETS) unless you’re intending aerial shots. Camera can only shoot one street at a time.
73 – add “in” - in full swing
82 - add “at” – hurls it at...
82 - unbuttons, not unbutton
Also, you may want to do a search for “in to” and make that one word throughout.

Galen Westerfield (Level 2)

First the criticism. I kind of wished that your story had flexed it's comedic muscles a little more, not that it wasn't present but the story works best in the context of a comedy and the action kind of overshadows the humor. I also wish Windsor hadn't been gotten rid of so fast seeing as Cash was just kind of the man-servant and the reason for the frame be clarified. The assassination is explained, but the betrayal isn't really touched up upon. Other than it being 'easy' the villains don't really seem to have much motivation or much of anything to gain from it since they're already getting paid. Now for the good. The story is very entertaining all throughout with lots of unsuspecting twists and turns that keep you engaged. The characters have depth to them that makes them interesting and allows them to come off the page. Your story struck me very much as the sort of thing that might come from Judd Aptow. Overall a great story that had me going till the very end. Much kudos to you.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Congratulations for finishing your feature. Well done! I really liked the energy and pacing of the end, but thought that overall, the pace was a bit slow. I'm not sure the title works. It reflects the attitude of the screenplay, but not the essential puzzle. And as for the "puzzle" did the guy really "attempt to unravel the gruesome death..."? Didn't he just try to avoid the cops, and then get a tip that sent him to the killer? I expected a bit more "detecting" going on, even if in a hapless kind of way. If the character is going to end up with the nice, hot, smart chick, I think it works better if we actually see a teeny bit of growth from the guy. He seems to just be along for the ride. The second act bogs down because not much happens because of Sheldon's determination. If you care about motivation (not everyone does), you might want to show a reason for Sheldon to not want the cops to talk to him. Most innocent people, even highly sheltered ones, will realize that going on the run is usually counterproductive. Does he have an a prior conviction under another name that he doesn't want anyone to know about? I liked your James character, and I think you could do more with the limo and the limo driver.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Great opening!

Pg 4, pg 43, pg 49, 52, 53, 66, 67, 69, 70, 71, 72, 76, 78, 79, 80 and 86 should be into, not in to.

Pg 66, 77 onto, not on to.

Clearly painted beginning, middle and end.
Nicely wrapped package.

Man, that Cash was not human, but very terminator-like. Can't say that was believable, but it has definitely worked in other action films.

This was undoubtedly action-packed! It started out with much of an Entourage feel to it, but then had an unexpected and welcome turn.

Sheldon, who was established from the very beginning as a selfish womanizer, was surprisingly likable. He had a way about him much like Robert Downey Jr in IronMan, which I loved!

One character which I felt could've been developed a bit more was Alexis. Play up the romantic side of it a bit more. It was an adorable romantic ending but didn't gel with the rest of the story cause I was never really rooting for the two of them as a couple. Perhaps if you added one conversation in there early on where they could have that special "moment", it'd help.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

This script has a lot of potential. The plot is interesting, the pacing is good, and it has some funny bits. I also like the echoes of O.J. Simpson in the chase scene.
Your action writing is strong- direct, clear, and fast-paced.

Its one main problem is lack of compelling characters.

I didn't really care about Sheldon. He's a funny character, but I didn't feel anything for him, or with him. This is a broad comedy, and broad characters are funny, but I'd like to see you develop Sheldon deeper rather than broader.

Sheldon is insouciant, self-absorbed, and vulgar. Fine.

Then the next character is insouciant, self-absorbed, and vulgar. And then the next, and the next. All different shades of gray.

The problem for me is, Sheldon is just another one of the quirky characters, doing basically the same thing the other characters are doing. Even at the end of the script, he hasn't shown anything special that makes me want to like him. (Other than simply enduring punishment, but Carlos does that, too.)

There's a glimmer of real feeling in Sheldon- his heartfelt attraction to Alexis- but it's not developed. (If he was fighting for her in the fight scene, it would be more than just a fight scene- it would be a character development scene, which is a lot more interesting.)

One of the symptoms of this problem is overly precise scene direction. The characters come across as marionettes, being made to nod, roll their eyes, etc. You have a lot of furrowing of brows.
In my own scripts, when I start seeing a lot of that, it's a sign the scene is flaccid. (You don't have this problem in your action scenes, because there's real conflict.)

Overall, good pacing, good action writing, and some good laughs, but I want to see some real feeling from your protagonist.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Bullets and Wisecracks surely did rain hell upon Sheldon Reese...LOL!!!

The plot is a bit thin (Donovan created all this trouble in an attempt to ressurect Sheldon's Career), but I like the fact that I didn't see it coming. Donovan does not appear to be the type who would contrive such a deal with Windsor, so the surprise was welcomed, but I feel that the whole idea is a bit too much, even if such a thing is the norm in hollywood.

That aside, I must say that I did enjoy reading this script. The dialogue was entertaining and comedic when necessary. The characters were all there from beginning to end and they each played well in filling up the script without having too much outside interference from unecessary characters (An example of what I mean is Brix - Bouncer at the Euphoria and also the friend that Sheldon goes to while on the run - It's so cool when a good character fills in the gaps because you get to showcase both your skills in writing and the actor performing the role).

I only gave this script a Very Good because I feel that the scenes were often a bit too long and the final chase scene, while well written and very exciting, was way over the top, especially with Betsy ending up in the V.I.P. section...LOL!!! Still, I really enjoyed reading it and I can say that it would certainly make for a great dark comedy feature. Below are some additional comments:

Carlos was a cool character and If this ever gets made then I can imagine the role being flawlessly translated onscreen by Cheech Marin.

The title could benefit from a re-imaginging. The line was uttered only once in the script and it would be cool if it were to pop up at least several more times throughout the flick. If not, then my suggestion is go with something else. But that's just a suggestion. "Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?" does have a nice ring to it.

On page 42, when Alexis meets with Sheldon, her reaction was a bit too sensitive. I understand that she may still like him, but it was too low for her character, especially since she's gonna end up staying with him at the end.

Brix, Guy Tile, Sheldon Reese, James Bond, Donovan...All cool names for characters...Kudos for that!

In page 47 you have Cal the reporter stating the obvious while Sheldon (in disguise) walks behind and past him... Brilliant...LMAO!!!

James Bond is Awesome! I love it when there is a secondary character that steals some of the spotlight with witty dialogue and hilarious actualizations. You did great with this one and I visualized him being played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

Cash Quarters (another cool name) was unbelievably well crafted. As a comeback-charlie he did great in creating tension and thrills throughout. The final fight between him and practically everyone else in the story was hilarious.

Very Good Work indeed.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok, I love this script so much. I know the moderators will be wondering if I'm just being biased or may have the assumption that I just don't like anything but that's not true. I just don't like to reward excellents to just anyone. You my friend are a screenwriter at the least a decent one.

Your story does what it needs to do and is very filmic and cinematic. You don't get to flowery nor do you get too boring for too long. Story is defined even in the logline I get a sense of genre. Sometimes I think you lost the tone with some of the action beats but it was still written so well. This isn't something that tries to do something too zany so I can understand but it is creative enough for me to laugh and enjoy and for this to be your own. Beautiful if this doesn't win.... o wait I stil got 2 more to do. But this gets an excellent.

Characters: Your characters are really good, sure this isn't an indie comedy that begs for development of every character. I like all or most of your characters but some of them felt unoriginal at times. It felt like ok I need the weed guy, ok I need the love interest. In that sense I didn't feel that original. Also sadly enough I think your character doesn't really have a satisfying character arc where he truly changes. It feels like this is how we see all romantic comedy anti - heroes change. They settle down and have a successful pseudo career. But again you did everything you had to do to make this identifiable. That's the beauty of the romantic comedy they all can have the same ending and we can still like em. Also work on making your stoners weirder.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is damn fantastic. Sometimes I felt like your characters were the same person being that he was around so many stoners and one night stands. They all sounded high or like 1 dimensional gold diggers or star screwers. But I think you did what the story needed to do. I saw some points that were just ok and didn't really capitalize on the funny situations but eh it worked with a rewrite it could be greater.

Formatting: Don't use Insert you don't need it at all its tedious and it breaks the spell. Animate your objects photos or use verbs to describe them. Ok I think that's what you should do. Everything else was fine and you did a really good job of keeping it brief both in dialogue and in description/action lines. Did I mention how much I appreciate that.

Great script, Excellent because I can already see the potential for this to be great. Sure it's not the most original script but you executed it well enough to be excellent.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

page notes:

p16
SHELDON
Can't. I got to get out of here before the media feeding frenzy begins. You can finish up, just pull the door tight when you leave.

I think this and instances like that could be shortened, to the minimum actually
He has to say it quick as he is in a hurry to leave right. So "No, the media is here. Pull the door tight when you leave." got to do, I think.

p16 - "She notices, grabs his package" - I thought he just peeped in?

p26 Alexis and Cal's conversation could be shortened, I think.

p27 - I liked the way Alexis learns the news.

I'm on page 28 and I think that your main character is absent for far too long.

p40
"SHELDON We're going to Fatburger on Wilshire.CARLOS I love Fatburger!SHELDON And I'm going to need to borrow some of your clothes. CARLOS No problem. Got some in the trunk."
I think this could be shortened to just "CARLOS Got some clothes in the trunk?" - I'd get the idea right away.

p47 - "Sheldon Reese, still in disquise, passes right behind him without looking up." - This reminds me of early versions of Pink Pantherer.
p49 - 52,53,54 - now it reminds me of Pineapple Express.
p63 - Is it a parody? It started a satire, I thought it would be for the most part about love, and "Sheldon's rebirth" but it changed a direction (for me). I think now the movie is shaping into somethig almost farcical (I do mean farcical in a good way). I just wish it was a parody from the very beginning. Maybe it is and I missed it?

I'm on page 76 and can am sure that it's a parody. Almost sure. The first 40 pages were a little misleading for me. It got very funny from page 50 on, but I can't say it was the same funny from the very beginning. On the other hand what is funny to you may not seem the same to me, "funny" is very subjective and I'm aware of that.

from p77 down - well done action packed scenes - loved those. Maybe you could make them more humorous, though?

It's a good parody, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A little bit of everything in this action-comedy-crime-drama-romance. Love the title.
Sheldon Reese, not the brightest in the bunch, interacts with a cavalcade of characters. Initially, the number of them is a concern. But, their somewhat stereotypical descriptions are concise and their actions manage to distinguish them from each other. Sheldon is "devilishly handsome and well aware of it"; Carlos is "hip"; Daisy and Sugar are "blond" and "redhead" bombshells; Donovan is "bald and stocky."
Detective Jordan and Detective Harris's contrasting descriptions are good: "a well built man with a shaved head" and "a street-hardened curmudgeon."
Good characterization of James, although he bears a remarkable similarity to one of Judd Apatow's people. (Not necessarily a bad thing; the public loves Apatow's people.)
The early part of this story seems dialogue heavy, but there are some good lines. Sheldon's exclamation about Cash being "F...in' inhuman," then watching the criminal crash to the floor he follows with "Maybe not." Clever. Later on, Carlos questions Sheldon about who he shot. Sheldon replies: "And the other guy." Carlos' retort "What other guy?" followed by Cash's arm through the windshield and Sheldon saying "That other guy" is funny. Might consider deleting Carlos' "Whoa, shit!" though. He states the obvious and the surprise appearance of the arm works better without the line. Also, the repetition about missing the turn by Carlos and Sheldon towards the end is sharp and snappy.
Some of the dialogue needs some fine tuning. In one scene, Sheldon is on the phone and says: "Yeah, whatever...We're heading over to Brix's...I'll talk to you later on." Omitting lines of chit-chat emphasizes what's relevant and provides more white space.
Harris's outburst "Who the hell is Sheldon Reese?" is excellent. Saying "Sheldon Reese" first isn't needed.
There are several instances where the characters are addressed by nicknames. While "Lexi" or "Lex" is obviously Alexis, "Donovan" is called "Don" and "Jordan" is referred to as "AJ." Might be helpful to add those nicknames to their introductions. Also, characters don't need to address each other by name in dialogue more than once, unless who the person is talking to isn't apparent.
The two detectives enter Sheldon's Penthouse and discover Daisy's mutilated body in the bedroom. Jordan announces "Clear," Harris claims "All clear over here," and Jordan finishes with another "Clear." Perhaps description of what they see as they make their way to the bedroom and the gruesome find would be better. Their behavior is predictable. Would be nice to see them handle routine police work in a unique manner.
Cal's V.O. twice about Sheldon's "malicious assault on Tile last night" reads like a typo. And, the math on Sheldon's comment about hating Tile for "ten or fifteen years" means Guy Tile would have been about 15. Sheldon too. Were they childhood friends?
The latter part of this story is quick, fun and action-packed. So many pages in the beginning dedicated to a drug scenario, which has been done in movies. Not sure that a newer, bigger piece of equipment like "The Fury" adds anything substantial. Also, the mental picture of James dragging "a large bucket full of water" from his bedroom doesn't fit. Water in a bedroom?
Later on, scene after scene of more action and less talking is good. The visual description of "Betsy the Limo" sets the car up as a character. Good idea, since her involvement in the climax is crucial. The showdown in Windsor's Office could be trimmed to speed up getting to the gunshots, the fight between Sheldon and Cash, and Sheldon's dive with James out the window. The scene of Carlos and the blaring rap music is too close to "Die Hard." Needs a different spin. Maybe Carlos is side-tracked around the corner flirting with a beautiful woman. Or, he's in a corner convenience store looking at girly magazines. Just ideas...
The chase scene, culminating with barreling through the front doors of Euphoria is terrific. And the two surprises: Alexis is Jordan's sister and Sheldon demonstrates his fitness for an action role, are excellent. Hints throughout the story from Jordan and Harris, and Guy's comment to Sheldon that "Marvin didn't think he could sell you as an action hero" are paid off big time.
Real picky -- the last word in this screenplay needs an "e." Premiere.
There is a good action movie in here. Congratulations on finishing this interesting and fun story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I loved this! I'm going to do a run through of some errors I found on specific pages, and then I'm going to tackle the story. I've already read the whole thing and made notes, so I know for a fact I'm going to have to take some time to tell you how great this is. If I don't, I might not make the new quota!

Page 3 - "SHELDON - I always try steer clear of that prick. Why would tonight be any difference?" Insert a "to" in there, and it should be "different."

Page 10 - "Brix backs Sheldon against mirrored wall." Insert "a" where you've double spaced.

Page 12 - "In to" should be "into." You do that throughout the script. There's at least one "on to," too - . I'll tell you when I get there. One on page 37, two on pages 77,78.

Page 13 - Put a comma after "30's with a bad mustache."

Page 15 - Remove the "in" after "pulls to a stop..."

Pages 16,57 - Two instances of "in to."

On page 18 you tell me who you are. :D Love the references to your movies.

Pages 20,36,40,43,45,49,52,56,62,66,67,69,70,72,73,78,80,82 and 85 - One "in to."

Page 21 - Hyphenate between "twenty" and "one."

Page 39 - Take out "an" in "less than an..."

Page 49 - Insert a "me" in "meet at the Kitty Kat..."

Page 56 - Do you mean to have a question mark at the end of "And he's never early?"

Page 59 - Top of the page. Move "An unmarked car..." above the scene heading for the car interior. Reword the "Donovan leads the way..." sentence.

Page 65 - "He returns fires at..."

Page 73 - "A somber shindig is full..." Do you want an "in" in there? And put a "the" between "adorn" and "club."

Pages 71,76 - Three instances of "in to."

Page 79 - Four instances of "in to."

Page 80 - Insert a "the" in "...by throat..."

Page 81 - What do you mean by "spears?" If you meant a head in the stomach attack, you got the point across nicely.

Page 84 - There are two spaces between "tuxedo" and "and."

That's it...

I love this story. It doesn't feel like a final draft, but you're really close.

The dialogue is fantastic. I think I pointed out one punctuation error that occurs in dialogue. I thought you might actually have meant to put in a period there. There are other punctuation errors in dialogue, but I haven't pointed them out. Dialogue can be written the way it's spoken, and I'm assuming that's what you've done. I'm sure others will point some things out to you, but write it the way you want the words coming out of the characters' mouths.

The flow is smooth. The pacing is great. You could add more pages to make it even more intricate, but it's complete here. Anything else would be gravy.

Excellent work!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I probably said this about the ten pages, but I love Sheldon's introduction in the first five pages or so. You set up such a great asshole character that there's lots of space for him to grow later on in the script, and this kind of character is still fresh and interesting as a protagonist for a murder mystery (I loved Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang).

Page 4: "Why would tonight be any difference?" Should be "different".

On page 14, it was strange that Cal repeated the end part of his line. The earlier end part should have been cut, I'm assuming.

Page 76: "Cash forcers" should be "Cash forces".

The detectives' scenes were good. The parallel stories really came together in your advantage, especially during the scene at the Kitty Kat Klub and in the police car outside it. I felt a bit cheated when it was revealed that James was working for the police, but that's necessary for the ending to work out.

I usually prefer murder mysteries to withhold the identity of the killer until the end, but it can occasionally work if the protagonist has to figure out why or how someone murdered the victim, or if they had accomplices, etc. When I read the scene with Cash I thought it was one of those cop-outs, but Donovan's part in it was nicely revealed later on.

At the end it doesn't really feel right that Alexis should go back to him so suddenly. His admission that she was right about him was on page 42, a long time ago in the audience's mind, and she and the audience just accept that he's changed because of being framed of murder without any clear indication of that.

The logline is somewhat misleading, in that Sheldon doesn't really unravel Guy's death. Most of the scenes just happen around him. Some might think that makes the story weaker, but I like how he's unable to really do much by himself, being so unknowingly dependent on other people. Maybe if he had some lines acknowledging that (or even a simple "Thanks" to Alexis from the stretcher) then his arc would be complete.

The story was well paced though, especially the all-out action ending. The dénouement was corny, but I guess necessary. It was still fun to see what happened to all the characters.

Very good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

STRUCTURE/FORMATTING/GRAMMAR: I found this area to be pretty strong. We get a glimpse of Sheldon in his normal life then comes the catalyst with the death of Guy. Break into ACT II would probably be when the media closes in and Sheldon is forced on the run. Break into ACT III comes at the Kitty Kat club and builds to the climax and glimpse of our reborn characters in the end. All the basics are covered and I think you are on the right track here.
Formatting was another strong point in your script. Sure, I might have missed a few errors but nothing stood out enough to have me make note of it. Everything was standard and never got in the way of the storytelling. Well done.
Spelling and grammar was okay. I found a few instances where you use question marks when they are not appropriate. I do this a lot too so keep an eye on it. (pg.2 You tell him to go fuck himself?"

PREMISE: I think you are just okay here. I think the whole LA/celebrity angle is good and marketable but I don't think the logline really captures what the story is about. I found it more of a 'buddy movie' with Sheldon and Carlos. The 'celebrity slaying hitman' idea conjures up images of a stalker rather than a guy hired for one quick job. Also, I never got the feeling of Sheldon trying to 'unravel' Guy's death, he is just on the run and the answers sort of fall in his lap. I think the idea of a celeb trying to clear his name of a murder charge is interesting but I think you often lost sight of that core concept with some of Sheldon's random actions.

CHARACTERS/DIALOGUE: Strangely, I found much more enjoyment in your supporting cast than I did the star. That was probably my main gripe with the script, Sheldon is just not at all likeable. He doesn't have to be a saint but I never got any connection to him or any rooting interest in his dilemma. Okay, so Guy was a real a-hole but Sheldon shows no remorse for him or the woman who is killed in his apartment. I think he is way too casual about the entire situation (cracking jokes, smoking weed). It's okay to keep the tone lighter but I needed some hint that this man has some decency in his heart and I never got that. I found the detectives to be another weak component. They really had no depth or personality. I enjoyed Alexis a lot. Her role was focused and I could empathize with her feelings. She was probably the most believable of the bunch. I also liked Carlos, Brix and James. They played their parts well and James was a memorable addition. The dialogue is pretty good overall. No long speeches, things were snappy and I found a bunch of witty banter that avoided being too 'on the nose'.

OTHER THOUGHTS: I think the tone is slightly unbalanced in the script. I guess it works as a black comedy but the brutality of the crimes didn't quite blend well with the mostly humorous mood. Outside of Alexis, all the characters seemed to play a little too casual given the circumstances and it seemed like a lot of people were putting their necks on the line for Reese even though he was not that likeable of a character. You use the phrase 'furrows his brow' just a little too much throughout. Also, the way the story unfolds, it seems like LA is a small town with the characters crossing paths frequently. I know you can bend the rules for a screenplay but having lived there, this struck me as strange.
I really think the ending needs an overhaul. I loved the non-stop action and think that makes for a fun conclusion but things got a little too far over the top. CASH was too indestructible. This works once or twice but it started venturing into Jason Voorhees territory. I also have to question the consequences for all the damage and mayhem that this escapade has caused. I think Reese will still be in big trouble despite his innocence in the murder case. Again, something that you can get away with in a script but it struck me as a possible issue.

I liked a whole lot of the story and think you are definitely on to something here. Just needs some touching up and maybe a cleaner ending. Congrats of finishing your feature. Good luck with it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

First of all congratulations for completing the challenge/contest and good luck.

This was a very quick and easy read. Your first page is a real attention grabber and the first 10 set up the action and characters well. Your action writing is strong and the chase scene at the end was very well handled.

Your formatting is also excellent.

However, I found your plot and characters very weak.

Sheldon is really a very unlikeable guy and he didn't develop or grow on me as the story progressed. There was no scene showing me how or why he had changed at the end. You indicate that he has changed from being a shallow womanisier to a loving husband by having him sign a fan's arm rather than breast but when and why did this major change in personality come about? The audience needs to see the change happening in order to feel satisfied.

Most of the characters are one dimensional, their dialogue is similar and they don't grow, change or really move the action forward by making any choices. Sheldon makes only a few choices as far as I could see – a/ to go an hide out at Brix's b/ to go and meet Windsor c/to take James with him d/ to still go into Windsor's even though he knows his manager is up to something fishy.

None of these choices show us what kind of guy he is and they're not particularly dramatic.

He also has no friends, only acquaintances or people who work for him or girls he has used. If no-one in your story likes him why should we?

The plot is very flimsy. There is no tension, everything is just told to Sheldon, we don't see anything happening or being uncovered. There is too much gore for this to be a flat out comedy and not enough plot to be a thriller and not enough action to be an action. It is in limbo.

There are also many scenes that could be cut as they don't move the story forward or develop character. The whole script feels like it has half of the first act and then jumps to the last act with nothing in between.

The first scene in Brix's apartment is just a whole pot smoking scene. It tells us nothing to do with plot or character except that they're all stoners and foreshadows James' being wired for the tiny reveal at the end. But it is too long a scene just for that. And then you go back there and have much of the same.

Why is Carlos helping Sheldon out? There is nothing to indicate such loyalty and devotion.

Why is Alexis so into him? There is nothing to show why she loves him.

Why does James help him? Because the cops want him to. This would be more of a twist if you gave James another reason, really make him belive he IS James Bond. Give his dialogue more flavour, have him speak with a crappy English accent and wear a tux all the time, make him really quirky – a memorable character.

Brix is completely interchangeable with James, Sheldon, Carlos and the cops – they all use the same language and if you hadn't given such different names I'd have been flipping about trying to remember who was who.

Give them all quirks, make Brix gay or have him bullied by his 90yr old granny whom he lives with. Make Jordan a woman who's jealous that her sister slept with Sheldon, make Harris a woman too – anything to make them leap off the page.

P40 – why does Carlos have clothes in the trunk – very lazy writing, why not descibe in those tight pink clothes earlier and then have Sheldon wearing them, much funnier.

P41 -42 – loads of exposition telling us stuff we already know.

P48 – 'not spooning with you' – great line of dialogue

p49 – Donovan suddenly knows all the answers? Huh? Where'd the story go? Where's the tension? This is where you leap from the first act to the third.

P 55/56 – very standard dialogue

p58 – why is Sheldon still trusting Donovan? This whole bit with Sheldon just going to see this guy Windsor is very weak, why would he do that? It doesn't make any sense.

Cops with surveillance – ok, now you've added some intrigue – who's wired and why? But this comes half way through, very late in the game to be getting the audience interested in the plot and the characters.

P65 – if Cash is holding Sheldon from behind how the hell does a backwards kick get him in the groin? Typo: returns fires

p70 – great action writing

p74 – the spotligh into the car is really strange and distracting, you tell us why it's there later but why hasn't Sheldon noticed the helicopter and wouldn't the audience hear it?

A quick and light read but characters and plot need some attention.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Not really my cup tea, but I enjoyed this "short" feature quite a lot. It's well-paced and has an appropriate climax. It's perhaps a bit TOO short, and seeing as the first couple of pages are SO good, I really wish we saw Sheldon in this 'pre-murder' enviroment a bit more. He's just so loathingly smooth, really like how you wrote him. The introduction nails him.

The details aren't up to that level though, Sheldon's arc can hardly be considered such, he just lands the girl at the end, there's no change in his ways. Motivations all seem a bit blurred across the board. At the end, why does Cash even continue to pursue these people? Infact, he's going to only incriminate himself in this process. He turns into a silent menacing golem just bent on destruction, no other motivation, no character.

I don't like the Bong-scenes along the middle, the dope scene has been done and can only be reanimated with truly unique takes. Besides, I thought of Sheldon a little better than his engagement into hanging with these stoner-types. He's a washed up actor for god's sake, he should have all kinds of lousy filmcrew hanging around him.

Don't know if you meant for this or not, but the detective scenes aren't really up to par either. There's little to no true detective work to speak of and the dialogue just feels weird coming from them.

I like how you handled certain characters, Brix and James specifically, I like their dynamic. Alexis seems to be the female for female's sake. Why Sheldon is even after her is anyone's guess. He can lay any girl he wants and it's never explained what makes this Alexis special. She also does nothing during the story to underline her uniqueness. She's just there, a more active role would have been great.

Hate to see Guy Tile die so quickly, loved the rivalry those two had going. Like I said, perhaps you could lengthen the beginning, toss his death at the 30 page mark or something. Although I suppose this would slow your fast-paced script some what, but that pace can still be maintained long as the Guy-sheldon sequences are more interesting.

I do think you could milk more out of the concept. The premise has a lot of potential and I feel you've only scratched the surface of it. Far more interesting locations as well. Empty sets, old studio places. You could even do more with the Agent Orange concept, perhaps have it in production already, or even show segments of it during or in the end sequence.

In conclusion, I like what you got here, it's a complete movie, but I do feel you've missed depth on alot of places. Locations could be more interesting, Characters could use some more personality (and scenes) and I'd like more action sequences (instead of just one really loooong one at the end). It could turn this solid script into a diamond one.

Best Moment: The whole introduction-club scene. Just places the positions of the character (especially the lead) perfectly, sets the tone and is just really well-written with loads of good funny dialogues.

Best Character: Easily Sheldon himself, unfortunately, this is mostly because the other characters are quite shallow compared to him. But he's great as the anti-hero. He's a spotlight/scene stealer.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I am writing the same preamble for all seven reviews. Since almost every entry is a MoviePoet regular, I feel as if I’m doing this for a friend. In a lot of ways all seven entries are already winners. Congratulations on completing a feature, a hell of an accomplishment in a mere nine months, while at the same time writing shorts, reviewing, and living the rest of your life. Now you’ll receive what I would imagine to be a minimum of twenty reviews and it didn’t cost you a nickel (or a pound)!

I only read about half the Loglines and was unable to read any of the 10 Pagers, so these stories are all completely new to me. I’m going to just go in chronological order, list my specific notes by page number, then sum it up in the end and tell you my score. Let’s start!

Title (Upon first reading it): Comedic and intriguing. I do want to know who the hell Sheldon Reese is now.

Logline (Prior to reading feature): Short and sweet. All the bases seem covered. Maybe establish earlier that our protagonist's career is acting, right now it's the final word of the logline. Not sure as of now if this is more comedy with dramatic elements or vice-versa. Are we more "Lethal Weapon" or "Ace Ventura?" Perhaps establish more of the genre and tone.

Opening Image: While two chicks going down on Sheldon in that back of a limo is a little graphic, I suppose it's fit for a comedy and gives us insight into his personality.

Protagonist: We're introduced to Sheldon Reese right on the first line, good job with that.

Pages 1-5: Watch out for all the named characters. We've got at least seven so far and since they all have proper names (i.e.- Carlos the limo driver, Brix the bouncer, etc.), I'm assuming they will have some importance to the plot.

Catalyst: Guy Tile's murder and Sheldon being accused serves as the inciting incident, which occurs right on time on Page 14. Good job.

Pages 14-15: Intercut the telephone conversation between Sheldon and Alexis to keep things as visual as possible, unless you're purposely hiding Alexis here as some sort of twist later on (I'm writing this as I go).

Page 24: Maybe use shorter sub-scene headings throughout when we're within a location, i.e.- BEDROOM, BATHROOM, instead of INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE, BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS, which is long and stalls the flow of the script.

Title (After reading feature): It's a fun play on the rivalry between Sheldon and Guy, but it's too "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" I think another title could fit, one that still maintains a comedic touch.

Logline (After reading feature): The logline is fine, but I might re-arrange some components of it. I stink with loglines, so I'm not going to attempt to re-construct it.

Summary: You tell the classic Hollywood murder-mystery/who-dun-it story with comedic elements, but I feel some work still needs to go into this to maximize its potential.

Your screenwriting is tight and this was a very fast, fluid read. It was perhaps the easiest read out of all seven. The narrative was clear, concise, and easy to follow. Great job with that.

At 86 pages, this almost doesn't qualify as a feature-length screenplay, and I think the story might be served better as a short anyway, say sixty or so pages. Many scenes go on too long. Enter late, leave early. There's instances of filler-scenes throughout, the most notable being four pages dedicated to "The Fury."

Sheldon Reese's character needs to arc sooner, but because this story essentially takes place over a two day period, his arc comes in the final scenes, which is fast-forwarded one year into the future. He needs this gradual arc throughout because, quite frankly, he's a loathsome character and I sometimes didn't care that he might be arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I hate to say the dreaded, "I wasn't rooting for him."

I feel you were leaning more towards the "Ace Ventura" than the "Lethal Weapon," which your tone throughout established adequately. Some of the jokes didn't feel so fresh though, as there are many "stoner" comedies, and to be honest, some also fell a little flat.

There are perhaps too many characters throughout. Tighten this up by either combining some and eliminating others.

Also hindering some of the story's freshness are many cliches that are touched upon throughout- The bad guy who refuses to die, the unscrupulous agent who also turns out to be one of the murderous conspirators, the frisky ex-girlfriend too good for the protagonist, etc.

Intercut your telephone conversations to keep the story as visual as possible. Show us who's on the other line, instead of it awkwardly coming out in conversation- "Hey Jane, it's me, John."

Format your parentheticals (wrylies) in the lower case and without punctuation.

This was an overall entertaining and fun read; I was never bored. A few more red herrings sprinkled throughout could add some more spice to the story and give it a big twist at the end. Congratulations again on your top ten finish and keep at it with this project as I wish you nothing but the best of luck with it!

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

At 89 pages, this is a fast read, well-paced, with sparse description that really pushes you along. By far the fastest read in the competition so far, and not the shortest script. It looks like you kept what worked in the first ten pages and tossed some stuff - I was less repulsed by the early language, and it gave the characters a gentler intro, so you wanted to stick with them.

You're clearly a visceral, darkly funny writer, and I think your stuff just isn't my taste. Over-the-top, almost pornographic sexual behavior (like Daisy's last-chance plea) I find difficult to believe. The smoking scenes seem out of place, Dazed and Confused dropped into the middle of the Fugitive. And some graphic unpleasantness - notably Jordan puking at the crime scene - is too gross to be really funny, and feels unwarranted. And I do enjoy sex, drugs, and slashers in movies - these just felt out-of-the-blue, pushed too far, and didn't make me laugh.

There is a lot of funny stuff that I do like - and, frankly, the stuff I like is the same immature humor. Brix revealed as "Stellar Ballfunk" was probably the best dialogue in the whole piece, and I hate funny name jokes. The running gag of Sheldon's washed up career - being refered to as a "former actor" on the news, an action star unable to catch his breath after a short chase - held up pretty well throughout.

Probably the biggest problem with the screenplay is Sheldon. I like just about every character in the script better than him, and he never has a moment when he seems to realize that he's a dick. Or, at least, feels sorry that he has been a dick. Brix, James Bond, Alexis, even Jordan - all have my sympathy before Sheldon. And beyond what he IS, what he DOES doesn't help things. He's extremely nonchalant about being a murder suspect. By page thirty, half the city thinks he's a murderer, and he's sitting around smoking a giant bowl, completely oblivious to any danger. He only starts to act like he's in trouble when Carlos takes him right to Guy Tile's cop infested neighborhood. By the time the climax comes, I don't have any stake in this guy. He's waving at the police choppers - and everything we've seen so far suggests that Sheldon is narcissistic, but not that stupid. He doesn't even get to kill the nemesis. I'm not sure why Alexis would take him back. He hasn't changed. Nothing he's done has given him a moment of regret. He's just been running for his life.

Part of the problem is that while I understand the plot globally (Donovan pays assassins to kill Tile) I don't understand any of the behavior of the players, even on a scene-to-scene basis. Why do the assassins turn on Donovan? Why frame Sheldon? Just evil? Why does Windsor come after them at the end - isn't Chase capable enough? Isn't running around the city firing off shotguns conspicuous? Does Windsor really own Euphoria, and a criminal enterprise? Even the detectives don't make much sense - they miss Sheldon sneaking out of a car that they're walking towards; Jordon offers a theory to Harris that is already all over the news, and acts surprised the Harris hasn't seen the news.

There are good plot points, too. The reveal the James has been bugged as a trade for his own skin makes sense, and is satisfying. It's fantastic to see people who knock an invincible man unconscious in a movie finally act smart enough to try to finish him off while he's still down. I roll with the chases and action sequences, they're smooth enough, they just need a little more justification.

A bit about James Bond: I loved this character for the first five pages he existed - a sort of scrawny, Zen, surprisingly cool and possibly badass dude. As soon as Carlos walks in, his mystique vanishes, and he turns into Jamie Kennedy in Malibu's Most Wanted. What happened to the other guy? That character was unique, surprising, and I cared about him. This new guy is every scrawny white kid in a gangsta comedy. You don't even feel for him at his climatic moment, because you don't delve enough into his history to know what the lucky bullet means to him. You could really beef up that character, and it would enrich this script.

Also, here's some typos you can fix: (page 41) "what to believe?" should end with a period; (56) another "?" needs a period; (79) "in to" should be "into"; (81) - "...at Harris, sneers..." needs a comma.

While this definitely needs another pass or two, your style certainly stands out as smart and snappy, you've got a cast of unique supporting characters, and your setup is quick and high concept. Rethink Sheldon and his motivations, and how he changes over the course of the script. Punch up the failed actor angle. Tighten the motives of the assassins, and I think you'll have a worthy script to be proud of.

I hope this was helpful, and good luck in the competition.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I review feature scripts by putting down notes as I go through. In some cases my notes turn out to be wrong but generally I’ll leave them in there so that you can see what I was thinking.

Please take or leave any of my comments. I realize that many of these things are style choices and that there are no real “right” answers.

Pg 1 – Very strong start and the way it is written works well.

Pg 1 – “EXT. EUPHORIA NIGHTCLUB - CONTINUOUS” – I’m not sure about using CONTINUOUS here. The location is distinct from the previous one from a production point of view so you could use NIGHT.

Pg 4 – Really strong set up of the character and situation.

Pg 8 – “Just remembered I completely forgot to wipe.” – Funny stuff!

Pg 10 – Great early crisis.

Pg 13 – Fantastic twist.

Pg 19 – The scene with Harris and Jordan is good, but it breaks the pattern of experiencing the story with Sheldon. I’m going for an early guess here, I think Donavon did it.

Pg 22 – “His cell phone falls out of his pocket” – I’m guessing this is necessary, but inevitably it feels like a device.

Pg 31 – So far this is a very well written fast read, and an engaging story.

Pg 45 – Past half way and it’s still going well. I like the way the midpoint makes him aware of his situation and sets him in motion to do something about it.

Pg 52 – Your dialogue has a good edge to it.

Pg 66 – Exciting reveal and shootout. I’m a bit surprised that you still have 20 pages to go at this point because this had the feel of being the finale.

Pg 71 – This is a heavy duty long action scene. Two things that occur to me. Firstly I’m not clear where they are trying to get to. Secondly the big issue of the movie is over because the police know he didn’t do it, I know that Sheldon, Carlos, and James will survive however imperiled they become so even all this action might be redundant. Actually I’ve just thought of a number three, Windsor is in this for the money so he doesn’t necessarily need to give chase and being seen in public shooting at people would not help him pin the guilt on Sheldon.

Pg 73 – I like the idea of the traditional celebrity L.A. get away on TV thing.

Pg 76 – Once they start going out the back window, it feels like a cut to the TV footage would make sense.

Pg 79 – I was wondering how you’d get him together with Alexis. I’m not sure that having them randomly crash into that building by coincidence is the way. Could there be some plausible reason why they would head for the club?

Pg 80 – “fist in to his” – Into can be one word. You’ve done this several times.

Pg 81 – The action’s good I’m wondering if there is a way you could make it so that it is still on TV. Say the reporter guy could be at the club filming.

Pg 83 – “begin to arrive.” – Lose the “begin to”?

No question that was a big action sequence.

Pg 86 – The wrap up scene works, although it has a familiar feel to it from other movies I’ve seen.


Overall this has great energy and a really strong core story. The characters are distinctive and you have some solid visual scenes.

Your writing style is very strong and makes for a quick smooth read.

As for suggestions I guess I have to mention the length of it. It might be okay but I’d suspect that even the action scenes would play fast and the dialogue scenes would play faster so my gut feeling is that this might not be long enough.

Another thing I wonder about is the balance of the type of movie this is. In particular the huge action scene ending is good but there is relatively little action before that. Perhaps the answer to both these issues is too devise a couple of minor action set pieces to go earlier in the movie. He could escape the police say. However thinking about it, it could be that he encounters Cash (and perhaps Cash’s best friend) earlier in some way and evades him (and kills his friend). That might also serve to strengthen up the antagonists and give then a strong run through the movie ahead of their role in the finale.

I enjoyed the read and the quality of this. Good luck with it.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

The opening smacks of 'Entourage' meets 'Pulp Fiction.' This can be an entertaining combination but part of the brilliance of Pulp Fiction was its originality. This doesn't hold that for me. In the opening especially, there's little to latch onto for a truly likeable hero. The only thing that makes Sheldon likeable is that the others around him are less likeable. We spend the opening 10 pages in the nightclub and it doesn't feel like a movie just a venue for clever rat-a-tat-tat banter.

I liked the twist of having Guy killed and Sheldon be the top suspect but that never really becomes an obstacle to his career and to Sheldon -- that's all that matters. I liked that you portrayed Carlos as his go-to guy but the Harris/Jordan detectives fell completely flat to me. Stereotypical and one-dimensional. didn't buy them at all. For authentic crime action comedies, don't have the cops repeat what we just heard on the news. At times, you overwrite (eg. page 21 --don't need to write: in a pathetic attempt to offer sex for her life) Give the audience some credit. When we get to Daisy's murder scene I feel like we're just revisiting 'Pulp Fiction' Also, on a format note, the script is barely 86 pages --which is on the short side for a feature itself but on several pages (Eg p. 24, you've shortened your page to start a new scene on the next page. If you go back up p. 24, there are two action description lines with only one word. If these are revised to read as one line rather than the 4 total, the page looks completely different. Screenplay architecture is part of the craft and it shows when you try to fudge length. One of my least favorite lines was Harris on p. 25, upon seeing a mutilated corpse cut into pieces - 'Pretty lil thing.' Really?

The whole James/Briz/Bong scene drags momentum early in your second act and seemed like pure filler. It runs 7 pages and we get practically nothing out of it. Alexis also seems one-dimensional and I wonder if we'll ever get to see these characters arc. Sheldon's resolution to 'do something to prove he's not a killer' at p. 42 seems like it should be the mid-point but I think the best way for him to do that would be to use his new found press to his advantage and show how innocent he is? What am I missing? He's primed and ready for the role the guy that just died had. Why not position himself as a good guy and get the role? There's very little backstory to the actual killer or the guy that was killed so it's hard to care about what happens to them.

The impounding of Carlos's limo advances plot but nothing happens as a result of it and I feel like the scenes just offer the opportunity for banter. Granted, you've got that down. The dialogue is fresh, witty and fires on all cylinders but the tent poles around it are sagging mightily. Sheldon hasn't changed at all in 50+ pages and there doesn't seem to be an end goal driving him. When he finally teams with James and his gun to go to the club, I feel like we're building toward a climatic action scene. Good.

Quick format note again. Even in scripts, I think the grammer rule of a comma before a name applies. It would be: 'Hey, Sheldon!' not: "Hey Sheldon!'

The confrontation scene with Windsor unravels a bit haphazardly -- on paper anyway -- with Sheldon in V.O. briefly then back into the scene and it's never quite clear if that resumes or not. On pg 62 writing non-dialogue is a real pet peeve of mine and you do it twice in the same block: 'Donovan fails to come up with an excuse' and 'eyes the floor without answering.' Again, give the audience some credit. If there's no dialogue, there's no reason to write that the character says nothing.

When Donovan gets shot the homage to Pulp Fiction was complete for me. Gore and humour in hip fashion. The chase sequence with Betsy the Limo contains some funny bits and well written action. This turns pages well.

The limo scene toward the nightclub runs very long with Cash's continued resurgences maybe one-too-many times. It's good that you had Sheldon fight this battle himself but it seems like pure popcorn fodder and not something someone who could barely run to the limo could pull off for 20 pages. I also couldn't believe you had Cash say 'Make me.' Here I have been caught up in the originality and speed of the dialogue and with that one line, I felt like it reverted to a middle-school play.

There are typos toward the end and I sensed that you were trying to get this in under the deadline and not really polishing as hard as you could. At barely 86 pages, I think the best suggestion I could offer is to strengthen the second act to give Sheldon a chance to clear his name while obviously positioning himself to take this role from the dead actor. There's a rewrite in your future and I think Hollywood loves these types of scripts, so make it as strong as ou possibly can.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is my first screenplay to review. It's a lot more difficult than a five pager for sure.

I think the movie would appeal to an adult audience, probably males more than females. The language to me is overly coarse and it puts me off. I don't like Sheldon, I don't like him at the beginning, he's a very unlikeable character and while he does change at the end, I don't really believe that he will be faithful to Alexis.

There's a lot of action in the movie. Lot's for adult males to enjoy, car chases, women, fights, etc.

I think the dialogue is really strong, (even though I don't care for the language) It's fast paced and natural sounding for each character.

I wonder why Alexis likes Sheldon so much, he's cheated on her over and over, and yet at the end they are together.

The title of the movie is also very strong.

The actions scenes are good and I like that Sheldon keeps on fighting to clear his name, even though he's not a likeable character, he has guts and he is a very active protagonist. He causes things to happen, things don't just happen to him.

For a summary, the script is entertaining. Well written. Some of the supporting characters are very likeable, and add a lot to the story. I think it would do better if you toned down the language. Give Sheldon some redeeming qualities, make him a little bit softer, or give him a flaw that makes us identify with him a little.

Good luck with this.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

I rate the features on the following criteria:

1. Story - A funny story and I enjoyed reading it. I think it would make a good/entertaining movie since you have lots of sight gags as well as comedic dialog. The thing that really jumped out at me is that your protagonist does not drive the story at all, he just reacts to things - and sometimes not even that. He kind of bounces from here to there and back and there really isn't any change in who he is except possibly at the very end. It's more interesting to me if the protagonist does things to move the story forward.

2. Characters - You do a very good job of establishing Sheldon Reese in the first few pages. You also do a good job of showing Donovan to be a spineless, desperate man. It's not really that surprising that he's behind it. However, to me, the other characters were pretty much cardboard cutouts and Hollywood cliches. I didn't think they really stood on their own.

3. Specific Scenes - None that were really awesome or awful that jumped out at me.

4. Dialogue - The dialog is quick and often witty. You did a good job of distinguishing Carlos' dialog from others but many of the characters had the same sarcastic tone which made them all kind of blend together for me. The very end where Alexis and Sheldon arrive on the red carpet, the exposition in the dialog is like a giant red light flashing. I would prefer if it was more subtle.

5. Craft - You have good craft. It's a quick read. You move the story forward very well and slowly give out the relevant information. You kind of cross genres with a comedy/action movie which is always a challenge to pull off. Parts of the fight and chase stretched the limits of credibility which sort of took away from it, IMHO.

You have a few typos. Nothing major and I don't take points away for that but you should spend more time proof reading before you send this out.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

First of all, congratulations on completing a feature length script, something that I've never been able to do. A great achievement. Best of luck with it!

Now, some comments:

IDEA: Great idea. A tongue-in-cheek look at the egos and excesses of Hollywood, and how they got one guy into a heap o' trouble. And how he gets out of it.

TITLE / LOGLINE: The title is good. The logline says all it needs to say, and it definitely generates some interest in your script, but it's a little wordy and awkward. It would be a lot better if it was shorter and snappier. Look at all the verbs -- we're flying, risking, slaying, and unraveling, all in one sentence. And adjectives -- oversexed, celebrity-slaying, gruesome (not to mention career and rival). Whew! That's one packed sentence. For some examples of great loglines, see Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat." Here are a couple examples he uses: PRETTY WOMAN - A businessman falls in love with a hooker he hires to be his date for the weekend. 4 CHRISTMASES - A newly married couple must spend Christmas Day at each of their four divorced parents' homes. Short, sweet, right to the point, and you get everything you need.

STORY / STRUCTURE: The structure of the story is sound. Good job introducing us to Sheldon and his world right up front, and then a good inciting incident in the club when Sheldon 1) learns that Guy Tile got the role, and 2) Sheldon punches him. Act 2 begins (between Pages 13-15) when Sheldon learns that Guy has been murdered, and he's implicated (because of the fracas at the club the previous night), so he goes on the lam. Act 2 consists of all his trials and tribulations while he's on the lam, until Act 3 begins on Pages 55-57 when he sees Donovan deliver the silver case, and Donovan lies to him on the phone. It's no longer about Sheldon on the lam -- now it's about him getting to the bottom of this mess, and clearing himself. (And staying alive in the process.)

The beginning of the story is great. The set-up is terrific, and the break into Act 2 is really a great bit of story telling. It's all very believable, and the way you've set it up really makes us want to see how Sheldon gets out of his predicament (which, of course, we know he will).

For me, though, the story loses some steam along the way. In a story like this, the protagonist's plight should be constantly getting worse throughout Act 2. You started off that way when Daisy is killed in his apartment, and Sheldon is suddenly in a little deeper. But, then, for a long time, it's just Sheldon driving around and smoking weed at Brix's apartment and stuff like that. Those are okay scenes, and sometimes kinda fun, but while all that is going on we should see the stakes being raised for Sheldon. That doesn't really happen. Instead, there's quite a bit of wasted time -- just people spinning their wheels, so to speak. For example, I'm not sure how the scene in Brix's apartment (starting on Page 22) really moved the story forward (although we did meet James Bond). That's eight or nine pages of sitting around smoking dope from The Fury, culminating in a very unlikely narrow escape. Quite a big detour from the story. Some other examples: on Page 22, Sheldon's cell phone falls out of his pocket onto the floor of the limo. Later, on Page 27, there's a short scene of just the cell phone ringing in the limo. And what's the payoff? He gets back to the limo on Page 39 and finds 48 missed calls from Alexis. A lot of set-up for very little payoff. And when he finally talks to Alexis, they set up a meeting at Fatburgers -- and what's the purpose of that scene? How does it move the story forward? It's a really long scene that doesn't accomplish much, storywise. There's just too much of that in Act 2 -- too much driving around, phone calls, popping in and out of apartments, etc., and not enough increasing tension in the story.

Then Act 3. Did you ever see the movie "They Live"? It's a John Carpenter film about aliens disguised as humans (but that doesn't matter). In the middle of the film, there's a fight scene between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David that goes on F-O-R-E-V-E-R. So long, in fact, that it becomes laughable. The climatic fight in your script borders on comic, just because it goes on for SO long. And all the thrills are eliminated after a while, when you realize that at any moment someone you thought was dead can come back to life and rejoin the fray. After Cash rejoins the fray a billion times, we have to just sit back, relax, and wait for THE END to appear on the screen before we really know he's dead. (And even then, there's always the threat of a sequel.) More story and less fighting would make for a better, more satisfying ending.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Your characters are great. Sheldon - great. Donovan - great. Brix - great. The bad guys - great. Alexis - I never did feel the connection between her and Sheldon. (I guess that's what the Fatburger scene was all about, but it didn't really do it for me.) The cops were good, if a little cliched (crusty old cop, green partner puking at the sight of a dead body). One thing about the cops -- the good-natured ribbing about "That the one that fucked your sister?" is great, but it turns a little mean and nasty on Page 24 when Harris says, "Make sure it ain't your sister?" That's a little over the line for one cop to be saying to his partner, and I don't think he would.

One small thing: in William M. Akers' book, "Your Screenplay Sucks" (and yours doesn't, by the way) he has a section called, "Too Many of Your Characters Have Names". I think you have a few characters who probably don't need names, e.g., Cal, Bernie, Gloria (I'm not even sure what her purpose is at all).

DIALOGUE: The dialogue is great throughout.

SCREENWRITING CRAFT: This is a very well-written screenplay. I do have a couple comments, though.

First, your tendency to chop the articles off narrative sentences. I know screenplays are written in a kind of shorthand, but there are techniques for doing that effectively and efficiently, and lopping off the articles doesn't always work. It makes your narrative sound like Tonto or Tarzan. Some examples: On Page 10, "against mirrored wall." Page 16, "approaches backseat." Page 20, "Cash reaches the door, turns handle." Page 23, "enters penthouse." And there are many more throughout the script. It's jolting to read these sentences.

You could trim the narrative a bit and keep the story moving along at a faster pace. Here are a few examples of things that could be eliminated without losing any story impact: Page 20, "Harris stands from his seat. Jordan collects the paperwork from the file." Stuff like that isn't necessary in your script, and it just slows the reader down. Other examples: Page 24, "They both focus their attention towards the rear of the apartment." Page 25, "Harris pulls out his cell phone, punches in a number, raises phone to his ear." On Page 28, the entire coversation about "Are you nervous right now..." is unnecessary. You showed us he's nervous by his sweating and stammering. (And showing is almost always better than telling.) There are lots of other places you could trim your script. (I suggest looking at the last few lines of every scene. See if they're necessary.)

One really small thing (but worth noting): "into" is one word. You used "in to" many, many times throughout the script. Some examples: Page 21, "in to the hallway" and "in to his cell phone". Page 22, "in to traffic"

OVERALL: I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It's a great concept, well written, and it would make a really fun movie. Nice job!

My recommendations would be to build the tension a little more through the course of Act 2, and make your climax a little more clever and story-driven, rather than an ultra-long fight scene.

My score: GOOD.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

20 pages in, loving it, conflict immediately introduced, funny, fast paced and an easy read. Well done to this point.

The other characters in this script, aside from Sheldon, of course, need more development. James seems to be the most developed, but we don't know much about Donovan, Alexis, Windsor -- the cops are solid, as is Carlos as the driver.

Some solid funny scenes, but much too much time is spent on the chase scene and the 'unkillable' Cash. If Donovan was indeed hiring these men to kill Guy, that is a great storyline and should be developed more -- it would add to the 2nd act and twist that would move this script even higher. More time needs to be spent on ideas like that, which can be a secret to Sheldon, but not the audience. It adds to the tension and drama when the audience knows and the lead character does not.

Also, if the henchmen are now double-crossing Donovan, that too, is a great idea and one that should be explored more in this script.

Again, this is a funny and solid script. If the other ideas that are introduced but glossed over are developed, this script would shine and find an audience as well as an option. It has that kind of possibility.

Loved Sheldon, Carlos and James. Adding some color to the other characters (with Sheldon always out in front) would make this script more dynamic.

Well done.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/1/2009 12:15 AM

Great script. So much fun to read. I remember when you first joined MoviePoet (so many months ago); you have grown so much as a writer. I hope you are very proud of yourself (you should be).

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 12:29 AM

I loved this. I can't believe it didn't place.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 1:15 AM

Thanks everyone for all the great feedback! As some of you noted, this is still a work in progress so I appreciate and intend to utilize all of this constructive criticism to my full advantage when doing rewrites.


The feedback I got was about what I was expecting. The 2nd half of this script was rushed in the last few weeks to beat the deadline and it has always been my intention to rewrite it once I received this most valuable feedback. Thanks everyone!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 10/1/2009 5:31 AM

Brian, when you do rewrite this, I'd love to read it. You have a clear vision in your head of an entertaining feature and I think it would be a blast to watch. Best of luck!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 5:47 AM

I'll read your rewrite too Brian - I'd love to see this properly fleshed out and tidied up.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2009 11:38 AM

Dude you should be very proud of this script. Very proud. Like I said before fantastic dialogue. Snappy scenes. I felt like I was there. Maybe folks wanted a different genre but this was my pick to win. Couldn't really tell this was you Brian but a very funny script and I will grant you one of my rare favorites.
You give this bad boy a good polishing and I could see something like this selling or being made into a movie. I also gave you an excellent.

Comedies are a strange beast and everyone has they're preference as I'm sure you know but I think you should have won hands down but that's just my opinion.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 12:57 PM

Brian, this was a great entry and I do feel it is worthy of extra effort in rewrites. I'll be happy to read it again when you're done.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2009 2:03 PM

Brian, as I said, I think this is a hit in the making. Keep working on it - it's surely worth it!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 5:32 PM

This was the one was the winner on my list. The energy in it is great.

Since you are a filmmaker as well as a writer I have an addendum to my suggestions. I had suggested extra set pieces earlier on but you should also consider the possibilities of scaling back the action ending to something that would work on a low budget. Say instead of a freeway chase you do them running around a warehouse!

I say this because much of it is already low budget. If you can get Minnesota to stand in for L.A. then I think a low budget rewrite might turn this into a movie you could considered making yourself.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 6:33 PM

Now that I've had some time to re-read and absorb all the feedback, I feel like I can write a little longer response.

First I feel like I owe many of you an explanation (not an excuse, just an explanation.) As you may or may not know, I do not write with an outline or beat sheet or anything of the sort. I knew what characters I'd use and how I wanted the script to end up but that's about all the info I had before I started writing. So I sat down and wrote this script allowing the characters to lead me towards the end. I was on page 55 at the start of July and needed to have the script finished before August 1st because our due date had been changed several times and was anywhere between Aug. 6 and Aug. 24 (The baby ended up arriving on the 19th). Anyway, I wanted it done before August so I really raced through the 2nd half of the script and finished just before the start of August. Since the baby waited a few weeks, I had a little bit of time to polish it up and make some minor changes, but this is essentially still my first draft, maybe my first and half. That alone let me know it wouldn't be perfect, but then I made the fatal flaw of reading Save the Cat before submitting and that opened my eyes to all kinds of problems I hadn't even considered so then I REALLY knew that the script had issues, but I had to enter what I had written because I simply ran out of time.

Okay, sorry. I feel like that is going to come across as me making excuses, but that is not my intent. I just want to let everyone know that I knew there would be issues before I ever saw the feedback. What the feedback does wonderfully though, is help me pinpoint exactly which areas need the most polish...

The Alexis character needs more depth. Cash needs to be less unkillable. The Fury scene has to go or have critical story relevant info added to make it necessary. The secondary characters need to have more unique voices and personalities. The Sheldon/Alexis storyline needs better set up. The motives of the killers need to be addressed. And I need to learn to use 'into' instead of 'in to'. (I swear that someone once told me that into and onto are not actually words, but I've since been informed that they are.)

Those were the biggies. The other thing that got mentioned a lot is that Sheldon Reese is an unlikable protagonist without a character arc that makes us like him, even at the end. I don't know how to feel about this particular criticism because that is kind of what I was going for. He is a character that I have been writing in one form or another for the last 5-6 years and being a self-absorbed asshole is who he is and what I find entertaining about him. I did tone him down a little bit based on feedback received on the 10 pager but apparently he is still unlikable and I'm not sure how to make him more likable without losing what I love about him (His totally narcissistic and arrogant demeanor.) I was thrilled to see a few of you found him entertaining/endearing despite being an unlikable jerk because that is exactly how I view him too. The fact that a few of you completely 'got' Sheldon absolutely made my night last night.

I have to admit.... My initial reaction last night upon seeing the results was more or less crushing disappointment because I took the viewpoint that my script finished last place (in round 3), but after giving it more thought today and a pep talk from the wife, I'm much more satisfied with the outcome and have changed my viewpoint to a more positive perspective. My first draft scored a 3.4 and was only a few points behind a script that has been well polished and has actually made it in to production once before. With that new point of view, I feel very proud of what I accomplished and can't thank you guys enough for helping me to make it better!

Anyway, thanks again for all the feedback! I will certainly be hitting up those of you that offered to read it, once I have the rewrite ready to go.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2009 11:13 PM

Brian, I went back and reread my review and I don't think it came across how much I enjoyed reading your SP - sorry, I'll blame it on post-partum lack of sleep. I do think there are things you can work on but there is no reason for you to feel down about it, let along crushing disappointment. You have all the pieces, they just need some refining. You can see my "list of excuses" on another thread so I won't go into them here. The point is, life happens and we all, as writers, have to deal with it and continue writing. The fact that you did and submitted, even if you weren't 100% thrilled with it, speaks volumes about you. You did it! And, you did a great job. If not everyone "got it" don't worry. I got it. He's not a loveable guy. He doesn't have to be. I don't think anyone has to LIKE Sheldon. But, we do need to see him change. He can become even more unlikeable if you want him to - think of the Godfather - he became less and less likeable. But, we still watch because he's changing. Anyway, you should be proud! And, enjoy your bundle of joy!

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/3/2009 1:30 PM

Hey Brian,

I hope you don't feel too down about the script - you are obviously a talented writer, and you made it through three rounds of a real marathon contest. And I admit to having the same reaction about being in last place - yours was only below mine by the nature of alphabetical order. (If it makes you feel better - sort by "Writer" and you're number one, baby!) Plus, remember Chris mentioned that, point wise, these scripts were extremely close to each other.

I told you to "rethink Sheldon" and, hearing where you're coming from, I think that was too strong. I agree with Sasha, it's your character, and if some people "get" him, then don't compromise the integrity of your character.

I'd say maybe try a different angle - instead of toning down the negative, bump up the positive. You say you really like Sheldon - why? He does have good qualities - he's funny, maybe even loyal to friends (clearly not women). And a grave injustice has been done to him. Honestly, I think if he realized earlier what an injustice has been done, that alone might make him more likable.

It's just a thought, but maybe it's a good way to go about striking a balance between being true to Sheldon while expanding your audience.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4) ~ 10/5/2009 2:45 PM

Brian:
I just want to affirm that this script was very entertaining to read and that you have a unique voice and talent!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 10/6/2009 5:59 PM

Wow! Never would've pegged this as yours, good job! Not a zombie anywhere.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/24/2009 3:04 PM

Thanks again for the great comments and feedback everyone. I've set this script to Unavailable in order to control who has access to it. It IS available and if anyone would like to read it, just email me for a copy.