Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This starts off strong, but then loses some steam. You do a great job of establishing Thelma and her phobia. I like the scene with Diana, and having Thelma react that way to a baby really drives home that this phobia is real and pervasive. But then Toby comes in, and he's sort of a caricature. And ultimately, I didn't really believe that someone who was *so* phobic about germs and filth could sit there talking about "silky girlie juice" on the phone.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

This was great. A well-earned twist at the end that I didn't see... coming.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Hahaha. I was entertained from start to finish. Nice work.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was very good and I loved the ending.

This might sound strange in a 5 page contest, but I thought this was longer than need be. I think the tighter it is, the stronger the ending. You could tighten the dialogue a bit and rely more on your visuals, which are excellent.

Last thing, great title.

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

I just loved it! Very funny and very good written. Excellent!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

An interesting twist for ending, but I thought it would have been more of a punch if her 'dirty talk' was more filth related ("Ooh, you dirty boy; no, I haven't showered in three days...").
Your characters were very distinct and each had their own unique voice - very good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I liked the character description, it immediately cemented Thelma in my mind. Funny twist I'll say, but the story dragged along with a filthy social worker (?) to get there. Nonetheless a good effort with great description of Thelma's phobia throughout.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

I like this story of Thelma the Neatnik. I hope the phone caller contributes to her financial support since she turned down other aid.
In the real world this combination of super fastidious cleanliness frequently couples with strong, sometimes aberrant—maybe even abhorrent, sexual behavior. It’s the person’s sub-conscious way of compensating for being “dirty.”
For the script ending to be a fun surprise with solid scientific support is an extra plus.

Jason Goldstein (Level 2)

I enjoyed the twist at the end. A woman so concerned about keeping everything clean ends up being a very dirty girl herself. Nice job.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Nice job. Well written. I loved the twist at the end, too. It came out of nowhere the first time through, but looking back I picked up a few subtle, well-placed hints. Great!

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Well written and entertaining piece. The punch line was great, but it seemed the story was a slave to it. There wasnt much else going on the entire script except to set up the ending.

I liked it, especially the ending, but I think more needs to be going on beforehand - I didnt get the importance of someone from her support group coming over to get her to sign papers, but m aybe I just missed something.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

Great twist at the end. Didn't see it coming, which is always a bonus with me. Thelma's obsessive cleanliness was very well-written and she felt very fleshed out.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You only need FADE IN, not FADE IN TO. You should have put the slugline in before starting the description of the handwashing. Also, the next several slugline are incomplete. I believe all sluglines should have INT or EXT as well as the place and time.

Thelma's description should be right after the first slugline. On page two about a quarter of the way down you left out a period at the end of the sentence. When Thelma tuts and mutters that should be under her character's name.

I don't know if Toby being in his 20's would talk the way he does. It almost sounds as if he should be in his fifties or sixties.

I have to admit I didn't except Thelma to turn out to be a "telephone sex talk girl". And I'm wondering if her phobia is dirty things would she be comfortable talking about sex?

The script is move along at a good pace and you do a good job with the descriptive.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Good job!

I liked how you put in details from Thelma's point of view. Especially the one about the fluff.

I don't really understand why should wouldn't take the benifit but I suppose that is just an aspect you wanted in her character.

There were occasional time where you tell us things rather than show us. One of those times was the bleach soaked rag.

Overall you did quite well. I enjoyed it.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked the contrast between the 'buttoned-up' description we get of Thelma and the person she is when she's at work. However, I think the ending could've paid off more if there had been some kind of foreshadowing about her line of work. Having the phone ring while Toby and Thelma are talking is a start in this direction, but there still needs to be more (something to implant in our minds the idea that Thelma either works from home or is in an unusual line of work).

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Hey,

I thought this one was pretty good. Very nicely written and I can't say I saw the ending coming at all. It reminded me of a short film called "phone sex grandma".

Great job!

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Disappointed in the ending. Nothing compelling, and the phobia did show up, but appeared to be more obsessive compulsive than a phobia at first.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Terrific! As a film, there would be even more of a great contrast. Immediately identified with Themla. Nice use of Diana to illustrate her condition. I especially liked the social worker angle bringing out the employment situation. Well done. I absolutely loved the title and the ending. Never saw it coming and I howled with laughter. Clever twist and neatly resolved. I would love to see this made into a short film. Great response to the challenge. One of my top three this month. Excellent work.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

You used a well known (to me) phobia that I could see clearly in your opening and then with Thelma's interaction with her sister.

I had trouble figuring out what Toby's role was with the forms. It seemed wordy.

Thelma was what she appeared to be...and more. I liked the twist at the end.

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Wow, on the fence with this one. It was very well-written and the little freakazoid had a phobia.

But her phone sex job was so unexpected, I wish there were earlier clues or something to make the ending more satisfying.

Overall, one of the better scripts. And the style is so distinctive I believe I know who wrote this. Can't wait to see if I'm correct.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is a fine piece of character development in five pages. There is a plot but no specific goal on Thelma's part other than to get the people out of her house, maybe because she expects the phone call.

Some of your descriptions sound like acting cues but are not too distracting.

I also thought Thelma had a phobia of dirt but I guess that was the sub text and you wanted to convey the irony of the dirty language she uses as Torrid Tanya.

Essentially the piece then seems like a set-up and now the audience wants to know what event is going to occur to proceed the story.

One way to fix this in a re-write and have a comic feel (which I think you were going for) would be to have Diana and Toby answer the phone and have the voice at the other end asking for phone sex favors. I would love to see how Thelma can get out of those situations.

Technically you were fine.

Good job.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was very cleverly written. I thought this was a great story with an unexpected twist at the end. Great job and a great read.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

My only complaint is that the ending seems a little tacked on. Like the idea. It's well-written. But the set-up to how she makes a living "how do you afford all this?" (or something like that) comes a little late and seems a little too much like a throw-away line.

But overall, good job.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Good concept. Well characterized. A good vignette.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Fun story. I didn't see the ending coming. I was thinking she'd face her fear, but instead it turns out she is a more complex character than others in her life are aware of. Fun double-meaning title. This may be a contender. Good luck.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The ending was the best part of the script. I enjoyed it, the "filth" switch.

This script felt like a compulsive disorder story rather than a phobia piece, and I'm not sure where the conflict is - with "filth" itself? Or with social services?

The dialogue was solid and the images were well done.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I really liked your use of the cleanliness phobia. I've known more than a few of these over the years. My main qualification is that the plot is very low keyed and doesn't move too well. If Toby pushed her a little harder in the mid-section, your piece would be a great deal stronger.However, the ironic ending works as a topped after your being detailed, but mild. She can cope verbally at a very base - shall we say, dirty - level.

The dialog and detail work very well.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2007 12:56 AM

First, I loved your script.

Second, I can't believe 'you' wrote this.

Third, You found "Letters to Penthouse" distateful, but you wrote 'this'. I want a detailed explanation. :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 9/1/2007 6:08 AM

Hi Chris!

Thanks - I was very pleased with it and, as I told you, it has already been snapped up by a production company.

The reason I wrote it was exactly that! That I found some things I had read so very distasteful I wanted to see if I could write something that was 'filthy' but in my own style. I was so disappointed at myself for being such a prude that I wanted to get over that hurdle.

Research was carried out by looking under my son's mattress and finding a pile of dirty magazines, one called 'Barely Legal'! You should have seen the first version of Filth! That was REALLY filthy. I sent it off to the interested director and he mailed me back after a few days when I was cringing in embarassment and thinking 'What HAVE I done?' He said - 'Yeah Caroline...why did you hold back so much at the end?!'This is the mild version - the director said that the original would exclude a vast audience but that it certainly spiced up a dull Wednesday afternoon for him!

So that's the explanation...pushing back my own personal boundaries, which is why MoviePoet is so great!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2007 8:55 AM

Bravo, Caroline! You never disappoint with your scripts. I enjoyed this one very much and I wish you all the best with it. I'm stunned you didn't place with this one but I'm happy that someone has found this little gem and will make it into a wonderful short, I'm sure. Congratulations!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 2:37 PM

Thanks for the explanation. Very interesting.

Personally, my stories run the gamut from family friendly to adult only. I go where the stories and characters take me and I try to be honest to the voices I hear. Did I just admit to hearing voices? Oh well.

Anyway, I too am really looking forward to seeing this filmed. Best of luck with it.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/2/2007 4:03 PM

I forgot to mention, your logline is brilliant.

Robin Williams (Level 3) ~ 9/3/2007 11:13 AM

Caroline, I SWEAR I knew that FILTH was by you. I have only read your contest entry over at the midmight madness screenwriting site. But your style is unique and as I read I knew this was your work! Congrats on what's happening with it.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 9/3/2007 11:02 PM

I was intrigued to read your script. It was very well written. You capture the emotion of your characters quite nicely.

I was, however, disappointed that you waited until the last dialogue to show us Thelma's real job... er... FILTH.

Great job.